I'm going to be straight up here, ok? I'm not trying to be mean or anything. I know you are struggling right now.
I'm still not getting a sense of what HE is willing to do, other than willing for YOU change and share sex lots with him. Have you asked him what he's willing to do? What did he say?
Because to me it seems like he is free to see other people, but he wants sex with YOU 4-5 times a week and you are good at 1 time a week. Limit reached. What's he going to do? Start forcing himself on you?
1) We have sex only when I initiate: This made him feel antsy and frustrated and I could tell, which made me feel guilty and selfish.
So he's having a hard time with emotional management of (frustration) because he's not getting sex from you as often as he wants? Tough. Your body. You don't want to share it, your right. Shy of forcing himself on you (which is NOT appropriate) he has to learn to cope with not getting a want, and the accompanying frustration. To me? He could deal with it in two ways:
1) Accept it and not see other people. Let go of his want for frequent sex. No longer frustrated.
2) Accept it and see other people. Keep the want but meet it elsewhere. No longer frustrated.
3) You could dump him and be free of this hooha. Sex share with you no longer pertinent. Off the table.
Why do you feel guilty/selfish seeing his frustration? You believe you have to put out whenever HE wants? You have a hard time leaving his emotional management to him? He acts out at you when he tantrums? Could you clarify?
2) We planned out times (every other day) when we would have sex: This worked in the sense that I was into it once HE initiated, but sometimes I felt like I was just going through the motions.
Because that is you not obeying your personal limitation -- you like 1x a week with him and you agree to overextend yourself to 3-4x a week.
I'm not surprised it leads to you feeling resentful. You are not doing it to (share sex together) from the sound of it but to (stop his fussing at you)
Fussing about what? Sex he wants from you that you don't want to do. Solution is not... do the sex you do want to do.
You're probably thinking; "Hey, you're in a poly relationship, he should go sleep with other people!" We've talked about this, and while he said that it HELPS, its important for him to have sex with ME specifically, in order to have our relationship work.
There is no other way for the relations to "work?" Like him accepting you have different libido levels,process his disappointment and adjust his expectation/want? He is not willing to do that?
I know some of you will probably tell me we're incompatible and that we should break up...I've considered this but its really really painful to think about and I want to make sure we've tried everything humanely possible before resorting to that.
If he's not willing to see that your body belongs to you and accept you only want to share sex with him once a week? I think you guys are there. Rather than forcing a thing to fly that won't fly, could accept it as limit reached.
Dragging on serves nobody. You could break up with him and even though painful to consider, get it done so you can be free of this and move on to processing your disappointment. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.
To make matters worse (and more complicated): We now have the added problem that whenever I meet someone new, I'm very sexually excited and sometimes have more sex with them more than with my primary parter (at least in the beginning phase). This makes my primary EXTREMELY jealous- understandably so. Explaining to him that this is just a temporary phase does not help. He sees me acting with other people that I barely know in the way he wants me to act with him; I can understand why that is painful.
So again with him having trouble with emotional management? You can be appropriately supportive but in the end I do not see where his emotional management is your job. That's an inside job he does. If you both agree to be in a polyship, you are going to date other people, and he has to learn to deal with it. This isn't 2 weeks in, this is 2 years in. It sounds like you have been practicing polyship all along, so this isn't new.
If he is unable to handle it, he could meet his need to be free of upset, and bow out of the polyship. You are not up for monoshipping and that is another area of incompatibility then. If you as hinge observe him not really wanting to be here or struggling this long and not wanting to accept it? The kindest thing you can do is cut him loose. End his suffering. And yours.
FINALLY: I know that excitement and desire changes when you have a long-term partner.
You
expect this? I don't know why. I've been with my partner for decades and excitement, desire and sex share still are running high. Sex share has changed for certain phases of life -- like during a high risk pregnancy, surgeries, etc -- but the desire and excitement were there all along and resume when health allows.
I've been with my primary for 2 years now. Sex will obvious become more routine, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. Even when I'm not seeing other people, we're still facing this problem of different libidos.
I think the problem is his emotional management. And whatever his sex-related belief is. Whether you see other people or not, you guys are still dealing with the fact he has a hard time with his emotional management. Sex share is just the surface trigger thing -- not the core belief.
He has to adjust this want and corresponding belief if he wants to contibute toward the relationship "working" from his end. This has nothing to do with who else you might share sex with or not share sex with. Because even if you have zero partners, if he believes he is
entitled to use of your body? And he is mad because you "deny" him the sex he thinks you "owe" him? That's a messed up thought right there. Does he believe this?
Or is he trying to use sex to "prove" his value to you -- a competition thing with anyone else you date? Because he believes that if he has the most sex with you, he's top dog, the most important one in your life? That's a messed up belief too, just different flavor. Does he believe this?
What DOES he believe about sex share with you? I still haven't heard the answer... or maybe I missed it?
He could deal with his emotional management and ask for appropriate help from counseling if he needs help. You could be supportive in that fashion -- since you guys are not solving it on your own. Maybe couples counseling is something to try next to address:
- Dealing with frustration that he isn't going to get what he wants -- sex 4-5x a week with you. Because sex isn't something that gets forced upon someone. Your body, you decide how and when to share sex with your body.
- Dealing with envy -- wishing he had what others have when he observes or you tell him about others. (You with googly eyes?)
- Dealing with jealousy -- fearing that what he has will disappear to others. (His being your top dog? Importance?)
- Dealing with disappointment he doesn't get what he wants, accepting, then changing the wants so he can be free of disappointment.
in more appropriate, healthier ways.
I'm afraid he will leave me...what can I do?
What's so great about this situation that you being free of it is awful? If he cannot adjust or will not adjust you are free to walk away.
Could you be willing to clarify what you fear is ?
He breaks up with you and goes away. Or YOU break up with him and he goes way.
This is scary because then you have to.... what?
Galagirl