left out of the NRE

[BoringGuy]

If I were you... well, I wouldn't be where you are in the first place. But if I stepped into your place and took over your body, the first thing I would do is demote H from a roommate to a guest in your home, and proceed to treat her as such. Then I would tell both of them that H is G's problem, and you are not going to "work with" her anymore. You are going to tell her how things are done in your home, and if she disrespects the people who live in your home, she will be required to leave it.

G can go fuck her in a hotel or a rooming house, or in the parking lot of a highway rest stop, if it's too much money to get a room, or if the PAX is in town and all the rooms are booked solid.

 

[BoringGuy]

Sure it's not implantation spotting? She's actually having a period?

Yeah, and if he keeps cumming inside her, this "period" means jack shit.

 

[FullofLove1052]

I would not get too excited just yet. If she was just ovulating, her period would be extremely early. If she has an established history of inconsistent menses, then sure. I would suggest she take a HPT in 4-6 weeks. Early spotting or implantation bleeding is often confused with the regular cycle. Particularly if the cycle is already really light. Even with the most sensitive of tests, it would be too soon at under seven days. If she was ovulating, there was a window. Judging by what you said, it was not just a one-time thing. For your sake, I hope she is not pregnant. That just might be the straw to break the camel's back.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from purpleboots):

"So H was going to leave and G convinced her to stay. He says I should try to talk to her. Frankly, I don't know what to say and she won't even make eye contact with me, leaves the room when I come in."

That makes it simple. Tell G, "I am unable to talk to H at this time because she leaves the room when I come in. I suggest you get her to talk to me."

 

[GalaGirl]

That makes it simple. Tell G, "I am unable to talk to H at this time because she leaves the room when I come in. I suggest you get her to talk to me."

I beg your pardon, Kevin, but I have to disagree. Purpleboots giving her time away willy-nilly is not a good thing with these people.

Garth gets Helen to show up willing to talk? So flippin' what?

That doesn't mean Purpleboots is willing to talk at that time, or has to be up for it just because they are. And about what? Martians? Crayons?

It's just a lot easier for Purpleboots to state her own position and give clear communication about where she stands at this time.

"I suggest you get her to talk to me about _____ at these acceptable times_______. That I am willing to entertain. No more, no less."

Something to that effect anyway -- very specific. Lather, rinse, repeat. "Specific" is much better than leaving it "open to interpretation." They can't be waking her up in the middle of the night to talk because they feel like it. They can't be getting comfort cookies from her when there are issues left pending resolution. They can't seem to figure out "basic consideration" on their own. She's got to spell it out, down to the topic/time, I suppose, because they seem like "give an inch, take a mile" types.

We teach others how we want to be treated. You gotta draw the limit somewhere. Purpleboots wants rest. She wants to make "dealing with this nutty" be by appointment only, office hours are Fridays from 3 - 5 PM. So be it. It's her time management and where/how she spends it is up to her.

She's got kids to tend, a house to run, and she's pregnant and needs extra rest. They try to bring it up at times she's got scheduled for other stuff, tough! Wait til next Friday's nutty people office hours! She doesn't have to run the 24 hr nutty people chat room and diner.

Martians? Nope.
Crayons? Nope.
Unprotected sex and family planning in polyship? Yep.

3 AM? Nope.
Baby nursing time? Nope.
3-5 PM? I can fit you in. See ya at 3 PM sharp.

They want to call her "a tyrant" because she's got limits and boundaries -- that's nice. Put it on the list to talk to the tyrant about being a tyrant... on Friday business hours! Tada! Restore some order over there. Sheesh.

GG

 

[IndieSolo]

Purpleboots, I have to say, I am done here. I give up. It seems no amount of feedback will help you see that this is a situation you need to get out of. When people come here crying, "I'm in a bad situation and need help!" then it only makes sense to seriously consider the advice that's offered! But if you're going to keep going back to the bad situation of your own free will, then stop complaining about it. Either shit or get off the pot, as they say, but quit crying about how uncomfortable the pot is if you refuse to get off it.

I truly hope you grow a spine, pack your bags, take your child, and leave this inconsiderate and emotionally abusive man. YES, he is abusive. Open your eyes. There are places you can go, and people who can help. Doesn't matter how foolishyou might feel for being in this predicament - only you can get yourself and your babies out of it.

 

[SNeacail]

We are managing to conceal the drama from the kids, but things are tense, I'm sure they can sense it, especially the oldest.

Maybe the exact details, but not the drama.

She is being selfish and unreasonable in refusing to acknowledge how they hurt me last night (which G has acknowledged) and instead being mad at my reaction and bringing everything back to how I'm depriving her of sex with G.

She sounds like a teenager, a child who just pretends to be an adult.

