Kitty's journey into all things poly

So, after looking around this site for a few days and realising loads of other people keep a little journal/blog here, i decided I'd give it a shot too. Mostly just want to write down some feelings to do with how i came to realise i wasn't strictly monogamous. I feel writing it in almost chapters of my life will work quite well. That and I don't want to overwhelm people with the giant walls of text :p
Anyone is welcome to reply to this post and add comments :)

Being poly is something that i'm not quite sure how i found out it was a thing, or how exactly i discovered it at all, but the first instance i can remember thinking about it was embarrassingly enough while playing a video game years ago.

I was playing a game with romance options and I remember wanting to romance both of the characters because individually they both had fantastic romance routes and I wanted to do both. I just put this down to i love them both as characters and wanted to romance them both. After all, its a game, i wasn't doing any harm.

There were also interactions between the two love interests that were very flirty and loving too, they obviously cared about each other, and as always when the couple i want to happen doesn't actually happen in the game, i turned to fanfiction. So i'm reading about these two characters being together and being happy, and then i stumble across a story with the main character, and both the love interests all in a poly relationship. I don't know quite how to describe what i felt when i read it. I guess i was intrigued as it was new and exciting, and i found myself trying to find anything i could with them all together as it slowly became my favourite thing to read.

In the next few years, it wasn't something I really thought about, I went from one relationship to another, just enjoying being with them, and still just enjoying reading on the side. By this time I had found more stories with more poly couples (throuples?), normally ones that were with triads who all loved each other. Looking back i think i read it as a sort of escape, a fantasy even as these always made me so happy and made me feel so right i guess. I remember really freaking out when I thought one day about that i could be anything other than monogamous.

At that time, I was dating long distance someone who was in the US. I don't really do short relationships, in fact i think my shortest has been 6 or 7 months, my average relationship has been about a year and a half to two years, I've been following this sort of dating pattern since i was honestly about 14. Obviously its matured and changed as i've gotten older, but i've rarely been single in he last 10 years of my life.

I'll admit, i always knew there was almost something missing for me. I'd be so happy and love being with that person, but it always felt like something was missing. I put it down to my mental health not being fantastic, or that fact i was a hormonal teenager and was just going through a lot of stuff.

Anyway, when i had this mini freak out to myself about possibly being poly, i brought up the subject to my partner at the time. I did it in this sort of hey i really like this pairing with these 3 characters this being poly thing is cool right. Fair to say i didn't get a very good reaction, she didn't agree at all, thought it was really weird and said she could never ever be with more than one person. It hurts more thinking back on it now, at the time i was too busy worrying she'd figured out what I'd realised about myself and just sort of agreed yeah its weird but it works for these fictional characters and i like it.

We went on for awhile being okay until i went to visit her (we only got to see each other once a year because uk-us flights are not cheap and I was a student) when i was there we had a big talk about our relationship and turns out she was having a lot of doubts, her mental health had declined significantly and she thought she couldn't commit to a relationship with me because she couldn't take care of her own needs never mind mine. The defining part of that talk was that she just sort of confronted me and went i know you're poly, you can deny it all you want but i know you are and i cant ever give you what you want.

So, we lasted a few more months after that, until it got to the point where she would ignore me for weeks on end and i couldn't handle it. we decided it was best to break it off and for her to work on herself, saying we would stay friends but nothing else until she fixed herself. To tell the truth i was done and didn't want to go back to her, she's broken my trust too much with how she would disappear and ignore me.

In the weeks leading up to our break up, I had actually found a new friend online who was incredibly kinky and poly, and oh boy did i find myself with the biggest crush on her. We both wrote about the same couple from a game and we just became really close friends through that. Before i realised it, talking to her had become part of my daily routine and yeah some feelings were definitely there. I put this down to that i was going through a rough time, i had recently broken up with someone i had been with for 2 years and the new friend was giving me lots of wonderful positive attention.

This new friend was amazing, she boosted my confidence so much, loved when i sent her selfies of myself and honestly we acted like a couple. I knew she had a long distance girlfriend herself, but was poly and said once things had settled down with her gf, she wanted to find another partner.

So from here is where i get the talk from someone who has experience with this. she's also quite a bit older than me so it was definitely like she was someone who was older and smarter, and i was just smitten with admiration more than anything for her. After chatting non-stop for a week or so, she introduces me to a chat room with a load of her friends who are surprise surprise all poly too.

At this point i'm crushing really hard on this friend, we're pretty much fwb because of all the sexting we do which does not help my feelings at all. When ever i've ever thought of poly pairings, I'd always thought of it as three people all loving each other, but with this friend I only wanted her. I'm not sure if that's because she set out this expectation that she wants to date people individually, or just because I really did want to just be with her. when it came down to it, I wasn't thinking of her partner at all as i hadn't even been introduced to her.

Anyway, Its not until i sort of confess all this that the friend basically just says that although they're poly they are not looking for another partner just now, and that i'm too young and too far away for her to even consider it. It hurt like hell, but i started trying to get over it.

I ended up getting really close to one of the guys on the chat room who is like a pro with poly stuff, like he has several partners who he see's all the time and has only had one unsuccessful relationship so far. He was definitely a lot of help, and helped me realise there are a lot of ways to be poly, and I just have to figure it out exactly what I do want on my own. That in mind, and the fact i wanted to move on and at least find one person to be with, I tried to do just that.
I signed up to a load of dating sites and put my location as where I was going to be living for being at university, and this is where Josie first appears. Funnily enough, she was my top match that popped up straight away and I just took one look at her profile and went oh hell no not another trans lesbian (the friend i was crushing on is a trans lesbian too) and just sort of left my profile alone for a while, enjoying filling it out and talking about myself, rather than messaging anyone else.

A week or so later I go on to find I have a message from Josie with this incredibly bad conversation starter, instantly knew from that alone she was just as silly and as terrible at talking to girls as I was. So we chatted, got to know each other really well and spent the next week playing games together and spending as much time as possible talking. I was still living at home at the time which is only about 160 miles or so away from where she lives, so since I really liked her (you're probably seeing a pattern here that i get attached very very easily) I made the trip to meet her and we spent the day together.

It was a lovely day and we had a lot of fun, in and out of the bedroom. After spending that time together I was due to move to near where she lived for uni in a few weeks so we just got closer and sort of waited that out. This is where our first sort of conflict over what dating and being official meant. I assumed because she wasn't actively looking for anyone else we were officially together and girlfriends and such. She explained that her definition of what we were is just dating and there was no commitment. This is when I learned I really really struggle if I'm really into someone, and don't know if they actually want to be with me or not.

So, after we 'became official' it was time for me to move closer to her which meant i got to see her more, still only like once a week but it wasn't so long distance anymore. I don't know exactly how it came up in conversation, maybe it was when she mentioned she has friends who are poly, but we both discussed it and both agreed its something we were at least interested in exploring.

The first few moths of our relationship was us focusing on us as you do, it wasn't until late december/early january that we first met someone else. It was completely by chance honestly, I got added to a discord server and i ended up just flirting with a bunch of them. One of those people was a girl called chlo who was just so sweet and cute, and of course kinky but that's just a requirement with people i'm into haha.

Anyway, I spent a few weeks chatting with Chlo, feeling closer and closer to her everyday. Josie also loved talking to her too, we ended up with a group chat and all just spending a lot of time chatting in there. With it being just after christmas we were all sort of busy with work and uni and stuff, but we knew we all wanted to meet up. It wasn't really until i was talking to josie about Chlo and she was just as enthusiastic about it that i realised how right it felt. Like i mentioned before, I've always felt like something was missing, like I had so much love to give and one person to give it to just isn't enough.

With chlo things felt so right and happy, and maybe i was a little never but i thought it would feel like that forever. Sadly, it didn't end well. Well technically it didn't end at all. One day they were chatting away all happy as can be, then the next she didn't come online for the whole day. Of course we messaged to ask if stuff was okay but didn't think that much of it. She never appeared again, only leaving behind a rather cryptic message on her blog saying something bad had happened and she never wanted it to happen again.

We still don't know to this day what ever became of her, just that she never came back. It could simply be that we scared her off, or something more sinister...sadly i think it's the latter. I'm someone who can be sad about things when they happen, but my true emotions don't catch for to until some time later. Josie isn't incredibly in touch with her emotions so she was upset but it wasn't the end of the world. Me on the other hand, it was a huge deal and It definitely still has left a bit of a mark with me.

After it was clear that she wasn't coming back, Josie and I had to sort of sit down at at least try to explain how we felt about all this. As I said josie wasn't too bothered as she wasn't as attached as I was, but we both agreed we needed some time to heal and to move on from this. and so we focused on us, and on ourselves for a few months. We had a girl who was a possibility for dating, but she was only interested in me so we quickly shot that down, plus we only talked for like a week, it wasn't a big deal. I still definitely felt i wasn't ready to be potentially hurt again.

There's probably a lot of stuff i should be telling you about me and Josie and how our relationship changed for the better and such, but i cant think of anything that significant. We just grew closer, shared i love yous and made my friends all question why i even lived in a flat with them since i spent most my time at Josie's.

