LizziE Learning as She Goes
- Thread starter LizziE
- Start date
Not even slightly offended. She is. I wrote a whole post about it back in January:
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress...ll-and-under-the-desk-and-all-over-the-floor/
She kept it to the bedroom that was her main hang-out room, mostly. The only other place where she was a slob was in the kitchen, mainly because every week there'd be a day or two when she brought out all the mugs, dishes, cutlery, whatever that she left piled in the little bedroom every day. So the sink was frequently overflowing, and she was pretty crap about doing dishes. Though when we instituted a dish-washing rule that meant the sink was clear twice a week, it got manageable.
The other kitchen thing she did that drove me nuts is more a personal preference thing. I like to have my kitchen counter tops mostly clear. The coffee maker is there. The electric kettle. But we have a pantry, and I think the snacks/non-refrigerated stuff should go there.
Lora said if her food was in the pantry (her food that Jon and I were buying), she wouldn't remember she had it, so we kept a lot of snacks out on the counter top.
I know a lot of people do that, but it is a thing that bothers me.
Oh, and here's another good one. The silverware. We have a silverware drawer. But the place that she and Jon lived before was ultra modern, with almost no drawers in the kitchen area (big, stainless steel-fittings loft), so they kept the silverware in a fancy stainless steel basket on the counter. Lora asked if they could keep doing that, even though we have a silverware drawer because she was used to it and would forget where to look.
I said 'ok', because it's one of those things that, as a one-of, not a big deal. Except...seriously, you're going to FORGET where to find the silverware? Really?
Also, in regards to silverware, I found at least a dozen spoons under her desk and on it. Which explains why we were perpetually so low in spoons.
My take on it was that as long as it was confined to one room, fine. We're not all perfect. I've never been able to keep a perfectly clean house at all times. And at times when I'm feeling really emotionally fragile, sometimes I still do things like hoard my bed (lay things all over it until there is barely enough room for me to fit), because I remember living like that and it feels safe. It's like all the stuff crowds out all the negative emotions.
The kitchen stuff did drive me a little nuts at times. Broken glass aside though, I've lived with people who were much worse at keeping their mess out of the common rooms and tolerated it with love, because they were awesome people. It's one of those things for me where it's less of a huge deal, if the person is overall amazing, but if they're an awful human being, it's just another drop in the awful human being bucket.
The kitchen stuff did drive me a little nuts at times. Broken glass aside though, I've lived with people who were much worse at keeping their mess out of the common rooms and tolerated it with love, because they were awesome people. It's one of those things for me where it's less of a huge deal, if the person is overall amazing, but if they're an awful human being, it's just another drop in the awful human being bucket.
IndieSolo
Active member
I think you put up with enough of Lora's crap for quite some time, and end of August is too far off. What the hell? If I were you, I'd let him know you know he hasn't really set the record straight with her, and that just isn't acceptable. Hey, you sat down at the computer and were reading his emails before you realized what you were doing, and then you shut it down right away. But he has not been honest with either of you about this one point.
Tangential to what you're saying, nycindie, there was something that came up for me in therapy on Thursday, towards the end, that seemed pretty big.
I was talking about whether or not I should tell Jon that the day he broke up with Lora, I was coming home to tell him that I couldn't live there until she was gone.
Because Jon broke up with Lora, I never told him that.
It scares me to tell him now.
My therapist wanted me to explore why it was important to me to tell him, and why I was afraid to tell him. I told her it was because I'd promised him that I would stay until he did therapy to find out why he was having panic attacks at the idea of he and I not living together. I felt absolutely horrible about going back on that promise, but I also felt like...like if I tried to stay there, I was going to end up checking myself into a mental hospital.
I'm afraid that he'll be disappointed in me, if I tell him that I was going to go back on my promise. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed that I wasn't stronger. That I couldn't be there for him like I said I would.
I have repeatedly said to him, when telling him how bad things were getting for me, that I was sorry that I wasn't stronger. That I couldn't handle it better. That I couldn't be more. That I know that Lora is really suffering too, and I do feel compassion and pain for her suffering. I wish I could be a friend to her and help her. But she is too destructive and terrible for me to be around. She'd hurt Jon too much, and through Jon, me.
I've also, all this time, been edging around the idea that there is nothing wrong with Jon if he walks away from Lora. That it's too much, it's too hard, she's too abusive and shitty and demanding and terrible.
