Male in lifestyle, jealousy, etc.

[newbiensguy]

Comparison is the thief of happiness. For cock size, doubly so.

I wanted to try to address this in a way that's constructive to your situation... by way of reframing comparisons.

Sure, it's a big confidence boost to men to be objectified like that over other men, but that's called "downward comparison" and is done at the expense of others. In this case, it's unearned. You're born with the bone you got. You sound like you have a perfectly average cock and are objectively larger than a lot of guys already. Take pride in that. But if you are obsessed with wishing you were an outlier on the higher end, instead of "stuck" in the middle with all those other cocks, that worry is going to sap your confidence. You can't change your penis size, so put down the tape measure and close the browser tabs full of lies about enlargement. Women can smell penis envy on a guy from a mile away and it's a pretty universal turn-off.

My advice... own and master yourself. Meditate on your thoughts, feel the insecurity, take a deep breath, and then let the thought pass like a floating cloud. Keep breathing from there with a clear mind, and your body will learn to let the insecurities and the anxiety go. This is great for all manner of jealous thoughts, but it takes practice. Took me almost 8 months to master this in my situation.

You are perfect the way you are. Develop your confidence. You sound like you have a nice Hephaestus-vibe going on, despite your insecurities. Lean into that.

Consider that your partner is keeping you around despite the cocks she has to pick from. You clearly give her something she doesn't get elsewhere. Maybe that's sensitivity, loyalty, and security. So what if you don't have a monster dong? This is just another side of the "can't be everything to everyone". Neither can the hung guys. In the non-mono world, if you're in her life, you're here because she WANTS you here. Take comfort in that.

Consider that the size queens simply aren't all they're cracked up to be. Even a 7.5-8 incher is going to feel inadequate when a queen's eyes start looking for bigger. And if you're honest about what you are with a hookup and she blocks you on 4th Down and Inches... SHE doesn't deserve what YOU have to offer. So, bone up on your self-respect and be prepared to let those kind of women go, perhaps with more poise and grace than they afforded you. Be the "bigger man", ironically if necessary. And it's not all great for the owners of big cocks either. Sure, they get more attention... and sky-high expectations. If men think a bigger cock will solve all their problems, what about the women who think a guy with a bigger cock will solve all their problems, too? How many women might be looking for an average cock for their next partner after a bad experience with the self-absorbed owner of a leviathan? (This is a poly forum after all, and there's more to a good relationship than sex.)

If you're looking for more female attention... level up your oral game. There's a well-known "orgasm gap" between the sexes, and women aren't getting enough. Most women do not come from PIV intercourse. Across my five partners, I've only seen it in two. That jives with most statistics on the matter, even trending toward me being a little lucky to have seen it more frequently. (Oh, and in terms of "luck", I'm packing about as much as you are.) Focusing on your oral technique can add "inches" to your "total package". I recommend Ian Kerner's "She Comes First". He wrote that after feeling crippling shame at his premature ejaculation and ended up penning what's one of the best treatises on the subject.

Furthermore, cultivate your gratitude. Be grateful for the good things in your life instead of thinking about the things you don't have. Think about what fills your heart, hold that thought in mind... and then SMILE at the thought and fill your heart with the warm light of gratitude. That can be the basis of your self-confidence, which will turn around into attractive outward confidence.

And finally... if you want to have a bigger cock... have someone else's bigger cock. I'm serious. You seem like you're already leaning in that direction, though you have trouble finding a good match. When you do find a nice big cock attached to a partner, appreciate it, be happy its owner has something special (compersion anyone?), and appreciate its owner is sharing it with you. I remember seeing a guy with a real monster at the club last time we went. I mean, geez... that poor woman looked uncomfortable. I also remember feeling a little flustered myself, thinking it would be nice to play with. I was just happy to know he had that extra blessing. (I also suspect he was a professional the club owners called in to add some extra action to the open bed area. See, even this has the potential for perception distortion.)

