Looking for help

Dada85

New member
Hi everyone,

I have just introduced myself under the corresponding section, so take a look at it to understand me better.

As I mentioned there, I have been married to my wife for 15 years and we have been in a very codependent relation with me being manipulative, possessive and jealous. I need to accept that my wife has been going through some very hard time and I am not proud of it, I even feel ashamed for being a toxic person.

Recently, I have discovered that she was seeing someone else and that she had no desire to stop it as she told me that she needs him to currently feel better and to start taking care of herself (she was totally lost and inactive before). Of course, this discovery has been very damaging. At the same time I have also started working hard on my own self esteem and confidence, getting to know me better. Also, given my realisation on the way I behaved with her, I have accepted the situation as I believe she deserves to be happy.

Now what I know for sure is that my wife is still in real love with me but she is also going through her midlife crisis making it difficult for me to follow. The major problem I have is that she sees him frequently (like 3 evenings a week) but less with me as we always end up arguing about everything. And it has been like that for months, so communication is though. Now she lives at a friend's place for the next 2 weeks and I know she will see him a lot. She has been clear that this distance is needed for her to sleep better and rest (she suffers from extremely severe insomnia) and also to protect her from our lengthy discussions. So I kind of feel isolated from her.

If I am here tonight, it's because I need help navigating: whilw I am not certain that I am ready for being in an open relation, at the same time I would feel stupid not trying (I have already dated another girl in the last week and it felt good to discover some lost emotions). So there seem to be some potential. But changing a 15 years relation is not easy, especially when there is at the same time a need to rebuild my identity and accept that there is someone else. So do you have any advice that would help me cope with the jealousy, with the possessivity, or even with the situation?

I would ask all of you not to judge my decision to stay with her as it is something I have seen and heard too much. People don't know what we have been through.

Thanks in advance
 
Have you had any of that rehabitative therapy aimed at abusive partners?
Hi, I am not sure I understand what such therapy is? I am currently being followed by a therapist and an hypnotherapist to understand how I work and why. I did understand a massive amount of things!
 
It's good you're in therapy. Your toxic relationship may never regain a healthy course. Your wife feels better when she's not with you, whether it's with her new bf, or at her platonic friend's place. There she can rest, sleep, not have to be on her guard for constant arguments, she can find herself again.

You were possessive and jealous before she started cheating, so it sounds like you created that reality! Men with low self esteem are often possessive of their gfs/wives because they feel they don't really deserve a nice partner, so they grip on with talons and look at every other man with suspicion. I know. I was married to a guy like that. I can't tell you all the times he decided I was being unfaithful in perfectly normal social situations, such as having a dance with someone at a wedding, hugging another man "too long" upon greeting him, talking to someone in the kitchen, talking about a musician or actor I really liked. Eventually I just felt like he was breathing down my neck all the damn time.

We did couples therapy 4 times over our 30 year relationship. I really loved him, like you say your wife loves you. But I couldn't be fully myself since he wasn't confident and didn't love himself enough, so tried to control me instead. Eventually we broke up, but I hope that doesn't happen to you. I hope therapy helps you.

Being suspicious of your wife is just a symptom of your own lack of self love and lack of a positive self image. This isn't really a polyamory problem. It happens in many mono relationships. Our culture tells us that our jealousy proves our love, in mono relationships. Polyamory can grow out of an original cheating scenario, but it takes years of work and rebuilding of trust.

I'm sure your date with the new unsuspecting woman was a nice distraction, but personally I don't think it's fair to start dating someone new when you know you've got serious issues with healthy relating. Did she even know you were married?
 
Hello Dada85,

Hopefully your therapist will help you overcome some of your toxic behaviors. You don't have control over what your wife does, so you need to focus on what you do. Here are some links to help you with your jealousy:
I hope you are able to repair your relationship with your wife.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sometimes one has to let go with one hand, so they can hold with the other.

The major problem I have is that she sees him frequently (like 3 evenings a week) but less with me as we always end up arguing about everything. And it has been like that for months, so communication is though.

What could reduce this?

Would you and wife consider remaining married, but living in separate homes for a year's lease? Give you both some space and some room to adapt, grow, change? Work on your own individual things?

Then maybe you aren't having these fights so often? You sound like you are comparing he "gets" more time from her than you. But what do you bring to her? What does she get from you?

What are the fights even about? The guy? Sex? Money? Kids? Something else?

You could make an actual effort to date your wife and set up some regular date nights. What she does the rest of the time is her business. Sleeping, out with family, out with friends, out with her BF. Whatever. But then you don't have to SEE her comings and goings because you aren't living together.

Then perhaps you can deal with your personal work in therapy and not get triggered as much?

Like I said. Letting go of something with one hand (living together right now) so you can take hold with the other hand (getting some space, and creating a new start, so when you come back to live together again, it's on better footing with your new identity more in place?)

Galagirl
 
It's good you're in therapy. Your toxic relationship may never regain a healthy course. Your wife feels better when she's not with you, whether it's with her new bf, or at her platonic friend's place. There she can rest, sleep, not have to be on her guard for constant arguments, she can find herself again.

You were possessive and jealous before she started cheating, so it sounds like you created that reality! Men with low self esteem are often possessive of their gfs/wives because they feel they don't really deserve a nice partner, so they grip on with talons and look at every other man with suspicion. I know. I was married to a guy like that. I can't tell you all the times he decided I was being unfaithful in perfectly normal social situations, such as having a dance with someone at a wedding, hugging another man "too long" upon greeting him, talking to someone in the kitchen, talking about a musician or actor I really liked. Eventually I just felt like he was breathing down my neck all the damn time.