Around April or May was when we met the next girl we attempted to be with, Rose.
Had a busy festive period but was sent home early from work today because had some holiday time left to take so thought i'd use some of that saved energy to write a bit more of this!

Anyway, from where we left of: Rose was a girl I met on Tumblr. I have a few different blogs, one of them being a nsfw blog and she messaged me on there with a message i can't quite remember now, but it might have possibly been about my content. I straight away saw she was a trans girl and I at this point have a real soft spots for cute trans girls so was all for at least being her friend.

Of course with my naturally flirty attitude it turned into a lot more than friends, or at least turned pretty sexual pretty quickly. She was nice and yet again when I introduced her to Josie they both got on very well.

We both really liked her, but the main thing that was putting Josie off was Rose lived in America, and we're in the UK. Now I've had 2 long terms ldr's, so like this wasn't a big deal to m at all, but Josie was really concerned about it, and later on Rose also freaked out about it quite a bit.

There's not much i can really say about her apart from our relationship was very sexual, sex was a big part of how we bonded with there being a dom/sub dynamic always very prominent with us. Like with most the girls we've been with Josie wasn't that sexual, maybe sexted once or twice but it isn't really her thing.

It lasted maybe about a month before she had a huge freak out on how we lived too far apart and things would just never work out with us all. it was nothing to do with the fact it was a poly relationship, but with the fact we were too far apart, and she had this real hang up on the fact that we met on Tumblr and we couldn't possibly build a true bond over that, i never understood that bit. So we broke up and she disappeared for a bit, i still follow her on Tumblr but she's rarely on. I still get the urge to message her and see if she's alright but it does feel a bit awkward.

If you haven't noticed by now, these haven't lasted long at all, and there isn't that long of a recovery period after them either. Like sure i feel hurt by them, in fact with Rose i spent a good hour crying over her, which Josie who takes months and months to develop feelings didn't get at all. she was mostly concerned that i could like someone so quickly, just had to keep reminding her that after like a week i wanted to meet up and fully date with her haha.

Anyway, at this point, me and Josie had moved in together. We'd been in our flat together a few weeks when i get a message on a dating site from a girl who lives in our town, which you know it always a plus. Her name was Ruby (I have a thing for R's apparently, which you're going to learn always ends in disaster)
Ruby was someone who got very invested very fast. Now, I cant pass judgement on this as i also get very attached very quickly, but the way it happened with her wasn't the same way it happens with me at all.

We had a nice enough time, having ice casual conversation about games and such, which within the first few days ended up turning sexual as it often does when i end up discussing kinks with someone (my kink dynamic is quite important to me so i like to be open about it all honestly)

she immediately took the role of dom and was really quite aggressive with it all which like was okay while just sexting but i did find myself being brought out of the scene by it and not being entirely into it. but like many things in the way of sex, i put it down to something we can correct in the long run.

kink stuff aside, i got a group chat running to encourage Josie and Ruby to chat since they both weren't the best at actually starting up conversations with the other. Now, an important thing to mention here is that me and Josie are both big gamers, her more than me, but our relationship was pretty much founded on playing games together. Honesty, its how she gets close to someone because its spending time doing something she loves and sharing that with someone makes her feel closer to them.

Our biggest problem was Ruby wasn't a huge gamer, and even though she did play some games, it was on xbox and not ps4. Straight away Josie had a lot of trouble relating to her because of that, Ruby and I shared our mutual interest in kink and sex so we were okay but Josie being a trans woman on hormones that have messed up her already low sex drive she just wasn't interested in any of that at that time.

It went on for a few weeks, Josie trying to tell me Ruby wouldn't talk to her, and Ruby telling me Josie wasn't making an effort to talk to her either. I was annoyed with them both at this point and wanted to tell them to stop being such children and just try actual talk to each other. Just when things seemed to be going okay and both of them were starting to get a bit more comfortable around each other, Ruby had a bit of a freak out about everything.

Basically, she was really distant, was just asking pretty weird and not wanting to talk to either of us, this went on for a few days until i'd had enough and just told her to tell me what the hell was going on. At this point she turns around and tells me she's insecure and worried she'll not be wanted like she was in her last poly relationship. By the sounds of it, she had a bit of a unicorn situation with the last couple she was with and has some like wild trauma with it. I tried to be understanding but it got to the point where she would be so inappropriate and rude and then when i called her out blame it on her trauma which was not cool at all.

I'm normally a very patient and forgiving person so i did forgive her and try to move past this, but Josie had already seen how upset Ruby had made me, ans honestly when Josie gets a grudge against someone its hard for her to let go, and hurting me will make her have one hell of a grudge against you. So Josie already was really pissed off at her, being civil but not exactly in the best of moods, and although we both tried to help Ruby was still being really weird about stuff and being very hot and cold about it all until it got to the point where Josie told me she didn't want to continue and she wanted me to break it off with Ruby.

Normally, if she's ever had an issue and really wanted to break up with someone before, i'd tell her to talk to them and do it as i won't do it for her, but we'd ended up talking about breaking it off because i was just so overwhelmed and so fed up of Ruby's behavior.

So I broke it off, or at least tried to, i didn't want to hurt her, to put her off poly relationships any further so i tried to do it gently, which sadly she took as me being interested still even if Josie wasn't. It took a few days of her begging and saying she'll change before she eventually stopped contacting me.

It was honestly a huge headache with her and her final words to me were that i should never do what i'd done to her to any girl again as i was heartless and all sorts of stuff like that. Thinking back on it, we really shouldn't have pursued it from the start. With her past trauma, and her 'gold star lesbian' status, so she was super unsure about sex with Josie, we should have just said no thank you and kept looking. But really, at least we sort of learned what definitely not to do and what to avoid.

After Ruby, we definitely agreed we need time to just get used to living together and be us as a couple without trying to date anyone else. Our next person didn't come along until about October 2018, another R, Roxy.
I'm a little confused. Why did Ruby and Josie have to be friends and interact with each other if they didn't want to? And this is all online anyway, right?
I'm a little confused. Why did Ruby and Josie have to be friends and interact with each other if they didn't want to? And this is all online anyway, right?

Our idea of being poly (which i know many people on here will disagree with) is all dating together in a triad where we all love each other. Maybe that isn't practical, and honestly i've only really started to see how making it work any other way could work for us, but just now we are trying with us all being together. I've brought up the idea of us just dating separate people, but josie was very uncomfortable with the idea as she feels it would mean she was 'competing' with people constantly, it just isn't healthy for us if she has that mind set, so we're trying it in a way we're all comfortable with.

Anyway, Back to Roxy and how that went. We actually met Roxy on tumblr and through chatting a bit realised she lived about an hour away from us. We all quickly became friends and video chatted while playing games and such to get to know each other. There was a point were Josie and Roxy were chatting excitedly about pokemeon and i was just sat there watching them both getting so excited talking about something they really loved. The only way i can really describe it is it just felt right and i just became so hopefully this could work out between us.

We met up not that long after, her coming to our house to spend the evening and stay over. As always, we had our kinky dynamic going on so our night pretty much went we all went out for dinner, had a nice time then when we were home had a bit of scene play witch involved us all. it wasn't anything too hardcore, and Josie just sort of stayed on the sidelines as she didn't really feel up to having sex that night, but was happy to help a bit.

Roxy was very unsure about being with Josie as she's only been with cis girls (she's trans herself) so she mostly stuck to doing stuff with me which was fine with us all. We all had a nice time seemed to all has this wonderful chemistry and it as lovely to see someone who Josie could just chat to about everything.

Sadly, this didn't last that long. Roxy was at uni doing a masters so was very very busy, or so she said anyway. she became quite distant, saying she was just busy was stuff until she admitted she wasn't busy she just thought we were both being a bit much. we had a big talk about it and apparently i was too intense for her. so we decided to try take bit slower, try not 'commit' as much as we had, which to me didn't sit right at all but i tried it for her.

after a few more weeks not much had changed and we needed to have another big talk about it all. At this point Roxy turns round to us and says that she never actually wanted a poly relationship with us at all and she didn't mean to lead us on, which was the most confusing thing ever. early on we'd discussed what we thought it meant to be poly and her ideals were identical to ours, maybe i looked into that a bit much, but honestly i'm still confused about it.

It was definitely strange that she'd spent weeks having sex with me and acting as if we were in a relationship to then turn around and say she wasn't at all interested. I was more angry than upset, realising i'd been used by someone who didn't actually care about me. It was sort of at that point where i decided to just say fuck it and not care anymore. I wasn't going to waste time and energy on someone who couldn't make up their mind what they wanted. Josie and Roxy stayed friends for a week or so but soon they stopped talking too. And that brings us up to date really, I may be skipping over this quite fast but those are the most relevant points.

