Kitty's journey into all things poly

Well, time for the monthly update!

My disciplinary meeting at work went okay. Got my first written warning for having 5 absences in a 12 month period, but its kinda a good thing actually because it finally kicked my ass into gear and made me go to the doctors about some issues. I had to give all sorts of samples and get blood taken a few weeks ago do they could do tests and then even had some fun ultrasounds at the hospital last week. I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday so hopefully something has come of all these tests.

It's my birthday on Thursday and so far plans have already fallen apart a little bit. Church has recently been promoted to a team leader at work so any days off he had booked got canceled due to team leaders being on a different sort of scheduling so yeah he can't get Thursday off now. I will admit I was really upset last night when he told me, but I'm feeling kinda okay now. Corn and Squeak should still be coming over at about 1pm so we can can all just hang out or do something until Church finishes work at 6. I don't know if anyone is gonna stay over anymore which I'm sad about but oh well I guess getting to spend a bit of time with them is what counts.

Corn and I have started a d&d club at work which so far has been fun. scheduling conflicts are an absolute nightmare for it and by the looks of it unless people are willing to come into work for it on their days we might be only able to meet up to play every 3 weeks. When we do all manage to get together though, its good fun.

I tried to run a character creation session the other week and only 1 person made it which honestly I'm glad for. Squeak decided to invite herself along as she wanted to help me with having 4 newbies making characters since she's an experienced player. I was all for this and happy for her to be there until the session actually started and she honestly was a bit of a pain. She completely too it over and led it when it was supposed to be my thing. I was trying to like chip in with helpful stuff and rules every so often and squeak would acknowledge what I'd said then correct me and say she didn't like the way I'd said it and to do things her way. About an hour in i was incredibly pissed off and feeling rather betrayed by it all.

I talked to Ash about it when I got in that night and Ash just sort of shrugged it off and understood why i was upset but said i should have said something and called Squeak out. I hate conflict, especially with people I'm close to so didn't, and then felt even worse about it all after talking with ash because i started started blaming myself for it all. Corn was there with me when she took over it all so when i talked to him he at least understood it a bit more and admitted to feeling the same way so that helped things a bit.

Honestly, Squeak has been kinda mean recently and like that was just one of things that stood out the most. She's said several things and is becoming very up herself and acting like she knows everything, especially when it comes to d&d which is very frustrating. It's gotten tot he point where i was telling Ash and Josie something about what she'd said the other day and they both said that the ways she's been acting recently has petty much killed their crushes on her, to which i agree because it's definitely killed mine.

Apart from all the Squeak drama things have been pretty okay. Work is still a a pain but its customer service so like of course it is. Corn came out to me out of the blue at work the other day which was surprising but not a huge shock, especially after the other week when he told me if he wasn't with his girlfriend he would probably have a bf by now. and then yup the other day he said he definitely wasn't straight and just likes everyone. It was so casual and not a big deal which i think is why i didn't feel the need to make a big deal out of it. We can now make all the jokes on how Church our token straight guy friend in the group now haha.

Nothing else really to report so i'll leave it there for today.
 
Giving an update now because oh boy I realised some stuff I just have to talk about.

So first of all, my doctors appointment got me official diagnoses of severe IBS and PCOS, neither which I was surprised at. I was hoping there would be something a little bit more than ibs going on to explain stomach stuff, but yup turns out its just that and every so often it hits really hard and for some reason seems to sync up with periods. Weird as hell but meh bodies are weird. My doctors was actually really good and gave me a whole thing to read on different medications that can help and pointed out CBT therapy and antidepressants can really help, I don't feel too bad about it all really.

On Thursday for my birthday it started off kinda badly with both Corn and Squeak being an hour late, and when they eventually did get here and we settled down to do a bit of my d&d campaign no one was paying attention and just messing about, it was very frustrating and not fun honestly. When church got here everyone seemed more chill and er all settled down and played Ash's campaign which honestly made up for how badly it went earlier because it was amazing.

squeak had to leave at like half 8 since she was traveling early the next day, but the rest of them stayed and we literally just had like 2 hours of a session completely in character. I don't think I can explain exactly why it was so great, it was just nice and chill and just a really good time. No one ended up staying over but Corn and Church stayed late enough so like It didn't feel greatly cut short of anything.

For my birthday my mum bought me some nice boots, Squeak got my some bathbombs from Lush, Church got me a cool book, Ash bought me some nice purple dice (purple is my fave colour) and Josie got my a pin to put on my work lanyard and some more stuff from Lush.

On Friday Ash ran a oneshot at the local shop and this girl who's been to a few of our games before was there. From the moment I met her I was drawn to her and if my character is the type she'll always flirt with her character. So i very much enjoyed the oneshot and getting to see her (we'll nickname her Chance) After the game Ash bought me some more dice as she felt bad that she didn't get me enough for my birthday, so yay more dice!

When we got home I added Chance on facebook and talked with Ash and Josie about how i absolutely have a crush on her. Like in my mind I've always thought you have to get to know someone before you have a crush but nope I am crushing so incredibly hard on this girl. She's just so cute and fun and oh god I am really gay for her its so weird how this has just come to light so suddenly.

I realised that towards the end of November/December I seem to get in the mood for adding to relationships. I met Chlo in December 2 years ago, and then of course we made it official with Ash at the start of December last year, I don't know if its a coincidence or not but still sort of weird. Ash is so incredibly chill about this and is now just talking about how she also thinks Chance is adorable and would fit right in with us, to which Josie also agreed that she's had a bit of a crush on her as well.

