Libido Inequality= Deal Breaker?

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sounds like you're making a good effort to make things work.

It's not unheard-of for long-time partners to "mellow out" in terms of how hot they feel about sex with each other, after all, they don't have the NRE to fire things up. Sometimes people shift over to enjoying other things more, like a shared sense of security and/or knowing each other very well.

Your partner still strongly values sex which is also not unusual. Everyone is different, has different needs, etc.

It sounds like you guys are starting to work some things out. That's good to hear.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
We're working on finding a couples counselor now, which I think will be a great thing for us.

We also discussed that I was feeling resentful before when we have "scheduled sex" because I felt like everything was on ME, (ie there was something WRONG with me) and it was all up to me to fix it. But now I've agreed to scheduled sex if he agrees to scheduled "outings" or date nights (which make me feel intimate with him). Now it feels like there is more joint responsibility which is nice.

Def better. He is willing to attend counseling. He is willing to have scheduled dates. I am glad to hear what and where he is willing to contribute. He is holding up his side of it too. Not just expecting it to be all on you to solve!

One person cannot carry all the relationship.

Not out of the woods , but perhaps this is the upward turn for you guys. Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Sirensong

New member
I really admire/envy your ability to work this out. This is something unheard/unfathomed by myself with every relationship I have had (admittedly all mono relationships where the male cheated).

My current relationship, married for 5 years.. Been seeing each other on and off since 2002.. And we STILL can't get sex to work in a way that suits us both. I have a high sex drive, he doesn't ...and it just usually results in resentment and arguments due to nothing changing... Because we basically just have sex when he feels like it.

So I seriously applaud you guys and wish you the utmost best.
 

wildflowers

New member
...but it seems like the fantasy will always seem better than reality. Can anyone relate to this?

d.

I relate to this, although not in the sense that fantasy is limited to new/untried partners. I've just noticed that anticipation of or daydreaming about sex can be less complicated than the actuality. And sometimes i wish i could maintain the intensity of the anticipation better throughout the " real life" experience.

I try to not stress about it though, or get stuck in mental loops that take me out of the moment. unfortunately, I'm prone to thinking too much :(

sorry that you were made to feel that something is wrong with you! Shared responsibility for an issue sounds much better.
 

Sablesjade

New member
Hi booboofish, I am Sablesjade and am new to the site and also new to the polyamorous world. I can understand what you are going through, as my spouse and I have the exact same problem. My spouse is an Alpha male with an extremely high sex drive, whereas mine is very, very low. It is pretty much the only thing that causes us grief in the relationship. Are there any other reasons that your sex drive might be low? For instance, I have a condition that makes sex painful, and I was taught by my mom that sex is bad. There are a few things that we have found helps us though. Since you and your spouse and different from my spouse and I, it might not work but maybe I can give you some ideas. To help my spouse lower his sex drive, he keeps busy doing stuff around the house. He is basically taking his sexual energy and using it towards something else. He fixes/builds things in and around the house, and also does leather crafting. Is there any activities that your spouse would enjoy doing? For me, what I have done is making an effort to initiate more often. Even if I don't necessarily feel like it, I still make an honest effort to please him. I also remind him that even though I don't want sex, I am still very much attracted to him. I also tell him that I can please him without him having to please me, and that's ok (lots of bjs and hjs). We have been together over three years and it seems to be helping. Yes it is not as often as we'd like but it is getting better. I hope this helps! If you ever want to talk/vent feel free to message me :) (your spouse is also welcome to talk to mine if he wants tips/needs someone to talk to who understands what he is going through)
 

