Just feeling sad

C

Catesse

New member
I really don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I'm just sad and trying to figure out what I want to do with my relationship.

Background- I've been with my current partner (K) almost 2 years. They are married and their spouse lives out of state. We knew each other for quite some time before beginning a relationship. Spouse (S) has a partner where they live as well (M), a bit longer than K and I have been together. K and S have lived apart for 12 years. Because they live so far apart, K spends the majority of their time with me when S is not in town. When S is in town, S keeps in regular contact with M, and has brought M to town to stay with S and K. I have known S as long as I have known K. We were good acquaintances, not quite friends, but there was no animosity between us.

When K and I got together, I had another partner, A. The three of us had a short relationship, romantic and sexual, until I broke up with A due to abuse. A has been out of the picture for over a year.

As I said before, K spends most of their time with me regularly. We stay at each others homes, know each others kids, and spend time with our friends together. We talk everyday, when we aren't together we always talk on the phone before bed.

Since last year, S wants nothing to do with me. I don't know why, but it doesn't matter. They simply don't. I respect that, and I have not tried to force the issue with them. When K is with me, sometimes they will call S and they text somewhat regularly. I have no issue with this, I encourage it. I don't want S to feel forgotten, even if they aren't ready for any contact with me.

And here is my sad...when S has been in town previously, K's communication dropped off with me severely. This hurts me. Right or wrong, it does. Words of affirmation and Quality time are my love languages. We had a discussion before their last visit, and K spoke with S and they said they were happy that K was with me. K said they would be in contact and would call me. I am not looking for all day conversation, but a little more than "Good morning" and "Good night", and sometimes not even that. So, K said they would call, and just didn't. Then they said they promise me things and don't follow through. That was the last I heard yesterday, in the morning. Nothing else. What we discussed was a short phone call to check in, even just to say good night.

I talked to my friend, and they said I needed to just back off and expect no communication at all when S is in town. That fucking hurts. K would never simply "not" communicate with S. K said good morning this morning, but I haven't replied. I don't want to. I withdraw when I'm hurting, and I know it isn't productive. I don't think talking is going to help.

I am sitting here thinking I should just leave. The rest of the time, I am very happy. But this sucks. I don't think saying anything the way I have been will be helpful. I think what I am looking for is perspective, maybe words to use to bring this up without being attacking.

For more information, I was out of the country for a month visiting my family. Family that I only see once every couple of years. K didn't want me to go, missed me terribly. I made sure to be available every day to talk to them. It was important to me, but also to them.

Thank you for reading this far. I haven't ever typed it all out anywhere. Words of support welcomed. Actually, any words are welcomed.
 
I'm just trying to unpack this...

Your partner, K, blanks you when their Spouse is in town. Is that it in a nutshell?

I am sorry, it's not nice to be picked up and put down at someone's convenience. I can see why you're hurting. Perhaps K is not fully conscious of just how extreme their on-off behaviour is with you. Or perhaps they see it as for such a comparatively short time that they spend with their Spouse that their neglect of you is par for the course.

The only one K will really understand the impact on you is if you make it explicit. Perhaps, "I struggle immensely when you are so unavailable when S is in town. I would like to make an arrangement next time that means we can have 20 mins a day to catch up on a phone call at a time that's not going to impact directly on your activities with S." (20 mins a day is optional, I'd suggest "starting high" to allow some barter room). "And I'd like to know I can send texts/pics of my days when I can't see/talk with you, and have some confidence you'll find a moment to respond."

All the best with opening that dialogue.
 
So basically K promises to check in over text for stuff like "good morning" and "goodnight" when they are with spouse S. But K does not follow through. It isn't like S has a problem with it. So you are left wondering what the problem is.

Because when K is with you and DOES follow through on checking in with S? It hurts. Because you see they can do it the other direction. You feel left out/envious. S gets something you wish you got too.

I talked to my friend, and they said I needed to just back off and expect no communication at all when S is in town.
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Well, could do that. Change expectations.

I am sitting here thinking I should just leave. The rest of the time, I am very happy. But this sucks.
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Over texts? What stops YOU from texting K if you need good morning and good night contact?:confused:

Then they said they promise me things and don't follow through.
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Is this K's habit? Say stuff but not follow through? Then don't accept any promises from K. Assume they are flaky about that and deal with it as your friends suggests. Just not to expect it and if it happens, great. If not, oh well.

