Living Truthfully Within

Well I am almost over this cold hurrah!

I know a nasty virus has been going around attacking peoples lungs and turning into pneumonia for a LOT of people. Its happened with my (5 people) bio family in highschool city, its happened to coworkers here, its happened to people on forums all over. So I think theres enough collective people to say this last month or two has been bad for respitory illnesses/viruses! Even Rocky has come down with this illness, and my kids were chest coughing when I saw them last weekend.

Yesterday at work marked the day I was officially accepted into the fold.

I also ran into an aquaintance, Georgina, from the kids school, this has been a good platform to explain briefly about my kids no longer living with me, in a nuetral setting and also, when I am feeling quite strong and self-sufficient. :)
She offered to do a play date sometime, and said she'd bring the kids to the pub as well. That was quite a sweet gesture of her!

Last night Rocky picked me up from work, we chilled out watching the last of the four part finally of Avatar: the last airbender. Just laughing out heads off on part one. He can't sit still long this one, so we didnt watch a lot. I then played some child of light while he dozed next to me, and then we had a late night snack of left over stirfry I had made earlier in the day. We both have crazy allergies to tones of stuff so I am always trrying to find creative ways to cook food that is both palatable and also not going to make us ill.

I am succesfully down to 152. Going to be in the 140's soon, and working on for the first time in my adult life having less belly fat percentage. I am watching my macros, bringing the sugar down and putting the protein and other nutrients up. Right now my calories look like this most days:
1000 kcal on deficit days
500-800 on a 24 hour fast day (Sunday to monday)
and 1500-1800 on an eat up day or maintenance day

My Carbs: 100 grams
Protein: 75 grams
Fat: 33 grams
Sodium: 2,300
Iron: 100
Sugar: 25grams

The sugar I am getting pretty good at honouring as I have replaced my worst achilles heal, reeces peanutbutter cup, with a protein powder called PB2 with chocolate. Tastes amazingly close to reeces, but I put it in my coffee and tea in the morning, or on its own with water (or almond milk), and its sooo good!! Its also only 45 kcal for 2 tbs in my drink, instead of 540 for two Reeces. Plus without the extra sugar I am not converting sugar straight to fat in my liver.

I also use stevia as well (Truvia version) which is derived from the stevia plant and the least processed of the proccessed sugars (Besides brown or honey etc.)

I decided this year my goal is to put premium fuel in my body. :D I have an online forum for women in fitness, and also a whatsapp group and they are all super supportive. But its time for me to be really accountable now about every bite that goes in my mouth. I have done the emotional untangling of eating (therapy), and now I am ready to dig in deeper and go farther than I have ever before.

I got a message from Mooseman last night having some bad news. I dont want to end on a bad note, but my brain isn't far from him. I shared a small bit about him, who he was, a picture, and that I really liked him with Rocky last night. I asked him how he felt about it, and he was really happy for me. Cracks me up every time when he gets relieved that I have someone else. He knows our libidos are so disparate. I tried to sexy him up this morning but it wasn't happening. Le sigh.

I really dont want to find any further people, its too much time and energy right now, but it would be SO SO SO nice to have sex more regularly than once or twice a month. I accept Rocky as he is completely, and I don't at all want him to feel pressured to do something he doesn't want to do. But my god, I am so horny right now over Mooseman mentally pretty much every day. Not his fault or anyhting, I think I just have a generally high libido, but yeah thinking of him, talking to him on whatsapp/skype...kinda drives me wild.

I also shared this blog with Mooseman. Thats a new one for me, to do so quickly, and only a handfull of people read here. All the people I have ever written in depth about know it as I asked permission, but... I have been quite protective of this place.

We are skyping on Saturday (I think, we didn't confirm but I hope we can!) and I am really looking foreward to it. I am incredibly mentally attracted to him, and he is soooo handsome. He has the whole tall dark and handsome thing going on, but he is so sweet too. He's a very nice blend of assertive male, with gentle heart. And I so want to fuck his brains out, for days. We have this wonderful chemistry of mutual crazy humour. Yesterday morning he cheered me up from a particularly shitty day at work, and we were rhyming poetry back and forth making it up as we go along. It made me super happy and I felt I could take on the day more confidently, and I enjoy the lightheartedness he brings to my life. It's a very positive feeling around him.

I struggled a lot with Trip, even though he was kind, with his negative spirals. The depression and negativity, and such seriousness, it just wasn't healthy for me long term, even without the cheating part. So it's refreshing to be around someone so positive and uplifting. Speaking of Trip I dreamed I converted him to mormonism and shipped him off to a foriegn country so I didn't have to see him again. :rolleyes::D LOL. I am so weird. My subconcious is so weird. Clearly I am starting to heal anyway!

No news on the potential renter part, when I know more I will share but I feel all is right in the world today.

Hugs and love to you all, you fabulous people you!
Vroom Vroom another busy day!

I am in the midst of working hard at work, today is my day off but its anything but "relaxing". I have done my education, therapy, and now onto housework. I picked up a steam cleaner this morning and doing my spare room and two downstairs rooms. It's going to look gorgeous! I paid some bills, working on my clean laundry and dishes today.

While doing all this I am listening to a book on tape, and I've been playing a game called "Child of Light" which is visually stunning and the music is gorgeous and its very relaxing solo adventure.

