Living Truthfully Within

Signed myself up to therapy on Friday. Still crying daily.

Things are good with trans woman, Light. She held my while we talked about stuff, and we went to the art gallery in central. It was gorgeous.

I was the best part of my weekend. Only 14 hours sleep in four days. Pretty shattered.

Went to neighbours baby blessing. Very hard for me for multiple reasons. Got told I "get around " because of my dating life recently. Sigh. It was a close friend or I wouldn't have shared.
 
I think I am finally done crying for the moment and the emotional wave that hit me so hard has passed. It's left me wiped out, and I have a cold/sore throat. I also wasn't eating properly for a ocuple reasons.

1) I lost all interest in food, sex, etc.

2)I was trying to figure out if I could do a 24 hour fast to activate my HGH levels and do a workout at the same time. But holy cow that fucked with my brain. Future reference I will be doing these once a month, and NOT close to my period. It DID however work, as the following day after the 24 hour fast and weight training workout, I lost 2 pounds.

I am fairly close now to the weight I want to be, so I am focusing hard on that and education. I like how easy it is with light. I confirmed her as a girlfriend on my facebook status. We both are in a point in our life where we're starting from the ground up. She and I both don't have strong family connections, mine not from lack of love (I have my grandma and sister and brother and stepdad and great auntie..thats a lot of love!), but from distance. Hers from coming out at trans. I understand completely what its like to be having provlems with family and them accepting you. She is incredibly brave, and we just related. Plus shes happy and chirpy, and been seeing a therapist for two years, and we have a lot of relatable factors.

I told her about my desire to not be a hidden girlfriend. She felt the same way, all her previous girlfriends had hid her. Although a bit sooner than I expected, we both decided on the spot we both been through enough shit and just wanted simple and happy.

I can't talk in length yet about her, because I havent discussed my blog with her, and if she is ok with it. So thats basically all there is to report except that I feel like we are both in places of extreme vulnerability with the changes in our lives, and its nice to have each others back. Theres something freeing about dating a woman for me too.

Personally I have experienced no deeply hidden mysoginistic messages that I have to battle against. I feel GOOD inside myself, while dating, that is nice. I know thats my issue and not mens issue, or any males issue while I date, but its nice not to constantly have triggers and issues to worry about.

This is the first official girlfriend I have ever had. I have been sexual with women, and platonic with women, and had female crushes...but something about being with her confirms her, and it confirms me as a woman. We both like this aspect as its new for both of us. So far it feels very empowering. I even toyed with the idea of six months from now introducing her to my kids. That thought got abandoned in my mind with trip, and has not happened since Rocky in 2014. Kids have met my friends, but have not met any of the other lovers simply because I did not feel it was a healthy enough dynamic or secure enough to include them. And as far as my kids know I have been broken up with Rocky since march. Which is where I should have kept it. Ah well, live and learn.

Broke down and contacted both rocky and trip last night. I just reconfirmed why I am not with both in my brain. I can definitely stay away from Trip. Rocky is harder. Probably not a good idea to move in. Trying to figure out how to make my life here at this home work.

In a few days I will write a big long essay on where I am emotionaly and mentally with everything. But right now I am just tired, and need more rest, and to work on my education stuff.
 
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Feeling expressive today.

So ceroc. That is a medical mental and emotional health nessecity for me now.

I met Ria before hand and we had drinks. We're going to a jazz club next week together on next Monday as there is no ceroc at the venue we normally do!

I also saw Seth, and we sat and talked. Both of us were a bit under the weather but we danced about five times together which was fun! He's very sexy and I had more mental emotional space post purging rocky and trip out of my brain. But good grief it was those horrible gut wrenching soul shattering sobs that you just wonder when it will stop. I do feel a lot more on even keel now. It was way over due and I feel able to put that chapter completely behind me.
So Mr mamba Seth.. Mmm I think he is hot as fuck. Seriously I appreciate a well groomed well dressed man. And he walks like a panther, sleek and inner grace, yup even if we don't go there I enjoy watching him. Half the fun was watching him with other women ;)

Speaking of women, one of the female teachers asked me to dance..and there was so much dance chemistry between us...holy moly I realllllly liked dancing with her. And she was completely non plussed leading me to dance. she had beautiful exotic features. I know so cliché. She was definitely mixed race, between asain and caucasian and had gorgeous eyes that sparkled with mirth. Feel free to lambast me with being totally non pc at this moment in my endorphin fueled brain.

