Kevin's Hetero MFM Poly-Fi V

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
2:56 p.m., Saturday the 3rd

We're now officially moved into our new home, we have been here for a couple of days so far. I think the place is pretty nice, though I know Snowbunny has detected a number of things that need to be done to get it up to snuff. There's still going to be a lot of chaos for awhile. Early (early for me -- 8:00 a.m.) on Monday, a guy is coming over to paint. In about a month, a company is going to redo all of the flooring. There are other things we'll contract out, such as getting a new water heater. And all of this is not to mention the mountain of boxes and stuff piled up in our living room and here and there throughout the house. Things are just going to be crazy for awhile.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
4:30 p.m., Monday the 5th

So the painter is here, and has been here for most of the day. He is hoping to finish the entire house by the end of tomorrow, SB doesn't think he can do it that fast, but I hope he can. So much chaos. All the internal doors are missing their doorknobs, so when we use a bathroom, we have to rely on the "honor system" as the door can't be locked. Plus everything is in disarray. There are mountains of stuff in the middle of every room.

The flooring company turned out to be a turkey, they were going to charge way too much and then worse still, they were going to use the wrong color of flooring (not the color we ordered). So plans to redo the flooring are on hold for now.

While the painter is here, the front door is open and the pets must be cooped up. They're both handling it well, but I'll feel better when they're free to roam. This concludes my riport.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
3:16 p.m., Tuesday the 6th

Our lives are in a holding pattern as the painter continues his work. With the front door open, windows are also opened and the air conditioning is turned off. I did get more sleep this morning (as the painting in my room was done) so that's a plus.

We probably won't replace all of the flooring, which was the original plan, we'll just get the carpeting replaced. Not sure when that'll happen though. We still need to get our down payment refunded from the previous place.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
5:11 p.m., Wednesday the 7th

Thank gods, the painter did finish his work yesterday. Things are still in disarray, with mountains of stuff in each room, but at least things are creeping back towards a state of order. My clothes are back in my closet, which is a huge relief.

There will be more chaos, when we get the carpeting replaced. But that's probably at least a month away; in the meantime I can enjoy the breathing room.

One bad thing is, that there is something wrong with our air conditioning, or at least with the thermostat, so we have no cool air in here in the middle of summer. We do have ceiling fans, so that helps.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Congrats on your new home! I hope you enjoy your new location. That's a big change.

Sorry things have been chaotic for so many months, shaking up your comforting routines. At least your cat is OK, right? :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
1:55 p.m., Thursday the 8th

Yes ... I'm thankful that my cat is okay. Safe and sound. She took a day or two to warm up to the new place, but by now she seems to be pretty happy here.

We now have a new thermostat, and the air conditioning seems to be working. Just in time too, tomorrow and Saturday it's supposed to get up to 100° out there.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
1:55 p.m., Thursday the 8th

Yes ... I'm thankful that my cat is okay. Safe and sound. She took a day or two to warm up to the new place, but by now she seems to be pretty happy here.

We now have a new thermostat, and the air conditioning seems to be working. Just in time too, tomorrow and Saturday it's supposed to get up to 100° out there.
I understand it got up to 115 in the PNW, so you're used to that, right? ;)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
1:37 p.m., Friday the 9th

115° is extremely unusual in the Pacific Northwest. I don't think it ever got as high as 100° while I was living there. 90° is a more common high, and more often, it only gets up into the 80's (during the summer). We got lucky, we left Washington before it got that hot. 100° is unusually hot for Albuquerque, I'd say we normally get two or three days in the summer up to that temperature. We've had so far maybe a week or two's worth of 100° days here, but Washington was significantly hotter, and that was strange. I don't know what caused the extreme heat in Washington, but I guess we can call that one vote in favor of the validity of climate change theory.

100° is certainly hot enough.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I don't know what caused the extreme heat in Washington, but I guess we can call that one vote in favor of the validity of climate change theory.

100° is certainly hot enough.

