Kitty's journey into all things poly

I was really tired out and not really feeling up to sex or anything so we mostly just hung out with Josie for the night and then with Ash when she got in from work. We were up until like 3am just chatting about dnd and stuff and eventually Ash was like so we gonna fuck or what so we did some stuff but I wasn't really into it. The next morning we had some really stupid stressful stuff with the estate agents for the old flat being huge dicks and telling us the flat wasn't clean enoughnso we had to clean it again (we'd gotten professional cleaners in, but since then the landlord had been in and people had been in to view the place so there was dirt on the carpets which wasn't our fault. I had to be up early to get that done and get the keys back to the etstae agents later so just a combination of all of that meant I was so tired and not in the mood to be around people at all.

Abi was trying to stay longer and saying she didn't need to be home until like 8 so she could stay until then, but I was firm and was like I'm not in a good place you can stay until 4 but then you're going because I need a nap. So I was nice and took the bus back with her to the bus station and then like as I was gettong on y bus home again she called me to say the bus she ws gettign was too full and she didn't want to stabd and asked if I could wait for her another hour until the next one. I was so done guys, I was just so ready to go home I was like nope already on the bus just get that one it can't be too busy. I went home, and Josie is surprised to see me and was like oh it's Friday I thought you had gone to Alex's so I ordered myself food and have plans to do this all evening. I didn't even have the capacity to be upset I just went for a well deserved sleep.

When I woke up from that I found that Abi had waited an entire hour to get another bus and it was still so busy she had to stand but I was still so out of it and still not feeling great that I just did not that the mental capacity to care. Since then I've done a lot of thinking and I've basically said to her that I'll see her again once she gets her shit together like gets a job and gets out of being in debt because like I don't date Messy people and that is messy af and that isn't even touching on the drama she had with her polycule which like I don't even want to talk about it because it's so toxic and stupid.

Onto happier things, It was Alex's birthday last week and I threw her a party! Messy and her partner came over to see the new house as well as the party and we had a really fun time. I got lots of cat decorations and made a bunch of party food for everyone to snack on. We played uno with some crazy house rules Sqeak likes and it was soooo much fun. Some pics to show the awesome cat decorations and birthday cakes (I got a vegan one for Sqeak and Messy, because I'm too nice apparently) and the badge that everyone must wear in my house if its your birthday! haha (I have so many badges but most of them are unicorns and pink, I thought this was more Alex's thing)

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I'm sure I've missed stuff but I've bene writing this for over an hour already so that'll do for now!
 
Thinking about having to write about everything that's happened since my last update has been really putting me off writign an update so I'm gonna do the sensible thing and just mention a few things. We had more birthdays! Josie at the end of september, then it was my birthday last week. I honestly ony rememebred I hadn't even updated that because I was checking my signiture and saw our ages were all wrong!

Polycule things:
Josie made a friend at her card game nigtht she goes to at our local comic book store and they've been 'jokingly' flirting for literaly months unti the friend was like we're not joking right something is going on between us i'm not imagining it. So a few weeks ago Josie started dating I guess this friend, and the friend's partner also seemed interested in Josie and well Josie at first was like nope don't want a triad I only want to date friend, but then changed her tune once she started talking to them both more.

It was looking really good and promising, but then the friend did a huge 180 and decided she can't pursue another relationship just now so they're only friends now. Josie wasn't hugely upset and was mature enough to know it's friends issue, not anything to do with her. Josie hasn't said much else about it to me, she's spending a lot more time with another friend from that group tho who is poly with several partners so guess we'll see if anything comes from that.

Ash FINALLY slept with the person from work she mentioned months ago. They'd been hangign out and then making out a little but nothing more than that until like I want to say the strat of october but i'm not sure on the timeline tbh. Ash thought she'd wanted to properly date this person but upon really relfecting on her life she's decided she's happy with having me as her partner, but wants some sort of friends with benefits/casual partners? i'm not sure theres a word for it really. Things are currently on hold with them (but I doubt they'll stay away, so lets call him Dorian) There's a lot of real dramamtic stuff happening in Dorians life just now like realing they have an issue with alcholism and drugs, to just being honestly the BIGGEST walking red flag I've ever seen. I told Ash that she's a big girl and if she wants to pursue this and get herself hurt she can, she agreed she is and that she won't get hurt because there aren't deep feelings to hurt yet.

With Dorian on the bench just now, Ash met up with Emilia (who Alex and I slept with a few times) and they get on really well, love going to gigs together and I mean if she brings Emilia back here I also get to sleep with her so win win. Emilia is unreliable at best with her health so drops off and doesn't talk for days if not weeks on end and currently seems to be in one of those, which brings us to the newest person!

This one is technically my fault because I met this girl, we'll call her Holly, a few weeks ago and me beifn my usual self I always tell my partners funny stuff people text me and Holly just seemd really good fun to talk to and we seemed to have the same kinks and ideals when it came to sex. This is where I get my first ever experience of someone is good to talk to over text, but not in person! I don't know exactly what it is but in person I just can't, I spent the day with her and Alex like 2 weeks ago and a few hours in I was wishing it would hurry up and be the time I said we needed to go home because omg I was just having the worst time but trying to be polite about it. I had a bad time, but I'd passed on her number to Ash a few days before this and since then Ash has met up with her and they're seeing each other again tonight. Ash says she isn't going to date her, but they talk every day and meet up once a week sooooo.

And it's time for a me update I guess! I'm not going to say I'm crushing on someone, but omg she bought me a birthday present after knowing me for like a week! We'll call her Ellie. Alex met her on a dating app i'm not on before the reviews are terrible for it, but basically Alex at the start of novemeber was like look at this cute girl we should fuck her, and well I'm up for anything so said sure. I got the dating app just to try match with her so we could talk a little before we actually met up. We did eventually a match, the night before I was due to see her and omg I had so much anxiety about it all, and it turns out the app really is just shit and Ellie had been trying to like me on it for days to message me too!

There was a bit of akwardness of course once we all got to Alex's but after a few hours and a snack break where we just cuddled and chatted lots, Ellie really opened up and we had such great like chemistry all of us. Turns out she goes to all the local kink events I used to go to and has offered to go with me if I do want to start going to them again. I thought sex with Alex and Emilia was good, well sex with her and Ellie is even better! Ellie is very cuddly and spent the whole night quite literally holding me in her arms as we slept, it was incredible, and after we dropped her off the next day I turned to Alex and was like okay I'm a lil in love with her, to which she told me I'm always a little in love with all the girls we fuck haha.

We created a group chat so we can all talk and arrnge to see each other again and Alex is having great fun just getting to see me and Ellie badly flirt with each other. We all met up last thursday and to my surprise Ellie had bought me a really cute bunny plushie! she'd gotten me a gift bag with dinosaurs on and gone all out, and then when she got home the next day discovered she'd left the card out and I wasn't just being weird and not opening the card! Buses here have been on strike so I haven't had the chance to see her outside of time with Alex butttt they just announced today that buses are going to be back on so I think I'm going to ask Ellie on a date next week! she's already agreed to going on a date, we just need to find time!
 
