Kitty's journey into all things poly

horrific dip in mood and with everything Alex said to me.
On the rare occasions I feel like this, I have realised it's because I'm being manipulated.
 
On the rare occasions I feel like this, I have realised it's because I'm being manipulated.
This was my first thought too, especially paired with me doubting my thoughts/reality for the last few months around it all. But I don't think that's the case. I have been in a lot of toxic and abusive relationships before, and although I know how blind you become to the signs, I like to think I've at least learned what to look out for. If anything, I'm the bad person here. If you really look into it, you could claim I'm being manipulative by having one of these anxiety spike mood dips every time she tells me she's gonna sleep with someone else. But no one actually thinks that. Mental health crises/anxiety attacks aren't things you can control and use to manipulate people. (That's not something I ever want to do, anyway.) But I do feel as if I'm still the bad person here, on some level, for not feeling secure enough in my relationship.

In our big talk, I said several times this is a me issue. She can't help how I feel, but by sticking to our ground rules on safe and healthy polyamory, she can help me feel better and help support me. If she is manipulating me, then I can't figure out why. One thing I should mention is I did talk about breaking up and how that would look, in a worst-case scenario sort of thing. I've seen Alex happy, annoyed, every other emotion I can think of, but I have honestly never really seen her sad. I've never seen her cry, and I still haven't. But when I mentioned the break-up, she looked really genuinely sad. I thought she was about to cry and that kinda shocked me and pulled me out of my sadness spiral I was in, because yet again, actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words.

I ate lunch and feel a lot better. My period is due tomorrow. (Please turn up and be nice.) UPS still hasn't delivered my parcel :( but I'm optimistic for the day!
 
My period turned up, and I feel completely fine now! Body is weird.

I got some new bathroom scales and turns out my old ones were really messed up and weighing me like a whole kilo more than I actually am, so I'm pretty happy now about, well everything.

This weekend, archery isn't on, so Alex is arranging a surprise (I totally know what it is, but we can pretend its a surprise) date for us on Saturday. She's been making a real effort this week to text more and I feel very heard and loved right now. I'm excited to spend time with her this weekend and not feel just sad and down the whole time.

I've been having good cuddles and talks with Ash and Josie too this week. too. Things are definitely looking up!
 
I thought about doing an update here but I haven'y really had much to update on so I've held off and then oops it's been a month. My period is due to start today and although I've felt a bit low it definitely wasn't as bad as last month. I've been super busy with archery for the last month and Alex and I have now officially shot in 3 club shoots so we can have a handicap generated for our end of the season shoot. The leader of our our club has said it's due to be around the end of august/early september and I'm just praying it iasn't on a weekend we're gonna be busy (He just posted that its august 31st, the day after Alex's and I's anniversay!)

The most exciting and surprising thing is I might be going to Iceland next year! Basically, Messy had a flight cancled duing the pandemic and has been trying to find time to use the credit but isn't going to be able to so is offering the credit to Alex and I. I was just sort of rambling to Alex yesterday about how like she didn't want to go on holiday with me and she was like oh yeah I was going to say do you wanna go to iceland and I was like wait what???? girl went from saying that a 5 day holiday in even like a caravan was too long and she didn't want to to being fine with going away for 7 days to iceland with me!

She has been a lot more thoughtful since our talk honestly and I think it might have really shifted her perspective seeing how ready to break up I was if it would make her happier. Obviously, she's not going to say anything of this to me, but luckily I know her and I can read between the lines with her actions.

The next month or so is going to be busy busy! We want to have another picnic somewhere while it's still summer (Summer used very vaguely, it rained for like 2 weeks straight) So we might do that next weekend, we're definitely going to do archery and the usual saturday thing of watching movies and eating lots of snacks. I've been eating a lot more food recently because although dieting is good for me I'm now down 22kg/48lbs and like I could loose more but I'm not sure if I want to so I'm making sure my cheat days really count with getting to eat a bunch of nice junk food then eating healthy they rest of the time.

On the 3rd of August I'm travelling back to Scotland as its the anniversary of my dad's death midweek and we can only go at the weekend. The plans are very loose just now but we're going to go to the grave, probably see my mum and maybe some friends in my hometown (need to plan that) then at 4pm we're going to a safari park I haven't been to since I was about 9 and I'm soooooo excited to go! I remember the playground being really good and I guess I'll see if I can still fit in it. gotta wear a cute outfit and have extra toddler vibes on the day I guess :p
After the safari park we're going to meet up with some other friends and stay at their house for the night and then not sure if we're doing anything but traveling back the next day.

The next 2 weeks after that I don't technically have anything booked in yet but in one of those weekends Josie and I are going to do the whole trying on wedding dresses with family thing. We already have dresses we're settled on, this is purely just to let her mum and sister come along as It's what you're supposed to do. We're going to try on similar styles to the ones we have picked, and i've told Josie she's not allowed to fall in love with any of the dresses she tried on as they start at £800 at cheapest and we do not have the budget for that. Not sure when that will be but either the 10th or 17th I guess.

The next thing we have is we're visiting Alex's parents for a long weekend from like the 23rd - 27th which yet again it's nice Alex is setting aside time to have me around and involve me in stuff. I'm excited to see ehr parents and get away from home for a few days as well because, well i guess it's time for the not so great update part.

Things have been pretty tense in my house recently. Not sure if I mentioned it here but Ash lost her job like a month or so ago and it's been difficult. She's been really depressed and not looking after herself or the house because this was her dream job and well being unemployed sucks. She has a new job as a supervisor position starting Monday so it's all sorted (for now) but yeah the last like 2 months have not been great. Since I work from home I am always home apart from the one night I spend at Alex's a week. I'm used to being in the house on my own during the day and I didn't really think about it until Ash was suddenly just always in the living room, lounging around eating constant snacks and junk food. I don't want to be in there with her because I'll want to snack and with dieting everything she eats is way too high calorie and unhealthy, not that she'd share it anyway. Due to unemployment support here sucking she's had litterally £300 to put towards bills for the last 2 months which to put into perspective she usually puts in £500 a month so we've really felt the effects. I'm currently covering her side of the bills and having to pay for shopping and everything as well.

So with all this she's now home all the time and when I'm trying to work she'll come in and try to talk to me, if I don't drop everything immediately she'll get upset at me and it's just such, idk, I don't want to say a turn off but I've not been feeling great about her recently. I talked to Josie a bit about it in the first few weeks and she was very much of the attitude that it isn't Ash's fault and we just need to be supportive, so that's how I was trying to look at it.

Last weekend Alex asked if i wanted to come over to hang out and probably have sex with these cool trans girls she'd been talking to (girls is the wronf word here, found out when they arrived there were in their 40s and 50s and omg they were both so much fun to talk to. Adhd to Adhd communication happend with me and one of them to the point we just started taking selfies and having fun while Alex fucked the other woman haha) So while I'm other there I text the polycule to say I'm having a great time and I doubt I'd stay over but might be back late. Cue Ash texting me freaking the fuck out saying she isn't comfortable with me being there and she needs me to come home right now. I saw the message in my notifications on my phone but I was in the middle of conversation and well Ash has bad spirals and anxiety and she has one of these every few weeks so I knew this wasn't something I needed to actually like step out and deal with. Ash had a complete spiral and then Josie starts texting me asking if we'd had an argument because Ash is crying her eyes out saying she needs to break up with me because I can't love her anymore with how I've been acting. This lasts like 10 minutes, she calms down, rationalises everything and then it's all okay again.

