Libido Inequality= Deal Breaker?

My sister married a guy who, like her, was interested in sex 2-3 times a month. Somewhere in there he changed and wanted sex 2-3 times a week. Finally she compromised and made a deal if she gave him sex that often, he would do XYZ for her, the things she felt nurtured by, like dinners out, as she works full time and doesn't enjoy cooking.

So, she lies back, spreads her legs, he gets on top and does his thing, she thinks of other things, and never achieves orgasm.

She is content with this arrangement as she loves him in her way, it doesn't take long, and she gets to have a relationship with this man who sees to her other needs.

I don't think I could live this way, but some people can! She is basically asexual at this point, and says if he passed away, she probably wouldn't want sex for 2 years.
 
^^^That sounds awful! I mean, if it works for her, good for her, but I don't think I could do it.

The thing is that I enjoy sex and I enjoy sex with my boyfriend- just not as often as he wants it. I spoke to him about this recently, and he said "we cannot give up" and is willing to explore compromises or alternatives. I think we're both very stubborn about staying together, regardless of this problem. (I realize this may sound naiive to some of you, but whatever- its much easier to be logical/cold/calculating when you're not involved personally.)

One thing I've realized from these responses is that HE should also be putting in an effort to make this work (either looking for other partners or doing other things for me if I'm initiating sex more often). I didn't really think of it that way- it's easy to think of a low libido as something WRONG with you that you need to fix :(
 
Please don't throw around asexual like it's a behavior (equating it to low/really low libido or celibacy, which is not the same thing). It doesn't make sense in either differing definitions. I understand there is sexual fluidity but not with the way it was flung around.
Misusing it promotes misunderstanding.

- Became sexually incompatible
- Lacking some type of intimate exchange that one person now wants more than the other.

- i.e. "I'm not getting laid anymore, my partner is being asexual" <- No.

Celibate would fit in to what you're trying to say but that also doesn't make sense either since you described both as having low sex drives at first, in your example. There's plenty to speculate on what happened with them and how they can deal but that's not for here.

*I don't intend to be the 'ace' definition police so I apologize if it seems like I'm on your ass. I only said anything because lately I'm seeing things like my example sentence (ace interchangeable with celibate) and it's pretty frustrating.
Iirc I got on someone's case for using polygamy in place of polyamory. I honestly stopped reading through half of their post because it was obvious they didn't understand the word, and because it didn't make sense while I was reading it (considering the forum). Same deal here.
 
Yes, I have often seen the word "asexual" used on this forum when it seemed to me that "celibate" would have been more accurate. Maybe it is just because asexuality has become more widely known and the term asexual more a part of our general lexicon.
 
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To make matters worse (and more complicated): We now have the added problem that whenever I meet someone new, I'm very sexually excited and sometimes have more sex with them more than with my primary parter (at least in the beginning phase). This makes my primary EXTREMELY jealous- understandably so. Explaining to him that this is just a temporary phase does not help. He sees me acting with other people that I barely know in the way he wants me to act with him; I can understand why that is painful. At the same time, I don't want to be monogamous and I'm not sure I can change the excitement I feel when I meet new people.


It seems odd everyone skip over this.

Have you thought of what could be the possible " why's " as to libido with a new partner. Have you looked at the meaning of sex for you in that situation. Could you be an nre junkie ? Or are you doing it to please the other partner to get them/ keep them interested ??? Both examples ...

It seems everyone's analysis is on your primary .....and his inability to relate in other meaningful ways. ( And this coming second hand ). Is it possible to invite him to read this thread and for him to give his prospective ?
 
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Good point.

I've thought about this a great deal because it bothers my primary so much.

I think I'm an NRE junkie for two reasons:

1) I like variety (as most humans do) and I'm very interested in "figuring people out"- their likes and dislikes. I also just like new experiences and seeing how I will feel with different people. It's educational and exciting.

2) I think I have a relatively low self-esteem, so being able to "catch" someone is very thrilling. I realize this is probably not so healthy, but at least I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to take risks and possibly get hurt. I wonder; don't we all like feeling wanted? Is this is a bad thing?
 
I don't think simply finding someone new and shiny more exciting equates to being an NRE junkie. I get excited each time I go on vacation. Dies this make me a vacation junkie?

I think as with everything labeled an addiction, junkie denotes extreme behavior favoring the addiction to the exclusion of all else. I'm not gathering that is the case here. That said, maybe you could handle the NRE a different way? Maybe not share as much of the excitement with your bf, making sure you stay wholly focused on him when you are together?
 
