Male in lifestyle, jealousy, etc.

[newbiensguy]

No, but you can change your thoughts, which do impact your emotions. Don't try to say to yourself something that you don't believe though. That never works. Changing the thought, "I have ugly crooked teeth," to, "I have beautiful teeth," won't make you feel better about your teeth... because you recognize it as a lie. Instead think of a thought that's true, but not negative like, "I have all of my teeth." It's positive and not a lie.

It might seem minor, but making that small change will make you feel differently about your teeth, and over time you can change it more positively as your feelings become more positive. Same goes for your cock. Say, "My cock gives her pleasure." It's true and has nothing to do with size.

The only reason I said cock size doesn't matter is because some men have never heard this and have been programmed differently. I wasn't trying to change your mind, just let you know, from a woman, that it's not the story you should have in your head because, as Magdlyn says, “Most women are not dating dicks, they are dating men.”

That makes more sense. I try to apply some stoicism sometimes in my life, and it usually goes well. When things go well, I am disciplined, exercise, do the choirs, etc. But when shit goes down the rough path, let's say like, when my father died, or now, with this open-relationship thing, the whole concept starts falling apart. I'm just not that mentally tough!

Btw, I have never been this self-centered in my life. I usually don't talk much about myself and try my best to be the tough one, the main supporter of the family, the one who is there for everyone to lean on. I've never done self-care. So, I'm sorry all, that I made this all about me, and I keep talking about me all the time, but after all, it is for me and about me. I'm just not used to that amount of ME at the centre of attention.

 

[Fogul]

That makes more sense. I try to apply some stoicism sometimes in my life, and it usually goes well when things go well. I am disciplined, exercise, do the choirs, etc. But when shit goes down the rough path, let's say, like, when my father died, or now this open-relationship thing, the whole concept starts falling apart. I'm just not that mentally tough! Btw, I have never been this self centered in my life. I usually don't talk much about myself and try my best to be the tough one, the main supporter of the family, the one who is there for everyone to lean on. I've never done self-care. So, I'm sorry all, that I made this all about me, and I keep talking about me all the time, but after all, it is for me and about me. I'm just not used to that amount of ME at the centre of attention.

I absolutely hear you and am right there with you. I too have that need to be stoic, or at least to project stoicism. I too have spoken more about myself on here than ever before, but I've found it to be massively useful in sorting through my thoughts and feelings.

 

[newbiensguy]

I absolutely hear you and am right there with you. I too have that need to be stoic, or at least to project stoicism. I too have spoken more about myself on here than ever before, but I've found it to be massively useful in sorting through my thoughts and feelings.

I don't think Marcus Aurelius, as a one of the most prominent stoic philosophers could be of any use here, in my situation. Actually, if I'd done his way...
Story goes like this:
"Faustina was so infatuated with the particular gladiator that she actually fell ill. She admitted the affair to her loving husband, Marcus Aurelius. Aurelius consulted soothsayers, who proposed the most unusual solution.

Aurelius summoned Faustina and the gladiator in his room and asked them to have sex. While they were having sex, Aurelius’s soldiers executed the poor guy. Faustina had to bathe in the gladiator’s blood. After the gladiator was dead, Aurelius and Faustina had sex." Source: https://medium.com/lessons-from-history/marcus-aureliuss-deb7c542c3f0

 

[Magdlyn]

The thing is, some people might not be aware that Mags has a larger-than-average vagina, so take everything she says with that in mind.

Not bigger, honey. Deeper. I do prefer a larger penis, but that's just because of my own anatomy! And I've had plenty of fun with people who had average-sized penises.

My feet and head are also much bigger than average, even though I'm only 5'7," not like, 5'10" or something. It's annoying trying to find cute shoes.

Anyway, back to the regularly scheduled topic! ;P

 

[GalaGirl]

But when shit goes down the rough path, let's say like, when my father died, or now, with this open-relationship thing, the whole concept starts falling apart. I'm just not that mentally tough!

Do you HAVE to be that "tough," though? Maybe it's okay to have different "modes" in living: "normal life mode" when life is going like usual, and "emergency mode" or "sick mode" where you power down a bit, pare back to basics, cut some corners, get frozen food and eat off paper plates, skip cooking and dishes, because something unusual or different than the normal is happening and you need to make room to sort all that out.

