Just LR

I am hanging in. I took today "off." Sweet Pea had shooting with his best friend. So after piano I dropped him at their house.

Then I picked up little P and took him and Sour Pea to town. We went to the mall for French fries (their idea), then the park to play, then the book store to read, and finally to dinner.

Headed back home, dropped Little P at home barely in time for bed, picked Sweet Pea up and came home. Sour Pea went to bed. I watched a movie with Sweet Pea.

In the meantime, during the day, both Panther and Maca contacted GG. (I didn't know.) I don't believe either realized the other one was. Panther told him to back off, that he was putting the kids and me in emotional distress, and Maca was struggling enough to deal with his family responsibilities without the added BS.

I don't know for certain what Maca said, but SOMETHING must have clicked. Because GG finally quit pressuring me and started packing his room.
I suspect Maca made the deadline earlier. But I requested to not hear anything today about any of it. I want to just spend the day with my kids uninterrupted by the drama.

In the meantime, my heart feels crushed. There is nothing left for me to do but let go. He has pushed everything to the far limits and now my own mental health is in question. I simply can't do a single thing more for or with him. Its breathtakingly painful.
 
One possible theory: With all the changes that have taken place in what he's used to, perhaps GG is like a kid with a new babysitter or a dog with a new petsitter -- he doesn't know if perhaps all the change means his boundaries have changed. So, he is testing the boundaries. Finding out what he can (and can't) get away with.

I can understand that in principle but I still think he needs to get his own place to live. It would be better for everyone -- even himself. Once he has his own place, he can put the TV (and plants) anywhere he wants, and clutter any desk he wants to his heart's content. If he wants to make amends with you he can do that -- from a healthy distance. He can still meet you for couples counseling or whatever.

And the "passive-aggressive cookie jar" will be safely out of his reach.
 
Every single day this week he has left me a message, in spite of my specific request to be left alone for now. He just can't stop. I'm so damn exhausted emotionally. It's not healthy. He is so caught up in his own little world he is oblivious to the fact that the rest of us have our OWN responsibilities and our OWN emotions to work through. I don't have anything left to GIVE.

He did finally start packing boxes.
 
Re:
"Every single day this week he has left me a message in spite of my specific request to be left alone for now."
Click to expand...

Hmmm. You can't stop him from messaging you, but I suppose you could inform him that you won't be (reading or) responding to any of his messages until further notice. Heh. And you might add that said notice won't occur until after he's moved out.

Re:
"He did finally start packing boxes."
Click to expand...

That means he must just about have a new place to live lined up ... yes? [hope hope hope]
 
"I CAN'T have anything to do with you. You have shit to handle, shit that isn't handled, that is damaging to me. It's dragged on and on and on and on to the point where now I CAN NOT keep myself safe anymore.

Your feelings, your needs, your problems, your fears, your war, your torture, your everything is YOUR responsibility. It's YOUR responsibility to figure out what the steps are in YOUR life that make it possible for you to be happy with the CONSEQUENCES.

You have freedom of choice, and you have used it. You never have freedom of consequences, and you are living it.

I can't give you advice."

That was my response yesterday. Today's response was by text. I no longer have a copy of it. Essentially it said he had already been asked AND told to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. He wasn't respecting that.

STOP texting me.
STOP leaving me notes.
STOP sending messages through the kids.
STOP emailing me.
STOP HARASSING ME AND FIND YOURSELF A PLACE TO LIVE.

I said if he did not back off and respect my boundaries I was going to check myself into the hospital psych unit until he was gone.
 
Yeah, that ought to work. Sucks though when tough times demand tough talk, doesn't it?

He still has his thread on Polyamory.com that he can turn to for further advice if he needs it. Sad to say he hasn't been tapping into that resource lately. :(
 
I know. I pay attention. He hasn't been tapping into any resource. He's been moping around his room when he isn't working.
 
Sounds like another dose of passive aggression. "Since LR won't tell me what to do, I guess I'll just have to wander around in my room."

He has other options -- and the fact that he started that other thread proves that he knows he has other options. So, let him mope, sez I, if that is what he wants to do.
 
I want to (((HUG))) you in person. Fly out here... escape if you want.

I love you. I know that life sucks in a lot of ways. But I love you even if I can't be there to physically support you.

And I also know how much that sucks when you have someone all ready to help but seriously far away.

So all I can do is (((HUG))) you.

Over and over and over and be there if you want to talk/text because that's all I can offer... that and my love.
 
Thanks, A. I am frustratedly counting days. I leave again the 28th. I do appreciate the hugs and support, even from far away.
 
