Living with partner and metamour

[orangeisthenewblack]

I'm a male in my late 20s and I have been seeing a women in her late 30s for the past year. I'm monogamous to her. She's polygamous with me and her husband. Her husband is also polygamous, but is currently not seeing anyone else. They don't have any kids. They live together in one big house and I live alone in my apartment. I've met the husband already, hung out a few times and we get along. Other than that, I've only spent time with my girlfriend. We spend our time at my apartment.

The problem is I live far away, and we don't get to see each other often because of the long drive. Now that we've been together for a year, we're having serious conversations about our future. She briefly mentioned that she would like for me to move in together with her and her husband. They have a big house, with four bedrooms. She says that I could move into a spare bedroom with a connected bathroom. She says her husband would be okay with that, and there's a lot of space where we could all get along, and it would make it easier for me and her to see each other every day. She only briefly mentioned this. We didn't get to talk much. I don't plan on moving in anytime soon, but I'm seriously considering it for the near future.

Has anyone else lived with their partner and metamour? What was the living situation like? What was the sleeping situation like? What were the boundaries? How did PDAs work? Would you show affection in front of the meta? Was making out allowed? How did the sex with the partner work? Was there a specific schedule, or did you go with the flow? If two of you wanted to have sex in the middle of the day, did you just do it while ignoring meta, or did you have to ask them for permission first? I plan on talking to my girlfriend about this, but I wanted to hear other success stories to see if this could work. Thanks.

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome! We have quite a few cohabiting members so someone should be along soon. In the meantime, have a flick through the blog section as we have members who blog about life in a cohabitating V.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm a male in my late 20s and I have been seeing a women in her late 30s for the past year. I'm monogamous to her. She's polygamous with me and her husband. Her husband is also polygamous, but is currently not seeing anyone else.

Hi and welcome,

Maybe you've never read any articles or books about polyamory, or spoken to other people who are polyamorous or are living in a V-type situation? Maybe we need to define the love style itself. The term polyamory means a dating arrangement where adults can romantically love multiple people with the joyful consent of all involved. Polygamy, on the other hand, is legal plural marriage. It is not legal in most parts of the world anymore, although it is practiced illegally by members of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, in the US and elsewhere, for example. (It can often be exploitive to women and young teenage girls, operating in a harmful cult environment, so the distinction is important.)

They don't have any kids. They live together in one big house and I live alone in my apartment. I've met the husband already, hung out a few times and we get along. Other than that, I've only spent time with my girlfriend. We spend our time at my apartment.

If you want to start cohabiting, it's great you get along with your metamour, but it's important to remember that you can like someone and get along okay, but not necessarily be good roommates or co-primaries sharing a home.

How experienced are your partner and her husband with polyamory? Have they had other poly live-in partners? Have they made mistakes, had success?

The problem is I live far away, and we don't get to see each other often because of the long drive. Now that we've been together for a year, we're having serious conversations about our future. She briefly mentioned that she would like for me to move in together with her and her husband.

If you're in a LDR, it's generally not recommended to move right in with the partner, in case it doesn't work out and you're left living with someone (in this case, two someones) with whom you aren't getting along, but you're on the lease and stuck there, with no other local friends and family, and maybe a new job you don't want to leave. A safer bet is to get your own place nearby, at least for a year, and see how regular "real life" dating works, first.

Remember, fantasy is one thing, reality is another.

They have a big house, with four bedrooms. She says that I could move into a spare bedroom with a connected bathroom. She says her husband would be okay with that, and there's a lot of space where we could all get along, and it would make it easier for me and her to see each other every day. She only briefly mentioned this. We didn't get to talk much. I don't plan on moving in anytime soon, but I'm seriously considering it for the near future.

It does sound like they have plenty of room, and I can see why this would sound tempting.

Has anyone else lived with their partner and metamour? What was the living situation like? What was the sleeping situation like?

Usually living together goes like any roommate situation. It's recommended for each partner to have their own room. It's also recommended you set up a sleeping-together schedule, like the shared partner alternating evenings/nights with her partners.

What were the boundaries? How did PDAs work?

That would be a personal decision based on your (plural) comfort levels.

Would you show affection in front of the meta? Was making out allowed?

Generally I think most people would keep anything beyond cuddling or a light kiss to the privacy of a bedroom, if the other partner were home.

How did the sex with the partner work? Was there a specific schedule, or did you go with the flow? If two of you wanted to have sex in the middle of the day, did you just do it while ignoring meta, or did you have to ask them for permission first?

You don't have to "ignore" a meta, or "get their permission," but for sex, or any other kind of romantic-date activity, you do need to give each other space. You might not want to be overhearing your gf and her husband having sex, and vice versa, so discretion is important.

