Kevin's Hetero MFM Poly-Fi V

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
2:43 p.m., Wednesday the 3rd

Gawd, that stalemate still bothers me. I have played a game or two against the computer since then, and won ... though the computer offers a lot of hints, and I take them. Basically I'm only playing maybe a quarter of the game on my own steam. On the other hand, sometimes the hints aren't entirely great. I don't know how the hints are determined. I do look at each hint, and override it if I think I have a better idea. But I'm usually wrong ...

I'm still struggling to catch up on things, to get up earlier, and sometimes even to stay up later, although usually I do better about staying up later. Not so the last couple of nights. Sigh -- sooo tired ...
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
1:06 a.m., Sunday the 14th

The longer gaps in between these blog entries, is another sign of how awful I'm doing at keeping up on things. I managed to stay up late last night, as well as tonight (right now). If I can make a habit of that ... oh gods, I'm probably jinxing myself just by saying that.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
6:29 p.m., Sunday the 21st

The forum has been very busy lately. I seem to have spread myself too thin. I've been trying to stay up late, but had mixed results. I'm way behind on Facebook, at least a week or more, it's discouraging. We'll see if I can stay up late tonight.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
12:25 a.m., Wednesday the 24th

I successfully stayed up ... that night and last night as well, and now tonight. I'm still getting up late every day, but maybe I'm finally also getting acclimated to staying up late every day. On Monday, I completely skipped logging on to the forum here, and in that way, was able to make huge strides in the Facebook area. I may never get completely caught up on Facebook, but in the wee hours of Tuesday, I got to the penultimate step of catching up, and I feel pretty good about that. I may get partially caught up on Facebook again tonight, maybe. If I could talk myself into getting up sooner (say 11:30 a.m.), that would be awesome, but I don't expect that to happen anytime soon. So I'm taking what blessings I can.

My own shortcomings (and the role they play in me getting behind) aside, I have to say that Facebook and this forum are both really super busy right now. I fancy that that might be because so many people are locked down at home with nothing to do. These virtual environments are the way people can interact with each other remotely. I'm not 100% sure of my little theory, but I'm leaning that way.

It's been like a week or two since the last time I did a Chess lesson, and since the last time I played a practice game against a computer player. If I can get caught up here (on Polyamory.com), and again mostly caught up on Facebook, then I'll get back to my Chess routines. And maybe I can even squeeze out a little book reading somewhere in there. I don't quite know how yet, but I'm feeling hopeful about it.

Longer days ... need ... longer ... days ...

A few days ago I failed to brush one day, but for the most part I'm doing adequately in that area. I need to brush so I can put in my night (bite) guard. I know that, I really do. I'm trying to do better, in multiple areas.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
9:56 p.m., Thursday the 25th

Things are going better today. I've managed to spend a bit more time away from my bed, got in a Chess lesson and a practice game versus the computer, I'm just now catching up on all of today's forum stuff, and will probably reach a satisfactory point in Facebook before I turn in. I was able to do all that yesterday, minus the Chess game/lesson. Sometimes you make resolutions, and then find out it's hard to stick to those resolutions. Someday I hope I'll start getting up at 11:30 a.m., maybe then even sooner than that, but let's not get greedy. Right now, I just want to establish that I can keep today's pattern going. So far so good, today is just one day, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
10:20 p.m., Friday the 26th

Things aren't going quite as well today, I've been extra tired. I'm still doing better though, I might get adequately caught up on Facebook again ... which I did yesterday, I even had a little time left over for about a page of reading. Not much to tell you besides that ...
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Hope you feel less overwhelmed soon, Kevin! Hang in there and keep at it. I appreciate your comments and your blog.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
4:00 p.m., Saturday the 27th

Thanks, I am doing a little better, staying up late may seem like a dysfunctional thing to do, but it's something I can do, and it allows me to keep up on things. Thank you for letting me know you like my writings, I try.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
5:32 p.m., Sunday the 28th

When playing against a computer-generated player, if I win a few games in a row, I "advance myself" to playing against a slightly stronger player. Yesterday and today, I won my first games against a 1200-point player. For me that's really pushing it, the games are starting to be too nerve-racking to be fun. The idea is that the racked nerves will pay off over time, hopefully my skill level will gradually increase and then I'll be able to take notice (in time) of more threats and opportunities, have a better grasp of the game overall, and thus have more fun even in the harder games. It would be amazing if I could grow some skill at noticing combinations -- piece sacrifices that pay off in just a few moves. I don't know if I have it in me to grow that skill, but in the back of my mind I think I might be trying. Even more amazing would be learning to recognize sacrifices for purely positional advantages. That would be a long way down the road ...