One of the reasons I left my ex was he wasn't willing to have sex with me. We negotiated for 2x a week because for me that was minimum but eventually it was weeks between.
 
I'm going to be straight up here, ok? I'm not trying to be mean or anything. I know you are struggling right now. :eek:

I'm still not getting a sense of what HE is willing to do, other than willing for YOU change and share sex lots with him. Have you asked him what he's willing to do? What did he say?

Because to me it seems like he is free to see other people, but he wants sex with YOU 4-5 times a week and you are good at 1 time a week. Limit reached. What's he going to do? Start forcing himself on you? :eek:

1) We have sex only when I initiate: This made him feel antsy and frustrated and I could tell, which made me feel guilty and selfish.

So he's having a hard time with emotional management of (frustration) because he's not getting sex from you as often as he wants? Tough. Your body. You don't want to share it, your right. Shy of forcing himself on you (which is NOT appropriate) he has to learn to cope with not getting a want, and the accompanying frustration. To me? He could deal with it in two ways:

1) Accept it and not see other people. Let go of his want for frequent sex. No longer frustrated.
2) Accept it and see other people. Keep the want but meet it elsewhere. No longer frustrated.
3) You could dump him and be free of this hooha. Sex share with you no longer pertinent. Off the table.

Why do you feel guilty/selfish seeing his frustration? You believe you have to put out whenever HE wants? You have a hard time leaving his emotional management to him? He acts out at you when he tantrums? Could you clarify?

2) We planned out times (every other day) when we would have sex: This worked in the sense that I was into it once HE initiated, but sometimes I felt like I was just going through the motions.

Because that is you not obeying your personal limitation -- you like 1x a week with him and you agree to overextend yourself to 3-4x a week.

I'm not surprised it leads to you feeling resentful. You are not doing it to (share sex together) from the sound of it but to (stop his fussing at you)

Fussing about what? Sex he wants from you that you don't want to do. Solution is not... do the sex you do want to do. :(

You're probably thinking; "Hey, you're in a poly relationship, he should go sleep with other people!" We've talked about this, and while he said that it HELPS, its important for him to have sex with ME specifically, in order to have our relationship work.

There is no other way for the relations to "work?" Like him accepting you have different libido levels,process his disappointment and adjust his expectation/want? He is not willing to do that?

I know some of you will probably tell me we're incompatible and that we should break up...I've considered this but its really really painful to think about and I want to make sure we've tried everything humanely possible before resorting to that.

If he's not willing to see that your body belongs to you and accept you only want to share sex with him once a week? I think you guys are there. Rather than forcing a thing to fly that won't fly, could accept it as limit reached. :( Dragging on serves nobody. You could break up with him and even though painful to consider, get it done so you can be free of this and move on to processing your disappointment. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.

To make matters worse (and more complicated): We now have the added problem that whenever I meet someone new, I'm very sexually excited and sometimes have more sex with them more than with my primary parter (at least in the beginning phase). This makes my primary EXTREMELY jealous- understandably so. Explaining to him that this is just a temporary phase does not help. He sees me acting with other people that I barely know in the way he wants me to act with him; I can understand why that is painful.

So again with him having trouble with emotional management? You can be appropriately supportive but in the end I do not see where his emotional management is your job. That's an inside job he does. If you both agree to be in a polyship, you are going to date other people, and he has to learn to deal with it. This isn't 2 weeks in, this is 2 years in. It sounds like you have been practicing polyship all along, so this isn't new.

If he is unable to handle it, he could meet his need to be free of upset, and bow out of the polyship. You are not up for monoshipping and that is another area of incompatibility then. If you as hinge observe him not really wanting to be here or struggling this long and not wanting to accept it? The kindest thing you can do is cut him loose. End his suffering. And yours.

FINALLY: I know that excitement and desire changes when you have a long-term partner.

You expect this? I don't know why. I've been with my partner for decades and excitement, desire and sex share still are running high. Sex share has changed for certain phases of life -- like during a high risk pregnancy, surgeries, etc -- but the desire and excitement were there all along and resume when health allows.

I've been with my primary for 2 years now. Sex will obvious become more routine, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. Even when I'm not seeing other people, we're still facing this problem of different libidos.

I think the problem is his emotional management. And whatever his sex-related belief is. Whether you see other people or not, you guys are still dealing with the fact he has a hard time with his emotional management. Sex share is just the surface trigger thing -- not the core belief.