So on one hand, I'm telling him it's OK to walk away. That I've seen how hard he tried. That I can see him killing himself, trying to stay with Lora.
On the other hand, I kept trying to stay, even though it was hurting me. I keep saying that I'm so sorry that I'm not stronger. That I don't do better. That I should be able to handle more.
Two very big mixed messages.
I'm not saying that what I'm doing is making Jon do what he's doing. But it seems that, at the least, I need to acknowledge those messages. Maybe I should talk to him about the shame I was struggling with, at leaving until Lora was gone. Maybe if I talk to him about how I needed to make that decision to preserve me, so that I didn't end up in a mental hospital, it was ultimately for the good of all of us. Maybe just talking about being in such a mixed state of mind will help both of us.
I was talking about whether or not I should tell Jon that the day he broke up with Lora, I was coming home to tell him that I couldn't live there until she was gone.
Because Jon broke up with Lora, I never told him that.
It scares me to tell him now.
My therapist wanted me to explore why it was important to me to tell him, and why I was afraid to tell him. I told her it was because I'd promised him that I would stay until he did therapy to find out why he was having panic attacks at the idea of he and I not living together. I felt absolutely horrible about going back on that promise, but I also felt like...like if I tried to stay there, I was going to end up checking myself into a mental hospital.
I'm afraid that he'll be disappointed in me, if I tell him that I was going to go back on my promise. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed that I wasn't stronger. That I couldn't be there for him like I said I would.
I have repeatedly said to him, when telling him how bad things were getting for me, that I was sorry that I wasn't stronger. That I couldn't handle it better. That I couldn't be more. That I know that Lora is really suffering too, and I do feel compassion and pain for her suffering. I wish I could be a friend to her and help her. But she is too destructive and terrible for me to be around. She'd hurt Jon too much, and through Jon, me.
I've also, all this time, been edging around the idea that there is nothing wrong with Jon if he walks away from Lora. That it's too much, it's too hard, she's too abusive and shitty and demanding and terrible.
So on one hand, I'm telling him it's OK to walk away. That I've seen how hard he tried. That I can see him killing himself, trying to stay with Lora.
On the other hand, I kept trying to stay, even though it was hurting me. I keep saying that I'm so sorry that I'm not stronger. That I don't do better. That I should be able to handle more.
Two very big mixed messages.
I'm not saying that what I'm doing is making Jon do what he's doing. But it seems that, at the least, I need to acknowledge those messages. Maybe I should talk to him about the shame I was struggling with, at leaving until Lora was gone. Maybe if I talk to him about how I needed to make that decision to preserve me, so that I didn't end up in a mental hospital, it was ultimately for the good of all of us. Maybe just talking about being in such a mixed state of mind will help both of us.
Cut and pasted from my blog:
Jon and I talked yesterday evening about Lora's belongings and our general feelings. It was an illuminating talk that developed in a way that was somewhat relevant to exactly what we talked about.
Jon was in the bedroom gaming while I was in the living room reading. When I took a break to run to the bathroom, I also popped in to see him. I was originally planning on asking him when would be a good time to talk about Lora and therapy (I'd mentioned to him the prior day that I wanted to talk to him about both of those things, and he asked if we could do it on Sunday, which I agreed to). But when I approached him, he let me know that he and Lora were texting back and forth about her stuff, so that moment was actually a good time to talk.
I settled in and asked how the talk about her getting her stuff was going. He said it wasn't going well. She was saying to him that she still didn't feel ready to come take care of anything and suggested that she comes and starts cleaning/looking things over at the end of August/early September, when Jon and I are vacation.
Did we call this at a thing that could possibly happen? Oh yes, we did.
And who is surprised? I'm not surprised. Interestingly, Jon didn't appear surprised. Even more interestingly, Jon was not OK with that, even a little tiny bit. Jon also said that he was flat-out bothered by it, because he really wished it were all over and her stuff was already out and it was done. He just wants it to be over.
It looks like any fears that I've had about Jon and Lora getting back together any time in the near future can be laid firmly to rest. To hear his tone of voice...Jon is finally running out of patience with Lora. I kind of hate to say it (because it feels petty and vindictive to me) but I'm incredibly happy about this development.
