Hi, I’m hoping for some advice from the community as I’m new to this. My partner moved a month ago and shared with me over a call he would like to explore a poly relationship, he then left me with no communication for a while which was hard. Whilst it is a fairly new relationship it was a deep and loving connection, something I had been missing for a long time. We are meeting for the first time next week to discuss what this means for us. He however has a date this weekend, I have asked if he could not make this intimate until we meet as I have so many questions and needed the transitioning time to see if this is something I could be open to. He has stated it is a principle he is not willing to commit to. Am I being unfair asking this? I’m an open minded person and at a stage in my life I’m willing to explore this. I have no prior experience of this type of relationship though and would really appreciate some advice from anyone out there x
Looking for advice
- Thread starter N1kk1
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How long have you known your partner? I ask because it must be a shock to hear that he wants to have an open relationship, while you thought you 2 were exclusive partners for the first part of your relationship. Was there some kind of commitment made to "go steady," or was it so new, you 2 weren't really officially a couple and mono?
When you say he moved, do you mean he used to live near you and now he's further away? Does he want the freedom to date others who live closer to his new place, while keeping you in his back pocket? Is he fine if you start dating others too?
You have a right to ask for anything you want. This was not an "unfair" ask. He, however, has the right to refuse to do this. And then you have the right to say, "Since you dropped this bomb on me, and aren't giving me any time to get used to the idea, and are just going to go ahead and do whatever you want, my feelings be damned, I'm just gonna peace out."
When you say he moved, do you mean he used to live near you and now he's further away? Does he want the freedom to date others who live closer to his new place, while keeping you in his back pocket? Is he fine if you start dating others too?
You have a right to ask for anything you want. This was not an "unfair" ask. He, however, has the right to refuse to do this. And then you have the right to say, "Since you dropped this bomb on me, and aren't giving me any time to get used to the idea, and are just going to go ahead and do whatever you want, my feelings be damned, I'm just gonna peace out."
If it's going to be ethical non-monogamy, ground rules will need to be agreed upon, surely. You don't even know if he is committed to using a condom with this new person, for example. He could be risking your sexual health. In this day and age, there is also the vaccine issue.
Is there any plan for you 2 to have regular dates, in real life, by text or facetime? What do you need for reassurance? Has he successfully carried on multiple relationships before?
Is there any plan for you 2 to have regular dates, in real life, by text or facetime? What do you need for reassurance? Has he successfully carried on multiple relationships before?
Hi Magdlyn, thank you for your thoughtful response 
it is a relationship of 5 months, with a 12 year age difference - me being the older. He did share with me when we met he was moving to London and wanted to try poly relationships. We however fell for each other quite deeply and decided to commit to one another, we had however still agreed to explore the scene together. Within 2 weeks of moving he shared with me he needed to do this alone, but still wanted me in his life. He doesn’t want me to be a part of this however until he has explored what it means for him as feels there are too many emotions and expectations involved between us, which of course there are. He has agreed to use contraception but this appears to be the only boundary I am permitted to ask. He is living in a poly household and has the support network he needs to transition through this, I’m however left a little flailing
it is a relationship of 5 months, with a 12 year age difference - me being the older. He did share with me when we met he was moving to London and wanted to try poly relationships. We however fell for each other quite deeply and decided to commit to one another, we had however still agreed to explore the scene together. Within 2 weeks of moving he shared with me he needed to do this alone, but still wanted me in his life. He doesn’t want me to be a part of this however until he has explored what it means for him as feels there are too many emotions and expectations involved between us, which of course there are. He has agreed to use contraception but this appears to be the only boundary I am permitted to ask. He is living in a poly household and has the support network he needs to transition through this, I’m however left a little flailing
Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. You correct me if I get anything wrong, ok?
When you met, Guy told you he was going to move to London and wanted to try poly relationships. You were fine with this. You dated for about 5 mos. with him local, but neither was dating other people. Instead, it ended up just you and him with the agreement that you could both explore poly together. But neither one pursuing it.
Now he's moved.
You were supposed to meet up in a week to talk about how to do poly with this new change to LDR. You asked him not to share sex with new people yet until you have new agreements in place.
He said he's not willing to do that. He wants to have sex when he wants. He is willing to use contraception. But that's about it. He doesn't want to slow down to give you any transition time. He doesn't want to deal with your emotions or expectations. And other than contraception, he doesn't want you asking anything about his other dating potentials or having any other boundaries. (Ex: Don't date my parents, siblings, boss.)
Two weeks later he says he wants to go off and explore poly on his own, but still wants you "in his life."
You are willing to explore poly, but don't like how he wants to go about it. You have questions about what this is now.
Is that about it?
If so? You can ask whatever you want. You are not a mind reader. You have the right to know what the new deal is since he moved. So you can decide if you want to keep on participating here with him or not.
It is not unfair for you to ask for time to sort out agreements, and give you some transition time. You can ask.
He might say "No, I don't wanna." Which is his right. Then you have to decide what you want to do about that info.
If the "new deal" on the table is open/poly for him and not for you? Or some kind of "I do whatever I want, and have you around for my back up plan" thing rather than just plain breaking up? Or some other hinky sounding offer that's not great for you?
You can say "No, thanks. I'm bowing out." And just pass on it.
You don't have to bend yourself into pretzels just to hang on to a 5 mos old relationship. If the clock ran out on this one, it ran out.