He has to adjust this want and corresponding belief if he wants to contibute toward the relationship "working" from his end. This has nothing to do with who else you might share sex with or not share sex with. Because even if you have zero partners, if he believes he is entitled to use of your body? And he is mad because you "deny" him the sex he thinks you "owe" him? That's a messed up thought right there. Does he believe this?

Or is he trying to use sex to "prove" his value to you -- a competition thing with anyone else you date? Because he believes that if he has the most sex with you, he's top dog, the most important one in your life? That's a messed up belief too, just different flavor. Does he believe this?

What DOES he believe about sex share with you? I still haven't heard the answer... or maybe I missed it?

He could deal with his emotional management and ask for appropriate help from counseling if he needs help. You could be supportive in that fashion -- since you guys are not solving it on your own. Maybe couples counseling is something to try next to address:
  • Dealing with frustration that he isn't going to get what he wants -- sex 4-5x a week with you. Because sex isn't something that gets forced upon someone. Your body, you decide how and when to share sex with your body.
  • Dealing with envy -- wishing he had what others have when he observes or you tell him about others. (You with googly eyes?)
  • Dealing with jealousy -- fearing that what he has will disappear to others. (His being your top dog? Importance?)
  • Dealing with disappointment he doesn't get what he wants, accepting, then changing the wants so he can be free of disappointment.

in more appropriate, healthier ways.

I'm afraid he will leave me...what can I do?

What's so great about this situation that you being free of it is awful? If he cannot adjust or will not adjust you are free to walk away.

Could you be willing to clarify what you fear is ?

He breaks up with you and goes away. Or YOU break up with him and he goes way.

This is scary because then you have to.... what? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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You <i>expect</I> this? I don't know why. I've been with my partner for decades and excitement, desire and sex share still are running high. Sex share has changed for certain phases of life -- like during a high risk pregnancy, surgeries, etc -- but the desire and excitement were there all along and resume when health allows.

My experience is the same as GalaGirl's in regard to this issue. My desire for my partner does not wane due to time and familiarity. Life gets in the way sometimes, but my desire does not change.

So while GalaGirl makes some good points in regard to your bf needing manage his own emotions and adjust expectations, I can understand how he might be confused if in the beginning you were sharing sex 4-5 times per week and your desire has dwindled to 1 time per week. He might being feeling neglected and taken for granted.
 
Couple of thoughts:
I agree with what a few people have said that if you it can't be on just you to change or make this work.

I have a similar thing were my libido is really high early in a relationship, and then just drops like a rock. Usually about a month in. I've noticed in the past, and when we got involved I warned my partner, "This isn't going to last, in about a month my libido is going to go from 11 to 1, pretty mcuh over night." I don't know why I do that, I also don't worry about it. I'm something of a psychology fan, and one thing i've learned is that everyone has their quirks. This is one of mine. (My partner was still thought that when my libido droppped it meant I was losing interest in him. I reminded him that I had warned him ahead of time and his reaction was something like, "I didn't think you meant it literally!")

Also something I learned in psych: yes it is normal for the 'spark' in whatever form it takes to go out of a relationship over time. Psychologists refer to the two stages of a relationship as 'passionante' (sparks flying, NRE all over the place) and 'compassionate' (fewer sparks, more quiet enjoyment of being together and building a life together, ORE). For the folks in this thread who've kept the passion up over time, I salute you. But OP, there is nothing wrong that the passion in your relationship had dwindled over time.

My experiences have been a bit different--I don't like having a low libido. Has nothing to do with my partner and everything to do with the fact that I like sex and wish I could enjoy it more often. I don't feel guilty that I'm not giving my partner sex, I feel frustrated that it is so hard to give myself sex. So the things that work for me (ie, finding the things that get me aroused, even with my low libido, and actively using them to get myself in the mood) probably won't work for you. Similarly, scheduling sex works for me b/c I can plan ahead and get myself into a sexy mood.

My partner is like yours. He needs physical intimacy, it is the only "love language" that he understands. My primary love languages are service and touch--not intimate touch, just a hand on his shoulder as I walk by, running my hands through his hair, that kind of thing. We talk, alot, about how our languages are different, and what we can each do to communicate our love in a way the other understands. Unfortunately, if the only "love language" your partner understands is sex, and you can't do sex, one or both of you need to find a way change, or this won't work.