So Jon was establishing to Lora that no, waiting until the end of next month does not work for him. Not one little bit. It's a no-go. Totally not going to work. He said he wasn't sure what to do if she said that she didn't think she could handle things before then. I said the following:
1) Given the improvements that I'm having in physical therapy, and my increased ability to actually do physical things, we can pick a day (before we leave on vacation) and let Lora know that all of her things will be packed up in boxes and out on the stoop by X time of day. I now have enough physical ability that Jon and I could together pack up her stuff into boxes, starting now. And then get up early on X day and cart it all down to the stoop.
2) While I do understand that the whole situation is hard for Lora to deal with, there were actually more feelings at play here than hers. Which is part of why leaving her stuff here for her to "start looking through" (!!!) at the end of next month is completely unacceptable to me. Jon said that he understood that. I said that I knew Jon understood that. But I wasn't actually sure if Lora understood that. Jon said "Chances are good that if you think Lora isn't thinking about other people's feelings or taking them into consideration, you're right".
I am so glad that I was sitting down for that statement. Because I've never heard Jon so bluntly and firmly make any kind of comment about Lora's inability to think beyond herself to the needs or feelings of other people.
It made my day.
Jon also told me that it was likely that he and Lora were going to meet somewhere for coffee on Tuesday, to talk things over, get a sense of closure (he hoped), and establish when her things would be removed from our home. We'll see how that goes. I think the forecast for Tuesday will be high on bullshit, with a series of shit-storms and closure located far beyond the horizon.
Moving on, while Jon and I were talking, he and Lora continued texting (which I was fine with). At one point Lora mustn't have been satisfied with texting, because she called. Jon sent the call to voicemail. She called again. He sent it to voicemail again. She called again. Jon muttered "Will you fuck off?", sent it to voicemail, then flipped his phone over so that we could finish our conversation in peace.
I did a little happy dance in my heart.
Not because he was ignoring Lora. But because he was finally, finally laying down firm boundaries and not allowing her to rule his life.
He did eventually call her to talk to her (after we finished talking). When that was over, he came out to give me a recap. He told me that she's freaking out, because it's "completely unfair" for us to force her to divide her things up, when she doesn't yet know if she's staying in our area and moving back in with her mom. Having her things back at her mom's is going to be "totally inconvenient" to her. Jon told me that he pointed out to Lora that if Lora currently feels like she cannot come back and go through her things while Jon and I are anywhere near here (this was news to me, but Lora seems to have decided that the ONLY time she can come deal with her stuff is when Jon and I are a thousand+ miles away, on vacation, and thus there is absolutely ZERO chance of her seeing us), then having her stuff here is actually less convenient than having it at her mom's. Her mom's home is a four hour bus ride away (whereas we're an hour bus ride away). But as she's currently unemployed (and refuses to come deal with her things while we're in this part of the country), having her things at her mom's would actually be more convenient, since there isn't any need to have people be in a different part of the country for her to go there and decide what she wants to have with her. And she has no job to stop her from going there whenever she wants.
I think that maybe Lora tried to up the ante of what her needs are in order to prolong things and lost that gamble spectacularly, because Jon is actually calling her bullshit and neatly outmaneuvered said bullshit.
I also think that now that Jon is getting time and distance from Lora, he's seeing more and more of her behavior as really unhealthy and unreasonable.
Another thing that I brought up when talking to Jon was the therapy revelations that I've had thus far - namely, the one about Lora screaming at Jon being strongly reminiscent of my mom screaming at my dad, and how hard that was to handle. He appreciated hearing that, because he did notice that there were things that I...we won't say overreacted to...but that I had a much stronger reaction to than seemed warranted, based on my reaction to similar circumstances that didn't have the same "female figure screaming at male figure" dynamic that occurred when he and Lora were having a disagreement. I told him that I wasn't disavowing ownership of my responsibility to be reasonable in any way, but acknowledging why their dynamic was extra loaded and triggery to me, when Lora got verbally or emotionally abusive. So my initial reaction may be extremely strong, but I would do my best to breathe through it and acknowledge that a lot of my pain is based off of past pain and try to work through that to come to a less emotionally-explosive place.
Jon and I talked yesterday evening about Lora's belongings and our general feelings. It was an illuminating talk that developed in a way that was somewhat relevant to exactly what we talked about.
Jon was in the bedroom gaming while I was in the living room reading. When I took a break to run to the bathroom, I also popped in to see him. I was originally planning on asking him when would be a good time to talk about Lora and therapy (I'd mentioned to him the prior day that I wanted to talk to him about both of those things, and he asked if we could do it on Sunday, which I agreed to). But when I approached him, he let me know that he and Lora were texting back and forth about her stuff, so that moment was actually a good time to talk.
