Lots of feelings

Ginger79

New member
Hi! Just an intro. I've been fantasizing about this lifestyle on and off for years. I've been in a 24 year marriage and we are happy. We keep coming back to how cool it would be to share what we have with a girlfriend or wife. For years I've had feelings of being gung-ho on the idea and then getting cold feet. I think we need to date once and have at a minimum our first 3 some before we make any decisions further. I'm not the jealous type. I actually am turned on about the idea of my husband pleasing another woman. Mostly because our relationship is secure and he's a great lover. Why not share that? I'm excited to enter discussions about this as I've felt a range of feelings this week.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome! :)

FWIW, Just some things to ponder...
  • Do you and husband HAVE to date the same GF? That is not a requirement to polyamory.
  • Do you and husband HAVE to do group sex threesomes? That is not a requirement to polyamory.
While "Just like us... but with three!" might be the easiest to imagine and fantasize about if you have been a long term couple... a triad model where everyone is dating everyone else is actually one of the hardest models to sustain.

It's like three V's stacked up together. And it might set up the weird situation of the new person servicing one of you just to get access to the one they really want to date.

Or the weird situation of you are used to going to your spouse as a sounding board... but now you can't because they are the one you are jealous of because they are the one who is also dating your GF, or they are having a fight with their GF who is ALSO your GF and you feel trapped in the middle or...

Easier might be to start as a V where one of you is dating and is the shared sweetie "hinge" person. Which means one of you dates first and the other postpones. Or you both start dating seeking an N or Z (2 v's). Either one is less stress than 3 V's stacked up.

Cuz even if you both start dating at the same time, it's not a race or competition. And one of you will likely find a steady dating partner before the other. Cuz life just happens how it does.

There's a visual aid here for various models.

You might consider the Opening Up book if you haven't already. The worksheets are here. Could think on those while waiting for the book to arrive. Might also do some other reading online.

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

And before you go there? Could talk about how you and spouse will break up. Because it doesn't always go back to "original couple and that other person/those other people" Sometimes it goes down to "everyone single." And you might not want to be blindsided by that should it happen.

If you and spouse can't talk about that before opening Pandora's box? Maybe it's wise to put off dating others until you have a plan in place.

I encourage you to explore the forum and read other posts like Golden Nuggets while you are learning and figuring things out. Don't be in a rush.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Token2

Member
My long-term partner and I transitioned from monogamy into sexually open relationships 17 years in, and then 10 years after that into polyamory.

Looking back I can see how naive we were thinking that connecting with other people would play out exactly as we saw it in our heads.

And in time that became that we didn't even act the way we said or thought we would...
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Ginger79,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

To me, it sounds like a wonderful idea to add a third to your marriage. You are not planning to impose any strange rules on the new person, and I think you will be considerate about the new person's wants and needs, so you should be fine. Just be patient, as the process of finding a third can be a slow process. If you hang in there, you will find her eventually.

Let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I agree with the others (except for Kevin).

You have a fantasy stuck in your head of a sex threeway, where you enjoy being turned on by viewing your h pleasuring another woman. Are you bisexual? Would you also want to do sexual things with this fantasy person? Or just watch?

Anyway, a sex threesome is not polyamory. It sounds like it's all about the sex, you watching their sex, maybe joining in by pleasuring your h and then him focusing on you in between doing things to this other woman.

Polyamory is about feelings. Even asexual people can be polyamorous. Amour means love.

If you just want to fool around, swinging might be more your speed. In that scenario, the couple is meant to stay intact and not fall in love with others. If love happens you're supposed to stop seeing the new person.

If you want to fall in love (have a gf or wife, or even a bf), I recommend GalaGirl's idea. Find your own lover. If you join a dating site, lots of men will hit on you. Join a site for lesbians/bi women if you want a gf. Let hubs get his own gf. Don't assume a polyamorous woman will want to be a shared "toy" for a couple. That hardly ever works out long term, and is usually a disaster, for any number of reasons. Look up the term "unicorn" on this board to read about situations gone wrong.
 
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