Kitty's journey into all things poly
- Thread starter kittyxuchiha11
- Start date
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
This was my first thought too, especially paired with me doubting my thoughts/reality for the last few months around it all. But I don't think that's the case. I have been in a lot of toxic and abusive relationships before, and although I know how blind you become to the signs, I like to think I've at least learned what to look out for. If anything, I'm the bad person here. If you really look into it, you could claim I'm being manipulative by having one of these anxiety spike mood dips every time she tells me she's gonna sleep with someone else. But no one actually thinks that. Mental health crises/anxiety attacks aren't things you can control and use to manipulate people. (That's not something I ever want to do, anyway.) But I do feel as if I'm still the bad person here, on some level, for not feeling secure enough in my relationship.
In our big talk, I said several times this is a me issue. She can't help how I feel, but by sticking to our ground rules on safe and healthy polyamory, she can help me feel better and help support me. If she is manipulating me, then I can't figure out why. One thing I should mention is I did talk about breaking up and how that would look, in a worst-case scenario sort of thing. I've seen Alex happy, annoyed, every other emotion I can think of, but I have honestly never really seen her sad. I've never seen her cry, and I still haven't. But when I mentioned the break-up, she looked really genuinely sad. I thought she was about to cry and that kinda shocked me and pulled me out of my sadness spiral I was in, because yet again, actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words.
I ate lunch and feel a lot better. My period is due tomorrow. (Please turn up and be nice.) UPS still hasn't delivered my parcel
but I'm optimistic for the day!
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
My period turned up, and I feel completely fine now! Body is weird. I got some new bathroom scales and turns out my old ones were really messed up and weighing me like a whole kilo more than I actually am, so I'm pretty happy now about, well everything. This weekend archery isn't on, so Alex is arranging a surprise (I totally know what it is, but we can pretend its a surprise) date for us on Saturday. She's been making a real effort this week to text more and I feel very heard and loved right now. I'm excited to spend time with her this weekend and not feel just sad and down the whole time. I've been having good cuddles and talks with Ash and Josie too this week too. Things are definitely looking up!
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
I thought about doing an update here but I haven'y really had much to update on so I've held off and then oops it's been a month. My period is due to start today and although I've felt a bit low it definitely wasn't as bad as last month. I've been super busy with archery for the last month and Alex and I have now officially shot in 3 club shoots so we can have a handicap generated for our end of the season shoot. The leader of our our club has said it's due to be around the end of august/early september and I'm just praying it iasn't on a weekend we're gonna be busy (He just posted that its august 31st, the day after Alex's and I's anniversay!)
The most exciting and surprising thing is I might be going to Iceland next year! Basically, Messy had a flight cancled duing the pandemic and has been trying to find time to use the credit but isn't going to be able to so is offering the credit to Alex and I. I was just sort of rambling to Alex yesterday about how like she didn't want to go on holiday with me and she was like oh yeah I was going to say do you wanna go to iceland and I was like wait what???? girl went from saying that a 5 day holiday in even like a caravan was too long and she didn't want to to being fine with going away for 7 days to iceland with me!
She has been a lot more thoughtful since our talk honestly and I think it might have really shifted her perspective seeing how ready to break up I was if it would make her happier. Obviously, she's not going to say anything of this to me, but luckily I know her and I can read between the lines with her actions.
The next month or so is going to be busy busy! We want to have another picnic somewhere while it's still summer (Summer used very vaguely, it rained for like 2 weeks straight) So we might do that next weekend, we're definitely going to do archery and the usual saturday thing of watching movies and eating lots of snacks. I've been eating a lot more food recently because although dieting is good for me I'm now down 22kg/48lbs and like I could loose more but I'm not sure if I want to so I'm making sure my cheat days really count with getting to eat a bunch of nice junk food then eating healthy they rest of the time.
On the 3rd of August I'm travelling back to Scotland as its the anniversary of my dad's death midweek and we can only go at the weekend. The plans are very loose just now but we're going to go to the grave, probably see my mum and maybe some friends in my hometown (need to plan that) then at 4pm we're going to a safari park I haven't been to since I was about 9 and I'm soooooo excited to go! I remember the playground being really good and I guess I'll see if I can still fit in it. gotta wear a cute outfit and have extra toddler vibes on the day I guess
After the safari park we're going to meet up with some other friends and stay at their house for the night and then not sure if we're doing anything but traveling back the next day.
The next 2 weeks after that I don't technically have anything booked in yet but in one of those weekends Josie and I are going to do the whole trying on wedding dresses with family thing. We already have dresses we're settled on, this is purely just to let her mum and sister come along as It's what you're supposed to do. We're going to try on similar styles to the ones we have picked, and i've told Josie she's not allowed to fall in love with any of the dresses she tried on as they start at £800 at cheapest and we do not have the budget for that. Not sure when that will be but either the 10th or 17th I guess.
The next thing we have is we're visiting Alex's parents for a long weekend from like the 23rd - 27th which yet again it's nice Alex is setting aside time to have me around and involve me in stuff. I'm excited to see ehr parents and get away from home for a few days as well because, well i guess it's time for the not so great update part.
Things have been pretty tense in my house recently. Not sure if I mentioned it here but Ash lost her job like a month or so ago and it's been difficult. She's been really depressed and not looking after herself or the house because this was her dream job and well being unemployed sucks. She has a new job as a supervisor position starting Monday so it's all sorted (for now) but yeah the last like 2 months have not been great. Since I work from home I am always home apart from the one night I spend at Alex's a week. I'm used to being in the house on my own during the day and I didn't really think about it until Ash was suddenly just always in the living room, lounging around eating constant snacks and junk food. I don't want to be in there with her because I'll want to snack and with dieting everything she eats is way too high calorie and unhealthy, not that she'd share it anyway. Due to unemployment support here sucking she's had litterally £300 to put towards bills for the last 2 months which to put into perspective she usually puts in £500 a month so we've really felt the effects. I'm currently covering her side of the bills and having to pay for shopping and everything as well.