Right now my rating is 1264. I've only been playing "daily games," where both (human) players are allowed multiple days to make each move. Right now all my daily games are allowing up to five days per move. I shudder to think what it would be like to play "speed Chess," but I guess it's possible I might eventually get into that. It would be a bigger time commitment; I would have to stay stuck to my computer for the entire game. Whereas with a daily game I can (for example) sign off for the night leaving a game unfinished, and it's no big deal, I can just come back to it the next day. Digging up the time to keep up on things -- mainly Facebook, Chess, and this forum -- is a real challenge for me. I know, definitely a first world problem, let's face it I lead a cushy life, my problems are all internal. My nerves are racked most of the time, I only bother to notice *how* racked they are, from one hour to the next. Sometimes I have fun.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
3:44 p.m., Monday the 1st

There's a couple of extra things going on today. Snowbunny has a prescription to pick up at Safeway, she has invited me to go along with, and I have accepted. It's nice to get out of the house, and a bit of shopping will be involved. Earlier, at 5:15 p.m. (thru about 6:30 p.m.) on Mondays, SB's brother-in-law does a pop trivia game remotely. I participate in that mostly because I think SB wants me to. Dysfunctional but it works for me. It's not painful or anything, it just takes some time.

For the past few days, I've been keeping up on things pretty well. Hopefully that trend will continue.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
5:19 p.m., Tuesday the 2nd

Over the past few days, this forum's regular activity has been getting crowded out by porn spam. I have reported the two main offenders, but the mods/admins have been replaced by crickets. This could herald the beginning of the end for this website. I haven't volunteered to be a spaminator because my time is already at a premium. And if I did volunteer, would my voice even be heard? I doubt it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
12:53 a.m., Thursday the 4th

Yesterday and today is just an awful day, just an awful day. When I got up, I got out two garbage liners for my garbage cans, then left the room for a few minutes, I don't even remember what for. When I came back, Lady, one of the cats, who is notorious for having bad ideas, was snuggled up inside one of the bags. I had this awful picture of her suffocating, and urgently tried to shoo her out of there. At which point she shredded the bag. I was so mad, I haven't been that mad in many years. I know she meant no harm, but harm is the effect of what she did. She did a mindfuck on me. Then I ended up getting cross with SB, including raising my voice to her, a type of thing that she doesn't process well. So now I am on her shit list. And I feel like such a total, abject failure. Nothing I do seems to make the feeling go away. Every waking moment is agony, just agony. Lady couldn't have caused that much of a problem, obviously what she did somehow triggered me. I don't know what to do, I just don't know what to do.
 

kdt26417

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Staff member
Thanks opal. I felt better when I first got up today, but alas that relief was short-lived. I can't say for sure whether the way I feel now is any improvement over last night. It's not worse, how's that. I didn't get much actual sleep, it took me four to five hours to get to sleep, and then I kept waking up once or twice an hour. I don't think I had any nightmares, which is pretty good for me.

I'm trying to approach everything logically, and proceed with my normal actions/routines even though I don't feel like it. My only hope now is that this horrid feeling will recede gradually.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
12:56 a.m., Saturday the 6th

My emotional state has improved considerably, I am sleeping much better, and I'm no longer on SB's shit list. I don't know how I got triggered, I'm just glad the ordeal is mostly done and over.

Today (well technically yesterday), SB took me to have my blood drawn for routine lab work. That went well, then after that we stopped at a coffee place for frozen coffee drinks, then drove to Walmart to pick up one or two prescriptions for SB, then drove to our local Subway to pick up dinner. Then we went home and ate dinner, with Brother-Husband, then BH and I watched a couple of TV shows, then I got tired and laid down for an hour or two. The net effect of all this activity, while enjoyable, is that I got behind on my computer/internet stuff. That's why I'm posting this so late. I think I might manage to catch up tomorrow (technically later today).

I have a handheld Chess computer, and I brought that with me on our car trip and errands. It is a cool device, and fun to use. It has sixty "for fun" levels; I already won a game on Level One, so now I have started a game on Level Two. I don't get out much, so I haven't used the device much. Yet. Maybe after the Covid crisis blows over, I'll get more opportunities. It would be an awesome way to kill time while waiting at an airport or on a plane.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
4:37 p.m., Sunday the 7th

This site's porn spam problem has been solved. The spams have been deleted, the spammers have been banned. A few people have been made moderators ... so I am now technically a moderator. I don't know what I'm doing, I just know how to fix any spam problems that arise in the future. And that is good enough for me. Maybe all is not lost for this forum. I consider that to be good news.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
4:41 p.m., Monday the 8th

As per the routine on Mondays, there is a pop culture trivia game, using Facebook and Zoom, at 5:15 p.m. today ... ending about an hour and twenty minutes later. I don't know whether I'll get caught up on FetLife in time for that, but we'll see. FetLife and there are some web comics I routinely look at after that. It's going to be close.

I'm kind of more upset than I usually am, the cause is unknown. I have been getting up slightly earlier, I got up at 11:30 a.m. today.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
4:57 p.m., Tuesday the 9th

The forum's less busy than usual today, so I'm not sure why I'm posting later than I did yesterday. Maybe because I was poking around in the mod stuff? I didn't think I was doing that much, but maybe I was.

I did catch up on everything yesterday, but it was like 11:00 or 11:30 p.m. by the time I turned in. I got up at 11:45 a.m. today.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
9:54 p.m., Wednesday the 10th

Don't know why I'm running so late today. I did have a thing with SB, we did a grocery pickup at Walmart. That couldn't have taken more than an hour though.

I'll probably be up until about 1:45 a.m., and even then I don't think I'll get completely caught up like I normally would. Normally I'd be all caught up by about 10:30 p.m. or so.

It is what it is.
Unless it isn't what it is.
In which case, it is what it isn't.
Right?
 
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