 

[purpleboots]

I would not get too excited just yet. If she was just ovulating, her period would be extremely early. If she has an established history of inconsistent menses, then sure. I would suggest she take a HPT in 4-6 weeks. Early spotting or implantation bleeding is often confused with the regular cycle. Particularly if the cycle is already really light. Even with the most sensitive of tests, it would be too soon at under seven days. If she was ovulating, there was a window. Judging by what you said, it was not just a one time thing. For your sake, I hope she is not pregnant. That just might be the straw to break the camel's back.

Yeah, you're right. It could be very heavy implantation bleeding.

There is peace for now. H apologised for sulking and being passive aggressive all day. We all want this peace to last. I told her last night that if she was going to keep treating me this way in my own home that she had to leave. I don't think she realized how serious it had gotten for me. I told them they were being selfish and self absorbed. They seemed to finally register that. They have committed in several conversations over the past few days, to always using condoms.

It's early. It's only been a week. But I am being offered the things that I need. Will get a concrete list of commitments and we will see.

 

[nllswing]

The problem with equal triads that often they reach the point where two wolves and a sheep have to decide what to have for dinner. You can be wolf on one day, sheep on another.

 

[BoringGuy]

They have committed in several conversations over the past few days, to always using condoms.

LOL. That's a good one. Who wants to bet that Purple will be back here in less than a week with a story about how the condom "broke"? I can hardly wait...

 

[purpleboots]

Purpleboots, I have to say, I am done here. I give up. It seems no amount of feedback will help you see that this is a situation you need to get out of. When people come here crying, "I'm in a bad situation and need help!" then it only makes sense to seriously consider the advice that's offered! But if you're going to keep going back to the bad situation of your own free will, then stop complaining about it. Either shit or get off the pot, as they say, but quit crying about how uncomfortable the pot is if you refuse to get off it.

I truly hope you grow a spine, pack your bags, take your child, and leave this inconsiderate and emotionally abusive man. YES, he is abusive. Open your eyes. There are places you can go, and people who can help. Doesn't matter how foolish you might feel for being in this predicament-- only you can get yourself and your baby out of it.

I understand your frustration. If you're sick of hearing about it, don't read the thread. If everyone echoed your sentiments i would not be continuing to post here for support and suggestions. You've made it clear how you feel, but you are one of many people participating in this thread.

Currently, I would prefer this emotional abuse to living on welfare as a single mom with a toddler and an infant (not to mention moving my entire life out during my third trimester). That's my choice.

My father is a bipolar alcoholic and mother's anxiety is unbearable to be around. My home life is calm by comparison. Moving out on my own is the only alternative to this situation that I have.

Anyway, I don't need to justify my actions and choices to you.

 

[kdt26417]

Well hold G and H responsible for the promises they are making to do better (and a broken condom would be highly suspicious). As for when they (or just H) want to talk to you, if they catch you at a bad time, just tell them, "I'm sorry, this is a bad time for me. Could we continue this at [such and such a time]?"

They are kids, so you will have to be the adult. They will press their boundaries, so you will have to be specific. Ideally, there should be consequences for bad behavior. You are right in saying H can't live with you if she's going to treat you like crap. Hold to that consequence if she violates that boundary.

I'll still suspend disbelief and hope they'll do better. Any progress might be just a precious little at a time though.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I told her last night that if she was going to keep treating me this way in my own home that she had to leave.

Good. Enforce consequences! For Garth too, because it takes two to tango, dude.

they have committed in several conversations over the past few fays, to always using condoms. It's early. It's only been a week. But I am being offered the things that I need. Will get a concrete list of commitments and we will see.

I hope for your sake they shape it up.

Currently, I would prefer this emotional abuse to living on welfare as a single mom with a toddler and an infant (not to mention moving my entire life out during my third trimester). That's my choice. My father is a bipolar alcoholic and mother's anxiety is unbearable to be around. My home life is calm by comparison, Moving out on my own is the only alternative to this situation that I have.

Ugh. I'm sorry your immediate options are so poor, especially in your last trimester.

Even so, you could still consider making your safe exit plan, just in case they do not shape up. You could make some calls -- just get to know what resources are out there.

Last trimester, giving birth, newborn time is the worst time for crazy to be happening, but if it should happen to be, could have some beforehand knowledge of your town's resources and have something of a "get away from crazy" plan ready to go. It'd be terrible to have to be forming the plan close to the birth or right afterwards.

They don't need to know you have a back-up plan for yourself.

Take care of yourself.
GG

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I understand your frustration, if you're sick of hearing about it, don't read the thread. If everyone echoed your sentiments i would not be continuing to post here for support and suggestions. You've made.it clear how you feel, but you are one of many people participating in this thread.