So with all this she's now home all the time and when I'm trying to work she'll come in and try to talk to me, if I don't drop everything immediately she'll get upset at me and it's just such, idk, I don't want to say a turn off but I've not been feeling great about her recently. I talked to Josie a bit about it in the first few weeks and she was very much of the attitude that it isn't Ash's fault and we just need to be supportive, so that's how I was trying to look at it.
Last weekend Alex asked if i wanted to come over to hang out and probably have sex with these cool trans girls she'd been talking to (girls is the wronf word here, found out when they arrived there were in their 40s and 50s and omg they were both so much fun to talk to. Adhd to Adhd communication happend with me and one of them to the point we just started taking selfies and having fun while Alex fucked the other woman haha) So while I'm other there I text the polycule to say I'm having a great time and I doubt I'd stay over but might be back late. Cue Ash texting me freaking the fuck out saying she isn't comfortable with me being there and she needs me to come home right now. I saw the message in my notifications on my phone but I was in the middle of conversation and well Ash has bad spirals and anxiety and she has one of these every few weeks so I knew this wasn't something I needed to actually like step out and deal with. Ash had a complete spiral and then Josie starts texting me asking if we'd had an argument because Ash is crying her eyes out saying she needs to break up with me because I can't love her anymore with how I've been acting. This lasts like 10 minutes, she calms down, rationalises everything and then it's all okay again.
The next day I'm home and I talk to her about it and she's just like oh it's fine I just got in my own head its all good, I'm like okay thats good fine. A few days later her vape stops working suddenly and all hell breaks loose. I've said before smoking is a super hard no and deal breaker for me and a few months ago we had a big talk where Ash was trying to self sabotage and just kept asking me to break up with her because she wants to vape and smoke weed and I don't like that. I told her to stop beng an idiot and that self sabotaging isn't a good look. She later fgured her shit out and cried telling me how much she loves me and I basically told her she can smoke weed with friends if she wants just not in the house and that vaping and smoking is stupid especially since she has asthma but also I understand its hard to stop immediately so as long as she tries to stop it would be okay.
I thought she had really cut back or stopped, then this whole unemployment thing happened and I realised she's still vaping and is not trying to quit at all. I've been trying to just ignore it and try focus on the good things, then a few days ago her vape suddenly stopped working and I saw how she is in withdrawl. I hate it. It's honestly so stupid that she'd put herself through this. She was really jittery telling me she cant do this and she needs to buy a new vape because she needs them to stay calm at work since she's going to be starting that. I was so checked out honestly, I was working and she's like coming into my office and getting really upset that I won't drop everything to pay attention to her. She decides she can't deal with it anymore (less than 24 hours into not having nicotine btw) and makes a big deal of how she's going to buy one. She sort of stops and tells me she knows it's a problem that needs to stop but that she loves me. I said it back but like I hate to even write this here but I don't know how I feel just now.
I'm trying to wait for things to return to normal and then try work through my feelings on all this. Life won't slow down or stop in the mean time so I just have to see how it goes I guess.
The most exciting and surprising thing is I might be going to Iceland next year! Basically, Messy had a flight cancled duing the pandemic and has been trying to find time to use the credit but isn't going to be able to so is offering the credit to Alex and I. I was just sort of rambling to Alex yesterday about how like she didn't want to go on holiday with me and she was like oh yeah I was going to say do you wanna go to iceland and I was like wait what???? girl went from saying that a 5 day holiday in even like a caravan was too long and she didn't want to to being fine with going away for 7 days to iceland with me!
She has been a lot more thoughtful since our talk honestly and I think it might have really shifted her perspective seeing how ready to break up I was if it would make her happier. Obviously, she's not going to say anything of this to me, but luckily I know her and I can read between the lines with her actions.
The next month or so is going to be busy busy! We want to have another picnic somewhere while it's still summer (Summer used very vaguely, it rained for like 2 weeks straight) So we might do that next weekend, we're definitely going to do archery and the usual saturday thing of watching movies and eating lots of snacks. I've been eating a lot more food recently because although dieting is good for me I'm now down 22kg/48lbs and like I could loose more but I'm not sure if I want to so I'm making sure my cheat days really count with getting to eat a bunch of nice junk food then eating healthy they rest of the time.
On the 3rd of August I'm travelling back to Scotland as its the anniversary of my dad's death midweek and we can only go at the weekend. The plans are very loose just now but we're going to go to the grave, probably see my mum and maybe some friends in my hometown (need to plan that) then at 4pm we're going to a safari park I haven't been to since I was about 9 and I'm soooooo excited to go! I remember the playground being really good and I guess I'll see if I can still fit in it. gotta wear a cute outfit and have extra toddler vibes on the day I guess
After the safari park we're going to meet up with some other friends and stay at their house for the night and then not sure if we're doing anything but traveling back the next day.
The next 2 weeks after that I don't technically have anything booked in yet but in one of those weekends Josie and I are going to do the whole trying on wedding dresses with family thing. We already have dresses we're settled on, this is purely just to let her mum and sister come along as It's what you're supposed to do. We're going to try on similar styles to the ones we have picked, and i've told Josie she's not allowed to fall in love with any of the dresses she tried on as they start at £800 at cheapest and we do not have the budget for that. Not sure when that will be but either the 10th or 17th I guess.
The next thing we have is we're visiting Alex's parents for a long weekend from like the 23rd - 27th which yet again it's nice Alex is setting aside time to have me around and involve me in stuff. I'm excited to see ehr parents and get away from home for a few days as well because, well i guess it's time for the not so great update part.
Things have been pretty tense in my house recently. Not sure if I mentioned it here but Ash lost her job like a month or so ago and it's been difficult. She's been really depressed and not looking after herself or the house because this was her dream job and well being unemployed sucks. She has a new job as a supervisor position starting Monday so it's all sorted (for now) but yeah the last like 2 months have not been great. Since I work from home I am always home apart from the one night I spend at Alex's a week. I'm used to being in the house on my own during the day and I didn't really think about it until Ash was suddenly just always in the living room, lounging around eating constant snacks and junk food. I don't want to be in there with her because I'll want to snack and with dieting everything she eats is way too high calorie and unhealthy, not that she'd share it anyway. Due to unemployment support here sucking she's had litterally £300 to put towards bills for the last 2 months which to put into perspective she usually puts in £500 a month so we've really felt the effects. I'm currently covering her side of the bills and having to pay for shopping and everything as well.
