The backstory of our poly-fi V triad is described in the Introduction thread under the title "The Accidental Polyamorist". Our beginnings were unusual to say the least, if not strictly unique.
To sum up: I met my long distance male lover, J, on a social media site three or four years ago. We were just friends until we began private messaging around two years ago. Although I attempted to ascertain J's personal circumstances, I did not discover he was already involved with a mutual online friend, B, until he and I had already declared our love for each other. B's and J's relationship was also long distance but had progressed to real life meetings which included sex, unbeknownst to me. Unfortunately, while J considered them to be close friends with benefits only, B believed they were true soul mates in deep mutual love.
This situation blew up when I more or less guessed what was going on and asked her (B) for confirmation. At this point J essentially "chose" me over B and he and I began online "dating" in a very intense way. We committed to each other almost immediately which naturally left B heartbroken and lost. I felt for her, truly, but my feelings for J were undeniable and vice versa.
J wanted to be the best partner he could be for me, and despite a history littered with substance abuse issues and other problems, he voluntarily checked into a residential rehab for many months. This might have severely hampered our developing relationship yet the following six-eight months were some of the happiest of my life. J had remained platonic friends with B throughout that time, although she had blocked me on social media. I was skeptical of their motivations for wanting to stay in such close contact, yet it didn't affect J's and my blossoming relationship in any overly negative way.
Eventually J encountered several major life changes that resulted in a notable decrease in time spent together, to a point where I began to feel my needs for time, affection and intimacy were not being met by him. Confused and sad, I spiralled into depression. Once B had recovered enough to allow me back into her life, she and I began confiding in each other until there came a day when we both "just knew" we'd crossed the boundary from friendship to something else. So I confessed to J and asked permission to become involved with B - to which he enthusiastically capitulated. His agreement left me feeling simultaneously relieved AND disheartened. (How could he want to "share" me? etc.) Nevertheless, the two relationships established themselves side-by-side, as stressful as maintaining them has sometimes been, and my relationship with B is now over a year old.
During this time TWO major unrelated issues have presented themselves:
- J's growing unavailability has worn me down emotionally to a point where, last November, I had a breakdown and had to stop working. (I was also suffering some concurrent health issues which are on their way to being resolved now.) He answers messages haphazardly, spends a fraction of the time chatting to me than he used to, and rarely shows an interest in any sexual activity, let alone initiates it.
Yes, I am sure he does not have anyone else. And yes, I have addressed this issue with him time and again, to no avail. He DOES tell me more often than he WAS that he loves me, however, although he remains very inconsistent when it comes to communicating. More worryingly still, I recently discovered he had not been honest about remaining completely clean this past year. Substance use has reared its head again, probably suppressing any other head-rearing that I'd hoped to spark.
The second issue is this:
- B made it clear from the moment she and I got together that she'd "ideally" love to have something with BOTH J and I - our own happy little family - eventually. I've always been somewhat wary of B's motives but I do love her and I could see the sense in it since she and J used to be an item and I am "with" the both of them now. So, wishing to please her, I agreed to consider her request, vacillating back and forth until I somehow found myself promising to "try it and see" when all three of us were to meet for the first time in person in April this year.
Unfortunately, though the individual meetings went extremely well (including great sexual chemistry with each in a "real life" setting), our attempt at threesome sex was less stellar - for me - as I suspected it would be. I was too nervous and off-put by a past bad experience to really "go with the flow" and the next morning felt horrible, sickened, dirty and jealous. I hadn't been able to relax and enjoy myself, but had instead dissociated and "gone along" with it with a smile plastered on my face, despite wanting to scream "no no no!" the entire time. The next day J and B both felt terrible when they realised how I really felt, and eventually after many discussions and arguments once I returned home, we've decided NOT to force this to be a triad in that sense, but instead to remain a V.
My problem is, those two are due to go away on a short trip in a couple of weeks - something they've done several times before even after their sexual relationship ended - and I'm dreading it. These "fun" catch-ups always sadden me because I can't join them (I live in another country) but after our last threeway encounter, I'm feeling especially insecure and vulnerable about them getting together without me. Moreover, in light of J's emotional absence and lack of interest in (cyber)sex these days, it just feels so unbalanced and "unfair" that B gets to enjoy his company in close quarters while I cannot. To clarify, they've both assured me they will not be engaging in physical intimacy beyond hugging, kissing in greeting, possibly holding hands and the like - and I believe them - but in the past I've had issues with their "platonic intimacy" going too far (ie: bed sharing, foot rubs, massages, walking with arms around each other, laying with heads in lap etc.) Neither believe these things constitute going too far, but that kind of behaviour between former lovers makes me anxious and uncomfortable.