I talk to the girls today on skype, and see them next weekend. I might go out tonight but not sure, maybe I will have a date night for me instead. I also have groceries being delivered that I have to put away and food to make/clean up. So really it might be nice to have a bath and early night to myself. I can be such a loner, but I enjoy it, or I wouldn't keep doing it. It seems to be what I know. :)
I had another on-going discussion with Rocky the other night.

I hadn't posted about it because I needed time to process it.

I simply asked him, what he saw us doing. I told him I was sick of not being good enough and if that was the reason for the non-labels I was done with sex because I valued myself more than he valued me.

He said that was not it, that it was the last hurdle with his dad and his family business, and that it would take about another year to get that sorted.

I said, well I still think its about the commitment issue you have. He agreed.
We discussed how to overcome this practically. I said look at it from my point of view.

You're trying to tell me, almost 2 years of being together, on and off with a label, but for all intents and purposes doing the same thing we keep doing, which is see each other once or twice a week, have sex once or twice a month, go on vacations, do things with kids, plan our time and money together...and those things...aren't girlfriend boyfriend?

I said, an apple is an apple no matter how much you pretend in your head its an orange. The actions say its an apple, it looks like and apple, it taste like and apple, it smells like and apple. The only person arguing it isnt is you, that its an orange.

So I said, look, I think the real reason we hit on when we did the first chapater of "More than two" together. You got incredibly fearful around commitment, and what I keep hearing (now not then) when you say "I don't want you Starlight1," is: "I am pushing you away so you don't reject me, but please don't leave me." Am I correct?

He turns away, and I know he's over come with emotion, because this is the response I get when he's near tears, with a very strong feeling.

When he turns back his eyes are glistening and he goes, "How are you so wise?"

We made love after that, and fell asleep in our usual fashion, cuddled up at first until we're both too warm, then turn away from each other but lightly touching with our feet.

I didn't discuss this with him those because I wanted him to want me. I asked and told him those things because I wanted the truth behind what he was doing. Now that I know I feel easy with this situation. I know its not me at all. It's him. And it has been him 3/4th of time, minus the time when I was an over emotional ass last Xmas in the grieving process with loss of my kids. Man I was triggering badly then. At least I made it through this last november/december with minimal triggers.

So anyway, I asked if I could pop around tonight, to finish our Aang-a-thon. He's checking in with his sister who just moved in finally. Yay for her. Will be nice to see her again. :)

Rocky is very aware that I can and will cut people out of my life completely if they are ass-hats, or if I simply ccan't get over my feelings for them and need time away. So, he knows that his continual rejection of me has hurt me deeply and we need time to overcome this and I figured out a specific way to do. I am going to ask him to do three specific things with me, I will plan the first one (because I want Lake district trip dammit! lol) And he can do the last two.

I want to rewrite over the times he broke up with me with positive memories. The first time was right after Vday last year, so that will be the first we can write over. Lets see if we can come up with something. And if he likes the idea :)

Anyway, on to other news.

I sent two hours skyping with Mooseman yesterday. He's a bit preoccupied with life events, and thats ok. :) There is clearly a lot on his plate! A masters degree, work, social obligations, family obligations. The fact he finds time for me is pretty awesome!! We tentatively made plans for midweek or end of week failing midweek. We talked about a lot of things, I learned more about who he is and what he's like and we laughed a lot. It was easy and natural. We have been sexting a lot, and I want to integrate that to video chat, but I get strangely shy and nervous when I try to flirt with him. HEs just really smart and hot and hilarious, and I get these weird butterflies in my stomach, then I realise, its ok I'll be ok, and I say something really frank and foreward, and then go back to being shy again. haha. It's weird. Definitely budding NRE feelings there.
If you plan it and book it, they will come. ( Lake District )
Thanks Atlantis.

I shall do that. :)

I have had a pretty good week. Worked close to 40 hours, so pretty tired, plus I am off to West city tomorrow in UK to see my girlies. :) Excited about that!

I feel like I am mostly healed from the things in November. Theres both an acceptance of what Rocky can offer, and also, the grief has dulled regarding Trip. We have been texting once a month, just a casual, hey how are you doing, whats up sort of thing. Weirdly I speak more to P on a regular basis than him. She is in a not great place and what I originally felt as hostility was vulnerability to a situation in which she has a lot of life things stacked against her right now. Her health in particular is not so great so being a texting support network has been helpful for her and I am glad to do that. I feel shame for misunderstanding her so badly, but then, jealousy can bring out the worst traits in us all.

I had a ping of that jealous feeling when responding to FB with Rocky, I noticced he has some new female friends, and I wondered if he's dating again. We usually tell each other of our dates, so its probably nothing, and it doesnt matter if he dates anyway. The jealous manifesited its self, and it is what it is. It only represents really my frustrating question in my mind that always pings around in regards to Rocky: WHY the fuck am I not good enough. And thats just it, there is nothing wrong with me, its just hes not in love with me. Oh he loves me, and hes fond of me, you can see it on his face...but...something vital is missing for him and I dont know what it is. And since it is, its senseless applying that to me, or worrying if some other person can fill that for him. Certainly other people have been different things to me. And I give them different things too.

But even with that we weren't compatible long term. And Both men can't give me what I am looking for. A nesting primary partner, though they are both lovely and kind people. I know that Trips motives and intentions were not to hurt me, even though he did. He simply had a stronger and longer bond with this other woman and made some bad decisions which impacted me negatively and our communication styles were too disparate. It was driving me mad after 6 months! I couldn't handle 6 years of that type of deliberate side stepping of topics. He would not give me a direct answer to save his life, and when he did, it was as if we simply talked in circles, making no sense. I could not understand his logic at times, and my logic didnt make sense to him either. Many times we looked at each other in strange confusion.