Thank you for your response and compassion. Now to add to my anxiety even more, I have just learnt a new word, "size queen." Good lord, in my scary, distorted and hyper-imagination, she is going to become a size queen. She clearly is looking for sizes bigger than mine! I'm a mess again! Going for a bottle of Sangria now!

 

[newbiensguy]

Comparison is the thief of happiness. For cock size, doubly so.

I wanted to try to address this in a way that's constructive to your situation... by way of reframing comparisons.

Sure, it's a big confidence boost to men to be objectified like that over other men, but that's called "downward comparison" and is done at the expense of others. In this case, it's unearned. You're born with the bone you got. You sound like you have a perfectly average cock and are objectively larger than a lot of guys already. Take pride in that. But if you are obsessed with wishing you were an outlier on the higher end instead of "stuck" in the middle with all those other cocks, that worry is going to sap your confidence. You can't change your penis size, so put down the tape measure and close the browser tabs full of lies about enlargement. Women can smell penis envy on a guy from a mile away and it's a pretty universal turn-off.

My advice... own and master yourself. Meditate on your thoughts, feel the insecurity, take a deep breath, and then let the thought pass like a floating cloud. Keep breathing from there with a clear mind, and your body will learn to let the insecurities and the anxiety go. This is great for all manner of jealous thoughts, but it takes practice. Took me almost 8 months to master this in my situation.

You are perfect the way you are. Develop your confidence. You sound like you have a nice Hephaestus-vibe going on, despite your insecurities. Lean into that.

Consider that your partner is keeping you around despite the cocks she has to pick from. You clearly give her something she doesn't get elsewhere. Maybe that's sensitivity, loyalty, and security. So what if you don't have a monster dong. This is just another side of the "can't be everything to everyone". Neither can the hung guys. In the non-mono world, if you're in her life, you're here because she WANTS you here. Take comfort in that.

Consider that the size queens simply aren't all they're cracked up to be. Even a 7.5-8 incher is going to feel inadequate when a queen's eyes start looking for bigger. And if you're honest about what you are with a hookup and she blocks you on 4th Down and Inches... SHE doesn't deserve what YOU have to offer. So, bone up on your self-respect and be prepared to let those kind of women go, perhaps with more poise and grace than they afforded you. Be the "bigger man", ironically if necessary. And it's not all great for the owners of big cocks either. Sure, they get more attention... and sky-high expectations. If men think a bigger cock will solve all their problems, what about the women who think a guy with a bigger cock will solve all their problems, too? How many women might be looking for an average cock for their next partner after a bad experience with the self-absorbed owner of a leviathan. (This is a poly forum after all, and there's more to a good relationship than sex.)

If you're looking for more female attention... level up your oral game. There's a well-known "orgasm gap" between the sexes, and women aren't getting enough. Most women do not come from PIV intercourse. Across my five partners, I've only seen it in two. That jives with most statistics on the matter, even trending toward me being a little lucky to have seen it more frequently. (Oh, and in terms of "luck", I'm packing about as much as you are.) Focusing on your oral technique can add "inches" to your "total package". I recommend Ian Kerner's "She Comes First". He wrote that after feeling crippling shame at his premature ejaculation and ended up penning what's one of the best treatises on the subject.

Furthermore, cultivate your gratitude. Be grateful for the good things in your life instead of thinking about the things you don't have. Think about what fills your heart, hold that thought in mind... and then SMILE at the thought and fill your heart with the warm light of gratitude. That can be the basis of your self-confidence, which will turn around into attractive outward confidence.

And finally... if you want to have a bigger cock... have someone else's bigger cock. I'm serious. You seem like you're already leaning in that direction, though you have trouble finding a good match. When you do find a nice big cock attached to a partner, appreciate it, be happy it's owner has something special (compersion anyone?), and appreciate its owner is sharing it with you. I remember seeing a guy with a real monster at the club last time we went. I mean, geez... that poor woman looked uncomfortable. I also remember feeling a little flustered myself, thinking it would be nice to play with. I was just happy to know he had that extra blessing. (I also suspect he was a professional the club owners called in to add some extra action to the open bed area. See, even this has the potential for perception distortion.)

