LizziE Learning as She Goes

Just so you know...I (and I assume others) have been following the "Lora Saga" in your blog. For myself, I think that you have gone "over-and-beyond" in your consideration of her and her place in Jon's life. If I were you? (and I am NOT), I would cease to consider her at all other than as a potential metamour that I am NOT willing to ever live with/consider as a friend regardless of her relationship with my partner - that bridge has been burned. If he wants to be involved with her - I, personally, would set the limit at "cordial acquaintance" = to not be rude to her in person or bad-mouth her to him if they get back together.

You are twisting yourself into pretzel-knots trying to be the "perfect poly partner/metamour" - you don't have to. You are awesome! You did your best by your morals/ethics and...it didn't make a difference. You don't need to KEEP trying and expect a different outcome. She is who she is. Let go. Leave it be. Stop spending your energy on a lost cause. Yes, support your partner, but reserve the right to say - "Talking about her drains my energy, if you NEED support that you can't get elsewhere I am here - but otherwise I can't support this dysfunction at the risk of my own stability."

Look. Yes, I want everyone in my poly-cule/poly-blob/poly-borg-collective to be happy and healthy - BUT I can only affect the parts that I can affect! Some people's issues are beyond my reach, I have to understand my own limitations.
 
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You are allowed to not give a shit about Lora. Officially. Sez me.

I also believe you've given far more than many people would have, and you're still second-guessing yourself. Listen to yourself. Quit telling that nagging little voice to sit down.

Granted, the story we're hearing is from your POV only, but it sounds to me like she not only wants Jon, but she wants to be his first priority at all times, to the point where she goes ballistic when reminded that she's not (the texting issues, the FB unblocking, etc.). If this is true, then nothing you can do (short of breaking up with Jon and tossing him in Lora's arms) will ever give her anything that she needs. You will instead serve as a reminder that she *can't* have that, and regardless of whether or not she really does like you, she probably won't want that reminder in her face all the time.

It's not your fault. It's not you. It's probably not even how she feels about you. It's her need to be the center of Jon's world, and how that world has fallen apart for her. She's grasping blindly for control and grabbing onto the things she can (texting, FB) in an attempt to regain it.

IMO, it'd probably help both Jon and Lora if they went their separate ways for a long, long time. You, however, can choose to separate yourself from her now. It's okay to say you're done. You bent over backward for her good will; it's time to put some of that energy back into YOU.
 
Thank you both very much for your thoughts. It really helps.

Honestly, I swear, I'm generally not thinking about her much. When I asked Jon about Lora, I think it had taken me a good few weeks to make the connection between "Jon is happier lately, huh" and "I haven't seen Lora's name on his phone for awhile". Which I felt kind of sheepish about, in a way, but also glad that she's nowhere near the top thing on my mind.

I think I can accept the idea that for the time being, Lora isn't going to change/isn't trying to change, no matter what she says. Maybe that will be different sometime down the road, but in the last six months, she's pulling the same shit over and over and over. For whatever reason, I keep thinking to myself "But she said she's working on changing and managing her feelings...isn't she doing that?". No, she's not. Or if she is, it's so infinitesimal that it's barely doing anything, which is basically the same thing.

And about her probably never giving a shit about me at all...I should probably just try to remind myself that I really have no idea what's going on in her head in regards to me, and not tell myself a story about it either way. Maybe I'll find out some day. Maybe I won't. Her actions don't look good, and are reason enough to keep myself distant from her, but I don't know the whole story and probably never will.

So I need to just let that idea go now and keep on keeping on with my life.

FTR, Jon really doesn't bring her up much, only when they're fighting which, in the past two months, he told me about the fight before TG (where she changed her phone number) and then we talked about the fight they had on TG, and then I asked him when I realized that he hadn't mentioned her a few days ago and he told me about taking time away from her. So three times in two months is pretty good, I think. :)
 
You worked so hard to get Lora out of your life and home. I hope you won't let her back in. It probably sounds awful for me to say that.

What's TG?
 
kdt26417 said:
You worked so hard to get Lora out of your life and home. I hope you won't let her back in. It probably sounds awful for me to say that.