Which brings us back to the beginning. From everything you've said, you've tried to find ways to change the situation. Are you interested in changing yourself? Has he done anything to try to change the situation? Is he interested in changing himself?

(Before anyone gets on my about 'changing yourself for your partner'--there are times when it is a good thing. My father was an alcoholic who loved my mother enough to stop drinking. He did it for her, but he did it because he loved her enough he wanted to change who he was. Changing yourself into something you don't want to make your partner happy is toxic. If you love someone enough that want to change? That isn't always toxic.)
 
Is this really a question of Libido or is it just that the OP simply doesn't desire sex with her husband? I know if I was in the husbands situation where I was having to beg for sex while the OP was freely giving sex to her new bf I would not be happy.
 
Also something I learned in psych: yes it is normal for the 'spark' in whatever form it takes to go out of a relationship over time.
Normal? I disagree. Common, yes, but that is not the same as normal... or acceptable. Psychology is not the only lens through which to view relationship dynamics. What I have come to learn is that long-term relationships only become stale and passionless when we cease to be fully present in the moment with our partners, and give in to the belief that we know who they are already - as if there is nothing new and exciting to learn about a person simply because we see them day in and day out. All the expectations and common routes our relationships take basically come from our belief systems.

At two years, anyway, a relationship is still fairly new and a lack of desire is not something I would think of as a natural turn of events at that point of a relationship. It is possible, however, that the relationship has run its course and should not continue.
 
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!

Is this really a question of Libido or is it just that the OP simply doesn't desire sex with her husband? I know if I was in the husbands situation where I was having to beg for sex while the OP was freely giving sex to her new bf I would not be happy.

I went through this exact scenario for a year or two with my gf miss pixi. When we first met, she was so hot for me, and vice versa, the first 3 months, we'd always hop into bed as soon as I came to visit. Quite suddenly one day, she wasn't interested when I got there and we went through a long period of her not warming to sex til I'd been there a day or two. It was extremely sad for me that her sex drive was tied to her NRE, and faded as NRE faded.

She was going through a hard time emotionally because of life issues unrelated to our relationship. I understood this. It was still extremely frustrating for me. She'd also get hot for strangers, not even actual dates. I'd be sitting there frustrated and see her getting all turned on chatting some internet guy she'd never meet. Like you, it was tied to self esteem and getting off on being wanted by someone new. Proof she was desirable. My desire was proven, she wanted MORE.

Good news is, since we have now been together for years, she worked through a lot of her self esteem/self confidence issues (with help from me, friends, therapy and antidepressants) and our sex life has improved dramatically! but in the short term, when her libido was low, I was dating furiously and getting lots of sex from others. Not a perfect solution, as I wasn't crazy in love with those boys, just in lust, but it was a bandaid for a while.

Normal? I disagree. Common, yes, but that is not the same as normal... or acceptable. Psychology is not the only lens through which to view relationship dynamics. What I have come to learn is that long-term relationships only become stale and passionless when we cease to be fully present in the moment with our partners, and give in to the belief that we know who they are already - as if there is nothing new and exciting to learn about a person simply because we see them day in and day out. All the expectations and common routes our relationships take basically come from our belief systems.

At two years, anyway, a relationship is still fairly new and a lack of desire is not something I would think of as a natural turn of events at that point of a relationship.

I agree that lust can be in a relationship for many years, even decades. I was married for 30+ years and the sex we had in the last 10 years was hotter even than our NRE sex. We had off years in there too, where 4-6 wks could go by with no sex, mostly when our kids were little and we were exhausted all the time.

Many women experience a big increase in libido around age 40.
 
This thread has a lot of the main topics discussed on the forum all rolled into one ... ...hierarchies ( primary ) , jealousy (emotional management) its got mismatched libidos, its got possible mismatch definitions on "sex " and or quality sex , Settling, NRE management, etc and all making a complex rubics cube ....one related to the other.

Old business:

Have you thought of what could be the possible " why's " as to libido with a new partner. Have you looked at the meaning of sex for you in that situation. Could you be an nre junkie ? Or are you doing it to please the other partner to get them/ keep them interested ??? Both examples ...

The reason I asked the question as to the possible " whys " is that by the very broad nature of the poly forum/community (there is no right or wrong way in poly ..to each is his or her own.) You have people on the swingerish side ...casual sex is fun and great and sex is just another bodily function ...the more the merrier. And then other end of the spectrum you have the super committed poly fi groups in which sex is a sacred act between soul mates.