Things petered out with The Doctor, Seth. I saw him last week and we agreed in text to simply be friends only. He couldn't hack my non-monogamy. We weren't sexually compatible either,(thats another story, we never actually did the deed, but he put moves on a while back and I just wasnt feeling it at all!) although I liked him and we have serious dance chemistry, we didnt have much other in common, and his religious and background differences were much much different than mine; highly-religious-to-going-no-religion background. I doubt I would have ever gone anywhere travelling with him, for fear I'd be stuck in his homecountry. And his home country was very important to him. (He's been back seeing family twice since I met him in November!) So we are friends who see each other and flirt. No worries there :) He needs friends and so do I.

I heard from Lark wanting to schedule with me and asking my availability. Oh so nice to have somone who actually has a calendar and schedules. He gets a star in my book.

So a bit more about him, he's the Scot, with a wife similar to me.. apparently we even both play the flute ha. Weird. But like me and Rocky, she has zero libido, so after quite a few years of marriage they decided to open up, and he travels to their home and his place in london. He does quite a bit of travelling and was in Scotland and up north with wife for most of december.
He is seeing another woman, I call her Ms Red, because she is sort of a Dom to him, and wears the most outlandish stuff. Apparently last time he saw her, she was in a complete red dress, with fur overcoat, and thigh high stilleto boots. Apparently she has money in her 40's and basically does all sorts of kink stuff with him. lol. Fun!

He's a very visual person, so he likes the way I dress and keep home etc. I like to dress up and its nice to have someone to do that with. He's around 5'10" fit and trim, a runner, I don't know when we are actually getting together at all as he was super quiet over winter and I thought perhaps he lost interest. But apparently he hasn't. The only thing that bothered me was his scent. I have a super picky nose and his mouth had serious halitosis, so I may see if that was illness or something, or if its that I can just mention something and pop him a mint. It kinda puts me off kissing him! (he does drink, could be that.) But again hes a nother person who would be sorta tertiary because hes just too far, established up north and travelling up north all the time. I'd be better off finding someone in kids west city than with him. I can't be making a trip up north all the time.

Weirdly I dont have this same problem with Mooseman. I have serious feelings for him, that have blossomed and bloomed overnight with such intensity. He is definitely equal in my mind in importance to me as Rocky is. I want something real with him. I want to meet him, I want to spend time getting o know him, I want to hug him and kiss him, I think about him all the time, and we're texting incessantly. I am constantly trying to find time to fit him into my schedule. I would easily travel to his country for him, and have no issues whatsoever. And he is tentatively making plans for February to come see me. I hope that happens. We send each other voice messages, videos, pictures, memes, texting live, skyping, and sexting. :) It's pretty hot stuff.

Last night we stayed up till 3 am my time, writing to each other sexting on first whatsapp then skype when my phone almost died. It was so hot we got each other off twice, both of us! He is smart and funny, he is finishing uni, and working for an overseas games corporation. I REALLY like him. A lot!
He just does something for me I can't describe. Theres no secrets or niggling background worries in my mind, just communication and a lot of it! I can't believe we've been talking just over a month and a bit. I really hope this isn't one of those, burns brightly fizzles out ones. I hope it stands longer and stronger than the rest. :) He's a very very good man. :eek:
Today is one of those days that I feel like my heart my break in two.

Seeing the girls is both wonderful and excruciating. And this was on the heels of seeing the woman I worked with last spring to do artwork/agreements with. I was really sad about my kids and could not do art. I have half heartedly done it since then. Doing my art is so tied up with them, of my family, of my life, I dont know how to do it again right now. I feel the light inside dead today as I shut down from the lack of sleep, expenditure of energy, and of emotional and mental exhaustion.

I miss them. I miss my family. I wish to god every day I did not have to give them up. And I had no choice in the matter, I did everything I could do. My pain is so raw today its as if my whole heart might just burst open and the tears stream down my face and will not stop, no amount of self care is helping. The ache is deep, this wave is big and it will not stop right now. Please please please, wash over me and be done, I am so weary in the moment, I want..something I cannot reach so badly. This woman triggered me, this moment yesterday being rejected by Rocky triggered me, and this job where I feel so uncertain and unaccepted is also making me feel this way. I butt heads with one of the managers yesterday about seeing my kids, and felt very angry, so angry, i rose up and argued back in front of everyone. The star who is normally nice and agreeable, i wonder how many people I shocked. I do have a backbone, but no one will come between seeing my kids. Ever.

So my emotions have been raw and tender and all over the place. I wonder if I am due to start my shark week soon..
I checked things:
Am I tireD? Yes beyond so. I slept long and hard but I am still exhausted. Its the pain in my joints. I need a less physically demanding job.
Then, I am also exhausted emotionally and mentally and I have to put my game face on for work in an hour. Sigh. I will be fine when I am there, but right now I feel so fragile. Somedays its just beyond me to just get up and take those first few steps, the burden of my life, the life I have led that has had so many ups and downs and so much personal tragedy is weighing heavily on me today.
<hugs> Star. I hope you are able to make it to work and have a good day. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I can't imagine how painful it must be to be separated from your children by the legal system.

I do know what it's like to struggle with depression and feel like life is too much sometimes so you just feel exhausted, no matter how much sleep you get. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to that at least understands part of what you are going through.