Btw, what does it mean to have a "Hephaestus-vibe"? I know who Hephaestus is in Greek mythology, but I'm kinda missing the meaning of the term.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. Others have addressed the online app thing. I'll address anxiety management/coping.

But at the same time, when I see how many matches she gets, with the guys who I find to be better looking than me, and better endowed than me (btw, I am 6 inches, 6'2, very fit, swimmer), my mind just goes insane, and I want it all to stop, I become jealous, anxious, nervous, and currently, while I am writing this, I am drowning my anxiety in red wine.

Good.

• You identified the behavior.
• You identified what feelings ensue after you do that behavior.
• You identified what you want to have happen. You don't want to feel all this stuff to this degree or at all.
• You listed what you tried for coping at first.

Will you also be changing your behavior? Will you STOP looking at her stuff, to see if that goes any better for you?

The reason why I don't hit the button is just the fact that I love my wife, I want to make her happy, and I can clearly see that she is really into banging him, she told something like "I'm gonna tear him apart when I grab him", which gave me a strange mix of jealousy and compersion (if that's the correct word).

• New behavior wife did.
• How you felt experiencing that.
• What would you like to have happen, for her to STOP talking like that around you?

Actually, it was me who asked, she was very considerate of what information she was going to share. It was me who asked, and I'd say it was a mistake, because it just keeps triggering my anxiety all over again. I ask her how it's going, and she is like "Fucking great. I found this awesome dude!" and I just can't help myself but ask her to be more specific, after which it hits me, the amount of cortisol starts building up, I can't eat, I can hardly get a boner, and I can't even do the half of my usual swimming sessions.

Are you and your wife being TOO casual with each other right now? Is the way you talk to each other aggravating your stress/anxiety? Do you need more formal manners, more care, more consideration, and not just "letting it all hang out," like you used to in the past?

If you ask how it's going, she could say it's going fine, but leave effusive evaluations out of it, such as "fucking great" and "awesome dude," because then you start comparing. You also have to work on NOT comparing, but she could not contribute to it by dialing down the emotional volume on her words. Have you requested this?

Hearing about how many matches, looking at pix of her matches, talking about dick size, how much she wants to bang the potential, etc., none of that is necessary for maintaining your shared agreements around safer sex practices.

And hearing this much this soon, when you are a newbie, is driving to you drink and distress, and thoughts about beating the guy up. You are on an emotional roller coaster.

It's fine to have a drink now and then, but I don't think that's a sustainable way to get through this change and cope with anxiety. Maybe you want a doc check up, to ask about sleep meds or anxiety meds, if that would be appropriate in your case.

Having open communication with wife is good, but oversharing is not.

Maybe you two, or just you alone, would want to talk to a counselor experienced in non-monogamy, to help support you through this transition and have a safe person OUTSIDE the system to talk to.

YMMV, but you could try:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Even if you both wanted this change, so both could date others for casual sex, it sounds like you first thought about swinging, so at least you'd be doing it together. Maybe you thought that would mitigate the stress. But now you two are going to date separately because the swinging didn't pan out, and this new change is barely a week in. Of COURSE it's going to be stressful. Neither of you has shared sex with a new partner yet, so it's DOUBLY stressful. It's not just "the first time with Dude," but "the first time ever."

If you two were together and exclusive for a long time, that chapter is ending, and you might be grieving about having been her one and only for so long. Could that be part of it?

Good lord, in my scary, distorted and hyper imagination, she is going to become a size queen. She clearly is looking for the sizes bigger than mine! I'm a mess again! Going for a bottle of Sangria now!