To sum up: I met my long distance male lover, J, on a social media site three or four years ago. We were just friends until we began private messaging around two years ago. Although I attempted to ascertain J's personal circumstances, I did not discover he was already involved with a mutual online friend, B, until he and I had already declared our love for each other. B's and J's relationship was also long distance but had progressed to real life meetings which included sex, unbeknownst to me. Unfortunately, while J considered them to be close friends with benefits only, B believed they were true soul mates in deep mutual love.
This situation blew up when I more or less guessed what was going on and asked her (B) for confirmation. At this point J essentially "chose" me over B and he and I began online "dating" in a very intense way. We committed to each other almost immediately which naturally left B heartbroken and lost. I felt for her, truly, but my feelings for J were undeniable and vice versa.
J wanted to be the best partner he could be for me, and despite a history littered with substance abuse issues and other problems, he voluntarily checked into a residential rehab for many months. This might have severely hampered our developing relationship yet the following six-eight months were some of the happiest of my life. J had remained platonic friends with B throughout that time, although she had blocked me on social media. I was skeptical of their motivations for wanting to stay in such close contact, yet it didn't affect J's and my blossoming relationship in any overly negative way.
Eventually J encountered several major life changes that resulted in a notable decrease in time spent together, to a point where I began to feel my needs for time, affection and intimacy were not being met by him. Confused and sad, I spiralled into depression. Once B had recovered enough to allow me back into her life, she and I began confiding in each other until there came a day when we both "just knew" we'd crossed the boundary from friendship to something else. So I confessed to J and asked permission to become involved with B - to which he enthusiastically capitulated. His agreement left me feeling simultaneously relieved AND disheartened. (How could he want to "share" me? etc.) Nevertheless, the two relationships established themselves side-by-side, as stressful as maintaining them has sometimes been, and my relationship with B is now over a year old.
During this time TWO major unrelated issues have presented themselves:
- J's growing unavailability has worn me down emotionally to a point where, last November, I had a breakdown and had to stop working. (I was also suffering some concurrent health issues which are on their way to being resolved now.) He answers messages haphazardly, spends a fraction of the time chatting to me than he used to, and rarely shows an interest in any sexual activity, let alone initiates it.
Yes, I am sure he does not have anyone else. And yes, I have addressed this issue with him time and again, to no avail. He DOES tell me more often than he WAS that he loves me, however, although he remains very inconsistent when it comes to communicating. More worryingly still, I recently discovered he had not been honest about remaining completely clean this past year. Substance use has reared its head again, probably suppressing any other head-rearing that I'd hoped to spark.
The second issue is this:
- B made it clear from the moment she and I got together that she'd "ideally" love to have something with BOTH J and I - our own happy little family - eventually. I've always been somewhat wary of B's motives but I do love her and I could see the sense in it since she and J used to be an item and I am "with" the both of them now. So, wishing to please her, I agreed to consider her request, vacillating back and forth until I somehow found myself promising to "try it and see" when all three of us were to meet for the first time in person in April this year.
Unfortunately, though the individual meetings went extremely well (including great sexual chemistry with each in a "real life" setting), our attempt at threesome sex was less stellar - for me - as I suspected it would be. I was too nervous and off-put by a past bad experience to really "go with the flow" and the next morning felt horrible, sickened, dirty and jealous. I hadn't been able to relax and enjoy myself, but had instead dissociated and "gone along" with it with a smile plastered on my face, despite wanting to scream "no no no!" the entire time. The next day J and B both felt terrible when they realised how I really felt, and eventually after many discussions and arguments once I returned home, we've decided NOT to force this to be a triad in that sense, but instead to remain a V.
My problem is, those two are due to go away on a short trip in a couple of weeks - something they've done several times before even after their sexual relationship ended - and I'm dreading it. These "fun" catch-ups always sadden me because I can't join them (I live in another country) but after our last threeway encounter, I'm feeling especially insecure and vulnerable about them getting together without me. Moreover, in light of J's emotional absence and lack of interest in (cyber)sex these days, it just feels so unbalanced and "unfair" that B gets to enjoy his company in close quarters while I cannot. To clarify, they've both assured me they will not be engaging in physical intimacy beyond hugging, kissing in greeting, possibly holding hands and the like - and I believe them - but in the past I've had issues with their "platonic intimacy" going too far (ie: bed sharing, foot rubs, massages, walking with arms around each other, laying with heads in lap etc.) Neither believe these things constitute going too far, but that kind of behaviour between former lovers makes me anxious and uncomfortable.
Last edited:
