Just need a shoulder, a ear, SOME HELP!

K

kinkylove97

New member
Honestly, i dont know anymore. So im in a poly triad with my husband M and girlfriend J, we have beenliving together for almost a year. I love it but recently i have been struggling with intimacy with both of them.... I cant bringmy self to do anything more than a kiss with J and i can make love to my husband if J is home. I know sorry if it;s tmi. I love my husband and i deffiantly have alot of love for J but sometimes i dont know if im in love with her or the idea of her. J is a few years older than me and M, so sometimes she trys to move things along fast because "her clock is ticking" but sometimes it makes me wanna end it all together or go back and act like we just started dating. Dont get me wrong i want to have children with her and i can see myself growing old with them but M and I have been together almost 4 years and married for 1 and I kinda want us to try for children before them as i feel its more appropriat,fair,deserved? because of the time weve been together compared to the short time with J? Idk y i have had the intamcy issue i find J so sexy but i just cant bring myself to go through with anything. I feel like im disrespecting her or gonna get in trouble if i have sex with M when shes home? SOMEONE JUST TALK TO ME I FEEL LIKE A CONFUSED SCHOOL GIRL!
 
Is it that maybe you are not as big as you thought? Maybe you are more comfortable being friends with J? Nothing wrong with that.

There is also nothing wrong with two members of a triad going off and some fun alone time together. I mean, threesomes are fun and all, but can get tedious if that's all you do.

Maybe the three of you just need to sit down and talk it out.
 
You don't say how long you have known J but it sounds to me like things are moving too fast for you. You wanted to enoy the romance and getting to know each other but J wants to get very serious. It seems as though you you are feeling that J will be upset if you have recreational sex with M because she wants procreative sex with him. Is M pressurring you to go along with J's timeline?

As Vince said some honest discussions need to be had so you all can decide how you want to proceed.

Leetah
 
M isnt pressing me if anything i think i pressure him because J and M relationship is physically great but emotionally could use some work... and honestly weve had these talks and it turns into everyone getting hurt or mad thinking thats someone doesnt wanna be with them or that there not equal.
 
Here's some food for thought, you don't have to answer.

What's stopping both women trying to conceive at the same time?

Why, precisely, do you feel like you'll get in trouble having 1-1 sex with him when she is home?

Have you got any agreements between the three of you that you don't police each other pair's sex life?

Or are you afraid you'll get in trouble because there's a preexisting double standard that needs dismantling after a year of living together?

How much 1-1 time do they get to work on their emotional connection?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. You tell me if I get it wrong, ok?

I do terrible with initials. I'm gonna make up generic rock names for them. If you want to change the names, I will go with what you pick.

Blue is mine... asking some clarifying questions to get more of the picture. You do not have to answer them. But maybe it helps you some to see your stuff organized a different way like bullet list?

BACKGROUND

  • You are kinkylove97. You are married to Malachite. You have been together 4 years, but married for just 1.

  • Right as you were getting married, Jade moved in. Jade has been living here almost a year.

(You guys didn't take time to do that honeymoon nesting thing that first married year? Marriage is a big change. Why leap into moving someone else in -- another big change right on top of it? How long have you been seeing Jade? How/why did she move in? :confused:)

PROBLEMS

  • It's been a year. The NRE might be wearing off with Jade. You don't know if you actually into Jade, or just the IDEA of Jade and being in a triad.

  • Even though you don't know how into her you really are...you want to commit to having children with her and grow old with her.

(Why commit so fast like that? Rather than slow down and not jump the gun? It can't just be dating a year into it? Have to plan kids and retirement right NOW? Or is this you being into the IDEA of that kind of set up, and no so much Jade?)

  • Jade is a few years older than you and Malachite, so sometimes she tries to move things along fast because "her clock is ticking. "
    • You don't like that pressure and sometimes want to break up with her over that.
    • Or scale down the intensity and go back to how it was when you were first dating. (Like..."Jade, move back out please. Still want to be with you but we do not work as roomiesin this space" or something else like everyone moves to a bigger space/duplex/same apartment complex situation so its still close but not on top of each other? What about the time "before" do you miss?)