Rocky and I both work shifts, so our schedules are always one week in advanced planned basially unless we book holiday time off. However, we both found out yesteray we would have today off, so yesterday I checked with a local spa/pool at a hotel and got us in for today to have a relaxation and reconnection day.

We both passed on sexy time as he spent the night last night, and we slept hard and long, until around 945 am, then we went out and had brunch, at the hotel, and spent until 2 at the spa. We played in the pool, went in the hot tub and sauna and both got head neck shoulder massages. It was amazing. And it was perfect, just what we both needed. The day had been rainy and cold, the type that gets in your bones and stays, and so I was very grateful for the warmth and pain free day. It was the perfect antidote for our painful muscles.

We were really playful and fun together, we had pillow fight the night before, and I we touched and played in the water, him carrying me, showing off our bodies of hard work, him and his arms and shoulders, and me and my nearly flat stomach now. That was fun, we love boulstering each other up and challenging each other with the next level. He talked about how many chin ups he can do now, and I told him I progresed to floor toe pushups (Started on wall push ups then went to sink/counter height, then to chair, then to step stool/bathtub edge, then floor.)

We talked about our calories and food choices, him eating and bulking up with more protein, me with intermittant fasting (one day per week), and maintaining enough slow release calories during work when I am on my feet fast paced all day.

It was a well needed reconnection and it was nice for me to be able to afford to splurge for him as this was my gift to him for his bday last month. He has such a big grin today and picked me up and twirled me around kissing me. Such a romantic.

I had tentatively made plans with Lark for tonight, but I cancelled as I was miffed he only wanted to come over from midnight until first thing tomorrow morning. I dont want a fuck buddy personally. And if we are, I want us to be able to be friends first. So...yeah. I think that's going no where.

I had a lot of of bad news in the last month with friends loved ones dying, plus a girl took off work this week who lost a best friend, AND the worst is another friend of mine tried to commit suicide. So he' now in hospital. I was horrified when I found out and really worried about his wellbeing. I think I found out hte day before my last post and I just wasnt able to talk about it. I'm still not really. I will be working with my therapist tomorrow on all this shock and grief going on, I have been binge eating this week trying to cope with it all, of course my version of binge eating is eating to maintenance calories for my weight not eating over that. I used to eat a whole large pizza by myself, now my version of binge eating is 3 slices instead of 1.
I just dont have the stomach or desire to eat like I used to and if I do I will physically throw up or feel close to it because my stomach cant handle that much food, and my body can't metabolise that much fat/sugar/etc. So it wants to get rid of it somehow.

So my generally up and down moodiness, has overal leveled out to a managable place, of ups and downs that are just not as high or low as they used to be. Regular exercise helps heaps!

I am still doing pilates every other day or so, sometimes daily, and weights about once or twice a week. Cardio every day, sometimes more than once in a day. Everything from house work, to work, to DIY, to playing in the pool with kids/Rocky, to renting a bike for the day to use and playing with that...I just love to move my body now. I love to dance and play on the wii, and by myself with music. I am just loving living life!

Thanks for your words of encouragement Hannahfluke, I really appreciate it :) I will definitely take you up on your offer! x
lol. Rocky has become so chill with my poly lifestyle he brought me buy condoms for other guys. He said, I got these and didnt need them and thought you might want them Star, I know you had [Lark] coming over and had remembered we used the last of the condoms, and wanted to make sure you had some! (He was teasing me because I didn't have bog roll today...:rolleyes:)
Hmm just when I think things were cooling with Seth he spends about 2 hours texting me today. Thats huge considering he works 40 hours in the hospitals clinic AND he is doing two research projects in this country for health, that will be published medical papers. So yeah, he's still clearly interested, hes just in a funny place right now. I think he misses his family. I recognise the signs because I lived with my feet in two worlds for a long long time and it still hard being away from all those I love. So I will keep being kind to him and we'll keep getting to know each other gradually. I will keep seeing him at ceroc, I still think he's super yummy, and he's very willing to just hang out and see where things go. :) I am trying to relax with my relating with people, but at the same time make sure I am with people that will be ok with being friends as well, that do things that respect me and them.

I finished painting my room and my renter moves in on monday :) Will be fun I can practice frencch and I bet Rocky will be over to practice his.

I also had Liam over yesterday night. And I reconnected with my arts network nearby. I am so glad I went, I renewed my membership and felt revitalised with my career. I asked Liam if he would be willing to be a paid assistant for my art thing I am doing. And he agreed, so we're writing up terms together. We generally had a really fun time togethr chatting, cooking, catching each other up on life. :) I really enjoy being around him as a person.

Then today was work, I work a hellish ten days in a row, but yay monies. lol. I was having a lot of weakness in my wrists today though and sluggishness in my body because I overdid it by painting my upstairs wallls. I had no idea what a job it was to do that as I had never painted walls before.

Next time I will ask a friend around to keep me company and do the taping and edge work while I use the roller. :)

Time just keeps flying by, so much!
So a lot has happened since my last post.

Where to start.

Last tuesday, on the 2nd I went to a funeral. It was really hard to go and shook me up. It trigged my PTSD quite a bit, but I am generally doing better now. I won't go into that much. Then I went to work on that tuesday, and I got treated like shit basically.