I don't know exactly what to think of it all, I just know that before now i was very happy with my girls and wasn't looking to add anyone else, but now I'm not so sure and maybe we have room for 1 more. But honestly who knows, its just a crush and for all i know she could be straight and super mono.

I plucked up the courage to message her today and we've been chatting on and off for the last few hours about d&d. Even if i just make a friend out of this I'll be happy, but until then guess I'm just gonna be crushing away on her.
 
I've been meaning to update here for awhile but every time I've come here I've just not had the energy too. I honestly feel a little bit embarrassed for posting that last update and freaking out about a crush which honestly has sadly turned out to be nothing. I talked to Chance a lot, like every day for at least 2 weeks, and in that time we figured out we had even more in common, but she also let me know she's happily single and asexual and that put me off. I found myself more falling into 'this is a nice friend but like if she hit on me I would be happy' sort of thing. The crush is still there a tiny bit, but it isn't overwhelming like it was before. She also like disappeared for a few weeks over December and that definitely put me off even more. She came back and explained herself, but I still felt a bit weird about it all, so yeah not really trying to pursue that any longer.

Christmas was nice enough. We went to Josie's mum's house to see some of her family on Christmas eve, and then we spent Christmas day just the three of us in the house which honestly I preferred to going to see any family. I got a load of cool presents from both my girls, mostly d&d stuff which I won't bore you all with. We had a lovely dinner, played some monopoly begrudgingly since Josie loves it, and even played a bit of d&d to pass the time which was fun haha.

New year didn't really feel that exciting since I was working through it all, I felt I hadn't had any time off so as soon as I got my holiday hours back at the start of the month a booked a week off and oh god I needed it. I had 7 whole days off which was amazing! I've gotten back into writing a little bit and am currently writing a novel adaptation of Ash's campaign (Here is anyone wants to read :p) so I spent a lot of time writing and just getting to chill out, played an unhealthy amount of the sims, but mostly just got to have some well needed time off.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. Ash made a comment about something she remembered reading on my okcupid profile so I logged on to see if it was still on there/clear up the confusion. While I was logged on I thought I may as well check my messages and sure enough there was a message asking about my writing and such. So I replied to the girl, checking out her profile and finding out she's trans and lives like 93 miles away or something. She's a bit further away than I would like, but I was more just replying because hey friends are always nice. So I'm chatting with her, flirting a little bit and she seems to be really into it. I got her number and we've been messaging back and forth for a few days now and I'm possibly gonna meet up with her somewhere slightly closer in like 2 weeks time. Ash also has been chatting to her a little bit but not as much as I have. I'm taking Ash with me, you know, just in case she turns out to be a pyscho or something and have my own place to stay if it doesn't work out so I'm totally aware I'm rushing into things but I'm also being safe.

She's also really kinky and convinced me to finally make a fetlife, which yeah that's and interesting place. For a while with Josie I was really excited about kink and the dynamics but as she started to lose interest in sex and now at the point where we don't have sex at all I don't have any kink in my life really. Ash does a little bit with me, but I have felt it's been a bit lacking. She's too scared to hurt me, and anything with major power dynamics she isn't super comfy with. So being back on there and seeing the community again I'm getting excited about it again and having to resist the urge to buy a shit ton of new day collars haha.

the best thing to come out of it is I found my co-worker on there, and found out her and her husband actually organise the local monthly munch. It's at the end of the month and I think I'm going to go but I'm quite nervous about it tbh. Josie is working through it and Ash finishes an hour into it so I'll be on my own for at least the first hour and a bit so yeah I'm a bit scared.

I think that's all the major stuff just now, I'll hopefully give you an update on if meeting okcupid girl happens and how it goes, if it gets beyond that I'll give her a nickname on here :p
 

DreadedRose

New member
I'm anxious to hear how it went with that okcupid girl.
 
I'm anxious to hear how it went with that okcupid girl.

Just an quick update! we're definitely meeting up for a fun date and overnight stay next Thursday and we're all eagerly counting down the days! its gonna be a nice little break and sort of holiday for me and ash, which makes the like £100 I'm spending on it a bit more worth it haha.

Both Ash and I have been talking with Okcupid girl a lot, like everyday and just getting to know her better, which has been great. I actually linked her this blog and she had a read of it so yeah, now she definitely knows a lot about me haha. Since we're both into similar kinks we've been discussing them and like with Ash stepping up to have a more domme role in our relationship I'm feeling pretty happy and ready to take on a cute sub once again. I've missed being able to actually be switchy and have this dynamic that i love so much behind it. So sort of discussed with okc girl if she would want to fill that role and she very much said she would. obviously we're waiting it out and seeing how us meeting goes, but i have good vibes about it!

In some more sad news though, corn got fired from work :( it couldn't have come at a worst time as well as he's literally just moved into his own place and only got this months paycheck and won't get any more pay as they messed up with his holidays and let him take more than he was entitled to so they're taking money off of him. Work seems to be at an all time low with everyone looking for new jobs and its so sad that bad management would do this to a place. The highers up also had the cheek to turn around and blame us for not meeting impossible standards. Our operations manger is nice though and bought us all in cake and doughnuts to try make everyone a bit happier yesterday.

The last week has been very lonely without corn there, i miss having someone to chat to. The only upside to this is I got a shit ton of etsy orders and got them all done because no one was distracting me at work. I got 3 bracelets done in like 5 hours yesterday which is a new record for me haha.

Anyway, I'll give you all an update on how our meeting goes next week!
 
Our meeting went awesome!

