Jealousy

A

Amandajeanb

New member
So of course in this, jealousy is probably one of the hot topics.... I am here for the first time, reaching out for help.

My husband and I (12 years) have ventured into polyamary and honestly, it was really easy for me at first- I'm relatively attractive and have not usually had trouble getting male attention. That being said, I had a lot more "action" in the dating realm than my husband did at first. I have been seeing someone for a bit now, and we have a connection but it's not something I see going any further than just a really good friend that I can explore with. My husband on the other hand, has met a woman and less than a week in- he's falling in love with her. This stings. Bad. I've been acting irrationally and lashing out because I'm hurt. Truly feelings of inadequacy- hearing that she is giving him something I haven't been able to- hurts the most. We got into an argument because I felt he crossed a boundary when he had promised me the day of New yeaars Eve and he went to see her. Also, I found out that my bi polar diagnosis was talked about with her, which caused me to feel so betrayed as it was never discussed beforehand that my mental health was going to be shared with someone else. Apparently that made him upset to the point where he could not bring himself to have sex with her. He got very angry with me and it started world war three in our home. It was horrible and a lot of horrible things were said on both sides. I fe

On top of that, I am seeing myself distance myself from the guy I've been seeing because I have realized that while I've told myself that I didn't want to have the fairy tale romance, I was lying to myself. So now, I'm with someone who has the original intent of casual slow and most likely never really developing into a real relationship.

I want to give up. I want to stomp my feet and cry. I want to tell him to choose- but I won't. It's wrong and I don't mean it, it's a knee jerk reaction to being sad.

Any advice at all would be amazing- I'm floundering here and not taking it well at all.
 
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Yes, jealousy is certainly one of our "hot topics" - I am sure that Kevin will be along in a bit to share some links with you on that subject.:)

I am gratified to read that you realize that your "knee jerk reaction" is a.) not what you really mean and b.) is unfair. It is not unusual that we find ourselves surprised at our reactions to new situations, so cut yourself some slack - you are not alone there.

I wonder if, because women find it so much easier to find other partners, it shifts our perspective - and we prefer to give ourselves more time to explore the possibilities - because we know there are always more "possibilities" on the horizon?. Men, generally from what I read here and elsewhere, have a harder time of it. Perhaps that is why they "fall in love" so quickly (less than a week in? It seems to me that is hardly enough time for me to know if I want to DATE someone, let alone be "in love" with them). Maybe they are trying to pack it all in while it lasts?

My fear is always that my boys will fall hard and fast for someone and then be crushed when that person doesn't reciprocate - and they will be hurt - and I will have to console them.

Backtracking a bit - maybe not a male/female thing but an extrovert/introvert thing or a different personalities thing...

A few other points:

I am a private person and don't want MY details discussed with someone that I am not close with. MrS understands this. Dude doesn't, because he is the type to share anything that comes into his mind about himself with a perfect stranger - and doesn't understand that others don't necessarily feel them same way. This was, in all likelihood, an honest mistake.

With regards to New Years - how clearly did you convey your expectations? He had "promised you" the day of New Years Eve - what does that mean to you? That he will be physically present the entire 24 hours? (Not running errands or visiting with others) That he be with you for the evening and kiss you at midnight? (Evening starts when?) That you have his attention from the minute you wake up until you two go to sleep? (What about phone calls/texting?) In his mind, if he intended to spend the majority of his waking hours with you and be with you in the time leading up to the ball dropping that may have satisfied his promise. (I'm sure someone else here can talk about "boundaries" being something that YOU set for YOURSELF - not rules for other people to follow, but that isn't my topic - so I will let others comment on that bit.)
 
It was not my idea to spend New Years together. We had originally planned something else but based on the fact that he was catching some real feelings for this girl, we changed them. He then said that he wanted the day to be about us and our family. Instead the minute he was able to be physical with her, he ran. It hurt. Pretty bad actually. It set me into a real bad place that I couldn't shake. It affected my entire day and night. It started a horrible fight and we ended up arguing throughout the entire night.

I'm just really having a hard time with this whole love thing. I guess because I can't feel that for someone else, I feel like he shouldn't be able to already. 100% irrational- I KNOW.

I'm at work today and he's spending the entire day with her. It's tough- I don't even get that time anymore. Since he's met her, I've gotten no affection, and been kind of put out of reach. He's attached to texting her all day and night. 500 texts in less than a week. I asked him last night if it would be possible to set time for just us- putting phones down and explaining that this time is for us and that communication be out on hold while we have our connection time. He said that it wasn't fair because if she felt she needed to tell him she missed him or something like that, he should be answering immediately. That stung because I don't interrupt their time and he stated that if I did message or text him while was with her, that he would not respond until their time was over...

I'm just having a hard time overall. I need to focus on the good but it's not easy right no.
 
Many if not most poly people agree to limit texting or calling one partner while with the other. Your man is having a hard time being a good hinge of your V from inexperience. He's swept up in hormones, and NRE. I don't think your objections are irrational at all.

He can tell her, I am spending time with my wife. Don't text me. I will text you after I have spent quality time with my wife.

It's a very common arrangement. Your h is making a typical stupid newbie mistake. It is very important to not neglect your original partner during NRE with someone else.