The owner/manager started shouting at me, harassing me and calling me names for very minor mistakes I made that night. He knew about the funeral and was really still an ass, he said "I dont get a fuck about your own problems [Star] you don't bring your shit through the door." And the mistakes were so small. My head wasn't in the game that night though, it was like I couldn't stay present. I was in shock from the funeral.

Then, later that night he he went off on me again, he said that I was stupid, that I made the establishment look stupid and him look stupid. And then he sent me home in anger...

Instead of being forced to lose my job, I slept on it, spoke to different people, then quit. I had the next day off to think about it. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore.

It wasn't the first time I went home crying from the harsh treatment since I first started there. And I wasn't ok with it.

So I left a message on the whats app messenger, explaining that I was quitting due to the owner/managers treatment of staff. I wanted to stand in solidarity of all the other people he had treated badly. Because without us he didn't have a place to run, if we were all picked off one by one we were weak alone, but together, we could be stronger than his bullying.

I was too afraid to confront him at the pub, though he has no real control over me now. But I know he had been physical with some of the other staff. So for me, harassment is harassment and if he does that in person, then I will report him to police. I should probably have done that, on tuesday. But I knew it was my word against many people who may or may not speak up, who may wish to not be bullied, or keep their job, or not rock the boat etc.

Anyway, In the end I still haven't been back to return my stuff this week. Following through on things that are hard like this, it's tough for me, because I have been extremely abused in the past, and I flash back to those. That's ultimately what decided whether I stay or not, my PTSD flared up so bad with him and his verbal abuse that I nearly ran out of there at one point in blind terror. I held it in, but it was difficult, really difficult.

So that was Tuesday and Wednesday. I know I can't move foreward until I give myself closure with this. And I won't get closure until I return the items. Something about facing down the thing I am most afraid of...

That brings us to Friday. I did not a lot, I recovered really. Worked on education, puttered around the house, spent time with my roomie who moved in that week, finished a game I had been playing. It was nice to complete something.

On Saturday night I went to my friend Ria's house and we went clubbing.
I have never been to a club all night long, this was new for me! I got there abysmally late, and itwas raining and very cold, around 5pm instead of midday :O

Then we got ready until 11, then went to the club. I had so much fun. I was channelling mostly sappho vibes the entire night, and generally being flirty with Ria, we danced together, and hung out with her and her other friend. I thought it would be weird because she is best friend for a long time, but it wasn't she's very cool, and there was no threes company problems. I liked her :)

Even when we all got drunk and I got a little flirty randy with a man we enjoyed each others company. We spent 3/4 of the time hanging out and dancing toggether and one forth with other men, flirting and stuff, but started the night together an finished around 4 am together.

I started talking to a man, who I dont think I will give a name. He's a good guy but not my type. In that, I wanted escapism, not a another boyfriend. I was there to get away and out of my head of all the things that I had been doing in my life to that point that was hard and shitty. I wasn't really looking for a real connection and he lives so far away from me (So does Ria, she is three hours from me!) that I don't really want to spend the time on someone else in that area. I would go there to see her ;)

I am finding it difficult to find local friends to do things with. It is hard to find a place I fit in- in this area, I thought it was at the pub at least, and I would make friends there. I realise now, they were work colleagues and there is a difference, I guess. Maybe there wouldnt be over time, but because I couldn't deal with the owner, I now lose out on having those friends there too :( Thats the hard part I am dealing with. Now what? That is what is going through my head. Now what? How do I find people that I get along with here, and where do I fit in?

I really hate being the outsider, I have been here three years, certainly there are other people in this area I could get along with.

I am not quite ready to put my CV out there and keep going, but I am working on it. I am doing some client work for my business and I am working on doing the business as well. Plus I still have my coursework to keep me busy.

So anyway, I went the party and clubbing. I really Chinese new year, with Ria, who made a chinese hot pot and taught us how to play majhong tiles. It is for the record nothing at all like the ones on the computer. It is very different, more like playing cards. I loved the way she made teh meal, and I think I might get a hot pot of my own. It's bloody brilliant! And so healthy!!

On Sunday I got in around 9 am, went to sleep for three hours. Then I hung out with roomie and Rocky fr a bit, then Rocky and I watched TV while roomie went to sleep, then we had some sexy fun times, a few times that evening. Apparently Rocky is very randy lately, and his libido has been on full drive lately! So we did that then watched tv then had sex again, it was fun but I was exhausted, we didnt get to sleep until 3 am. We got up at around 930 am, and had more sexy fun times, and went to breakfast. Rocky is really making an effort now, and I know I should be happy. But I am finding it difficult to trust. He asked if he could leave some items at my house (Clothes and tooth brush etc.), we made concrete plans to go to west city to see the girls this month as my Vday gift. And he agreed to come b the house and help me with the squeaky door. He also asked if I wanted to come with him to shop for some picture frames to put up in his hall way. He said he has printed off pictures of me and him and the girls, and us in budapest etc. I said ok. He said he considered me family.

I know he is doing everything right.

I know that, I know how hard he is trying. But for me the trust has been broken, I don't know if it can be fixed for me at this point.

I think I want to try. But it will take time just like everything else.

Sex was very different this time, as it was more a challenge for him to get me to orgasm, because i trusted him less, I held back more, unable to give in to the moment a lot. Eventually I could but the resistance was there and he could feel it. He understands the consquences and is doing his best to fix the problem, but it doesnt mean I am still not wearing the scars.