I settled in and asked how the talk about her getting her stuff was going. He said it wasn't going well. She was saying to him that she still didn't feel ready to come take care of anything and suggested that she comes and starts cleaning/looking things over at the end of August/early September, when Jon and I are vacation.
Did we call this at a thing that could possibly happen? Oh yes, we did.
And who is surprised? I'm not surprised. Interestingly, Jon didn't appear surprised. Even more interestingly, Jon was not OK with that, even a little tiny bit. Jon also said that he was flat-out bothered by it, because he really wished it were all over and her stuff was already out and it was done. He just wants it to be over.
It looks like any fears that I've had about Jon and Lora getting back together any time in the near future can be laid firmly to rest. To hear his tone of voice...Jon is finally running out of patience with Lora. I kind of hate to say it (because it feels petty and vindictive to me) but I'm incredibly happy about this development.
So Jon was establishing to Lora that no, waiting until the end of next month does not work for him. Not one little bit. It's a no-go. Totally not going to work. He said he wasn't sure what to do if she said that she didn't think she could handle things before then. I said the following:
1) Given the improvements that I'm having in physical therapy, and my increased ability to actually do physical things, we can pick a day (before we leave on vacation) and let Lora know that all of her things will be packed up in boxes and out on the stoop by X time of day. I now have enough physical ability that Jon and I could together pack up her stuff into boxes, starting now. And then get up early on X day and cart it all down to the stoop.
2) While I do understand that the whole situation is hard for Lora to deal with, there were actually more feelings at play here than hers. Which is part of why leaving her stuff here for her to "start looking through" (!!!) at the end of next month is completely unacceptable to me. Jon said that he understood that. I said that I knew Jon understood that. But I wasn't actually sure if Lora understood that. Jon said "Chances are good that if you think Lora isn't thinking about other people's feelings or taking them into consideration, you're right".
I am so glad that I was sitting down for that statement. Because I've never heard Jon so bluntly and firmly make any kind of comment about Lora's inability to think beyond herself to the needs or feelings of other people.
It made my day.
Jon also told me that it was likely that he and Lora were going to meet somewhere for coffee on Tuesday, to talk things over, get a sense of closure (he hoped), and establish when her things would be removed from our home. We'll see how that goes. I think the forecast for Tuesday will be high on bullshit, with a series of shit-storms and closure located far beyond the horizon.
Moving on, while Jon and I were talking, he and Lora continued texting (which I was fine with). At one point Lora mustn't have been satisfied with texting, because she called. Jon sent the call to voicemail. She called again. He sent it to voicemail again. She called again. Jon muttered "Will you fuck off?", sent it to voicemail, then flipped his phone over so that we could finish our conversation in peace.
I did a little happy dance in my heart.
Not because he was ignoring Lora. But because he was finally, finally laying down firm boundaries and not allowing her to rule his life.
He did eventually call her to talk to her (after we finished talking). When that was over, he came out to give me a recap. He told me that she's freaking out, because it's "completely unfair" for us to force her to divide her things up, when she doesn't yet know if she's staying in our area and moving back in with her mom. Having her things back at her mom's is going to be "totally inconvenient" to her. Jon told me that he pointed out to Lora that if Lora currently feels like she cannot come back and go through her things while Jon and I are anywhere near here (this was news to me, but Lora seems to have decided that the ONLY time she can come deal with her stuff is when Jon and I are a thousand+ miles away, on vacation, and thus there is absolutely ZERO chance of her seeing us), then having her stuff here is actually less convenient than having it at her mom's. Her mom's home is a four hour bus ride away (whereas we're an hour bus ride away). But as she's currently unemployed (and refuses to come deal with her things while we're in this part of the country), having her things at her mom's would actually be more convenient, since there isn't any need to have people be in a different part of the country for her to go there and decide what she wants to have with her. And she has no job to stop her from going there whenever she wants.
I think that maybe Lora tried to up the ante of what her needs are in order to prolong things and lost that gamble spectacularly, because Jon is actually calling her bullshit and neatly outmaneuvered said bullshit.
I also think that now that Jon is getting time and distance from Lora, he's seeing more and more of her behavior as really unhealthy and unreasonable.