On the other hand, some poly Vs do have at least occasional threeway sex. So YMMV.

"Being allowed," or "asking permission" wouldn't/shouldn't apply. There would be discussions, and agreements would be made, based on everyone's desires and comfort. And all agreements can be renegotiated as you go along, as trust builds, tastes change, etc.

It's important to know what your rights are as a "secondary" who might be moving to "co-primary" status.

More Than Two | Secondary’s Guide

I plan on talking to my girlfriend about this, but I wanted to hear other success stories to see if this could work. Thanks.

For more stories about how poly works, please check out our list of resources here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

You could start with the book Opening Up, which is based on interviews with hundreds of poly people. This book covers all the bases.

 

[Bobbi]

Since you are LD, maybe you can plan occasional weekends with them? Start easy with monthly. See how it goes and slowly add weekends if it's going okay.

Even that won't prepare you all for living together. It's very different being a guest vs actually being your home. But visiting can show any personality conflicts or big red flags.

But I do agree with Madelyn, get your own place first...rent a room elsewhere if an apt is too expensive. Living with a partner and meta is way more complicated than strangers you aren't involved with.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello orangeisthenewblack,

I share a home with my partner and my metamour. I have my own bedroom (with attached bath), and they have their own bedroom. We've been living this way for some 12 to 14 years, and it is working very well for us. Everyone is different, so we have our own unique setup. It sounds like you are headed in the same direction, I consider that a hopeful sign, given how difficult LDR's can be.

I sleep alone (well not alone but just with my cat), they sleep together in their room (with the two dogs). That setup works well for all of us. We're all somewhat older now, and none of us has any sex drive to speak of. So there is nothing to coordinate there. We had more boundaries in the early years of our V relationship. Nowadays we are more relaxed. I used to need lots of PDA's so that was an issue, now I am fine without PDA's but that doesn't mean we can't do them. I and my partner have always refrained from PDA's in front of my metamour, but in the past we've done group hugs. That's all I can think to tell you for now, if you have any more questions for me let me know.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

I'm a male in my late 20s and I have been seeing a women in her late 30s for the past year. I'm monogamous to her. She's polygamous with me and her husband. Her husband is also polygamous, but is currently not seeing anyone else. They don't have any kids. They live together in one big house and I live alone in my apartment. I've met the husband already, hung out a few times and we get along. Other than that, I've only spent time with my girlfriend. We spend our time at my apartment.

The problem is I live far away, and we don't get to see each other often because of the long drive. Now that we've been together for a year, we're having serious conversations about our future. She briefly mentioned that she would like for me to move in together with her and her husband. They have a big house, with four bedrooms. She says that I could move into a spare bedroom with a connected bathroom. She says her husband would be okay with that, and there's a lot of space where we could all get along, and it would make it easier for me and her to see each other every day. She only briefly mentioned this. We didn't get to talk much. I don't plan on moving in anytime soon, but I'm seriously considering it for the near future.

Has anyone else lived with their partner and metamour? What was the living situation like? What was the sleeping situation like? What were the boundaries? How did PDAs work? Would you show affection in front of the meta? Was making out allowed? How did the sex with the partner work? Was there a specific schedule, or did you go with the flow? If two of you wanted to have sex in the middle of the day, did you just do it while ignoring meta, or did you have to ask them for permission first? I plan on talking to my girlfriend about this, but I wanted to hear other success stories to see if this could work. Thanks.

I was in a similar situation for most of my marriage. My husband (Comte) and I got job offers on an Army post and would be moving halfway across the US. My bf (Bear) decided to move with us. Comte called it “The Great Polygamy Experiment”. He always had a witty, dry humor. Each of them had a bedroom and an office. We didn’t have a schedule, but I would sleep in both rooms. My work schedule more closely resembled Bear’s, so I would usually sleep there on work days. PDA was tasteful (kiss on the lips when leaving), for the most part. However, we had a pool and hot tub, so there were some times that one would see more than they wanted accidentally. We would try to take one-on-one trips every month or so for QT, even if it was just an overnight. We never made out in front of the other. I think I just wanted to minimize any jealousy.

I would suggest visiting for a few weekends before making a decision. You will need good communication skills with both of them, and at least a decent friendship between you and the husband, IMO.

 

[icesong]

I’ve been living with my meta for the past five years or so, although she’s about to move out - she decided she wanted her own place. Honestly, the things that made it not quite work were more roommate issues than anything polyamory related - in the long run, she and I needed different things out of our house and she didn’t ever really get along well with my son. We’re still friends - if anything I think we’ll probably get along better without those sources of tension.

I think every person having a separate space is important; not sure whether your partner and her husband share a room but I found things worked better once Knight and I got separate bedrooms. But we’re not a closed polycule at all and I have a partner over often so it’s a bit different.