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Quick update to say I went on the date with Ellie yesterday and it was so much fun! I'm so used to always paying for dates so imagine my surpise when she quite litterally wouldn't let me pay for lunch! Our goal for the date was to expand her plushie collection and we deffinitely did that. She told me she liked plushies that look grumpy and I asked if she had one of those flippy octopuses and she said no. So we ended up winning a bunch of tickets at the arcade (she yet again kept not letting me pay for her!) and there was a pink flippy octopus that was just perfect for her so I got her that, and even had enough left over to get her a lolipop haha. She then ended up buying me a cute sparkly cat plush, and a fox one. Here's our other friends we bought/brought along to the date yesterday!

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We even got those classic photoset things from a machine that is like such a staple of a date. We honestly just hung out, held hands, had fun and just yeah it was really nice to see her. I think it's because I am poly saturated that I don't get crazy NRE feelings anymore, but I deifinitely like her and it's nice to hang out with her.

Ash brought up a good point when I was telling her about the date yesterday that I havn't actually asked Ellie if she is poly or not! I'm pretty sure she currently doesn't have any partners and does sleep around with people. I'm sort of not really caring about ti all because this is of course casual, but Ash was making a big deal about how if she isn't poly then I can't date her which I understand where she's coming from but it isn't important just now. I'm happy with things are they are and I'm not looking for another long term commited partner, just someone to have fun with in and out of the bedroom.

I'm seeing her and Alex tonight in about an hour hopefully, and hopefully Alex is going to show Ellie that she is in fact the big mean scary top, because so far Ellie has mostly seen Alex being the cute subby mess for me :p
 
Update from my last post, I got topped. Alex wasn't too mean to me but got Ellie be rough with me as well and omg they both left so many marks on me! We all had a nice time, instead of a snack break we had a break to pay rockband which was really good fun. Ellie had to be home by 10am the next day for work later so we didn't have lots of time together buttttt with is being a Thursday it means that I spent thursday evening at Alex's, then in the morning got dropped off ay my house, got work done, and then by 6pm Alex was back at mine again for dnd!

It was a sort of round up session of my campaign before we go onto doing Ash's one for the next while. Alex doesn't play in Ash's one so I made her promise if I don't get to see her for dnd then we can still do something together in the week, she agreed to something else but not too much as she does get super overwhelmed. This sort of brings me on to my next point.

I stayed over at Alex's on friday as usual, then on saturday morning we went to archery. I'd read on their facebook page that they were asking if the heating can be turned on in the hall we use for it but didn't really think anything on it until we arrived and it was SO HOT. Like it was really warm, and I'd left my water bottle in the car so immediately we were off to a bad start. What happened next is a combination of the warmth, lack of water, there being so many people there, and not shooting great because of all of those previous things.

I'm not sure how we got onto the topic but the fact Alex is bi came up and she always jokes she doesn't like men, she only likes boys who are fem or soft. Well she was saying this and was like well in fact theres one I want to fuck just now, hoping I can get him to come over next week. I always feel a little bit of dread at the mention of that, but I can normally push it aside, its the conditioning of society telling us to feel scared when your partner sleeps with someone else. Normally I can put feelings aside and be rational about this stuff, but because I was so overwhelmed and overstimulated I just couldn't.

I was trying to just get on with archery and not have an anxiety spiral about it but Alex did not get the hint of what was going on at all. She isn't a mind reader, I wasn't expecting her to be, but I also wasn't going to have a freak out to her in public. I told her I was going to sit out, and she followed me. She noticed I was being quiet and started trying to make conversation but I just couldn't engage. Looking back, I was 100% having like an anxiety attack and just trying not to draw attention to it. Alex ended up going back out to the car to get the water because at this point the heat was in like dehydrating and making us really uncomfortable territory.

I shot a few ends alone in that time and was having such a fight between anxiety brain and rational brain. Anxiety brain didn't have terrible thoughts or anything, which was the strangest part. I just felt terrible, and my rational brain was being like come on you're being a dick just talk to her you're literally ruining your time with her over something you know you agreed to, you're poly stop thinking like a mono idiot.

Now this is where I should have definitely figured out it was an anxiety/panic attack, but didn't because I was so in my own head (which I'll explain about why in a minute) Alex came back, I had some water, felt a tiny bit better but still just terrible. She figured out something was up at this point as I woudn't even look at her, I was nervously fidgiting, and then the real icing on the cake. I had to go add more lube to my arrows so they don't get super stuck in the target. I had every intention of sitting an end out to do that, but there were people sitting next to where our bags were and because I didn't know exactly where the arrow lube was I was quite literally paralyzed with fear at the idea of having to look in Alex's bag and potentially look weird to the people sitting nearby. Looking back now I'm like that right there was the moment I should have just gone outside, or better told Alex what was going on because I was not okay.

So I just kept shooting, I managed to calm mysef down enough to at least try seem normal and talk to Alex again but she knows me well enough to see I wasn't okay. She tried to ask me what was going on while we were putting our bows away but i just told her anxiety is bad which I mean wasn't a lie. She dropped it, obviously understanding we were still surrounded by people and now wasn't the time. The walk back to the car was when she brought it up again, she was very subtle and nice about it, and I then spent the next few minutes of the walk trying not to cry figuring out what to say.

In the car I finally just told her everything on my mind, which was so much. And like the silly bit about all of it was it really had nothing to do with what she'd said really, but it related to things and brought up old bad feelings from other times, trauma and all that. The reason I didn't update here for so long is also because I've had a bad few months with Ash. Alex knew some of the details, but not all of them and it sort of out my freak out into a new light with her learning about it.
 
Basically, Ash made some questionable decisions and her timing on a lot of stuff was just bad. She was having a hard time at work and started smoking to help the stress. I have a strict boundry on I won't date a smoker because of personal reasons, she knows this, and she decided to drop this huge bomb that she isn't happy with our relationship and feels like I don't love her anymore, and then tell me she's taken up smoking. I knew she had, because I'm not an idiot. I could smell it on her when she'd come home from work, but I foolishly thought since all her work friends smoke she'd just been taking smoke breaks with them and the smell had clung to her clothes. In the moment when she brought all this up I was trying to comfort her and work on what needs to be fixed in our relationship. The next day I was alone and had time to think back on everything she said and I was just so angry at her. Like the timing of knowing our relationship wasnt going well, and then starting to smoke, the thing she knows I will break up with her for at the same time? it felt like a personal attack and that she's incredibly selfish for doing that.

It's done pretty substantial harm to our relationship and how I view her. We're working on it, but I don't think she can quite grasp how much it has affected us. Her main compaint has been that we don't have enough sex, and it's not because I'm not horny enough because I have sex with Alex every weekend, so it must be a her issue. When that was pointed out like I could completely see her side of things, but with how hurt I feel by her I just don't want to have sex with her because I feel uncomfortable being vulnerable with her just now. I told her that I want to slowly build up to things, to just be able to cuddle in bed and build up trust again, and I am getting there, but she isn't helping herself.