What's TG?
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TG is Thanksgiving :)

You're not awful to say that. I go back and forth. One of my closest friends was also the person I've dated the longest so far in my life. We had a really horrible break up. He actually told nearly all of our friends that I cheated on him, based on a chat he read with a person who I was most certainly NOT cheating on him with, but looked suspicious to him in his deeply upset, heartbroken state (he wasn't snooping, his computer broke, so I told him he could use mine, and left that chat open, which I didn't think to hide because it was with a new friend, not a love interest). Anyways, I was super-furious with him, the break up was horrible and very bitter, he blocked me on FB and I blocked him back out of spite. At parties, he would either act like I didn't exist, or leave the room if I entered the room. It was awkward and awful and I hated him for a long time.

We didn't speak for nearly five years...then he emailed me on my birthday a couple of years ago. A tentative email saying something about how it was a shame how we never ended up being friends. The email actually pissed me off. I remember saying something like "oh yeah? I'm gonna call your bluff asshole" and I emailed him back saying "fine. let's meet. and see if we can be friends".

Our first meeting was super awkward but...there was something there. So we met again. And again. And started going dancing together and doing yoga together. Slowly things came out about how much he'd changed. So much so that the people that were his friends when he and I were dating were barely his friends anymore - he was trying to make new friends, who were more his kind of people. And I was very much his kind of person. I think he tried to deny certain parts of his personality, but part of why he loved me so much was that I was a lot of things that were him, the person he really was. His friends were all friends from college and they'd had that "college bond" and while most of them did have a lot in common, the only thing he really had in common with them was that they'd all been friends in college.

Eventually, he gave me a really heartfelt apology about the way he acted and how painful it was, in part because he felt like I was the only person he could be himself with, his true self, but he wasn't ready to see that yet in himself. I mainly broke up with him because...our sex life was *so bad* (I've written about him before here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=314565&postcount=35). And now he's one of my very best friends. After acting like a horrible, shitty person to me for a number of years.

So I think about that. I think about how someone who I hated for years (and I hated him so much because I'd loved him so damn much) is now a rock in my life. And I think...that could happen with Lora.

Maybe.

But there are a lot of differences between my ex and Lora. Things like how he was capable of taking care of himself, working a full-time job, managing his money responsibly, keeping and maintaining a number of friendships. He didn't get nasty until the break up.

OTOH, there are some similarities, in that he could be a self-centered ass at times. The only thing we ever really fought about were the times when he was being a self-centered ass and I called him on it. He *could* also be a really generous person, but sometimes he was really self-centered and very...I don't know how to describe it. He completely refused to acknowledge at times when he was being self-centered and acted like it was his "right" to have certain things.

Anyways, he was, hands down, overall a much "better" person than Lora, throughout our entire relationship, so maybe the comparison is BS.

I have this really big fear of disliking someone or deciding that they're kind of an awful person, and refusing to ever acknowledge if/when they do change. I don't want to do that with Lora.

Also, I'm a lot less upset with her than I was six months ago. And I still do feel for her. But I think I need to keep reminding myself over and over again that even though I'm not angry at her, she's still acting like a huge asshole, she isn't doing any sort of therapy or doing anything to help herself (it seems like she's just waiting for Jon to get back together with her and magically "fix" everything), and as long as she's a shitty person, I should keep her and her energy out of my life.

Ugh, but every time I say that a little voice pipes up "but if she *did* change, you would see/take that into account, right?".

Yes, little voice. I will take that into account. I promise. Now stop bugging me!
 
Re:
"TG is Thanksgiving :)"
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Ahh, that makes sense. You see, I got confused ...

Re (from LizziE):
"Jon told me about that fight ... hmmm ... I forget when. Sometime between TG and Thanksgiving."
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Ahem ... that's the part that threw me. LOL, kind of like saying, between CM and Christmas. :eek:

Re:
"I have this really big fear of disliking someone or deciding that they're kind of an awful person, and refusing to ever acknowledge if/when they do change. I don't want to do that with Lora."
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Sure, Lora could change. But let her show the proof of the change *before* you let her back in. That's my opinion.