Panther

Currently he's avoiding me. Between Maca flying off the handle and contacting him (before I had) with "Do you want a sexual relationship with my wife?" and the ensuing conversation (which I found out about a day later), & GG's bullshit, he's asked me to give him space. I'm not surprised. I'm angry. Not at him. Angry at the guys for their bullshit.

Maca never should have brought it up. It wasn't his place. GG just needs to get his head out of his ass. I can't change the series of STUPID behaviors that led to this point.

He's been a friend for 26 years. OF COURSE I agreed to give him space. Who the hell wants to be caught up in the midst of a drama that they didn't have a damn thing to do with? No one. Who wants to be confronted by a spouse about wanting sex with a friend when they don't even know that the friend is interested? No one.

Talk about fucking childish bullshit. It's so frustrating dealing with people who flat fucking refuse to SEE how THEY are behaving like spoiled children. I think I'm going to go for a walk, even if it is fucking cold outside and I hate the fucking cold.
 
LR, I am feeling pretty bad for you. If you are on the brink of checking yourself into a psych ward anyhow, I wonder if some sessions with a counselor would help at this time? I have links for finding poly-friendly counselors if that would help.

Don't get me wrong, I think you also need the moral support you can get here on the forum. You need to know that people here care about what you're going through. But things are also bad enough for you at the moment that a professional touch might also be called for.

Sorry GG and Maca both let you down this time around. Has Maca apologized for his behavior towards Panther? Has he apologized to Panther directly? (I already know that GG is good at apologizing, but bad at actually changing.)

Hang in there.
 
I have two poly-friendly counselors, and I have an appointment next week, but I've already been in touch. :)

I am working hard at taking charge of myself and my issues before they get out of hand. I'm not suicidal and I don't feel like I need to be in care, but I am keeping that door open, because I don't want to reach those points.

Depression and anxiety are deceptive creatures and very... insidious. I easily go from "doing ok" to "holy fuck, so very not ok now" in a blink. So I have put the pieces in place for immediate action, as needed, including several people who are WELL aware of the WHOLE picture doing face-to-face check-ins on me several times a day.

Right now, I'm ok. But I don't intend to not be ok, and that means not letting anyone else push the boundaries of me getting the exact care I need, which includes not being dragged into someone else's drama.

As for Maca and Panther, yes, Maca did apologize directly to Panther, and from what I understand (from Panther) they've remained in contact, and have agreed that RIGHT NOW any discussion about relationship changes are irrelevant and inappropriate. They have both agreed that the top priority needs to be ensuring that the kids and I aren't suffering on account of GG's drama. I don't know the details of their conversations. They don't matter.

Panther isn't avoiding me as a friend. He is just backing away from any conversation about any other possibilities, because the drama and BS is just asinine. This is one of the reasons we have remained close friends for so long. We both accept that "time and place" matters. And this isn't the time or the place. I need my friend.

Today was the FIRST day that GG hasn't left me some sort of message trying to reel me in. I admit it was a relieving sensation to get up this morning and NOT find more letters or texts.

He has no idea how hard it is to stand my ground. I KNOW I can't help him. I know he has to do this on his own. I even understand how and why.
But it's not easy for me to step away, and it's especially hard when he's kicking and screaming and begging for me to help. When he takes it a step further and tells me "This is the cruelest you've ever been to me" and goes on and on about how heartless I am being, yeah... it makes me ill.

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2014/10/01/confused-scared-heartbroken/

In this blog post, named after the subject line of his email to me, I break down his email in quotes and reply to it. It's one big huge guilt trip.

I so get that he's heartbroken. But DAMN, it would go a long way for him to ACCEPT that it is actually he who broke his own heart. That it took him so long to realize the damage was done is sad, unfortunate even. But nonetheless, the choices were his. He walked out of this relationship a LONG time ago. The only reason he is even looking back is because the consequences have finally come to fruition.
 
Re:
"I have two poly friendly counselors :)
And I have an appointment next week -- but I've already been in touch. :)"
Click to expand...

Oh good, that's a relief.

Re:
"Depression and Anxiety are deceptive creatures and very ... insidious. Easily go from 'doing okay' to 'holy fuck so very not okay now' in a blink."
Click to expand...

Totally agree.

Well, it sounds like things are better between Panther and Maca, but GG is still stuck in, "Oh woe is me," and is not moving forward to, "I'd better do something about it." He doesn't get that the work that has to be done is work that only he can do. He persistently believes that you are the one that can do the work for him.

I know it will be hard for him to learn to be more independent. He will probably have to hit bottom before the lesson takes. And I know he thinks he has already hit the bottom, but he won't hit it until after he moves out.