  • You think she's sexy, but have a hard time sharing sex with Jade. (Because it's your first female-female thing? Or just not THAT into her? Or something else like these other problems kill your libido? )

  • You feel weird sharing sex with Malachite if Jade is in the house. Like if you do share sex with him, you are disrespecting her somehow. (If you lived with a roomie would it still be weird to share sex with your spouse? Or is this just because Jade is not a "regular roomie?" Or because she makes comments about it? Something else?)

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS

  • This triad did not really discuss family planning yet... but wants to "have kids and grow old together" anyway? (How does that work?)

  • You want to have kids with Malachite first. Because you have been with him longer and are the married spouse. (Does he agree? Does she?)

  • Or maybe you have come to realize you want genetic monogamy -- like poly is fine, but you don't want your kids to have half-siblings somewhere else and/or be tied to other people that way? Or you don't want to co-parent with more people? Or you don't have the time/money/other resources to invest in that many kids? (Is that true?)

META PROBLEM AFFECTING ALL OTHER THINGS

  • Trying to solve all these problems above is made difficult because the participants do not communicate and do conflict resolution well.
    • If the 3 try to talk? It turns into everyone getting hurt or mad thinking that someone doesn't wanna be with them or that they are not equal.
    • It does not stay "on topic" -- it derails into the side convo comforting whoever.
    • Then all 3 are tired from that, and then the original conversation doesn't ever move FORWARD toward any real resolutions. Just kicking the can further down the road.
Who is are the someones? Is it all three at various times? How?

Or is it just Jade trying to hasten things again? Like you don't mind working toward co-primary over time, but you haven't even settled into your new marriage yet. Meanwhile she wants all these things NOW because "her clock is ticking?" And if concerns or issues are brought up, she wigs out, and then are you left walking on eggshells around Jade feeling weird in your home?

SPIN OFF PROBLEM -- COMING OFF THE META PROBLEM


  • The Jade and Malachite relationship is physically great but emotionally could use some work.
    • I don't like or want that stuff "spilling over" on to me
    • I don't want to do "3 people convo that goes nowhere about it" because if I bring it up? Here comes drama and it doesn't get solved anyway.
    • It all adds to the whole walking on eggshells thing.

So then I feel stuck/frustrated.

  • I do/do not want their stuff spilling over on to me.
  • I do/do not want to be all up in their dyad trying to run their relationship for them.
  • I can't get away from its effects on the household because I live here too.
  • I end up pressuring Malachite to solve whatever between (him and Jade). I do/do not like this behavior of mine.

Is any of that in the ballpark? Is any of that kinda how it is in this situation?

Galagirl
 
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kinkylove97 said:
Honestly, I don't know anymore. I'm in a poly triad with my husband Malachite and girlfriend Jade. We have been living together for almost a year.

I love it, but recently I have been struggling with intimacy with both of them. I can't bring myself to do anything more than a kiss with Jade, and I can't make love to Malachite if Jade is home. I know, sorry if it's tmi.
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It isn't. We are all adults here. And most of us are skeptical about triads. They rarely work out long term. Vs are much easier.

I love my husband, and I definitely have a lot of love for Jade, but sometimes I don't know if I'm in love with her or just the idea of her.
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What do you mean by "just the idea of her"? The idea of being in an unconventional "cool" polyamorous triad, more than the actual reality of one?

Jade is a few years older than Malachite and me, so sometimes she tries to move things along fast because "her clock is ticking." But sometimes it makes me want to end it altogether, or go back and act like we just started dating.

Don't get me wrong, I want to have children with her, and I can see myself growing old with them both, but Malachite and I have been together almost 4 years, married for 1, and I kind of want us to try for children before them, as I feel it's more appropriate, fair, deserved (?), because of the time we've been together, compared to the short time with Jade.
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If you three made an agreement some time ago that you would live together and Malachite would get both of you pregnant within X months or years, and you have changed your mind, it's OK to say so. Just because Jade wants a child by Malachite does not commit you to being a parent to their child. If the "dream," the fantasy is not matching up with your current reality, stand your ground and say so.

