Let's talk metamours

[kdt26417]

Re (from Len 51):

"We lasted 25 years ..."

What? First it was 38, then it was 40, then 45 -- now 25? You must be a time traveler.

@ KC43 ... didn't you know, there's never supposed to be two men, only two women. Hopefully Lenny will explain it to you.

 

[opalescent]

To get back to the topic at hand, I have some preferences and a few needs around metamours. I prefer to meet them at least once in person. I need to know about them, and they need to know about me. The timing of meeting and when I hear about them (like if things are developing) I leave up to my partner. For instance, I don't need to know every time they are interested in someone else - a 'heads up' if something may be developing would be nice but I actually don't need that. More of a courtesy than anything else.

I need to have civil metamours (and be civil myself obviously). I don't need to be friends or even acquaintances. If a friendly relationship develops, that's a bonus as far as I'm concerned. Whip's other girlfriend, my metamour when I dated him, was a lovely person but we had little in common besides him so we were never more than bare acquaintances. I would hate feeling forced to be friends if that wasn't there organically.

I would need to be on the same page on sexual health issues with any partners and would include metamours in that conversation if it seemed wise. I would definitely want to be informed if there was an issue and I would tell them if something happened healthwise that might affect them.

Generally, I'd prefer to know if something was happening in their relationship that might affect ours. And I'd want to know in general if things were going well, happy times, difficulties, etc., but I just don't need specifics on that. I'm not particularly nosy about that kind of thing - it's enough to know they are happy and well or if stuff was hard. It's not that I don't care to know details - good, bad, or indifferent - it's more I don't *need* to know them for my own peace of mind.

I've been lucky so far in that my partners have generally had the good sense to pick good other partners. I definitely look at potential partners and check out their current or former partners. That tells you so much! I've been attracted to people, met their current or former partners and realized the attraction evaporated because they go for the most drama-laden partners possible. No thanks!

I think trusting your partner to be a good 'selector' is so important. I don't know how people cope with partners who lack sense in that area.

 

[KC43]

Hubby completely lacks sense in choosing other partners. That's why he's chosen not to have any... The one woman he did get together with, which was a purely sexual encounter anyway, ended up having some nearly disastrous fallout.

 

[PinkPig]

I think trusting your partner to be a good 'selector' is so important. I don't know how people cope with partners who lack sense in that area.

Yes to this! Blue & I have discussed this before. The woman he was with when we started dating was highly dysfunctional. Lots of drama that spilled over into our relationship. We've discussed it and he knows that level of dysfunction and drama is a deal breaker for me. So far, my current metamour seems very laid back and drama free.

 

[Inyourendo]

I think trusting your partner to be a good 'selector' is relationship " i assuming because she wanted to make plans with s so important. I don't know how people cope with partners who lack sense in that area.

Back when nate actually started dating (not just his normal booty calls) I was really worried about that and thinking of all the "what ifs" and how that would affect me and our relationship but he was upset with me that I even worried about that because he said he'd never get with someone who would treat me poorly or disrespect our relationship. he felt that I should not have concerns with anyone he dates.

This was after he had told me she said "I have already felt her influence in our relationship" because I called him to come home when he was out with her because i had to get ready for work. I don't think she realized when you date someone with a family that means they have obligations.

Her comment made me feel like she was going to have issues due to his limited time for other partners

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Re (from Len 51):


What? First it was 38, then it was 40, then 45 -- now 25? You must be a time traveler.

From what I understand, he, his wife and hot girl were a housesharing triad for 25 years, then hot girl moved out to marry some other guy but they still dated for another 15 years, making it 40.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I find that one of the interesting aspects of poly when we are all in the same place is that, although there is absolutely no interest in doing poly like a triad, there is definetely some kind of energy there that is more than monogamyx2. I don't even know how to describe it, but it is like....they pursue me together, not in an overt sexual sense, but it is very romantic. For instance the three of us will be out on a date (we mostly go out all three of us, although I date them seperately when we are in different places) and they will start to talk about me, refer to me as "Our woman" and compliment me. It is not quite like any feeling I have had before. I have tried talking to other hinges about it, but I am not sure if people don't experience the same way or if it is simply too personal to share. It feels very personal to me...at the same time I am like: Why didn't anybody tell me love could be as great as this? Where are the novels written about poly love that feels this way? Like seriously I am going to burst if I don't tell anybody just how wondeful it feels.

And...it is not always like that, of course. They are sometimes, not jealous of each other, but envious. I have more daily life with one of them, but more "holiday time" with the other, I guess both sometimes wish they could switch. I am married to one of them, the other wants to marry too. The envy is perhaps more a reaction to the long distance than poly, though. I am very curious of how our dynamics might change when we lived together all three of us full time, or within walking distance. I learn so much of myself in the ways I related to them differently, and how they are both different and very alike. It is obvious to me that the boys will spend even more time together in the future, at least they respect each other so that is a good start.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Norwegianpoly):

"From what I understand, he, his wife and hot girl were a housesharing triad for 25 years, then hot girl moved out to marry some other guy but they still dated for another 15 years, making it 40."