I could be wrong, but you sound like you are "kidding, but not kidding." I don't know if you are only doing it here to vent, or actually doing that in real life with your wife. If you are doing that in real life with her, I think you could stop doing that. Consider being honest with her, without the kidding. You have enough going on here without adding THAT to the pile. It can lead to miscommunication, or your wife perceiving you as "not taking things seriously" or "acting like the class clown." Or she might think you ARE only kidding and then not realize you are in pain at all, or will see the depth of your pain. Don't make her "dig" or "read between the lines."

As for dicks, people can buy them. You can be a 3 dick dude, if you want-- put on two thigh harnesses and whatever color/size dildo you want on them.

The idea that men are only as good "as their wallet and their dick" is something you might have to unpack and let go of, if you've bought into that.

Go easier on yourself and be kinder to yourself. This is ONLY the first week. Breathe.

Perhaps reading Polysecure would help you. The first ⅔ of the book is about attachment styles and coping. There's a workbook now. There's also a Jealousy Workbook by Labriola.

As for the teeth -- what about talking to a dentist/orthodontist to see if braces or invisible braces are appropriate for you? It might take time to save up the money, but you could at least get a ballpark figure.

Galagirl

 

[EldritchDucky]

Btw, what does it mean to have a "Hephaestus-vibe"? I know who Hephaestus is in Greek mythology, but I'm kinda missing the meaning of the term.

Hephaestus was the Greek god of fire, blacksmithery, and craft. He wasn't exactly pretty and commonly is depicted with a deformity, as you describe your teeth, but he was an artisan and craftsman to the gods. Despite his challenges, he was skilled at his work, and I regard him as a manly figure who owns his circumstances to great effect.

He was arranged to be married to Aphrodite, to her dismay, and as a result, she was unfaithful to him (as many of the Olympians were). Eventually, they divorce and in some traditions, he remarries Aglaia, the "brilliant, shining one".

He and Athena shared a bond of sorts, both being deities of craft and even had a sort of shared center of worship in Athens.

 

[Evie]

Thank you for your response and compassion. Now to add to my anxiety even more, I have just learnt a new word, "size queen". Good lord, in my scary, distorted and hyper-imagination, she is going to become a size queen, she clearly is looking for the sizes bigger than mine! I'm a mess again! Going for a bottle of Sangria now!

Wow, dude, were you *trying* to miss the point of the rest of the post?!

I've had a lot of sex and a lot of partners. IMO, two things make great sex: someone who can be really present in the energy of the moment and merges that sexual energy with my own for a truly shared sense of arousal. And someone who is unafraid to use their hands/fingers and listen and respond to the cues I'm giving them with my own body. Dick size is extremely irrelevant to great sex (unless you're beyond the third standard deviation in either direction). Being present in the moment with your partner (not just with yourself...) is key.

For me, and for many women I've spoken to, the dick is best as the finale, not all three acts (theatre reference). And if you're both keen on the quickie, the best ones of those are when the sexual tension has been building for some time beforehand and it's just a small thing that tips it over the edge into that shared arousal.

And if you're still hung up on size, your hand will always be bigger than a dick.

Second, she found a guy who matches all of her criteria, and that is 99% the guy she is gonna do the one night-stand with. He is pretty much like me, long haired, bearded, my height, just less muscular, dick slightly bigger than mine, and from my wife's story, he looks like a cool person.

WHY is she telling you this? Why are you asking?

she told something like "I' m gonna tear him apart when I grab him", which gave me a strange mix of jealousy and compersion (if that's the correct word).

So amidst all this jealousy, you're still finding that you can be supportive. You're possibly even finding it erotic to hear her plans? Are you thinking about how you will "reclaim" her when she is back home from her adventures? This is a very normal response if it is indeed what you are experiencing. Are you going to harness your jealousy and redirect the intensity of emotion into arousal? Also normal. Human beings are designed to feel emotions, it's directly linked to the endocrine system, and that's just how bodies/brains work.

