Libido Inequality= Deal Breaker?

B

booboofish

New member
Dear all,

Thank you soooooo much for your help on my last post. It was really great and I'm loving being a part of this community and reading all your ideas and contributing when I can.

This is about something a bit complicated so please excuse me for the detail and I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

There's been a lot of discussion lately about sex and whether this desire/need is a MUST in any romantic relationship. I live with my primary partner and we've always had tension over sex (except for maybe the VERY beginning, when just started dating). His sex drive is high, and mine wanes but is generally much lower. I'm very attracted to him physically but I just never have sex "on the brain" as much as he does. For him, sex is essential for his primary partner (its how he feels intimate and connects with me). He cannot imagine living with me/having a future (ie traveling together, having kids) without a "good sex life." For him, this probably means 4-5 times a week. I could probably have sex once a week and be happy.

Here's how we've tried to deal with it:

1) We have sex only when I initiate: This made him feel antsy and frustrated and I could tell, which made me feel guilty and selfish.

2) We planned out times (every other day) when we would have sex: This worked in the sense that I was into it once HE initiated, but sometimes I felt like I was just going through the motions. I would find myself not fully present or thinking about other things I could be doing. I always physically enjoyed it...but I never felt the connection OR priority that he feels. Eventually, I felt I was doing something "unnatural" and I started to resent him for it.

You're probably thinking; "Hey, you're in a poly relationship, he should go sleep with other people!" We've talked about this, and while he said that it HELPS, its important for him to have sex with ME specifically, in order to have our relationship work.

I know some of you will probably tell me we're incompatible and that we should break up...I've considered this but its really really painful to think about and I want to make sure we've tried everything humanely possible before resorting to that.

To make matters worse (and more complicated): We now have the added problem that whenever I meet someone new, I'm very sexually excited and sometimes have more sex with them more than with my primary parter (at least in the beginning phase). This makes my primary EXTREMELY jealous- understandably so. Explaining to him that this is just a temporary phase does not help. He sees me acting with other people that I barely know in the way he wants me to act with him; I can understand why that is painful. At the same time, I don't want to be monogamous and I'm not sure I can change the excitement I feel when I meet new people.


FINALLY: I know that excitement and desire changes when you have a long-term partner. I've been with my primary for 2 years now. Sex will obvious become more routine, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. Even when I'm not seeing other people, we're still facing this problem of different libidos.

This really hurts because it seems that intimacy for him is purely through sex, and I feel close to him for so many other reasons. I've tried to change my birth control, masturbate more, etc, to change my libido, but I don't think anything is going to work. I'm afraid he will leave me...what can I do?
 
Well, my issue was the opposite - my libido is high, my primary parner's is low. I want sex everyday (multiple times if I can get it) and he's happy with once a week.

Poly was our answer. My boyfriend's libido is closer to mine and things are great.

My primary love language is touch though, so I still have a longing to be intimate with my husband lots. I can relate. I do feel there is a disconnect there, and I miss him. So it sounds like your guy has that same issue - though he may be having his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, he wants that touch with you too.

One of the things that has helped me was to read the 5 Love Languages book and realize that I need to recognize my husband shows his care for me through acts of service, which is as important to him as touch is to me. When I started recognizing each of the ways he was showing love through Acts of Service, I was able to accept that instead of physical touch. If that makes sense - I still wanted the physical touch, but I wasn't feeling the rejection, because he wasn't rejecting me, he was just showing his love differently.

So, the recognition helped me, combined with having most of my physical, sexual needs addressed outside our relationship. If your boyfriend could recognize what your love language is, and relate to you that way instead, maybe that could help.
 
If sex share for him is a main relational method, like conversation is a pretty big relational method, I could see him being frustrated by him not having other relational methods beyond sex. His limited toolbox is limiting him and he's frustrated.

If sex share for you is a celebration of love, and you can love deeply with or without sex? I could see where sex share could be less frequent or more "special occassions" for you and you can happy with that. It is not the only or one of the few relational method for you. You have other relational methods to meet the need for connection and closeness.

In the end, your body belongs to you. Who you share it with and how you share it is YOUR choice. He can't respect that and thinks that as his GF you "owe" him sex? Not compatible. It may not be something you want to hear, but there it is.