I was in Seattle that week and it was brutal!! All of those gorgeous homes and nobody has AC because it's so rarely needed - until now. Boom.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
1:02 p.m., Sunday the 11th

90° is hot enough to convince most people in Seattle to get air conditioning ... but not all. I believe 115° is hot enough to kill. That's a serious situation.

A couple of days ago, I played (as White) another bot game versus Naycir, and miraculously won. I didn't play perfectly by any means, but apparently the Force was with me. Next up will be me playing as Black against Naycir. I've never won a game playing as Black against Naycir.

My oldest brother lives in Albuquerque and yesterday, he came over and spent the afternoon with us. It was an enjoyable visit, hopefully there'll be more of those.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
2:22 p.m., Monday the 12th

I'm extra stressed-out today, I don't know why, my bathroom is mostly put back together, and my light in my bedroom is fixed. There is still some looming chaos. Tomorrow I'll have to get up (what's) early (for me), a guy is coming over to measure our carpeting.

I'll say this: Moving to Albuquerque feels like the right thing to do, and has felt right since the prospect was first mentioned in our V. I just have my usual psychological aches and pains.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
2:05 p.m., Tuesday the 13th

It is now officially possible for me to win as Black against Naycir. Harrowing game, but I finally did it. Next up will be me playing as White against the Chess Engine at 1300. If I lose that game, I'll have to go back to playing against Naycir. Bleah!

SB decided to stop playing the Monday-nights trivia game, which for me is kind of a relief. In this time zone, it's been totally inconvenient. But when I asked her yesterday what we had decided, she was irate in her response, she thought the issue had already been settled. Then, later that afternoon, she was irate toward Brother-Husband, as he had told her to choose our new color of carpet, and then didn't like what she chose, and also he had arranged for our new washer and dryer to be delivered today without consulting her first. She said, something like, "I feel like I'm being pushed in multiple directions, but I'm not getting any help." BH was like, "But I helped with the dishes!" SB was like, "I know, but ..."

Then SB and I took Eddie on a walk. During the walk, SB raised the topic of her frustrations again, and I found myself obliged to defend us two guys, of course in the most diplomatic way possible so as to not be met with increased defensiveness on SB's part. I would say that I was somewhat successful at defusing the situation.

So today, the guy measuring our carpet, and the guys delivering the appliances, pretty much all arrived at the same time, so that was a little crazy, admittedly it was a lot for SB to have to juggle. But it's done now, and BH will install the new appliances tonight.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
5:52 p.m., Wednesday the 14th

Sometimes I think that if someone were observing our V from the outside, they would consider it an unhealthy relationship and think that it is built on false premises. We do have our dysfunctional dynamics.

One such dysfunction has come to light for me as a result of this move. We have a lot of unopened boxes, but I'm pretty sure none of those boxes contain any of my old artwork. My artwork has disappeared. I suspect that what happened is that SB decided to throw it away because she didn't like that it was taking up space, and not being used (looked at). But SB has a tendency to remember things in a way that bolsters her position in an argument or confrontation. My handmade D&D stuff (with some exquisite artwork) is also missing and when I asked her about it she said, "It got moldy." Highly unlikely. I think it got thrown away because it was taking up "too much room" (and I wasn't using it). But, that is how she remembers it, and she would not take it well if I challenged that version of events.

Ironically, BH and SB have things like tennis rackets and bowling balls that they hang onto; those things have survived the move intact. So all this stuff about "takes up too much room and we're not using it" is a little hypocritical. On the other hand, BH and SB do all the work around here, and I basically do nothing. Pretty generous on their part, though as I said, I think a lot of people would consider our arrangement codependent and dysfunctional.

I'm not devastated that I lost my old artwork. But I am bummed. Also I don't know how I would explain it to my various friends and family if they found out. It's also possible most of my music CD's got thrown out, though I'm less certain on that one.

Four words: it works for us.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
4:55 p.m., Thursday the 15th

Upon further reflection, I've realized that my early writings are probably gone as well. Among other things, I (prior to Y2K) had written two novels, and those are probably both gone. Not a happy thought, but gradually I am digesting it.