Obviously, she's frustrated at the lack of sex but whenever we cuddle in bed she'll ask me to touch her or make some joke about how we should have sex and it is such a turn off. Like I feel like every step we take forward, that puts us several steps back, and the more I tell her no the more frustrated she gets. I thought with her seeing Holly she'd want sex less but also I understand it's a need for intamacy not just for sex. She brought up the lack of sex issue again earlier this week I think? and I explained to her I'm still not there and her pestering me doesn't help. I tried to explain we need to find other ways to have intamacy, like Josie and I don't have sex and I honestly feel the closest to her just now but we cuddle, and watch videos, and do other things in place of that. With Ash it's harder because she got a new job (Her last place fired her so they didn't have to pay her for the promotion she was due, and it's totally legal wtf) the new job is 10-10 5 days a week so as you can image I see her even less now so everything feels even more strained.

So all of that I just hadn't told Alex, and she was really really good with me. She held my hand while I cried and just listened, backed me up that what Ash was doing is shitty, but that it shows she's trying (Ash is STILL smoking, but she's gone to vaping and it's once a day now, so it is getting better) Alex just asked all the right questions, said all the right things and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. What she said that really helped was that her sleeping with others doesn't mean she loves me any less, that she never wants to hurt me, and that just because she sleeps with a guy doesn't mean she wants me to change or be anything else. She's never felt good about her body, and only started to feel okay about herself and her looks when she started to dress more fem and really think abut her gender (or lack off) so she only slept with someone for the first time when she was 22, was in a long term mono relationship on and off for years after that. She never got to sleep around and experiment with different people, and she finally feels that she's pretty and hot now and she wants to sleep with people because she never got to and it's really good for her to know people want her.

She also really validated my feelings that hearing about others having sex can make you jealous because you don't want to miss out, I didn't really think abiut it like that before but that's totally a huge part of it. The only thing I do worry about isn't that she's having sex with others, it's that she only has so much social energy and if her sleeping with others might cut into how much time she has for me. Next week is already going to be hard on her because we have archery on Tuesday and Saturday because it's the last shoots of the year, then we're doing our Christmas together on Sunday since she's going to visit her family for actual christmas. So to add in seeing someone else into that already full schedule could really damage our time together. When she gets low energy she literally just lies in bed and does nothing, so I can't be around her. She does know her own limitations so I have to trust that, but it does make me nervous still.

I'm still feeling a little out of sorts today, writing this out sort of helped get things straight in my head at least. I better go make sure I actually communicate this stuff to everyone involved now!
 
I did the adult thing and communicated feelings! Alex was understanding as usual (I basically just told her my worries about her time with people eating into our time because of social battery, and that her going on a dating app while spending time for me also feels kinda shitty) We went to archery on Tuesday and on the drive back I asked if she had any plans for the rest of the week she said she could invite that guy over to fuck, then was like hey wanna just come back to mine then I'll drop you off later? obviously I said yes and we had some very nice sex. After she'd dropped me home after I told her that she can sleep with others all she likes as long as she sticks to our rules (communicate when, use protection) but she can also just invite me over for sex like she doesn't need to find strangers if she just wants that.

On Monday we had dnd and we were playing Ash's campaign again so Alex's wasn't there but oh my god an amazing thing happened! So my character Elyza has been crushing on, and most recently courting this plot essential npc in the campaign. Trizzi is a character who Ash really loves, and I really love her too. The rest of the party were off basically playing a resource managament game helping some people in a town we've set up, so I took the time to have a proper chat with Trizzi. Things were looking tense for a bit of the conversation but then omg I've waited nearly 4 years for this but they finally kissed and made their relationship a bit more official! I am the biggest loser ever for getting excited about my dnd character getting a girlfriend, but also it's always been a way Ash and I have connected through this game so by esentially dating her in the game, it relieved a lot of tension that I was feeling.

That night I slept in Ash's bed and we talked more about dnd stuff, and we had sex! It wasn't uncofortable or bad like I thought it would be, I'm now wondering if it really all was just super bad feelings in my head holding me back, and if my dnd character getting to smooch Ash's character somehow helped clear it all. If so, that's wild, but I'm not complaining. I feel a lot better about things, hoping everything goes well with Alex this weekend, I'm a little nervous about it but I think that really just is anxiety.
 
This shouldn't be a surpise to anyone, but I have spent the last few weeks being a bit of an anxious mess. Most of it is hormone and period related (I think, hope? I thought it had a appeared but seems to have gone away again, but that isn't totally unusual for me) So it looks like Alex isn't really interested in seeing this guy as the more she's talked to him the more of his personaility has come out and she's just not into it. However, there is a girl who wants to meet up with and wants to go over to her house. Immediately I felt a bit weird about this because she mentioned this person has a bf and she was a bit worried if she went over girl might want them all the sleep together.

I will admit, I definitely had a fashbacks to the MANY times things like this have happened to me and I freaked out. I was having a really hard time trying to seprate what was my trauma, and if asking Alex to not go to others houses and just invite them to hers was a valid boundry/request. I didn't think it was, but I got myself really worked up with worry about it all and then when I brought this up to Alex I felt she just dismissed my feelings completely. She didn't, she absolutely compornised with me and told me it seemed a bit of a silly rule to stick to but if she did go to someones house she would let me know the address so if anything did happen (worse case scenario stuff) I'd know where she is and where to send help. It's one of those like if she was meeting people for coffee dates first to get the vibe I would feel better, but going straight to someones house who you message like once a week to arrange sex? it just doesn't feel safe at all, especially with the added there will be a man in the house who isn't invited into the sex but might invite himself thing. I was feeling so shitty about all this, like in a really dark hole where everything was just so much. Then the next day I woke up and felt completely fine. So I'm gonna put that one down to hormones and not feeling heard makes me feel terrible.

I don't think I mentioned on here, but the polycule ended up having christmas early on the 21st as Ash was working on the 25th. It kinda sucked because Josie was working from home but we managed to get presents opened in her lunch break and then in the evening we had christmas dinner. Since it had been moved it also meant Alex could come have dinner with us which was nice. Ideally I'd have liked to have all my partners with me on Christmas, but this was the next best thing.

On the 23rd Alex traveled to her parents house to spend christmas with them and her siblings. This was the few days where I just felt horrendous, and then felt even worse when I realised on the 24th since we weren't doing anhthing on the 25th I could have just went with Alex to her parents to celebrate christmas with them. I had a bit of a cry about it all to Josie and she was very reasonable about everything which did help me see I was just anxiety spiralling and it wasn't helping anyone. Then yeah, woke up on the 25th feeling totally fine. It was just Josie and I in the house for the day but we just listened to music and then made gingerbread dinosaurs (we only had a dinosaur sanwhich cutter lol) it was a really nice day, and Alex texted me a bunch.

My mood was very up and down on the next few days, especially when I told Alex I wanted to spend sometime with her since the last time I got to spend proper alone time with her was on the 16th when we had had our christmas together, and she told me she was very peopled out and needed some days to recharge so we couldn't have a date on Friday and that she'd just pick me up around dinner time as usual. I was really upset about this, but in hindsight had no reason to be. So the friday came and Alex made sure to text me a bunch still, picked me up at dinner time, we then ordered food in and just had a nice evening in. In the morning (and this is where I think a lot of my anxiety was coming from) we'd made plans to go to Scotland to spend time with my friends there for new year. Part of that included visiting my mum, and also visiting my dads grave. (the rest of the polycule were invited but couldn't come due to work)

I'm not sure how much I wrote about it here, but basically my dad died when I was 14. My gran then died about 6 years ago, and my grandad last year (well 2022). The siblings (my dads siblings) made all the afrrangements and they decided they wanted to have grans ashes in grandads cofin, then have grandads coffin in the save grave as my dad. At the time, I could not deal with this, after the funneral most people went to the grave to watch it all happen but I didn't want to see my dads grave all dug up, it really really freaked me out. So I hadn't seen the grave at all since this happened. I was really worried about it, like figured out thats where a lot of my anxiety was coming from. I didn't know if there would be a new headstone (my mum and I designed my dad's headstone. It's a really special personal thing to us) or like what it would look like.