I would be surprised if she changed, but I guess anything is possible.
 
Ah, my brain. Yes, that should have been between TG and Christmas. Sheesh. :rolleyes:

And that's a really good point, about Lora needing to change *before* I let her back in. A REALLY good point. Because one of the things that kept suckering me back in was her way of saying (with such passionate certainty) that things WERE different now. That she REALLY understood and things were DEFINITELY going to be better from now on, because she TOTALLY got it this time.

And three months later, we'd be back in the same fucking shitstorm, because her actions never really changed to match her words.
 
Re:
"Yes, that should have been between TG and Christmas."
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Ahhh, that's better. :)

Re:
"And three months later, we'd be back in the same fucking shitstorm, because her actions never really changed to match her words."
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Yes. That's also how I see it.
 
I am trying hard to comprehend that you would still consider living with Lora. Glutton for punishment much?

Seriously, why?

See, if I were you, I would tell Jon that living with her again is NEVER going to be an option and that I NEVER want any contact from her, and NEVER want to hear about what's happening with her. I would also tell him that I have extreme doubt about his ability to judge a person's character and perceive events accurately, if he is going to continue any sort of thing with her.

Because in my life, I have to take care of ME, and that is the only way I can be there to take care of the people I love. Toxic people are not allowed into my home or my life. Lora would be the line on the sand that never gets crossed if I were you, so I am just perplexed by your recent posts.

LizziE said:
I have this really big fear of disliking someone or deciding that they're kind of an awful person, and refusing to ever acknowledge if/when they do change. I don't want to do that with Lora.
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Why? Again, this is mystifying to me. People change or not. So what? You don't owe them anything if they do change in ways that would benefit you or meet your approval. I think there is much more value in moving on than dragging around this feeling of obligation to someone from your past. What do you owe her? She shit all over Jon and you. Yes, I understand that forgiveness is a very powerful thing, but it doesn't apply in all situations. She's not a well person and it's okay to not want her around.
 
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I think we're very different people, nycindie.

Basing Jon's ability to judge the character of people on his interaction with one, single person is, imo, really short-sighted. Saying he's a shit judge of character because of Lora alone - ignoring all the other amazing people in his life - sounds just as foolish as looking at someone who has mostly shit people in their life, and saying that they're a good judge of character, because they have a single good friend.

I know I've said it before on my blog, but maybe I haven't here: Other than Lora, every other person in Jon's life (including the three former partners of his that I've met) is an amazing, awesome, has-their-shit-together person. Every single one I've met, including childhood friends.

From what I know of how Jon and Lora met (online, exchanging emails for months before meeting), and my experience of Lora over email, I can see why he'd have been taken in by Lora. On paper, she sounds like a much more together, less selfish, not narcissistic, and not controlling asshole. A lot of the latitude that *I've* given Lora has been more in response to Lora on paper than Lora on person. I can only imagine how much harder it would be to try to figure out who the "real" Lora is, if I spent months reading her emails, and building up all that as a composite of who she is in person.

Also, in the past, I've dated controlling abusive assholes. Not many, and most of them not for long. I usually start seeing through the bullshit within a month or two. But there was one guy in particular who got under my skin. One really really really shitty, abusive asshole who managed to read me just perfectly and say all the right things at the last minute and do all the right things at the last minute. I stayed in a relationship with him for over a year too long. It took an amount of bullshit that - in retrospect - makes me cringe to look at now, when I think about what I put up with before realizing that he was a shitty person with no redeemable qualities.

It appears that Jon is having that experience now. Having needed to go through that myself, coupled with all the other awesome people in his life, I'm pretty OK with him needing this life experience and certainly not going to judge his entire character based on his relationships with one person.

Lastly, the fear of always treating Lora the same, even if she changed, that's about me, not her. A lot of this is about me, not her.