A lot of this ties into my "eternal" struggle to make peace with my mortality. Once I have passed away, it's nice to think that people will be interested in poring over my life's work, but the truth is, they'll all almost certainly be occupied with their own lives. And besides, even if someone did have the interest and time, that would not affect me as my consciousness would be completely snuffed out. There was a time when I believed in an afterlife, and I guess I am still trying to reconcile that time with the present. There is no afterlife. I've got to remember that. When I'm gone, I'm gone, and all my work is gone with me. So now, if my work is gone before I die, does that really so much matter? I have memories of what I've done, and maybe that suffices for me while I'm still alive. I hope that makes sense.

As I said I'm not exactly "okay" with losing all my past achievements before I die. But when I reflect upon my existential reality, I realize it doesn't quite matter as much as I initially think (and feel). The irony is, SB might be the one person who does want to pore over my life's work after I'm gone, and she's probably the one who threw it away. Not my problem, should that miniscule possibility come about. I'm trying to live in the now, versus dwelling on the past and its artifacts. I have a sweet deal in life right now. My time is thoroughly occupied with rewarding endeavors. I am loved, and there is considerable evidence of that. Things are not perfect, but they are good enough.

I hope this description is clear enough. As it is still kind of formulating in my mind. Perhaps I'll have more thoughts to share on it later. Who knows.

My journals are still intact. As are a few cassette tapes containing my piano creations. Of that much, I'm sure. Of the rest, anything that's been saved, will be a bonus.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
3:30 p.m., Friday the 16th

We now have a new fridge. (The old one was leaking, and the freezer kept coming open.) Eddie has been tied up in my room, so as not to escape, or disturb the delivery guys. He has been whining, but seems to be okay. Rainee has probably been confined in Eddie's cage, but she will probably be let out now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
5:20 p.m., Saturday the 17th

I now have a new computer chair, BH and SB assembled it for me today. They were also assembling a new computer desk for me, I'm not sure where they are on that. Tomorrow they are going on a road trip with an old friend, so I (with Rainee) will have the house to myself. I don't know whether they'll take Eddie.
 

Cat.!

New member
Kevin's Hetero MFM Poly-Fi V (Part 2)

[continued from above]

We had never heard of polyamory before, but LH was a web researcher and a problem-solver, and she soon found out about polyamory, and about polyfidelity which particularly interested her. Soon the plan became to forge a polyfidelitous N -- LV, me, LH, and BH. But first we had to try to present the idea to LV and BH, and wait until they were okay with the idea -- if they'd ever be okay with it.

Well LV said "We'll see," then "Okay," then "No," then "What was the question" as her mind got snipped apart by the dementia. BH, LH, and I eventually saw and agreed that we were just tormenting LV by presenting her with this confusing concept. We had all transitioned into the roles of caregivers towards her anyway and she was really operating from the perspective of a child, so we kind of just dropped the subject, removed any poly scenes from her sight and mind, and let whatever she saw and experienced become her reality.

In the meantime, BH was troubled by the prospect of polyamory, and LH approached the subject with him carefully and not too often. All told, they had a conversation about it that lasted about a year. Finally he started warming up to the idea, even coming to think of polyamory as a high ideal that he wished to support. So he agreed to try.

Our four-person family decided that we needed to move. I was down and depressed and the so-often overcast skies of Michigan (with its hot humid Summers and harsh icy Winters) were getting to me. BH's Catholic family was overbearing and BH and LH both needed to get away from that. So LH plunged into a new research project: deciding what State would suit us best. We picked a place near -- but not too near -- Utah. A place with a good economy and a low cost of living. A place that's flooded with Sunshine under a cloudless sky for most of the year. The place was New Mexico.

We lived in New Mexico for almost eight years, early 2006 thru late 2013. LV went downhill rapidly and soon overwhelmed our ability to keep up with her, so, in August of 2006, we took her to a nursing home, and started visiting her there as often as we could. This actually improved my relationship with her. She and I began to enjoy the warmth we once had, though sadly the import of that was of course lost on LV.