So two out of three "Breakups" are now being written over with trips. Confirmed for September to lake district, and confirmed for february for West City. :) Should be good tmes. At least our problem resoltion things don't include shouting or arguing we just push against invisible walls of trust and commitment sometimes, that makes us both stubbornly silent, and we have to tease out each others feelings. He said I am like a cleaning lady that comes in and clears the dirt off his windows in his brain, and he can see clearer and understand where his thoughts and feeling connect about things he can't see on his own. And that he values me and that a lot.

Thoughts opinions people/ Am I being an idiot for trusting again?

Conversation with Mooseman was less than ideal this weekend too. Why? Because he started off by doing work while talking to me. I got rightfully pissed off and told him I would hang up, and how woul he feel if i were doing two things at once and didnt pay attention toh im on his time with me? A relationship cannot develop with partial attention, and its very disrespectful of me.

So after that was fixed, I think anyway, he could have just stopped mentioning but I dont think he was working after that, we talked about many different things and time slipped by. That was in the hour before Rocky came over. Rocky was worried because I didnt answer my phone he thouht that I wasnt going to see him, but thats because I was on skype with Mooseman, and he wasnt expected until 830. I appologised for not sending him a quick text (My phone was also upstairs on silent oops), and he was like, I was just relieved you were home. (He's not used to me not picking up, as I have pretty much always answered the phone straight away for him.)

I think this post is quite rambly now haha, jumping around to topics. We shall see if anyhting real develops with either one. I am sick of games, sick of fantasy, sick to death of half commitments and unavailability.
People need to bring them whole selves and be present and have fun and stick around. Thats what I need. And I think Rocky is delivering that. I think more importantly I am now ready to have that, and ready to speak truthfully as I feel it.
Continued because I have a lot to say today...:)

I had an intense therapy session and its changing the way I relate to men. I say what I actually feel and think, and I connect it faster than ever before. Except in fight or flight modes, most of the time, I now bluntly tell men how I feel.

Good example at club, i wasnt really interested in any men there, in fact i was mostly interested in women, because of this I was quite desirable by the men, and I got approached by one who wanted to dance and he said, why did I not dance with any men? I said because I like "cunts" more (I said this endearingly and like, owning the word with pride that I have one, that I want one, that I am a woman and I can choose who I want to be with..) and that I have wonderful men in my lif and I feel very happy with the ones I have. I didnt need anything else, I dont really want anymore connctions that are romantic in anyway. I thought often of Mooseman and Rocky, but mostly, all my eyes were on Ria. The way she moved, the way she is, she is a good good person, and I am proud to call her my friend. I definitely have a girl crush but I dont want it to end like Ivy's did, where the relationship its self has stuttered toa halt and we do not see each other. I think Ria is much more confident and comfortable in who she is than Ivy which makes it easier to be confident and comfortably me. She also comes fro ma very stable family background, and very much no drama personality. I like it, we mesh well and I like how much she is in my life. :)

I am not going to ceroc tonight. I am on shark week and keeping to myself. I need to recover from all this. Lots of processing. Ther therapy and funeral alone would have been enough in a week. But Rocky stepping up, the girls, my family...oh thats the other thing. My brother was in a car crash and lost his job. So we both started a new job in january and lost it in february. I am saving with his gf to bring him out to england for his thirthiet birthday. I want him to come see my world. :)

I need to get to work. Early night tonight, and start bright and early tomorow.

Tomorrow besides resolving the job thing, I am also headed to the village near by to have coffee with a friend, and also, to skype with my brother, AND to have the girls over for fun times too. Its the day they come over to visit. We have lots planned that day.

So I need an early night to do all that.
I am going to buy a bike. So that I can get to and from stores, to and from a new job, to and from local things without the aid of the bus. It will be a lot to learn.

The highway code here has a few sections just dedicated to learning to ride a bike in this country:

Kinda Crazy but that's the way it is. I know its to keep us safe.

I am also finally facing down the owner of the pub tomorrow. It's taken me a week to recover from all this. But I will do it. I will.

I gave myself a "self-care" reward afterwards, I signed myself up to pilates that evening. I also talk to girls on skype. So I have quite a few things to do.

I can do this. I wil ldo this so I can find a job outside my local area, so that I can cycle with my friends, and not lose the gains I have made at my last job on energy and self worth. Exercise is part of that. :)

I feel I am taking positive steps foreward, though I stalled this last week, I am picking myself back up and moving foreward. I just havent adjusted to all this change. I am not used to living with someone. I have a new roommate now. I am not sure how to adjust quickly to things. I am move so slowly on things and some things need you to move more quickly than I do. I just feel like I am going through a hell of a processing moment and i am so inside myself right now.
Yes, it is my time of the month. I tend to become rather emotional (cliche like and all) during this time, especially the first few days. But this particualr one has been REALLY up and down. I think grief and change is compounding it. But I have been like a freaking roller coaster of emotions for the last 7 days and I am STILL on...:( I wish I had last months "shark week" because it only lasted four days. this one seems to drag on forever...
I am so fucking proud of myself.

I took back the items to the restaurant. The owner, Fred, loudly asked: "What are you doing here [star]?" And I said, I am returning the things that are yours. I went in there with my head held high. He looked away first. That was a big moment. I calmly and cooly stood my ground, and I knew I was in the right. The best part was that I talked to V, one of the managers/staff there and she was so inspired by what I did she said she was looking for work elsewhere when she moves. She moves in 5 months. I felt if I had made a difference for even just one person in the working conditions there, then I had chops to be a leader. I didn't need to dictate or be bitchy or be cruel, I could calmly and clearly stand my ground and go, I am a survivor, not a victim.