So with all this she's now home all the time and when I'm trying to work she'll come in and try to talk to me, if I don't drop everything immediately she'll get upset at me and it's just such, idk, I don't want to say a turn off but I've not been feeling great about her recently. I talked to Josie a bit about it in the first few weeks and she was very much of the attitude that it isn't Ash's fault and we just need to be supportive, so that's how I was trying to look at it.
Last weekend Alex asked if i wanted to come over to hang out and probably have sex with these cool trans girls she'd been talking to (girls is the wronf word here, found out when they arrived there were in their 40s and 50s and omg they were both so much fun to talk to. Adhd to Adhd communication happend with me and one of them to the point we just started taking selfies and having fun while Alex fucked the other woman haha) So while I'm other there I text the polycule to say I'm having a great time and I doubt I'd stay over but might be back late. Cue Ash texting me freaking the fuck out saying she isn't comfortable with me being there and she needs me to come home right now. I saw the message in my notifications on my phone but I was in the middle of conversation and well Ash has bad spirals and anxiety and she has one of these every few weeks so I knew this wasn't something I needed to actually like step out and deal with. Ash had a complete spiral and then Josie starts texting me asking if we'd had an argument because Ash is crying her eyes out saying she needs to break up with me because I can't love her anymore with how I've been acting. This lasts like 10 minutes, she calms down, rationalises everything and then it's all okay again.
The next day I'm home and I talk to her about it and she's just like oh it's fine I just got in my own head its all good, I'm like okay thats good fine. A few days later her vape stops working suddenly and all hell breaks loose. I've said before smoking is a super hard no and deal breaker for me and a few months ago we had a big talk where Ash was trying to self sabotage and just kept asking me to break up with her because she wants to vape and smoke weed and I don't like that. I told her to stop beng an idiot and that self sabotaging isn't a good look. She later fgured her shit out and cried telling me how much she loves me and I basically told her she can smoke weed with friends if she wants just not in the house and that vaping and smoking is stupid especially since she has asthma but also I understand its hard to stop immediately so as long as she tries to stop it would be okay.
I thought she had really cut back or stopped, then this whole unemployment thing happened and I realised she's still vaping and is not trying to quit at all. I've been trying to just ignore it and try focus on the good things, then a few days ago her vape suddenly stopped working and I saw how she is in withdrawl. I hate it. It's honestly so stupid that she'd put herself through this. She was really jittery telling me she cant do this and she needs to buy a new vape because she needs them to stay calm at work since she's going to be starting that. I was so checked out honestly, I was working and she's like coming into my office and getting really upset that I won't drop everything to pay attention to her. She decides she can't deal with it anymore (less than 24 hours into not having nicotine btw) and makes a big deal of how she's going to buy one. She sort of stops and tells me she knows it's a problem that needs to stop but that she loves me. I said it back but like I hate to even write this here but I don't know how I feel just now.
I'm trying to wait for things to return to normal and then try work through my feelings on all this. Life won't slow down or stop in the mean time so I just have to see how it goes I guess.
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
The end of the last update was kinda heavy. I'm working through things and just trying to figure out how I actually feel. its rather up and down just now, but I'll talk about it more when I've had time to really process everything. The update for today is a happier one!
First of all, oh my god Alex has done so well with Archery she got a classification in the club! Basically, if you do really well and get a good score you get a title and then a badge and a prize at the end of the season. One of my resolutions for this year has been to be happy for others success and not jealous of it. This is a real test of that and honestly I think I'm doing really well. Like I am a little sad that this means Alex is way better than me and that she might have to like not shoot with me anymore because she's doing well enough to shoot at further distances, but like thats all I'm a bit sad about. I am really proud of her, and where I would have felt such jealousy before I feel love and I guess I'm proud on just slowly rewiring my brain to be better.
Alex has been texting me a lot this week, its a bit weird because she'll text me load during work hours then I won't get a single text for the whole evening. I get it though, she's having her time and it is important to let her recharge. She's started actually just explaining things clearly to me which I also really appreciate. Like if I ask to stay over and she isn't feeling up to it she'll expain she needs a break to recharge but she'll still text me when she feels up to it. It feels like a real shift in our relationship. Especially with how much she's been texting me to plan stuff for the upcoming month.
She suggested for our Scotland trip we take the long way home and stop to get stuff for a picnic and then if the weather is nice have a picnic at this nice looking place in the borders. It makes me really happy that she's adding to my plans as this trip was very much just a I want to go and she can drive me, but it's turned into a whole little adventure we're going to go on. She even wrote out a little plan of everything and timed everything out, which is so cute and I just feel very seen and loved.
The other exciting thing is I scheduled the wedding dress trying on thing! We're doing that on the 17th August, my mum is going to visit for the weekend and we'll use Alex's house as a sort of home base as she has a spare room and well my house at best we can buy an airbed and try squeeze it somewhere. I'm now a bit like worried that I should like loose weight and try stay as good as possible on my diet but oh my god being on my peiod is making that soooo hard (it appeared as it was supposed to, but at like 10pm so should I count that as the first day or should I count the next day as the first day??)
I was doing very well at sticking to my calories and being good, then Ash and Josie convinced me to buy them a sweet treat yesterday. The thing is, I am an okay weight now. I am still overweight according to bmi but I can fit into a uk size 12/14 for most things and in fact I accidentally bought a pair of size 10 leggings a while ago and they now feel like a good fit. I'm just gonna continue as I am, If I lose enough weight to get into the smaller size wedding dress, cool that's great. If not, then I tried and also its like a year away this feel so insane so be sizing up and doing wedding dress stuff for an event 9 months away!
First of all, oh my god Alex has done so well with Archery she got a classification in the club! Basically, if you do really well and get a good score you get a title and then a badge and a prize at the end of the season. One of my resolutions for this year has been to be happy for others success and not jealous of it. This is a real test of that and honestly I think I'm doing really well. Like I am a little sad that this means Alex is way better than me and that she might have to like not shoot with me anymore because she's doing well enough to shoot at further distances, but like thats all I'm a bit sad about. I am really proud of her, and where I would have felt such jealousy before I feel love and I guess I'm proud on just slowly rewiring my brain to be better.