Another thing that I brought up when talking to Jon was the therapy revelations that I've had thus far - namely, the one about Lora screaming at Jon being strongly reminiscent of my mom screaming at my dad, and how hard that was to handle. He appreciated hearing that, because he did notice that there were things that I...we won't say overreacted to...but that I had a much stronger reaction to than seemed warranted, based on my reaction to similar circumstances that didn't have the same "female figure screaming at male figure" dynamic that occurred when he and Lora were having a disagreement. I told him that I wasn't disavowing ownership of my responsibility to be reasonable in any way, but acknowledging why their dynamic was extra loaded and triggery to me, when Lora got verbally or emotionally abusive. So my initial reaction may be extremely strong, but I would do my best to breathe through it and acknowledge that a lot of my pain is based off of past pain and try to work through that to come to a less emotionally-explosive place.
We also worked out that if I had things I wanted to share with him after therapy, it's fine to let him know, and then he'll decide if he's able to go there with me that night, or if he needs a day or two to ready himself. I told him that I didn't think any therapy progress would ever require something like me coming home and screaming at him (Because that's just not a thing that I do. Ever.), BUT there were times when I may learn things that it feels needful to share with him. He understand that and thinks it's a good thing, so long as he gets some say in when we have that post-therapy discussion.
I told him that if Lora ended up back in his life (and thus potentially a part of my life), I would need to pull of those kid gloves that I mentioned in a previous post. I told him how I do understand the need to be gentler with people who have had a lot of emotional trauma. But that I strongly felt at the end that Lora was using her past emotional trauma to avoid taking responsibility for the current emotional trauma that she was inflicting on Jon and me. And once someone starts to use past trauma as a carte blanche shield so that they aren't responsible for the emotional trauma that they are currently inflicting on other people, then all patience, compassion, and latitude cease.
Jon agreed with me that Lora was deliberately trying to skirt responsibility for her abusive behavior at the end. He also noticed the way that she was only willing to talk about her behavior on her terms, which were "Yes, I did a bad thing, but it's all in the past now. I'm not going to do it anymore, so it doesn't require any sort of discussion or even culpability, since it has passed and I'm not going to do it again". I think that for Jon - knowing that I was at my limit, and watching Lora carefully maneuver herself to not hear that I had hit my limit - seeing Lora do everything in her power to avoid responsibility for her behavior was a wake-up call. Especially since he knew that I needed (and wanted) to tell her that I was done, and that we couldn't live together anymore. It wasn't a game. It wasn't a negotiable thing. It was a thing I needed to be able to stay sane. And Jon knew (and Lora should have known) that literally all I wanted to say was that Lora and I couldn't live together (or have an emotional relationship) anymore. Which isn't to say that those are light things to say. But I wasn't demanding that they break up. I wasn't out to tell Lora that she was a horrible human being. I wasn't making any commentary on what I thought they should do. I was unable to continue to live together under the current circumstances. Period.
All I wanted to do was tell Lora what I needed, and get the wheels moving for that to happen. And Lora refused to give me that.
In the end, Jon gave me that when he broke up with Lora. And I am deeply grateful for that. Even though I would have gone with Lora and I no longer living together, but him staying in a relationship with both of us, if that was what he wanted.
I'm really, deeply glad that he hit his limit and finally realized that a relationship with Lora was going to continue to be abusive and unhealthy.
I'm glad that he and I are talking about that a bit. At last.
And I'm glad that he's holding firm with her that he things MUST be out by the time we leave on vacation. The end is in sight.
I told him that if Lora ended up back in his life (and thus potentially a part of my life), I would need to pull of those kid gloves that I mentioned in a previous post. I told him how I do understand the need to be gentler with people who have had a lot of emotional trauma. But that I strongly felt at the end that Lora was using her past emotional trauma to avoid taking responsibility for the current emotional trauma that she was inflicting on Jon and me. And once someone starts to use past trauma as a carte blanche shield so that they aren't responsible for the emotional trauma that they are currently inflicting on other people, then all patience, compassion, and latitude cease.