The next day I'm home and I talk to her about it and she's just like oh it's fine I just got in my own head its all good, I'm like okay thats good fine. A few days later her vape stops working suddenly and all hell breaks loose. I've said before smoking is a super hard no and deal breaker for me and a few months ago we had a big talk where Ash was trying to self sabotage and just kept asking me to break up with her because she wants to vape and smoke weed and I don't like that. I told her to stop beng an idiot and that self sabotaging isn't a good look. She later fgured her shit out and cried telling me how much she loves me and I basically told her she can smoke weed with friends if she wants just not in the house and that vaping and smoking is stupid especially since she has asthma but also I understand its hard to stop immediately so as long as she tries to stop it would be okay.

I thought she had really cut back or stopped, then this whole unemployment thing happened and I realised she's still vaping and is not trying to quit at all. I've been trying to just ignore it and try focus on the good things, then a few days ago her vape suddenly stopped working and I saw how she is in withdrawl. I hate it. It's honestly so stupid that she'd put herself through this. She was really jittery telling me she cant do this and she needs to buy a new vape because she needs them to stay calm at work since she's going to be starting that. I was so checked out honestly, I was working and she's like coming into my office and getting really upset that I won't drop everything to pay attention to her. She decides she can't deal with it anymore (less than 24 hours into not having nicotine btw) and makes a big deal of how she's going to buy one. She sort of stops and tells me she knows it's a problem that needs to stop but that she loves me. I said it back but like I hate to even write this here but I don't know how I feel just now.

I'm trying to wait for things to return to normal and then try work through my feelings on all this. Life won't slow down or stop in the mean time so I just have to see how it goes I guess.
 
The end of the last update was kinda heavy. I'm working through things and just trying to figure out how I actually feel. it's rather up and down just now, but I'll talk about it more when I've had time to really process everything. The update for today is a happier one!

First of all, oh my god, Alex has done so well with archery she got a classification in the club! Basically, if you do really well and get a good score you get a title and then a badge and a prize at the end of the season. One of my resolutions for this year has been to be happy for other's success and not jealous of it. This is a real test of that, and honestly, I think I'm doing really well. Like, I am a little sad that this means Alex is way better than me, and that she might have to, like, not shoot with me anymore, because she's doing well enough to shoot at further distances. but like, that's all I'm a bit sad about. I am really proud of her, and where I would have felt such jealousy before, I feel love. and I guess I'm proud of just slowly rewiring my brain to be better.

Alex has been texting me a lot this week. it's a bit weird, because she'll text me loads during work hours, then I won't get a single text for the whole evening. I get it, though. she's having her time and it is important to let her recharge. She's started actually just explaining things clearly to me, which I also really appreciate. Like, if I ask to stay over and she isn't feeling up to it, she'll explain she needs a break to recharge, but she'll still text me when she feels up to it. It feels like a real shift in our relationship, especially with how much she's been texting me to plan stuff for the upcoming month.

She suggested for our Scotland trip we take the long way home and stop to get stuff for a picnic. and then, if the weather is nice, have a picnic at this nice-looking place in the borders. It makes me really happy that she's adding to my plans, as this trip was very much just a I want to go and she can drive me. but it's turned into a whole little adventure we're going to go on. She even wrote out a little plan of everything and timed everything out, which is so cute, and I just feel very seen and loved.

The other exciting thing is I scheduled the wedding dress trying-on thing! We're doing that on the 17th August. my mum is going to visit for the weekend. we'll use Alex's house as a sort of home base, as she has a spare room and well, my house, at best we can buy an airbed and try squeeze it somewhere.

I'm now a bit, like, worried that I should, like, lose weight, and try stay as good as possible on my diet. but oh my god, being on my period is making that soooo hard. (it appeared as it was supposed to, but at like 10pm. so should I count that as the first day, or should I count the next day as the first day??)

I was doing very well at sticking to my calories and being good, but then Ash and Josie convinced me to buy them a sweet treat yesterday. The thing is, I am an okay weight now. I am still overweight according to bmi, but I can fit into a UK size 12/14 for most things. in fact, I accidentally bought a pair of size 10 leggings a while ago and they now feel like a good fit. I'm just gonna continue as I am. If I lose enough weight to get into the smaller size wedding dress, cool, that's great. If not, then I tried. and also, it's like a year away. this feel so insane, to be sizing up and doing wedding dress stuff for an event 9 months away!
 
Well, Alex really fucked up.

She dropped me home on Saturday like she usually does. She was pretty quiet that evening, and that continued into Sunday. This isn't abnormal. She likes her time alone, as I've written about here many many times before.

Well, yesterday she had texted a tiny bit in the morning, not much, But really, that wasn't something to be worried about. However, around 4pm she asked if she could call me. A video call came up and I'm like, okay, wtf is going on? She NEVER ever calls me, has never video called me EVER, so I knew something was up. It connected and she immediately told me she messed up and hooked up with someone last night, and she knew she should have told me (literally, our one boundary is she tells me before she does it), and she was stupid for not doing that. I didn't really know what to say, I didn't really feel upset. I think I was just more shocked than anything, because I have never seen Alex cry-- maybe look a tiny bit upset. But she looked like she was about to cry. I was just so stunned.

We talked a bit and I told her I'd like to cuddle and talk this out, because, like, logically I understood this was a huge breach of trust, but i just felt numb. Emotions are crazy, and I often don't really feel what I truly am feeling until much later. when I've had time to process. She came to pick me up. We spent an hour or so cuddling and talking, and this is where more shit was revealed and it started to become very real what she'd done.

Basically, this person started messaging her on grindr. She'd had a few drinks at that point and decided this was a good idea. She then drove TWO HOURS to see this person. This floored me. Like, fair enough if it was someone nearby, and then she didn't tell me until the next day. But spending two hours getting there, the whole time there, and the travel back, the fact it didn't cross her mind to tell me made me so fucking upset. The fact that even if she felt sober enough to drive, she really shouldn't have. The only reason I didn't break up with her on the spot was because she did seem really remorseful and made a huge point of saying that what she did was really really shitty and she hated that she even did that.

She sort of realised what she'd done when she woke up properly yesterday. Then she freaked out. She explained to me that she knew she had to tell me, but didn't think about that she had to tell me before it happened. She was on a one-track mind of see cute girl, go fuck her, then she can tell me about it. But upon realising how she'd fucked up, she freaked out, because it just hadn't really occurred to her before that this was a boundary, literally the one thing I ask of her, and that she could have ruined everything. She realised that I was the most important person in her life, and to do something so stupid and so disrespectful to me wasn't okay, and that she needed to be better. She made this whole point about how she knew she really really fucked up, and just hoped that in time I could forgive her and we could build that trust she ruined back up.

Just now, I'm not sure how to feel, honestly. I'm swinging wildly from it being fine and like nothing's wrong, to this feeling of deep dread in my chest. It feels really stupid to me, because, like, for the first time ever, I do not care that she slept with someone else. There is no jealousy or anything at all there. It almost feels stupid to be upset over this, because she didn't cheat or do anything wrong, technically. But also, she did. She broke the rules we had set up in our relationship and that's just so much worse. There isn't a magic cure for this, or even really steps I can take to work through it. That's the worst part. If I were upset over the fact she'd slept with someone else, then I feel it would be better. This just feels impossible to deal with because there is nothing I can do.