For any one who struggles with anything similar in standing up for yourself, especially with anxiety and triggers today represented a huge moment for me in my healing and recovery. I do not need to be pushed to the brink to stand up, I can just stand up for me. That is ok.

Yesterday after mapping out my game plan, I decided on a reward for successfully achieving goign there. I am goign to pilates this evening at my local place and seeing some of the people there I haven't seen in quite some time. I feel good about me, I feel like I can do this. I really can. I can find a new job, part time not full time. I can do my art and university. I can empower myself and get on with my work on my own. I can do it.

And likewise if I choose to forgive Rocky or not, or have him in my life or not, thats also my choice. I am an empowered woman now. And therapy freaking rocks. :)
So its been a kinda crazy few days emotionally for me. I have kicked butt, and really made strides.

I have finally accepted Rocky as an ex, and clarified why he wanted to call me family, and all the other mixed signals he was sending. Basically, it doesn't change anything for me. he doesnt want to have a "Relationship" and this Vday wasn't marked with boy friend cards or gifts. I told him my plan of rewritting over history with new good memories, but it doesnt change the fact he did break up, and he isnt getting back with me.

I told him I don't want sex anymore, I told him that because I feel more friendly towards him. That the sex is great, but I cannot give to him when he is adamant we aren't a relationship.

I also realised why I was angry at him and upset and emotional. I cannot accept very well him wanting to be my family even though thats the thing I have wanted for so long more than being his partner or anything else.
I realised I need to work with my therapist on what fmaily means to me.
I had Rocky hold me and tell me "I am your family star, and you are safe" because I just was so vulnerable for a bit thinking if hes family does he want to hurt me? (Ie, like my bio dad, my uncle, etc.) My first real good memories of my family have been the trip back in october-november, and also my grandma when i was a child, and my aunt when she visited. He said he hoped i could focus on those instead of the shitty stuff that happened.

I think I had an allergic reaction to something as well. I dont know what but I broke out in a hives/rash all over my body today, after all this emotional stress. I went to pilates in the morning and just totally broke up and swelled up. It was crazy.

I took some antihistimanies (strong ones) and they knocked me out and made me really sleepy. So I am just returning to bed again after this.

I am wondering if it wasn't stress as well.

I am going on a date on monday. I am not sure I want to date again but I will give it a go. I think I will feel better about it when I Feel better in general (about illness etc.)

Sigh. Life.
I feel like I have exposed a tender underbelly of something long hidden in myself, and slowly working through it.

I dont know how to go foreward with Rocky. I was easing into a very happy place with him in December until now, only to realise perhaps I was lying to myself again. I can't keep going foreward with him insistent it isnt a real relationship. It drives me batty, and so I am getting off teh rollercoaster now. I know I consider him family but I am not kisssing him anymore, and we will see if he is speaking the truth about wanting to be around me regardless of sex. I somehow doubt it.

The date went well, actually it was realllllly fun, and easy, Hes a very good guy. But I feel like a fucking plague, like, with this Rocky stuff, - no more than that. That the stuff from my childhood is still raw and tender right now with what happened at ex-work. This date last night, realy shook me up, he was able to get to the heart of me very easily. He slipped past my walls and shook me up to my core. And it scared the shit out of me. I am used to doing that to other people, and itwas unsettling for that to happen to me. Rocky and I slowly got to know each other, like a flower opening up. I like taking things slow to give myself time to adjust. This is not how this date proceeded, he was practically down my throat by the end of the night and the part I hate about myself, is that I didn;t say no. Why do I not say no? Why dont I just say, soory I am not feeling this, can we please stop? Why the fuck is that so hard for me??

This is the fundamental thing I am banging at with myself inside myself. And this happens with men, women, all sorts. Speaking up formyself in a reasonable manner, like I have the right to. Partnered with this mans ability to turn any remark I made into a joke, made it harder for me to speak up because I felt anything I said he wouldn't actually listen to anyway, or would be couched in so much banter I couldn't be sure he'd acctually take my word seriously even if I managed to get it out. Ther ewas also a slight undercurrant of, him not trusting strong women, he seemed to think I was the type of woman who told a man how it was and it was my way or the highway. That is not how I am at all. In fact if anything its the opposite. So his view of me was very strange. Especially since all I wanted to do was tell him to stop being so handsy and foreward it was making me feel very uncomfortable.

I dont think I will be seeing him again. I felt intense anxiety at the end of the date, kind of like after you get off a rollercoaster. And I couldnt figure out in my head if it was a good rollercoaster or bad for me?

Ironically Rocky and I aren't fighting or anyhting, there is no arguing or shouting or cold retreats from each other. Its just that we agree to disagree on something rather fundamental and thats been going on for a year, and no matter what I do it wont change it, and so its slowly eating away at my self esteeme and self worth around him and relationships. I feel super confident in finding new work and in myself generally, but just around him I doubt myself, I doubt my worth, I doubt I am a good peron. And none of this he has said explicitly except that he doesnt want a relationship with me, which fundamentally makes me feel like I am less. Thats how my brain interprets it. Also that he doesnt include me with his famiyl an friend events. He doesnt even ask me.

I seem to be fixated on this problem and unable to concentrate on other things right now.