So Yup, ceroc gives me endorphins, good laughs, weight loss and I get to flirt hehe. Very cool, it helped me reconnect to my happy healthy inner self and my sexual side. Church isn't for me, but ceroc? Hell yes!
 
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I gently let down light that I can't be a GF right now.

Not because I dont fancy her, I do a LOT, but because I am just not in the headspace for anything serious with ANYONE.

Had a similar conversation with the actor friend who wants to have a relationship with me. I dont think I was clear enough so now I need to be clearer.

These are all fine things because...
I did my second session with therapist today.

Yay. :) This is good stuff and I am wiped out from it. I feel like I am finally learning healthy boundaries, assertiveness.

I went last night to my friends Ivy's house. I haven't seen her in almost a month and it was sooo good to catch up. :) I missed her friendship.

Mostly right now I am trying to build up positive people in my life who are healthy and moving in healthy directions. I get this is subjective. But basically no dramas. Not from me, or towards me, and mostly by my healthy assertiveness and boundaries.

Annoyed right now at Siren and Gale. They are having drama with a local network of people, whre Gale cheated. and because of this Siren didnt want me to be friends with a person from that network. She also kept me waiting three hours, so I missed meeting someone in the morning and had to reschedule my date yesterday. Not a happy Star.

So I am taking a big healthy step backwards from Siren. I am dumping my shit on my therapist. I am not alone, and I am working on BEING independant, healthy, and figuring out what I am choosing unhealthy people in my life. Althiugh I am also choosing healthy people. Ria is awesome, so is Ivy. So yay for those things.
 
So I am taking a big healthy step backwards from Siren. I am dumping my shit on my therapist. I am not alone, and I am working on BEING independant, healthy, and figuring out what I am choosing unhealthy people in my life. Althiugh I am also choosing healthy people. Ria is awesome, so is Ivy. So yay for those things.
Click to expand...

You are definitely not alone.

I wondered all day today why I chose such unhealthy people in my life today.

Crying is awful, but so necessary. I'm so sick of my own tears.

It's so wonderful you're so open here. Reading this stuff is very helpful and I thank you again.
 
@Poly Snow
Thanks for your kind words. Yes we need to look at if we are being assertive and enabling situations like this. Thats what I am working on anyway. Have been for awhile. I usually say sorry way too often.

Ok well, I am ready for my big update. Its taken this long. I have been in such a mental fog for days on end it feels like. I dont know how to describe it in any other way. I went completely shut off emotionally and mentally. I think I went through a breaking point in my emotional mental wellbeing.

I have been going through all the motions. I get up, I get dressed, I wash I brush my teeth, I eat healthy food, I take walks, I do my pilates, weight lifting, talking to the ladies on my support group for weightloss/healthy lifestyle on whatsapp. I also do things like study, play video games on my computer, talk to my great aunt daily right now, reach out to friends. I have been to friends houses quite a few times in the last few days/weeks. I have been taking a lot of me time with studying for my science course. Right now I am up to my eyeballs in the debate between conserving and not conserving the red grouse in the moors in UK.

I have been doing my dance class on mondays. I have seen Ria once a week, this week twice as I see her tomorrow. I have been there for my friends, and walked what seems like miles across london. And yet I still feel like I did all these things the last few weeks like I havent been present. Like I am watching myself doing these things. It's a bizzarre feeling.

My house is clean and I started to do some self love to it. I decided to stay where I am at and not move in with Rocky. Interestingly a pub opened up nearby a month ago and I am going to apply to work there as it's a 2 minute walk away. :)

I have decided to make tasks to complete around my home. Little mini accomplishable things for 2016. It's my goal to myself. The first one was a new hose for the shower head that hasnt been working since 2 weeks after I moved in, in 2012. LOL. It was a £5.00 buy. Why it took me three years to get..? No idea.

So things like that are now my priority. I also am budgeting and planning things in a very concise manner. My therapist and I are going to do a cost analysis of each decision to make, especially the one about moving, when, where, best options etc.

My first assignments from her to read and talk about it are these links:

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/02/25/building-assertiveness-in-4-steps/

So I have a lot on my plate right now and I am finding myself in the maze of life. I dont know where poly fits into all this. It is my lifestyle however right now I am just focused on healing me...and getting my life in order. One baby step at a time.

