Just a general question about where I am in a relationship

[SkeetScamp]

I have been in this "poly" relationship for going on 6 years. I put that in quotes because I realize there is no absolute definition of the term polyamory. It changes on a whim!!

My "partner" (using that loosely because I do not know if I am) is a snowbird and has been a PARTNER to someone in Malaysia for over a decade. I knew her from the get-go! I also realized my ignorance was not bliss, as other acquaintances of my "partner" have known and they didn't talk about her. I agreed to reach out to this "partner," and got smacked upside the head with a 3-page text with 10 steps on how she expected me to address her.

Well, someone once told me, "Polyamory is great, until it isn't." I am tired of the fact that my "hinge," or whatever label we put on people, is weak... absolutely weaker than I am. FU and the VJJ you continue to lick and ride!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi SkeetScamp,

Your previous thread was Ignorance or Confusion, I reference that here because it gives us more of a complete story. Your partner's partner in Malaysia (your metamour) has acted totally inappropriately towards you, and you should not have to exchange messages anymore with her. The question is: should you break up with your partner? After all, he is continuing to see someone who treats you horribly.

I'm sorry you have had a disillusioning experience with polyamory. You do not deserve this.

Sincere sympathies,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. Correct me if I'm wrong, okay? I thought from the other thread you had decided not to talk to this meta any more, because you tried to reach out and she started bullying you, being demanding and behaving weirdly. And even though she eventually sent you an apology, you didn't put much stock in it because you thought Hinge made her do it. So you were just going to have a separate/parallel poly V and not deal with her any more. Is this true?

What's going on now that concerns you? What has "changed on a whim?"

If you want to know where you stand in this relationship, I think the person to talk to is Hinge. That's who you are in a relationship with. So I encourage you to talk to Hinge directly about your concerns.

If you are tired of his behaviors, it's okay to ask for changes in behavior. And if none are forthcoming, it's okay to decide to quit.

How YOU practice your poly doesn't have to be the same as how Hinge practices his. If he's all into, "doing things on a whim," and you prefer something more "deliberate and planned," it may be that you two are no longer compatible.

Galagirl