We met up at the train station and walked around for a bit, got some lunch, went to a few nerdy shops. Katie (okcupid girls upgraded name) She was very very nervous, she was just sort of lead us around not holding hands or anything, she was pretty much pulsating anxiety which i mean given the circumstances is fair. We did our wandering around, went to a cafe which was a cute lgbt+ place, a few nerdy shops, and then checked into the hotel at 3. We had just over 2 and a half hours for our 'fun'

She was still rather nervous with lost of nervous giggling but it subsided eventually and we all had a very good time. Ash and I had never had any sort of group sex before because of Josie not being into sex, so it was an experience for both us and we definitely loved it. I ended up in the middle of a big cuddle puddle and Katie kept saying it felt right which yeah i agreed with her it did feel right.

She left for the theatre and me and Ash had some time to reflect and catch up on how things were feeling, which basically was just we both like her but want to get to know her better before we get into a relationship. So as much as i hate dating, it's what we're doing.

Her show was incredible, probably one of the best shows I've been to in a long time. There was a hell of a lot of feminism and calling men out on their bullshit, which made me soooooo happy. Ash loved it too as she's very much interested in strikes and political stuff like that so her and Katie had fun discussing that afterwards. We all walked back to the hotel together, mostly all holding hands with me in the middle. Ash got a turn of getting to be in the middle because she loves being in the middle of hand holding haha.

When we got back to the hotel it was pretty late but they did a 24 hour pizza service so we ordered one of those and then just chatted int he room. We all got changed for bed and had a bit more fun. Ash went to sleep, Katie and I took a nap and woke up about an hour later and then kinda stayed awake for the next several hours, just chatting with the odd pause for more orgasms. I was certainly treated well, I think i counted about 6 for the day but I can't be sure :p

When we woke up we went for breakfast together which was nice. Katie was getting a bit down from the fact we had to leave but we still had a nice time. We went to the station for our train which got delayed by an hour so we had even more time to spend together, we ended up just spending that time in a pub with like one drink each just chatting and having a cuddle.

When our train finally arrived Katie waited on the platform until the train pulled off then sent a nice smooshy text about missing us already. it was so sweet, she's just so incredibly sweet.

So back to normal life now. We updated Josie on how it all went but she had her first therapy session a few days ago so she was a bit more distracted by that. She's looking forward to meeting Katie though! Katie is hopefully gonna come visit all 3 of us some time next month which yeah I can't wait for <3

All in all, it went really well and excited to see where this goes!
 
Well, I should have an excuse for not posting for so long, but really I don't. This is gonna be a big update as a lot has happened.

So, a week or so after my visit with Katie I started getting my usual non commitment issues as i like to call them, where i start worrying about not being official with someone and getting left behind when they find another partner. This all stems from the many mono relationships i've had over the years. I realised more recently when you're poly and date another poly person this really is not an issue. Anyway, I still freaked out about it a lot and ended up asking Katie out officially and so I then had 3 girlfriends, yay!

By this point its getting to the end of February and we were trying to figure out a schedule to see each other. We were going for every 2 weeks-ish if we could afford it and since i went to see her last time, she came to visit me. Now, this is where the problems start.

I've mentioned before but the way we have our house set up is Joise and I primarily sleep in the master bedroom in our super king size bed. Ash sometimes joins us in that bed as there is enough room but she has back problems and her mattress on her own bed helps her so she mostly sleeps in her own bed and i spend my nights normally spending two or so with Josie, and then two or so with Ash.

The first problem we encountered was where is Katie going to sleep as i don't have my own room. I thought Josie would be fine spending a few nights in Ash's room and that way if ash wanted to have some 'fun' with Katie and I we could have the big bed, but Josie was really not okay with this. She was adamant it was her bed and that if i was going to have another girlfriend i needed my own room.

It definitely hurt and came as a real shock to hear her say that because until now the general consensus was yeah we could add another gf to our polycule i'd be fine with that, which quickly shifted to no she's your girlfriend find your own space. I understand completely where she was coming from, but yeah it was a shock to hear.

Anyway, Ash said we could have her room and then when Katie actually got here (Late after work and she was tired from traveling as a load of things went wrong and hours got added to her journey) Ash spent the night in her room with both of us expecting the fun sex to happen again, which it kinda did but Katie was too tired really so it was mostly just me and Ash which I have no complaints with.

The next day I had planned to take Katie on a date to show her around the city. I had been indecisive if I wanted it to just be the two of us, or if I wanted all 4 of us to go and spend some time together, as the main reason of her visiting this time was to meet Josie and spend time with us all to see if we all 'clicked'. We all ended up going out together and going to the tea house that ash took us to on our first date. As soon as we sat down Ash and Josie pulled out their phones and basically just blanked us which made me feel really weird which i figured out later was the major clue they had no interest in Katie at all. Ash actually said to me before Katie even arrived for the weekend that she knew she was only interested in sex with Katie as as soon as that happened she lost all interest in her.

We had a nice day together, did a bit of shopping and had fun. Then we had D&D that night, which Katie was going to join in with a character that we'd helped her make. It was fun, I introduced her to all my friends and we had a good session. there was a massive lore thing that happened that made the session go wayyyyyy over and both Corn and Squeak had to go home, but Church stayed eager as usual to find out lore. Katie tried to keep up but was tired so she ended up going to sleep after her character had 'left' the session, so basically she went to sleep for a few hours while i stayed up being nerdy. by the time we finished it was late and I just went to bed to cuddle with Katie.