I see you have tried to change some of your things to increase your libido.

Has HE considered changing things to DECREASE his? Or better still and more directly.... INCREASE his other relational channels?

A hammer in the toolbox is awesome for hammer jobs, but having other tools in the toolbox expands one's repertoire. Screw driver, wrench, tape measure, etc. If he can only relate to people with limited tools -- it's on him to consider growing the tools rather than complain not all jobs are hammer jobs. YKWIM?

You can encourage him to grow more relational skills, but you can't MAKE him. So encourage, but don't try to do it for him.

I know some of you will probably tell me we're incompatible and that we should break up...I've considered this but its really really painful to think about and I want to make sure we've tried everything humanely possible before resorting to that.
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It is ok to take a time out to grow some skills, but don't let it become the perpetual snooze tag button either. This is an inside job and you cannot do his stuff FOR him.

If either of you have to twist up to make the thing fly when it won't naturally fly... just stop trying to fly it. Accept limit reached.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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Sex is very important to me. I crave sexual intimacy and spent many years feeling unloved and unattractive with my ex. I don't always have a high drive but I make an effort to have sex everyday because it keeps us close. Even if im not in the mood ill get there once we start going.

Id like to say I wouldn't l leave my partner over that but I feel like eventually I would begin feeling more like a roommate if they weren't making an effort. that lack of intimacy could have a negative affect on our relationship
 
Sex is very important to me, but not necessarily intercourse.
I wouldn't leave someone I love over them not wanting it-but if I can't get my sexual needs met-I do expect them to be understanding that I will be getting those needs met elsewhere.
 
Intimacy yes-but for me personally-sex isn't always analogous with intimacy.
I definitely need intimacy.

But-for example, GG has major issues with getting an erection & his libido is much lower than mine. But-he's a major cuddle bug and romantic. He will do anything (besides intercourse) any time I want it. But he also understands, that intercourse is something I need and he isn't going to be pissy with me over me getting it from someone who can.
 
LovingRadiance said:
GG has major issues with getting an erection & his libido is much lower than mine. But-he's a major cuddle bug and romantic. He will do anything (besides intercourse) any time I want it. But he also understands, that intercourse is something I need and he isn't going to be pissy with me over me getting it from someone who can.
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What a beautiful and positive perspective. You don't expect that he's going to behave outside of who he is and you accept him for it, which makes fertile ground for him to be enthused to help you feel loved and appreciated in his own way. You identify the obvious reality that he won't give you everything you need and he respects that should you have an unmet need that you'll go elsewhere to get it sated.

Sounds like a healthy negotiation between adults. I LOVE IT!
 
Thanks Marcus.
:)
I don't think I am always gifted at being the best version of myself. But it seems obvious to me that people are different and we all have different needs as well as different abilities to meet various needs.
Strikes me as pointless to walk away from an enjoyable relationship over a detail of inability. If someone blatantly refused to give what they were able to give, that might be different. But if someone is unable to fulfil a need, shrug, that is something to work around.
 
Ugh..problem is the he only counts intercourse at "intimate" and this is what I'm less into. I'm not sure where the compromise lies.
 
booboofish said:
Ugh..problem is the he only counts intercourse at "intimate" and this is what I'm less into. I'm not sure where the compromise lies.
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I don't think compromise is the way to a healthy adult association. I realize I'm in the minority on this one, but I am much more inclined to let discrepancy of desire and personality guide the relationship to a more effortlessly healthy association.

In my opinion, your situation has a personality profile difference that is fundamentally incompatible in the current configuration. In that case, either one of you needs to be a different person (which isn't possible and this board proves it repeatedly) or you guys need to adjust the nature of your relationship to a degree that more accurately reflects your compatibility.

Since he only views intimacy through sex, and you don't... take sex out of the equation and be friends. I presume you guys like things about each other besides this sex issue? You're trying to jam a square peg through a round whole and I think you'd be better off by reshaping your expectations of each other (change the title or whatever) to be in sync with the reality of your situation.
 
Ugh..problem is the he only counts intercourse at "intimate" and this is what I'm less into. I'm not sure where the compromise lies.
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If he's not willing/able to think of alternatives? Then it is limit reached. You cannot control "what counts to him."