I feel pretty bad about it. But while having a talk and cry about it all last night, I asked if she'd consider staying off grindr and the likes for a bit, just while we built trust back up and got back to a place where we both felt comfortable. I was terrified to even ask her to do this, because in our big talk the other month, she made it very very clear she didn't want to be held back or policed on who she can sleep with or see. To my surprise, she agreed with me, and said something along the lines that she'd proven she couldn't be trusted to use them responsibly, so she should stay off them for a while and we'd talk about it again at a later date. I don't know if this will even help, but I'm trying to protect myself. Although I might be okay, I don't want to see if I'd be triggered by her now telling me if she wanted to sleep around.

I didn't see her cry, because it was dark and we were in bed, but I heard and felt it when she hugged me last night. She was being so affectionate and loving, and then she held me literally for the whole night. I'm aware of love bombing. I'm very aware this was the perfect time for her to do something like that, because this whole situation just screams abusive and toxic, I know.

I briefly touched on it with her that it could be she's only upset because she got caught. But like, if she was trying to be really shitty and not make amends for it, she wouldn't have told me. I never would have figured out she'd been away without her telling me. She realised she fucked up and told me of her own volition. She's said to me several times that she feels immensely guilty, and feels so upset and mad at herself that she could do anything to hurt me. She spent so long last night telling me I deserved to be loved, and deserved so much better than what she did, and that she would work as hard as possible and try the best she can to make it up to me. The fact that she's being so transparent and mature about this doesn't make me think that it's all an act because she fucked up and now needs sympathy points from me to just not break up with her.

I feel pretty sad and down about it. I'm seeing her and Ellie tonight and I'm a bit worried about it, honestly. But I also know if I told them both that I just wanted to hang out and cuddle and just do fun stuff, they'd be okay with it. I told Ellie last night, because it did not feel fair for her to walk into this shit and not know. She immediately offered to reschedule, if we needed the space to work stuff out, but she made it very clear she did want to see us, to make sure I'm okay. It's still going ahead just now. But I also told both of them I did want to hang out and play, like, Rockband. I have these cute glow-in-the-dark temp tattoos I think would be fun to just stick on each other. Because it's not the sex thing that I'm upset about, it should be fine. But I guess a part of me is worried it will set off the other bad feelings.

Even as I'm writing this, the panic and dread have slowly moved from my chest to my stomach, but it's still there. I know it will get better with time. It's literally just been 24 hours since I was told. But I feel so stupid. Alex was very adamant last night that this wasn't my fault at all, it's all on her, and I don't need to feel bad or stupid, because she's the one that fucked up. And she's right. I'm the victim here, the one that's been hurt by this. Yet I'm still worrying that I didn't do enough, that I should have known she didn't like sharing information about what she's doing or where she's going, and I've asked too much of her.

I just need to have a good cry about this, I think. I don't feel our relationship is bad, or that anything has changed, and maybe that's the problem.

I'm just trying to write down what's in my head. It's all so much. We'll survive, but I don't know how I'm supposed to feel okay now.
 
Hiya Kitty, I'm genuinely curious as to what purpose this rule or boundary has had in your relationships. Why did you put it in place originally? And why is this the last rule standing? (I'm sure you have plenty of other boundaries you've never needed to be explicit about.)

You said above:

If you really look into it, you could claim I'm being manipulative by having one of these anxiety spike mood dips every time she tells me she's gonna sleep with someone else.

But you still insist on knowing? Why? I can imagine that her telling you takes the joy out of the encounter for her knowing you'll have a mood dip. Perhaps it's not a rule serving a good purpose for anyone.


Here was a discussion from largely last year about this that you may want to join in with :)
 
Last edited:
Hiya Kitty, I'm genuinely curious as to what purpose this rule or boundary has had in your relationships. Why did you put it in place originally? And why is this the last rule standing? (I'm sure you have plenty of other boundaries you've never needed to be explicit about.)

You said above:



But you still insist on knowing? Why? I can imagine that her telling you takes the joy out of the encounter for her knowing you'll have a mood dip. Perhaps it's not a rule serving a good purpose for anyone.


Here was a discussion from largely last year about this that you may want to join in with :)
The rule originally was set in place for safety and to help manage my expectations around texting and communication. I have these rules with all my partners. In fact, I have a bunch that are for my nesting partners, that I have shared with Alex, but don't apply to her because we don't live together. The point of it is, basically, so if I don't hear from her for several hours, then I don't worry. This one especially stung because she travelled so far, and anything could have happened to her, and I would have literally never known. It's definitely not about control. I don't want to control who she gets to see. It is quite literally not my place to say anything.

As I said, the idea of her having sex with someone else didn't bother me. It was the break in trust and the confirmation that she respected me so little that she didn't have the decency to tell me. If she'd told me, I would have been fine. I would have teased her about being so horny she's traveling hours away to fuck someone, but I would have known where she was and wouldn't have cared what she was doing. It's there to help set expectations of what I can expect, communication-wise, and if an emergency does happen I know her last location. If we shared locations with each other on our phones, I wouldn't be so concerned about safety. But that isn't something either of us wants to do. Telling someone you're going somewhere, and having them be able to track your every move are very different things.

Honestly, I just like knowing what people are doing. Some might call me nosy for it, but I just like knowing what's going on, if i can freely text someone, or if I should leave them alone. It's the same idea as someone telling me they're going to be working for the next few hours, so they won't be texting, or if someone tells me they want some alone time. It helps set expectations of the situation on how I should act and react. It's probably a neurodivergent thing, but it's what helps me personally, and if my partners especially can't and won't respect that, then that isn't someone I want to share my life with.

The part you've quoted-- I don't think I've explained myself very well. I was villainising myself to try make her look better. I don't actually have a dip in mood every time she tells me. I did at that time, because my mental health was really struggling due to several other factors. And even if I do have any bad feelings about it, I know we can have an open discussion about this to help alleviate my fears.

One thing this has done is opened Alex's eyes to how she's been acting and made her realise she is very unhappy with herself and how she's been treating me, (She read about the last 6 months of posts here yesterday, and I'll send her this to get my point across, because I hope I'm making sense.) We're both going to make a real effort to make sure this sort of hurt never happens again. That includes us being more open and honest. If there are any bad feelings that come up we will talk it out. I've been scared to talk things out in the past, due to not wanting to come across as nagging or being an annoying clingy partner. But that's an issue I have with my own self worth and how I think others view me. I've been trying very hard this year to work through this, but as you know, progress and healing aren't linear, and I will have moments of relapse and bad feelings.

Thank you for your input, though. You've opened up a whole new discussion with Alex, which is going to be a lot harder to have, but needs to happen.
 
Our trip to Scotland was good, but the whole polycule got covid so rip 😬

Alex didn't mention feeling ill to me last week but we were a bit preoccupied with everything that happened and I also got really ill on Thursday with stomach/ovary related issues and she was much more concerned with me and making sure I was okay. I was pretty much out of it and didn't eat for 2 days, on Saturday on our drive up I tried a slushie thinking it was just ice and flavour it coldn't go that badly. Turns out is was jolly rancher flavour and oh my god no stomach did not like that and I was super suffering crying while stuck in traffic and poor Alex was trying her best to just get me to breath and not have a panic attack about everything.