Now with Ash, according to her she messaged me on okcupid a few weeks before i actually saw the message and replied. It was the 21st November that i actually logged on for the first time in a few weeks and saw i had a message from her. I'd been out with from friends for my birthday (I always tell Ash her messaging was the best birthday present i could get :p haha) and when we were back in the flat hanging out i remembered i had messaged a girl on the site a few weeks ago about something and wanted to check. And so logged on and saw i had a message from Ash which basically had a very similar message to what Josie had said to me the first time when we met on there, knew immediately this was someone I at least wanted to chat to.

These entries aren't as long as i'd like them to be, but finding the motivation and energy to write is hard will add to this when i can.
So, after seeing Ash's first message to me I didn't actually reply straight away. i was with friends and having fun so just sort of pushed it aside and figured if i really wanted to i'd reply later. Well, hours after friends had left and Josie and I had actually gone to bed i couldn't sleep, and so decided to get up and go reply to that message. It was like 2am at this point so i wasn't terribly disappointed when i didn't get a message back straight away.

The next morning i was pretty happy to see i have a message back from her, and quickly downloaded the okcupid app to my phone so i could still message when away from my laptop. Josie always has the app installed as she has a high end phone with loads of space so she doesn't have to deleted apps like i do, so when i mentioned Ash has messaged me back she was eager to also talk to her and so she did. So Ash at this point has us both messaging her separately, us all just having a nice chat about our separate subjects.

It wasn't until about an hour or so in that she even realised we were together, she thought shed finally lucked out and she had to cute girls chatting to her at the same time haha. Now, the funny thing here is i took everything she was saying as her like making a move, and it wasn't even until recently that she told me she wasn't even trying to flirt or make a move, she really was just interested in being friends at least and just chatting about how it feels to be poly as this is her first poly relationship and she didn't know if what she was feeling was that she's poly or something else.

We all chatted non stop for the next couple of days, realising we all were very much into the same sort of stuff. Tuns out Josie and Ash both do the exact same job just at different restaurants so they had, and sill do have lots of fun discussing the stuff that comes with that line of work. Very quickly i found myself feeling that same feeling i felt with Roxy where i was seeming Ash and Josie chatting and it just feeling right and like it was meant to be this way. They were both so happy, and that in turn made me incredibly happy too.

It didn't take long for us to meet up after that and for our first date we went and got breakfast and this cute little cafe place which served loads of different teas which was cool for them both because the both love tea. I don;t like tea or coffee so i just suck to a good old hot chocolate which was still nice enough. Like any first date it was great to just chat and get to know each other a bit more, and of course getting to hold both their hands while walking around was great too.

When we'd met up with people before, they'd mostly chatted to Josie but the psychical attention was on me, so it was nice to have someone who was obviously as into both of us equally. After our breakfast we walked around town doing a bit of shopping and such, and after that headed back to my pace for an indoor picnic since it was pretty cold out. It basically just consisted of some snacks laid out on the table while we just sort of sat around and chatted.

Now, this thing about Josie is she's ace but not entirely sex repulsed, but she can feel touch repulsed and her sex drive is very very low which has always been a point of friction in our relationship since mine is honestly a bit abnormally high. That day she was fine with holding hands for a bit but it seemed to get a bit worse when we got home so she tried to make the best of it, set her boundaries with us and do her own thing while she still chatted a bit. It got to the point where she had out on this game to show Ash and sort of just got stuck in playing that leaving Ash and I to do our own thing. Yet again, this isn't unusual, she does that a lot of the time when its just me and her.

Anyway, one thing led to another and Ash and I ended up in the bedroom. It was nice, there was definitely a bit of awkwardness surrounding it as she hadn't talked loads on sex, and the fact sex with trans girls is often a bit more difficult because of dysphoria and all that. but over all we had fun, she was reeling over the fact she sort of accidentally had sex on the first date, i wasn't really that bothered since i've absolutely done it before, oops.

After sending a nice day together Ash went home and life continued as it did. I'd mentioned how being with both of them just felt really right and comfortable and Josie didn't really say much, but yet again that's nothing out of the ordinary for her.

The next day was when things kicked off. I was at work and when on my break checked my phone and found a message from Josie freaking out that she wasn't poly at all and we needed to break it off with Ash immediately. I'm of course upset, sort of annoyed she's having this freak out now, and couldn't pf had it many relationships ago when we were with someone who wasn't as good as Ash is.

I'm feeling pretty down about it all and we talk about it when i get home. Josie only really says that she hated seeing me with Ash and felt like i was being stolen away from her. Had to remind her that I definitely wasn't and that Ash was dating her too.

This continued for the next few days, us unsure of what to d and i basically just told Josie think on it about, as she had had a similar freak out with me where she tried to break up with me about the same time a year before because she felt being with me was taking away her independence (we were talking about moving it together, it set her off). Anyway, in this time i talked to my one friend who is really successfully poly about it all and he basically just said that its unfair for Josie to demand this, but if i want to stay with her and be mono my whole life that was my choice. That made me feel even more conflicted honestly.

After a few days Josie says it was just a big freak out because things were changing so fast and she still wants to try this. We had a big talk about everything and it turns out there were and are quite a few issues in our relationship we have to work through. So things still go fine with Ash, in fact i tell her about Josie's freak out because i want things to be open and honest between us all and she doesn't freak out or anything. It was a weird moment then because i sort of realised i've been with Josie for so long that i was expecting Ash to have the same reactions.

Ash and I have both had problems trying to see everyone as separate people as her and Josie are sort of similar, and of course me and Josie seem similar since we were together and she's just sort of walked into this. josie seems to be the only one that hasn't majorly struggled with this, but that's because me and Ash are very very different i guess. Not in a bad way of course, just i'm bubbly and like bright colours and listen to pop, and Ash is never seen in anything which is black and punky and listens to punk and metal, very different personalities and looks.

So things were gong good until the whole we're only dating this isn't commitment thing sprung up on me. I was quite upset about it all, ultimately because we all realised the decision for it to be more fell on Josie since she was the one who was unsure about all this. Well imagine my surprise to coming home from work really bummed out about this to find Josie just smiling at me telling me to come see what Ash had just said in their chat. So yeah, turns out somehow Josie and I without talking about this at all had been on the same page and she had asked Ash to be our girlfriend and be fully committed to us. I instantly felt guilty and told her she didn't have to do that for me to which she was confused because it hadn't bee for me at all, she just said she wanted it to happen it just felt right.

So yeah, 4th of December marks us all getting together officially. We've had several dates since then, i might go into them a bit but the big main next event was Christmas that i'll definitely write about next time :)
Well, i just wrote a whole load then accidentally refreshed the page, so excuse if this bit seems a bit rushed now.

Main things i wanna talk about in this entry are some issues and just things I've noticed in the nearly 2 months (Monday marks 2 months) of being in a poly relationship.

First of all, dates and how we structure them have been a sort of big issue with us. Josie has had trouble knowing how to deal with Ash and I being on dates and staying the night together without her being involved. Josie has ADHD and several mental illnesses which means she hyper focuses on me, and its been incredibly hard for her to learn to try deal with me not being there 100% of the time. She works on night shifts several times i week so i get at least one night completely to myself a week, where as she never gets that so inst used to be not being there, which honestly i don't think is the healthiest.

When we started this i made it clear that i wanted her to have nights to herself as if she ever wants to get better and not completely be hyper focused on em 24/7 she needs time to herself.

Josie didn't deal well with dates that Ash and i went on, or dates with just her and Ash. She said she felt i was missing and although she enjoyed it and loves spending time with Ash it didn't feel right em not being there. So as a compromise we made a rule of only having dates the 3 of us for awhile, just so we can explore what everyone is comfortable with.

It was only a few weeks ago that Josie and Ash sort of accidentally ended up going on a date together, and since then they'd started going to see films at the cinema together a decent amount. Josie hasn't really complained about these and in fact says she's really enjoying her time with Ash as i really don't like films that much and Ash does, so its become their thing to do which is nice.

Jealously isn't something which we've properly encountered yet. The only instance of it really hitting badly was last week when all 3 of us had a date and because of work i was able to stay the night at Ash's and Josie couldn't and she completely forgot about these plans until we had to catch another bus and she was really upset at us. Obviously once she calmed down and realised it was just because she'd forgotten everything she felt better but that has been the only case were we've had a major issue with it. There have been times where I've been slightly jealous, but only because of the fact i work a good 20 hours more than both of them most weeks and so they have time for dates and i only get to spend like an evening with them and get not exactly jealous, but feel a bit hard done by, but that's my own personal issue that's a bit silly honestly.

Something which has been getting Josie down quite a lot is sex, well maybe not down, but at least making her feel quite insecure. To set the scene here: Josie is an ace trans girl, and HRT has shrunk her very low to start with sex drive to pretty much non existent. Whole Ash is a trans girl who although HRT has also reduced her sex drive she still has quite a big one. Then there's me, cis girl who has such a huge sex drive its caused a load of problems in pretty much all my relationships.

Anyway, Josie sort of jokingly the other week asked if me and Ash have sex every time we see each other, which the honest answer to that is if we're not in public then yeah we do. She seemed really surprised by this and started to worry about it. She's always a bit insecure that out sex drive difference is going to drive us apart and this worried her more obviously.