Maybe she and M still want a child together. Jade can get her own place and they can parent the child there. It's up to them to plan the schedule of having a child. Then you and M have to negotiate how much of his time can go to you when he is parenting a newborn, then a demanding toddler.

When you feel fully ready, and M is willing, you and he can start TTCing. He must understand that, if the living together thing is no longer working, he will have 2 households, potentially 2 children, one in each house. He will be a very busy man.

This is a classic scenario, even the Bible addresses it! Wife 1 and Wife 2. Both want a kid by the same husband. A competition starts up. Each wife has her own tent or small house. Hubs is running back and forth trying to keep each woman sexually satisfied and get them with child. Who will conceive first?

If the wives aren't getting along and can't peacefully coexist, and be able to comfortably raise their children in near proximity, all hell breaks loose.

I don't know why I have the intimacy issue. I find Jade so sexy, but I just cant bring myself to go through with anything. I also feel like I'm disrespecting her or going to get in trouble if I have sex with Malachite when she's home. SOMEONE JUST TALK TO ME. I FEEL LIKE A CONFUSED SCHOOL GIRL!
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I think you do know why. Your NRE has worn off, a poly triad in reality is not as much fun as the fantasy was, as the infatuated first year was. Jade is getting impatient. She wants a kid NOW. You feel like, as Wife 1, you should have a kid first, but you're younger and in no hurry. She must feel angry, having to wait to have a baby as her eggs age. No wonder you don't want to have sex with either partner now!
 
If that was all mostly in the ball park?

Then here's what I suggest.

1) Stop trying to pressure Malachite to do something about the (Malachite + Jade) issues so they stop spilling you. Instead? Learn better communication skills and better personal boundaries. Side step it. Let it BE his problem to deal with.

If they still try to spill it on you? Start speaking up more and decline. "No, thank you. I see this as an (M+J) issue. Please solve it together on your own time. I do not need to be involved in this. Talk to someone else if you need help. " Be boring and lather, rinse, repeat.

So if Malachite is dumping on you? Tell him to stop and talk to Jade or some other person NOT in the system. You are in the system. You cannot be objective. You are not a good person to be the sound board on that one.

Same thing if it is Jade dumping on you.

Remember not ALL the stuff is triad stuff.

Some of the stuff is your stuff and ONLY your stuff. Presumably you brush your own teeth. None of them do that for you, right? That's just YOU stuff. Some is just Malachite stuff. Some is just Jade stuff.

Some of the stuff is (You + Malachite) stuff. Nothing to do with Jade.

Some of the stuff is (You + Jade) stuff. Nothing to do with M.

Some of the stuff is (Malachite + Jade) stuff. Nothing to do with You.

Some of the stuff is trio stuff. But not ALL of it is or should be.

If people try to suck you into things that is NOT YOUR STUFF? Say "No, thanks!" and keep out of it. Hard to keep out of it while living there? Do not live together.

2) Stop living here with Jade.

Either in this too small space. Like you all move to a bigger space so you aren't on top of each other irking one another.

Or stop living together entirely. Like the same apartment complex is close enough. But not in the same apartment! That is too close.

Even needs enough space and enough privacy.

3) Decide if you still even want to date Jade.

If it's pretty much over for you? You do the right thing and break up with her. "Jade, I'm sorry. This isn't working out for me. I need to break up with you." Do not string her along.

Jade and Malachite can continue to date each other. It can be a V thing rather than a triad thing.

In dating life? Not everyone you date is a long haul runner. Don't "go through the motions" of it with Jade pretending if you just aren't feeling it. That's not being emotionally honest with yourself or partners, and it's not being authentic you. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. So don't bother "faking" things in your life.

4) Decide YOUR kid things. When you want to be having them, and if Malachite is even the one you want to be having them with.

