Lost.... Don't know what to do

M

MrsFixIt

New member
Hello All. I'm new to this forum and the concept of polyamory. I have been married for 7 years and in the relationship for 11 years. It has not been all rainbows and butterflies.

To make a long story short and get right to point, my husband starting seeing another woman 10 months, started sleeping with her 8 months ago, feel in love, and now they want to have a polyamorous relationship.

I knew about her to a certain extent but he kept reassuring me they were just friends. I found out on Sunday (4 days ago) the truth about their relationship.

I don't know what to do. We love each other on a very deep level, but we've been lost and did not communicate well along the way. We don't want to be divorced. I'm willing to forgive him and we are both willing to work to make our marriage better. I don't identify as a poly but it looks like he does.

Any advice on how to accept this woman into our life and make this work? :confused:
 
What is happening to you is, in my opinion, one of the most cruel ways a partner can engage in cheating. Your husband has been lying to you for months now - while possibly putting your health at risk. Do you know if he and this other woman have engaged in safer sex and exactly what measures they have taken to protect you?

Not only that but your husband has seen fit to treat you as not enough of a person that you get to make your own decisions about whether or not poly is something you want in your life. By lying and cheating, he has removed your ability to decide.

He has also compounded his cruelty by asking that you accept this situation rather than asking what he needs to do to start the process of helping you to regain trust.

If a partner of mine treated me like this, I would break up with them regardless of how much I didn't want to. I have no wish to have anybody in my life who would refuse to communicate with me honestly and who would while doing that treat me in such a nasty way.

IP
 
Welcome.

I am sorry you are dealing in this.

I get that you love him on a deep level. Him cheating on you? That is not deeply loving behavior.

"Polyamory" is also not the "whitewash" for "cheating." It isn't like polyamorous agreements are "cheat proof" either. It's the people's character and integrity that helps them keep their agreements.

Because you just found out 4 days go? I think you might be in shock. You may be going through the stages of grief.

I suggest you do nothing but self care for the next few days as the shock wears off. Except perhaps seek a counselor to help support you in this difficult time.

I also do not know if this would help you any.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

I am so sorry.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings MrsFixIt,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

We've talked about what your husband wants ... What do *you* want (and need)? What do you want your life to look like? How would you like it to work?

Sometimes cheating situations can segue into poly situations, but it isn't easy. It's especially hard when your husband wants to keep this same woman in his life (well, your lives) instead of erasing the board. It's very generous of you to be forgiving but like GalaGirl said, don't be too quick to decide how you feel and what you want to do. Give the shock some time to wear off.

You should definitely get a counselor. For you, for your husband, maybe for his "new partner," whoever is willing to see the counselor. I can give you links for finding a poly-friendly counselor if you want.

I'm willing to help however I can with whatever course you wish to follow. Let's talk.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
MrsFixIt said:
Hello All. I'm new to this forum and the concept of polyamory. I have been married for 7 years and in the relationship for 11 years. It has not been all rainbows and butterflies.

To make a long story short and get right to point, my husband starting seeing another woman 10 months, started sleeping with her 8 months ago, feel in love, and now they want to have a polyamorous relationship.

I knew about her to a certain extent but he kept reassuring me they were just friends. I found out on Sunday (4 days ago) the truth about their relationship.

I don't know what to do. We love each other on a very deep level, but we've been lost and did not communicate well along the way. We don't want to be divorced. I'm willing to forgive him and we are both willing to work to make our marriage better. I don't identify as a poly but it looks like he does.

Any advice on how to accept this woman into our life and make this work? :confused:
Click to expand...

Big hugs to you. First things first: take care of you. For at least the next few days, don't worry about taking care of him. Breathe, take some time to get some distance from this discovery, and think about what you want. what's best for you, and what you need to move forward. As others have said, a counselor can really help.