Sucky situation for everyone. GG's choices have had consequences that have affected many people.
 
I didn't have time to go back and catch up with all that's going on. I get you're kicking GG out and there is a new guy in the wings. The thing I don't get is why Maca and GG don't have the right to say stuff. I mean, if the guy has been around for 26 yrs, he knows the dynamic and they know him.

Sure, Maca's comments are awkward and embarrassing, and maybe rude, but let's not forget how he got dragged into this.

And GG saying that to Maca... In his current emotional state, it seems reasonable that it was an honest emotion and a possible moment of empathy of the pain Maca felt. Do you think there was a nefarious motive in that remark? There may have been, but that doesn't mean the comment wasn't true, too. I think if this guy's been around 26 yrs, he can't have such thin skin.

It could it be you're overreacting a little. Relax and trust your gut. It will all work out ok. From what I remember, you've been through worse.
 
I understand LR's position on whether Maca and GG have a right to talk to Panther. They might have a right to talk to him about *their* thoughts and/or concerns. They *don't* have a right to speak for LR, and it sounds like that's what Maca, at least, did. In my opinion, it was not Maca's place to talk to Panther about a relationship with LR when LR hadn't had an opportunity yet to speak to Panther herself.

Being involved with someone doesn't give you the right to interfere in that person's relationships with others.
 
Dinged, they have a right to talk about their thoughts. But I hadn't suggested to Panther that I wanted to consider changing our relationship. I went to Maca about it per our boundary agreement. He jumped the gun and told Panther himself. THAT is what pissed me off.

It's not his place to go to a person and tell them I may be interested in them. That's MY place. Just like he doesn't want me going up to the women he talks to me about and saying "Did you want to fuck my husband?" when he hasn't even spoken to them about the topic before. It was truly jumping the gun, and it was a SHITTY TIME. I brought it up to him because it was the time (every three months) when we discuss boundary changes, and it was a possibility. But it was just confusing for everyone for him to go in and lambast Panther when he had NO CLUE there was anything going on in that topic.

Had Maca waited until I had spoken to Panther, he could have expressed his concerns. But he decided to go to Panther while I was asleep, after ASSURING me he would wait. Not only was I asleep (and he knew it) but I was on vacation in another state. So I wake up and there's a furious message from Panther, because he got reamed out by Maca for something he didn't do and didn't KNOW about. Go figure. Another message from Maca starting out, "You can be pissed, but please read the whole conversation first." Ok, so I read the conversation; he starts with, "Are you wanting to fuck my wife?" and ends by telling him that he isn't good enough for me... WOW!

THEN turns around by noon and says he's SOOOO sorry, he was just SOOOOO emotional he couldn't control himself at midnight.

No, I'm sorry. You are a grown man and I don't care if 5 years ago you were brought unwillingly into an open relationship. You've had 5 years to change your mind, and you opted not to. You've had 5 years to date other women, and you chose to do so. You've had 5 years to come to terms with it, create boundaries that YOU are responsible for following, JUST as much as I am responsible for following them. Attacking potentials because you have an emotional moment is NOT acceptable, ESPECIALLY when they ARE COMPLETELY UNAWARE an interest has been brought up!

GG is just being an ass. He's hurting and scared and he's lashing out anywhere he possibly can.
 
Last edited:
Re:
"*Then* turns around by noon and says he's *soooo* sorry he was just *sooooo* emotional he couldn't control himself at midnight."
Click to expand...

Ugh, that's not a real apology. It's a stinky smelly rationalization served up on an "apology" plate. "I didn't do anything wrong, but I apologize."

Polyfolk tend to agree that even if a particular emotion can't be helped, the *action* one chooses to take in response to that emotion certainly *can* be helped. So, enough with the excuses, he owes you an authentic apology.

Re:
"GG is just being an ass. he's hurting and he's scared and he's lashing out anywhere he possibly can."
Click to expand...

Well when he hits bottom, he'll know there's nothing more to be afraid of.

Bleah. I don't like the way either of those guys is acting.
 
Me either, Kevin. But I don't know what to do. Each person needs to do their own self improvement, yes? I am trying to focus on mine. I admit it is difficult.
 
It wasn't always like this, was it? Didn't Maca and GG used to help and support you when you needed to depend on them? When did that change, and what was the precipitating event? Do you think you might have used to perceive them differently? I don't mean to pry, I just know that sometimes questions like these help us get a better understanding of the problem.

I think that right now you especially need to focus on taking care of yourself. You are going through a crisis and it is hard on you. It would be hard on anyone.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top