Just LR

He see's someone at least once a month (for a couple of years) because he has to in order to get the ADD meds. Unfortunately; he WAS telling her "meds are working great life is fine" which was bullshit. If he asked me to go with him (and I HAVE suggested that) I would happily tell her what IS NOT working great. But I can't make him let me go.

As for kids; he is a part of our life, their lives so we won't stop him from coming over to visit-but no-they aren't going to his place if it is a disaster (which is what happened before, he visited them at our place).

My goal isn't to "dump" him. My goal is to segregate his responsibilities from ours so that he has to deal with his own and I don't. He won't be unwelcome at the house just as none of the extended family is unwelcome. But like extended family, he will be expected to go home except for special events (when we have special events like New Years we promote people spending the night to avoid any drinking and driving or sleepy driving).

Yes he is quite clueless and... what's the word? Ummmm.... lackadaisical isn't the word I'm going for-but it's similar. Almost apathetic about self improvement. He doesn't really SEE how he can improve or where to start or how to start etc. But I'm not interested in being his educator. He has no personal drive or motivation to seek help or make steps or whatever.
 
Hmmm ... counseling can't be very helpful if one doesn't tell one's counselor the truth. He almost seems to be in a state of denial about how serious things have become. We can hope that he'll learn some things by living on his own for awhile, but all we can be sure of is that you won't have to stave off the problems he causes.

Sorry you got hit with the extra work of paying the bills without his help. Just the type of thing you need a break from, isn't it?
 
A counselors worst nitemare; a patient who is comes in for help deluded into believing that they don't need help. Eye roll.

At any rate; yes it is the kind of thing I need a break from and it sucks. But it is what it is.

I have cancelled all of my classes for this semester. I will put my extra time into getting things stabilized so that I can return to school in January and put more time and attention to school. I still hope to graduate with my bachelors in 2017 so I can go to California to work on my masters and phd.

I can't make him learn. I don't think he has a clue how serious the issue is-partly because his whole family is like this and "they get along" so what's the big deal.
The big deal to me is that I don't want to live that way-so I'm not going to.

Other people don't mind living like that and if he is one of those people, that is his prerogative. But I am not.
Honestly; I don't think it's really going to "click" at all for him until we move to California and he can't follow because his finances are such a mess. THEN it may click-when all the kids are gone and so am I.
 
This sucks!

Just a thought. Send and email or snail mail letter to his counselor. I know, he's a big boy and should take care of his own shit, but the problem keeps getting bigger. You say the ADHD meds aren't working, could these particular ones be be making the problems worse? Are they making him more disconnected with reality and more apathetic/numb? Just as you can't expect a schizophrenic to accurately see the situation around them (especially when off their meds - or on the wrong meds), could this be similar? Sure you have told him (50 million times), but can his brain shift into gear and remember all that stuff during his appointment? My husband is extremely good at blocking out the truth and remembering it completely different than anyone else. I always thought he did it on purpose, but I think there is a true neurological disconnect sometimes. We recently discovered that my kid has a language processing disorder, where he literally hears/sees things differently than they were said/written and I've noticed similarities in my husband. I know for a fact that both my husband and my kid would say everything is fine until prodded with short direct questions and even then it's questionable. GG may be very uncomfortable with you going with him, but maybe he would be willing to let you send an email or letter to the doctor what you see happening.
 
Last edited:
Sorry, LR... it's extremely hard to continue to help someone who can't - or won't - help themselves. Big hugs from the opposite coast!
 
Actually-that's a pretty good idea-and I can give her the info without much work on my part, because I see her, Sweet Pea see's her and Maca see's her. SO I can take her a letter on my next appointment. She can't talk to me about his case-but she knows damn well I pay for all of the appointments-so she won't be shocked if I give her information regarding him and she can always bring it up to him.
I think that I will do that. Just sit down and write her a letter outlining the topics of concern.
:)
 
My mom had to do this with my Grandmother once (at my prompting). Turns out my Grandmother had a small stroke that would have gone undiagnosed without my mom writing a letter to the doctor. The doctor can't give out personal information, but there is no law stating they can't receive it. Most do, especially with difficult uncommunicative patients.
 
LR, I am sorry it came to this with GG. I know you've loved him a long time. You even had a hidden affair with him! But these last couple years it sounds like he's going from bad to worse. I hope you feel some relief despite the financial hit.

Odd he got fired from his job. Last I heard he was working long hours, not being able to say no to them.
 
Mags-I honestly believe that he undermined himself TO get fired. I can't prove it and there's no point arguing it. But my impression is that he felt so guilty about the whole thing that he set himself up for failure so that he wasn't "quitting" and he could leave the job.
It's just one more sign of irresponsible behavior vs taking charge to make upfront, forthright decisions and stick to them.