So we travel there, we stop and get some flowers on the way and Alex is being so nice and supportive, she's being like so gentle and caring and making sure I have everything I need. When we get to the grave, it's typical scottish weather, meaning its windy and cold as hell, but at least it isn't raining. We found the grave pretty quickly, the headstone is still there, just in front of it there a little plaque for my grandad. Alex immediately helped me tidy up things, clean stuff off and get the flowers looking all nice. I don't know how to describe it other than she just new exactly what to do and what to say, it was so comforting to have her there. On his headstone there's a picture that I took of him, and realised I'd never shown Alex any pictures at all. I said something like well yeah I took that picture, thats's what he looked like. She just took my hand, squeezed it and told me she's sorry she never got to meet him, but from what Ive told her she thinks they would have gotten on. I agreed and we had a silly little conversation about it all. I didn't cry at all, but I haven't stopped crying while I'm writing this. It's happy tears, because it was such a lovely and comforting time, I think I'm going to ask her if we can make this a thing we do every year.

We visited my mum after that, Alex got to see my childhood home and even got some new shoes out of it (that my mum was trying to get me to take, but they fit Alex better) I didn't know if my mum had been to the grave, and I didn't want to say anything as her partner was in the room with us. I noticed in the photoframe in her living room all the pictures of my dad were gone and were now replaced with pictures of her partner and their grandaughter, which obviously is fine, but it definitely added to me not wanting to talk to her about the grave.

We then spent the next two days (30th-1st) at my friends house where we played gsmes, had lost of fun and drank a lot of alcohol. A lot of funny things happened, but most importantly I just felt so so conected to Alex throughout the whole time. My friends were great as always and Alex just fit into our friendship dynamic so well. I caught her a few times giving me that in love look everyone has told me she does, and it felt so so good after all the uncertainty and just general badness I'd been feeling about everything.

We traveled back on the 1st as Alex had to be home for jury duty starting the 2nd. I had hoped I could sneakily get another night to stay over with her if we got home late enough. To my surprise, she expected me to stay and didn't even offer to take me home instead. We pretty much got back to hers, had some food and showered, then fell asleep. I was in bed by 10pm and didn't wake up until 7am, its the best sleep I've had in years! Alex had to be at court before 9 so she ended up dropping me back home at about 8:20 and then texted me quite a lot while she was waitign to be allcated a trial. Obviously she cant tell me anything about it, and today she's most likely gone straight in again as I've had one text today, but I don't mind too much.

Other things that have happened since my last update: Ash's FWB person Holly totally caught feelings, Ash shut her down immaiedately told her she doesn't have time for another relationship, but would like to kee seeing her if she was okay with that. Holly has now got a girlfriend, so Ash has to have the poly talk with her to make sure they're on the same page and everything. Ash was supposed to be seeing Holly yesterday but woke up ill, so they've rearranged for Thursday.

Things that are happening soon: DND on sunday! it'll be nice to see everyone again. Then next week on wednesday, I'm seeing Ellie for I guess another date, we're gonna go shopping then go back to Alex's house to stay over. I eneded up making her a collar for chrismtas, and ordered a tag for it which arrived yesterday and looks sooooo cute. If it didn't say slut on it, I'd absolutely make her wear it while we're out haha.
 
Dnd last week went well, we had an extra long session and although my attention definitely wavered in the middle, our wizard got the dream spell so created a whole bunch of roleplay oppertunities. My character and her gf got to have a nice dream date, which Ash and I didn't roleplay in front of the group but did later in the week and that was fun. Ellie was very quiet and not replying to messages and then eventually on Tuesday messaged me to say she's not been feeling great and needs to have time to sort herself out. She reassureed me she deifnitely wants to reschedule and still go on a date but doesn't feel up to it now. I told her to put herself first and that if she ever even needed anyone to talk to or to just meet up with I was there, she thanked me for being so supportive and understanding. I've left the ball in her court, hopefully she feels a but better soon.

Alex and I are due to see Emilia this week but she has been her usual not chatty self. Ash actually saw her at a concert she went to on Friday and said Emilia was trying, but was definitely tired and not feeling great. She has a bunch of medical stuff and has been ill for a while, and winter is just the worst for her so I get it. Hopefully we can see her this week.

Talking of Ash, her FWB came over on Thursday and no sex happened at all. Ash realised that she literally just wants the benefits part of that arrangement because when they're not having sex, they don't really have anything in common. She was a bit torn up about it and then this week in therapy she went over it all and her therapist told her to just break it off because it's casuing more problems than good. So she did, and then seemed a little upset that Holly had such a chill 'oh okay, that'a fine' reaction. Not sure if she's just a bit caught up in emotions, or if she also has some kind of feelings she doesn't realise she has.

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional day for me. I feel a bit stupid for it, and when I talked about it with Josie she doesn't see the big deal either. I've been trying to arrange a holiday for the polycule for this year and it pretty much comes down to everyone getting time off work and everyone having their passports in date. Alex has needed to renew her passport but has been putting it off for months. I've been asking her nicely too and yesterday I was really getting on at her to do it. Previously when talking about going away somehwere she'd said it sounds fun, then yesterday she dropped that she definitely doesn't want to go. I tried to question if it's because it's with potentially Ash and definitely Josie. She couldn't give a straight answer other than she doesn't think she'd had have fun and it's a lot of money to spend on doing something she wouldn't enjoy.

I was upset, not because she doesn't want to go on holiday as a family, but because this has implications for what the rest of our relationship is going to look like. I brought up these feelings that like just now it's a holiday, but every year so far she's spent christmas with her family and not me. Like when do our lives stop being seperate? and I guess the answer is never because she wants to live alone forever, wants things to continue as they are. I asked her if we were on the same page about what our relationship is, I told her I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I don't think she worded it very well, but she then said that she didn't go into dating me with the expectation that this would turn into this, but it doesn't mean she doesn't like it. It hurt to hear her not say she's serious about being in a commited relationship with me, and I think she figured that out too because she then followed it up with she doesn't want to be tied down and have a relationship that stops her doing things she wants to do.

I honestly was feeling really bad about it all yesterday. Her actions spoke lounder than words though as she made me dinner and cuddled me, we had a nice rest of the day after that. I guess I'm just sad about it, but hopefully I can have a shorter holiday with her at some point. We have a wedding to go to in April so I'm thinking we can maybe have a little holiday then.

