Looking for some polyam wisdom or outside perspective.

[dingedheart]

We do have boundaries that are set for respect toward each relationship, as well as for protecting the original relationships in regards to time and such. I don't think the boundaries the BF and I have are right for the other two, but they are both big on fairness in all things, and adopted the same boundaries for themselves. I think some of that is trying to be pushed lately with this movie-night stuff, but I will give the benefit of the doubt for now.

Could you give an example of the boundaries you and bf have that aren’t right for the other 2?

I get the swinger history here, and the protection of original relationships is the natural default wiring, but has anyone read or come across the “poly theory“ of the old marriages are dead, and something new is being built where the old stood, using bits and pieces of the salvage?

It’s less protecting the old as opposed to building 2 new, or whatever the math might be.

They do not feel as strongly for each other, but there is love. They would also be fine going with longer periods of separation.

Did you see signs of NRE for them? Did they have their own NRE phase and it’s died off already?

In the beginning, I think there were assumptions made that it would be a package deal. That is not the case, though.

Are there any other expectations that need to be updated or corrected? Or do you think that might send some folks further into the pit of despair?

It's what started the anxious ones into these black pits of "what-ifs" and negativity. I have kept a very consistent stance that I will not leave him just because my meta and NP fall through. I feel like if they are asking you to break your own and someone else's heart just for the sake of doing it, do they really even care about you at all? That may be opening a can of worms with some people, sorry!

When it comes to romantic relationships, who can underwrite an insurance policy? If the idea is living in the moment, then it shouldn’t matter, IMO.

We've definitely seen this in some of the swinger couples. Not a lot lot, but a few here and there. Seems like it happens more with couples that haven't been together as long, or are just dating. We only know a few poly couples in RL, and they are going strong after many years. It wasn't without many of the ups and downs it seems like most go through. We know zero quads so far, outside of forums.

So it’s not like it was someone close and fresh that started the negative “what-ifs”?

Alas, here we are a couple days later. Each couple has had their respective talks. Not everything is 100% better, but maybe a little less hurtful today, which is always a good thing. Here's to hoping we keep moving in the right direction!

How was the reconnecting weekend on both sides, if you’ve heard from the other side?

 

[Z3r0Cool]

Could you give an example of the boundaries you and bf have that aren’t right for the other 2?

Yep. Since we are part of the swinger community, flirty side-chats get started frequently. Since we are still building our relationship, saturated, and working on our own security with each other, we both said that we won't carry on side chats like that. If one starts, we will let the other know about it, and respectfully shut down the conversation. That works for us. The others just adopted it, like it had to be a rule for all. There are a couple others, but the main issue is that if I adjust my boundaries in any kind of way, my NP just does the same thing to his own.

I haven't read much in regards to that poly theory, but I will look into it more. Looking at it as building something new, instead of protecting the old, sounds beautiful to me, and more positive.

it’s not like it was someone close and fresh that started the negative “what-ifs”?

Right. I think it's just the closer the BF and I get, the more they worry they are losing something.

The weekend was good for both sides. They were able to talk about a lot of things and hash out some stuff, so they are in a better place. We've all talked since and everyone seems to be a bit more stable. Time will tell.

 

[Z3r0Cool]

I don’t know that I have any advice, which is almost surprising as I was once almost _exactly_ in your position (there’s a blog linked in my signature, if you go to the first few posts you can find the story there). But I have great sympathy and I really hope, for the sake of everyone involved, that your bf has the spine to not give into demands just to ease anxiety.

Thank you, I will take a looksie

 

[Z3r0Cool]

Hello Z3r0Cool,

I think you are coming up against a hard wall of incompatibility; your NP and meta want one thing, and you and your BF want something else. Something that directly contradicts what NP and meta want. They want you to have less time with BF; you and BF want more time. I'm not sure how this contradiction can be resolved.

As for your NP, therapy and med changes are a BFD. I should know, I went through dozens of med changes and it wasn't fun -- neither for me nor for my partner and meta. And I had lots of therapy, also not fun, and minimally productive. After some ten plus years I went on Zyprexa, finally something that worked (although not 100%). My point is, your NP is going through a lot that has little if anything to do with your poly situation. The poly situation is just being used by him as his punching bag. You said it yourself: Your NP doesn't want you to scale back your time spent with your BF. This is your meta's crusade. But in the meantime, your NP is ruining your dates with your BF. So in a way, he is on board with meta's idea, he just doesn't want to admit it. But as I said, the poly situation is just his scapegoat, and his punching bag.

I don't think you should scale back,
Kevin T.

Since he stopped meds it's been like a 100% difference in attitude. It's wild!!! I wouldn't wish that stuff on anyone.

 

[kdt26417]

Me neither