I was having some really conflicting thoughts, most of them being that I am really not comfortable having Katie here and being a problem to my partners by bringing her into their space. The solution i came up with is for me to just visit her, but she still lives at home with her parents and isn't out to them. and I would hate to be in that situation, especially with hearing her dead name from her family and constantly feeling scared i'd accidentally out her by using her name and pronouns. Just no, a really bad situation I DO NOT want to be in.

Anyway, we had some more fun. I bought a load of kinky stuff for us to try like a new collar for her and such, and that's how that morning went before she had to leave. I took her to the train station alone, feeling more and more worried about everything and I gave her a bit of a cold goodbye when she left, which hurt even more because she was so happy and I was just not there mentally with her. With her gone and on her way home i relaxed a little, but not much.

And that brings us up to the start of lockdown which started with me being pissed off that my work weren't going by the government guidelines and just encouraging us to wash our hands still. in protest, all 3 of us stayed off work for 2 weeks which was fine because that's what you're supposed to do if you have symptoms. Ash technically did have some symptoms but thy never turned into anything. In those 2 weeks my work got its act together and got everyone working from home, so i've been working from home for the last like 3 or so months now.
 
A lot has has happened during lockdown and this post is lengthy already so I'm just gonna cover the main points.

Ash is classed as high risk as she's asthmatic and was freaking out about leaving the house to the point that she was refusing to come shopping with us, which yes is fair enough if it didn't take us 3 people to carry back the bags we need for the amount of food it takes to feed 3 people when none of us drive. Her freak out led to her shutting herself in her room for a few days and just not really talking to us which yeah i was worried but working 45 hours a week keeps me really busy and tired all the time and I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with her after being shouted at by entitled customers all day. Eventually she got over it and started acting normal again. More delivery slots were added for shopping being delivered so we've safely been able to get food for the last month or so now.

With lockdown and working from home I was finding it hard to stick to my usual schedule of texting Katie. She doesn't have a smartphone so I can't talk on apps with her at all and that along with every other worry in my head made me just not want to talk to her. I felt I was putting in all the effort always texting first always arranging phone calls always planning everything and I just could not cope at all with everything else going on in the world and as stated above Ash drama. So, after a few weeks of sending minimal messages every few days I sent her a long wordy break up message apologizing and saying i'm not in the right headspace to be in a relationship.

She reacted positively and told me to take care of myself which I was not expecting. We didn't really talk for the next few weeks, her sending a message every so often to check in on me but I just felt really weird about it all. My only experience with break ups have been heartache and never speaking to that person again. I've been wanting to update this blog for so long, but i felt ashamed admitting to all of this like i've failed at being poly.

But i'm in a better place now and can see this was a learning experience that I'm happy with my polycule the way it is and I really do not do well dating others who aren't dating my people too. Yes, I know a lot of people on here will not agree with me and call me irrational for wanting that, but its what works for me.

A big thing for me, I started therapy! In like March I'd filled in an application for some therapy focusing on anxiety and panic due to Ash and Josie both telling me to get my shit together when I as overly anxious. I was not expecting it at all and so when i got a letter telling me my first session would be by phone in a few days I started to panic a bit. Spoiler alert, turns out I don't need CBT therapy as I studied that stuff in college and I know all the coping mechanisms, I just wasn't applying them fantastically and as a person I just get overwhelmed very easily which causes me to cry sometimes. I did 3 sessions of that therapy before my therapist said I was doing fine and I really did not need this anymore but I should possibly look into some bereavement therapy to deal with some unresolved trauma due to my dad dying like 9 years ago. I haven't looked into that yet, but I will eventually.

And the last big thing of lockdown: Josie and I actually had sex! after like a year of her not wanting anything at all from me we did some stuff and she told me afterwards she's been terrified of doing that because she'd built up a major anxiety in her head about it all and then actually doing it wasn't scary at all. So far its only happened once and I don't know if it will happen again any time soon, but its a step in the right direction. She's seemed happier since it and I certainly have been so at least that's a good thing.

Katie and I have started talking daily again basically on FL since talking on okcupid was getting annoying as the app isn't fantastic. We've gone back to friends and tentatively play mates for when its safe to see each other again. We're just seeing how things go honestly, and that's for he best. Without the pressure of having to be committed and be in contact 24/7 i feel a lot better about this and honestly think I just moved way too fast and should have never freaked myself out by sticking myself in the commitment bubble hell.

She's working on getting a new job and getting her own place as I staight up told her I won't be involved with her in any way if she doesn't move out and come out to her family. She's come out to everyone on her facebook, but blocked her family so they couldn't see the post. Her plan is to be completely moved out then come out to them, like I do understand where she's coming from, but that was my major thing that made us break up. I feel like a bit of a dick holding our relationship above an important decision like that, but i'm sticking to my boundaries of what I'm comfortable with and if that makes me an asshole then so be it.

I probably missed a load out but oh well. until next time, hopefully it won't be in 5 months time again :p
 
I'll do a big proper update on things when I actually have one, and process a few things going on now. As you can tell, I don't like to post about things that I haven't fully processed yet.

In the mean time, when lock down started, we started naming the days in our household. We did this from the moment hospitality places were closed so Ash and Josie didn't go to work, to when they returned to work, I was working from home basically the whole time.