I really lose it when I'm in such severe pain and we just so happened to get stuck in traffic exactly where Alex went for her hook up and seeing all the signs for it was bringing up a lot of bad emotions and feelings. At one point I was just sobbing saying we should break up because I'm just holding her back and stopping her for living her life by imposing stupid rules on her. She was obviously trying to stay calm for both our sakes but she did sound upset when she reinterated she didn't want to break up and she loves me. I said something along the lines of it will be better because she can go sleep with whoever she wants whenever she wants and this bit kinda broke through to me. She replied back saying what if she's relaised that isn't what she wants anymore and she was wrong to put the idea of having freedom to fuck whoever who wants above our relationship. I mean, fuck, that is huge. That is like the biggest I'm commited to you and our relationship over everything thing she could have said.

I survived the drive and we sat at my dads grave for about half an hour. Guys, I was such a wreck, like there were new grave stones for like still born babies and 3 year olds and everything just made me cry. Alex just sat with me quietly and held me as I cried, she replied when I spoke to her and she was yet again very very good. Last time we visited the grave I didn't really show any emotion, was maybe just a little sad as I said I wish she could have met him. This time I shared stories and told her a load of other stuff about how like they really would have got on. I was also crying so much at the grave because my stomach was still giving me so much pain and I knew I had to try take some meds to settle it before we went to meet my friend for lunch or I would just be suffering the whole day. Well, we sit in the car and with trying to take the meds I throw up (literally just outside of the car door) and it was all slushie! with that terrible American chemical nightmare out it was okay and my meds worked absolute wonders.

We met my friend and her husband for lunch and like I litterally haven't seen her in like 2 years since her wedding basically. I didn't eat anything but I did manage to drink nearly a whole pint of water and I was so happy about that! Until I pointed it out and my friend and Alex were like yeah Alex has been drinking that when you weren't looking, so I drank slightly less water than i thought, but still a good sign for sotmach not trying to kill me. We had to go straight to the safari park from lunch and omg we took sooooo many pictures of all the animals! It was really really good and Alex wins partner of the year for playing on the huge playground with me. we had soooo much fun and I managed to eat a doughnut and drink a can of sprite while I was there so stomach was definitely on the mend.

We were staying at a friends house for the evening and pretty much as soon as we got there and were relaxing in the living room Alex started coughing a bit. We played some games and I could tell she was really tired, but we left to start driving at 8am so that wasn't a surpise. But at one point she leaned into me and I relaised she definitely had a bit of a temperature. My first immediate thought was hmm cough and fever, thats first covid signs, but I didn't wanna say anything in front of our friends. She woke me up a few times in the night by coughing but I'm a very light sleeper and it did just seem a bit like a random cough so i wasn't super concerned.

On the Sunday we visited my mum, then got some food for a little picnic and had that in the borders on our way home. She was really complaining about having a sore throat on the drive home and bought some cough sweets at a service station which seemed to help a bit. I did then mention to her that they were very much covid symptoms and she was like what crazy i've managed to avoid it for 4 and a half years tho.

When I got home I found Josie standing over 2 covid tests that were both negative and i was like girl??? turns out she'd had a sore throat for a few days and was just checking. I mentioned it to Alex like well at least it isn't covid from my house. On Monday I now had a sore throat and had previously given Alex all my cough sweets so she dropped some round for me along with some food I'd left at her house. I sort of jokingly gave her a box of covid tests as we have like 4 boxes and she didn't have any. Well, she took 2 and tested positive within like 2 mins of doing the test, and at this point i'm like for fucks sake I hate these tests but I guess I'll do one. Yup you guessed it, immediately positive as well.

Texted everyone I'd seen over the weekend to let them know, Alex was so upset about it all especially since we'd seen so many people. Everyone had the same welp its going around isn't it don't worry about it attitude. I was trying to figure out where we'd picked it up from, and the very obvious answer was the person Alex hooked up with. Cue a whole new guilt for Alex to feel over that entire situation. Of course because I was positive I was just waiting for Ash and Josie to test positive, and they did both on Thursday. As I said first time covid really isn't that bad, the worse part this time was the sore throat but apart from that is hasn't been bad. We fgured out Alex is only double vaccinated, not tripple so she's suffering a bit more but I'm over it already, it was only bad symptoms for 3 days for me, whereas Alex still has the typical symptoms but is getting over it.

So yup, we're the plague polycule but I should hopefully start texting negative soon so I can actually leave the house. I was hopinh to see Ellie and play some video games and just keep her company since she isn't doing good mental health wise but obviously covid put a stop to those plans. This coming week so far we're hopefully going to do some archery on Thursday since we've missed the last 2 weekends and we'll be missing this weekend and on Saturday we're doing wedding dress trying on stuff!
 
Well, very unexpedidly, both Josie and I picked our wedding dresses on Saturday! I went in there so set on buying a dress online and just trying them on. I thought Josie might fall in love with one, and she did, but it took literaly hours of trying on dresses for me to come around to the idea so fuck it we're both wearing white and our colour theme really is just the trans flag now haha.

Alex was on picture taking duty and omg she did so soooo well. she took over 100 pictures and videos, I then wittled that down to a huge 87! I made some little edits today as we didn't get a picture in our chosen dresses together, and its somewhat easier for Josie to show everyone at work when she's in the office tomorrow. Because I know you want to see pictures not me typing an essay, here's pictures!

453519519_518857047294978_1738300737474559779_n.jpg
454053295_8443856058958079_3924862581135995746_n.jpg
The obligitory picture with the sign and with everyone who was there

The edit ones I made don't want to attach so here's some highlights of the dresses!
454053295_389937103799538_1474180414840329944_n.jpg453548540_2343012482763880_4364110285310162104_n.jpg
455252748_2153850714995297_1959092011750113867_n.jpg455680763_470362535872411_4779293574068308728_n.jpg

455646082_1890334234771656_7936230277378586382_n.jpg454892541_1021571483085563_6241685384810943544_n.jpg
454029434_470344382650002_2839209492510412660_n.jpg455138715_1025808752515055_2354600944750968867_n.jpg

I don't have many pictures in my dress how I'm going to wear it as there was this cape we tried with a load of dresses that I just liked wearing because it was such fairy princess vibes, but I think this dress without it is amazing. The funny story is this is the first dress I tried on, we then tried on like 5 other dresses and every time I just kept saying I like it but the first was my favourite so far. So we went back to the first dress but in a size down with extra underskirts on for unltimate poofyness and yeah. We did a sort of walking in the dress bit and i was just watching myself in the mirror like fuck this is it this has to be the dress. my mum also just lost it and cried the whole time I was in it and I already said the goal for the wedding is to make as many people as possible cry so that was the sign this is the one! I was so good and didn't cry until I said yes to the dress then got a lil teary eyed. Alex is denying it, but she took a picture to prove she also got teary eyed when I said yes.

So rip our budget, but we have dresses!
 
There's been a lot going on, and I've felt a bit overwhelmed to try write it all down, but the longer I put it off the more I have to write about.