I'm focusing on self love and doing things that are good for me this year. I've never seriously tried healthy eating and exercise so I'm giving that a go just now. I'm mostly just practicing yoga and just making sure to not go over calories. I've been horrendous for stress eating so I guess we'll see how it goes. If I lose any weight I might be a little bit happier in life too. My self esteem is pretty non existent just now so I hope this helps
 
The weight loss stuff is going good, it's a bit of a point of contention in my house just now because Ash needs to lose weight for surgery and well hasn't Every 6 months she has to prove to the gender service that yes she still wants to surgery and is trying but losing 30kg of weight when she works 12 hour shifts and doesn't have time to eat healthy food/unhealthy food gives her the energy she needs for work, is really tough. I understand she's frustrated but she is being such a nightmare to be around just now because she hates that i'm calorie counting.

This all came to head today when she basically cornered me and told me she cant watch me starve myself an develop an eating disorder and asked why I want to hurt myself like this. I was very confused, explained to her I am eating enough, I'm just watching what I eat and tying to better myself and my lifestyle. Turns out she was convinced someone had said something to me to make me think I have to lose weight for them. I set the record straight, and she promised to try be more supportive. Guess we'll see how that goes. Josie is trying is trying to lose weight with me, but because she's taller and trying to lose less than me a week she has like 600 more calories to eat than me so most of Ash's frustration has been from Josie boasting about that and watching me getting annoyed because oh boy does it suck to have someone flaunting that they can eat whatever when you have to plan stuff so carefully.

I'm still no further forward on planning any sort of holiday with Alex, in fact she was given a link to book a room at the hotel for the wedding and still hasn't done that. She's very obviously overwhelmed with everything she has to do and has had a very rough recovery from surgery (Which I realised I didn't mention on here at all! she had a vasectomy) So she's very behind on house work and needs to do a lot of just admin adult things. She is so very stubborn though and won't accept my help, I emptied half her dishwasher for her while she was still asleep yesterday morning, I don't think she's notice or really will, I do sneaky bits to help like that a lot haha.

I'm trying not to get frustrated at her because as she's proven she can get stuff done on her own, she just isn't feeling 100% okay or herself just now, like this week has been the first time we've been able to go to archery because until now standing and driving has been painful for her s i'm not blaming her. I just wish when she says she'll do something she'll actually do it, but I know that's just my anxiety and planning personality trying to take over and get things sorted so they will be sorted. You'd think it would be easier for me to date people who like to plan like I do, but from people I've met who are like that I actually hate it because I want to be in charge of stuff not have others fighting me for it.

Things coming up: Ash is going to visit Tee tomorrow for a few days which is exciting! due to the pandemic we haven't seen Tee since I think like February 2020 so it'll be nice for Ash to go visit. It also means I'm going to get some well deserved time alone in the house! Josie took all of this last week off work for some holidays, and I've been feeling a bit trapped in my own home because she's been in the living room playing games and stuff and my ADHD means if theres a TV on in a room I cannot concentrate on what I'm doing, so I spent most this week working in my office just so I had stuff to do.

Oh on other people! I did meet up with Ellie just to catch up, we had lunch and went to an arcade and had good fun. We kissed and held hands but nothing else happened, I made a sort of joking comment about going back to hers to see what she'd say but she didn't bite which is 100% okay. I really enjoy her company so I don't mind if not every encounter ends in sex or not, I guess this is the whole casual relationship thing people talk about? I was supposed to see Emilia yesterday butttttt I got my period and well Alex is fine with period sex but It's not something I really wanted to subject anyone else to, and Emilia didn't reply when I told her anyway so I guess she didn't seem thrilled at the idea either haha.
 
I just read my last post to give an update on some stuff and omg I do actually have exciting stuff to share!

So first of all, weight loss stuff is going really well. I'm averaging on losing 1kg a week and i've lost like 9.5kg which is pretty good! Josie is still calorie counting with me but since she isn't putting in the effort to exercise and is still eating A LOT of junk food she's only lost like 2kg in the 8 weeks we've been doing this. Ash got a dosctors note to limit her working hours to 35 instead of the 50-odd she was doing before. This week she has 4 days off this week and is definitely enjoying having some time to be at home.

The most important update! we got a new cat! His name is Leo, it was a bit of a sudden thing thrust upon us at one of Ash's cousin's needed to rehome some of his pets as him and his partner had too many and couldn't afford them. Within having him for a few days (just like with Jelly) I had him at the vets and he's now microchipped. Him and Jelly are still a bit cautious around each other and jelly definitely likes to play and torment him a little but they're doing okay. leo is the complete opposite of Jelly, he's so cuddly and nice, and actually growls when he wants left alone, Jelly just bites first and thinks later, he's always been like that.

Leo figured out he can climb on top of this sctratching post and Jelly imediately turned it into a game
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Alex and I finally got to see Ellie again on Monday. When we last spoke she didn't seem very into anything sex related and was having a bad time. Then last week she messaged me asking how we were and if she could see us so we all got togheter and just had a really nice time on Monday night. We had a lot of sex, cuddles, snack breaks, and played rockband. We stayed at Alex's until like midday Tuesday and Ellie was so cuddly and we just talked and cuddled for hours. I do really like just getting to see her and there being no expectation for this to be a commitment or anything.

I also noticed Alex was a lot more cuddly with me, which is always nice. She had this huge smile on ehr face for like the whole night and I kept teasing her her about it saying she looks so happy and she just kept replying that she is. She definitely really enjoys playing with others, and the three of us just mesh together so well. We may have said we'll take Ellie on a date to get Korean food at this place Messy and her partner took us last weekend, soooo I guess that's a thing now!

Last update thing is I haven't managed to get Alex to commit to a holiday for April, but getting more info on wedding stuff I'm now invited to the actual ceremony instead of just the reception and due to rehersals and everything we'll need to be there at least a day early so we're deifnitely staying the 6th-8th so It's a kinda mini holiday.

My friend Alex (all nb bitches are called Alex omg) is visiting me for the first time in March! I've visited her twice (and am actually, by chance, gonna visit her a 3rd time a few days before she comes here) but she hasn't really travelled and has a hard time with new situations being autistic but we're both really excited for her to get to see my local area. She's going to be staying at Alex's house for a few days since Alex has a spare bedroom now Messy has fully moved out (she still has a load of stuff to actually move out but most of that is stored in the garage now) I will update on that after it happens but we're both super excited to see each other again since we normally only get to see each other like once a year!
 
I had great fun with my friend and as usual we planned way too many acitvities and did like half of them haha. We filmed our gift exchange and she got me soooo many cute things, and I surpised her by giving her her birthday presents early too! She had sent me a link to some cute shoes she really wanted and I had said I might get them for myself and she was saying how cute it would be to match, so I did the only reaosnable thing and bought us both a pair. We wore the out together when she was here and we got a load of compliments!

Like I mentioned, we had sooo many plans, and we didn't do like half of them but we had a nice time. A big clothes shop dropped a huge hello kitty/sanrio range and we both went a little feral trying to decide what to get. I wasn't feeling super great about body image when we went the first time (spoiler, It was due to my period and it FINALLY, a week late, appeared the next day) and we were trying to not spend ages shoping so I grabbed my usual size in a cute hello kitty crop top. The next day we went in the shop inna different locaton and they had MORE stuff and this time when trying stuff on I went a size smaller because it just felt better. I thought for sure it was just the cut of the dress and the top would be fine, well I didn't try it on until yesterday and was so surpised to find the top felt big on me. I know I havn't lost weight around my chest because I was worried about it and meassured it (my tits are quite literally my pride and joy haha) so it was so weird to wear something and it not fit correctly. I'm sure it'll be fine, was just a bit of a weird monent that showed me that the whole weight loss thing is actually working.