So here are some of the goals for 2016 around my house:

1) Buy painting supplies
a) radiator paint
b) dust sheets
c) rollers
d)extenders
e) Gloves (Check have these)
f) Edging brushes (Have these)
g) painters tape (Have some, will need more)
h) watch videos on how to paint as I have never done this before in a room. I have done this on my canvas,..but not a room!
I) Buy paint for one room at a time. Starting with living room white. (Wilkensons)
J) Ladder (only have step stool.)
k) Fill in holes on walls with poly fill/ plastic thingy thati cant remember name lol. I have these two things...

Am I missing anything on this list?

2) Buy frames (around 10 frames in total) for family pictures/ art prints
3) print off family pictures of girls and me, of Rocky, of family in america, etc.
4) Buy a chair for living room
5) Rent a floor steam cleaner
6)Buy some rugs for floor
7)Buy some new lightbulbs for all over house, need a plethora of these
8) Buy a lawn mower and strimmer/weedeater/hedger
9) new pillows for bed
10) Spare bed in spare room, to rent room out
11) Get oil painting back from Siren and Gales so put up in dining room.
12) Buy art print and frame for living room (lady in sunlight on usa art page- i know which one I mean)
13) Get a job to afford all these things :p
14) Buy Kettle bells (20 and 40 pounds ones) for weight training squats
15) Buy pillows and throw for living room
16) Duvet, cover, pillows and throw for spare room.
17) 3 x handles for doors (B and Q)
18) New towel rack for bathroom, buy and install
19) need new floor length mirror in bedroom, and second mirror bathroom
20) Replace handle on light switch in bathroom (5.00)
21) empty jewelry box and decopage it (Free.)
22) new table and chairs for dining room (At a charity store, around 20.00-60.00)
23) Send back equipment to ME people (free)
24) Fix the fence in front of house, add new fencing.
35)Plant plants in pots
36) New blinds for front living room
37)Curtain rod and curtains for bedroom (guest and mine)


My house has a lot of work needing to be done to it. But I am up to the task and quite excited about it actually. I am going to settle into here for a bit longer and really make it work for me. I am lucky to have this place and I love it to bits.


I have been texting regularly with Seth, sexy dancer man that he is. :) I invited him to my house when he gets back from his trip to visit family in his home country. I really like this guy. Theres osmething nice about how slowly and organically this is going. We have been talking for a month now and seeing each other once or twice a week. I think when he gets back I will be ready to do sexy things again. It will be a good step in the right direction, and I know that he is built amazingly. He's all lean muscle and no fat, with an amazing cock, and such a sexy sexy way about him. Ironically even knowing all that, we both stil lget incredibly nervous around each other. It's kind of cute. I am not ready to be in a long term relationship, but I make no demands of him or him of me, we just keep sending each other silly messages that make each other laugh.
Did I mention hes a doctor? Oh yes, pelase come exam me...
Hey I think I found my libido again :D
 
So I have a libido again! WOO HOO!

I took a page out of Atlantis handbook. I found a sexy OKCer who was interested in sex, we texted and flirted, he has a good sense of humour. He came over, and we had some good fun. Really good stuff!

Then he went home. I am chilling out in my bed, really glad we had sex. I was hoping we had sex again, but he kinda got freaked out after sex. I guess he's not used to casual. I understand I was there at one point.

But for me this is another landmark victory in the land of Starlight1. I orgasmed, it was good sex, it wasnt world spinning or mind blowing, but I enjoyed myself. We had good rapport, there was that "spark" missing for a relationship which is fine because I am not looking for that. I doubt I will hear from him ever again. He asked to spend the night then up and left lol. Poor guy. I guess I am too much to handle ;)

Anyway, I feel chilled out and happy. I so needed that. Almost as good as therapy. Yup. I don't regret my choices.

Edited to add he did contact me and says he wants to meet again in future. Woo hoo feeling good about the no strings sex partner. First time I have had one with out any exstentional crisis! I also dont feel used, or I am using him. IT was mutual fun. Like a hobby, a really fun hobby.
 
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I think I just realised something important about myself and dating.

I am polyamorous but I am not bdsm(y), goth, punk, or alternative in hardly any way at all.

I have never acknowledged this before.

I always felt like, if I were poly I would have to do those things because *Thats what everyone else was doing* when I started doing polyamory. Especially in the scene I am at.

But its nice to realise, I can wear my button down shirt and cashmere sweater, and still be poly. Thats ok too.

All the above is ok, but it does hinder my dating pool of poly people because something about a similarly-styled-well-dressed woman/man...oh yes.
(Not to say at all other styles fashions aren't "well dressed"! Just not part of the attraction factor me. For example...not turned on by kilts....)