We all sat down and talked about this which was a really good thing honestly. Ash gave us the talk on we all have different wants and needs and this relationship gives us the perfect opportunity to explore them. Previously Josie had been really worried about getting intimate with Ash because she was worried she wouldn't match up to her sex drive, which Ash pretty much eased her fears by saying she would like sex yeah, but if Josie isn't up to it that's fine, and if she really wanted it she knows I'm pretty much always up for it. Which honestly in its own way really eased my own fears as for a long time I've had a trouble liking myself because of how high my sex drive is and how I've always felt bad for wanting sex because my partners haven't been as into it as i am.

Ash basically said that she can take or leave sex. Like there will be occasions where she really wants it, but most the time she's indifferent. She made a point of saying although she's indifferent she knows i like sex and loves my reactions so she really likes sex with me for how into it i am, which honestly felt really nice to hear.

Josie shared that she only really is into sex when its things being done to her when she wants it and doesn't feel anything from her partners pleasure she just doesn't find that exciting at all, which in the past made me feel really shtity about myself, until i realised its literally just because she's ace. Ash seemed to take it okay, although she's so sweet and supportive i don't think she could have taken it any other way.

Onto some really nice cute things:

The first 'I love yous' happened. I may have jumped the gun a bit and said it after sex with Ash, she didn't freak out but made it very clear she couldn't say it back, said i understood and i didn't really mean it yet, just an in the moment thing. A few weeks later Ash and I were lying in bed going to sleep just cuddling. She was tired, just sort of tiredly mumbling to me and it was cute. Just sort of said it to her and she said it back and i had this huge grin on my face. it woke her up a bit and she like just looked into my eyes and said it again and oh my gosh it was so exciting and nice!

I felt a bit hesitant telling Josie in case she felt a bit weird since it takes her a long time to develop feelings, a lot lot longer than me. Funnily enough, i didn't have to make a big thing out of it really.

Last Monday we started a DnD campaign together, and like DnD is a really really big thing to Ash, like she really loves it. I'm very very new to it, and Josie is also quite into it like Ash. Anyway, Ash had been feeling really strong feelings about Josie also and seeing Josie DM and partake so much in something she really loves sort of tipped it and she had this big confession then about how into Josie she really is.

Sadly at the time, Josie was playing a game that had come out recently so was more focused on the game that anything else. I was sort of teasing her about it a few nights in bed "I can' believe you had a girl confessing to you and you were more bothered about the game" she was sorting of joking along with me and then we sorted of quietened down and just cuddled a bit. i felt a bit nervous but just decided to go for it and was like hey she loves us, to which Josie replied with yeah she said. Kinda felt she was taking it well so went into how the first i love you happened, Josie didn't say much but she was also half falling asleep. Amazingly, no freak out happened.

There then came the wonderful moment I was cuddling with them both the other day and just telling them individually i loved them, neither had much of a reaction but to smile which yeah so far seems pretty good. Watching Ash being all nervous and telling Josie she really really likes her is great fun to watch. it makes me so happy and amused honestly. it's adorable and I just feel so good about it all just now.

Don't think i have anything more to talk about really, if i do, it'll be in the next one :)
Well, quite literally a day or so after i updated this last, I love you's sort of happened between Ash and Josie. Ash did Josie a favour and Josie sort of just gushed it out and Ash went to tease her about it and Josie just full on went yup I know i said it. Cue Ash having a good old gay panic and screenshotting it and messaging me like holy shit this just happened ah! I was surprised that's for sure, but it didn't stir any like real deep emotions about it. I just sort of smiled and thought it was cute, although i was at work about to come off my break so i didn't really have time to process it anymore than that.

I say it was a sort of first time saying it as it was just online, and we all know its a hell of a lot easier to type something than it is to say it out loud to the person. Josie has been super busy and had to take a trip away for a surgery consolation so her and Ash haven't had time to see each other in person this week, so so far it hasn't been said in person.

With her being away for a few days, i took the opportunity to stay at Ash's place Monday and Tuesday night. We had a bit of a stressful time with tensions high due to loss of job stresses on Ash's behalf, and her getting her medication since her doctors were messing her about a bit. I sort of went into protective mum mode and just made the mental list of how to sort the situation and we ended up taking like 6 buses that day going all other town to try get things sorted out for her. The medication thing we got all sorted, job thing we're still trying to work on.

Anyway, after all that mess was sorted, we spent the day together at the local arcade (I love ddr machines and noticed it had one so really wanted to go) sadly most the things we wanted to really go on either were broken or had been removed, but we had a drink and played a game of pool so it wasn't totally wasted. Ash also won me a load of tickets and although it literally only got us some sweets, it was nice and cute. I felt like I was in some cheesy film where they go to the arcade and the girl gets stuff won for her haha.

After our time there we went to a Chinese buffet to celebrate Chinese new year a bit early (It was totally just an excuse to go to the buffet) While we were having our meal Josie messaged us about all the details to do with her surgery and i got this huge spike of anxiety and sort of went into overdrive overthinking and making my head a huge mess. Ash tried to reassure me my fears were valid and its okay to be scared and uncertain around this sort of thing. I still feel bad that i made dinner kinda awkward, and feel bad for being selfish and worrying about how I'm going to deal with the whole situation (She's going to be housebound for 3 weeks, and out of work for 10. I have a lot of anxiety about the financial situation that will put us in)

Anyway, nothing that eventful has happened since then. Wednesday i came home after work to see Josie and caught up with her. We've all been pretty busy with work so not really had much time to talk, well i haven't anyway, Ash and Josie had had a bit more and there was a moment i was worried i was feeling jealous again about them talking, but then just figured out I'm jealous they actually have the down time to talk.

We have plans to spend next Friday all together as we cant spend actual valentines day together. I'm gonna try cook us all dinner (I'm not the most confident in the kitchen, they're both chefs, you can see why i'm a tiny bit worried about this haha)

Ash made last minute plans to hopefully see us both after work today but it looks like it might only be me who can make it. Either way, it will be nice to see her to tide us over until i get to see her next.

I'll tell you all about how much of a disaster my valentines day dinner is in the next entry :p
Well our valentines day plans weren't exactly ruined, but a bit dampened by the fact i've been horrendously ill.

I'll start up where i left off. Last sunday we did all manage to see each other. I met Ash after work and we had a cute coffee date (Our first ever one! her and josie have had loads and loads, but i normally only have enough time to see her when she stays over and such) After she sat and chatted for awhile we headed towards Josie's work so we could all go grab dinner together somewhere. Luckily josie gets 25% discount at her work when off shift so we absolutely took advantage of that :p

We had a nice time catching up, it was mostly them too nerding out about stuff, but that was nice enough to see honestly. I love watching them both talk so passionately about stuff, even if it does mean i get left out the conversation for awhile, seeing them both happy really does make me happy.

Fast forward to wednesday night and this cold/flu thing hits me like a ton of bricks. I'd felt a bit weird at work all day then yeah fever and general grossness ensued. Thursday I was worse of course, pretty delirious honestly and then i cried because i didn't want to be ill for our valentines day plans haha. Ash came over about 10pm and we all exchanged presents, I got a lot of fancy chocolate from them both which i am happily devouring now.

Actual valentines day plans sadly started with us going out for breakfast, me hating the food because i could only taste the salt in it then needing to go home for a nap because i was so out of it. I slept for like 4 hours and felt bad for sleeping the day away, then spent some time with them both before Ash and I went to the bedroom for some alone time (even when ill my sex drive is through the roof haha)

After a tumble around with her we all cuddles for a bit and i got started on dinner. Amazingly it turned out pretty okay and i was really proud of it because it tasted nice! I lit some candles and got these cute valentines day crackers so we all had a lovely meal then pulled the crackers which was a bit of added fun.

Sadly Ash had to go soon after as she was working her last shift at work which was a long 12 hour shift so she couldn't stay over again. Josie and I just sort of chilled for the remainder of the evening after she left.

The next two days i stayed off work and just tried to stay warm in the house. Ash had her last shift at work Saturday, and then got a job at Josie's work on Sunday! She doesn't start until next week but i'm really excited for her, glad things have worked out, and that my girls get to work together...although think they're just gonna get kinda stressy at each other honestly.

Yesterday Ash was having a pretty bad mental health day so I took her out for dinner and drinks and she seemed a lot better when in my company. We went to a punky pizza place that was cool (Ash is a super punk so she fit right in) the staff were all really friendly and great, all in all a pretty great meal. We then had a few drinks in a nearby bar and Ash ended up coming home with me, that was fun as always :p

And that's all that's really happened this last week.
Don't really have a huge update, but have just done my usual lurking on the forum so thought i might as well post a little update.