Although it is many months away, I got a deposit put in for mine and Josie's first dress-altering appointment. I emailed back and forth with the place asking some questions. i believe it was the owner who was messaging. She seemed very excited at the prospect of having both of us in with our dresses at the same time. It was supposed to be a £25 deposit per appointment, but she just let me pay one set of that and booked it was a double appointment. So that's nice. The website gives a breakdown of prices, but I don't really understand what exactly will be needing done to the dresses except for a hem lift. The website does say, on average, dress alternations cost about £300-£500, so to keep that aside. I currently have this budgeted at £800 for us both. As far as I know, I should only need maybe one more thing done to my dress, other than the hem lift.

I literally was organising all this while I was travelling with Alex to visit her parents, which omg it took up 9 hours to do a like 5 hour drive! traffic was absolutely insane. we agreed next year when we visit we're not going to go on that weekend, as everyone had the same idea and it was horrendous. We were prepared for it to be terrible on the way back, but we actually got back way quicker than expected. so... yeah, just on the way there was crazy busy, for some reason. It was nice as usual to see her parents. Alex's sister also came over to visit, so we did some days out all together. it was really good fun.

Now for a crazy thing. I know I've lost a lot of weight, but omg, these are a year apart, same spot, still loving the cows. Looking back, I'm honestly really freaked out how much weight I had on me. I'm so much happier with how I look now. It's made my self confidence issues so much better.
370624521_2019956485020019_4397912740297473879_n.jpg456716999_476223271905158_394097827375143686_n.jpg

A few days after we got back from visiting her parents, Alex and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary! I had said previously that what I really wanted from her was a card, as she'd never given me one, because in her eyes, you only send someone a card when you can't see them in person. I fully expected her just to go out and buy like a cheap card from a card shop. Well, this was waiting for me when I got to hers that day.
456723662_500730955937766_156855813914324227_n.jpg

Of course, I teased her about the fact that she used a jiffy bag instead of an envelope. Then it became very apartment why she'd done that!
456426044_902127771759086_1033171695868505837_n.jpg455808582_1020443742865531_8711393410157170941_n.jpg
She made me a card! I told her I really wanted a bracelet that tracked a manatee (I've bought her a bunch of them for different animals), and not only did she get me that, but she drew my manatees that are in love! It's an inside joke, I guess? Whenever we shoot arrows that are right next to each other, I say they're in love. I was so blown away by this card. it was so sweet. And then, omg, I had sent her the link to my wish list a few weeks before, just to send her it, and she not only bought me something off it, but she bought me the BIGGEST available size!
455270371_491863466798587_7410955904303119023_n.jpg
Her name is Strudel (named by Ash) and she is quite possibly the softest cow I own. She's currently staying at Alex's and although Alex won't admit it, I keep finding Strudel in the bed when I come over. so she's definitely been cuddling her for me, which is soooo cute! My plushie pile at Alex's is now overflowing from beside the bed to on the bed, but there's no complaints... yet. :p

The other week Alex and I took Josie on a surprise aquarium date. We've been talking about wanting to go for ages, but it's a pain to get to by public transport, but luckily Alex was up for it. So we all went there for the day. We all had lots of fun seeing all the creatures, and then afterwards went back to Alex's, where we played rockband, and yeah, just had a really nice day.
459271926_558698966726051_3854669301631900073_n.jpg

Onto the main sad event, I guess. Josie's granddad sadly passed away about a few weeks ago. we attended his funeral on Tuesday and yeah, it's hit Josie pretty hard. It's her first loss in the family, which honestly, she's done pretty well to get to 30 before losing anyone. He hasn't been good for a long time, and then had a stroke 5 years ago, so it's just been slowly going downhill from there. I'm really struggling with how to be there and be supportive just now, honestly, because I just keep myself busy and get on with things, whereas Josie has not been to work for like the last 2 weeks, basically. I'm worried about her job security and, of course, just about her. but yeah, I'm struggling to relate at all, because I never needed time off. I just got on with it and had moments where I allowed myself to grieve in private.

I have had a lot of very irrational anxiety and all the people dying thing hasn't helped. I was really triggered by something this week and I am so upset at myself for feeling like this. Basically, a few weeks ago Alex was supposed to go on a date with Ellie, which is no big deal, as I go on 'dates' with Ellie sometimes. I guess the main difference is I'm always respectful and cautious and treat it as friend time, unless Ellie makes a move first to, like, hold hands or whatever.

Alex always like kiss first and ask questions later, and she set this out that she's taking Ellie out because she wants her to know that she likes her more than just as someone to fuck. like she likes to be around her as friends too. I asked if it was a proper date, if she wanted to start dating, you know, just so we could be on the same page. and Alex yet again assured me she doesn't have the time or energy and she just wants to do things like I do with Ellie. So then, I am very confused when Alex starts talking about how she's going to bring Ellie back to hers to fuck her. I understand that they both like sex, but it just does not compute in my brain that you want to take someone out as a friend, then cross that line??? It's not that I have an issue with it, it just seems, idk, a bit weird. but whatever, not my place to say.

Anyway, Alex was very peopled out and canceled the other week so she could have a self-care day. I was texting both her and Ellie that day and they both had said it's fine, they'll rearrange for some other time. This is where this week with everything going on I get very overwhelmed and yeah... triggered is the correct word here. On, like, Thursday, Alex was texting me, asking me if I wanted to make plans for a thing and I suggested we could do it on Sunday, as we already had stuff to do on Saturday. and that's when she tells me she already has plans on Sunday with Ellie. This would have been totally okay if I hadn't been texting Ellie this week asking to make plans, which obviously did not end up happening. I got really freaked out why they would hide this from me, and why they both just didn't tell me they had planned this, when I was trying to make plans with either of them. Obviously, looking at it now, I can see it isn't a big deal. But in the moment, it brought back all those horrible feelings of betrayal of Alex not telling me her plans and traveling to see that person. I was upset, and really irrationally anxious about their date now, because I had all those feelings of hurt attached to it, and the worry that they were both hiding it from me, for some reason.

Today they're spending the day together and like, it's fine. I don't feel bad about it. Just have a little FOMO, as I wanna go out and do fun things with people I like. I guess it also just felt extra crappy because I was trying to make plans with both of them to do fun things this week, but none of the plans worked out, and instead I've spent the week having to deal with grief and sad feelings in my household, and just haven't had a break from that.

Hoping next week is a better week. I have some exciting stuff happening in the next weeks, so hopefully that will make everything seem a bit brighter.
 
So some very unexpected things have happened in the last few weeks and I wasn't sure exactly when to write about them so fuck it here we go:

Ash has a new girlfriend! Ash often goes out to local music gigs and when I'd written on our calandar like 2 weeks ago(?) that I was busy on sunday she had said she was going to a gig and had a date for it that day. She didn't really say much to me and didn't show me the girl which honestly is a bit weird and she's usually quite open and loves showing me cute people she's matched with, but we both had quite a busy week and we weren't in the house a lot together so it wasn't that unusual.