I was going to post this on my facebook, but decided it's a bit too, well nsfw i guess? anyway, enjoy the randomness and stupidity of what being stuck inside for a couple of months does to 3 people :p

Points to anyone who can make sense of these, and guess which ones are the days we played DND haha

D1 - get out of my summer camp
D2 - bomb ass thicc pussy
D3 - order a takeaway before they all close
D4 - he's just a little guy
D5 - Josie goes screenless
D6 - thicc thursday
D7 - no gnomomomo
D8 - tensions rise in Tesco
D9 - hits you harder than you can live
D10 - bob Ross kabuki theatre
D11 - friends dont bite friends!
D12 - we're gonna cuck rathalos
D13 - jill is having a bad day
D14 - everyone's an idiot in dnd
D15 - the mighty pickle
D16 - ash reads in the sun
D17 - taxi drivers are lifesavers
D18 - Titties out tuesday
D19 - there's no eggs in this house
D20 - monster farming simulator
D21 - choking on it's big stick
D22 - disappointment
D23 - dressing up for prom
D24 - bank holiday blues
D25 - system issues
D26 - we nearly adopt a dog
D27 - discount easter
D28 - carb queen
D29 - the band its
D30 - no one has a brain in dnd
D31 - not monday sunday
D32 - dates don't exist
D33 - every customer is an idiot
D34 - Pepsi-saurus rex
D35 - fraud day
D36 - the dms bane
D37 - omg a delivery slot
D38 - too much food
D39 - wrong weapon fuck around
D40 - 61 year old lesbian
D41 - josie quotes herself out of a relationship
D42 - spellcaster blues
D43 - deesh wa sha
D44 - jelly is a terrible coworker
D45 - fuck maps
D46 - gay quiver
D47 - big boy
D48 - lesbian cringe
D49 - only pyschos call on bank holidays
D50 - chaotic idiots
D51 - divorce
D51 - unhealthy coping mechanisms
D52 - chomp chomp motherfucker
D53 - shes not a vampire she's just into vore
D54 - the bean is the bite button
D55 - nergigante!?
D56 - the 84 year orgasm
D57 - farm wives
D58 - the potato finale
D59 - ar coo sein
D60 - rip, literally
D61 - uncharted: Nate fucks it
D62 - George of the gungle
D63 - grumpy cone head
D64 - kitty gains an obsession
D65 - 6ft tall snoring starfish
D66 - I'll baka you in a minute
D67 - damgerous clemicals
D68 - homoerotica- I mean heterochromia
D69 - nice
D70 - knock off nando's
D71 - Naliah's betrayal
D72 - lestinky ordered a butt plug
D73 - that's not a sea bass
D74 - jojo's poses incorporated
D75 - stevesssss
D76 - we're not fucking car insurance
D78 - t-rex? No, tigrex
D79 - everything is breaking
D80 - pancakes
D81 - Josaa sofaa
D82 - we dont support hetty's in this house
D83 - fuck half elf boy
D84 - accidentally writing a porno
D85 - cornelia says fuck the military
D86 - ship wars, dnd edition
D87 - Josie distracts with Naruto
D88 - BAKING
D89 - entitled men
D90 - 127 eps in 2 days
D91 - a bracelet for your butt
D92 - pie 2: this time its blueberry
D93 - swiped through my ass like a credit card.
D94 - barrel escapades
D95 - an ass through my breeze crack
D96 - thirst fucking quenched zavala
D97 - someone's gonna get knotted
D98 - that should have ended an hour ago
D99 - this gun fires fruit gummies!!!!
D100 - all anime is racist
D101 - speggy bology
D102 - toad in or around the hole
D103 - questionable curry
D104 - pity is not a free action
 
So, it's been a while. I'll be honest, i've been dreading making this posts for months and months but I think i've finally come to terms with what happened and I may as wel share it here. Ash and Josie broke up so we're now a V instead of a triad. I took it a lot harder than either or them did, I was terrified of what that meant for us and that I had failed at being poly by them breaking up. It took literal months for me to get out of that mondset and realise it had literally nothing to do with me and that I still have 2 girlfriends so why is it impotant if they're dating each other or other people.

The break up was probably the best thing for them, they're now much closer and even better friends than before, and honestly the atmosphere is the house is much happier and i'm glad. I realised I was being very selfish and self centred about the whole thing and i think that sort of helped kick me out of it.

Some other things that happened since my last update:
- I got a new job working for Fedex! it was great for like the first 6 months as all jobs are then it went down hill rapidly.
- I started up my Etsy shop again, I rebranded it as a little space shop - Yeah figured out a whole load of stuff about myself and decided to make my shop an affordable place for people to buy little stuff, turns out its super popular.
- While at work I met a customer who I got talking to about etsy and stuff, I gave her my shop name and turns out she's a little and we got talking. she'll be refered to in here as Space.
- We all got covid, it wasn't too bad honestly, i've since had worst colds. we're all triple vaccined now, wehn we got it we'd all only have 1 dose.
- I quit my job at fedex because fuck them! I was constantly being told off and displined for helping the customer too much and my Etsy business was growing so much I can now afford to just run my buisness sooo yeah I own my own buisness now!
- Ash and Josie got new jobs and moved to work at our local Hard rock cafe, Josie moved jobs again recently to a less busy cafe and she's really happy there. Ash is still at hard rock and isn't too sure where to go from there, but she'll figure it out.
- Me and Space met up for some 'fun' and to go to build a bear and just have a fun weekend together. It was good fun, her boyfrind is the type of guy that likes to talk to her 24/7 so I ended up speaking on the phone to him lots while we were together, it was a very very strange experience being with her and thne her calling her boyfriend to brag about it. It honestly really helped disconnect between her being someone I could date and being someone who is just a friend with beenfits, so thanks ot her bf for helping me figure that one out in my head!
- Church stopped hanging out with us because he got a gf, got enagged and is now getting married in 2 weeks so that sucks but I guess that's his choice.