If that is too hard to do, then maybe they aren't compatible enough to keep on dating?

I don't think saying anything the way I have been will be helpful. I think what I am looking for is perspective, maybe words to use to bring this up without being attacking.
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You aren't asking anything unreasonable or long.

Ask K what's up. Changing expectations doesn't have to mean chucking the whole thing. Find out what's going on. Maybe email is easier to do than text? Or something else?

I used to get annoyed my spouse would not call me when leaving work so I could time dinner to be ready when he gets home. Turns out he often would not remember til he was already in the car and didn't want to go back upstairs to his office. I got him a cel phone (years ago, it was his first cel) and he just left it in the car to call. Problem solved. He would still forget, but now there was a way to call from the car. We founding something so we BOTH got what we wanted. I got a call to have dinner ready. He didn't have to go upstairs again.

So... ask what could help K keep her promise so you BOTH get what you want? A different tool? Facebook message or email rather that cel phone text? Another idea?

But if the bottom line is that K stinks at keeping promises and this is their nature? You have to figure out if that is something you can live with or not.

Galagirl
 
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So K wants time with you when S is absent. You get dumped when S is available. Is this correct?

If so, it's not hard to see why you'd feel sad--as if you're a useful distraction until the 'real' partner is around.

I guess you need to decide if you're willing to continue this and if K is open to treating you like a real partner all the time, including when S is around.

For what it's worth, this is hardly a unique story.
 
Hi Catesse,

I wonder if S is telling K to not contact you when S is in town. And maybe K feels pressure to not contact you, so they do that because it seems easier. I think the thing to say to K would be, "K, I feel sad when I don't hear from you as often as I normally do. I am so thankful for the times when you text me or call me. Could you do that a little more often, even when S is here? I feel sad when they are here, and I don't get to hear from you as often." This way you are not attacking, you are simply talking about yourself (and how you feel). I don't think you want to break up with K. You just need a way to talk to K that doesn't seem like attacking. I can understand that. Does this post give you a way to help you with that? I hope it helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for all the replies. It helps, tremendously to feel heard. A few responses-

Evie said

I'm just trying to unpack this...

Your partner, K, blanks you when their Spouse is in town. Is that it in a nutshell?

I am sorry, it's not nice to be picked up and put down at someone's convenience. I can see why you're hurting. Perhaps K is not fully conscious of just how extreme their on-off behaviour is with you. Or perhaps they see it as for such a comparatively short time that they spend with their Spouse that their neglect of you is par for the course.
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Yes, that is exactly it. I think they do believe that S living out of town and being here for short-ish periods of time mean that I should be accepting of no contact.

GalaGirl said
What stops YOU from texting K if you need good morning and good night contact?
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I do text K. And there is no reply.

kdt26417 said
I think the thing to say to K would be, "K, I feel sad when I don't hear from you as often as I normally do. I am so thankful for the times when you text me or call me. Could you do that a little more often, even when S is here? I feel sad when they are here, and I don't get to hear from you as often." This way you are not attacking, you are simply talking about yourself (and how you feel). I don't think you want to break up with K. You just need a way to talk to K that doesn't seem like attacking. I can understand that. Does this post give you a way to help you with that? I hope it helps.
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Yes, that is what I am struggling with. A way to approach this without sounding attacking. K is coming over tonight. I'll try to think of a way to let them know that this thing would mean so very much to me.
 
Hi Catesse,

Our guidelines highly recommend using nicknames, not initials. It drives me crazy to see just initials. It's so confusing, especially when the "they pronoun" is used for both SOs. I always add a name in my mind to keep things straight. I will use Kale and Sass.

Catesse said:
I think they do believe that Sass living out of town and being here for shortish periods of time means that I should be accepting of no contact.

I do text Kale. And there is no reply.