This is sort of linked so I'll mention it quickly before continuing on this story. Obviously, I've known Ellie for literally like an entire year now and as I mentioned in my last update I care for her a lot and really just want to be there for her as she always has a lot going on. We have before obviously flirted and slept together a lot and I have teased the idea of us having a more formal d/s relationship sort of thing but have never made a commitment to it until we spent a big portion of the night a few weeks ago chatting about it and it sort of started as me joking about how funny it would be if she had to keep a reward chart so she'll actually look after herself. This very much morphed into trying out a sort of mix of a d/s and cg/l dynamic thing to force her to actually look after herself and if she does then she gets rewards which are things she can do with me. we've been trying this out for a few weeks and it seems to be going well, I have fun with Ellie and like the crazy thing is she definitely likes me a lot more than a friend (this was obvious to everyone but me, as usual) but we both don't want a commited relationship, so a fun kink dynamic is where we're at just now.

Anyway, I got back from spending the day with Ellie on Sunday evening (If anyone remembers monthsss ago I said Alex and I wanted to take her on a date to korean bbq place, well I finally did it and like it didn't matter is was just us two) and upon getting home Josie was in the living room as usual watching anime stuff and I thought it was just her in the house when I heard voices upstairs. I asked Josie and she was like oh yeah Ash is in with her date because their gig got cancelled. Ash and said date then appear downstairs as it turns out ash had ordered food for everyone and because she was too busy talking to her date she didn't check our group chat so she didn't know when I was coming home.

I'm already feeling a bit left out at this point as everyone now has food and I don't but I'm a big girl I can make my own stuff. Then I get to chat a bit with Ash's date (We're naming her Kari, because of what I've seen over the last week alone is anything to go by there is nre hell happening just now) kari was really fun and cool to talk to and like I only got to talk to her for a few minutes but I was like oh she's so cute and fun I wanna be friends I wanna hang out with them. Her and Ash had gone back upstairs to eat in her room and I texted Ash asking if I could just like hang out with them for a bit because like honestly I was just feeling a bit off about the day as things with Ellie had felt a bit weird (turns out she was just really tired and died a bunch in a game we played so was in a bad mood and thats why the vibes were off) and Josie was doing her own thing and I just wanted to interact with people. Well Ash didn't see the message so I went upstairs to just sort of see what was going on.

And here is where we get onto another wonderful annecdote of: Why do all my partners forget the rules we've previouly set out for the polycule~ Seriously, I have never heard such loud sex in my life. Our basic polycule rules we set up years ago were don't have sex with people in the house when others are in as its a little weird and disrespecftful to have to hear it. It went on for so long and like I could hear it from downstairs and I was just like so uncomfortable about the whole thing. I don't have an issue with Ash sleeping with people, it was that it was so loud like not even attempting to be quiet loud and that is like a rule we've had in place for so long. Kari ended up staying over after that and stayed until like at least 1pm the next day so I just sort of hid in my office and got on with work but I just felt so like trapped in my own house because I was trying to give them space to be together but that meant I couldn't leave the room because they were going between a bunch of rooms doing stuff.

After she left Ash did come to chat to me and we talked over some stuff. She apologised as she said she didn't know the no sex rule was a thing and I was like come on seriously? I'm considering if I need to go over our base rules with everyone and write them on our whiteboard in the kitchen at this point. At least if they have had sex again I haven't heard it so I guess that talk did something.

Last week Ash went to dinner and a movie with kari and came back afterwards which was all fine, then on Thursday she had a day off and asked me if Kari could come back to the house to just like hang out for a bit. Obviously I told her she doesn't have to ask me just let me know so I can prepare to make myself sparce. On Thursday I had already arranged to play a game with Alex so I was busy for the evening anyway and had had a big lunch so by the time Ash made dinner for everyone (about 8 which is super late for our houshold) I didn't join them and just played the game with Alex instead. At about 9pm Ash comes into my office to ask if Kari can stay over and I sort of teased her like oooh 2 dates in one week and now she's staying over and Ash looked very bashful and told me Kari had asked her to be her girlfriend.

The next day Ash told me kari had blurted out that she loved her after sex. Which like yeah valid and funny as hell honestly. I was just like on the third date damn what did you do to her. Im sure a lot of people will see that as like a red flag for it to be going that fast but it isn't my place to say anything that's for sure.

I saw Ellie on Sunday and we went to a halloween themed munch where I met A LOT of people. Oh yeah, turns out I'm way more blind than i thought I was so I have glasses now and I looked hot AF for the munch. Here a pic of my outfit, and of Ellie and I because I don't think I've posted any pictures of her yet.
462578036_932552275398599_5196596739983566016_n.jpg462545567_1225444215406023_3523404478891309443_n.jpg

When making plans Ellie had mentioned if I wanted to stay over I could so because public transport on a Sunday here is shitty I did stay over and we had a really nice chill time anyway. Her reward she'd choosen for the previous week was a movie night so we watched a cute film she picked and she made me some ramen for dinner and then a nice hot chcolate with marshmallows later. I always feel a bit nervous and worried about seeing Ellie as she is like the untilmate sub meaning I have to be a dom/top with her and especially after a long week I do not have the energy to get into that headspace at all. But, as usual with her, she never expects anything and if all we do is cuddle and be cute that's fine and it is helping slowly make me feel a bit less worried about all that.

On Monday morning Ash had texted the group chat to say Kari will be coming over at midday to hang out while Ash gets her chores done. On Mondays Josie works from home and its usually a busy work day for me so i knew we'd all be in. However, due to having a hell of a wait to get a hair cut I didn't even end up getting home until past 2pm. Ash and Kari were in the living room and I decided after I'd gotten my work done I'd go sit in there and if they wanted to chat they could but I wasn't gonna hide away for my whole day just to give them space in our communial space.

Ash didn't want to make dinner and kari had offered to buy them dinner so I was yet again left to fend for myself which feels shitty. In our house if you're on dinner you either make dinner or you get everyone food as its your turn to provide so for this to have happened twice recently I was feeling pretty annoyed but logically its the end of the month and like kari was paying for that, I couldn't expect expect anything from her. Luckily I still have Huel left and thats what I'm living off just now. After dinner we all chatted a lot and yeah kari is really fun and I would like to be freinds. I flirted a little bit with her because well its fun but I doubt anything will happen. I was doing it very jokingly as honestly I rememebred Ash saying that when she dates people she doesn't want me in on it because I have a habit of accidentally stealing the show and becoming the centre of attention because well my personality is just like that.

It was honestly kinda weird hanging out with them because they were both so cuddly and cute and I was just sat in my arm chair like ah yeah i have to be over here I guess because I can't get in on that. Ash also just like would fefer to kari as her gf but wouldn't refer to me as her gf and I was like??? It was honestly just weird and I did call it out in a joking way like oh have I been downgraded or upgraded. Ash had made is very very clear Kari was just coming over for a few hours to hang out and definitely wasn't staying over. Well you know what happened, but Ash had work at 10am so they both left around 9 the next day so she wasnt here for like an entire day like the pervious times
 
We had a catch up after work yesterday where I explained my feelings to Ash and she told me that I had the idea of I couldn't date her partners wrong, when she'd said that she was frustrated because she'd bought Amelia home to sleep with like literally a year ago we'd had a threesome and she was frustrated that I had been involved so she didn't want me to be as she felt she wasn't good enough and others were only sleeping with her because I was involved. She also said I could come cuddle if I felt left out but I was like thats your time with your gf I don't want to ruin it and she was like but I could be cuddling both my girlfriends how is this a bad situation. We also talked about the her not calling me her gf thing and she basically said she feels awkward and doesn't know what to call me because I'm basically her wife without the legal bit and I was like call me your wife then stupid.