I think that's all I really have to say just now, I played a load of fun new D&D characters in that time so if y'all have any questions or want to hear about them please ask away haha
 
Well it's been a month and I probably shouldn't be writing this because I don't feel completely in the best mindset just now but here we go. So Ash has been sort of slowly talking to people and looking for another partner for the last few months. She wasn't really getting anywhere and it was really upsetting her so I suggested she try a dating site I'd seen some people reccomend and well yeah it worked like a charm and she has a girl she's really enjoying chatting to.

We've had a few communication issues in the last few months, I have a bad habit of making jokes to difuse situations and cheer people up so when she was getting upset at people not replying to her or telling me about girls she was chatting to I was making jokes to try lighten the mood. I ended up making a few pretty shitty jokes that I thought we both were fine with but turns out she wasn't and she had a whole breakdown to me about feeling unlovable because I'm clearly not okay with being poly and she'll never be happy because no one else will ever love her.

Me and Josie had to have a big serious conversation about how dating is shit and it can take a while to find someone, and I had to share that the idea with opening up our polycule with covid still a threat has felt so scary and yeah I wasn't 100% comofrtable with it a few months ago and I should have said, but i'm feeling better about it now as things are seeming better with covid now.

That brings us to now, and i'm finding the hardest part about her finding someone is that she just doesn't talk to girls like I do. Like I say I'm poly pretty much straight away so as not to give anyone a false impression, yet Ash only mentioned she was poly because this girl told her she was poly. It's just kinda weird I guess, but it isn't my relationship or any of my buisness so I don't get a say. I'm in a weird place where I think the reason why i'm so interested is because I haven't had the thrill of getting to know someone new, but I also know I don't want nor do I have time for another relationship so there isn't a point in looking for anyone else.

Like I have Space, and most the time I don't have the enrgy to even reply to her messages, but part of me wonders if that's because the last 2 people i've had this friend with beefits sort of thing with I haven't really clicked with. like with Ash and Josie it's comfortable and fun and we can just talk about anything, but with other people that isn't there so maybe I just haven't found someone who I click with. My heads a bit of a mess with it all, I'm just sort of writing this all down so if anyone does read this I'm sorry for all these rambles.

I think I really overworried and overhyped how I'd feel about Ash dating someone else, I'd read about how hard it is and how it can feel bad yet she talks about this girl (who I should really give a name, but I won't until it gets more serious between them, They havent met in person and probably won't for awhile because of health reasons) I don't feel anything, and then this voice in my head kicks in like why aren't you feeling bad? and i'm like because I don't why should I? It's deifnitely a society brainwashed thing, I just wish it would go away because I feel its really negatively impacting me.

Today we had d&d and the girl got mentioned so our friends found out and Squeak then made a few jokes throughout the game that I piggybacked off but I don't think Ash enjoyed them much. Just really stupid stuff like I rolled bad so didn't get the infromation I wanted and Squeak said something along the lines of well you better get used to that she has a new girl now, and I replied with like yup if she joins us for dnd I won't get special treatment anymore that's it (which i don't get special treatment for dating the DM at all) which in the moment was funny but now i'm thinking back it was such a stupid and shitty thing to say.

It's just so weird because I feel fine with it and like I feel excited for her, but I feel like i'm also self sabotaging my own relationship with all the stupid things I keep saying. I think i'm honestly just pretty upset with myself, might just need a good cry to cleanse my emotions.

In more exciting news (which is really stupid but welp dnd is my special interest) My main girl Elyza asked her crush out on a date! they had a very awkward baby gay being nervous date and I got so into character I was such a mess over it. Did some crazy inner child healing with that one because as a teenage I had to grow up super fast (yay trauma) so I never got to be a silly nervous teenager with a crush, I dated people like an adult would and with teenagers the maturity levels are so not there for that shit. Basically what i'm tryig to say is I like this fictional character Ash has created so much I got super giddy over a date with her and now i'm like its time for some hardcore pining! A bit bummed out because I was supposed to do a thing about it in todays session but totally forgot but hey everyone was just so chaotic and off track today.

Writing it all out has made me feel a bit better, sorry for the crazy rambles!
 
Hey, it's your friendly neighoburhood overthinker updating to say, guess what, it was all just anxiety in my head and everything is fine!

So to my merit I did have a big cry about it and talked to me friend and she really helped me by telling me that even if I wasn't poly my emotions are normal and of course its going to feel a bit daunting to have your partner suddenly in NRE land and feeling like you're not a priority. I was just having so much anxiety about why I was freaking out and I realised its literally just because I have boundries I hadn't clearly explained to Ash.

Before all that, turns out Ash hadn't even heard to joke Squeak made and was only in her room because she was 'peopled out' after dnd and came back out and was totally fine. So that was me freaking out for no reason. Over the next few days I had a lot of time in my own head trying to sort out my thoughts and I wrote a list of everything I wanted to talk to Ash about and did that last night.