 

[newbiensguy]

Thank you all for your responses and all the support you gave me! You all seem like a really nice and decent people who would be a good friends.

I think I've made up my mind. I will endure the pain and jealousy and all the other stuff once or twice. I'll let her have her fun. (She is great spouse and she deserves it.) Then I'll try to have my fun with some cute twink, or maybe even one of my fellow swimmers. (He is gay and clearly showed some affection for me, if he really likes me at all, and wasn't just playing around.)

After all of that, we go the swinging route, and that's the furthest I am willing to go. No more open relationships and separate arrangements. I am just not that strong, and it's not what I am! I press the button, hoping it's not going to be an AZ-5. Cheers to all, btw!

 

[newbiensguy]

Wow, dude, were you *trying* to miss the point of the rest of the post?!

I've had a lot of sex and a lot of partners. IMO, two things make great sex: someone who can be really present in the energy of the moment and merges that sexual energy with my own for a truly shared sense of arousal. And someone who is unafraid to use their hands/fingers and listen and respond to the cues I'm giving them with my own body. Dick size is extremely irrelevant to great sex (unless you're beyond the third standard deviation in either direction). Being present in the moment with your partner (not just with yourself...) is key.

For me, and for many women I've spoken to, the dick is best as the finale, not all three acts (theatre reference). And if you're both keen on the quickie, the best ones of those are when the sexual tension has been building for some time beforehand and it's just a small thing that tips it over the edge into that shared arousal.

And if you're still hung up on size, your hand will always be bigger than a dick.


WHY is she telling you this? Why are you asking?


So amidst all this jealousy, you're still finding that you can be supportive. You're possibly even finding it erotic to hear her plans? Are you thinking about how you will "reclaim" her when she is back home from her adventures? This is a very normal response if it is indeed what you are experiencing. Are you going to harness your jealousy and redirect the intensity of emotion into arousal? Also normal. Human beings are designed to feel emotions, it's directly linked to the endocrine system, and that's just how bodies/brains work.

I told her not to tell me a thing, except when she is ready to go into action. You have a point, I don't need to know, and I shouldn't know the details.

 

[EldritchDucky]

You're possibly even finding it erotic to hear her plans? Are you thinking about how you will "reclaim" her when she is back home from her adventures? This is a very normal response if it is indeed what you are experiencing. Are you going to harness your jealousy and redirect the intensity of emotion into arousal? Also normal. Human beings are designed to feel emotions, it's directly linked to the endocrine system, and that's just how bodies/brains work.

Yes, this! I fantasize about reclaiming my wife if she ever got on board with ENM. If you use arrangements like this to inject tension into the relationship, it only works if you relieve that tension. I imagine the first few times you're relieving jealousy, but it eventually changes into something you can rely on for a unique shared joy. That's how I envision developing my own personal sense of compersion.

But she has to be on board and play her part in reclaiming, too.

 

[newbiensguy]

Evie said:
"You're possibly even finding it erotic to hear her plans? Are you thinking about how you will "reclaim" her when she is back home from her adventures? This is a very normal response if it is indeed what you are experiencing. Are you going to harness your jealousy and redirect the intensity of emotion into arousal? Also normal. Human beings are designed to feel emotions, it's directly linked to the endocrine system, and that's just how bodies/brains work."

No, not like that. It doesn't turn me on. I don't fantasize about reclaiming, or whatever. I just feel a brief moment of happiness for her.