Being poly and being single is ok.
Being poly and being goth is ok
Being poly and being trans or asexual or queer is ok.
Etc and so forth...

Being yourself is OK.

And besides the fact I don't want a serious relationship, I realised I can't date people who dress childishly/teenagerish. I can be friendly, I can be friends with them, I can love them to bits, but I like dressing my style, and I like being in a relationship with people who like to dress in a similar style.

I am sure most people figure this out as teenagers, but here I am figuring it out.

And figuring out I have a style, and thats ok. I am rocker classy chick. Think charlies angels, not hells angels.
 
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starlight1 said:
I am polyamorous but I am not bdsm(y), goth, punk, or alternative in hardly any way at all.

I have never acknowledged this before.

I always felt like, if I were poly I would have to do those things because *Thats what everyone else was doing* when I started doing polyamory. Especially in the scene I am at.

But its nice to realise, I can wear my button down shirt and cashmere sweater, and still be poly. Thats ok too....
Click to expand...

I think that you hit on something here that is important to acknowledge. When I was looking for an online community to join regarding my situation it was suggested to me to try FetLife. Nothing against kink but I was resistant because I don't consider myself particularly kinky - at all.

In my mind the stuff that I like is just "regular stuff" except I enjoy it with more than one person (albeit, sometimes at the same time:p). I may not be "conventional" but I AM pretty "vanilla"...and that is OK.:rolleyes:
 
So I have some surprisingly good news.

I went on a fantabulous date today!

And I realised some important stuff.

I am now ready to talk about why Trip and I ended. He cheated.

I am also ready to say, Rocky treated me badly, even cruely with his indifference and flip/flopping lack of commitment. That hurt a lot. But I should have left ages ago and walked away. I wasnt ready. Prepared me for the trip thing however.

OK SO healing from those shitty situations.

I had an amazing date with...
And attractive, kind, funny, intelligent, sane, highly sexed Scottish person today, who is a linguist. (Thinking of you Mags. I send the vest best hopes your way, that you find a keeper too HUGS. You make laugh on your blog.) Very very interesting first date with OKC. We were chatting for two days, then met up today, spent 6 hours together. He lives a bit away (1.5 hour) but it was so amazing. We had sooo much chemistry. It was insane. And I felt REALLY comfortable with him. He seemed a bit blown away by me and he's outside of my normal age range (44) But I rather like him. I think I will name him... Lark, for his language love. He can't sing, but listening to the cadence of his voice and accent is good enough for me. ;)

He and I are both tactile, and visual people, and we love to dress up. Lots of similarities and things. We swapped stories about dating and sexual experiences, he's to see where this goes, while we both pursue others. Lets see how that works. I am nervous though because I feel like this is my first, adult on equal terms thing. Rocky and Trip were like training wheels, and both were quite childish in their own ways. Mostly in the emotional/love arena. This man is definitely experienced. He's married and his wife doesn't have a libido, and since she and he spent years trying to get around the issue (including trying open relationship) and it didnt work, they have decided to amicably split.

I think after this I am going to do a similar reverie thing and do a cast of characters ;) It just makes more sense.

I really wanted to have sex with him, but I know I need to personally at this stage go slow, but we did make out and had a bit of foreplay, which was fun. Definitely having sex next time. Interesting to see if he turns out his actions match up with all the positive things he says and does today over the long term. I am still hopeful besides my past learning experiences for 2015 in love. I needed them to be where I am at now.

Oh another interesting fact, had a convo with trip and he said he didnt recognise me on text and phone the last we time we talked. I told him thats because I grew a spine and said it how I actually feel it and mean it. LOL
 
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Cast of Characters:

Starlight1- 33/F/bi/Poly That's me!

Rosebud and Shooting Star- My kids

Ivy- 33/f/straight/poly -Friend since march 2015, part of local poly network, potential love interest that fizzled when she realised shes not bi.

Grayson- 35/m/straight/poly -Ivy's partner, aquaintance

Siren- 40/f/straight/mono - Poly in past, local friend since 2012

Gale- 42/M/bi/poly living mono- Poly in past, Sirens partner and used to be friends until awkward because of him wanting to open to poly again and her not. Now just distant friends.

Ria- 30/f/pan/mono (poly curious)- Friend from ceroc and bdsm meetup, known since april 2015

Seth- 35/m/straight/poly-ish - Met at Ceroc in November, been on a few dates, open and seeing other people. Really like him! He's a good person.

Liam- 49/M/straight/poly - Previously reffered to as Acton. Close Friends from March 2015, we do photography and movies together part of local poly network.