I dont know what to feel about him. I dont know what I want to do. I dont know my next course of action. In fact I dont want him to come to west city anymore. I just want to push him and all men away. I feel rather hostile towards men right now, and vulnerable and upset and wishing he would want me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? When will be enough that I finally walk away? Yesterday was the first time in a long time I have rejected him for sex, I have this weird thing that its really difficult for me to say no to sex. I know logically I can, but my body betrays me with men, It sends signals that say yes and I cannot seem to control it, even though my heart and mind are screaming no. This has been an issue for me for a long time.

I scared myself on the date last night. I said things that showed the sad schism in my self. We were talking and laughing and he asked playfully in a remark if I turned into a psycho bitch sometimes, and I wanted to say, well yes I do. I wanted to say that to push him away, but also because there have been times in my life when I have. But I also wanted to say that, and scream that I feel trapped inside my own skin, unabble to say and think and feel and be myself truly as I am in the moment! I am not some cute coy girl who just wants to flirt with men, I am am and can be a right bitch. And I want ot be. Thats the part that scares me. I want to shout down the mens fucking throats who think on the first date they can ask me how I shave my pubic hair, but its not ok for me to say, well I think you should cut your facial hair!

I AM Fucking sick of Rocky saying one thing and doing another. I am fucking sick of the fact its ok treat me this way. I am sicck of men and relationships and dating and poly and everything right now.

I just cant be in a good place with people right now I just want to cry and grieve and scream and I have no idea whats going on with me, but I think the hives were related dto this. I think I am finally facing that demon within me, the one from the past that men have abused and hurt.

Wow thank you blog for being such a therapeutic outlet. Whew I needed that. I am going to ceroc tonight now that I am feeling better and meeting up with Ria first. She asked if I wanted to hang out earlier. :)

I am going to do a workout, and take care of myself some. I havent done any self-care since my work quit. I mean I am still doing pilates, and long walks, and I may have found a new job, but this state of flux the last month has been crazy. I need some normalacy!
I dont know what to feel about him. I dont know what I want to do. I dont know my next course of action. In fact I dont want him to come to west city anymore. I just want to push him and all men away. I feel rather hostile towards men right now, and vulnerable and upset and wishing he would want me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? When will be enough that I finally walk away?

Oh my god this sums up my feelings toward bear right now I just had a good cry. I'm NOT the only one who goes on this crazy roller coaster! I'm not nuts!

I am treating our "break" as a full on break up, but jesus, one minute I hope I never see him again and he doesn't come anywhere near my area, to I wish he'd call me up, wanting me and getting involved with me again.

And I feel the same way about men. I feel the same way about people in general. Getting out of the house, going to munches, and all that jazz has been so good for me, but a part of me wants to become a hermit to protect myself from both my raging emotions and the crap other brings into life.

Ah good post. I feel encouraged this morning. Thanks.
So the fracture that was happening yesterday, I figured out what it is.

My therapist described it as "Experience transference", and basically you ascribe to a certain present situation a feeling/thought/association from a past one...on a subconcious level. In order to combat my childhood I am going to work through a book and workbook with my therapist. For the first time in my life I am actually tackling this as a whole concept. I will not be draggign this shit around to each man/woman/child in my life.

I am ready to change. Ready to heal, and very close to a peacceful life. I still go up and down, but I am hunting for a job again, two weeks out, I started working out again, I am reaching out to friends and family and telling them how I have been with the up and down....and people are reaching out to me <3

I have had so many kind offers of love and suppor this last week and people saw me basically freak out. Even total strangers offered a hand. I feel truly greatful for the love I do have in life, even if at time I turn bat-shit crazy. Usually I just hide from the world in shame when this happens recognising it isn't healthy, but now I am facing them.

I have desensitised a HELL of a lot of triggers for me. Sexual ones pretty much 100% gone. A few still linger. Facial hair and men. Especially being kissed and facial hair and men.

Mostly though now its social situations.

I did go back and confront the man yesterday who was handsy on monday. I explained how I felt, why I shut down, why I freaked out, what I felt was appropriate to say and wasnt. And I said it calmly and evenly. I didnt need to retreat to cold and angry to protect myself. I could just say it. It was hard, it wasn't easy, and I am not sure what it means that I could actually do this now. But I think its a big step in the right direction.

Having this renter is another huge one for me that i am desensitising right now. Because a lot of my triggers involve men who live in the same home as me, i have largely chosen to live on my own or to live with females for my adult life. Especially romantic men in my life being hte problem area for me.

So, having my renter Felix I am going to call him, as he's here for another three months has been part of the reason for my minor brain breakdown.
I love having him here. Hes kind smart funny, friendly and a good person.
However I am definitely subconciously experience transferencing as my body reacclimates and creates new synapses that says I am safe living with a man. It's very difficult for me to rewrite over these old scripts, but I am putting up post it notes, and working very hard on talking down the anxiety when it happens instead of talking it up. But its truly been exhausting and if I had been working in that enviroment where I was constantly being triggered on top of it, I think I would have cracked by now. Its actually been a blessing I quit when I did so I could process all this and move foreward to a new healthier job. Which I am looking for, :D

So, that's where I am at right now. I feel...hopeful again. And I am getting out of my slump quicker and easier than I used to in the past. I have this weird time dissasocation thing that when I catastrophise i think its been happening FOREVER when actually its been happening like, 10 mins, or 1 day. And tomorrow or even an hour later I can change my mood by doing self care or different talks. I am working through this with my therapist. So anyway, thats my thoughts right now.

Hmm, I will get through this to a healthier place. I really will.