Hmmm ... from his other posts that I've read, it was more like 15 years before the hot girl got married, then 25 years after. Unless I'm remembering it backwards. But in any case, it sure wasn't 25 years total! There's 13, 15, or 20 years unaccounted-for.

Sorry guys, sorry, sorry ... please continue with the topic about metamours.

 

[Invi]

Re (from Len 51):


What? First it was 38, then it was 40, then 45 -- now 25? You must be a time traveler.

@ KC43 ... didn't you know, there's never supposed to be two men, only two women. Hopefully Lenny will explain it to you.

I distinctly remember that 38 figure, too. What the heck?

 

[opalescent]

Focus, people, focus!

 

[CattivaGattina]

I've had three distinct metamour differences.

1) Girl and I were (and still are) really good friends. Both of us though thought the other was getting more time with shared partner (he wasn't a very effective hinge). Things got better when we weren't metamours anymore.

2) Girl and I had been friends before having shared partner (same as partner in number 1). We became more advisarially while having the shared partner (he would tell each of us different things and work his ass off to make sure we didn't communicate). Since not being metamours, we are friends again.

In both of the above cases the problems between metamours was due to lies, leaky hinge behaviors, narcissistic behaviours of the shared partner.

3) My current metamour and I met the same time I met my Sir (she's his wife). We have a very sisterly relationship. We'll spend time together both in a family like thing or just with the two of us going out to do things. Here I have a metamour relationship that is open and honest and actually sometimes we do more planning of my time with Sir than he and I do (because as he'll admit he's shitty at making plans/texting so he's happy we figure out his calendar for him).

As far as other metamours in that family (it's a MFMFM line poly). We are all very family geared (my husband the least but as long as he has what would be his own space he's happy, but he needs that with me as well). We hang out, do game nights, see movies, etc just as a family grouping (and as long as my husband's or Sir's family won't be around we don't hide being poly).

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I find that one of the interesting aspects of poly when we are all in the same place is that, although there is absolutely no interest in doing poly like a triad, there is definetely some kind of energy there that is more than monogamyx2. I don't even know how to describe it, but it is like....they pursue me together, not in an overt sexual sense, but it is very romantic. For instance the three of us will be out on a date (we mostly go out all three of us, although I date them seperately when we are in different places) and they will start to talk about me, refer to me as "Our woman" and compliment me. It is not quite like any feeling I have had before. I have tried talking to other hinges about it, but I am not sure if people don't experience the same way or if it is simply too personal to share. It feels very personal to me...at the same time I am like: Why didn't anybody tell me love could be as great as this? Where are the novels written about poly love that feels this way? Like seriously I am going to burst if I don't tell anybody just how wondeful it feels.

I totally get this! We live together and I love it when they are both paying attention to me and having fun being friends together. Last night Dude was teaching MrS how to wax my legs and the dynamic was just precious. When we are traveling out of town and get to be "out" in public - dancing with both of them, holding hands with both as we walk down the street,...joy.

JaneQ

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Last night Dude was teaching MrS how to wax my legs and the dynamic was just precious.

*Envy*

I wish I could train ..err teach... someone to sugar my legs for me. I prefer someone else doing it, but I'm too cheap to pay anyone when it's so simple to do at home. Just tedious.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

*Envy*

I wish I could train ..err teach... someone to sugar my legs for me. I prefer someone else doing it, but I'm too cheap to pay anyone when it's so simple to do at home. Just tedious.

I LOVE having someone pampering me! (Waxing, cutting my hair, doing my nails, doing my makeup...anything really.) But I, also, am too cheap to pay someone else to do it most of the time.

I used to bitch and moan (and MOAN) about shaving my legs. (For some reason I really, really HATE it - don't mind shaving other bits - just my legs.) I LIKE them hairless, I just hate doing it myself. (Neither of the boys care about hairy legs, it's a personal preference for me in the summer.)

Finally, Dude was all "how hard can it be?" We bought a set up (both hard and soft wax) and he taught himself from YouTube videos. The first few sessions were a scream (somewhat literally ) He has perfected the legs (we only do knees down) so that is why he was teaching MrS. Uses 4 strips, 3 swipes each - and we are done.

(Lotus cuts my hair and MrS tweezes my eyebrows. Just need to find someone to do gel manicures and I am set!)

JaneQ

 

[Nadya]

Finally, Dude was all "how hard can it be?" We bought a set up (both hard and soft wax) and he taught himself from YouTube videos. The first few sessions were a scream (somewhat literally ) He has perfected the legs (we only do knees down) so that is why he was teaching MrS. Uses 4 strips, 3 swipes each - and we are done.

(Lotus cuts my hair and MrS tweezes my eyebrows. Just need to find someone to do gel manicures and I am set!

Oh you lucky girl! That sounds lovely, indeed. Wishing you luck finding the manicurist as well