Long distance Poly relationship

C

ConfidentlyChaos

New member
Hi, I'm new here, but needed to get some support and outside perspective.

I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two others, a male and a female. They're married legally, and I'm their third. We have been dating long distance for four months now, and I just got back to my hometown from visiting them about a week ago. Since I returned home, they've been very distant and it feels like something has shifted. They've reassured me that everything is fine, and that we're okay, but they've been going upwards of 12 hours without even looking at my messages, haven't been answering my calls, and haven't been reaching out unless I do so first. I'm supposed to move out to live with them at the end of this year, but I feel like they don't want me anymore. I don't know what to do. I've been struggling with my mental health pretty severely since being back, and I've tried to reach out to them for support, but I've gotten next to nothing in return. They did just move into a new place after I left, are starting new jobs on Monday, and have been sick, but my anxiety has taken over and I'm spiraling. Please help.
 
Sounds like you have some rather strong gut instincts going on. Plus the couple's words and actions aren't matching up so I'm not surprised you're anxious.

For me, I'd find that my boundaries were being pinged on this one. Fyi, my boundaries are all about the way I let people treat me. If I don't like the way someone is treating me, I let them know specifically what I'm not prepared to accept. If they continue with behaviour that results in me feeling unhappy about the situation, I'll leave that situation, or that relationship. I protect me first, including from anxiety. Sometimes, it's been a workplace that's left me feeling anxious all the time, so I've quit my job. I have boundaries that keep my mental health intact.

So, in your shoes I'd change my mind about moving to be with them and take away the anxiety of being concerned it wouldn't work out once I got there. That would feel safer to me. Then I'd let them know that the specific things that aren't in line with how I want to be treated. I don't want to have to wait 12 hours for message to be seen since previously it wasn't like that. I don't want to be not answered (instead I want a regularly scheduled call). I don't want to be the only one who initiates contact. These things are not my idea of a relationship, so thinking of myself as being in a relationship will end if there is no change in these behaviours.

Because you know that the couple have a lot of major life events going on right now, you may want to reframe your thoughts for a few weeks to just acknowledge that they need the space to deal with all the things that are very immediate to them right now. Go about living your life with the things that are right in front of you where you are. See friends, go on dates, do whatever hobbies you love. Focus inwards at being able to have a whole and complete life without them, so IF you do eventually move to be with them, you can have a whole and complete life there, too, and the relationships aren't your entire world (a risk when moving to be with someone/s).
 
I'm sorry you struggle. If you are spiraling out from anxiety right now, please consider seeking health care.

They've reassured me that everything is fine, and that we're okay, but they've been going upwards of 12 hours without even looking at my messages, haven't been answering my calls, and haven't been reaching out unless I do so first.
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So... do you want/need contact more often than 12 hours apart all the time? Or is this just NRE phase? Or because you are having a panic attack or anxiety thing?

As you say, they've been sick, just moved, start new jobs, etc. They are responding, just not instantly.

Maybe you would do better with scheduled calls? And people take turns initiating?

I'm supposed to move out to live with them at the end of this year, but I feel like they don't want me anymore. I don't know what to do.
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NRE can last from 6-24 months. So I would not suggest moving in with people and making big changes while still in NRE.

If within the year this cools down? You don't move at all.

If within the year, this is still going, just not at the frantic NRE pace? That's fine. You could move into a flat of your own nearby. But NOT into their home. Don't be in a rush to cohabitate. Put another stepping stone in there.

Because it would suck to move during NRE, have the NRE thing fade and then break up. And have to move all over again right away or be stuck living with exes for a while before you can afford to move out.

Where if you moved into your own flat and dated them closer, but not in the same home? And then broke up? You still have your own flat and don't have more moving expenses and don't have to live with exes. All break ups come with some grief, but at least you spare yourself the moving costs and living with exes weird.

It's also nice to have your own space so each dyad can have time apart/alone. Not all cooped up in the same space. Maybe something to consider.

Galagirl
 
Hello ConfidentlyChaos,

Long-distance relationships tend to be really hard, and yours is doubly difficult as it is poly as well.

I suggest you postpone your moving out to live with them at the end of this year. Tell them you are not feeling secure that they honestly still want you, and that you want to postpone your moving out to live with them until you do feel secure. This is not a relationship where you shoulder all the responsibility and do all the work, they need to do their part as well.

Try not to get too anxious, they are going through a period of transition, and that might be why they're acting weird. Give them a few weeks/months to pull themselves together.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
After doing some reflecting on the situation, and a conversation with my partners, I'm feeling much better, and am attempting to give them space and time to adjust to this huge life transition, they've also agreed to check in a couple of times a day just to reassure me that things are okay with the three of us.
 
Glad to hear that you're feeling better, and that the situation has improved.
 
ConfidentlyChaos said:
Hi, I'm new here, but needed to get some support and outside perspective.

I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two others, a male and a female. They're married legally, and I'm their third. We have been dating long distance for four months now, and I just got back to my hometown from visiting them about a week ago. Since I returned home, they've been very distant and it feels like something has shifted. They've reassured me that everything is fine, and that we're okay, but they've been going upwards of 12 hours without even looking at my messages, haven't been answering my calls, and haven't been reaching out unless I do so first. I'm supposed to move out to live with them at the end of this year, but I feel like they don't want me anymore. I don't know what to do. I've been struggling with my mental health pretty severely since being back, and I've tried to reach out to them for support, but I've gotten next to nothing in return. They did just move into a new place after I left, are starting new jobs on Monday, and have been sick, but my anxiety has taken over and I'm spiraling. Please help.
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Sending you well wishes, and hope that all will be well for you
 
It's been a while since you updated.

Dating a couple with a history is hard. You're a unicorn. You could look that up. Unicorns are often treated badly, at the beck and call and whim of "their couple."

You're not dating a couple. You're not "a third." You are a poly woman dating two individuals, a man and a woman, who happen to be married. Each one is looking for something different in a partner. Maybe you tick most of the boxes of each. Maybe you don't. Maybe after your last visit one of them (or both) had second thoughts.

I fully agree with GalaGirl that you should never rush to cohabitate with anyone before NRE wears off. Visit? Sure. A long weekend, even a weeklong vacation? Sounds fun. But moving yourself (especially to a different state), lock, stock and barrel, ripping up your roots, leaving a job and friends/family, to go live with an established couple you honestly barely know? Unwise. If you must, get an apartment in their town, with roommates if you can't afford your own place.

You'd be on weak social and legal grounds as a "third" living with a married couple.
 
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