Jon agreed with me that Lora was deliberately trying to skirt responsibility for her abusive behavior at the end. He also noticed the way that she was only willing to talk about her behavior on her terms, which were "Yes, I did a bad thing, but it's all in the past now. I'm not going to do it anymore, so it doesn't require any sort of discussion or even culpability, since it has passed and I'm not going to do it again". I think that for Jon - knowing that I was at my limit, and watching Lora carefully maneuver herself to not hear that I had hit my limit - seeing Lora do everything in her power to avoid responsibility for her behavior was a wake-up call. Especially since he knew that I needed (and wanted) to tell her that I was done, and that we couldn't live together anymore. It wasn't a game. It wasn't a negotiable thing. It was a thing I needed to be able to stay sane. And Jon knew (and Lora should have known) that literally all I wanted to say was that Lora and I couldn't live together (or have an emotional relationship) anymore. Which isn't to say that those are light things to say. But I wasn't demanding that they break up. I wasn't out to tell Lora that she was a horrible human being. I wasn't making any commentary on what I thought they should do. I was unable to continue to live together under the current circumstances. Period.
All I wanted to do was tell Lora what I needed, and get the wheels moving for that to happen. And Lora refused to give me that.
In the end, Jon gave me that when he broke up with Lora. And I am deeply grateful for that. Even though I would have gone with Lora and I no longer living together, but him staying in a relationship with both of us, if that was what he wanted.
I'm really, deeply glad that he hit his limit and finally realized that a relationship with Lora was going to continue to be abusive and unhealthy.
I'm glad that he and I are talking about that a bit. At last.
And I'm glad that he's holding firm with her that he things MUST be out by the time we leave on vacation. The end is in sight.
reflections
New member
Glad to hear that you and Jon are finally on the same page. Bet that feels great. 
And glad to hear that your physical therapy is going well!
And glad to hear that your physical therapy is going well!
Thank you. It does feel really great. And it feels great to...ok, I don't want Lora to feel shitty. I genuinely feel bad that she is suffering. But I also feel strongly that the only person who can make that better is Lora herself, by starting to take responsibility for herself and her feelings and her life.
What feels great is that after Jon got off the phone with her, he was utterly exasperated. Not heartbroken, not feeling guilty or responsible or like he was a terrible person, but just completely seeing through her BS and treating it like the BS that it is.
What feels great is that after Jon got off the phone with her, he was utterly exasperated. Not heartbroken, not feeling guilty or responsible or like he was a terrible person, but just completely seeing through her BS and treating it like the BS that it is.
This is lazy of me, but work has been kicking my ass. The best place for a full update would be my blog.
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/it-wasnt-nearly-as-bad-as-i-thought/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/09/developments/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/im-doing-my-best-here/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/nightmares/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/12/a-date-has-been-set/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/12/guess-who/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/13/the-best-answer-i-could-have-possibly-gotten/
Long story short, a date (next Friday) has been set for Lora and her mom to come get her stuff. I had a lot of anxiety, because that's the last weekend before we leave on our vacation, and if "something" comes up and Lora and her mom can't make it, then her stuff would stay while we're gone, and be waiting when we get back. Jon and I talked, and he told me that if ANYTHING goes wrong with this Friday plan, he's renting a van Saturday and driving her stuff to her mom's whether she likes it or not.
The only other thing that would be left, if Jon had to take her stuff to her mom's himself, would be getting the keys. Hopefully, it won't come to that happening, but if it did, I've considered the idea of asking Jon if he'd tell Lora that the next time they see each other, she MUST give up her keys.
Hopefully, that won't be an issue at all.
In the meantime, knowing that no matter what, her stuff will go out before we leave for vacation is a huge relief to me. Since Jon and I talked it over, I have felt so much better, I can't even describe it. Everything feels relaxed and ok and manageable. I'm so much happier.
I'll be even happier when her stuff is actually gone, but now I finally, completely BELIEVE it will be gone, and KNOW when it will be gone by, and that is a huge thing.
We'll see how things go from here; hopefully they'll mostly go up!
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/it-wasnt-nearly-as-bad-as-i-thought/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/09/developments/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/im-doing-my-best-here/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/nightmares/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/12/a-date-has-been-set/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/12/guess-who/
https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/08/13/the-best-answer-i-could-have-possibly-gotten/
Long story short, a date (next Friday) has been set for Lora and her mom to come get her stuff. I had a lot of anxiety, because that's the last weekend before we leave on our vacation, and if "something" comes up and Lora and her mom can't make it, then her stuff would stay while we're gone, and be waiting when we get back. Jon and I talked, and he told me that if ANYTHING goes wrong with this Friday plan, he's renting a van Saturday and driving her stuff to her mom's whether she likes it or not.