 

[Bobbi]

And if you're still hung up on size, your hand will always be bigger than a dick

Truth

 

[newbiensguy]

Truth

Well, from the purely rational point of view, you all have a valid point, the size is not everything. Communication with a partner is important, mastering the oral game is a must, we can use hands and toys, etc. It is rational, but the male complexes when it comes to dick size (and all the other fears, anxiety, jealousy) come from the irrational, affective side of our personalities, and we just can't switch it off with any rational argument. I mean, it's not as easy as it might seem. For example, the same goes for depression. A depressed person can't just stop being depressed if you give her a rational argument not to be depressed. It takes time, therapy, medications sometimes, etc.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, from the purely rational point of view, you all have a valid point. Size is not everything. Communication with a partner is important, mastering the oral game is a must, we can use hands and toys, etc. It is rational, but the male complexes when it comes to dick size (and all the other fears, anxiety, jealousy) come from the irrational, affective side of our personalities, and we just can't switch it off with a rational argument. I mean, it's not as easy as it might seem. For example, the same goes for depression. A depressed person can't just stop being depressed if you give her a rational argument not to be depressed. It takes time, therapy, medications sometimes, etc.

It's not the same as depression. Men learn to think big cocks are always better, just as women used to think big boobs were always better, and now we're being brainwashed into thinking we gotta have big juicy asses and get Brazilian butt lifts (very dangerous surgery). It's all just bullshit. Beauty and elegance and usefulness come in all sizes and shapes. Just keep telling yourself that. Better yet, experience it. You sound insecure from lack of experience, and maybe watching too much porn, where actors are more likely to be hired if they're bigger than average and can cum buckets... Porn is (mostly) made for the male gaze. ALL women do not automatically prefer larger dicks. Some women do, many don't. Most women are not dating dicks. They are dating men. Dicks are just part of the ... package.

You may need time AND therapy if your self-confidence in dating is so tied to being the owner of an average-sized penis. But I think just getting out there and enjoying sex with women and men who will be perfectly satisfied with your average size, combined with the (more important) bedroom skills you have or can develop would work better.

 

[newbiensguy]

It's not the same as depression. Men learn to think big cocks are always better, just as women used to think big boobs were always better, and now we're being brainwashed into thinking we gotta have big juicy asses and get Brazilian butt lifts (very dangerous surgery). It's all just bullshit. Beauty and elegance and usefulness come in all sizes and shapes. Just keep telling yourself that. Better yet, experience it. You sound insecure from lack of experience, and maybe watching too much porn, where actors are more likely to be hired if they're bigger than average and can cum buckets... Porn is (mostly) made for the male gaze. ALL women do not automatically prefer larger dicks. Some women do, many don't. Most women are not dating dicks. They are dating men. Dicks are just part of the ... package.

You may need time AND therapy if your self-confidence in dating is so tied to being the owner of an average-sized penis. But I think just getting out there and enjoying sex with women and men who will be perfectly satisfied with your average size, combined with the (more important) bedroom skills you have or can develop would work better.

I didn't say it was literally the same as depression. It was just to illustrate my point. I was more referring to the fact that all mental illnesses, states of mind, complexes, phobias, etc. are per se irrational. They come from the irrational and can't be beaten that easily by simple rational arguments.

You are correct about everything you say. I am not questioning your arguments. I am just saying that your arguments don't work on my subconsciousness. I can't suppress my intrusive thoughts. I can't make myself feel different emotions by the strength of logic.

Btw, in this state of mind, dating anybody is not a good option for me. I'm a mess and I need to fix myself first, because I would look and act desperate, and that is exactly what I need to avoid when dating. But, on the other hand, it is a circulus vitiosus, sort of, because some nice warm gentle communication with some person (with the prospect of eventually meeting) would be helpful.

I don't know, today at least I made myself hit the rough swim set, and I didn't drink wine, so all-in-all, the day was not that bad.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad to hear today has been a relatively good one. Keep us posted.

 

[newbiensguy]

Btw, here's an off-topic question for you all: how would you describe my English language skills, written ones, of course? As for me, I feel very confident using English, and I am almost always able to articulate my thoughts and form sentences and comments.

 

[ref2018]

Btw, offtopic question for you all. How would you describe my English language skills, written ones ofcourse? As for me, I feel very confident using English, and I am almost always able to articulate my thoughts and form a sentences and comments.

I edit text by both native and non-native English speakers for a living and you can be sure that your written English is a great deal better than that of the majority of native speakers (at least in the US).