Just cuz you married him? Doesn't mean you want children by him. Most times engaged couples sort all that out before getting married by talking and/or taking marriage classes, but from the sound of it you guys piled on a lot of changes on at once. Marriage, poly, Jade moving in, etc. Maybe didn't get to talk all that out as well as you hoped. Maybe didn't get to do classes.

So I encourage you to catch up the conversations.

And in the meanwhile? Use protection. You have enough problems without piling on the additional problems of an "Oops!" pregnancy and early childhood parenting.

One cannot help if some weird weather thing arrives like a tornado. One CAN help when they choose to TTC or TTA!

5) A crisis on Jade's part is not automatically crisis on yours.

If Jade wants to hurry up to have kids RIGHT NOW? Cuz her clock is ticking? So what? Her hurry, not yours.

If Jade decides that this difference in wants makes you and her incompatible? Or Malachite and Jade not compatible? Cuz she wants to start a family NOW and neither of you do? That's how the chips fall. Jade has to deal with it, end it with you two, and move on to find/date someone who wants the things she wants on the same time table. Again... no everyone one dates is a long haul runner. No need to get bent out of shape about that. If Jade is pressuring you? Tell her to stop. And end it with her if she keeps on pressuring you to have kids before you are ready. Nobody can MAKE you do stuff you are not ready to do.

6) End it if you are done. Don't drag out.

There is more to deep compatibility than just being up for a triad. Novelty wears off. Love alone is not enough. There must be other things -- shared values, interests, compatible living style, compatible communication style, etc.

I think basically the NRE is wearing off.

Like you want to end it.

Maybe "it" is poly triad. Because it's the easiest for couples to imagine people often go there thinking "Just like we are now, just with one more!" But the reality is that it is more like 3 v's stacked up together. It is one of the hardest models.

Maybe you decide you want to date separately from Malachite and NOT share a GF. Maybe you want to go poly date OTHER people? Explore more rather than be Open for a hot second and then Close it up again and pile on super entanglements like kids and planning retirement together?

Maybe "it" is Jade. You want to keep going with poly. Maybe even still up for triads. But not with her as a dating partner.

Or maybe "it" is ALL of poly. You tried poly and found it is not for you. You don't want to date Jade, do triads, do any kind of poly thing. And now you have to tell your partners that?

But maybe worry how Jade will react to you speaking your truth if she usually has a drama cow thing.

Or how Malachite will react to it, esp since on that side of the triangle, it may affect whether or not you can stay married to each other if he still wants poly and you do not.

Maybe you worry how being honest will affect the household, since she's still living there and its weird to live with your ex.

But worries are not a reason to AVOID honest conversation. People cannot be mind readers. The sooner it's out there, the sooner it can be sorted out.

Who knows? Maybe you will all be happier with Jade living in one space, you in another, and Malachite going back and forth and THAT style of "doing poly" is a better fit than a triad cohabitating.

But you aren't gonna get there if you are too timid about being CLEAR about where you stand TODAY.

So take a deep breath, and calmly speak your truth.

Expect the others to behave like adults. If they go all asshole on you, acting out, blame storming, whatever? Better to find out sooner rather than later that you have partners like that!

Better to discover you and Malachite actually don't work out NOW. If you split up you never have to deal with him again. Or with Jade.

Where if you put it off? Maybe even putting up with stuff you don't really want to be doing? Then kids arrive? THEN you decide you are at limit? Well, you can still end it then. But it is different then.

Even if you split up you may be stuck dealing with him forever because of shared custody, co-parenting, co-grandparenting etc.

You may have grown fond of Jade's kids and hurt if she blocks you from ever seeing them because she's mad or whatever. If he's the dad he would have some legal standing to seeing those kids. You would not.

I am hoping it all pans out... but if it doesn't?

I hope that it gets sorted now while it is "easier" than later post kids when it is "harder."

YKWIM?