Alex has been texting me a lot this week, its a bit weird because she'll text me load during work hours then I won't get a single text for the whole evening. I get it though, she's having her time and it is important to let her recharge. She's started actually just explaining things clearly to me which I also really appreciate. Like if I ask to stay over and she isn't feeling up to it she'll expain she needs a break to recharge but she'll still text me when she feels up to it. It feels like a real shift in our relationship. Especially with how much she's been texting me to plan stuff for the upcoming month.
She suggested for our Scotland trip we take the long way home and stop to get stuff for a picnic and then if the weather is nice have a picnic at this nice looking place in the borders. It makes me really happy that she's adding to my plans as this trip was very much just a I want to go and she can drive me, but it's turned into a whole little adventure we're going to go on. She even wrote out a little plan of everything and timed everything out, which is so cute and I just feel very seen and loved.
The other exciting thing is I scheduled the wedding dress trying on thing! We're doing that on the 17th August, my mum is going to visit for the weekend and we'll use Alex's house as a sort of home base as she has a spare room and well my house at best we can buy an airbed and try squeeze it somewhere. I'm now a bit like worried that I should like loose weight and try stay as good as possible on my diet but oh my god being on my peiod is making that soooo hard (it appeared as it was supposed to, but at like 10pm so should I count that as the first day or should I count the next day as the first day??)
I was doing very well at sticking to my calories and being good, then Ash and Josie convinced me to buy them a sweet treat yesterday. The thing is, I am an okay weight now. I am still overweight according to bmi but I can fit into a uk size 12/14 for most things and in fact I accidentally bought a pair of size 10 leggings a while ago and they now feel like a good fit. I'm just gonna continue as I am, If I lose enough weight to get into the smaller size wedding dress, cool that's great. If not, then I tried and also its like a year away this feel so insane so be sizing up and doing wedding dress stuff for an event 9 months away!
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
Well, Alex really fucked up.
She dropped me home on Saturday like she usually does and was pretty quiet that evening and this continued into Sunday. This isn't abnormal, she likes her time alone, as I've written about here many many times before. Well yesterday she had texted a tiny bit in the morning but not much, but really that isn't something to be worried about. However, around 4pm she asked if she could call me. So a video call comes up and I'm like okay wtf is going on she NEVER ever calls and me and has never video called me EVER so I knew something was up. It connects and she immediately tells me she messed up and hooked up with someone last night and she knows she should have told me (literally, our one boundry is she tells me before she does it) and she is stupid for not doing that. I didn't really know what to say, I didn't really feel upset or anything I think I was just more shocked than anything because I have never seen Alex cry, maybe look a tiny bit upset but she looked like she was about to cry and I was just so stunned.
We talk a bit and I tell her I'd like to cuddle and talk this out because like logically I understood this is a huge breach of trust but i just felt numb. Emotions are crazy, and I often don't really feel what I truly am feeling until much later when I have time to process. She came to pick me up and we spent an hour or so cuddling and talking and this is where more shit gets revealed and it starts to become very real what she's done.
Basically, this person starts messaging her on grindr and she'd had a few drinks at this point and decided this is a good idea. She then drives TWO HOURS to see this person. This floored me, like fair enough if it was someone nearby and then she didn't tell me until the next day, but spnding two hours getting there, the whole time there, and the travel back the fact it didn't cross her mind to tell me. This made me so fucking upset. The fact that even if she felt sober enough to drive, she really shouldn't have. The only reason I didn't break up with her on the spot is because she does seem really remorseful and made a huge point of saying that what she did was really really shitty and she hates that she even did that.
She sort of realised what she'd done when she woke up properly yesterday and then freaked out. She explained it to me that she knew she had to tell me, but didn't think about that she had to tell me before it happened and she was on a one track mind of see cute girl, go fuck her, then she can tell me about it. But upon realsing how she'd fucked up she freaked out because it just hadn't really occured to her before that this is a boundry and literally the one thing I ask of her and that she could have ruined everything. She realised that i'm the most important person in her life and to do something so stupid and so disrepectful to me wasn't okay and that she needs to be better. She made this whole point about how she knows she really really fucked up and just hopes in time I can forgive her and we can build that trust she ruined back up.
Just now I'm not sure how to feel honestly. I'm swinging wildly from it being fine and like nothings wrong to this feeling of deep dread in my chest. It feels really stupid to me because like for the first time ever, I do not care that she slept with someone else. There is so jealoisy or anything at all there, and it almost feels stupid to be upset over this because she didn't cheat or do anything wrong technically. But also she did, she broke the rules we have set up in our relationship and that's just so much worse. There isn't a magic cure for this, or even really steps I can take to work through it, and that's the worst part. If I was upset over the fact she'd slept with someone else, then I feel it would be better this just feels impossible to deal with because there is nothing I can do.
I feel pretty bad about it but while having a talk and cry about it all last night I asked if she'd consider staying off grindr and the likes for a bit, just while we build trust back up and get back to a place where we both feel comfortable. I was terrified to even ask her to do this because in our big talk the other month she made it very very clear she doesn't want to be held back of policed on who she can sleep with or see. To my surprise she agreed with me and said something along the lines of that she's proven she can't be trusted to use them responsibly so she should stay off them for a while and we'll talk about it again at a later date. I don't know if this will even help but I'm trying to protect myself as although I might be okay I don't want to see if I'll be triggered by her now telling me if she wants to sleep around.
I didn't see her cry because it was dark and we were in bed but I heard and felt it when she hugged me last night. She was being so affecionate and loving and then she held me literally for the whole night. I'm aware of love bombing, and I'm very aware this is the perfect time for her to do something like that because this whole situation just screams absuive and toxic I know.
I briefly touched on it with her that it could be she's only upset because she got caught but like if she was trying to be really shitty and not make amends for it, she wouldn't have told me. I never would have figured out she'd been away without her telling me, she realised she fucked up and told me of her own volition. She's said to me several times she feels immensely guilty and feels so upset and mad at herself that she could do anything to hurt me. She spent so long last night telling me I deserve to be loved and deserve so much better than what she did and that she will work as hard as possible and try to be the best she can be to make it up to me. The fact she's being so transparant and mature about this doesn't make me think that it's all an act because she fucked up and now needs sympathy points from me to just not break up with her.