All you can do is your best in the moment. It's okay if your "grieving best" or your "sick best" or your "exhausted best" is not the same as your "normal life best."

Btw, I have never been this self-centered in my life. I usually don't talk much about myself and try my best to be the tough one, the main supporter of the family, the one who is there for everyone to lean on. I've never done self-care.

What you call "tough" sounds like "going without" or "self-neglect" to me. It is not selfish or self-centered to take the time to care for yourself well. It is NECESSARY. You can't pour from an empty cup. Who is going to replenish you, if not YOU, especially if you go around being the main support for others? They are worthy of care and consideration, but you are not?

You NEED to rest sometimes, sleep, eat, exercise, all of that. You are a person too. You ARE worthy of care and consideration.

So, I'm sorry all, that I made this all about me, and I keep talking about me all the time, but after all, it is for me and about me. I'm just not used to that amount of ME at the centre of attention.

It is YOUR thread. You are allowed to take up some space in it. You are allowed to take up your fair share of the world. You could be kinder to yourself.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

Btw, I have never been this self-centered in my life. I usually don't talk much about myself and try my best to be the tough one, the main supporter of the family, the one who is there for everyone to lean on.

This is falling into the gender role you were programmed to have. Gender roles are not just difficult for women, they are difficult for men too. Learning that you aren't just a man, but a human with human needs and emotions can be difficult. The ingrained thinking you have been hearing and learning your entire life is in the back of your mind telling you that you are being selfish, weak, out of control... all the things that men “shouldnt” be or show.

What you are feeling is normal and uncomfortable, but it will get better, just like your discomfort with poly. All of it takes time, experience, support, and people who understand.

This forum is a great place to get support for all of that, so dump away. The more you share and get support, the easier it will get.

 

[ref2018]

OP, if you want to just dump your thoughts without feeling like you're asking for advice on a specific issue every time, consider starting a thread in the Life Stories and Blogs section of the forum. Look at other posts in that section to see how other members use it.

 

[Fogul]

This is falling into the gender role you were programmed to have. Gender roles are not just difficult for women, they are difficult for men too. Learning that you arent just a man, but a human with human needs and emotions can be difficult to work with.

The ingrained thinking you have been hearing and learning your entire life is in the back of your mind telling you that you are being selfish, weak, out of control…..all things that men “shouldnt” be or show.

What you are feeling is normal and uncomfortable but it will get better, just like your discomfort with poly. All of it takes time, experience, support, and people who understand.

This forum is a great place to get support for all of that so dump away. The more you share and get support, the easier it will get.

I can honestly say, I’ve been through the same struggle. Actually not “been through,” am currently working my way through. And I’ve found what @Bobbi says to be true. This forum has helped me greatly.

OP, if you want to just dump your thoughts without feeling like you're asking for advice on a specific issue every time, consider starting a thread in the Life Stories and Blogs section of the forum. Look at other posts in that section to see how other members use it.

I’d support this suggestion too. I’ve found it a great way to work through my thoughts and find help and support where needed.

 

[newbiensguy]

UPDATE on the situation:
Yesterday, my wife went to meet some random guy who invited her to go and take a walk. It was solely for the purpose of hanging out and meeting a new person, no sexual intentions whatsoever, and they were just chatting. Anyway, long story short, when she came home she told me that she doesn't think that she is able to do one-night stands with anyone at all, because she just needs a deeper connection, or at least have me present there, so that she can feel safe and relaxed.

So she's decided to quit trying to do one-night stands at all. It was totally her decision, and I had no influence in her decision-making. Actually, I was kinda sad myself, because I know that she was really into that one long-haired guy. But what the hell, I sure won't be trying to persuade her to go.

We've both agreed to go the swinging path, and that whatever we do, we'll do it together, so like, no more separate dating and meeting people individually.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for "not pushing the button" and trying to make her quit. Actually, I was very determined to go all the way to the end, to work on my jealousy and anxiety and make us both happy by learning to share. I learned a lot about myself and how important honest communication is in marriage.

"I love her madly! And I need her badly! And I love her ways!"

Thank you all for being so kind and willing to take your time and encourage and understand me! If I can ever do something for some of you guys, feel free to contact me. I will be entering the forum occasionally!