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Re (from kinkylove97):
"Hi, we're a poly thruple, my husband Mike (22), me Shyanne (22), and our girlfriend Jessica (24), always looking for like minded friends. :)"
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I hope you don't mind me quoting that post from that other thread (September 27, less than two weeks ago). Based on that post, I will assume that

  • You = Shyanne = kinkylove97,
  • M = Mike = Malachite,
  • J = Jessica = Jade.
It sounds like you have two kinds of intimacy issues. One is with Mike, you're still sexually interested in him, but you don't dare to have sex with him when Jessica is around. I assume because you're afraid Jessica will get mad? like jealous or something? and the other is with Jessica, you just don't have the same level of interest in her that you used to have, like the NRE with her has worn off, and you're finding that you don't have the same feelings for her without the NRE. And maybe you're finding that you're mostly only in love with her for the idea of her being with you in a triad. Not so much in love with her herself. Am I understanding the situation correctly so far?

If so, then I would suggest that you, at least temporarily, transition from a triad into a V. Where Mike is the hinge, and you and Jessica are the legs of the V. There's no rule that says you and Jessica *have* to be sexually involved with each other, you can just be friends. Or are you afraid that suggesting that would make Jessica hurt or angry? like she would feel like you are rejecting her? or maybe you could transition into a V-sort-of-semi-triad, where you and Jessica sometimes kiss, but nothing more than that. Would that work?

It also sounds like you and Jessica have an issue around having kids. Like Jessica wants to have kids right away, like she is becoming aware of her clock ticking, while you would rather wait for awhile before having kids, and you feel that you have the right to be the one who gets pregnant first. So that would make Jessica wait even longer. And that makes Jessica feel frustrated, and it makes you wish you could go back to the beginning of how things were with you and Jessica in the beginning, back when things were more carefree, and there wasn't all this conflict revolving around when to have kids (and who should have them first). Does that sound about right?

If so, then I would suggest that you, at least for a few years, transition into living in separate domiciles. Where you live in one flat, Jessica lives in another flat, and Mike goes back and forth between the two flats. Then Jessica could have kids (with Mike) right away, and it wouldn't affect you as much because you wouldn't be living in the same place. This would also have the benefit of, you could have sex with Mike anytime he was over at your place, and you wouldn't have to worry about Jessica being around. Just an idea, does that sound doable?

And then finally, Mike and Jessica have an issue, in that, while they have a great relationship physically, the emotional part of their relationship could use some work. And you try to sit down with them and work on that emotional aspect, but that always ends with someone getting hurt or angry, or feeling like someone doesn't want to be with them, or like they're not equal. Can I ask, is it mostly Jessica that feels like she's not equal? like you and Mike have known each other longer, and you would have kids with each other before Jessica could have kids? If so, maybe you and Jessica could both get pregnant at about the same time. Would that help Jessica feel any better?

These are just some thoughts, maybe some of it will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If what Kevin is saying is correct... your girlfriend is 24. When you said that her clock was ticking, I thought maybe she was in her 40s.

Rushing to have babies when you are all that young seems excessive, to say the least!
 
Vicki82 said:
If what Kevin is saying is correct... your girlfriend is 24. When you said that her clock was ticking, I thought maybe she was in her 40s.

Rushing to have babies when you are all that young seems excessive, to say the least!
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Ahh! Finally something in my wheelhouse!

If this is true, then it has been my very personal experience that women who are looking adamantly to have children that young oftentimes have other issues going on at the same time. Whether from upbringing in cultures that expected it or from dependancy issues. My ex was more of the latter, and were it not for other medical issues I'd have been roped into fatherhood far sooner. In any case, this should probably be explored.
 
Vicki82 said:
If what Kevin is saying is correct... your girlfriend is 24. When you said that her clock was ticking, I thought maybe she was in her 40s.

Rushing to have babies when you are all that young seems excessive, to say the least!
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Woah, Kevin, good lookin' out!