The only other thing that would be left, if Jon had to take her stuff to her mom's himself, would be getting the keys. Hopefully, it won't come to that happening, but if it did, I've considered the idea of asking Jon if he'd tell Lora that the next time they see each other, she MUST give up her keys.
Hopefully, that won't be an issue at all.
In the meantime, knowing that no matter what, her stuff will go out before we leave for vacation is a huge relief to me. Since Jon and I talked it over, I have felt so much better, I can't even describe it. Everything feels relaxed and ok and manageable. I'm so much happier.
I'll be even happier when her stuff is actually gone, but now I finally, completely BELIEVE it will be gone, and KNOW when it will be gone by, and that is a huge thing.
We'll see how things go from here; hopefully they'll mostly go up!
As I type, Jon is moving things outside. He and Lora are going to move stuff to a storage unit for her today (the full details of that are on my blog). Poor guy was up at 5am, unable to sleep from the stress of it. I think he's anticipating Lora doing a lot of freaking out. Given the freaking out she did because she had to choose a storage unit, contact people, and start a contract, I can see why he's worried that today is going to be emotionally intensive.
I plan on texting him lots of "I love yous" today. I also told him he can call me whenever he wants, if he needs a few minutes to vent, or just wants to talk.
I can hardly wait to get the "It's done" text from him.
Soooooooooo close to over! Twelve hours, hell, six hours from now, it should be done!
I plan on texting him lots of "I love yous" today. I also told him he can call me whenever he wants, if he needs a few minutes to vent, or just wants to talk.
I can hardly wait to get the "It's done" text from him.
Soooooooooo close to over! Twelve hours, hell, six hours from now, it should be done!
First load is being unpacked at the storage place. Jon's only comment so far has been that he wished he rented a van, so it could all go in one trip. But he's 90% two trips will do it.
If he gets done early enough, he can accompany me on a medical procedure I need to do today that is very painful. He's gone with me every time before, but because of the move, I told him I'd bite the bullet and try to do it myself. He said he really wants to make it, and that having it scheduled is actually helpful to him, because it puts a hard limit on how much time he can spend with Lora/doing this.
I just texted him asking if he got Lora's keys back yet. Nervously waiting for the confirmation.
Hopefully, we're nearly halfway there...
If he gets done early enough, he can accompany me on a medical procedure I need to do today that is very painful. He's gone with me every time before, but because of the move, I told him I'd bite the bullet and try to do it myself. He said he really wants to make it, and that having it scheduled is actually helpful to him, because it puts a hard limit on how much time he can spend with Lora/doing this.
I just texted him asking if he got Lora's keys back yet. Nervously waiting for the confirmation.
Hopefully, we're nearly halfway there...
She forgot the keys.
Why am I not surprised?
Jon said he's going to meet her on Monday to get them.
I'm honestly not afraid of her coming in and setting fire to our stuff or something, I just want my freaking keys out of her possession.
Also, a friend who is going to help cat sit while we're gone needs them. I'd arranged with her to pass the keys to her on Saturday, but now that's not going to work.
Not a huge deal, but still...at least her stuff is getting out.
Keys Monday. Then totally done. But stuff totally out today. Supposedly. Waiting for confirmation of that.
Soooooo close!
Why am I not surprised?
Jon said he's going to meet her on Monday to get them.
I'm honestly not afraid of her coming in and setting fire to our stuff or something, I just want my freaking keys out of her possession.
Also, a friend who is going to help cat sit while we're gone needs them. I'd arranged with her to pass the keys to her on Saturday, but now that's not going to work.
Not a huge deal, but still...at least her stuff is getting out.
Keys Monday. Then totally done. But stuff totally out today. Supposedly. Waiting for confirmation of that.
Soooooo close!
After pointing out the need for the keys to go to one of our cat-sitters, Jon said that he'd get the keys from Lora tomorrow, instead of Monday.
We'll see how that pans out, but it does sound a heck of a lot better than getting them Monday, especially since we're leaving on our trip at the butt-crack of dawn on Wednesday.
We'll see how that pans out, but it does sound a heck of a lot better than getting them Monday, especially since we're leaving on our trip at the butt-crack of dawn on Wednesday.
opalescent
Active member
One major step forward, a hopefully minor one (keys) back.
Can you change your locks? Pain in the ass, yes, but something to consider.
Can you change your locks? Pain in the ass, yes, but something to consider.