A HUGE thing that I only found out a like a week ago is Josie has 2 new partners now?? So basically shes sure she told me and Ash, and I do rememebr the conversation where she 'told' us, but we totally treated it like it was a joke and not thing that was happening. Her and the two people after taking a break and just being friendly started talking more again, and Josie started saying stuff about our extended polycule. We joke about stuff like this all the time, especially when I talk about people like Ellie and Amelia and I get teased about it. So Ash and I took this as yes our extended polycule with your two partners haha yes. Turns out she was completely serious and and they had all agreed to be in a triad! (I don't even have a shape to describe our polycule now) I've now met both of these new partners and they are really nice and fun. It's still early days and after what happeend last time with them I'm not holding out any expectations.

I'm due to see Ellie again this coming week, she wanted to meet up last week but alex and I were so busy with my friend visiting and Alex has also been at a stag do this weekend so we really didn't have time at all. We should be seeing her on Wednesday though which will be nice. My week is gonna be a busy one: Work on monday, archery and the staying at Alex's on Tuesday, Wednesday not sure if I'll be at Alex's for the day still but that evening we'll see Ellie and most likely stay over again. Thursday is work day, and then early Friday morning I'm getting a train to then get a coach to meet my mum in Blackpool for a holiday she's planned for us. We'll be just spending friday to monday there, going to the theem park and the indoor water park. It's something we haven't done in over 10 years together, and the last holiday we took together was like 6 years ago so it's well overdue.

After next we have a tiny bit of a break then it's wedding time! I'm excited to 1. See how good Alex is gonna look in her suit. 2. Dress up and look cute. 3. Get to have a few nice (hopefully not stressful) few days away
 
I've been meaning to update here but life has bene busy as usual! The wedding was so sweet and nice, I cried, as usual. Alex looked sooooooo hot in her suit, and her best man speech was so heartfelt and lovely to the point for the rest of the day people kept coming up to her and congratulating her on how good it was. Some pictures because lets be real we both looked hot AF

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We had a really nice time and then the next day went to a petting zoo where I made friends with the donkey like last time I visited, and of course the Zebu and the goats as well. Alex was really good about spending time with me as I explained to her I'm treating this as our holiday together for the year since I can't get her to commit to an actual holiday. I was with her from friday to tuesday evening and she was honestly fine with it. On the day of the wedding it was a long one as we had to be up for breakfast at 8 and then ended up going to bed at about 1am. Alex was soooo tired and peopled out after the whole day but she still wanted to cuddle with me as we were lying in bed and she said something about her social battery being so so empty and I said something about I hope spending time with me doesn't drain it more. I expected her to like laugh or something but she actually agreed with me that I don't drain it like everyone else does. I know that doesn't sound huge but I could have cried honestly, its always been a point of contention that her social battery isn't great, and hearing her say that (and then actually following through by spending all the time with me) was really special.

Last weekend we had plans to go to archery as usual but thn my body decided to try kill me (Check out ovarian cycst rupture symptoms, been dealing with this since I was 12 so I'm used to it by now) It was a really bad one and Alex basically looked after me for all of saturday then I was home on Sunday but everyone was working and I was not dealing with the pain well at all so Alex came over and stayed for like 5 hours until Josie got home just to make sure I was okay. That was really sweet and just further cemeented that she really really does care and love me so much. I know she does, but anxiety sure is a bitch sometimes in making me think she doesn't.

On Tuesday we had a full polycule date where we got Korean food and it was so sooooooo good. Ash and Alex got to meet Josie's partners, I guess I better give them names soooooo Callie and Rachel. We had a nice time, it was loterally 6 people with autism/ADHD at a table together so there was not a moment of silence. I hadn't really eaten since Friday due to my stomach protesting so I ate A LOT of food, and I would 100% do that again. it ended up only being like £30 each which for all the food and drinks we had was aamzing honestly. Everyone got on fine, I don't think it's going to alwasy be a happy 6 people kitchen poly meet up thing we'll do but we wanted to at least introduce everyone so if we hang out more everyone is familiar.

Okay, onto stupid house shit then excitkgn news for at the end. We were having a nice normal wednesday night, Josie was out on a date with Rachel, I was due to be having an online game date with Alex. Ash was cooking dinner while I was finishing up my yoga upstairs when I hear Ash screaming my name. I go downstairs to the kitchen and there is just water everywhere. Cue the most stressful next like hour of my life trying to figure out wtf was going on. Turns out whoever did the plumbing in the kitchen installed the tap wrong which causes the pipe to rub against each other and corode and the hot water one finally gave up and burst. We had to turn the boiler off because yeah it was hot water spraying everywhere, then when we foind the stockcock the water WOULD not turn off at all. We ended up turning every sink in the house on the reduce the water preassure enough where we could swap between collecting the water with a bucket and the mop bucket. Had to call out an emergency plumber who told us oh yeah the stopcock just doesn't work??? he had to use the valve next to it or something? No clue honestly, but most importantly he disconnected it and then installed a new tap for us yesterday.

That cost like £600 for all that and the water DESTROYED the floor! We had lino down over tiles and it was sort of a blessing in disguise because we had wanted to take it up at some point to see how bad the tiles undernearth were. The tiles are nice, some are cracked and the grouting despertely needs doing, but its okay just now. Joie has wanted to redo the kitchen since we found all the problems with it and well this has sorted kickstarted that as the unti the sink is it is so waterloggd it needs replacing as well if we get a new floor we may as well get a new kitchen. We're having someone come to take meassurements of it all today then we're going from there.

Okay onto the exciting news! I didn't even mention this but for Ash's birthday I wrote her a song and Alex and I recorded it all. I then got a bunch of pictures of us from over the years and put it all together in a video. I was going to send her the link to the video on ehr birthday (The day fo the wedding) but I sent it on Sunday as the booking for the hote had a whole bit about how the internet wasn't great due to the rural location. Well Ash loved it and cried, she sent me a voice message saying she couldn't even out into words ohow much it means, and finished the message asking me to marry her. I sort of brushed it off and didn't take it seriously because Ash has ALWAYS had commitment issues and made it clear she never wants to get married.

After I was back home from the few days away Ash asked me if I'd heard what she said in the vice message and I had to be like yeah but I can't legally marry several people. Josie and I agreed many many years ago if any of the polycule are getting married, it's me and her. We've always agreed on that and I'd mentioend that to all my partners several times. I basically said to ash, sadly I am contractually binded to another for legal marriage, however I would 100% (and really want to) have a ceremony of some sort with all of my partners. The next day I told Josie about the whole Ash asking me thing and she was like nope I asked first I have claim and I was like well you better ask me properly then. I was joking, I was trying to be funny and Josie looks at me really seriously and tells me the only reason she hasn't asked is because she knows I wanted to pick out my own ring and becasue I haven't yet that why she hasn't asked.