When I was in my early 20s, I was in bad shape, emotionally. The why is a long story that I might get into someday on my blog. I was hospitalized twice for my mental illness, once for self-harm, and one for having a total psychotic break. I was a shitty fucking person for a number of years. Not as shitty as Lora in some ways, but shittier in other ways. I hated myself, I hated the world, and even though I somehow had the luck or ability to find good friends (in college, in early adulthood), I put them through hell.

But I got better. It took years. I'd say it took about 2-3 years of extremely intensive therapy with a really amazing therapist, cognitive behavioral therapy, and another emotional breakdown to start to really get better. I lost a lot of friends, really great people, who - to this day - want nothing to do with me. And that's fine, absolutely their right, and I don't even slightly hold that against them. I also have a lot of friends that gritted their teeth and stuck with me through some amazingly atrocious behavior. I'll always be deeply grateful to them for that.

But I think that one thing I got the most out of was the people who were straight with me when I was sick, and told me that they didn't want anything to do with me, because I was an asshole, but gave me another chance when I got better, and proved that I really was better. Especially given that much of my family did this thing after I got better where, thought they never shunned me or stopped including me, they refused to see that I'd gotten better for YEARS. It was incredibly frustrating, because I didn't want to walk away from my own family, but being treated as though I was following old patterns of behavior when I wasn't was almost like someone trying to drag me back into those old patterns of behavior. I don't know if that makes sense.

Maybe it's like if you ask someone who is now out about being an alcoholic and doing AA if they want a drink, and they say 'no', but you pour them a drink anyway like they said 'yes', so now, on top of saying 'no' to the idea of a drink, they have a drink right in front of them that they have to walk away from, or get up, grab, and pour down the sink. And when that happens, you say 'hey, but you said you wanted that drink!', when they didn't.

Yeah, it's kind of a lot like that. Because my family can be fairly dysfunctional, and for awhile, since I was "the worst" of the lot, they could probably focus on that instead of themselves, which was probably a lot easier for them.

(happily, not only has that stopped, I'm pretty sure that a few of them have gotten therapy/improved in part because of my example, and there seems to be a lot less manipulation/bullshit going on in my family compared to the way they used to be)

So I would be willing to give Lora those chances too, if she changed.

I honestly don't care if you (or anybody else) thinks that's stupid, or a waste of time.

But I take a lot of offense at the idea that I'm in any way a glutton for punishment or making an decision that I haven't thought about A LOT and weighed really carefully. No, I don't owe Lora anything. And actually, the whole forgiveness racket? Not my thing. I'll never forgive Lora for the shit that she did to Jon. I can move on from it. If she got better, I could say that the ultimate goodness of her outweighs the shitty things she did in the past. But I certainly won't forgive them. Which I'm fine with. I don't feel any "heavier" or whatever people who are really into forgiveness say happens when you forgive someone.

I do know how hard it is to improve behavior and go straight. I'm fine with the idea of helping someone with that, to a certain extent. I would consider helping Lora in that way, and I'd considering it a form of "paying it forward", so to speak.

But, to one of your points, I need to do it in a way that ensures I also take care of ME. I can't help anybody if I'm a mess. Living with Lora again is something that would happen YEARS from now, if it ever happened. I wouldn't trust her that much for years. Right now, as far as I can see, she really is exactly the same asshole that she was at the time of the break-up. Given the last few bullshit things she's done, there has been absolutely NO improvement. And I've gotten over my rage towards her. Hearing about her (or talking/writing about her) doesn't evoke a lot of powerful negative feelings anymore, which I'm really happy with. That tells me that she's really history for me, mostly in the past, not taking up too much of my time or attention.

If she ever got better, and Jon still wanted to be there for her, I'd be OK with that. I'd maybe be there for her myself. Or maybe not. I won't know for sure unless it happens.

Either way, whatever I do, it's not for a lack of reasoning and it's not out of masochism. So disagree with me if you want to, but please knock it off on calling me a glutton for punishment or making judgements about the entirely of Jon based on one person.
 
There is one thing that's sort of tangential to what you say nycindie, that has me thinking and is something I think I want to talk to Jon about.