Moving on to upcoming things!

- My friend Alex is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow. We're going to celebrate halloween and make Alex's house super cute and halloweeny as thats where Alex will be staying (Too many Alex's, I know)
- On Saturday our bridal party are all getting together to try on bridesmaid dresses, and then we're going to a suit fitting appointment for Ash to ger her suit for the wedding
- On Sunday we're gonna have a hugeeee friend meet up at my house where we're all gonna roast marshmallows on the fire pit and try out the cupcakes we're going to get for the wedding. Its going to be the full polycule (Me, Josie, Ash, Alex, Callie and Rach) and then Ellis and Iona will be there, and so will Ellie and my friend Alex. This is basically so Alex and Ellie can meet people that will be at the wedding so no one will have to awkwardly stand alone before the cermeony

A few more things are happening after that but that can be for the next update. I shall leave you on this picture of my other pair of glasses I got!
462538303_526717283568757_8392845767351251817_n.jpg
 
I had a blast while friend Alex was visiting. We did a load of fun stuff. Bridesmaid dresses were tried on, and they all look so cute in them! Alex seemed a lil uncomfortable, but she's never worn a proper like floor-length dress before, so it was just a new thing. Pictures below of me trying to get Alex to smile, and Alex and Josie's sister thinking this is hilarious.
Untitled.jpgbdn.jpg

We also got Ash fitted for her suit. It cost a lot more than the dresses did, but now she has a proper suit for events. So it was a purchase that needed to be made. Trying to get pictures of her was more awkward, because we were in a shop, and she doesn't really like posing for pictures. But I got this one! The inside of the jacket has a really nice deathhead moth pattern, which is soooo her.
rthfhg.jpg

After we were done with Ash's suit fitting, Josie went home so she could catch up on chores and make the house look good for our get-together the next day. Ash stayed with me and the Alexes for dinner. Then when we were about to start playing board games for the evening, Ash decided to head home. After Ash left, we played games and had a few drinks, which quickly turned into us all getting pretty drunk, and we had what i can only describe as a teenage piss-up, where we went for a walk at 2 am very drunk and just had a lot of fun. Our night was pretty dramatic, with friend Alex falling into a bush that was spiky. She got really scratched up on her legs and I had to go rescue her from it. After getting her cleaned up, we finally got to sleep for the night, all cuddled up in Alex's bed at like 7 am. I've never had a wild night out like that, so it was very very exciting, and getting to be all cuddly with my favourite people afterwards was also very good.

I managed to completely avoid a hangover, but Alex was very very rough. Friend Alex was hungover, but slightly better, but Alex was bad to the point of we had to be at my house for 6pm for friend hangout, she didn't get out of bed until 5:30. So, as you can imagine, the friend hangout already wasn't off to a great start with them absolutely dying.

We ended up with us just being the polycule plus Alex and Ellie, as other friends couldn't make it. It was a nice time. We sat around the firepit roasting marshmallows and chatting. Alex was immediately super cuddly to Ellie, and like was pretty much glued to her while outside, which like was okay. We were all sitting in the circle so it wasn't too bad. It became a problem when the fire died and we moved inside.

Ellie and Alex decided that, even though there were enough seats, they'd share a seat to sit on, and basically just spent the whole night making out. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable and tried to jokingly break it up, and instead they both just pulled me into their lap and started trying to make out with me instead.

I was super uncomfortable at this point and definitely should have said something, but I didn't want to make a big deal of this and like make it look like I was jealous. I definitely was not jealous. I was weirded out by the fact we were in a group setting, hanging out as friends, and even if they didn't mean to make it inherently sexual, they did. I got really in my own head, because like the most Alex does with me in a group setting is hold my hand, and here she was with Ellie fully like making out and feeling her up. Luckily, friend Alex is someone who says what she's thinking, and lost her shit and had a cry, because it was all too much and she just wanted to get out of there. I very quickly agreed and helped her get into the car before going back to say bye to everyone else.

In the car, I checked up on her to see if she was okay now, out of the situation of new people and everyone just coupling up, and she very harshly said yeah it sucked, but I didn't help it by letting them continue and joining in. At this point I was feeling really shitty and upset, because she was right. If I had stopped it, and when they tried to pull me in to make out, told them no, it wouldn't have been such a shitty situation. Alex didn't say anything on it until I tried to talk about it that night when we'd all gone to bed.

I basically just said it's not okay in group settings to be like that. And her defence was she hadn't seen Ellie in like 2 weeks, so of course she was going to be overly clingy. I think we got our wires a bit crossed, and we were both exhausted, honestly, so it wasn't the time to talk about it. But she took me bringing this up as me saying she shouldn't be able to be like that with other people and that I was jealous. The next day, after friend Alex had gone home, we talked about it again over text and she seemed a lot of receptive to what I was saying, especially when I mentioned how pissed off Ash and Josie were about it too. So it wasn't just like a I'm jealous of them issue. Josie literally apologised to her partners for it because it was so awkward, and Ash was really annoyed and ready to tell them they should go hook up somewhere, because that's obviously what they wanted.

I brought this up to Ellie as well, as obviously it was both of them. She basically just said she didn't realise it was bad and that it felt pretty normal. But as I'm learning with Ellie's friends, they're all very open and just make out with whoever they want when they hang out. So I guess that's just normal to her. Either way, I made it clear to both her and Alex that it's a private thing, and it made me really uncomfortable to have to see that and be dragged into it. Alex seemed actually apologetic, but I still felt a bit dismissed by the overall vibe from both of them.

I'm realising I have A LOT to update on, and I'm going to run out of words in this one.
 
So the next week, I had a date with Ellie where I took her to a cat cafe, as she'd never been before! I had basically made plans with Alex to have dinner with her friend, as he was in our city for work, but that wasn't until 7. So I met up with Ellie at like 12 midday to see her. She had a assumed we'd do what we usually do, which is hang out in town for a while before going back to hers. But since I had plans at 7 I didn't want to be going back and forth between places. So I hoped she'd just sort of hang out with me until I had to go. Sadly, she hadn't slept great the night before, so she was pretty tired and by like 5 she was so dead. We ended up going for coffee, then to the place she works to get alcohol and energy drinks, She stayed vaguely awake and made a big thing about not abandoning me. So she stayed with me until I had to go meet Alex and her friend for dinner. It was definitely not what she'd wanted, but we both had fun and arranged to have a date that is just cuddles and cozyness now that it's getting cold af outside.

Dinner with her friend was good. I've spoken to him when we've played games together, but never met him in person. We had dinner. It turns out he lived here for awhile before covid hit, so knew the local places. I suggested we go to a cheap pub to have some drinks and hang out more. Now, we were a few drinks in, and I decided that I should just have a good time and drink, and hey, maybe Alex would take me home and we'd have nice drunk sex. However, what sober Kitty and drunk Kitty plan are very separate things. I found out her friend was single and casually dating a girl, but they were seeing other people, so it wasn't anything serious. He was a bit flirty with me and I took a hold of that and ran. By the time we left the place, we were all very drunk. I apparently was feeling very brave, because I just started talking very openly about how I had a dream that we'd all slept together and it would be hot if they both fucked me. Well, he had a hotel room nearby, and I was so out of it we lost several hours. But I sobered up at about 6am very suddenly, and was like, Oh, I'm sleeping with both of them. Okay yeah sure, that checks out.