3 very young South Carolinians. Reading her other posts is very enlightening.
And Shyanne said her sex life with Mike was just OK.
And Shyanne was turned on watching some lesbians kiss.
And they sought and said in February they now have the "perfect unicorn."
And Shyanne and Mike just got married last month.
And Mike wanted to break up with that perfect unicorn Jessica just before the wedding.
And Shyanne didn't want him to.
And now this.

It really pays to read previous posts sometimes.
 
SenatorBinks27 said:
If this is true, then it has been my very personal experience that women who are looking adamantly to have children that young oftentimes have other issues going on at the same time. Whether from upbringing in cultures that expected it or from dependancy issues. My ex was more of the latter, and were it not for other medical issues I'd have been roped into fatherhood far sooner. In any case, this should probably be explored.
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Yeah. Loosely translated, Jessica wants to get knocked up before OP, then she can start on the next phase of her cowgirl plan. "That's your wife, but *I'm* the mother of your child! Pick me, pick me!" She doesn't want OP getting pregnant first, that's why she doesn't want them having sex without her.

I wonder what the contraceptive situation is like. Not our business, but it is our business because OP made it our business. "Enquiring minds wanna know" etc.
 
Oh gosh, you're all 24 & 22. I assumed that the "97" in your name referred to your high school grad year--but it must be your birth year! Yipes, I am old :)

I was assuming you guys were all about 40. Nobody's biological clock should be going off urgently at age 24. Something's wrong there.
 
Here's another thread the OP started just a month or two ago where it says that the man already wants to end it with the girlfriend of 9 months:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=124921

SO long story short my fiance and i have been together for 3 years getting married next monday well we have a gf who weve been with 9 months she just quit her job for good reasons but now my fiance is telling me he wants to end it with her! im so confused everything was going fine. but apparently there have been convos of future plans and he doesnt agree with hers or she dont agree with his and now he says he doesnt feel the connection anymore? i just want them to talk before he throws it all away HELP!
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So I mean, just break up with her already. Do it before his sperm gets with her egg.
 
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Please note that Shyanne and Mike have not been married one year, but just one month. They got married September of this year. They met their shared gf in February this year. She moved in at some point soon after they met her. She already wants a kid. No one is getting along, no one can communicate without hurt feelings and fights.

Nobody should be having kids in this mess.
 
Magdlyn said:
Please note that Shyanne and Mike have not been married one year, but just one month. They got married September of this year. They met their shared gf in February this year. She moved in at some point soon after they met her. She already wants a kid. No one is getting along, no one can communicate without hurt feelings and fights.
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It's fun to watch when people can't get their own stories straight, ennit? :rolleyes: Makes you kinda have to guess what, if anything, is actually real, and what, if anything, is actually made up, don't it?
 
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ref2018 said:
It's fun to watch when people can't get their own stories straight, ennit? :rolleyes: Makes you kinda have to guess what, if anything, is actually real, and what, if anything, is actually made up, don't it?
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Yes, I do tend to be highly skeptical. I'm old. I've seen a lot. ;)
 
Kids..

I was told at 15 i would never be able to have kids of my own. I was rushed to the hospital after 6 months of what i thought was an extremely long period. I was told at the hospital i had a sever case of PCOS Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and i needed surgery to stop the bleeding. (The surgery was minimal it was like a dnc they scrap the lining of the uterus to clean out the blood and cyst? They were worried id continue to bleed because of my hormone levels so they put a birth control implant in to regulate my hormone levels. Ever since then i have been dying for a child. When i was young i was raped... and i became pregnant. i thought it was the light at the end of the very dark tunnel. But, my light faded... until at 6 month it went out... and i was in the dark again. I need my rainbow baby and want it more than anything. My In plant has been in for almost 6 years and its almost time for it to be taken out.. i want to try for a child when it does. So YES i don't want j to have a child before i even get my chance to try. M has sat up with me all night every time i wake up from reliving that terrible he holds me and tells me its gonna be okay every time one my friends has a baby or i see someone have one on TV. He has stayed by my side for 4 years knowing i may never give him the child he wants! So yes i believe we deserve first chance to try for a child. But J says that isnt fair to her...
 
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