I feel pretty sad and down about it. I'm seeing her and Ellie tonight and I'm a bit worried about it honestly. But I also know if I told them both that I just want to hang out and cuddle and just do fun stuff they'd be okay with it. I told Ellie last night because it did not feel fair for her to walk into this shit and not know. She immediately offered to rearrange if we needed the space to work stuff out and made it very clear she does want to see us and that it would be to make sure I'm okay. It's still going ahead just now, but I've also told both of them I do want to hang out and play like rockband, and I have these cute glow in the dark temp tattoos I think will be fine to just stick on each other. Because It's not the sex thing that I'm upset about it should be fine, but I guess theres still a part of me worried it will set off the other bad feelings.
Even as I'm writing this the panic and dread has slowly moved from my chest to my stomach, but it's still there. I know it will get better with time, and its literally just been 24 hours since I was told, but I feel so stupid. Alex was very adament last night that this isn't my fault at all and it's all on her and I don't need to feel bad or stupid because she's the one that fucked up. And she's right, I'm the victim here, the one that's been hurt by this. Yet I'm still worrying I didn't do enough, that I should have known she doesn't like sharing information about what she's doing or where she's going and I've asked too much of her. I just need to have a good cry about this I think. I don't feel our relationship is bad or that anything has changed, and maybe that's the problem. I'm just trying to write down what's in my head and it's all so much. We'll survive, but I don't know how I'm supposed to feel okay now
She dropped me home on Saturday like she usually does and was pretty quiet that evening and this continued into Sunday. This isn't abnormal, she likes her time alone, as I've written about here many many times before. Well yesterday she had texted a tiny bit in the morning but not much, but really that isn't something to be worried about. However, around 4pm she asked if she could call me. So a video call comes up and I'm like okay wtf is going on she NEVER ever calls and me and has never video called me EVER so I knew something was up. It connects and she immediately tells me she messed up and hooked up with someone last night and she knows she should have told me (literally, our one boundry is she tells me before she does it) and she is stupid for not doing that. I didn't really know what to say, I didn't really feel upset or anything I think I was just more shocked than anything because I have never seen Alex cry, maybe look a tiny bit upset but she looked like she was about to cry and I was just so stunned.
We talk a bit and I tell her I'd like to cuddle and talk this out because like logically I understood this is a huge breach of trust but i just felt numb. Emotions are crazy, and I often don't really feel what I truly am feeling until much later when I have time to process. She came to pick me up and we spent an hour or so cuddling and talking and this is where more shit gets revealed and it starts to become very real what she's done.
Basically, this person starts messaging her on grindr and she'd had a few drinks at this point and decided this is a good idea. She then drives TWO HOURS to see this person. This floored me, like fair enough if it was someone nearby and then she didn't tell me until the next day, but spnding two hours getting there, the whole time there, and the travel back the fact it didn't cross her mind to tell me. This made me so fucking upset. The fact that even if she felt sober enough to drive, she really shouldn't have. The only reason I didn't break up with her on the spot is because she does seem really remorseful and made a huge point of saying that what she did was really really shitty and she hates that she even did that.
She sort of realised what she'd done when she woke up properly yesterday and then freaked out. She explained it to me that she knew she had to tell me, but didn't think about that she had to tell me before it happened and she was on a one track mind of see cute girl, go fuck her, then she can tell me about it. But upon realsing how she'd fucked up she freaked out because it just hadn't really occured to her before that this is a boundry and literally the one thing I ask of her and that she could have ruined everything. She realised that i'm the most important person in her life and to do something so stupid and so disrepectful to me wasn't okay and that she needs to be better. She made this whole point about how she knows she really really fucked up and just hopes in time I can forgive her and we can build that trust she ruined back up.
Just now I'm not sure how to feel honestly. I'm swinging wildly from it being fine and like nothings wrong to this feeling of deep dread in my chest. It feels really stupid to me because like for the first time ever, I do not care that she slept with someone else. There is so jealoisy or anything at all there, and it almost feels stupid to be upset over this because she didn't cheat or do anything wrong technically. But also she did, she broke the rules we have set up in our relationship and that's just so much worse. There isn't a magic cure for this, or even really steps I can take to work through it, and that's the worst part. If I was upset over the fact she'd slept with someone else, then I feel it would be better this just feels impossible to deal with because there is nothing I can do.
I feel pretty bad about it but while having a talk and cry about it all last night I asked if she'd consider staying off grindr and the likes for a bit, just while we build trust back up and get back to a place where we both feel comfortable. I was terrified to even ask her to do this because in our big talk the other month she made it very very clear she doesn't want to be held back of policed on who she can sleep with or see. To my surprise she agreed with me and said something along the lines of that she's proven she can't be trusted to use them responsibly so she should stay off them for a while and we'll talk about it again at a later date. I don't know if this will even help but I'm trying to protect myself as although I might be okay I don't want to see if I'll be triggered by her now telling me if she wants to sleep around.
I didn't see her cry because it was dark and we were in bed but I heard and felt it when she hugged me last night. She was being so affecionate and loving and then she held me literally for the whole night. I'm aware of love bombing, and I'm very aware this is the perfect time for her to do something like that because this whole situation just screams absuive and toxic I know.
I briefly touched on it with her that it could be she's only upset because she got caught but like if she was trying to be really shitty and not make amends for it, she wouldn't have told me. I never would have figured out she'd been away without her telling me, she realised she fucked up and told me of her own volition. She's said to me several times she feels immensely guilty and feels so upset and mad at herself that she could do anything to hurt me. She spent so long last night telling me I deserve to be loved and deserve so much better than what she did and that she will work as hard as possible and try to be the best she can be to make it up to me. The fact she's being so transparant and mature about this doesn't make me think that it's all an act because she fucked up and now needs sympathy points from me to just not break up with her.