Second, and this is a difficult one to hear, though it's already been said here: get yourself STD tested. He lied to you for the better part of a year, and that is just what you know about right now. It is, unfortunately, very common to find out that the cheater has had more than one affair, and since he's lied to you already, for your safety, don't take his word that everything has been safer sex practices. This is something you can do for you, to help take back some control, and to commit to your own health and well-being.

While it's wonderful that you are currently considering poly as a way to move forward with your husband, understand that it's completely okay to not want a poly relationship model. If you decide you want it, then it should be because you are open to it, not just to keep your husband. Poly can be really fulfilling, but it isn't for everyone, and there's nothing inherently "better" about poly vs. mono.

You're likely to go through so many emotions for a while that making any life-changing decisions right now is really something you should hold off on, if you can. You don't need to make a decision about poly this very second, and your husband should definitely not be pressuring you to do so. It's not easy for cheating to transition into poly for so many reasons. It's not that it can't happen for some people, but it's very difficult and often simply does not work. If everyone involved is committed, then there are a lot of issues to consider; but, for now, those can be left on the back burner. For now, focus on you, and what you need.

We're here. *Hugs*
 
InfinitePossibility said:
Do you know if he and this other woman have engaged in safer sex and exactly what measures they have taken to protect you?
Click to expand...

GreenAcres said:
Second, and this is a difficult one to hear, though it's already been said here: get yourself STD tested.
Click to expand...
And make sure to use condoms with your husband until you get the results (if you and he still have sex).
 
Thank you for all the responses. I am getting STD tested tomorrow.

I've been seeing a counselor for several months on my own and we had started marriage counseling before the truth about his relationship came out.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I'm currently reading the book "More than Two" and there is a lot of good information in here that can be applied to all relationship styles.

The idea of having multiple relationships sounds rewarding in theory but it's also really scary. I am one of those rare individuals that truly identifies as a monogamous person and enjoys the thought of being with one person. It's hard to get excited about opening my marriage up to another woman (one who's been lying just as much as he has) when this is not what I want. I'm also struggling with intense feelings of jealously and anxiety.

I'm sure my therapist thinks I'm crazy for staying but I understand the risks involved with this decision.

My husband is not a bad person but he made some bad decisions. I'm trying to find a way to be ok with this other woman but I don't know how or even how to start.

Is it even possible to turn a cheating relationship into a poly one?

I've sought out a poly friendly counselor in my area so maybe she will be able to provide some insight and help.

Thanks again for your help. This is a new and scary world for me.
 
It is possible to turn a cheating relationship into a poly one, but it is not guaranteed. You need to rebuild trust with both your husband and his gf, who you consider(ed) a friend. I would imagine the betrayal from both feels HUGE.

I am glad you are seeking counseling. Living with a lying cheating husband must feel extremely icky right now.

I'd say consequences of their actions would be for them to take a break for a while, as you and your husband try to rebuild trust. If they are not willing or able to do this, their choice is clear. :(
 
MrsFixIt said:
and there is a lot of good information in here that can be applied to all relationship styles.

.
Click to expand...

YES! and thats why Im on here, even though I might never have a poly setup again, this is THE best place ive found for relationship advice :)

and... hugs - sorry for your situation :-(
 
Re (from MrsFixIt):
"I'm trying to find a way to be okay with this other woman but I don't know how or even how to start."
Click to expand...

If you considered this woman to be a friend in the past, maybe you can use that to help break the ice. I think you need a chance to meet with her one-on-one, in a low-stress setting, and start with a little small talk but ease your way into talking about this relationship and how it's supposed to work. It could help if you could have/build a relationship with her that is separate from your husband.

The key here, I believe, is to take very small steps at a time. Caution is needed. If if is possible to turn this cheating relationship into a poly one, it won't be easy. All three of you will have to exert much effort.

You have to think about whether this is worth it to you. Until you can see some benefits to yourself, polyamory may not be a good fit for you even if it's a poly/mono marriage.

In case it will help here's some links for dealing with jealousy:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

If I can think of more ways to help, I'll certainly post them.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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