Meantime BH and LH -- you may call them Brother-Husband and Lady Hinge -- had joined me in a three-person V configuration. Brother-Husband and I remained platonic friends but shared the most profound thing two men can share: the woman we loved. The arrangement meant much to all three of us, but I won't pretend that it was a bed of roses. We had terrible dramatic upsets in our first few years together. I was undersexed and paranoid as well that Brother-Husband would get fed up with me and essentially veto me out of the operation. He in turn I think was concerned that the "new and shiny" (me) would replace him in Lady Hinge's eyes. And Lady Hinge, of course, felt torn between the two men that she loved among other things.

Well the short-term solution turned out to be getting me a domicile of my own for a few years. A cave if you will. A place I could retreat to when the going got tough. It took some time to make that happen, but once I had a little place of my own, things slowly started to improve. Mind you there were many more storms and upsets at first, but after a year or two, I began to realize that I was starting to feel a peace about things, and that Brother-Husband and I were growing increasingly comfortable in each other's presence. In time, I moved back in with my two V companions, and this time we found that we knew how to live together gladly and serenely.

In June of last year, LV passed away. It was a blessing. She had lost all ability to talk, hear, see, and recognize those who loved her. She was lonely and lost in a state of forever waiting, for what she could not know. She was probably waiting for me to "pick her up" and sweep her away, back into the paradisaical life she had once remembered with me. I could still visit her, but no longer could she see me, and if she could hear me I couldn't tell. It broke my heart. Losing her to the hand of Death broke my heart as well, but now I was just being selfish. I needed to let her go. She needed to be free of her sufferings.

A few months later Hinge Lady and I traveled to the sleepy little mountain town in Eastern Oregon where LV had been born and spent her early childhood years. We couldn't inter her ashes next to her Mom's grave (near San Francisco) as we'd hoped, but we got special permission from two of her old relatives to place her next to her very favorite (my favorite as well) aunt (in Oregon). She got a lovely little marker, with two small cats embracing. Appropriate since LV had kept at least one cat near her for most of her life. Her relatives place flowers on her aunt's grave every Memorial Day, and promised they'd now do so for LV too. Someday we'll return, one Memorial Day, and see that in person. But thus closes that chapter of our lives.

We then made the arrangements to move to the Seattle, Washington area, within easy reach of my favorite older brother, his wife, her daughter, and her daughter's boyfriend. By the time 2013 came to a close, we'd found a lovely little place to live in, and here we'll stay. Filled with New Mexican Sunshine, I now love the rainy days and believe it or not, Seattle does get a fair helping of Sunshine too. Temperatures are mild, and we're really happy to be here.

We've been handfasted as a V since August of 2009. We're open to the idea of growing into an N or an M or what have you, but we're not looking and we feel just fine with what we have. We limit sex to our three-person circle and won't date without keeping one another in the loop about what's up. We spend most of our evenings happily watching stuff like Dexter, Sons of Anarchy, the Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Weeds, and the Following together. Our cat and dog share this charming life with us. I've been essentially retired for quite a few years. My companions take good care of me.

This tells you the bulk of my story, but I'll gladly field any further thoughts and/or questions. I suppose my main point in posting here is to let you know that yes, polyamorous relationships can and do have happy endings. Not every time, but in this case and time for sure.
Thankyou for sharing such a heart wrenching detail of your life. Reduced me to tears. As a newbie to polyamory this warms my heart and gives me hope
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
3:38 p.m., Sunday the 18th

Thanks Cat. It has been a long and interesting journey, to get to where I am (we are) today. I still greatly miss LV, and as recently as last night, have dreams where she's still with me. Life is not perfect, but for me it is very good. Most of the time nowadays I have nothing exciting (or dramatic) to report on in this blog ... and I consider that a good thing. Poly isn't easy, at least at first, but in most cases, it is very worth it.

In yesterday's post, I forgot to mention, that I won my first bot game playing (as White) against the Chess engine at 1300. Not the most clean or satisfying win; I made some mistakes, and overlooked (on the board) an exquisite checkmate setup at the end. I had to notice it via the suggested moves list. But really, I shouldn't be so down on myself. I am still learning.

Such is the latest mercifully dull snapshot of my life. (They took Eddie.) (My new desk is complete.)
 
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