I just finished reading a novel called "the womens room". I loved it!
It was hopeful, intelligent, made me think about men and womens roles, and why we fall into them and if we can ever really escape them, and how to me poly is a political movement and freedom from the oppression of men and women. I know in and of its self it doesnt do that, but it gives both men and women room and space to talk about the thinsg that define them, give them life and meaning and breathe, and the assumptions we make about one another.
That fury towards men the book talks about made me ponder, did I too hold this inside anger? This feeling that my uterus is not the property of other people, yet in my mind wanted the "american dream" of being a kept woman, somone who endlessly cooked and looked immaculate and did everything for everyone and was happy to have kids, at any point in my life, for any man who insisted?
Always with Rocky, its him wanting me to bend to his wishes, but lately I have sought to push back on this and make him question those assumptions.
I pondered thoughtfully, and will bring up later, why he assumed that I would have christmas dinner ready for him, when I had just finished an 8 hour shift and hadn't even had any time to myself, none the less to make food for him and me. Where in the day would I have had time to make it? I have rebelliously left the dishes undone for days, and made no ccomment on them when he came to my home. Done are the days I appologise for not being homely enough, house-wifey enough, etc etc. He may share in part my life, but I am his equal, but even with his most egallitarian views, they extend to other people, not the women in his sphere in his circle. Except me. I am a strong woman, and that can be an uphill battle asking the right questions getting him to see a point of view that has never applied to him.
we had a fascinating conversation where I did a guided visualisation, not conciously but just spoke about how if he had a womb, would he want to be propositioned all the time? If women fertilised and men carried, like the sea horse does. Would he do it? Would he risk his health, his body, his time, his career? He reluctantly admitted it would give him pause. Then I said, ad what if he had already done this, not once but twice, and every person he dated after that wanted to lay claim to his body, his right ohave kids, would he feel ever that he wanted more? And he goes, no, absolutely not.
But hten we backpedal when it comes to things like Star Wars
(((((((SPOILER ALERT))))))))
If you have not seen it yet, please stop reading
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He said all the right things about Rhea, and I said I thought it was amazing star wars had a female lead, how wonderful for a franchise, and I realise that it wasn't perfect. But it did this right. It showed women more than just concerned about men or relationships. It showed autonomy over her body. The right to be strong, and feminine. The right to be the lead, the right to be a jedi. That we are equal too. That was amazing. I know that in Avatar (the blue people) we had a strong female lead. But she was highly sexualised and secondary to the man in that film, in that even though she saved him, that movie did not pass the bechedel test, nor did it portray women as other than the dichotomy of "moral angel saint- think Mary or Mother Theresa" or as "Slut whore, she devil, ec" Where as we're presented with a whole automonmous woman in Star Wars. I was pleased about htat. A woman who took care of herself, who fought for her rights, who looked at a man who tried to save her and was like "huh?" That is needed in popular culture, that is needed in this world for women.
Love this film.
So anyway, Rockys opinion fell in line with all those things, but felt false and flat, it felt he was saying the thing I wanted to hear, not the thing he felt. I could feel the tension in his body as we were cuddling and talking, that some part of him, some piece in himself rebelled at the notion, of a strong and independant woman. Does every man feel this? Is this something conditioned or in DNA? Are there men out there who don't on some level feel superior to women? That we are equal? I wonder. Rocky comes close, but he fights against himself. And if they do, does it swing the other direction, is it always a power play in the minds of men, like men do to each other? There is the conquerers and conquered. The men who bully other men, or the men who less than other men? Is that the order of things? Will it always remain so?
Does it mean if men start to see women as equal, that we turn into women like on other popular dramas like Orange is the new black? Those who fight are either suppressed with power, and silenced, or rise and hate men? There is a head woman of the lichfield prison on there, that really does treat the men like dirt. I dont think thats an acccurate way for a woman to gain power. I know that dramas, are just that, fiction, or dramatised. But there are grains of truth...some more so than others. And its the things that my daughters, and other women will grow up watching, and on some level taking on board themselves. Not everyone analyses a film, so people watch in trances, and that can affect the subconcious massively.
I am not saying good women and men don't exist, or that all men are inherantly sexist. I am just saying...how can we bridge that gap? To stop the power struggle ? to increase understanding? And even between the good and best couples, how to do we stop seeing women as the ultimate homemakers, the breeders, the second class citizen of the world? I can barely think of myself outside of those terms, the first time in my adult life I am living on my own,(besides kids) making my decisions on my own, and being completely responsible for me. I am 30 and just now realising there is more to me than being a mother. But I go against the grain. Even now, even in this wonderful accepting 21st centruy world, I get told I "sleep around too much", and I am generally avoided by those who hold the coveted (in my local community anyway) titles of wife, mother, home maker. I don't covet that role, but I know it makes me different, and outside, people at hte pub I work with ask me endless streams of questions because they cant pin me down. I stand outside of, not in one box, unapologetically me, and I love all the people I am around. I understand their boxes and I am happy for them, and they are for the most part happy with them. I feel settled and happy in this home, in this job, in this life, and with the one on off lover /friend I do have. I feel..good.
But I wonder how much I am choosing this home, because it is expected of me to do so. To be the mother who has a home for myk ids to ocme to, to put them first. That is understandable..but what about my goals? What about university? Even with the kids with their dad, my decisions, my life, has ultimately been controlled by others. My mother, my ex husband, my kids. And I resent them. On some level, I resent the lack of freedom to live my life like men do. Men whose kids are gone, dont stay at the family home for their kids, tehy go and do their life, where ever that may be. And even with a wife and kids at home, they done nessecarily stay there. They arent judged by having kids, nor tied to them the same way women are expected to be. And Rocky wants me to do that again? Hell no. hell fucking no.
Maybe this post is too real for some of you. Maybe it hits at places soft and vulnerable in us all. It does for me.
People tell you having kids, automatically makes you motherly, makes you want to be that person. That wasnt the case for me, I love my kids, I feel a pull from them, a blinding light of love that I cannot seperate. The thing more pure and true than anything else in my life. I remember looking at their little faces when they were born, and being entranced for hours. But I also felt resentful as time went on, how their needs subsumed my own. How I became eradicated as a person, sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally..socially... So slowly over time I didnt even realise it, until one day, 7 years later I woke up, and went who the fuck am I?