I feel pretty sad and down about it. I'm seeing her and Ellie tonight and I'm a bit worried about it honestly. But I also know if I told them both that I just want to hang out and cuddle and just do fun stuff they'd be okay with it. I told Ellie last night because it did not feel fair for her to walk into this shit and not know. She immediately offered to rearrange if we needed the space to work stuff out and made it very clear she does want to see us and that it would be to make sure I'm okay. It's still going ahead just now, but I've also told both of them I do want to hang out and play like rockband, and I have these cute glow in the dark temp tattoos I think will be fine to just stick on each other. Because It's not the sex thing that I'm upset about it should be fine, but I guess theres still a part of me worried it will set off the other bad feelings.
Even as I'm writing this the panic and dread has slowly moved from my chest to my stomach, but it's still there. I know it will get better with time, and its literally just been 24 hours since I was told, but I feel so stupid. Alex was very adament last night that this isn't my fault at all and it's all on her and I don't need to feel bad or stupid because she's the one that fucked up. And she's right, I'm the victim here, the one that's been hurt by this. Yet I'm still worrying I didn't do enough, that I should have known she doesn't like sharing information about what she's doing or where she's going and I've asked too much of her. I just need to have a good cry about this I think. I don't feel our relationship is bad or that anything has changed, and maybe that's the problem. I'm just trying to write down what's in my head and it's all so much. We'll survive, but I don't know how I'm supposed to feel okay now
Hiya Kitty, I'm genuinely curious as to what purpose this rule or boundary has had in your relationships. Why did you put it in place originally? And why is this the last rule standing? (I'm sure you have plenty of other boundaries you've never needed to be explicit about.)
You said above:
But you still insist on knowing? Why? I can imagine that her telling you takes the joy out of the encounter for her knowing you'll have a mood dip. Perhaps it's not a rule serving a good purpose for anyone.
Here was a discussion from largely last year about this that you may want to join in with
You said above:
But you still insist on knowing? Why? I can imagine that her telling you takes the joy out of the encounter for her knowing you'll have a mood dip. Perhaps it's not a rule serving a good purpose for anyone.
Here was a discussion from largely last year about this that you may want to join in with
Last edited:
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
The rule originally was set in place for safety and to help manage my expectations around texting and communication. I have these rules with all my partners, in fact I have a bunch that are for my nesting partners that I have shared with Alex but don't apply to her becaus we don't live together. The point of it is basically so if I don't hear from her for several hours then I don't worry. This one especially stung becaue she travelled so far and anything could have happened to her and I would have literally never known. It's definitely not about control, I don't want to control who she gets to see, that is quite literally not my place to say anything.Hiya Kitty, I'm genuinely curious as to what purpose this rule or boundary has had in your relationships. Why did you put it in place originally? And why is this the last rule standing? (I'm sure you have plenty of other boundaries you've never needed to be explicit about.)
You said above:
But you still insist on knowing? Why? I can imagine that her telling you takes the joy out of the encounter for her knowing you'll have a mood dip. Perhaps it's not a rule serving a good purpose for anyone.
Here was a discussion from largely last year about this that you may want to join in with
As I said, the idea of her having sex with someone else doesn't bother me, it's the break in trust and the confirmation that she repects me so little that she didn't have the decency to tell me. if she told me I would have been fine, I would have teased her about being so horny she's traveling hours away to fuck someone, but I would have known where she was and wouldn't have cared what she was doing. It's there to help set expectations of what I can expect communication wise and if an emergency does happen I know her last location. If we like shared locations with each other on our phones, I wouldn't be so concerned about safety, but that isn't something either of us want to do as telling someone you're doing somewhere, and having them be able to track your every move are very different things.
Honestly, I just like knowing what people are doing. Some might call my nosy for it, but I just like knowing what.s going on and if i can freely text someone or if I should leave them alone. It's the same idea as someone telling me they're going to be working for the next few hours so they won't be texting, or if someoen tells me they want some alone time. It helps set expectations of the situation on how I should act and react. It's probably a neurodivergent thing, but its what helps me personally and if my partners expecially can't and won't respect that then that isn't someone I want to share my life with.
The part you've quoted I don't think I've explained myself very well. I was villianising myself to try make her look better, I don't actually have a dip in mood every time she tells me, I did at that time because my mental health was really struggling due to several other factors. And even if I do have any bad feelings about it, I know we can have an open docussion about this and help eleviate my fears.
One thing this has done is opened Alex's eyes to how she's been acting and made her realise she is very unahppy with herself and how she's been treating me (She read about the last 6 months of posts here yesterday, and I'll send her this to get my point across because I hope I'm making sense) We're both going to make a real effort to make sure this sort of hurt never happens again, and that includes us being more open and honest and if there are any bad feelings that come up we will talk it out. I've been scared to talk things out in the past due to not wanting to come across as nagging or being an annoying clingy partner, but thats an issue I have with my own self worth and how I think others view me. Ive been trying very hard this year to work through this, but as you'll know, progress and healing isn't linear and I will have moments of relapse and bad feelings.
Thank you for your input though, you've opened up a whole new discussion with Alex which is going to be a lot harder to have but needs to happen.
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
Our trip to Scotland was good, but the whole polycule got covid so rip 
Alex didn't mention feeling ill to me last week but we were a bit preoccupied with everything that happened and I also got really ill on Thursday with stomach/ovary related issues and she was much more concerned with me and making sure I was okay. I was pretty much out of it and didn't eat for 2 days, on Saturday on our drive up I tried a slushie thinking it was just ice and flavour it coldn't go that badly. Turns out is was jolly rancher flavour and oh my god no stomach did not like that and I was super suffering crying while stuck in traffic and poor Alex was trying her best to just get me to breath and not have a panic attack about everything.
I really lose it when I'm in such severe pain and we just so happened to get stuck in traffic exactly where Alex went for her hook up and seeing all the signs for it was bringing up a lot of bad emotions and feelings. At one point I was just sobbing saying we should break up because I'm just holding her back and stopping her for living her life by imposing stupid rules on her. She was obviously trying to stay calm for both our sakes but she did sound upset when she reinterated she didn't want to break up and she loves me. I said something along the lines of it will be better because she can go sleep with whoever she wants whenever she wants and this bit kinda broke through to me. She replied back saying what if she's relaised that isn't what she wants anymore and she was wrong to put the idea of having freedom to fuck whoever who wants above our relationship. I mean, fuck, that is huge. That is like the biggest I'm commited to you and our relationship over everything thing she could have said.