We did couples therapy 4 times over our 30 year relationship. I really loved him, like you say your wife loves you. But I couldn't be fully myself since he wasn't confident and didn't love himself enough, so tried to control me instead. Eventually we broke up, but I hope that doesn't happen to you. I hope therapy helps you.

Being suspicious of your wife is just a symptom of your own lack of self love and lack of a positive self image. This isn't really a polyamory problem. It happens in many mono relationships. Our culture tells us that our jealousy proves our love, in mono relationships. Polyamory can grow out of an original cheating scenario, but it takes years of work and rebuilding of trust.

I'm sure your date with the new unsuspecting woman was a nice distraction, but personally I don't think it's fair to start dating someone new when you know you've got serious issues with healthy relating. Did she even know you were married?
Hello and thanks for your answer;

There is a lof of true things in what you mentioned, especially regarding her answer to this toxic situation and her right to move toward something better for her. I accept it. I am working hard on myself currently, really trying everything I can to grow my own circle of friends, to have my activities, and so far it's working very well. It does help me a lot to get more confidence as I can see what people like in me, and what they don't like.

Regarding my own story with the other lady, yes she is fully aware of the situation, absolutely everything. And I did not attend anything, it's still just friendship as I am well aware that with my current personality, with my current weaknesses, I can't be good for another person. I first need to work on myself, get my stability, and then move on.
 
Sometimes one has to let go with one hand, so they can hold with the other.



What could reduce this?

Would you and wife consider remaining married, but living in separate homes for a year's lease? Give you both some space and some room to adapt, grow, change? Work on your own individual things?

Then maybe you aren't having these fights so often? You sound like you are comparing he "gets" more time from her than you. But what do you bring to her? What does she get from you?

What are the fights even about? The guy? Sex? Money? Kids? Something else?

You could make an actual effort to date your wife and set up some regular date nights. What she does the rest of the time is her business. Sleeping, out with family, out with friends, out with her BF. Whatever. But then you don't have to SEE her comings and goings because you aren't living together.

Then perhaps you can deal with your personal work in therapy and not get triggered as much?

Like I said. Letting go of something with one hand (living together right now) so you can take hold with the other hand (getting some space, and creating a new start, so when you come back to live together again, it's on better footing with your new identity more in place?)

Galagirl
Excellent advise, thanks a lot.

The fights are mostly due to me being jealous of her spending time with this other guy. There is improvement as we actually discuss about it less and less, and I also realize that I can handle my emotions better when she mentions him. So the time spent meditating is apparently fruitful.

For the next 2 weeks, she has decided to live at her friend's place so that she can rest better and also avoid our discussions. She took a good decision and I respect her need for free time more than ever, I only contact her when she contacts me, and then spend the rest of my days doing things I like or seeing friends. It honestly works well. Morning tends to be more difficult as I miss her.

But it's a fact, and you said it well, I need to give my wife the space she deserves so much, to have her freedom, and to enjoy life. Her happiness will be my reward and eventually, if it works, it will allow us to be stronger in the future.
 
Hi everyone,

I have just introduced myself under the corresponding section, so take a look at it to understand me better.

As I mentioned there, I have been married to my wife for 15 years and we have been in a very codependent relation with me being manipulative, possessive and jealous. I need to accept that my wife has been going through some very hard time and I am not proud of it, I even feel ashamed for being a toxic person.

Recently, I have discovered that she was seeing someone else and that she had no desire to stop it as she told me that she needs him to currently feel better and to start taking care of herself (she was totally lost and inactive before). Of course, this discovery has been very damaging. At the same time I have also started working hard on my own self esteem and confidence, getting to know me better. Also, given my realisation on the way I behaved with her, I have accepted the situation as I believe she deserves to be happy.

Now what I know for sure is that my wife is still in real love with me but she is also going through her midlife crisis making it difficult for me to follow. The major problem I have is that she sees him frequently (like 3 evenings a week) but less with me as we always end up arguing about everything. And it has been like that for months, so communication is though. Now she lives at a friend's place for the next 2 weeks and I know she will see him a lot. She has been clear that this distance is needed for her to sleep better and rest (she suffers from extremely severe insomnia) and also to protect her from our lengthy discussions. So I kind of feel isolated from her.

If I am here tonight, it's because I need help navigating: whilw I am not certain that I am ready for being in an open relation, at the same time I would feel stupid not trying (I have already dated another girl in the last week and it felt good to discover some lost emotions). So there seem to be some potential. But changing a 15 years relation is not easy, especially when there is at the same time a need to rebuild my identity and accept that there is someone else. So do you have any advice that would help me cope with the jealousy, with the possessivity, or even with the situation?

I would ask all of you not to judge my decision to stay with her as it is something I have seen and heard too much. People don't know what we have been through.

Thanks in advance
I’m very new to open relationship and I’m still suffering from some jealousy…it’s not easy my husband has a partner and I do not…maybe try researching about open relationship and polyamory with jealousy included.
It’s seemed to help me tho I’m very sensitive still and my husband and I argue often. I’d maybe try telling her how u feel. Communication is really key to this. I feel left out as well so maybe some re connecting is needed as well. Good luck! Sorry your going through this.
 
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