Irishcoffee- 29/m/heteroflexible/poly - Friends from March 2015, used to be FWB until September 2015, and now just platonic. Part of local poly network.

Trip- 30/m/heteroflexible/poly - Met June 2015, Dated until November 2015. Now only loose friends/acquaintances.

P- ?/f/bi/poly-ish (Mono at the moment)- Trips partner and Text friend only.

Light- 33/f/trans MtoF/Mono - Went on two dates, briefly in November 2015. Now Facebook friends.

Rocky- 31/m/straight/mono - Ex boyfriend, dated March 2014 - November 2015 on and off. Started mono, then poly. Friends.

Lark- 44/m/straight/mono-ish - open casual dating. Met Dec. 2015.

B- 60/f/straight/mono - neighbour and best friend, since 2012.
 
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Well Peeps
I have solidly good news!

I applied for a job, and I got a trial run this week. I start thursday from 10-3. I am going to put my best foot forward and try my best. I am going to give it my all!! I am so super excited. I was so nervouse about applying, and yet it was super easy.

I feel very confident that I can do this, I can stay here, I can keep this home, I can work, I can make that large leap off benefits to work, which actually has been a series of a lot of small steps, and prove myself. I CAN.

And therpay has been so good for me. Not moving in with Rocky has been good for me. Settling down and committing to the best version of me and my life and my girls has been good for me. Dating casually and not seriously, has been good for me.

I had another date on Sunday with a man I might need to give a ame. Not sure. We'll see. We had a really good time, hes fine with my poly-ness. Actually everyone I have been on dates with recently have been surprisingly cool with this fact. :) I am unapologetically me. And speaking of unapologetic, I have started to say "Thank you for.." about osmething about me, instead of "Sorry for being..." About something about me. for example, instead of apologising for the state of my house my therapist has me saying thank you for accepting me and my home as it is.
Or thank you for waiting for me being late. Or thank you for the compliment.

I am doing some serious work on self worth.

My homework/essay is due on thursday, I am not done yet, eep. I need to revise a few more times.

So, wow, things are sure up and down for me right now. But I am doing my best right now to keep going foreward one step a time. I am still logging my food diary, still exercising, now working, doing education, still seeing my kiddos. Life is good. So good.

Then monday I went to an appointment and missed my train so I had to reschedule, and that night I had a bit of a cold but I still went up to central london and saw my friend Ria. So nice to reconnect. I am staying so busy lately. She is such a good friend.

We had a fascinating conversation about labels vs no labels.
I was explaining how I find labels to be super important and she said actions were more important than labels. She said wih labels people automatically judge and she likes to live in aplace where she doesnt state either/or and let people get to know her for her without labels, and to read the book without having a pre-judgement about someone else.

I understood her point of view but for me, labels are the identification of how to address yourself to other people, how people can have terms to understand. So we agreed to disagree, but I really did my best to understand her point of view so much. We talked about wearing dildos and our reactions to have a penis. We both laughs and agreed we felt like 1st class citizens when we wore them. But what was interesting was she felt like she wanted to keep one, and I felt relief after it was off, fun for a time, but I fucking love being a woman.

We talked about ourselves and gender roles, and enjoyed hanging out in an american diner, as the jazz club was closed for some weird reason? It felt like a citcom from the 40'/50 seeing as we usually do modern jive together and we were sitting with milk shakes talking and laughing. We both agreed to be friends and our goal was to have a whole group of friends to join us on these shake nights and modern jive nights. She invited me to a chinese hot pot dinner party in februray. How fun!

I am still trying to build my tribe of awesome people. :) Hopefully soon!
 
starlight1 said:
Cast of Characters:

Starlight1- 33/F/bi/Poly That's me!

Rosebud and Shooting Star- My kids

Ivy- 33/f/straight/poly -Friend since march 2015, part of local poly network, potential love interest that fizzled when she realised shes not bi.

Grayson- 35/m/straight/poly -Ivy's partner, aquaintance

Siren- 40/f/straight/mono - Poly in past, local friend since 2012

Gale- 42/M/bi/poly living mono- Poly in past, Sirens partner and used to be friends until awkward because of him wanting to open to poly again and her not. Now just distant friends.

Ria- 30/f/pan/mono (poly curious)- Friend from ceroc and bdsm meetup, known since april 2015

Seth- 35/m/straight/poly-ish - Met at Ceroc in November, been on a few dates, open and seeing other people. Really like him! He's a good person.