Cheers! (I quit drinking.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hi newbiensguy,

Thanks for that update, it sounds like the situation kind of resolved itself. Don't be a stranger, come and visit us sometimes and don't hesitate to post your thoughts and feelings. As far as I'm concerned, we can help you with the swinging too if you need the help, even though it is different from poly. In any case, I just wish you the best, and hope you and your wife have a wonderful time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

UPDATE on the situation:
Yesterday, my wife went to meet some random guy who invited her to go and take a walk, it was solely for the purpose of hanging out and meeting a new person, no sexual intentions whatsoever, and they were just chatting. Anyway, long story short, when she came home she told me that she doesn't think that she is able to do ONS with anyone at all, because she just needs a deeper connection, or at least me present there so that she could feel safe and relaxed. So she decided to quit trying to do ONS at all, it was totally her decision, and I had no influence in her decision making. Actually, I was kinda sad myself because I know that she was really into that one long-haired guy, but what a hell, I sure won't be trying to persuade her to go. We both agreed to go the swinging path, and that whatever we do, we do it together, so like no more separate dating and meeting people individually. Anyway, I am proud of myself for "not pushing the button" and trying to make her quit, actually, I was very determined to go all the way to the end, to work on my jealousy and anxiety and make us both happy by learning to share. I learned a lot of myself and how important honest communication is in marriage. "I love her madly! And I need her badly! And I love her ways!" Thank you all for being so kind and willing to take your time and encourage and understand me! If I can ever do something for some of you guys, feel free to contact me, I will be entering the forum occasionally! Cheers! (I quit drinking)

It feels amazing when you give space and your partner decides on their own that they don’t want that. You know that it was 100% her choice. I'm happy for you!

Just a side thought-- it might be worth continuing to work on learning about poly and the issues that came up. if you stay monogamous (with a side of swinging), it will still strengthen your relationship. It could also be preparation if she comes to you in the future and wants to do poly.

It could happen. I started with wanting ONS and quickly realized I needed more feelings, intimacy, relationship-- which led me to poly. Swinging CAN also lead to poly. Any time you have sex with others, you open yourself up to the possibility of feelings getting involved.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh. I'm surprised and confused. I had thought you two had already tried to do swinging, play in threesomes, share a partner, etc., and hadn't been able to click or match with anyone, so had decided to try dating individually instead. Am I wrong?

No, I'm not wrong. You wrote this in your OP:

We tried swinging at first, but we just couldn't find suitable couples or individuals for years.

 

[newbiensguy]

Oh. I'm surprised and confused. I had thought you two had already tried to do swinging, play in threesomes, share a partner, etc., and hadn't been able to click or match with anyone, so had decided to try dating individually instead. Am I wrong?

No, I'm not wrong. You wrote this in your OP:

No, we have never tried swinging and threesomes. We have just tried finding a good couple to do it with. (Sorry about the clumsy way that sentence was written. I was pretty drunk when I wrote it.)

As a matter of fact, neither one of us has had any previous sexual partners before our marriage. We've only had each other, hence our fascination with ENM and our wish to have sex with other people.

 

[Magdlyn]

No, we have never tried swinging and threesomes. We have just tried finding a good couple to do it with.

As a matter of fact, neither one of us has had any previous sexual partners before our marriage. We've only had each other, hence our fascination with ENM and our wish to have sex with other people.

So, since you've had issues with jealousy around your wife trying to date as an individual, you want to go back to that quest of trying to date casually as a couple. You want to have group sex with another couple, in a quad configuration, and you're going to keep putting the work into finding that couple, where you're attracted to the woman, and your wife is attracted to the man, and the man is attracted to your wife, and the woman is attracted to you, and maybe the men are also attracted to each other, and the women to each other, as well!

You can see that there are several requirements, several levels, of mutual attraction in that quad configuration. That is what makes it so hard to get everyone to line up properly. That is probably why you searched for years and couldn't find that perfect couple.

I am not sure what country you're in, but in the US, there are swinger websites where you can find people to hook up with. Of course, there are swinger clubs and events in many cities too. If this whole casual swinging-type sex is more taboo in your country, while I hear you want this, to seek to prevent jealousy, you might be back to searching for years, again... And if your search proves fruitless, perhaps you will find it necessary to undo your monogamous programming and learn to let go and date as individuals. You tried. Maybe you weren't ready yet.

Either way, I sympathize with the issue you both have of wanting to experience having sex with more than one person for the rest of your life.