You are choosing to pick and choose advice. Of course, that's your right. But at least acknowledge there's a huge difference between choosing the best advice, and choosing the advice that matches what you want to hear.

By and large, people are telling you to get out. You'll notice that a lot of people HAVE left this thread. When they got tired of beating a dead horse, they left. You may want to consider following their example. Actually consider it, not just completely write it off because it's hard.

Currently, I would prefer this emotional abuse to living on welfare as a single mom with a toddler and an infant (not.to mention moving my entire life.out during my third trimester). That's my choice. My father is a bipolar alcoholic and m.mother's anxiety is unbearable to be around, my home life is calm by comparison, moving out on my own is the only alternative to this situation that I have. Anyway, I don't need to justify my actions and choices to you.

What I'm hearing is that you grew up in an abusive home, and now you are caught in the cycle of abuse. In turn, your children are caught in that cycle. They are learning that pregnant mothers deserve to be abused by their partners.

Abuse does not stop with you. Your children are part of it, too. They are learning how grown-ups have relationships. You are teaching your children that what G and H are doing to you is normal, acceptable. Children pick up on moods very well, so even if they don't understand the specifics, they'll know how you feel and that G and H caused it. Please don't allow the children to grow up thinking this is normal and healthy.

GG makes a good point: have you made any kind of exit strategy for if G and H simply refuse to change? They've got you by the balls: you're not willing to leave, and they're not stupid - they know that. From where they're sitting, why should they change anything? You're willing to be abused in exchange for a roof over your head. They can do whatever they want to you, and you're choosing to give up your power to stop them.

If you're really not willing to leave, then at least start to distance yourself emotionally. H wants G all to herself? Let her have him. Transition the relationships to roommate status in your mind. Claim the master bedroom and tell them they can sleep on the pull-out. For now, just say that it's because you're so pregnant that it's uncomfortable having someone else in the bed. Then say it's because you want to co-sleep and you're afraid they'll squish the baby.

For the record, I don't agree with this last idea, but I think it's better than "trying to save the relationships." Above all, you need to protect yourself and the children, emotionally. If you really think it's better there than on welfare, then at least let "there" be safe and happy.

 

[BoringGuy]

If you're really not willing to leave, then at least start to distance yourself emotionally. H wants G all to herself? Let her have him. Transition the relationships to roommate status in your mind. Claim the master bedroom and tell them they can sleep on the pull-out. For now, just say that it's because you're so pregnant that it's uncomfortable having someone else in the bed. Then say it's because you want to co-sleep and you're afraid they'll squish the baby.

For the record, I don't agree with this last idea, but I think it's better than "trying to save the relationships." Above all, you need to protect yourself and the children, emotionally. If you really think it's better there than on welfare, then at least let "there" be safe and happy.

This is very rational, realistic advice. If you are not clinically delusional, you will follow it. ("you" = anyone in this type of situation)

 

[Natja]

If you're really not willing to leave, then at least start to distance yourself emotionally. H wants G all to herself? Let her have him. Transition the relationships to roommate status in your mind. Claim the master bedroom and tell them they can sleep on the pull-out.

I agree. This is very good advice. Don't allow yourself to be their emotional punching bag. Start distancing yourself emotionally from them. You will feel so much better. Trust me on that, especially if you have some good friends, online and IRL to vent to and share with.

 

[Vixtoria]

I have been reading, but not really posting, as I wasn't sure what I had to offer that hadn't been said already. I am not going to jack the thread with a lot of personal stuff but I will try and say this. Make a plan. I don't care what it is, but you need a plan.

I get it, I do. More than you know. Hubby and I have been married 18 years, together longer. No one has been through more together than us. We truly are our own family now. Dealing with parents deaths, illness, loss of jobs, health, moving, the uncertain, hospice for dying parents, nephews and nieces that needed us more like parents. So much.

Yet, there were parts of our relationship that were abusive, and even as I brought it up over and over, we didn't get anywhere. Things would get better. He'd make changes I asked for, but he was unhappy about it and made it known. Then it went slowly back to the way it was. I was a single parent for years, basically.

Things came to a head. Big time. At that point I had to make a choice. I had to know that I could leave and take the kids with me. I have no degree, no job! The few times I've had a full time job that could support us, were few and far between and were to support all of us as hubby had health issues. To do so with kids and alone? I didn't have family I could trust or go to. I had the option of a shelter, sure, but I didn't want to do it. Especially when I saw women there that seemed to need it so much more than me.

So I did what I had to. I called a friend that was out of state, that I only really saw a week out of the year and only knew for two years. Arrangements were made that if I had to, there would be room, somehow, for me and the kids. From there, did I know what to do? No. Scared as hell.

I grew up with my very own 'Mommy Dearest.' Sucking it up and trying to make things okay for the kids in the family and ignoring my abuse were all I knew, and seemed better for everyone BUT me, so I dealt. That's not healthy!