I survived the drive and we sat at my dads grave for about half an hour. Guys, I was such a wreck, like there were new grave stones for like still born babies and 3 year olds and everything just made me cry. Alex just sat with me quietly and held me as I cried, she replied when I spoke to her and she was yet again very very good. Last time we visited the grave I didn't really show any emotion, was maybe just a little sad as I said I wish she could have met him. This time I shared stories and told her a load of other stuff about how like they really would have got on. I was also crying so much at the grave because my stomach was still giving me so much pain and I knew I had to try take some meds to settle it before we went to meet my friend for lunch or I would just be suffering the whole day. Well, we sit in the car and with trying to take the meds I throw up (literally just outside of the car door) and it was all slushie! with that terrible American chemical nightmare out it was okay and my meds worked absolute wonders.
We met my friend and her husband for lunch and like I litterally haven't seen her in like 2 years since her wedding basically. I didn't eat anything but I did manage to drink nearly a whole pint of water and I was so happy about that! Until I pointed it out and my friend and Alex were like yeah Alex has been drinking that when you weren't looking, so I drank slightly less water than i thought, but still a good sign for sotmach not trying to kill me. We had to go straight to the safari park from lunch and omg we took sooooo many pictures of all the animals! It was really really good and Alex wins partner of the year for playing on the huge playground with me. we had soooo much fun and I managed to eat a doughnut and drink a can of sprite while I was there so stomach was definitely on the mend.
We were staying at a friends house for the evening and pretty much as soon as we got there and were relaxing in the living room Alex started coughing a bit. We played some games and I could tell she was really tired, but we left to start driving at 8am so that wasn't a surpise. But at one point she leaned into me and I relaised she definitely had a bit of a temperature. My first immediate thought was hmm cough and fever, thats first covid signs, but I didn't wanna say anything in front of our friends. She woke me up a few times in the night by coughing but I'm a very light sleeper and it did just seem a bit like a random cough so i wasn't super concerned.
On the Sunday we visited my mum, then got some food for a little picnic and had that in the borders on our way home. She was really complaining about having a sore throat on the drive home and bought some cough sweets at a service station which seemed to help a bit. I did then mention to her that they were very much covid symptoms and she was like what crazy i've managed to avoid it for 4 and a half years tho.
When I got home I found Josie standing over 2 covid tests that were both negative and i was like girl??? turns out she'd had a sore throat for a few days and was just checking. I mentioned it to Alex like well at least it isn't covid from my house. On Monday I now had a sore throat and had previously given Alex all my cough sweets so she dropped some round for me along with some food I'd left at her house. I sort of jokingly gave her a box of covid tests as we have like 4 boxes and she didn't have any. Well, she took 2 and tested positive within like 2 mins of doing the test, and at this point i'm like for fucks sake I hate these tests but I guess I'll do one. Yup you guessed it, immediately positive as well.
Texted everyone I'd seen over the weekend to let them know, Alex was so upset about it all especially since we'd seen so many people. Everyone had the same welp its going around isn't it don't worry about it attitude. I was trying to figure out where we'd picked it up from, and the very obvious answer was the person Alex hooked up with. Cue a whole new guilt for Alex to feel over that entire situation. Of course because I was positive I was just waiting for Ash and Josie to test positive, and they did both on Thursday. As I said first time covid really isn't that bad, the worse part this time was the sore throat but apart from that is hasn't been bad. We fgured out Alex is only double vaccinated, not tripple so she's suffering a bit more but I'm over it already, it was only bad symptoms for 3 days for me, whereas Alex still has the typical symptoms but is getting over it.
So yup, we're the plague polycule but I should hopefully start texting negative soon so I can actually leave the house. I was hopinh to see Ellie and play some video games and just keep her company since she isn't doing good mental health wise but obviously covid put a stop to those plans. This coming week so far we're hopefully going to do some archery on Thursday since we've missed the last 2 weekends and we'll be missing this weekend and on Saturday we're doing wedding dress trying on stuff!
Alex didn't mention feeling ill to me last week but we were a bit preoccupied with everything that happened and I also got really ill on Thursday with stomach/ovary related issues and she was much more concerned with me and making sure I was okay. I was pretty much out of it and didn't eat for 2 days, on Saturday on our drive up I tried a slushie thinking it was just ice and flavour it coldn't go that badly. Turns out is was jolly rancher flavour and oh my god no stomach did not like that and I was super suffering crying while stuck in traffic and poor Alex was trying her best to just get me to breath and not have a panic attack about everything.
I really lose it when I'm in such severe pain and we just so happened to get stuck in traffic exactly where Alex went for her hook up and seeing all the signs for it was bringing up a lot of bad emotions and feelings. At one point I was just sobbing saying we should break up because I'm just holding her back and stopping her for living her life by imposing stupid rules on her. She was obviously trying to stay calm for both our sakes but she did sound upset when she reinterated she didn't want to break up and she loves me. I said something along the lines of it will be better because she can go sleep with whoever she wants whenever she wants and this bit kinda broke through to me. She replied back saying what if she's relaised that isn't what she wants anymore and she was wrong to put the idea of having freedom to fuck whoever who wants above our relationship. I mean, fuck, that is huge. That is like the biggest I'm commited to you and our relationship over everything thing she could have said.
I survived the drive and we sat at my dads grave for about half an hour. Guys, I was such a wreck, like there were new grave stones for like still born babies and 3 year olds and everything just made me cry. Alex just sat with me quietly and held me as I cried, she replied when I spoke to her and she was yet again very very good. Last time we visited the grave I didn't really show any emotion, was maybe just a little sad as I said I wish she could have met him. This time I shared stories and told her a load of other stuff about how like they really would have got on. I was also crying so much at the grave because my stomach was still giving me so much pain and I knew I had to try take some meds to settle it before we went to meet my friend for lunch or I would just be suffering the whole day. Well, we sit in the car and with trying to take the meds I throw up (literally just outside of the car door) and it was all slushie! with that terrible American chemical nightmare out it was okay and my meds worked absolute wonders.