Anyway-I do love him. It's been 21 years. But as I told him, loving him doesn't mean accepting involvement in his dysfunctional behaviors just because he chooses not to deal with them and grow up.

He is passive. He tends to screw himself over avoiding making a decision in anything that is difficult, conflictual, or frightening. But avoiding a decision IS making a decision. It's making the decision to make someone else do your dirty work.
It's a very codependent behavior and it puts a lot of pressure on someone else to be your enabler. Which I have been for years. But being an enabler isn't healthy either and having seen that in myself, I have decided to work on it in myself-which in turn means drama in our relationship because he is still codependent.

He missed the opportunity to go to Disneyland with Sour Pea for her first time (something HE has always wanted to do) because he wasn't willing to ASK his boss for one of the 14 days off. He was afraid of the possible conflict. So he didn't bother to ASK.

He missed the opportunity to get a new/different job before being fired, because he didn't LOOK for a new job over the last 4 years even though he knew this one wasn't "PREFERENTIAL" for his family life or life goals.

He missed the chance to go do anything overnight for our last two anniversaries, because he didn't bother to put away the money for the hotel (something I have always done in the past) or make reservations.

The last 6 or so years he's had health care coverage through work that would match what he pays for dental care up to $3000 a year. His teeth are LITERALLY all rotting out of his mouth. With me DIALING THE PHONE for him after researching the dental providers who could potentially help him out; he made a call and made ONE appointment to go over what needs done. The dentist worked out a plan and set it up, but he never made the second appointment. So-$36000 in dental care available-and he didn't bother to get any of the work done. In the meantime his teeth are broken off and black and in many places gone except for the roots.

He has needed his prescription for glasses renewed the last two years. It was COVERED by his insurance. He FINALLY made an appointment this summer while we were gone. But-he didn't order the glasses. Just got the prescription and go figure, now he has no job, no income and no insurance coverage for the glasses. :/

He's had issues with ED his entire adult life. He has not one time EVER discussed it with the doctor. Even though he has seen specialists in THAT arena for other health issues, he hasn't brought it up. Even though it has created all sorts of problems because he can't get off except by himself and generally can't keep it up long enough to have intercourse at all.

He puts shit off until the last minute regularly-and the only reason he's managed to NOT lose more opportunities, is because I plan ahead. But I stopped planning ahead for him. I stopped covering his ass.

I stopped, because we were supposed to move out of Alaska in 2010. He was foot dragging through the financial process. He has NO credit (not bad, not good, nothing). The mortgage lender sat down with him and I (at an appointment I made) to discuss what steps were necessary in order for him to cosign a new mortgage with Mark (they are the ones who have been working). He needed to get a credit card and use it (preferably to pay utilities monthly) and pay it off, get a loan for $1000 and pay it off over the course of a year, and put one of the utilities in his name and pay it for a year.
I couldn't DO any of that FOR him. It was things he had to do.
Well-he kept delaying and it didn't get done.

FINALLY in 2013 he did it. But in the meantime, he screwed us over for moving. The plan required all of us to work as a team and he didn't do his part. His explanation was "it just always slips my mind and I just never made it down to the bank" and "I have been so busy with work...."
Uh huh. WHATEVER.

So I told him I was done "babysitting him" through his bs. He needed to DEAL with it. I also stopped planning my move based upon US doing it. Maca and I are planning the move on Maca's income alone-which means GG has to plan his own move. It's a slower process, it will take longer because we have to pay off the van loan, the motorcycle loan, the vacation timeshare mortgage and get the house in order to be rented or sold before we can do anything. Whereas GG had NO loans, so together their income to debt ratio was acceptable for taking another mortgage loan on.

ANYWAY-
the bottom line is that he has a major issue with taking responsibility to make a decision AND follow through on putting it to action in every area of his life.

I'm not even POSITIVE that he "got fired" (that is what he messaged me). Because later he messaged me that he was waiting to find out if they were going to allow his termination date to be set for next month-so he can collect his retirement in full (he would be vested in this company as of next month). THAT suggests to me that he was asked to quit.

EITHER WAY-it means he won't be able to collect unemployment for 6 weeks. Yet his last message to me was all about how "relieved" he felt after being fired. I was rather offended. Relieved? Seriously? Relieved because YOU don't have to figure out how to pay the bills or buy the groceries etc? Because sure as shit someone has to rearrange the finances to make sure everything is taken care of and SOMEONE has to work extra hours to make up the difference of $4000 less a month in income! Relieved.
 