If you discovered incompatibilities? That's what dating is. You sort out the incompatible people from the compatible ones.
If you still want to explore poly? You can do that with other people.
Galagirl
When you met, Guy told you he was going to move to London and wanted to try poly relationships. You were fine with this. You dated for about 5 mos. with him local, but neither was dating other people. Instead, it ended up just you and him with the agreement that you could both explore poly together. But neither one pursuing it.
Now he's moved.
You were supposed to meet up in a week to talk about how to do poly with this new change to LDR. You asked him not to share sex with new people yet until you have new agreements in place.
He said he's not willing to do that. He wants to have sex when he wants. He is willing to use contraception. But that's about it. He doesn't want to slow down to give you any transition time. He doesn't want to deal with your emotions or expectations. And other than contraception, he doesn't want you asking anything about his other dating potentials or having any other boundaries. (Ex: Don't date my parents, siblings, boss.)
Two weeks later he says he wants to go off and explore poly on his own, but still wants you "in his life."
- Like he wants open/poly for him so he can figure out what it means for him. But he doesn't want you exploring poly on your side. (???)
- Or like breaking up with you but still keeping you on the string in case his poly experiment doesn't pan out so you are his fallback option. (???)
You are willing to explore poly, but don't like how he wants to go about it. You have questions about what this is now.
Is that about it?
If so? You can ask whatever you want. You are not a mind reader. You have the right to know what the new deal is since he moved. So you can decide if you want to keep on participating here with him or not.
It is not unfair for you to ask for time to sort out agreements, and give you some transition time. You can ask.
He might say "No, I don't wanna." Which is his right. Then you have to decide what you want to do about that info.
If the "new deal" on the table is open/poly for him and not for you? Or some kind of "I do whatever I want, and have you around for my back up plan" thing rather than just plain breaking up? Or some other hinky sounding offer that's not great for you?
You can say "No, thanks. I'm bowing out." And just pass on it.
You don't have to bend yourself into pretzels just to hang on to a 5 mos old relationship. If the clock ran out on this one, it ran out.
If you discovered incompatibilities? That's what dating is. You sort out the incompatible people from the compatible ones.
If you still want to explore poly? You can do that with other people.
Galagirl
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HaloOnFire
Active member
Hello N1kk1,
Your partner should not be doing anything without your consent, otherwise the nonmonogamy is not ethical (and thus it is not poly). You are being very generous to consider poly at all, you do not have to be ready for everything all at once. Tell him that he must not have an intimate date until you meet with him (next week). You have questions, and need to establish some ground rules. You are not being unfair to ask this. Tell him. Make him understand.
You are willing to wait on poly until he says it's okay. He should be willing to do the same (vice versa) for you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Your partner should not be doing anything without your consent, otherwise the nonmonogamy is not ethical (and thus it is not poly). You are being very generous to consider poly at all, you do not have to be ready for everything all at once. Tell him that he must not have an intimate date until you meet with him (next week). You have questions, and need to establish some ground rules. You are not being unfair to ask this. Tell him. Make him understand.
You are willing to wait on poly until he says it's okay. He should be willing to do the same (vice versa) for you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Marcus
Well-known member
Is "make this intimate" euphemism for sex?
I encourage you to use your adult language, and be precise about what exactly you are requesting. When we use softening words like this it may *seem* like we are being gentle, but really all we are doing is muddying the waters. Having a crystal clear understanding of what *exactly* is being agreed to will save you some pain in the future.
Have you explored why restricting this "intimate" behavior would be helpful to you? Are you under the impression that it will somehow strengthen your association with him, or extend it's longevity? I strongly recommend looking at this, and seriously considering if limiting your partners behavior is the solution you want to apply to your emotional journey. His altering his behavior might bolster your illusion of security, but it will also show him that you expect that he should adjust his behavior to suit your emotional state... is that the message you are intending to send him?
You are not being unfair in requesting that he alter his behavior to sate your insecurity.
He is not being unfair in denying your request.
Just because a request might seem "fair" to you, in no way impacts whether or not he will capitulate to your request. In this case he is showing that he has clear boundaries, and that he will not bend on those boundaries. In my world this is high level adulting, and I commend him for standing by his boundaries.
I encourage you to change how you frame his decision, and learn to fully embrace the word "no". By encouraging other people to respect their own boundaries you are demonstrating that you hold boundaries in high regard, which is a display of stability and concern for his well being. When we get frustrated, angry, or weepy about other people respecting their own boundaries we display that we really just want our way and don't have much concern about people taking good care of themselves.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
This X1000.
You're building this new relationship entirely on what your BF wants and on how you can accommodate him. If you continue down this path, you'll have an excellent example of codependency. Trying to accommodate the other person without first confidently knowing yourself is a downward spiral into resentment, guilt and misery. Before you twist yourself into knots trying to be "fair," spend some time coming to terms about what you value in a relationship and getting clear about what you want. When you do that, things proceed pretty smoothly. Drama is all about weak boundaries and codependent relationship patterns.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Boundaries are for you to establish for yourself. You are allowed as many or as few boundaries as you deem necessary for yourself. If the vibe in the relationship is that you're not allowed to ask him questions or have what you want, the answer is for you to get clear in yourself about what you want - not for you too keep asking him if this 'n that is OK or going to happen. The more confident and clear you are about what is important to you, the less blowback you get from other people.