We met my friend and her husband for lunch and like I litterally haven't seen her in like 2 years since her wedding basically. I didn't eat anything but I did manage to drink nearly a whole pint of water and I was so happy about that! Until I pointed it out and my friend and Alex were like yeah Alex has been drinking that when you weren't looking, so I drank slightly less water than i thought, but still a good sign for sotmach not trying to kill me. We had to go straight to the safari park from lunch and omg we took sooooo many pictures of all the animals! It was really really good and Alex wins partner of the year for playing on the huge playground with me. we had soooo much fun and I managed to eat a doughnut and drink a can of sprite while I was there so stomach was definitely on the mend.
We were staying at a friends house for the evening and pretty much as soon as we got there and were relaxing in the living room Alex started coughing a bit. We played some games and I could tell she was really tired, but we left to start driving at 8am so that wasn't a surpise. But at one point she leaned into me and I relaised she definitely had a bit of a temperature. My first immediate thought was hmm cough and fever, thats first covid signs, but I didn't wanna say anything in front of our friends. She woke me up a few times in the night by coughing but I'm a very light sleeper and it did just seem a bit like a random cough so i wasn't super concerned.
On the Sunday we visited my mum, then got some food for a little picnic and had that in the borders on our way home. She was really complaining about having a sore throat on the drive home and bought some cough sweets at a service station which seemed to help a bit. I did then mention to her that they were very much covid symptoms and she was like what crazy i've managed to avoid it for 4 and a half years tho.
When I got home I found Josie standing over 2 covid tests that were both negative and i was like girl??? turns out she'd had a sore throat for a few days and was just checking. I mentioned it to Alex like well at least it isn't covid from my house. On Monday I now had a sore throat and had previously given Alex all my cough sweets so she dropped some round for me along with some food I'd left at her house. I sort of jokingly gave her a box of covid tests as we have like 4 boxes and she didn't have any. Well, she took 2 and tested positive within like 2 mins of doing the test, and at this point i'm like for fucks sake I hate these tests but I guess I'll do one. Yup you guessed it, immediately positive as well.
Texted everyone I'd seen over the weekend to let them know, Alex was so upset about it all especially since we'd seen so many people. Everyone had the same welp its going around isn't it don't worry about it attitude. I was trying to figure out where we'd picked it up from, and the very obvious answer was the person Alex hooked up with. Cue a whole new guilt for Alex to feel over that entire situation. Of course because I was positive I was just waiting for Ash and Josie to test positive, and they did both on Thursday. As I said first time covid really isn't that bad, the worse part this time was the sore throat but apart from that is hasn't been bad. We fgured out Alex is only double vaccinated, not tripple so she's suffering a bit more but I'm over it already, it was only bad symptoms for 3 days for me, whereas Alex still has the typical symptoms but is getting over it.
So yup, we're the plague polycule but I should hopefully start texting negative soon so I can actually leave the house. I was hopinh to see Ellie and play some video games and just keep her company since she isn't doing good mental health wise but obviously covid put a stop to those plans. This coming week so far we're hopefully going to do some archery on Thursday since we've missed the last 2 weekends and we'll be missing this weekend and on Saturday we're doing wedding dress trying on stuff!
kittyxuchiha11
Active member
Well, very unexpedidly, both Josie and I picked our wedding dresses on Saturday! I went in there so set on buying a dress online and just trying them on. I thought Josie might fall in love with one, and she did, but it took literaly hours of trying on dresses for me to come around to the idea so fuck it we're both wearing white and our colour theme really is just the trans flag now haha.
Alex was on picture taking duty and omg she did so soooo well. she took over 100 pictures and videos, I then wittled that down to a huge 87! I made some little edits today as we didn't get a picture in our chosen dresses together, and its somewhat easier for Josie to show everyone at work when she's in the office tomorrow. Because I know you want to see pictures not me typing an essay, here's pictures!
The obligitory picture with the sign and with everyone who was there
The edit ones I made don't want to attach so here's some highlights of the dresses!
I don't have many pictures in my dress how I'm going to wear it as there was this cape we tried with a load of dresses that I just liked wearing because it was such fairy princess vibes, but I think this dress without it is amazing. The funny story is this is the first dress I tried on, we then tried on like 5 other dresses and every time I just kept saying I like it but the first was my favourite so far. So we went back to the first dress but in a size down with extra underskirts on for unltimate poofyness and yeah. We did a sort of walking in the dress bit and i was just watching myself in the mirror like fuck this is it this has to be the dress. my mum also just lost it and cried the whole time I was in it and I already said the goal for the wedding is to make as many people as possible cry so that was the sign this is the one! I was so good and didn't cry until I said yes to the dress then got a lil teary eyed. Alex is denying it, but she took a picture to prove she also got teary eyed when I said yes.
So rip our budget, but we have dresses!
Alex was on picture taking duty and omg she did so soooo well. she took over 100 pictures and videos, I then wittled that down to a huge 87! I made some little edits today as we didn't get a picture in our chosen dresses together, and its somewhat easier for Josie to show everyone at work when she's in the office tomorrow. Because I know you want to see pictures not me typing an essay, here's pictures!
The obligitory picture with the sign and with everyone who was there
The edit ones I made don't want to attach so here's some highlights of the dresses!
I don't have many pictures in my dress how I'm going to wear it as there was this cape we tried with a load of dresses that I just liked wearing because it was such fairy princess vibes, but I think this dress without it is amazing. The funny story is this is the first dress I tried on, we then tried on like 5 other dresses and every time I just kept saying I like it but the first was my favourite so far. So we went back to the first dress but in a size down with extra underskirts on for unltimate poofyness and yeah. We did a sort of walking in the dress bit and i was just watching myself in the mirror like fuck this is it this has to be the dress. my mum also just lost it and cried the whole time I was in it and I already said the goal for the wedding is to make as many people as possible cry so that was the sign this is the one! I was so good and didn't cry until I said yes to the dress then got a lil teary eyed. Alex is denying it, but she took a picture to prove she also got teary eyed when I said yes.
So rip our budget, but we have dresses!