So um I've picked out a ring, and Josie has also picked out a ring she likes as we agreed, double propsals are kind funny and like we both wanna have cute engangment rings. I didn't really had a propsoal plan until Josie told me what ring she wants and now I totally have an idea and I guess I might be the one to at least intiate a proposal!? We've agreed to wait until we've both bought the rings before anything happens. Including pictures because omg I want these rings now they're so cute! The one on the right is mine (With a different engraving, Josie is keeping that a secret) and the one on the left hers

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Writing this here just in case I forget! (Unlikely, but you never know) I've come up with the cutest proposal idea ever! I gave Josie a heads up I plan to propose in June, at first she was like why did you tell me it's supposed to be a surprise!! then I pointed out that if she wants to have my ring ready so we can do our sort of double proposal she needs to know when to have it by.

I have a ring sizer on its way and when we have definite ring sizes I'm going to order her ring just because I want to get it ordered sooner rather than later since it's going to be custom made and coming from Canada I think? I realised I luckily have the perfect excuse to take her on a fun date and film the whole thing and use the excuse of I saw someone else do the idea and I'm filming it for my youtube channel. Each year for our anniversary we go to our favourite cheap lunch place and go to build a bear, so me preparing a fun sort of date adventure where we do these things won't be totally out of the blue or suspicious.

I won't write too much in case she somehow finds this (she never reads it but knows I write here) but I will say I bought the CUTEST ring box for the ring to go in. She's going to love it! I also stumbled upon this incredible wedding planning app that has like quizs and everything to help determine what kind of cake, photographer, venue, and loads of other stuff you want for the wedding and matches you up with local companies based on your results. I am in love with it and may already have my eye on a venue we both really like eeek!
 
The ring for Josie has been ordered, after a bit of a scary morning of the tracking showing the ring sizer and all the other stuff I ordered for the proposal was delivered to the wrong house, it was finally delivered here. The ring is due to be here next friday which is kinda a pain because I need to wait until a friday for my plan to work, but this gives me a week to get everything put together, and also gives the ring time to be a few days late.

Yesterday I requested more info from the venue we like and they got back to me this morning with a price guide, the prices I saw from them before was going to put venue hire and catering to about 5.5k which did put us over budget, but seeing their actual price guide it's looks to be about 4k which is nice. Will update with more stuff later, now just to wait for the ring to arrive and to perfect my speech and plan aaaah!

A pic of the final design of the ring <3

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Well, my over-researching and planning led to finding out a very very important thing we would have had NO idea about until it was too late. I was looking up the legality side of what having different celebrants at the wedding would mean. I came across a citizen's advice page about the legal system of getting married, and on the first page was something neither us us had thought about at all. Josie is trans, but has been living as a woman for the last 7 years. All her ID says female, literally everything has her as a woman, apart from her birth certificate. Marriage certificates go off your birth certificate, so if she marries me in her current state, she would go down as a man marrying me.

We were aware of a gender recognition certificate, but because of how much work and hassle it is to get all the evidence for it, Josie hasn't bothered, as she has no trouble whatsoever in daily life with ID, or anything like that. so we really didn't think we would need to bother with one. Luckily, Josie has been good at keeping all her important medical documentation, so we have literally like 15 files for it and, like, tons of proof of her living in her affirmed gender and name for the last 2 years. (Thankfully, you only have to prove 2 years, with documents for every 3 months of those 2 years.) We had to meet with a solicitor today to get them to witness the signing of the application, and get them to sign it. Then we got everything all submitted, and got her birth certificate sent off to the address they asked for it to be sent to.

The real kicker? it said it would take up to 22 weeks for the gender panel to judge this evidence. As soon as I found out, I was like, get that sent off as soon as possible. I am NOT having this delay our wedding date. wtf. Upon submitting it today, it now says it'll take 30 weeks. I'm worried they'll ask for more evidence, and that will be a whole other thing to try deal with. It's definitely put a bit of a stress timescale on everything.

I was also checking dates for possible wedding dates. our venue we want to use has a £500 supplement if the date falls within school holidays. of course, the date we wanted falls within them! We're now planning for hopefully the very last few days of April 2025, or early May.

All my proposal stuff is due to arrive in the next few days. I'm really hoping the ring gets here on time, as I am so so excited to properly propose, even through all the stress of everything. (A whole kitchen update is coming at some point. I don't even want to write about it now.) I'm still very excited to get to ask her to be my wife. <3
 
Sooooooo, I proposed on Friday!

The ring arrived like a week early and I decided since she was expecting it to happen on the 10th I would just do it super early and really suprise her. Well I did just that! I have pictures and a video!

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THE VIDEO!!!
 
We booked our wedding venue! We went to view the venue yesterday and absolutely fell in love with it. I'll include some pictures because they'll do better than words.

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We have a date set and now I can finally get so many things done! We have a zoom meeting with a celebrant on the 29th to see if we vibe. I'm in contact with a photographer too and they're doing a deal if you book with them by the end of the month you get a photobooth from their sister company for free so I deifnitely want to jump on that. There was another photographer I really wanted but they weren't avaliable for our date, but this one we're looking into I see A LOT of people use them and their pictures are pretty
 
We booked the photographer and got the photobooth for free! We had a call with the guy. he seemed really nice and down to earth. We went through what we wanted from the day. he talked us through what he usually does, and gave us a lot of suggestions, as he's shot at that venue a lot. We also booked our honeymoon. that was a massive chunk of our budget, but it is a once in a lifetime thing to do and we can afford. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. 😐 I was trying to keep our budget around 8.5k. it's more like 10k now. Oops.

Josie is going to be buying my ring for me soon (since we were supposed to be waiting to do a double proposal in June, and I was way too impatient). I'm very excited to get it, because I also wanna show it off to everyone! She said she'd like to take me out, then give me it if I don't want her to actually propose. but at this point, I just want it to have it, to be able to wear it, and also feel like I'm engaged. haha
 
This week has been a bit rough mentally. I'm not sure exactly why, but my anxiety is making me feel crazy and I just feel so on edge and panicked all the time. I recently decided to reread Alex and I's old messages, when we first met up to the first few months of us being together, and they're really cute and sweet. However (pretty sure I wrote about it here), Alex did sleep with someone and not tell me about it. At the time, i tried not to be too hurt about it, and reading it and reading all the context around it made me feel really really not good. At the time I was like well, we never defined our relationship and didn't give it a label. Like, we agreed to be poly, not exclusive or anything, so I can't be upset about it.

Rereading the messages, we 100% had at least labeled it as together and girlfriends. She slept with the person, then like a week later she told me she loved me. This timeline really fucked with me, because it still feels relevant to how we are now and it made me honestly really freak out about how much I can trust her. However, logical brain at least kicked in to say that since I pointed out she fucked up by not telling me she was sleeping with someone, she sincerly apologized and said from now on, if she does, she'll tell me, which she has done, so like she's literally doing as I ask.

This is also because we didn't talk a lot last week and didn't really get to spend a lot of quality time together, because I saw her for less than 24 hours, and in that 24 hours we were at archery and watching films and actually getting a good amount of sleep. So I feel like I just didn't really get to connect with her. When she dropped me home on Saturday we talked about how we were supposed to see Amelia, but she was being really flaky and not committing. I mentioned inviting Ellie around to see her, and she said she has a bunch of other people she hasn't talked to in awhile who we could see. I should have known I wasn't up for this, and should have said no right then, because my stomach dropped, I felt so much anxiety and badness, but in the moment couldn't figure out why.