Lora has repeatedly said that she really gets it, she understands, and THIS time things are going to be better. Clearly, this has yet to happen. I've said that I have struggled at times, because when someone says they are going to work on something, or change, I believe them. This is mainly because I myself wouldn't say those things, unless I not only meant them, but also had a plan to make sure that happened.

Towards the end of Jon and Lora's relationship, when she said her "this time things are going to be better" thing, I thought to myself "Bullshit". I didn't want to hear it again, because it gave me a lot of pain in the form of cognitive dissonance between her saying (and appearing to sincerely believe, at that time) things were going to get better, and the reality of them not getting better.

So what I'm wondering (and kind of wanted to ask Jon about) is if he ever said "Ok. You said things are going to change. You've said that before, and they didn't. What are you doing this time to ensure that the change you've just promised actually happens?"

I'm bringing this up mainly because when I was a shitty human being, I didn't promise change that wasn't going to happen. I made excuses for my shitty behavior. Sometimes I defended vehemently that my behavior wasn't shitty. But generally (as far as I remember) if I actually admitted that something I was doing was unhealthy, or mean to other people, or shitty, I tried to figure out a way to stop doing it.

Now that I think of it, the only time I ever said to Lora some variation of "What are you going to do to make sure it really gets better?" it was when I said "If we are going to continue to live together, you need therapy". Which she managed to turn, in her mind, into "You and Jon need to get therapy" because that turned the problem into a communication issue between her and Jon, instead of a behavioral problem of hers that needed to be addressed. And pretty much ducked the actual problems, as anybody who has read about my situation knows.

In the future (and not just with Lora, but in general) I think I need to remember that when someone comes to me and says "You're right, I'm doing a fucked up thing. I understand that now and I'm going to do better", the very first thing I should do is ask them what they're doing to make it better, and partially judge allowing them to have any part of my heart (or my attention) on their answer.
 
LizziE said:
In the future (and not just with Lora, but in general) I think I need to remember that when someone comes to me and says "You're right, I'm doing a fucked up thing. I understand that now and I'm going to do better", the very first thing I should do is ask them what they're doing to make it better, and partially judge allowing them to have any part of my heart (or my attention) on their answer.
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Yup, I totally understand you here. It might be wise to sit down with a list, (I love me a good list!) and put the minimum VERY specific goal action plans to address said issues.

For me and Rocky (I had heard a year things would change) I said, I need to meet you Sister and mother. Simple, easy plan. I need you to verbally in front of me vocalise support of me being in your life to your best friend. I need you to actively keep google calendar with me. He agreed on all points. Change happened. What you're getting with Lora is squirrley non-commitment shoving of responsibility onto other people.
 
I've had plenty of talks with people in the past (being on both sides of this) where one of us screwed up and wanted to do better, so what do we need to do to make something better? Hell, I've done that with Jon, that's how the few disagreements or mix-ups that we've had have been resolved.

I mean, geez, I do it at work regularly. X thing went wrong. Let's look into how/why it went wrong. What can we all do to make sure it doesn't go wrong again? Communicate at a different time? Someone else is responsible for it? Have a meeting earlier to address it? And it's not a negative thing or a shitty thing or a finger-pointing thing, it's just a "If we want this to be different/better, what do we change to make it happen?" Because it's kind of a no-brainer that things don't change without making changes.

I have a feeling that with Lora (like with some coworkers I've dealt with), it would become a personal attack on her or something shitty. In which case, bring it on; that kind of reaction would be a good reason to say "ok, clearly this isn't going to work for me. we could continue to not have anything to do with each other"
 
Fuller updates on my blog, but long story short:

Jon has decided that he wants no relationship with Lora at all. Or rather, that he can't have any kind of close relationship with her at all because she can't respect his boundaries or have a "normal" relationship with him. Lora also finally realized that our area is too expensive and moved back in with her mom on Sunday.

I think part of what Lora realized was that Jon wasn't going to be badgered into getting back together with him, so she's given up on staying around. Jon saw her Sunday morning (to say goodbye and tell her in person that he can't have any kind of close relationship with her) and said she seemed more focused on moving back to her mom's and getting a new job than about their relationship.

