I would say the needs of a healthy trio trumps any of the individual people's needs/desires. You are not wrong to want a break. You just got back. You see again that there is no follow-through on simple requests. You asked them to not have sex for 2 days.
You are struggling with many things. Where is your guilt for having needs coming from? I suspect you are in Stage 1 or 2. Maybe you're in the "ping-pong place" of
stage 3 , where you struggle and don't want to lose/leave what you have, but want the UGH to stop already. Please think about seeking local support. You are being poorly treated here.
No, you are not unreasonable to want some chill-out time.
You're being made to feel guilty, like your needs are "demanding" or "controlling," when in fact they are reasonable, and it is actually that they do not want to change
their behavior and follow through on
their promises. Remember there is a difference between actuality and perceived reality. If you are confused because people are blowing smoke in your eyes and up your ass over there, you can always post here for other input.
Polymath is only one of your problems. MANY of your mini relationships inside the bigger polyship are not cool, so it is felt across all the layers.
Here are the tiers of your relationships:
SOLO
you <---> you How you relate to yourself. You are not a footloose single person. You are not married. You are a person in a triad. What you do affects others.
G <---> G This is weak. He does not understand or care about how what he does affects others in the triad.
H <---> H This is weak. She does not understand or care about how what she does affects others in the triad.
SINGLES
You ---> G You communicate to G and he receives your message.
You ---> H
G ----> You This is weak. He says one thing, does another.
G ---> H Caution. Who knows what stories he tells her that could be affecting you?
H ---> you She seems to try, but is not solid. Says one thing, but does another, of her will, or because she got smooth-talked by G? Who knows or cares? The outcome is still the same for you-- pain.
H ---> G Who knows? You don't have to care.
DOUBLES
You <----> (G + H) To save space, communication arrow going both directions. You talk. They hear, but do not follow through. But your talking is ok.
H <----> (You + G) Mixed messages.
G <-----> (You + H) Bossy, controlling.
TRIPLES
You + G + H working as a team.
This is weak. Not all players understand that the needs of the healthy triad trump all individual needs.
GHOST LAYERS
How you want to be should this break up. H is out, and you and G stay together? You're out, and G and H stay together? G is out, and you and H stay together? Everyone single? Something else?
This is weak. There is no plan.
I would not rush to try to repair or solve any of those tiers of relationship. I would sit back and reflect on their words and actions-- words spoken vs actions done. They seem to consistently break their word, and carry out actions to suit themselves. This is not a healthy dynamic, if your wants, needs, and limits are constantly thrown under the bus.
I know contemplating changes and a new way of life is scary, unknown, and daunting. But if you choose to go to your parents and rebuild a life on your own, I have faith that you can do it.
Here's the advice to friends and family of a person in stage 2:
- Help the woman talk through costs and benefits of the relationship – now and in the future;
- Discuss her fears of leaving, e.g., lack of resources – money, accommodations, social support, not wanting to be alone, shame, feelings of failure;
- Ask for her views of danger to herself, her children, to others whether she stays or leaves; remember there is an increased chance of a woman being murdered after she leaves a man who has a history of being controlling;
- Affirm that what she is experiencing is abusive and that she does not deserve it, nor is she to blame;
- Ask her for all the ways she (and her children) are being affected – psychologically, ability to function at work, ability to pursue dreams;
- Help her make a safety plan;
- Respect her decisions.
Do you want to be thinking/talking about any of this stuff? Do you need stage 1 things right now instead?
YOU are in charge of your life. You may not know where you want to go, but
YOU are the captain of your own ship.
You have worth, dignity, and value.
I note you did not answer me when I asked if Garth had made threats when he told you that your leaving was "a loaded gun you better put down." I am not sure if he has threatened to harm you, the kids, himself, H, or whoever. You do not have to say anything you do not want to say, but I'm going to keep on treating you the same way I treat my own friends who have been through crazy abuse.
I hope you are safe where you are, and you have safe phone and internet access so you can reach out to others.
I will keep on telling you that you have worth, dignity, and value, and do
not deserve poor treatment.
I will keep hoping for you and your kids and that you reach a safer space.
GG