It's scary. No one is saying it's not. Make a plan! If it's a shelter, so be it. You think I didn't figure out how to fit three kids in a room with me and how to sleep so our stuff would be safe? As a kid I learned how to sleep under bridges and not get caught.

Now, I didn't have to use the plan. We have worked through so much of it and it finally hit home for him that yes, these things were abusive. But you know what? Him just saying it will be better did NOT MAKE IT BETTER! We both had to work on communication, years later still do. We have to remind each other and ourselves that we CAN talk. Can tell each other when something bothers us and trust that the other person will listen. We slip, and we try again. We read lots of books and got therapy. Just because things are better, we don't stop!

It's been years, five, six. Yet I will STILL find him reading books on controlling behaviour, on love languages, on ways to communicate, on what his frustrations are, triggers, how to deal with them, how to work to the root of them. Not just get frustrated that it's hard and give up after a couple of weeks.

THAT is what people mean about actions speaking louder than words. Not a few days, not a cuddle and a night of pampering. And your actions speak. You want it to work. Great! If you don't all work on it, you wanting it isn't enough. So have a plan, because if you need it, it will be a little less scary that you at least gave it some thought. Even if you can't think beyond how you get out.

 

[purpleboots]

The tone here is very different from the past week of tumult right now. I realize there is no reason to believe they will continue to honour our agreements, as they have broken them in the past, but I am trying to remain optimistic. For the past two days, I have been treated well, felt my needs understood and tended to and we have all been happy and getting along. I can't live through another wave of madness like the last one. I have plans in place to either get out myself or ask H to leave for the sake of my family. I hope it.won't come to that, but I know what I have to do and where to turn if I do need to leave.

Your children are part of it, too. They are learning how grown-ups have relationships. You are teaching your children that what G and H are doing to you is normal, acceptable. Children pick up on moods very well, so even if they don't understand the specifics, they'll know how you feel and that G and H caused it. Please don't allow the children to grow up thinking this is normal and healthy.

Almost all of this upheaval occurred while the older kids were at their mom's. My son was here, but he's two. I don't think that H and I not speaking and being tense for one day is teaching them that abuse is ok. Recurrent chronic abuse is not something I want my kids exposed to. I am not trying to minimize what they did, but I am not chronically abused by G. He is usually a loving, supportive partner who treats me well, which is why this behavior was even more shocking and upsetting. this NRE is clouding his judgement and making him into someone I barely recognize. Again, I am not trying to excuse his behavior.

By and large, people are telling you to get out. You'll notice that a lot of people HAVE left this thread. When they got tired of beating a dead horse, they left. You may want to consider following their example. Actually consider it, not just completely write it off because it's hard.

Ouch. Fyi, I haven't written anything off completely. I am, however being advised by strangers on the internet to write my family off completely. Forgive me for not immediately following that advice. I have seriously considered it. I think that my desire and incentive to save my family merits more than a week of contemplation. I can't expect or ask the same patience from folks on the internet. And I don't.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I feel reassured having some back-up on that. I was concerned it was a little passive aggressive to mentally break-up with them, but not actually tell them that. Yeah, sure, they're the epitome of passive aggressive, but two wrongs don't make a right. However, you do have to protect yourself and sometimes you just work with what you've got.

I certainly have no objections to "using" him for room & board. He's had no reservations about using you as a baby sitter, and I'm sure H won't either when her baby comes. I'm going with "when" and not "if" on that one...

Think of yourself as the new live-in, unpaid nanny. Or even the new paid nanny... Do you have access to any accounts? Can you siphon off some money now and then? My husband always wondered if I did that, not because he doesn't trust me but just because I tend to over-complicate things and I'm always transferring money between accounts. I assured him that if I was going to deliberately cook the books, they would be much neater and beyond reproach. I'm far too clever to get caught if I was actually trying to rob him blind. Then I told him that if I was going to steal money, I would get cash back when I'm buying groceries. Who ever questions the grocery bill? You need to eat. A new baby will send those bills sky-rocketing, what's an extra $20 here, $40 there?

 

[purpleboots]

THAT is what people mean about actions speaking louder than words. Not a few days, not a cuddle and a night of pampering. And your actions speak. You want it to work. Great! If you don't all work on it, you wanting it isn't enough. So have a plan, because if you need it, it will be a little less scary that you at least gave it some thought. Even if you can't think beyond how you get out.

I do have a plan. I have friends I can turn to. I can still get financial support from my parents, just could never live with them. There is social welfare, food banks, low cost housing. I have a big safety net. I know I will be ok if I have to leave.

I got dramatic and defensive in response to NYCindie's post. I do know leaving is a realistic possibility.

Thank you for posting. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.