I asked her about the saying she's poly thing and she basically said she didn't know to tell people online and was going to wait until their first date to tell her which I told her was the worst possible thing to do if she didn't want to lead people on with expections. I told her it's a boundry of mine that she needs to tell people she's poly on dating sites or at least when she matches with them as it isn't fair on them, and it makes it feel like she's hiding me and her relationship to appear 'normal' she understood and assured me on all her other profiles it says that but on this paticiular one it does it by specific questions you have to answer so you can't write a bio so that's why this girl didn't immediately know about the poly thing. (Still not giving the girl a name on here as they haven't even scheduled a phone call date or anything, They're taking it very very slowly at this person request as she isn't in the best health)

There was other stuff that we talked over and I'm feeling much better about it all. We stayed up and just chatted about dnd stuff and just had fun. We ended up going to bed at like 1am and then had some fun so we didn't get to sleep until at least 2am (best sex we've ever had tho omg)

Today we went shopping to try find a suit or some sort of formal wear for Ash for some upcoming weddings we have but there was nothing in any shop we looked in which was kind of a pain. We had a nice lunch out though which we've really been needing as Josie lost her job a few weeks ago so has been in the house 24/7 so Ash and I have had no real alone time. I'm really really enjoying going out on dates with Ash and just really talking to her, it's sort of like when we first started dating and its just so comfortable and nice. I've obviously been spending a lot of time with Josie too, she's really into Digimon just now so i've been playing the card game with her that I was winning a lot against her but she's really kicking my ass now and i'm such a sore loser so I'm putting off playing again for a while haha.
 
So, a few things have happened since my last update. I downloaded a few dating apps and decided to at least talk to a few people and go on some dates. Well, I met a girl and it was going pretty well, but then two dates later she sort of admited although she was curious about poly stuff she was lookign for the one and wanted to find someoen to settle down with, I made it very apparent that would not be me as I'm not willing to change my living arrangement for any new partners. It sucks, but we had to break it off and I'm still a bit upset up it only lasted a few weeks so meh.

Ash and the girl she's seeing (who shall now be refered at Zigzagoon) still aren't 'officially' together. By that I mean they're not refering to each others and girlfriends or saying they are in a relationship, but they sure are acting like it, but not my place to say anything. They still haven't met irl because of her health issues, not sure when they'll meet but from what Ash says they most likely will be confined to nights in and can't go on dates. Yet again, not my place to say anything but I can see it's affecting Ash's mood a bit, if she realises that or not I'm not entirely sure.

Zigzagoon also matched with me on a dating site (I liked her on it to try get to know her as friends as we've aggreed to KTP but i've never talked to her before), after not talking to Ash properly for a few days and like if I was dating her I'd be really concerned about the fact she was being quiet and then on dating sites in the background. It just gives off bad vibes to me, but they aren't offficial sooooo *shrugs* When I brought this up to Josie to ask her opinion she said anyone can be on dating sites at any time as thats how being poly works, and she's right I guess, but just the timing of it I guess is what is bothering me. It'a not my business, but having to deal with Ash's depression in the spiral that will happen if something bad happen between them is. I'm not sure how to feel about it, I don't feel jealous or insecure, just worried for Ash as I can see although she's saying she's okay, this isn't the dating experience she originally wanted.

I've meet a few other people recently on bumble, one has chronic fatigue so replies every few days which sucks because she's very flirty and fun but yeah not sure if anything will come of that. Another is into d&d and video games I like but I'm feeling a bit nervous about her honestly because there isn't really any flirting or anything going on and thats exactly what it was like with the previous girl I had to break it off with. This one however is poly and already has another partner so i'm not so worried about it, I think I'm honestly just a bit on edge because life is a little chaotic just now.

Ash and I are travelling to Scotland tomrorow for a friends wedding, Josie is at a concert with her sister so can't come so I'm sort fo excited although it'll only iterally be like a 24 hour trip to sort of get away with her. We found her some formal wear and she looks goooooood, i have warned her I will 100% jump on her when we get back to the hotel roomm after it haha. I was going to visit some family while i was up there, however sadly last week my granddad passed away suddenly and I'm not great with grief so I might visit my auntie and cousins but probably not, he was one of the main reasons I was visiting so really sucks he died literally a week before.

That's all for now, Will update this next time something else exciting happens!
 
I've been putting off updating this because my mental health hasn't been great but I've been at a funeral today and had a good cry and honestly feel way better now it's all over. It was my grandad's funeral, we had a lovely humanist service for him today. I've been a bit of a mess honestly, everything has just felt like way too much and that i'm just not being supported enough but I think I've just felt overwhelmed because well in 10 years I've lost my dad and both ganparents and my mum's health is deteriatign at such a rate that I'm not sure how much longer she'll go for. Didn't think I'd be dealing with this at 25 while trying got navigate relationship stuff but here I am.

The wedding was fun, and Ash who is very very against marriage started asking me what i wanted for our wedding and i was like...we're doing what now??? it was nice, we mostly talked about what bands we'd get to play if we could get them and colour schemes and just silly little things like that. i cried like a baby at the first dance and then started balling all over again when i got to slow dance with Ash. My previous employers always complained I have no empathy but i swear I have way too much of it because I cry when anyone else is happy or sad.

Only actual update stuff! the big one is zigzagoon broke it off with Ash. Since my last update her partner/ex/friend/whatever she is stayed with her for a week and in that time she texted ash maybe twice a day and was very clear that she wasn't going to talk to ash properly while her 'friend' was there. At this point she'd canceled every date Ash was trying to set up and I was so mad Ash was falling for this bullshit and let herself be treated this way. I talked to her about it and she basically told me it was non of my business and she's a big girl and if she gets hurt its her own fault.