Yes, that is what I am struggling with. A way to approach this without sounding attacking. Kale is coming over tonight. I'll try to think of a way to let them know that this thing would mean so very much to me.
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I think every situation is different. I know I struggled with this very early on in my relationship with my current long term partner. She just had a lot of trouble texting me from another partner's house. She's got ADHD. She just gets very focused on being with the other person, and can't switch to "Mags mode." Also, she is shy, so she has trouble when with a new partner, to tell them she's going to text me.

Now, I have no issue with her texting another person when we are together. We live together. I feel like I get the majority of her time, as compared to her bf, who she's been with for 6 years. She spends 5 nights a week with me and 2 nights a week with him, generally, it varies a bit on holidays.

It's only in the past 18 months or so that she feels comfortable enough around him to take time out to text me from his place!

He's her Master. She gets very subby and in service mode to him when she's with him. Whereas, she and I are in an egalitarian relationship, and I am very experienced with relationships, trust, tolerance, etc. Her Master was a late bloomer (Einstein syndrome). They met when he was 32, and it has been his first serious relationship (and I am thinking it may be the only one he ever has, barring something tragic happening to Pixi).

Anyway, I went off on a tangent to make a point about specific circumstances, as exceptions to more general communication "rules" and "requirements" and "preferences."

I just think there could be specific extenuating circumstances that cause Kale to feel uncomfortable taking time out from Sass to chat with you, when Sass is in the house. You said upthread that Sass wants nothing to do with you. You don't know why this changed. But you could ask Kale if this avoidance effects his comfort around texting you when they are with Sass. I suspect it does.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi Catesse,

Our guidelines highly recommend using nicknames, not initials. It drives me crazy to see just initials. It's so confusing, especially when the "they pronoun" is used for both SOs. I always add a name in my mind to keep things straight. I will use Kale and Sass.



I think every situation is different. I know I struggled with this very early on in my relationship with my current long term partner. She just had a lot of trouble texting me from another partner's house. She's got ADHD. She just gets very focused on being with the other person, and can't switch to "Mags mode." Also, she is shy, so she has trouble when with a new partner, to tell them she's going to text me.

Now, I have no issue with her texting another person when we are together. We live together. I feel like I get the majority of her time, as compared to her bf, who she's been with for 6 years. She spends 5 nights a week with me and 2 nights a week with him, generally, it varies a bit on holidays.

It's only in the past 18 months or so that she feels comfortable enough around him to take time out to text me from his place!

He's her Master. She gets very subby and in service mode to him when she's with him. Whereas, she and I are in an egalitarian relationship, and I am very experienced with relationships, trust, tolerance, etc. Her Master was a late bloomer (Einstein syndrome). They met when he was 32, and it has been his first serious relationship (and I am thinking it may be the only one he ever has, barring something tragic happening to Pixi).

Anyway, I went off on a tangent to make a point about specific circumstances, as exceptions to more general communication "rules" and "requirements" and "preferences."

I just think there could be specific extenuating circumstances that cause Kale to feel uncomfortable taking time out from Sass to chat with you, when Sass is in the house. You said upthread that Sass wants nothing to do with you. You don't know why this changed. But you could ask Kale if this avoidance effects his comfort around texting you when they are with Sass. I suspect it does.
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Thank you for your reply, Magdlyn. I will edit my signature and change to nicknames. I apologize.

Mustang (K) and I were able to talk after Snowbird (S) went back home. Christmas day was especially hard for me, because Mustang literally didn't say anything to me all day. I realize for some people, that isn't a big deal, but to me it is. I told him how it felt, he listened. There may have been some misunderstood expectations-he thought I wanted a long phone conversation every day, when all I was actually wanting was a few minutes to say hi and see each other (we FaceTime regularly). I said "It is something that would have meant a great deal to me." I think those were the best words I could have chosen.

We also talked a bit about how Snowbird communicates with her other partners when she is in town. She does regularly call them and keeps in touch with them while she is visiting Mustang, even though she sees them as much as I see Mustang when she isn't here. I am the only other person Mustang has ever had a relationship with, while being with Snowbird. They have been together a long time, and she has had several other partners. We talked about a lot of things, and I feel better at the moment. I asked him if there were things I did that made him feel unheard or anything negative. He said no, and that he wanted to do things that would make me feel supported and connected. I'm glad we talked.
 
I'm glad you were able to talk, and get on the same page. You picked the right words to say!
 
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