TL;DR: My meta is suggesting that my BF take a step back from me so that my NP can "catch up" emotionally with the quad. I’m struggling to understand how reducing time with someone who makes me feel fulfilled helps my NP manage his insecurities and anxious attachment. My NP, despite his issues is not wanting me to get less time and is upset my meta would suggest that.
The question:
Has anyone been in a similar situation where a partner was asked to step back to make space for another's healing? Did it help or hurt? Would love any insight or shared experiences.
Some Backstory:
I know it's not a full picture and one sided here.
We have a quad dynamic with group dates, private time, and overnights. The private time is about 1-2x a month. Group time is double dates that may or may not end up in group play, but we splinter off with our non NP's at night. We get to do this at least once a month.
The exception was this last month where we got three weekends in a row and was a big issue. The second two were individual date nights, he gets Friday I get Saturday or the reverse) the date nights are not full days at all but are sleepovers; just trying to paint a clearer picture with time before I get into some of those issues.
Over the last several months My NP has unleashed significant insecurities and is working on them (therapy, med changes). His jealousy shows up in constant comparison, reassurance-seeking, and emotional dysregulation that has really worn me down. The last three weeks were hard on him and I understand wanting a weekend for himself in between. Mostly all of the dumping from him happen directly preceding or directly after my date night. I'm talking bf is not even out of the driveway yet and I get "I need to tell you all my feelings right now. I don't want you to change anything but the things you did make me feel this way and this way and this way etc" obviously paraphrasing here. Then the talks can be every day until the NP feels like he gets somewhat of a resolution or game plan. It turns into a lot of kitchen-sink type arguing. I feel this is being used as a control tactic to put very negative emotions in my head directly following good times with the BF.
My BF and I have strong love and chemistry, it's hard to ignore in person even if we aren't touching. Silly to say the electricity is in the air, but strangers walk up to us and comment on it! Fortunately the NPs haven't been around for that yet, but the passion they do see triggers them both. They are both anxious attached, more closely to the extreme end.
After the problems the last couple of weeks (medication induced problems) The meta thinks scaling back my time with BF will give NP space to "catch up." But I’m not convinced that sacrificing a joyful, healthy connection is the answer.
The BF and I want more time and are being given the option to choose less. We are already coming up with a proposal on what this might look like to have two days a week *3 hours one night and maybe 15 another if we get a work night as an overnight* while sparing weekends for the NP's and group dates. And yes I'm getting petty talking about hours because the other half keeps saying we spend days together.
I don't think my NP or meta truly want poly (even though he and the meta are the ones who started us down this path). I think they started it as a fun project, didn't really expect anyone to have deep feelings, told us to run with it, and now want to take it back and just go back to swinging fwb because they didn't know it would be so hard.
Just feels like everything is going to implode and I'm going to be forced to make tough decisions for myself that I don't want to have to make.
We do tons if research and reading, we are in couples therapy. Doing all the right things and it feels like over communicating all the time. Maybe that's the problem. Is over communication a thing? This is just turning into a complaint session now so I'll end it here. Thanks for reading.