Liam- 49/M/straight/poly - Previously reffered to as Acton. Close Friends from March 2015, we do photography and movies together part of local poly network.

Irishcoffee- 29/m/heteroflexible/poly - Friends from March 2015, used to be FWB until September 2015, and now just platonic. Part of local poly network.

Trip- 30/m/heteroflexible/poly - Met June 2015, Dated until November 2015. Now only loose friends/acquaintances.

P- ?/f/bi/poly-ish (Mono at the moment)- Trips partner and Text friend only.

Light- 33/f/trans MtoF/Mono - Went on two dates, briefly in November 2015. Now Facebook friends.

Rocky- 31/m/straight/mono - Ex boyfriend, dated March 2014 - November 2015 on and off. Started mono, then poly. Friends.

Lark- 44/m/straight/mono-ish - open casual dating. Met Dec. 2015.

B- 60/f/straight/mono - neighbour and best friend, since 2012.
Click to expand...



Edited to LOL at myself. I put myself as 33. Erm. I am 30. Yeah. Just sayin.

LOL. Of all the errors on this, that is the one I didn't see. Ah well. :D
 
Rocky came over last night.

We had a long chat. But I am tired of words. I had sex with him. I am mad about it. I am happy I did at the time, and this morning I didn't mind. And we went to breakfast, and it was like he was trying ot make everything ok. He said he wanted to work on the things like, inviting me to stuff, introducing me to his parents.

But strangely. I dont want any of that now. I dont want to be his family. I dont want to meet his parents. I dont want to go to xmas with him. I dont want him in my life right now. I feel really gross now having had sex with him.

Not gross because I feel I was dirty wanting casual sex. But becuase I know he duped me with words, and his actions have consistently been something else. I want more. I want more than what he can offer. He cannot offer me stability. He cannot offer me what I want, and he's trying now because he knows I am ready to never talk to him again. But for me its too little too late. I Dont want it.

Maybe that will change tomorrow. But I got my life together now. I have work, I have education, I have my kids. His actions werent hey Star I can help when you need it. It was, hey star I am going with all my friends tomorrow to see Starwars, but you arent invited. He didnt say that, but its how it goes with him. I am resentful of him majorly. I am still so angry. I don't even know how to go there about this and be rational. He touched me, and I felt his openness, his caring. But i touched him back and explained it rationally. Look its not there. Its broken, on my end I cannot access cannot find and dont want to, the emotion that was me caring for you. I know what happens when I do that, I get hurt. Fuck.

:mad::mad::mad:

And I am angry at me for having sex with him, for agreeing to less than i deserve. I deserve to be treated with respect.
 
Eh, a moment of weakness for an ex. He is your ex. It's too little too late. I'd recommend going no contact with him for a good couple of months.

Your Scot sounds great. A linguist? My current beau Punk has lived in France and is fluent in French (oddly miss pixi also lived in France for 4 years and is fluent). But it's Punk's cunning-linguist skill I appreciate more. ;) :p

Thanks for the well wishes for a "keeper." It seems Punk is, for the foreseeable future anyway, and that's good enough!
 
Thank You Mags. :) I was upset in the moment but I had a great night after that. I spoke to someone online very intriguing.
Then spent time with friends on phone.

And I went to work this morning, trial day, which I think was successful! By halfway through training I stopped shadowing and started doing tables by myself. (On my own initiative. Which my assistant manager loved!) Little tables but tables. I also found the computer system pretty straight foreward. Too many inefficient waiting staff, but fun people. And then me floating through things. Flitting here to there, doing odd jobs and detail attention others were too sloppy to notice, or just were too busy gossiping or whatever. It was busy, lots of tables, lots of pre-booking but the kitchen staff are SUPER slow. I certainly dont take my work for granted. I remember living in america, and how my life, health, everything depended on it. The same is true here to some(most) extent. My education and helping my girls depends on me learning the skills here. I want to be a manager. I want to be a leader. I need to learn to step up to the table. To be proactive.:D:D Those manager skills will cross over nicely into a job with my education. So...many things to learn over here and I am a sponge soaking it in.
 
I got the job! I will be working Monday and Xmas, and then after that regularly scheduled in full time. Until then I am doing as much of block two as I can so I am actually ahead of schedule of my education, even now on a Saturday I am in the library studying. I have learned I need to turn my phone off when I study!