I've been on 8-5's this week which means i wake up early and stay up late to spend time with Josie normally, so i'm rather exhausted honestly. This past week has taken a lot out of me as we've had a lot of changes and uncertainty at work, but i think things are gonna be alright. I have a friend at work who i absolutely adore, she's the one co-worker who makes my job bearable and we've all been switched teams so we cant sit together now. sort of did a screw you management moment and went to sit with her still though so that was nice.

sadly moving to sit by her means sitting next to a very very annoying guy at work who just chats constantly and doesn't get the hint of when to shut up, luckily he's off for the next week so we should get some piece and quiet. I guess i was over reacting a bit with feeling so upset about not getting to sit with my friend, but she just gets me...i mean i absolutely have the biggest crush on her so that might have something to do with it as well haha.

Anyway, it was a pretty uneventful week until Thursday when we all went to Ash's house for our D&D game session (Josie's campaign she's DMing). I was pretty tired from work but i still enjoyed myself. Both Josie and I stayed over at Ash's that night and got to cuddle in her nice king size bed. Sadly i had to yet again get up early to go to work, but i also go to cuddle her cats as well so that made my Friday slightly more bearable.

After work on Friday i had another D&D game to go to that was being run by Ash. She was doing a one shot at the local comic/nerd shop and although i was terrified playing a new character with strangers, it was actually really good fun, in fact I enjoyed it a lot more than the session we'd had the previous night (but just don't tell josie that :p) I thought i was gonna be a nervous wreck and hate it but yeah it was good fun and the people we were playing with had some great characters, and Josie's character i was really impressed by and spent the whole evening afterwards complimenting her on it haha.

On Saturday me and my friend from work went out for dinner after work. we'd been trying to make plans for weeks to go to this chinese buffet Ash had taken me to but our plans kept falling through so FINALLY we managed to go on saturday there. It was nice to just chat to her and completely stuff myself so full off food i wasn't sure i could walk to get the bus home :p Since all my friends are back home, i have felt a tiny bit isolated, but playing D&D, and making friends at work is making me feel more and more comfortable here, which is nice.

Today has been my first day off in a week and i planned to just spend it in the house relaxing. Instead I ended up going out to dinner with Ash and Tee (Ash's ex of 6 years and best friend. They're absolutely lovely so although i am a tiny bit jealous of them, i don't let it get to me really) Had a nice evening with them both just chatting about everything and having a lovely Sunday dinner.

The plan for tomorrow is Ash is going to come over to discuss D&D stuff with us (Josie and I are both making characters for Ash's campaign just now and we all need to chat about stuff to do with it) so I'm excited for a nice nerdy chat, and of course to get to cuddle with both my girls. Oh, and I have the day off which is extra extra nice!

I know this update may seem very nerdy and about D&D but its a hyper focus point for Josie, and a real important interest for Ash and they both love talking about it, so I'm trying my hardest to get as involved with it as i can, and honestly i am really enjoying it and enjoying the fact i can join in their nerdy conversations, or at least understand it more when they both go on a big chat about it all. I've always felt sot of an outsider never having a real common interest with anyone, so this feels great actually getting to feel so involved, and with it being with my 2 favourite people makes it even better <3
Well, its been a week since i last wrote this so thought i better do a little update. I'm enjoying doing little weekly updates honestly, even if they aren't the most interesting things ever its nice to have somewhere to write it all.

Anyway, Ash came over Monday to chat about D&D stuff as planned...and then ended up staying for the entire day and night. She hasn't had a Switch to play the newest Zelda game on so she's been playing it a bit when she's been here and spent a good like 7 hours on it here which would be fine and nice if we had a big enough couch for us all to fit on and cuddle while we do our own thing, but sadly we don't.

I'm used to having some form of contact and like its really important for me to be even casually touching if we're all doing our own thing, just so i don't feel totally alone and isolated, so yeah with Ash concentrating on her game and Josie sitting across the the room as its the only other place to sit i struggled a bit because i couldn't really be close, or at least have a little cuddle with either of them and it stressed me out a bit honestly. I'm all for us doing our own thing, i just want some affirmation that I'm still wanted and loved every so often.

Since I'd been up early and had quite a busy day running about getting things done before Ash came over I was really tired by about 11pm and went to bed to at least have a bit of a nap. What ended up happening was i think i possibly slept a bit but was awoken by this overwhelming anxiety to do with the fact i have given Josie a kiss goodnight before bed but hadn't given Ash one and for some reason in my tired state this was the most upsetting thing ever and i had it in my head if i went to sleep she might be gone in the morning and i wouldn't get to kiss her. Silly I know, but this was like a HUGE thing to me apparently. Hormones got me fucked up apparently haha.

So I get up and Josie immediately senses my mood and offers to give me a cuddle to help me get to sleep. I give Ash her kiss goodnight and start to calm down and feel better, but can't get back to sleep for some reason.

Now, in all the times we've stayed over together, Ash and Josie havn't actually got to sleep in the same bed just the two of them, and I was really adamant that they should do that, as since our bed isn't big enough for the three of us (Having a small double SUCKS!) Ash and I always sort of end up in one bed and Josie in the other.

Sadly, that yet again didn't happen as Ash came through to see me, we ended up chatting for a bit while Josie got up and did her own thing. We ended up falling asleep and before I knew it, oops it was morning and they still haden't slept in the same bed! We all had to leave early for work and other stuff, Josie and Ash having a little mini date in town where Josie bought Ash that Zelda game for the Switch Ash had just bought herself for christmas.

Just want to point out now, Ash ran out of her medication so has been incredibly depressed and not her usual self this week, and buying the zelda game has given her something to focus on besides the fact she feels shit without her medication. So although she's been playing it for like 10 hours straight and we're not hearing from her for like half the day, I guess its sort of a good thing for her.

Work for the rest of the work went okay, was on 12-9's which are soul destroying shifts, but my friend was in till 7 everyday with me so it wasn't the worst only having to suffer myself for 2 hours each day.

On Friday It was Ash's first day at her new job, and Josie was supposed to be off but ended up covering for a friend so they did the same shift together. I had some left over holiday so used that to finish at 6 instead of 9, and imagine my surprise to come home and find both my girls here. We all had dinner together and before we knew it it was like 8pm so Ash just sort of stayed over again.

I know its still early days for us, but I really enjoy Ash being here with us and have loved getting to spend time with her more than once a week these last few weeks. Yesterday Josie started work at 10am, so Ash and I spent the morning together then went out for lunch. We had a nice time, i'm liking getting to have nice little dates with her, i'm finally catching up so we've all had about an equal amount of dates with each other haha.

Ash went home and i did a few errands, and then Josie got home and we just chilled out and played video games and stuff for the rest of the day. All in all, a pretty good, chill day.

Today is housework day which i'm not looking forward too, but oh well. My friend is coming into town for a gig, so he's staying with us for the night. We're picking him up about 6pm then i guess just hanging out for the evening, no clue what we're gonna do really. but it will be great to see him.
Well, picking up from where I left off last time. We picked up my friend and had diner together. After that we all just sort of ended up doing our own thing but just in the same room which honestly was sort of nice. I stayed up wayyyyyyy too late with him and Josie and only got like 5 hours sleep for work the next day, oops.

The next day friend was at his gig and got home late. Josie was already in bed when he got in and I also had to go to bed to get a decent sleep, so we only got to hang out with him for a little bit before we both headed to bed. Due to work, I didn't get to see him off when he left, but we had a nice time together in the time we did see him.

Work was boring as hell. They've done a seating plan so I can't sit next to people who i get on with so my days have become very long and boring. Luckily i had Thursday and Friday off to break up the week a bit. It also helps that i got to see Ash on Thursday :p

Since her and Josie are working at the same place now, they both came back here after work. Josie wasn't tired as she is pretty used to the strenuous work of the job and so wanted to stay up and play video games. Ash was tired and needed to lie down for a bit, so I went to her to check she was alright. of course that ended up with us cuddling and some other things which she apparently wasn't too tired for.

She was supposed to go home on Friday so she could wash her uniforms and stuff, instead she ended up staying here and going shopping with us. It was a little strange to have her there as obviously it was food shopping for me and Josie. She didn't seem to mind too much and just bought a load if food for herself. It did feel a bit weird as like i desperately want her to live with us, but i understand it is way too soon for that.

Anyway, spending time with her on Friday was nice. We did these silly couples question things where we learned we actually do know quite a bit about each other. It was good fun which was sadly interrupted by Ash having to go to work.

Things have been a bit tense between us all recently, and getting to spend the day with both my girls definitely helped that. After Ash left Josie and I went on a date night ourselves to a place Ash had taken me a few weeks before. Josie kinda confessed she's missed date nights with just me, i wasn't really surprised, just felt a tiny bit confused as well we live together and see each other all the time. the only reason we have dates with Ash is t see her, guess i don't really see dates the same way as she does, but still our dinner together was really nice.

Tomorrow we're all going on an exciting little holiday for us all. Ash is going for her second opinion appointment (trans stuff) and after she's done with that we're going to my home town to stay with my mum for a few days. I haven't been there for about a year so its time i went back.

So yup, this next week should be good fun, I'll update you about it next week!
It's been awhile but not really had the energy to post here. Hope i don't miss any details as i sort of feel like a lot has happened but also not a lot has happened since my last post.