As with the love languages do the 2 of you have different views on the meaning/importance of sex?
(Example ) if you view sex as recreational/body function and he the view sacred soul mates ....you encouraging and even paying for a daily hooker would might not erase the pain of you freely giving yourself to others while refusing or not offering him same opportunity.

Im a big believer of putting yourself in the other guys shoes. There has to be a dozen ways to make an equally strong analogy to this situation that he could do that might not feel good for you. People here love food analogy's so lets try one. You are a foody ( < in this analogy ) and you really enjoy eating foods from around the world and gourmet meals. Your primary partner not so much ...he's simple ...PBJ's, grilled cheese, cheese pizza, spaghetti in a can chicken wings bar food (a real ignorant palate )( again for purposes of this analogy ) Now he starts dating a new women and all of a sudden invests really huge money and time trying new all these new restaurants. " Oh sorry yeah I just dont feel like going to those restaurants with you" .

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Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
Is this really a question of Libido or is it just that the OP simply doesn't desire sex with her husband? I know if I was in the husbands situation where I was having to beg for sex while the OP was freely giving sex to her new bf I would not be happy.

What we are talking about is rejection. It sounds to me like he got sick of the rejection and decided if and when you want sex with him you have to initiate ....( which IMO sets up another completely unhealthy relationship element ) but I understand why he did it. Then add insult to injury ....Yes im have sex ...and yes it's a lot AND YES I still dont want to have sex with you "my primary " but I do want sex with this guy I met the other night or on the internet.

The emotional management for him might be "why " ??? is he just terrible in bed ...technically challenged ...selfish (1 pump chump) ...a fat slob that smells bad....too rough (mr jack hammer ) ... Another possible AREA of mismatch.
Maybe needs to be told the truth .... " honey I love you but you suck as a lover ...and I'm happy other women are able to tolerate having sex with you but I cant "
Not to nitpick but he might not be as jealous as much as envious.

Gala raises a great question about "doing " something to handle the emotions with in the dynamic ...have either of you sought counseling together or alone ?

People have touched on the topic of compatibility.
Mismatched is libido is a major driver for people trying the poly dynamic. Is this the case here ?


New business :

Compatibility .... 1) Sexually a. philosophically b. technically / bio-mechanically 2) general compatibility ( share space ) 3) goals and life direction ...

Hierarchies ....why and how did you configure with a primary ? What does that exactly mean ? Whats in it for you ...whats in it for him ?? This bleeds into the topic of settling .

Settling ....The way the relationship is currently set up who do you think is settling ?

NRE management ....how would you rate you NRE management ? How would he rate his own NRE management ?
Now how would rate each others NRE managament ?
How much time and money is invested in dating per week ?

For the record I didnt call you a NRE junkie ....it was a example of possibles ..
 
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Finding a solution that maintains the rest of the relationship may be very difficult or impossible. I think that he may eventually find someone who is compatible, including sexually. You may then become secondary, or less - depending on how things work out. That may not be what you want, but neither is the current situation for either of you.

I want my primary to be very compatible in many ways, and sexually is one of the most important to me. I could have secondary relationships that are less sexual in that case, but having to rely on a secondary for most of my sexual fulfillment could easily undermine the primary relationship as the lack of sexual connection would be distancing.
 
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Hi booboofish,

For what it's worth, I'm not thinking that the answer is for you and your bf to break up. I'm thinking that the answer is to accept each other the way you each are and also look at a few things you could each do.

Firstly, your BF could acknowledge the different ways that you send love, if possible.

Secondly, since you very honestly acknowledged that low self-esteem could be a reason for enjoying the 'catch', you could work on this. Having higher self-esteem could reduce your need for validation through new partners, and thus could increase your interest in long-term relationship sex. Even if it doesn't, this would still be a very valuable thing to work on.

Thirdly, is there any way that the appeal of newness can be achieved in your long-term relationship? Do you do things together that inspire you to fall into NRE with each other over and over again? Do you take trips to new places and discover new venues? Do you introduce new things into your sex life? Not just the usual 'spicing it up' stuff, but things that specifically give you a rush of newness - like you going for a drive, parking somewhere secluded, and calling him for phone sex; or roleplaying 'stranger in a bar'; creating and playing sex games; etc.?

Ultimately, if none of this makes a difference, these are your issues:

- BF's primary connection method is sex. Yours isn't.
- BF would like sex 4-5 times a week. You would like it once.
- BF still experiences sexual desire years into relationships. Your sexual desire peaks only with NRE.