It can take a long time to work poly out in real time. Theory is one thing. Actually making it work in real time is something else. Arguing all night is not going to help. Try to take it in small bits, like an hour at a time. If either of you get heated and start yelling or repeating themselves, stop the convo, leave the room. Rest, sleep, eat, exercise. Take care of self, chores, children.

Read Opening Up and the morethantwo website and book, preferably together. They are geared to newbies. I hope your h sees that he's making mistakes and hurting you with his NRE insanity. It's very exciting to open up and get to fuck someone new. People can be blind to how they are hurting the first established partner! Men can have such tunnel vision especially. Thinking with their little head. But women can too.
 
See that's what I thought. I give them the time and space without interrupting because I feel it's important to have that time together. I feel like I'm not getting that same respect at all.

There is so much more I'm thinking but I need to be at a computer to be able to type it all out.

In the end, I don't feel like I'm in a polyamarous relationship- I feel like my husband is having an affair and I just know about it. There's no concern for my feelings, but all of the concern for hers. He's so worried about hurting her feelings and guarding her heart, that he's forgotten I have those needs too.
 
Hi Amandajeanb,
Here are some links that may help.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Having said that, I will add that your husband seems to be the one at fault here. Maybe it's not jealousy, maybe it's a sense of being treated unfairly. Something to think about.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think you're right. I'm not jealous of their relationship- I am feeling left out, and not being treated with the care that HE promised. I didn't ask, he promised to always make sure that I am cared for and my heart is protected. He's doing none of that, instead making every excuse he can as to why his behavior is acceptable.

I deserve better than this- I've expressed what I need from him- he either complies or not. Nothing I want is privelege or pitting myself above her at all.
 
I am sorry you deal in this.

To me jealousy is a flag emotion. Something else is underneath. And to me? You sound mad that he's not keeping his Word. And mad that you give (him + gf) time and space without interruption to show respect. And you don't get the same back on the (you + him) side -- your time and space together is interrupted a lot.

It sounds like he's caught up in NRE and taking the established relationship (you + him) for granted and giving it a "lick and promise" like later he will make it up. But too much of that? And he's going to find there's nothing left because you got fed up waiting.

Could he be willing to read poly hell together with you?

And talk about how to bring better balance to this while it's still early days and repairable?

I think you have reasons to be upset.

Making New Year's plans then changing them all day and finally standing you up? How's that awesome? Be more respectful to NOT make plans than lead you on a goose chase.

Texting her all day and night? 500 texts in less than a week? Sounds obsessed. Being glued to his phone and not PRESENT during (you + Him time)? That's not respectful. Taking her texts during (you + him) time and not taking yours during (him + her) time -- that's not fair either. I think you have to talk about cel phone boundaries/expectations.

I give them the time and space without interrupting because I feel it's important to have that time together. I feel like I'm not getting that same respect at all.
Click to expand...

Ask for what you want -- the same treatment and time together without interruptions. He cannot control if she texts him. He CAN control when he takes the texts. He CAN control if his phone is off or not.

Don't ask for "respect" -- that may be too nebulous. Ask for respectful behaviors that you want and spell out the actual behaviors.

I can understand being new and getting all caught up in NRE... if the goal is to be a good hinge to all his partners? He has to actually attend to all his partners and manage his time and attention better than this. You are getting the short end of the stick right now.

Galagirl
 
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It sounds like this thing blew up pretty fast, and I don't feel like there's really enough context to do much more than speculate on most of the things you brought up in your post.

However, I would like to say a quick thing about knee-jerk reactions. People are emotional beings, we are not robots. We can anticipate a discussion with our partner, figure out what we want to say, what our goals are, what they will say, how we will respond, etc, but for some folks more than other, that all gets thrown out the window quite quickly after the discussion starts. Drugs and alcohol typically amplify this effect. We react emotionally, and the conversation quickly turns unproductive.

My approach to this is something you may find helpful. I think I tend to be the rational party among people discussing emotional issues, whether it's a relationship, politics with a friend, whatever. I am not one to usually blow up or be inflammatory in discussions, instead my reaction to emotional overload is to just shut down, which makes me equally useless as an angry party, though less suited for reality tv ; ).

If you aren't the person who becomes non-productive in a conversation, perhaps you may be dealing with a person who becomes non-productive. Obviously, there's some give and take here, in unproductive conversations, most of the time, both parties shoulder some of that blame. Regardless, this technique is helpful for all of the above situations.

Anyways, my approach is to write down my ideas beforehand. Figure out what I feel, what I want, how to portray those things to the person I'm talking to, anticipate what thoughts/feelings/counters they will have and put those into the letter, etc. Then I just give them the letter. For an issue that isn't incredibly contentious (where I just needed to gather my thoughts), sometimes I'll just read the letter, but chances are if I'm writing a letter, it is a contentious issue, so I just give them the letter and say something along the lines of "Here's my thoughts on this, I wrote them all down so you have some time to go over them before responding. Let me know when you want to talk" etc.

Sounds like from your descriptions of your discussions with your husband that this could be a useful tactic for both of you. Best of luck and hopefully it all works out for the better : ).
 
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