In a way, that's a 'win', if it's true. Before Jon and Lora started dating, she didn't have a job, didn't want a job, and was extremely resistant to the idea of getting a job because her anxiety and PTSD supposedly made it too hard to have a job. As someone who has struggled with mental illness her whole life, I feel guilty saying "supposedly" but as someone who has gotten to know Lora and the extent to which she'll ignore her problems and reject methods of working through them, I don't feel comfortable believing wholeheartedly the idea that her mental problems really were that bad when she and Jon met. Based on her own behavior, I'm more likely to believe that Lora would rather be dependent and living a job-free, video-game-filled life instead.

But I'm digressing. The 'win' is that if Lora has changed her focus in life and now actually wants to/realizes the importance of having a job, making money, and supporting herself, that would be a win. It would be a huge shift in mentality from what I saw for much of the time that we lived together.

Jon has hopes that once Lora is settled and has a job, that she'll resume therapy. He still really wants her to get better, even if only for her own sake. While I also hope that she gets therapy and works on her problems, I'm a lot less hopeful than Jon.

Mainly, I'm intensely relieved that she's gone. I'm happy to know that Jon has decided the most he would be OK with hearing from her is every couple of months. I'm happy to finally close the book on this chapter of our lives and move on. Even though I don't know what the future holds, right now it feels like it holds far better things than the last year and change held. I hope that's true and I look forward to finding out. :)
 
Glad to hear Lora won't be interfering in your life so much.
 
I'm so happy to hear this! :)
 
Thank you! It's been really wonderful, being so Lora-free!

I've written a few more entries on my blog:

http://wp.me/p4QY2o-qA

http://wp.me/p4QY2o-qK


Long story short, Jon's last talk/meeting with Lora went well. She understood his reasons for not being able to have any kind of relationship with her. She seemed pretty accepting of it (no rages, no arguing) and seemed more focused on moving home and getting a job and moving on with her life.

Jon and I also decided that we both might start dating soon. This isn't a "we both have to be dating or neither of us can be dating" kind of thing. It's more that I told him where I was with that, and he realized that he's also been yearning to date again, meet new people, look for someone who he has a spark with.

We both still feel kinda unready, Jon more so than me. We figure that the true sign that we're ready to dip our toes back into the dating pool is when the idea of revving up our online dating profiles and going to poly mixers doesn't make us groan with exasperation at the dick picks, ridiculous come-on lines, and heavy-handed assholes that we'll encounter. Jon's online profile does state that he's bi, so he also knows the "joy" of getting random dick picks and guys messaging him requesting his dick pics and asking him when he wants to fuck, despite his profiles all staying that he's only interested in relationships that also have an emotional/romantic component and that he's not one to jump into bed quickly (though we made out on our 2nd date, and eventually escalated our sexual activity to include PIV/PIA sex, we were dating for over two months before PIV sex actually happened. That's actually one of the things that really made me fall in love with him. He took his time, wanted to explore, play other ways, and just have a good time and take it as the mood took us, instead of jumping right to fucking. Hmmm. I might want to make a post about that soon).

I have a feeling that I'll feel ready sometime in the next month. I just had (this brings tears to my eyes, ya'll) my first workout in nearly...damn, probably three years, where I was able to work out at an intensity that actually left me feeling tired and with a slight exercise high. I actually cried at the end of it, when that delicious feeling crept over me and felt like I had at least a tiny piece of myself back that I'd been aching for for so long.

So yes, physical therapy is actually going really well. We've figured out a system that is creating real, concrete progress, and I've hit some markers of good muscle stability and health that I haven't hit in a really long time. I'm taking it painfully slow, because I don't want to fuck myself up again hurrying. I keep reminding myself that there WILL be setbacks, but that I can roll with them, let them flow through me, and then slowly pick things up back again as they subside.

It just feels so good. I feel more me than I've felt in a really long time.