Also, to me, libido is a two-fold thing:
1. "I need more sex" = can be achieved through extra poly partners
2. "I need a primary who wants me as much as I want her" or "I need a primary whose desire doesn't fade when NRE fades" = can only be achieved with a new primary, whether you two remain primaries or not


If it helps to have personal stories, I do believe that mismatched libidos can work out, but acceptance and acknowledgement of needs should be present. For instance, my GF's libido is much lower than mine. However, hers peaks with new or submissive male partners (or she focuses what sexual energy she does have largely on them). This was extremely difficult for me to deal with at first, but I now accept it. I don't take it personally, but see it as a sign that I know her very well.

However, I also acknowledge (and communicate) that my ideal is to have a primary whose desire is as focused on me as mine is on her. Therefore, if I meet someone who wants me more than my current primary does, I'm likely to pay that relationship a lot of sexual attention. Over time, I might decide that this new person would be a more rewarding primary for me. This might lead me to have two primaries (GF and new woman), or to see my GF as more of a secondary.

So, overall, I think that if nothing can or will change, you must both acknowledge that your sexual needs are more focused on newness and, therefore, BF's aren't being fully met in your relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean that you will lose him, but it does mean that to be fulfilled, your relationship might not be the only primary one in his life in the future.
 
I was you for a long time. Before we decided to try out poly, I was seriously suffering in the libido department. YEARS. WE've been together 16, married for 12, and in that time, he spent much of it suffering in agony. Like yours, he needed sex to feel loved.

It took going poly for our sex life to awaken. I became comfortable with sex, and the communication got so intense that now we communicate our needs. Talking about our encounters with others gets us hot, and now we're having sex several times a day. It took me finally bringing down all my barriers, and TALKING, and now we're working on this.

You don't have a low libido. You want sex often with your new relationships; the problem isn't that you don't want sex, it's that it's likely become stale, or not what you want.

If you're like my husband and me, sex became a major bone of contention, so that we couldn't talk about it without an argument.

Now we do. ;) You need to explore what the issues are with your husband before trying compromise. You can't. Believe me. I tried. This just isn't something you can find a happy medium on.
 
Lots of good info here, different ways people have handled this!

As I said earlier, since miss pixi's libido is lower than mine, sometimes much lower, sometimes just a bit lower, when I was out dating, I remembered how hurt I was when her desire faded 3 months into our relationship. (Even tho it did improve later.) One of my desires for a male lover was someone who could assure me of his high libido and his ability to maintain desire past NRE-- someone who was a horny bastard, in other words.:p

So, I found Ginger. He is almost as horny as me, and we are 2 1/2 years into a relationship. Only problem is, the man is 61 and had an enlarged prostate that needed surgery to make it smaller... ugh. He is full of desire still but his genitals are still not functioning normally. But before the surgery he was wanting daily sex. If he couldn't get laid by me he would masturbate, sometimes up to 3 times a day. I think that is really impressive for a man of over 60! Now he's got two new lovers besides me as well.

Be all that as it may, I still desire miss pixi, no matter how much sex Ginger and I have. She's so adorable and I just want her! No one else can take her place. I am so glad her libido has increased over the years. If it hadn't, a man like Ginger just might have replaced her as my primary, just because I feel I do need sex to bond. I used to tell her, don't let us have lesbian bed death! I won't stand for that.
 
Thank you all for the amazing advice.

We're working on finding a couples counselor now, which I think will be a great thing for us.

We also discussed that I was feeling resentful before when we have "scheduled sex" because I felt like everything was on ME, (ie there was something WRONG with me) and it was all up to me to fix it. But now I've agreed to scheduled sex if he agrees to scheduled "outings" or date nights (which make me feel intimate with him). Now it feels like there is more joint responsibility which is nice.

After some reflection, I think sex with new people is more interesting for me also because its like a fantasy. Once it happens, it's not so interesting to me, but I like to daydream about it and imagine it being mind-blowing. Sex with my bf could definitely improve so this is something we're also exploring...but it seems like the fantasy will always seem better than reality. Can anyone relate to this?

I think some people in this forum are quick to suggest that people should break up. I don't believe there is the perfect "one" out there for each of us; I think we decide who we want to share our lives with and often times that person doesn't line up with us 100 percent. Relationships are WORK, but I think its worth it in the end if we can figure this out. And if we can't, we'll cut our loses, but at least I'll know we tried.
 
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