Alex had a meeting at work at 9:30. So we left his hotel room at like 8 to get the bus home. Friend seemed a bit awkward and weird because they are like childhood friends, but we all agreed it was a fun time and there were no hard feelings. We talked a bit more about it later over text and bless, he just had a lot of anxiety. But I assured him everything was great and he was fun to hang out with. Guess I can tick off got drunk and slept with someone in a hotel room? He and Alex just seemed really into it and it was fun to watch. Honestly, I don't really have any other feelings on it other than that.

This now brings us to the other week. It was Ellie's birthday! (If you remember this time last year, I had just met up with Ellie for the first time and she'd gotten me a birthday present, and I fell a tiny bit in love with her. More on that later.) We had joked that since she'd never been to Ikea and had the famous meatballs, we would take her for her birthday. So we did. However, due to our plans for later that night, she very much ended up in a not Ikea-appropriate outfit. And she'd spent like the last week smoking weed every night with her friend who was staying with her. So she was a bit uncomfortable and out of it for the Ikea trip. She worded it afterwards as she was holding on to Alex's and my hands for dear life, feeling like she was in some wild fever dream. Apparently that's just the Ikea experience.

So it was already off to a bit of a rough start. And then, well, that night didn't go as planned. Due to our kink dynamic, and the whole reward chart thing I'm doing with her, for one of the rewards I'd suggested it it could be something like Alex and I dom her. (She is the ultimate sub.) But I made it very clear this wasn't me dictating she would only sleep with us when I say. It's more like we'd all try particular things in bed and try a special scene. I had a good plan for this, okayed it all with Alex beforehand, and told Ellie what she needed to bring for the night. Everyone seemed very excited about this. But as you can probably tell, it didn't go to plan.

It started off well enough. She had her collar on, and I had Alex tie her hands behind her back. I had said to Alex she can either be my mean partner in crime/dom sort of deal, or she could wear her collar and just do as I say, and dom Ellie that way. She chose the latter, so I essentially had 2 of them to deal with. I am not a confident dom at all. In fact, I get very insecure. And dom drop is a huge thing for me. I should have known this was too big a task. But it was Ellie's birthday, and she'd been doing so well with looking after herself, that I wanted to try be what she wanted.

Basically, Ellie and Alex had gone on a date a few days before, and Ellie had broken 2 rules during this. So I had warned her that although tonight was for her, it was also a punishment. Hence the hands being tied. Then I did something which was sexy in my head. I didn't think about how it would actually come across, and instead Ellie just felt very hurt and upset.

We definitely had a fun night. But I slept in the middle of the bed, and well, Alex is a sex pest. So in the middle of the night, when I tried to make out with Ellie, Alex was on me and fucked me about it. I felt it was pretty equal attention, apart from that part. As usual, Alex got the most orgasms. But Ellie still got a few and we had good cuddles. But apparently, nope, Ellie did not think of it this way.

This is the point where I should say after we had freed her hands she brought out poppers and started taking them. (I learned later that poppers and weed mixed makes depression symptoms, and in general, bad feels a lot worse.) She did seem a lot more distant and not really into it after she took them. But I checked in and she said she was fine every time. So I thought maybe I was just imagining it.

In the morning she admitted she felt really left out and hurt last night and that we didn't pay any attention to her. I was a bit shocked because, well, we didn't do anything outside of what usually happens. We just added in some proper bdsm rules and roles, and it was only for a short while. I made sure to try make her feel as good as I could about it, but she still seemed pretty down when we took her home (which, funnily enough, was so she could attend therapy, so at least she got to talk about it more).

I was supposed to spend the rest of the day with her, and meet her friend who was staying with her. But I felt kinda weird after she told me that, and really, I had a lot of work to do. So I just said I was busy and would see her on Saturday for her birthday drinks that we'd already agreed to go to. The more I thought about all this, the more upset I became, as it very much felt like I was being attacked and blamed since Alex had more sex with me. But it was literally just because I was beside her, and the exact same thing happens with Ellie when she sleeps in the middle. I think I felt the most upset because I had made a huge deal of this, and sent a bunch of messages to Ellie trying to reassure her and let her know we both still like her a lot, no matter how she feels. I know that when I've felt the same, and brought it up before, no one has made an effort. I was just really upset about the whole situation. Things continued to be tense until that evening, when Ellie started messaging me totally normally, like nothing had happened at all.

The important thing to mention here is that morning when she'd first mentioned this, and I was trying to make her feel better, I'd obviously said I cared about her a lot. I said I already refer to her as my not-gf, and honorary member of the polycule, and the only reason I'm doing that is because I didn't want to deal with the gf label. But it's basically what we are. So I said she can call me her gf, but she is a more casual partner. She seemed very chill and okay about that, so I think we're all good on that front.

The night of her birthday drinks, Ellie, who was pretty drunk at this point, sort of cornered Alex and was like, Hey, Kitty is my gf, so since you go on dates with me, does that mean you are too?? (I had been teasing Alex about how Ellie had accidentally become her gf the other day, so this was hilarious to me.) Alex was just like, Huh, I guess I am cool. I have 2 gfs. Dream come true. We had a lot of emotional drunk talks about how triads are the easiest way to fall into toxic behaviours. So we agreed we will continue as we are, but we definitely want to hang out and go on more dates, the 3 of us, where it doesn't end in sex, as well as continue to do one-on-one stuff as we have been.
 
Exciting part of the night: I got to make out with Ellie's friend who I met a few months ago and have been thinking about since. Alex, of course, had to one up me and make out with her several times. (The on-going joke is Alex is not helping the allegations that she's a sex pest.) I made a big point to Alex before we went out that we were going to be very polite and not horny. Drunk Alex does not follow these rules, but I found out she was a lot more drunk than I thought. I basically refused to stay out all night again, so forced us to get a bus home at like 11pm. I was a lil drunk, but not that much. Turns out Alex does not remember getting home, so she was totally black out.

So as it stands now, I have 4 partners, but like we're all adults and can talk about things. Ellie is totally fine seeing me once a week/once every second week. Nothing has changed apart from the label. It was my birthday last Thursday and I had her and Alex over, with obviously Ash and Josie being there too. Alex bought all the party food and snacks, and even bought me a cow cake, as i love cows and she said it had to be done. (I ended up with 2 cakes because of this.) Which like was really nice of her. But I guess for the last 2 years I have thrown her a party. The big thing behind this year is all year every year I plan everyone else's birthday parties and then always have to plan my own too. So Alex and Josie made sure they planned everything and didn't let me do any of it. It was really nice and I really appreciate all the effort everyone put into it.

I was supposed to be meeting Ellie for lunch, with Ash and Josie, but she had therapy and couldn't reschedule. So she just came over for the party in the evening. She got me such cute gifts. Everyone got me really cute gifts and I felt very loved.

The most important part of the night though!!! I finally got a picture with the full polycule. I've been trying to do this for the past 2 years!
I will leave this very long update on that.
467751091_8961962430528209_689377414856642178_n.jpg467726375_8961962890528163_2565887350039806694_n.jpg
 
Back
Top