Your only choices are to accept it, or not accept it. Then after that? You stay in the relationship or you do not stay in the relationship. Your choices belong to you.

I mean that kindly, I know you struggle right now. :eek:

Galagirl
 
booboofish said:
Ugh..problem is the he only counts intercourse at "intimate" and this is what I'm less into. I'm not sure where the compromise lies.
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doesnt really seem to be one. as a female a compromise to me for a male partner with a medical reason not to have sex would be to do oral sex and or use a dildo on me while i used a vibrator or something. basically still sex to me but without the P in V penetration. i personally dont find cuddling to be the same at all as meeting the intimacy i need.
 
Everyone is different. Unless your more limited desire for sex was due to a psychological issue, it doesn't seem healthy to try to markedly change yourself.

That said, I do understand where your bf is coming from in regard that he wants to feel intimate with you specifically. While we can get needs met in different ways and from different people, people themselves are not interchangeable. However, if he is unwilling or unable to feel intimacy from non-sexual acts - as Bluebird indicated in regard to love languages - recognize the ways you do express your love for him, then there is nothing else to do.

Neither of you is wrong; you're just different.
 
Re (from OP):
"You're probably thinking; 'Hey, you're in a poly relationship, he should go sleep with other people!' We've talked about this, and while he said that it *helps,* it's important for him to have sex with *me* specifically, in order to have our relationship work."
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I'm thinking the combination of getting *some* sex (intercourse) with you, combined with getting some sex with other people which he admits *does* help, should be enough in combination -- shouldn't it?

He wants sex 4-5 times a week. You want it once a week. (1+4.5)/2 = 2.75, so would 2-3 times a week be an acceptable compromise? especially if he is also getting sex with other people which he admits does help.

Just kicking around ideas ...
 
kdt26417 said:
He wants sex 4-5 times a week. You want it once a week. (1+4.5)/2 = 2.75, so would 2-3 times a week be an acceptable compromise?
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This is a perfect description of what I find vomit worthy of the idea of compromise when it comes to relating to other human beings, romantically or otherwise.

All you have to do in order to "compromise" with this person is to have sex with them 2 to 3 times more frequently than you want to. Just think of something you'd *like* to be doing, and force yourself to have sexual intercourse with them... once or twice EVERY WEEK to make sure you meet a quota based on their personal desires. It doesn't matter if you actually want to have sex or not, you just have to "compromise" in order to keep your allegedly fully functional relationship afloat. It's not a "lie" or "faking it" if you're doing it for the sake of avoiding looking at the relationship realistically.
 
Marcus said:
All you have to do in order to "compromise" with this person is to have sex with them 2 to 3 times more frequently than you want to . . . force yourself to have sexual intercourse with them . . . to make sure you meet a quota based on their personal desires. It doesn't matter if you actually want to have sex or not, you just have to "compromise" in order to keep your allegedly fully functional relationship afloat.
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Oh Marcus, you will just love this video I recently came across on YouTube, from a well-meaning older woman who found a way to "relax for sex" for those times when her husband wants it and she's not really in the mood:

A Woman's Secret: How To Relax Before Sex

Thought I'd put a humorous spin on things, although the woman in the vid is absolutely serious!
 
nycindie said:
Oh Marcus, you will just love this video I recently came across on YouTube, from a well-meaning older woman who found a way to "relax for sex" for those times when her husband wants it and she's not really in the mood:

A Woman's Secret: How To Relax Before Sex

Thought I'd put a humorous spin on things, although the woman in the vid is absolutely serious!
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Bwahahahahahah! Oh dear holy jeebus! I didn't make it through, I held myself cringed in the fetal position for most of it (about 2/3) just so I could say I'd seen it.

I am wounded forever. Thank you, evil harlot of the interweb (nycindie).
 
It's obviously not a good compromise if booboofish is repulsed by what she's doing, has to force herself, or ends up thinking, "Gawd I wish I was doing something else." The 1-2 additional encounters a week would only work if she could say, "Well it's a bit much but I still enjoy it once I get into it."

I don't know which is the case, so I figured what the heck, I'll throw the idea out there. If it helps, great, if not, that's okay, I'm sure it's easily enough discarded. [shrug]
 
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