So, I didn't say no. I agreed and said I'd leave it up to her to organise, but there was no rush. Sunday was okay until the evening, when the anxiety came back full force, because I could see Alex was online but just not replying to me. I had a bit of a spiral to her that I wasn't feeling good, and she didn't snap at me or anything, but I could tell she was annoyed. We got onto the subject of my self-worth and how I never listen to her when she tells me I'm doing well. I do have self-worth issues. I have low self esteem and too high expectations of myself, like a lot of people with ADHD. The conversation made me feel pretty shitty, but like it needed to be said.

Monday and Tuesday were okay, still feeling a bit anxious but it was bearable. On Tuesday I met up with Ellie for lunch and we went back to hers so I could force her to finish a video game I really like. I really liked hanging out with her, and honestly, I made the plans on Sunday for this because I knew I could just chat shit to her, and it would hopefully be good for my mental health to just get out the house and see someone different.

Yesterday was shit. Alex had messaged me a few times throughout the day. I'd made some comment about how my brain was just wrong this week and maybe I need her to fuck me good to reset it. Well, she said that sounded good, then asked if I wanted to fuck someone with her on Friday. It's someone she hasn't slept with before, and yeah, she looks cute from her pictures, but mentally, nope, not a good idea just now. I said this and was so overwhelmed with anxiety about what Alex's response would be. I basically said maybe next week sometime, as I don't feel great and we're also busy this weekend, with us having a mock archery competition on Saturday and a date day planned for Sunday. I said I'd rather just see her and I hoped that was okay.

She did the worst thing she could have done, which was looked at all those messages, then didn't reply, and just went to sleep, I guess? I spiraled hard. No one else was awake and I was freaking the fuck out that she was mad at me and that I'd really fucked it up by saying no. I messaged her acknowledging that I was being an idiot, but asking for reassurance that she wasn't mad at me, because at that point I was convinced she was going to sleep with this person, so I wouldn't get to stay over. Then we wouldn't do archery, and the whole weekend's plans would be ruined. And then, we'd have to break up since, obviously, she doesn't care about me enough to try support me, and instead would brush me off to fuck some stranger instead. As you can see, it was a hell of a spiral.

I woke up to a message from her today saying that I'm fine and that I'm not expected to fuck people all the time. I explained my feelings a bit more now I'd slept on it, and rantionalised a few things, and she replied saying she's sorry my brain is being mean, but she'll do what she can to help, which meant a lot, honestly. I feel a little better today. My period isn't due until next Wednesday, but I had some spotting yesterday, so it might be about to appear a little early. That would explain why I'm such a mess, fucking hormones and shit.

On nicer not me losing my shit news, my engagement ring arrived! I've getting used to wearing it during the day. I do quite a lot of work with my hands, and obviously I'm doing yoga and archery, so I can't wear it all the time. I've ordered two different ring holder necklaces which I'm excited to get, tbh. I hope I feel more like myself and this passes soon, because I feel just so incredibly shitty and anxious all the time. Picture of ring to make this entry a little bit happier.

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The general anxiety and feeling terrible has improved slightly, but I still feel pretty crappy. I had a big talk with Alex about our expectations and how we can both be happier in our relationship. We talked a lot, and I just felt really, I don't know, kinda blindsided by some of the things she said. I thought I had been doing so well, that I was really working on my own insecurity and feeling just so confident and good about myself and my relationships. I now don't know that to think with this horrific dip in mood and with everything Alex said to me.

She told me she feels she has to invite me to sleep with people she wants to sleep with because I'll be upset if I don't. I was so confused because we went through a whole thing in December, literally about this, where we had an at-length discussion about sleeping with people, and going through our ground rules around safety and everything. Like, I know I expressed to her my concerns and worry about the situation that could happen (and reading back on the update from the time I'm now even more confused), but I thought that I made it clear I was anxious about it due to past trauma and self worth. She said a lot of things to me, which I know from asking further questions, she worded wrong or I picked up what she said wrong.

I don't even know how to word any of it without making her look like the most insensitive idiot in the world. I got home and told Ash about it, and she just looked really sad for me. I guess that was when it really clicked that Alex didn't say the best and most comforting things. What it really came down to was I told her I'm not jealous of her talking to new people, or arranging to sleep with them or whatever. But seeing her spend more time talking to them didn't make me feel great because it makes me feel less important. I explained about NRE and how I understand it can be super exciting and make you sort of forget the world around you, but with how little she already talks to me, having her send even less messages to me, because she has someone new to talk to, makes me feel bad because, well, I still deserve to feel secure in my relationship, even if she has new exciting prospects.

She also wouldn't confirm if we were in a serious relationship, or not. I explained I see her as a life partner. Like, for fucks sake, she's going to be included in my wedding ceremony. She's that important to me. She said she loved me, and she likes spending time with me, but sometimes quality time should mean more than quantity time, and after spending a whole day with me and archery and doing stuff, she's pretty wiped out and thinks it's stupid to make sure we definitely spend a full 24 hours together. I obviously did not take either of those things well. Like, how was I supposed to?

I was under the impression she only wanted to sleep with people, not go on dates or anything like that, because she barely has enough social energy for me. Then she dropped that she'd rather spend less time with me, because just now she feels she can't see people because I take up all of her time. She then asked me if it was fair she used all her social energy on me. I said no, and she asked if that's what I really thought. I felt I was being sort of interrogated for the morally correct answers. I know that it isn't fair if she's unhappy spending time with just me, to demand that, she deserves to be happy just as much as I do. The whole thing needed to be said. But I felt even worse after it, because like everything I thought I knew about our relationship wasn't true. I was convinced that I was losing it, and I'd just made up that everything was okay in my head to make myself feel okay these last few months.

I spent basically the whole weekend thinking about this and how to compromise and make things better. We're now trialling that she doesn't need to reply as often to me, but she takes a chunk of time out of her day just to message me so we can actually talk, rather than me getting 3 replies over the whole day and us not actually getting to have a conversation because of how far apart they are. Since being home yesterday she made a real effort to text more, so I feel okay on that front. Anxiety brain is being a real bitch to me though, because she mentioned during our talk that she finds it almost creepy and weird that as soon as she messages I've seen the message immediately and I'll reply. I'll be real, I run a business and spend a lot of time on my phone talking to customers, ordering stock. I am on my phone a hell of a lot, so me replying fast is literally just because I've seen her message, got excited and clicked on it, and am replying so I don't forget (because I'm also constantly fighting ADHD brain to remember to do things).

I do feel better today. We have plans to see Messy and her partner for dinner today. (I've got to give them their save the date for the wedding.) I was really all excited and happy about this. Then Alex told me Messy forgot to book the place and now she doesn't know what's going on. To save myself the stress, I just messaged Messy to find out what was going on and what time. I have all that info now, so feel a lot calmer and can plan the rest of my day accordingly. Feeling a bit more optimistic about the day now that I know what's going on and can plan. Now I just want UPS to deliver my parcel like they said they would!
 
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