MusicalRose

Member
Hi booboofish, I am Sablesjade and am new to the site and also new to the polyamorous world. I can understand what you are going through, as my spouse and I have the exact same problem. My spouse is an Alpha male with an extremely high sex drive, whereas mine is very, very low. It is pretty much the only thing that causes us grief in the relationship. Are there any other reasons that your sex drive might be low? For instance, I have a condition that makes sex painful, and I was taught by my mom that sex is bad. There are a few things that we have found helps us though. Since you and your spouse and different from my spouse and I, it might not work but maybe I can give you some ideas. To help my spouse lower his sex drive, he keeps busy doing stuff around the house. He is basically taking his sexual energy and using it towards something else. He fixes/builds things in and around the house, and also does leather crafting. Is there any activities that your spouse would enjoy doing? For me, what I have done is making an effort to initiate more often. Even if I don't necessarily feel like it, I still make an honest effort to please him. I also remind him that even though I don't want sex, I am still very much attracted to him. I also tell him that I can please him without him having to please me, and that's ok (lots of bjs and hjs). We have been together over three years and it seems to be helping. Yes it is not as often as we'd like but it is getting better. I hope this helps! If you ever want to talk/vent feel free to message me :) (your spouse is also welcome to talk to mine if he wants tips/needs someone to talk to who understands what he is going through)

Hey I wanted to reach out and say that I have been through vaginismus so I know a lot about sexual pain disorders and might have some good resources if you need them. Glad to hear you are finding something that works for you though.
 

Sablesjade

New member
Hey I wanted to reach out and say that I have been through vaginismus so I know a lot about sexual pain disorders and might have some good resources if you need them. Glad to hear you are finding something that works for you though.

Hi MusicalRose. Thanks so much for your reply. I have vaginismus and vulvadynia (aka vestibulodynia). It would be great if you wouldn't mind sharing your resources! Always looking for new ideas/suggestions :)
 

maddistrong

New member
It's often linked to relationship issues, stress or tiredness, but can be a sign of an underlying medical problem, such as reduced hormone levels. Everyone's sex drive is different and there's no such thing as a "normal" libido. But if you find your lack of desire for sex is distressing or it's affecting your relationship, it's a good idea to get help.
 

Evie

Moderator
I know you two mean well, but this thread is from 2014. Please stop.
 

Dagferi

Active member
The ok is not even an active member anymore. Why the necropostropost from 6 years ago.
 

Rottngrl

New member
Hi booboofish,

It doesn't sound like you've tried much at all. And I want to be clear this is NOT only your problem. Increasing your maturation or being the initiator won't help. I do believe the better the chemistry the better the sex, and my libido. Sounds like you fell into a routine, and I think that normal for a lot of people.

Let's understand the general basics. Men are more visual creatures, and easily stimulated by visual cues. Women are more stimulated mentally. Hes always ready to go, and your not even in that headspace. Your man needs to learn how to get you ready mentally. You can help yourself too.

I can talk from experience with low libido. And guys who think showing you their peice should get your engines going, once again because they are visual creatures. I personally need to feel sexy. First you can look at ways for you to feel more sexy before engaging. What works well for me is getting all dolled up, and putting on super sexy outfits. Like fishnet body suits, and various types of lingerie. You can take pictures of yourself. This gets me hot because it makes me feel sexy and naughty, and then you have visuals to send him. You can do this even if your home together, go take the time for yourself, or before you know you will see him. Either way. Then the sexy texts follow, and you can invite him up once you are turned on mentally or just surprise him and present yourself all hoed up if your ready. You can parade around in your outfit and not let him have you till he's groping and chasing you around the house, which usually turns into a good smash session.

Also, have you tried talking to him about your fantasies? Even if your not ready to act them out, just talking about something you've wanted to try always gets me going. Its the sexy conversation, the unknown is so alluring to me. (Let me know if you need some ideas!!)

A lot of guys are happy with quantity, not quality. Uncomplicated, but often. This does not do it for me. I prefer quality and less frequent, over frequent and uncomplicated. I think he needs to understand how to turn you on rather than expecting you to be turned on. But you can help him see that he needs to make you feel sexy by doing some of those things yourself that make you feel sexy.

I hope some of this helps!!
 
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