I went for coffee today with a potential friend named Don on here. I know he will be part of my life regularly because he's local and shares many ideals. We're both bi, both curious intellectuals, but nerdy/workaholics, but outgoing and introverted, he leans more towards introvert, plus he totally reminds me of my best friend from Home city when I was a teen. Seriously they could be doppelgängers and they have similar kind eyes. I felt easy and happy around him.

There's also a kindness, something about him that reminds me of kinship. Not sure how to explain that.

I could see him being part of my friend tribe. :)

Anyway, I am meeting up with potential hot stud for raucous naughty sex. We shall see. Also my team leader texted me making jokes about all the men being on top, she is totally lesbian. I love it, there's definitely an instant curiosity from me to get to know her as a friend and work colleague. :)

I feel I have made such healthy strides this last month. I am doing all my Xmas cards this week. Saw Liam last night till really late. He helped me put up the tree, and I consoled him about his break up. He asked where we stood, I didn't want to there right then , timing, but I said I saw us a s friends only. He did stand me up the other day and I wasn't happy about that.

But we're on good terms now!
Ria and I are off to Ceroc tonight.

There's so much more going on but right now I don't have internet at my home so I am at the library with limited time to post as I need to go home and get some work done before Ceroc.

I won't be seeing Lark until January. But we have been sexy chatting. He very much appreciates the effort I go to with my clothes ;) it's wonderful.

I am really happy being single at this time though, and I am still working with my therapist. Yay. Life is really good. Can't believe I bagged the job, so exciting over here.
 
Over at atlantis' blog she worte this:
Jay. Spiritual, calm, much happier than he has been. He said he was glad I had changed my mind about dumping him. I said he is still dumped in my mind. we meet, talk and fuck.
Click to expand...

This is so true of me and Rocky right now. Although I heard him on the phone yesterday to his best friend, not intentionally, I was on the phone with my aunt the same time he walked in on his phone with best friend.

It comforted me a lot so I want to write what I overheard. He told best friend, he sees me, its none of his business, he was insisting he can make time for him, but I saw how he didnt schedule anything with him in firm plans. That he agreed he was sorry he had only seen him twice in the last month, and that he just hass other more pressing things to do right now.

I saw that his friendship with this man, although important to him, and have been friends since 12, was in no way a threat to me or what I offer to Rocky and now Rocky is finally getting the fact that if he doesnt prioritise me, he doesnt get me, full stop. I told him the way to my heart is through google calendar. We agreed to set it up, thats happening tomorrow.

So I spent friday ceroc dancing with ria until midnigt, then from 2 am at Rocky's. I told him basically what Atlantis said. He's my ex, hes my best friend, but we're basically fuck buddies now. LOL And that he no longer occupies the title of bf in my brain. In a way this is freeing, because on some level I was believing I had to be saved by a man. His constant no, and then my refusal to live wih him, to schedule work on Xmas, and to not put up with things unless they changed has worked. He doesnt want to give up the the perks. I said, well then, schedule me in, and when you addreess me to people, dont label it at all, just introduce me as [Starlight1].

Speaking of Ceroc, I had the most amazing time! I danced with tons of a different people, but one man in particular, danced SO well. He spun me, and lifted me, and dipped me, and did this whole hold me underneath shoulder and drag my feet across floor. It was so effortless to dance with him, he was such a good lead and knew all the steps. I totally get my 1950s female tropes out in one night, to go back into the world as a kick ass woman. LOL I guess this is what BDSM is for some people? But I do love to dance with a man who has moves. Mmmhmm! And he was italian and nice to look at and a lot of fun!!

AH lifting! I told Rocky I got lifted on friday night, and he picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. Holy fuck that was hot. I have never done that in my adult life, and neither had he. I tend to complain a lot about the negative things on here, so I want to say, one of the perks that makes it difficult is how kind he is to me. I know it should be standard that men treat women with respect equality and kindness, but hes the first to consistently do it. And yes I know prioritising me as little as he did wasnt respectful, but that was the only area he did that in.
In terms of just holding me, not pressuing me for sex (I totally started this weekend calling him up and saying I wanted a booty call :p)
rubbing my head while I lay on his lap and we sit in comfortable silence.
He takes me out to eat, takes me on vacations, lets me have a aset of keys, buys me stuff anytime I want it, listened to me hours on the phone, has amazing love making skills which have vastly improved in the last 2 months since being home. Yup, I have raised the bar and he has met it. And in a way, the way hes danced away from traditional nesting roles has allowed me time to face my own demons of being alone, and he never questions or gets upset that I am with other men, he doesnt make demands on me to be completely with him only, or to have kids with him, or that if I wanted to get rid of unintended pregnancy. He would be ok with it. We finally had that talk.

