Well it looks like things my be progressing as I have feared. Last night, for all intents and purposes, I lost my primary status. TMI ALERT!!!!
Yesterday morning, while she was getting ready for work, I decided to surprise my wife with a little bit of oral pleasure. It is one thing that I know she loves. I have been told I do it better than anyone she has ever been with. It seemed like she enjoyed it. So, we do that and then it's off to work for both of us. I sent her a message to let her know that I hoped she enjoyed the surprise and that I hoped it made her morning a little brighter.
Last evening, after dinner, I was lying in bed reading a book. She came into the room, straddled my legs and then performed oral sex on me. She does not like giving head, and when it comes to oral sex, we have never had a quid-pro-quo relationship. I was in shock! She will barely kiss me lately, much less do anything of a sexual nature with me.
Well, after she was finished, she looked up with what I can only think of as contempt in her eyes and said, "Now, from now on, if you want anything else, you have to ask permission." Endorphins running high, I thought that maybe the contempt in her eyes was actually a dark playfulness. I thought that maybe she is telling me that she wants to be my Top or Domme. Both of us being interested in the BDSM lifestyle, this is an option that we have discussed and that would come sort of naturally to us.
So I asked, "Ask you [for permission]?"
She said, "No."
So I asked, "Ask him?" [Referring to her online Dom.]
"Yes."
There was a flash of anger and jealousy and pain, but I reigned it in. I got up, went for a smoke, and then I went to her and thanked her for the surprise. I asked her if that was really how she wanted things to be. She thought and then gave me an answer that wasn't really an answer.
"What if I said yes?"
I told her that I was committed to giving her everything that she wants. Later, I asked if she was only going to apply to me, or if it would apply to all of her paramours. Again she thought for a long time and reluctantly said, "To everyone." I have no reason to believe that she was sincere in that statement, but I also have no reason to doubt it.
A couple of weeks ago, I was asked not to try to contact the Dom. I asked how I would go about asking permission if I was not to contact him. My wife told me that I could contact him as long as I didn't go off on him and start an argument. To me it is funny that I am expected to show this man deference and respect when he has shown me none. However, if I do decide to contact him, I will take the moral high road and I will show him the respect that he and my wife are refusing to show me. I am after all, polyamorous.
All this said, I believe that this whole thing equates to the loss of my primary status. I am now reduced to being a roommate, a roommate that pays all the bills, provides food, shelter and transportation, cooks, cleans, packs lunches and irons her scrubs every morning before work. Is it wrong of me to expect, if she has transferred primary status to him, that he start providing for her? Am I wrong in wanting him to pay for her car and her food and her half of the mortgage? Shouldn't he put her on his health insurance? I've never not been the primary, so I'm not sure.
GalaGirl, to answer your question, all options in regards to saving this marriage have not yet been exhausted. Therefore, I will not quit. So, yes, I am waiting for her to make a move. Unfortunately, the specter of divorce has been hung over my head so many times in the last 16 years that it has become like the story of the boy who cried wolf. I can't believe it. Therefore, at some point I am going to get eaten up and no one is going to come to my rescue!
Kevin, yeah, it sucks.
Weeks ago she told me that she wanted me to be more romantic. I have been. Flowers, gifts, sweet love notes left as surprises, text messages and phone calls, tender touches and massages. I just can't compete.
Today, I think I am going to write [private info deleted] a letter. I don't know if I will send it, but I will give it to my wife to read. I want to tell him that, as I say, there are three sides to every story; my side, her side and what is really going on. I'd like to give him my side so that he might be able to determine what is really going on. Conversely, I'd like to hear his side. I'd like to let him know that I don't hate him (even though I probably should) and that he is not my enemy. I'd like to tell him that I don't wish to compete with him, that there is no need for a competition and that my wife has the capacity to love us both. But I fear that if I do send him a letter like this, it will fall on deaf ears.
All that being said, what do you think?