I suspect (in case anybody is wondering) that dealing with Lora (as well as Jessica's bullshit, and the sort of falling out I had with Rachel) especially with the intensity that occurred in the late spring/early summer last year went a long way in stressing me out to the point where my ability to progress was severely hindered. I've been listening to some vids on YouTube about people who have gotten toxic people out of their lives, and they all talk about how they didn't realize until afterward what a harsh physical toll the toxicness had on their physical health. In many cases, it seems like around the six month point (after break-up/cut-off) is where people start finally making real strides in being healthier.

So lots of exciting news! The world feels a little more awesome and glittery right now. I have so much gratitude and hope for the future. It feels really wonderful.
 
It's been quite a while. An overview (all detailed much more heavily on my blog):

- I was sexually assaulted in February.
- As far as assaults go, it wasn't, violent or, involved penetration, FTR.
- But it was still horrible, and caused a huge amount of emotional fallout when I was already struggling just to handle my chronic health issues.


- Had to take time off of working on chronic health issues, because I just couldn't deal. I pretty much completely shut down for close to two months.
- Turns out, taking time off actually helped with the chronic health issues a lot, and I've made a surprising amount of improvement (especially in the last week or so).

- Jon is still amazing and awesome.
- Lora is more and more of our life and Jon's life. They text sometimes. And sometimes she tries to stir up shit with him. But when she does, his response is pretty much "I'm not engaging in this, peace out, text me if you want when you're ready to act like a normal friend". Then he puts his phone away and ignores.

- I'm feeling somewhat better now, and ready to dip my toe into life again. I feel capable of interacting with people (at least online) without it feeling horridly exhausting. Dealing with (the vast majority of) people in person is still hard.


That's the major stuff. I've been lurking back here awhile, but didn't have the energy/brain to say anything. That's finally looking up.

One thing I didn't mention entirely on my blog. The person who assaulted me is/was a teacher. It came out that he tried to assault another student twice, and hit on several other women in the class that I was currently in. The class totally imploded; it stopped meeting after I and two friends (one of them being the woman he tried to assault twice) left the class. I've since found out that he's pretty well disgraced and that various students told other prior students and so a lot of people know what he did now - and a lot of women now know that what he did to them wasn't a one-of, or a case of him getting a bit drunk and carried away, and that he absolutely is a serial predator.

I learned from one person that when he tried (once again) his whole "Poor me, why am I being framed, this is so unfair, and I don't understand" shtick, he was told (by a guy) something along the lines of "I've heard from way too many women who I knew in class and trust to be truthful that you did/tried to pull something with them. That you act like you have no idea what is going on is completely disgusting and makes it more obvious that you DO know what you're doing, and that your favorite way to cover it up is to act dumb. We know you're not dumb. You've spent years teaching us, so we KNOW you're not dumb. But you are also disgusting human being, which you managed to hide for years, and I'm glad I know that about you too. You should know that everything I ever learned from you is tainted by what a disgusting human you are, and that I'm sad to share a gender with you."

So that's pretty awesome.

Honestly, if he died heartbroken because so many people now know what a scumbag he is, I wouldn't even feel slightly bad. Too many woman have come out about the creepy shit he's pulled for me to have any pity for him. He made a lot of women question themselves, feel doubtful, feel violated, and really struggle over the years. All so he could cop a feel or shove his tongue down someone's throat when he was feeling horny. Disgusting pig.

Even though criminal charges will never happen, it's nice to know that some form of social comeuppance is happening here. Frankly, I hope it happens more often and puts enough fear into the hearts of serial offenders that they fucking stop hurting people.

Obviously, I'm still not over it. But it does genuinely help to know that his actions have had really negative consequences for him.

Meanwhile, I'm going to keep on keeping on and see how life goes. The main thing right now is still working on my chronic health issues and trying to get a read on who I am as a person. I feel lost, as I have since this chronic illness has become such a part of my life, and I'm really not sure who I am, or what I want out of life right now, beyond the basics of food, shelter, enough money to live OK on, and Jon. I'm definitely still poly; I'll always be poly. But I think I need to figure out more about what direction I want my life to go in, and what goals I want to be working towards. I feel very directionless now.

Ok, now that is really it for the major stuff and this update. :)
 
Glad to hear from you again; sorry you have been through such awful stuff lately.
 
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