I also rolled around in my mind the things Ria and I talked about via labels. It helped a lot in understand Rocky's view on this. I understood he simply didnt want to choose me because it would have been a harder road with his family to get involved with the family business and if anything is his first priority his relationship with his immediate family, and the family business is it. I realised I wasnt the only one who had issues with his communication and scheduling and his desire for freedom...I understood that and became comfortable with his role in my life, who is simply: Rocky.

He also explained why he didnt introduce me sooner, besides the priorities, he was ashamed of his family. That he didnt have what I had. And yes my family are explosive and argumentative and hot headed, but we DO talk through things, we do express things, we do have opinions of our own, and nothing is shoved under a rug. I had closeness with those in my life that he felt he didnt. We both really had idealised versions of eachs others family. His family was docile and quiet, never speaking up or speaking out, never making waves, always telling Rocky to be quiet and still, to be controlled and measured, this is the way things are. Dont rock the boat.

I understood this, being female, how many times had I told I was too bitchy? Too loud? To "much".

I also peeked around his place, and found many things of me there I hadnt previously realised. My journal, a cord from one of my phones, a spare toothbrush, an idea for a book we had written together awhile back, a whole category on his computer, thats dedicated to me, with pictures of me the girls, our trips...seeing this over the last 1.5 years and I saw such a big impact we had made on each other. And continued to do good things for each other. I had nothing to worry about with best friend, and I no longer felt threatened or afraid. I also didnt worry about what I mean to him, because it was all laround me without words. Without labels. We kept circling back to each other. So what did it matter in the end, what he said, if his eyes shown with love, if he suggesting keeping an overnight bag there of my toiletries and makeup?

I could see us carrying on in this fashion for sometime. And we both took a collective sigh. He appologised for taking me for granted. And his unconcious actions, putting me first before best friend. That meant a lot. He did that without my prompting, he just did it. I was proud.

God sometimes, relationships are like little children, we have to learn, relearn, the same lessons, even I do, and I am not perfect. But I find comfort many times being around him, and he feels the same with me.

He's still my EX. If I find someone else, well, that works too. But I think work and education and kids and friends will take up the majority of my time, and thats ok.
 
Happy Early Xmas!

Today I have my kids over, we're having cream cheese cookies, playing on the WII, playing board games and other things. It will be nice.

I worked yesterday and they booked me in a few more days this week,- so picking up hours so I am not desperately poor next month! LOL

Rocky is coming by in the evening on xmas day, as I work an 8 hour shift in the daytime. He came by yesterday and we had dinner out, then he spent the night until 5 am. He usually leaves at odd hours because then he avoids traffic getting to and from his place. He's done that since I've known him, its our normal. Means I get a few hours snore free sleep time ;) lol

I am settling into this being OK with him around in my life preferally long term. Hearing him verbally stand up for me with his friend was long over do. Why do men learn so slowly? I had this conversation with my neighbor friend, who has been married 20 odd years. I love that woman to bits :) Shes a great person. I should visit more often. I Was stopping by with some xmas gifts, and she had some for the girls. That was sweet. Her husband is recently part retired so their adjusting to him being around more, and its hard on ther relationship, evolving that way. It was nice she let me listen to her problems, and I got to be there for her.

My therapy is going well, I do phone sessions once a month, and the rest of the time is in text, as well as live chat sessions. I like it, it works. My pilates and weight loss is going well, I have slacked a little bit on the weight training...missed about two weeks so far with all the cardio I have been doing. But been pretty regular with pilates. Doing that every other day. It's nessecary for me to function, the weights are more a bonus, trying to add that in on the top as and when I can. Been hoverng at 154 for a few months, hopefully will have another drop here soon. :)

I will be hunkering down with both education and work for all of January. So if my posts are unrelated to poly, well thats why. I love being poly and I havent given it up, but right now I just dont have the time or inclination for any relationship. And if that changes with anyone I will let you all know. ;)
 
starlight1 said:
I will be hunkering down with both education and work for all of January. So if my posts are unrelated to poly, well thats why. I love being poly and I havent given it up, but right now I just dont have the time or inclination for any relationship. And if that changes with anyone I will let you all know. ;)
Click to expand...

I thought it was about life stories anyway? And besides, how we live our daily lives corresponds to how poly fits into our lives.

In other words, write away. I certainly enjoy the heck out of following it. Our lives are not all about our relationships...at least, I'm trying to move away from that ;)
 
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