So, we all traveled back to my home town for a few days so we could meet some of my friends and such. The original reason was going to somewhere nearby for Ash's second opinion appointment, and since we were nearby just thought it would be nice to go home since i haven't in like a year.

Leading up to traveling to go to this appointment with Ash, i felt really sick and unable to eat. I put it down to my stomach acting up as it usually does but then sort of realised while we were waiting in the waiting room that it might be a combination of stress and nerves as the feeling really spiked and i felt mildly panicked but then i started to feel better. That was a weird one to experience as i'd always put my stomach being a pain as a genetic thing from my mum but it could literally just be stress after all, who knows.

Anyway, after her appointment we did a bit of city shopping then caught a train back to my home town. My mum was very eager to see us as usual and then proceeded to act like a lost puppy following me around everywhere. Like, i love my mum, I rally do, but i found myself about annoyed at her honestly. I think it was mostly because i was a bit overwhelmed because she wanted my attention but i also had both my girls there and i wanted to give them all my attention. It was in a bit of a weird headspace to but it didn't make the visit that much worse or anything.

While we were there we met up with a few of my friends to catch up, and for Ash to meet them as Josie has already met them. Ash originally felt really anxious about meeting them and said she didn't want to, but she seemed aright. She was a bit quiet but joined in conversation at least so I can't complain. In fact, one friend brought her boyfriend along and i literally heard him say one thing the entire time then he spent the rest of it just on his phone, so at least Ash did better than him haha.

I bought a new memorial thing for my dad's grave and so we all went to visit that. I always have conflicting thoughts on how t feel about taking people to the grave. On one hand, that's the closest they're ever gonna be to meeting my dad and i feel its like an important thing i want to happen, but then on the other it feels really awkward and i feel bad for putting them in that position. They both just stood back and watched as my mum and I tended to the grave and tidied up a bit, it didn't feel like incredibly awkward but i still felt i have to a apologise from bringing them along. Think its always gonna be an awkward one honestly.

One thing Ash really wanted to see (and to be fair both me and Josie wanted to see it too) was captain marvel. Not really into much Marvel stuff as i find it sort of too edgy and just soooooo marketed towards guys that it puts me off. But i really enjoyed seeing it honestly, was so nice to have a female main character and Goose the cat is my favourite cat ever now! We went to a small local cinema with all couches instead of seats. Sadly the couch wasn't much bigger than our one back home so we were all a bit squished throughout it, but i didn't mind too much.

And that concludes the visit really. On our day of traveling home Ash came back to ours to chill out for a bit and her flatmate (and ex) kicked off about not getting to see her much. We tried to tell her than Tee doesn't have any right to tell her who she can and can't see and who she spends her time with, especially now they aren't together but Ash still felt annoyed and upset about the whole thing. Her going home and finding that no housework had been done in the days she'd been gone was the icing on the cake. She was furious and determined she was going to move out as she couldn't stand living in that house anymore. The next morning her and Tee talked things out an apparently stuff is going alright just now, not sure how long it will last though.

Friday was my first day back at work that week and i went into the new seating plan to find I'd been moved but i was on the early shift so no one was really in yet. When everyone eventually got in I found out the girl sitting next to me (giving her a nickname as I'm sure I'll mention her again: Squeak) is incredibly chatty and i was just instantly drawn to her. We chatted away like we'd been friends for years, we have a lot in common and i sort of feel like I'm cheating on my other friend (who I shall now refer to as: Bubble) by being so friendly with Squeak haha.

Squeak is very into D&D and just seems to be very on my wave length, we're constantly joking and laughing, and funnily enough she sort of knows of Josie as her best friend is trans and Josie went to the same support ground as the friend. Every trans person seems to know each other in my area and its so amusing to me :p

Withing knowing Squeak for like a day she said that I was one f those people who you meet and you just know. You can take that however you like, but I was a little bit flustered. Over the next week we got to knwo each other a lot more and oh boy the low key flirting has started and yup me being the disaster lesbian I am, I definitely have a crush on her. Its kind of strange because i always assumed a crush was you liked someone and wanted to really date them, but i don't exactly want to date her, i just wouldn't mind maybe kissing her a bit. I'm happy enough with my girls after all, I just get attached too easily to people its a pain.

Been talking to Bubble when I can at work, often spend 5 or 10 mins of my breaks through the day just standing by her desk having a chat, and when we have weekend shifts together we make sure to sit together so we're still talking a decent amount which is nice. My crush on her seems to have died down a bit, its gone from i would get with her in a heartbeat, to this is a good friend and i love her a lot. That's normally how my crushes go, and I'm honestly just happy enough to have her as a good friend.

Yesterday I was saying how tomorrow this week there's a work night out and I'm trying to get Bubble to come along out as Squeak and I are already going. I was telling Josie how although i want them both there so we can all hang out and have fun, I'm also a tiny bit worried as when I'm drunk i become super flirty and touchy feely. It's not that i don't trust myself, its just i don't want to scare either of them away, although I doubt that will happen.

Anyway, I was saying all this to Josie and she was like you just don't want them there because you might kiss them, I immediately was like I wouldn't that's cheating and she just laughed at me and said she knows me too well. I don't really know ho to feel about that one. Like she seems to know me well enough to know what I want, and also seemed completely fine with it. If anything where ever to happen between myself and someone else, I'd let my partners know of course I would, but it was just so strange to hear that she wouldn't be incredibly hurt by it. Gave me some stuff to think on I guess.

There's probably a load of stuff I've missed out but I can't think of it right now.

convo with j about cheating/kissing people, i thougth sheating she said not
Well, last time i posted you can tell just how tired i was due to the fact i left my notes on what i wanted to talk about at the bottom of the post there, oops, haha.

Anyway, to pick up where i stopped last time: I didn't go on that work night out as in the day time Josie and I went to view a flat and immediately put down the deposit on it because we liked it so much. I was still sort of planning on going out but not spending lots as moving house costs sooooooo much money, but then both Bubble AND Squeak messaged me to say they weren't gonna go and i sort of lost all motivation to go and instead stayed in and caught up on the walking dead video game (which was very good and gay, 10/10)

So far its been a week since we submitted all the paper work and the estate agent is still getting stuff together. I'm stressing out a lot over this as people are now viewing the flat I'm currently living in and i have no move out date to even begin making plans towards.

Josie is stressing too but is more focused on other things, or just is really good at hiding how stressed she is because she seems to be handling this way better than i am. Ash is trying her hardest to support us and relate as her move in December there didn't go to plan either.

On Thursday last week I went to a gig with Ash and Tee. I've mentioned before that Tee is also her ex of 6 years so it is a little bit weird to see them together sometimes. Being out with them both was a lot of fun and i actually feel a lot closer to Tee. I think there was a bit of tension with them because obviously they still love Ash dearly but us all being out together and them getting to see Ash and I interacting the way we do seems to have made them really happy for us which I'm glad of.

I stayed over after the gig at Ash's house and we had quite a bit to drink so Ash was pretty drunk when we got in the house. Her and Tee were pretty irritable with each other, and although a fight didn't exactly happen, I could tell Ash was sort of annoyed when we went to bed. For awhile now both Josie and I have been making jokes about how Ash should just move in with us and she's always politely told us no. Well, as we were lying in bed that night she looked at me really seriously and said maybe she should just move in with us as she'd be a lot happier. I didn't get my hopes up too much as she was still drunk, but yeah that happened.

On Friday, Ash ran a D&D session at the local comic book store and only me and one other guy turned up so Ash ran two short adventures using some content from the campaign she's hopefully gonna be running. I was using my first ever character who I play in Josie's campaign and she wasn't too useful as our tank sort of sucked and i spent the whole game healing and not being able to hit anything. Like it was good fun, but I'm also used to my newest character who is OP as hell and i like her a lot more now haha.

After D&D, Ash surprised me by saying she didn't want to go home and so she came to stay at mine. Josie was on a close so we watched movies and cuddled while we waited for her to get home. The plan was we'd wait for her to get in then all cuddle, but I ended up falling asleep so we all caught up in the morning.

Josie tried to get this time off as Ash and i did but wasn't able to so she worked through all of this. On saturday, I got some packing (or at least organizing done) in the spare room, and Ash finally went home. I had an evening to myself which was nice but also sort of lonely, weird how you get used to at least someone being there.

On Sunday we went for brunch to meet Ash's parents before Josie had to go to work. I was very awkward as Ash chose to come out face to face with them as poly. He nana's reaction will forever be my favourite "Oh, that's fine. what type of tea would you like to order?". Possibly the best response ever, they both took it very well honestly, like it wasn't a big deal at all. So as things stand, Josie is the only one who isn't out to her parents.

After meeting with them Ash ended up coming back to mine with the intention of just hanging out for a bit then taking the (very heavy) birthday present bag home with her so I didn't have to lug it around with me when we did stuff for her birthday the next day. Instead what happened is we ended up in bed and staying there for several hours and then by about dinner time she just decided to stay over. She says it was because she had an appointment the next day, and the clinic is near by, but I later got her to admit when she went home Saturday she was just really bored and missed us, so she definitely stayed over so she could spend time with us.