He was working outrageous hours (60-80 a week). He is salary, so his hours are not tracked (unless he tracks them which he hasn't) and his pay doesn't change regardless of how much he works. He is expected to "be sure the job is done". He had 100 days of leave time a year that he is not required to request time off for PLUS 80 hours of vacation time that requires him to request the time off.
He took Friday off work and even though he hasn't used ANY of that leave time-he got fired.
The whole thing sounds really hokey to me. It sounds like more of the same railroading bs that has been happening all along, which he has refused to take up the chain of command and handle.
 
Health and dental coverage should be good, at least til the end of the month or 30 days after the official termination date - should be able to use vacation time to extend termination date. Then again, this is his problem to solve. I'd suspect that his bosses were facing similar frustrations that you are with him. I really do sympathize with you, my husband has many similar traits, although not near as extreme, but it takes drastic situations to light a fire and convince him something is important. He hasn't had a raise in 5 years and he won't ask, waits until the last minute to ask for vacation time, likes to tell you what you want to hear just to avoid making himself look bad (claims it's because he doesn't want to upset someone else), etc :eek:. I'm absolutely no expert, but maybe the ADHD meds aren't working because the problem isn't really ADHD (or not all of it), but something else that requires a different approach - hard to do when they won't talk and admit the truth to the person that can be of help. You can only bang your head against the wall so many times. Good Luck!
 
Damn, LR. I can see why you wanted him to start being responsible for himself for a change.
 
SNeacail said:
I'm absolutely no expert, but maybe the ADHD meds aren't working because the problem isn't really ADHD (or not all of it), but something else that requires a different approach - hard to do when they won't talk and admit the truth to the person that can be of help. You can only bang your head against the wall so many times. Good Luck!
Click to expand...

ABSOLUTELY! ADHD is an issue, BUT, it's not an excuse. A large part of the issue is not having learned personal accountability in any form and as much as it sounds outlandish, I am SERIOUSLY not exaggerating that his whole family has major issues. His mom has been couch surfing since her divorce. All of his siblings and he quit school. His brothers are all regularly homeless and jobless, when they work, it's at dead-end minimum wage jobs that don't do drug testing.
I posted something on fb one time about personal accountability and how frustrating it is to deal with people who don't have it; his mom posted a comment "all my kids got that from me. we just can't seem to grasp it".
Um-WTF.
She believes "God will provide" and all she's required to do is wait and see it happen. Which-tends to be GG's default response as well. GG has come FAR from where the rest of his family is, but he's gotten here kicking and screaming while Maca and I dragged him along.

The sad thing for me is that HE DOES NOT SEE IT.

He can't understand why I got angry to come home and find that he had painted the banister a different color without talking to anyone.

Why I got mad that he took three days out to shampoo the carpets (which are being torn out) but didn't bother to clean the shower for 6 weeks.

Can't understand why it bothers me that HE gets upset over the ED and it negatively impacts OUR relationship (his upset) but he won't make the appt to talk to the dr.

Why it bothers me that he has no clue what the monthly bills are, how much income comes in or from where much less how to ensure they are paid or create a budget etc.

Why it bothers me that he refuses to stick to the bedtime schedule for our daughter, resulting in him reading and playing with her IN HER ROOM after she's been sent to bed, past her bedtime, which means she doesn't go to sleep on time or wake up on time and is a grumpy little brat during the day.

Why it bothers me that he spends every penny on his credit card until it is overlimit unless the card is taken away-but can't even say what he spent it on.

Why it bothers me that he waits for me to schedule get togethers and issue invitations-but complains about not seeing the people he cares for (cause he can't call his own self?).

Why it bothers me that he has no plan for his future, says "I just want to make you happy" and no amount of me reminding him that HE CAN NOT MAKE ME HAPPY (or not) ONLY I CAN helps. No amount of saying "I JUST want YOU TO FUCKING MAKE A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE and STOP expecting to follow me around like a damn puppy dog" helps.

He can tell me all of the things he doesn't want. He can't tell me what he wants OR what he's going to do to get what he wants.

His life is passing by. I am passing out of it. The kids are passing out of it. And he's missing it.
 
Sad, but necessary. You couldn't have kept pulling the whole train for him forever.
 
It's possible that when things get bad enough for him, he'll remember how you took responsibility for things and will try to follow your example. Yeah I know, not likely, but we can always dream, yes?
 
My ex always says to dream big and dream offen. I think its a good plan. Best laid when one also implements a plan and procedure for seeing those dreams realized. But nothing wrong with having a dream. ;)
 
Wow... What a lot to be dealing with! I am so sorry.

I think the letter to the counselor to give her other data about his case for consideration is a good move. How else would the counselor know when the patient will not disclose?

Galagirl
 
Yeah, I think giving the counselor that letter is a good idea too.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top