Well, she got hurt and she's pretty torn up about it. After them trying to plan to meet up for a month and half Zigzagoon finally just basically said she can't and doesn't want a romantic relationship but is happy to stay friends and keep geetting to know each other and maybe in a few months they can possibly try again. Ash is still talking to her, but is annoyed at me because I'm refusing to keep my dislike for this girl who hurt her hidden. I don't have veto power or anything like that but I really am not getting good vibes from this and the idea that she's getting lead on with oh maybe if I get better in a few months we can date. It's bad, and like i have more dating experience, I've been with flakey unreliable people like this and it always ends in heartbreak. Ash says she's okay but hasn't been able to write dnd stuff so we're gonna be playing my campaign again. I have that open in another tab so I can get writing that after I finish this!

Josie has met someone, they matched with her on Bumble, within a day of talking they'd moved over to Discord and talk non stop. I'm happy for her but omg I need to have a serious talk on boundries with her! like it should be a no brainer that if we're playing a video game together she can't just stop playing every few seconds to text someone back. Not only does it make the game annoying to play and super disruptive, it's disrespectful as hell to me as it shows she doesn't care about the fact i'm doing this with her. I did tell her this but she brushed it off as oh it wasn't my turn and it was only a text.

I tell all my partners that if they're spending time with me I want their full attention. They're allowed one text at the start to say they're spending time with me then its phones away time. Enforcing that is hard, but I think it's mostly because I haven't actually outwardly gotten upset at them about this. Going to make it very very clear going forwards as I hate feeling not important during my time with them.

Josie has plans to go see this new anime thing with this person so that will be a date in the middle of August, she mentioned possibly seeing them before then for a date but when I asked where they lived she said she didn't know. It wasn't hard to find them on bumble and thats when I found out for her this person smokes, drink and does weed a lot. That's a huge no boundry for me due to Ash's recovering alcoholism and both of them smoked before. I also have some trauma with weed which we've agreed it will never come into the house out of respect for me and they can smoke it occasionally if they like but if they start smoking it reguarily it's a deal breaker.

I warned her of all fo this to which she told me of course it isn't an issue she won't start smoking again, but i'm honestly a bit worried. But in the end it's Josie's choice, if she wants to do thigns I don't agree with you knows what the concenquence for that will be. I'm not her mother, and I won't stand for anyone trying to play games with me and my boundries like that.

And finally, my dating life! Well, the crazt thing since last time is the dnd girl who I was chatting to sent me a message to say ehr long term partner had broken up with ehr so she wasn;t lookign for anyone while she went and healed from this. I of course offered my condolences and told her to text me even if she just wanted someone to chat to as I was wnjoying talking to her even just in a platonic capacitity. On the day we were traveling back from the wedding, the girl with chronic fatgiue finally texted back and we had a good back and forth, I gave her my number and joked about having to take her on a date to get to know her because she was so bad at replying and well she said fuck it lets go on a date.

So we did after chatting for the whole weekend I went on a date with her! We had a meal, went to an arcade and got a load of tickets, we're saving up for a big prize I want. We then went back to hers and we'd not quite sexted but we'd flirted and made a lot of suggestions on what we'd do. I totally forgot the condoms and felt too awkward to ask her so we made out for like an hour and yeah that was hot as well. Eventually I asked and yeah we had some fun. The funniest part is she's trans and pre everything like not even on HRT, but because of pain and her health issues stuff doesn't always work down there. She seemd very open and good about it all which was nice.

I should be seeing her again on Sunday so I'll let you know how it goes!
 
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Well, just a quick update because honestly it's not much good news but I'm really not too bothered. The date with the girl didn't work out due to my train beign cancled and just shitty travel stuff, so we rearrnaged for that thursday instead. she spoke to me Monday, then I had radio silence for 2 days which is a huge no and red flag for me as I won't date someone who doesn't know how/can't be bothered to communicate daily. She eventually messaged me on wednesday night to say she isn't feeling it and it won't work out. At the time I felt really hurt because we'd slept together and then because it hadn't happened again because of everything I had goign on she called it off/ But honestly it's probably a good thing. Im still finding myself thinking of her over silly things like seeing her favourite animal and video games she said she wanted to play, but its probably for the best.

On the thursday the date was suposed to be on i did a bit of swiping and messaging on dating sites and ended up matching with a girl who seemed very eager for kinky stuff. The attention was nice, and she had some decent conversations but we just didn't have loads in commom. I met up for one date with her but by the time we were on the date she'd revealed stome stuff about herself that made me fele really really put off, and she imediately started drinking at like mid day with our meal and then at the pool bar we went to after that. I gave myself a day to think on it then messaged her to say it probably won't work out and I'm just not feeling it.

I did match with another girl who literally repleis once or twice a day so not relationship material unless she egts betetr at that, but she's fun to talk to about d&d stuff anyway. No clue if anythign will happen with ehr but it's something.

Today Josie is on a date with the person she's been talking to. She had a lot of anxiety about it because she hasn't told this person she's ace and doesn't really have a sex drive which yeah she defnitely should have done by now, but I guess the persons reaction will be something to base it all off. She's more worried about losing them as a friend if it doesn't work out as they seem really really into her and Josie is just happy to have someone to talk about her nerdier stuff with and sometimes flirt with.

Ash didn't have a date today but she is now having weekly video calls with Zigzagoon now so they were talking for a few hours. I try to be out of the house to give her privacy and because well it sucks knowing my partner is in but I can't go in there and talk to her. I'm not nervous or upset or anything like that, Ash just works a lot so I want to see her when I can. It would be easier if she was out the house, so yeah I try to be out to give the same sort of effect. I will admit I was a bit sad that they were still talking when I got in but that's because I had stuff i wanted to tell her about.

Well that's as interesting as ot gets for me just now, will update when I have more interesting gossip :p
 
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