On Monday we got breakfast then Ash went to her appointment. We then met up in town with Tee and their girlfriend to go to a dessert place and just had a load of ice cream and stuff which was nice. Ash was complaining that her throat hurt and then as the day went on she wasn't feeling herself and was quite agitated at everyone. We went to hers and spent another afternoon in bed apart from this time it was actually just cuddling and napping which yeah is also nice. We were mostly killing time waiting for Josie to come over after work.

Eventually Josie got there and did some last minute prep for a D&D session before everyone else arrived and we had a fun birthday D&D session for Ash. At this point she was feeling quite ill so didn't enjoy it that much, but we still all had fun. We didn't stay over as i felt Ash needed some time to herself, especially since she didn't feel the best so we all went our separate ways.

Today we had someone come to view the flat, which of course made my anxiety about moving a hell of a lot worse. I've just been trying to have a chill day today and relax before I'm back to work tomorrow. Ash has come down with a cold like she thought she was, and Josie is still working and doesn't have a day off until Friday which sucks.

And that about covers it, nothing else to update on.
Well hey there, sorry it's been over a month since I updated this. The last few weeks running up to the move were stressful as hell and i didn't really wanna be writing an update when i was super stressed and not in the right mindset honestly. We literally didn't even get confirmation we were definitely moving until 2 days before the date, so yeah as you can imagine, it was intense.

So, I originally intended to just update this when we moved in like hey we moved its all good...but nope of course i couldn't because it took a week for the wifi to even be out in. so i've just been sitting here suffering having no internet haha.

Guess i better tell you all about the absolutely disaster moving was because oh boy. Basically, everything was a approved, we had a time booked to do the inventory, sign the papers and get the keys. It was all looking great until Josie phoned into work the night before to let them know she wouldn't be in. she'd put in for this day as a holiday weeks and weeks ago but it turns out a manager had denied it and of course who picked up the phone that day? that very manager. So yeah, manager turns around and tells Josie if she takes the day off she'll be fired. This of course fucks everythingggggggg up, there's a lot of crying and deciding wtf do we do planning.

Luckily, Josie's mum is a force to be reckoned with and basically just managed to talk round the state agents eventually into letting me sign the papers when i went to do the inventory and for Josie to sign it when she finished work. so it wasn't a total disaster but i did mean i did most the work getting everything packed up at the old place, Josie only got to the old flat in time to help me move the last few things an when unpack at the new place.

Ash helped with the move too but she started work at 2pm so she could only he in the morning with getting some furniture that was delivered into the new place. She then came round the next day to help us get a bit more settled. In fact, we've spent a load more time together since we only live about 5 mins apart now.

And i guess that leads onto the next big news...Ash is hopefully going to be moving in with us! Well, if the landlord lets us add her to the tenancy anyway. Basically, she planned on living in her current place with her flatmates for about 6 more months to a year, but Tee and her other flatmate have both dropped the bomb that they're moving back in with their parents, and just now Ash can't afford to live anywhere on her own and doesn't know anyone she can move in with. So, she's hopefully moving in with us. She's rather stressed as you can imagine, simply just from the unknown of if she can move in or not. She has said she would rather live with us and me and Josie feel like home to her so this isn't just her settling or anything.

I also just adopted a cat, his name is Jelly and he's a black and white cutie. he's only a year old and hasn't been neutered so i have the fun of dealing with that. Yesterday when he first arrived he was an angel just cuddling up and being cute, but last night when we went to bed he went a bit wild and started biting and scratching us. We ended up having to shut him in another room and then letting him out in the morning.

I just put it down as he's still young and was trying to play or something, but he did the same thing this morning and was being really weird. Mot sure what was up with him but thinking its probably to do with him realaising this is his new home. We went out to get some more toys and some calming spray to see if that helped. We were gone for no more than 2 or 3 hours and then when we came back he was back to his usual cuddle and affectionate self, so no clue what was up with him honestly. Hopefully tonight he's better, or we'll have to shut him in the other room again.

Bubble and squeak are coming to mine for dinner tonight and to meet Jelly, it will be the first time Josie meeting both of them so that should be fun. Ash is coming over after work to and we're all having sweet potato chili since its definitely vegan and we didn't know what else to make for squeak that she can eat haha.

Nothing else major has happened, so I'll leave it there for today.
Soooo, been thinking of updating this for a long time but always been too tired to, so now i'm sot of chill and have some energy is a better time than any I guess.

Work has been very very challenging recently, the client have decided a lot of new rules which is making the place pretty insufferable to the point that half the work force is leaving. Bubble and I both asked if we can be moved to another campaign and have been looking at other jobs, but sadly nothing has come of it.

Work aside, life has been alright. Ash was due to move in with us on like the 13th of June or something, but ended up moving in a few weeks before since she didn't see much point in staying in her old flat alone and she just wanted to be with us. So yeah, we've all been living together since, which has been a hell of an adjustment honestly.

We've had a few issues with not feeling there's enough space/two of us coupling off together while the other does stuff but we've mostly worked through them. The most sort of pressing issue is actually with Josie and how she's definitely going through some sort of depressive phase and just isn't looking after herself or the house. I kinda knew this was going on before but until Ash moved in and i had someone else to make sure i wasn't being too hard on her i didn't realise how bad it actually was. We had to sit her down and sort of have an intervention which amazingly went well and she's now seeking therapy to try work through some of her obvious issues and see if she can get referred for some tests and being put on meds.

Ash finished her therapy sessions she was attending and is now on some meds to help her so she's feeling better as well. So now, I'm the only one in the house not actively seeking out therapy or anything else which i sort of feel guilty about as i obviously have some past trauma stuff from just my dad passing away never mind anything else. But for now, I feel I'm okay and not at a breaking point where i need someone to talk to. At work they're really trying to push the fact we can get therapy and such, I have the phone number and info if i do want to look into it, but just now I don't really want to do down that path.

In happier news, it was the work night out last week and i had great fun on my first ever night out with bubble. Squeak was supposed to be there too but ditched up to play the new DLC of her favourite game that just came out. Squeak's best friend was also at this party and I've met this friend before so we ended up hanging out with her for most the night as well.

Now, what you have to know about this friend is that she is full on madly in love with Squeak. Like she might never say it out loud but its just obvious seeing them interact. Squeak sadly is too scared to even mention to her boyfriend that she'd like to explore being poly because she doesn't want to upset him, they've been together for 7 years and they're very much stuck in a routine they're too scared to break. From what she's told me about her bf, i think she should just leave his ass and live her life freely dating how ever many people she likes, but she doesn't really wanna listen to me (and everyone else at work) about this.

Anyway, Although Squeak couldn't join us, bubble and I had an amazing time for our night out. It was the first time I've gone out with her and we just had a really good time. We had a really good chat about feelings and I very plainly said to her I am happy with my current partners and absolutely adore having her as a friend, but if she offered something casual on the side i wouldn't say no. Bubble has a bit of trauma with sex so even if she was flirty and touchy for the entire night, i was clear headed enough to know not to try anything unless she initiated it first. I was very very drunk though, and still managed to be in work for 9am the next day, i'm proud of myself haha.

Talking of the next day, because it was a Saturday and we're not normally busy on a Saturday and I decided to run my call floor campaign. Yep that's right, i spent the last week writing a little mini D&D one shot to run at work. Although people we're hungover and tired, it actually went really well and was a lot of fun. It was Bubble's first time playing the game ever so it was a challenge helping her understand everything, but yeah, was good fun and i learned i can decently DM :p

Ash finally got her D&D campaign up and running and so far its been incredible. She said when we first started Josie's campaign that she fell even more in Josie for DMing it, and like yeah i get that feeling now because its so hard to bring a story to life and Ash is doing it fantastically so of course I'm in awe a bit. We're playing with 2 friends from work, Squeak, Josie, and me, and we all get on really well and so far the sessions have been great. I'm loving playing such a confident and flirty character with some major flaws, definitely a struggle since I'm kinda shy normally so from a role playing perspective my character is really pushing me and i like it.

Before I finish this off, an update on the cat Jelly! We got him neutered and hes calmed down a bit. He's still a playful baby but is learning to not use claws and play nicely. I got a fancy cat flat which works with his microchip so he can come and go as he pleases which has stopped our night time trouble of us having to shut him in a room.

Well, that's all for now, hopefully i won't leave it months again before the next update.
I have a minute so thought i better give this a little update.

Work has been the same, still stressy and still an absolute mess. I had a job interview for another call centre but kind of freaked out and turned it down in a panic that i don't wanna leave my current place because i've made some really good friends there, and the travel time is longer and involves like 3 buses. Bubble has an interview at this same place next week and will probably take it if she gets it as its closer to her and her car is about to die so she needs somewhere easily accessible by buses. So I'm gonna be sad if she goes but it'll be better for her so i cant be too sad about it.