 

[Magdlyn]

I didn't say it was literally the same as depression. It was just to illustrate my point. I was more referring to the fact that all mental illnesses, states of mind, complexes, phobias, etc. are per se irrational. They come from the irrational and can't be beaten that easily by simple rational arguments.

I wasn't "rationally arguing" with you, however. And I don't agree that your focus on being too small is irrational. It is rational! It is based on certain cultural expectations about the "correct" size and shape and style of a penis (or on some traumatizing personal experiences, for all I know). Large dicks, big showy ones, are good for porn, for that money shot. They look impressive. They SCREAM masculinity. Do they feel better? Do all women want them? No, not really. Sometimes, maybe. Maybe your wife is just curious for something different. She might actually get with a bigger guy and find intercourse with him painful, or find him to be an unimaginative lover, or selfish, etc.

Example: in ancient Greece, on full-grown men, tiny penises with long foreskins were popular. A large erect penis with the foreskin pulled back was seen as ridiculous and was mocked in art. (Now, M/M anal intercourse was quite the thing back then, so there's no wonder a smaller penis was popular...) I remember as a kid going to museums and wondering why Greek sculptures and vases painted with nudes showed tall muscular men with tiny childlike penises. That was the style. Today we've gone the opposite way. Meanwhile, penises STILL come in an array of sizes, styles and shapes, just as they always did.

You are correct about everything you say. I am not questioning your arguments. I am just saying that your arguments don't work on my subconsciousness. I can't suppress my intrusive thoughts. I can't make myself feel different emotions by the strength of logic.

No one is asking you to suppress your feelings. Feel your feelings as much as you need to. You are trying to suppress them with alcohol. I don't recommend that.

I recommend looking, deeply and courageously, at why you're so hung up about dick size. Maybe there is even some trauma there.

Btw, in this state of mind, dating anybody is not a good option for me. I'm a mess and I need to fix myself first, because I would look and act desperate, and that is exactly what I need to avoid when dating. But, on the other hand, it is a circulus vitiosus, sort of, because a nice warm gentle communication with some person (with the prospect of eventually meeting) would be helpful.

And here is your contradiction. Avoid dating or try doing it and see what happens? You mentioned phobias up there. You don't cure a phobia by avoiding the trigger. You heal it by exposure therapy, by making yourself face the thing you fear, a little bit at a time, until it loses its power.

You're a mess. You feel desperate to date, while fearing your own "inadequacy," and feeling envy of your wife's dating prospects' penises. It's fine to keep posting here to get to the root of these issues. That's what this board is for.

I don't know, today at least I made myself hit the rough swim set, and I didn't drink wine, so all-in-all, the day was not that bad.

Good.

 

[Bobbi]

I can't make myself feel different emotions by the strenght of logic

No, but you can change your thoughts, which do impact your emotions. Don't try to say to yourself something that you don't believe though. That never works. Changing the thought, "I have ugly crooked teeth," to, "I have beautiful teeth," won't make you feel better about your teeth… because you recognize it as a lie. Instead, think of a thought that's true, but not negative, like, "I have all of my teeth." It's positive and not a lie.

It might seem minor, but making that small change will make you feel differently about your teeth, and over time you can change it more positively as your feelings become more positive. Same goes for your cock. Say, "My cock gives her pleasure." It's true and has nothing to do with size.

The only reason I said cock size doesn't matter is because some men have never heard this and have been programmed differently. I wasn't trying to change your mind, just let you know, from a woman, that its not the story you should have in your head, because, as Magdlyn says, “Most women are not dating dicks, they are dating men.”

 

[ref2018]

as Magdlyn says, “Most women are not dating dicks, they are dating men.”

The thing is, some people might not be aware that Mags has a larger-than-average vagina, so take everything she says with that in mind.

 

[Albert Ross]

Dicks are just part of the ... package.

What you did. It is there. And I see it.