Apart from work my life has sort of just revolved around d&d which honestly has been great. We've done three sessions of Ash's campaign now and I'm loving it. I'm still struggling a bit with my character because she's just so different from how I am but its really good fun and everyone else is having great fun too.

We couldn't find time to run a session with our group this week so since Ash had the day off yesterday she ran a one shot at the local comic book store. we ended up with 5 of us playing (me, Josie 2 other girls and a guy) It was basically just the first session of Ash's campaign but adapted a bit which was fun. I really tried to exaggerate my characters flirtatiousness and confidence and think i may had did it a bit to well as one of the girls there was definitely blushing and a bit flustered which was cute. definitely left that session feeling a bit bad that i made her so flustered but she was adorable and was joking along with me so i think it was okay.

Today is my cities pride celebration but from how the weather is now I'm not sure i really want to go out for it. I have plans with bubble to go to a roller disco later, and since Josie is gonna be out at her mum's hen party all day and night i invited Ash along with us. Hopefully that will be good, and inside, as if not i doubt it'll be on with all this rain.

Not much of an update but had a spare moment so thought I'd update
Welp, it's been a month, time seems to be flying by these days.

First of all, Bubble did in fact take that job i was talking about and because she had like 2 weeks of holiday she technically had her last day at work like 3 weeks ago. Bubble isn't one for touching and hugs really, has a bit of trauma with it so doesn't really do it but she gave me a big hug when she left and we finally exchanged numbers so we can talk without needing internet.

I don't think it's quite hit me yet that she's left, or I'm handling it better than i thought i would be. I've invited her round for d&d tomorrow so hopefully she comes to that and i get to see her.

Work has yet again been the same, the client are getting even worse and we're now officially the lowest paid campaign and they're threatening to take money out our wages for it, its not a good environment and people are leaving asap. I've applied for a few other jobs but the thing about working 45 hours a week is that I'm too exhausted to do anything when i get home from work and my days off are spent doing other things.

And if i didn't have enough stress on my plate with work, Josie has decided for her mental health she's only gonna work like 25 hours a week, the same as ash does. she didn't really think this through and it wasn't until i basically told her she's gonna have no money and if i lose my job (which honestly is looking like it might happen with how shit work it) we are screwed and will be lucky if we can afford rent.

I'm trying not to think too much on it so i don't go insane, but it's in the back of my mind. I was discussing this all with squeak at work the other day and she basically said that she works the most hours in their house so her bf picks up the majority of the housework to make up for it. I told Josie about this to try subtly hint if she's gonna be working 20 less hours than me i want her to help around the house more, but her reaction was that with Squeaks situation that isn't right and no matter how may hours people work the housework should be shared equally. I knew it would turn into an argument if i pushed it so i didn't.

I talked about it with Ash and she already agreed that since she works less she'll do more housework and that Josie needs to grow up and take some responsibility instead of just playing video games all the time.

The most notable shift of feelings recently is that I'm starting to get this feeling of not belonging again. Ash and Josie have started playing a video game together and it just seems like every time i come home, am in the house on a day off, just anytime I'm not in work their playing it. The problem is i also have this game, i bought it just because Josie wanted me to play it, and i did for a while but it inst really my thing. I know the easy solution is i just play this game with them and then maybe i won't feel left out, but i don't really want to.

So yup, those bad feelings are back due to them spending time together playing this, and also because they both have so much time off work they've been going on a lot of dates and such. Normally I'm fine with this, like I'm happy for them going on dates and its cute and exciting, but I've been feeling just upset and a lot of resentment honestly. It's mostly due to the fact I keep trying to invite them out places when i do have a spare moment but they're too tired from work, or want to play video games, or some other reason.

This sort of came to a breaking point last week when they went out for dinner without me to my favourite food place after both not wanting to go the previous week with me. I felt hurt and like they obviously didn't go with me because they'd rather spend time together. and then last week they also went out to play d&d without me and that was it, I honestly felt like betrayed it was ridiculous.

I've been feeling really bad about it all, not feeling like a belong and like I'm a stranger in my own house, it hasn't been a fun couple of days but we've all actually sat down and talked about it which didn't help loads but it helped a bit. There has also been the problem of Ash hasn't felt up to sex for the last week and that paired with basically just not seeing her made thing a million times worse. we figured out what the problem with that was yesterday and remedied it. we both admitted to feeling a hell of a lot better after a good session in bed.

I'm back to work again for the weekend and hopefully it isn't going to be to bad. I have my friend who i play d&d with gonna be in to to chat to tomorrow (Gonna nickname him Corn), and then on Sunday I guess I'm gonna be making bracelets to keep myself entertained while waiting on calls.

After work tomorrow though Ash is gonna run a d&d oneshot and hopefully my friend who I went to uni with is gonna come over for that, along with bubble and another guy from work (I'll call him Church) so if they can all come along its gonna be awesome! That's the highlight of my week which is kinda sad, i know.

Sorry this has been more of a vent than an update, sure feels nice to write all this out honestly.
I wanted to do my next update when i had some good news to share about getting a new job or something, but sadly that hasn't happened. Been meaning to write this for a few weeks but just kept holding off just in case.

So yep, still no new job for me. Which in turn has made me more stressed and stress is making me ill which of course is making me miss work and now i have a disciplinary for it. I'm supposed to have evidence to help prove my case that i am actually ill and such but sadly my doctors appointment to get such evidence is on Wednesday, where the meeting is tomorrow. I'm not too worried about it, I'm just gonna be as honest as possible and explain what's going on and hopefully they won't fire me. As much as i want out, I'm sensible enough to know losing my job isn't the best way to go at all.

Apart from job stuff, things have been alright. Not done much but work as usual but i did meet up with Bubble a few weeks ago and we spent the day together shopping and had a bit of lunch. It was a lovely catch up and i got lots of hugs from here which honestly pretty much made the day for me.

I'm discovering lots of people have different levels of intimacy with different people. For example, I just assumed because Squeak is so comfortable and touchy feely with me that she is that way with everyone, but then when her and Church were talking and saying how they don't like to be touched really and i was so confused.

We talked about it a bit more and they explained it to me is touch and intimacy (with everyone not just lovers obviously) is different and yeah maybe they don't want to be touched normally, but if they have a friend who they can see touch is important to they don't mind it. So with Church especially he's a guy who keeps to himself and like him and Squeak accidentally touched hands or something once and they were both like whoa that was weird lets not do that again. Yet with me if my hands are cold he'll warm them up, he doesn't do too much touching but its a lot more than he does with anyone else. It just makes me feel happy honestly, like obviously if they were uncomfortable i wouldn't touch, but they're making the effort and seem to be happy and that makes me happy.

In other news, It was Josie's birthday at the send of September there and for it we had a whole day of D&D! I said I'd write a little campaign to run when Ash needs a break, and so to let both Josie and her play I decided I'd run mine. It went well and although we had to do the first session without Squeak because she was running late, it was really good fun. I didn't think would get so into their characters and actually enjoy it so much, I was treating this as little oneshots we can do whenever we please, but immediately after the first session everyone wanted to play more. So for the last few weeks I've been running it and yeah, Josie especially is really really into it and it's nice to see her so passionate about it.

Yesterday We did Ash's campaign for the first time in a few weeks and I was soooooo excited to be a player again. I bought her an early Christmas present the other week of dry erase dungeon tiles that slot together so she can make maps for the cmapaign. They were pretty expensive but that sort of thing is honestly so I wasn't too bothered. Ash spent the whole of last week preparing and drawing this dungeon map, and then yesterday we didn't even get to the dungeon because we all had some actual character stuff we wanted to do haha. Ash wasn't upset though, in fact she was happy as we have some really good character arcs going on right now.

My birthday is up next at the end of November and we're taking it one step further and having a D&D sleepover! I'm very excited about it, mostly because lets be real i haven't had a sleepover in so many years and i just love all of them a lot and love spending time with them. Obviously it being a sleepover everyone needs places to sleep, which though we have two bedrooms, Ash has her own bed and sleeps in it which of course is fine but we ideally need that bed for friends to stay in. So like yeah she's fine with putting up with sleeping with me and Josie in our bed (Josie starfishes when she sleeps and is like a living furnace, its too hot and squishy with three of us in there)

However, I was talking with Squeak about this plan and she like desperately wants to sleep in that bed with us too. I told her it will not be a good time and she's definitely better sleeping in the other room but yeah she wants to cuddle with the polycule. I mean it's fine, we're definitely gonna end up noping out and going to the other room which i told her and she was kind of upset, said we can't couple off that just feels wrong. I understand she doesn't get poly as she doesn't practice it herself and is absolutely still in the whole 'everyone loves each other all the time and does everything together' mindset.

Ash and Josie both are a bit flustered about Squeak being in the bed as they both still have pretty big crushes on her (Ash more than Josie at this point) I'm not sure how I feel about it, like sure it can't hurt and if she wants to cuddle no way am i gonna turn that down, just feels a bit strange, maybe I'll figure it out later.

Don't think there's anything else i need to update about, hopefully I'll have some good news, or at least news that I'm getting better next time.