Maybe Help Me Talk It Out...

ObiRobKenobi

ObiRobKenobi

New member
Good morning All,

My name's Rob. I dropped an intro post in the Introduction section. My wife and I have been in an open relationship for the last 4 years but this is the first time since we opened our relationship that I've considered venturing out. I'm still just not sure about all of my feelings around this though and I hope getting them out in writing might help me and I'm sure you all have seen all sorts and can provide some advice. I never know how much to share and I've spent all day writing and re-writing this post. I brought it to the Blog section so I think I'm going to go with the long version.

A little more backstory, I suppose. I'm 37. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8. Let's call her Kate. Kate and I opened our relationship 4 years ago. This was something that was initially done in support of her. Sometime into our relationship, she opened up about thinking she was attracted to women as well as men. We speculated about which of our friends she found attractive and which one's she'd be most interested in "hooking up" with or having a, very theoretical, threesome with. Neither of us ever really saw this as more than just idle fantasizing though. I saw it as a pretty safe way for her to explore her burgeoning thoughts and sexuality. For a long time that's all it was.

Kate's always had strong relationships with remote friends. Even prior to us being together, she's always been a big social media user and has made many lasting relationships with people she only knows remotely. This brings us to Lori, Kate's first ever paramour after me. Lori was an internet friend that Kate had grown very, very close to. They had an opportunity to visit about 5 years ago and even then I felt their bond was very strong. I mentioned this to Kate at the time but we had never discussed polyamory or considered it. Kate waved off my observations as me misinterpreting what was just a good friendship. A few months later, Lori moved to our town for a job opportunity. Kate and Lori remained very close and I definitely still had my thoughts on how deep their relationship seemed but took Kate's word that this was all in my head.

This was all in early 2020. Not long after Lori started their job, the pandemic reached the US and the lockdowns began. We all 3 lost our jobs and Lori ended up moving in with Kate and me. They lived with us for about 3 months until they were able to return home, once some of the lockdowns started to ease and we all knew a bit more about the virus. Kate & Lori were closer than ever and just a couple of months after that Kate was travelling to Lori's hometown to meet them up there, still just officially as friends.

While Kate was on this trip, I stumbled across messages they'd shared with each other that were quite explicit. While the messages seemed to be exchange in some amount of fun, it was very clear there was a sexual nature developing in their relationship. Once Kate returned home, I confronted her about them and she still insisted that this was perfectly normal behavior between girls and that there was nothing deeper going on.

Less than a month after this, we must be in October by now, Kate came to me and admitted that she did have feelings for Lori and that she was in capital L love with them. This was an interesting time because it was the first official indication Kate had made about real feelings for someone of the same sex. We talked about what that meant for us, and what that meant for them, and we came to a decision that Kate would be able to carry on a partnership with Lori and with me at the same time. Around this time, Kate also began to identify as pansexual.

It was obviously a big adjustment, and I supported Kate all the way through it. I realized that ultimately, I still wanted the same thing I did the day I married her, for her to be happy. Lori obviously made her happy and that was fine by me. The biggest struggle for me, initially, was that Kate was not immediately about her new orientation nor were we out about opening our relationship. I did speak to a therapist about this sometime in the first few months just to have someone to talk to about it and that helped. Kate & Lori kept up their relationship, long distance, for close to 18 months. Lori made a few trips to visit down here in the time they were LDR and Kate made a few trips up there. A little over two years ago, Lori moved in with us. This was done with a full discussion between Kate and I. I was supportive and even encouraging towards it.

Once Lori moved in, I feel like the three of us fell into a good dynamic. Lori and I get along and have some overlapping hobbies so we enjoy spending time together. Kate & Lori slowly began to open up to people about their orientations and the nature of their relationship. There's still some people they're not out to yet but most of our closest friends are all aware. Kate & Lori had their ups-and-downs once the NRE wore off but they're still together even now. There have been times either Lori or myself have discussed getting separate partners from Kate but I don't think either of us have ever taken it far. I know I haven't.

Recently, a long time friend of Kate and me - we'll call her Nyla - came back into our lives in a way she hadn't been for a few years. Nyla was actually one our first friends to start pressing me on the issue of seeing other people. She was worried that I was getting the short end of the stick, not seeking any new partners. I assured her I was as free as Kate to see someone if I wanted but that I just hadn't had any desire to seek anyone else out.

Seeing the new relationship dynamic that we were in prompted Kate and Nyla to re-think their relationship. It didn't take either of them long to realize that the deep friendship they've always had could be even deeper. After talking about it for a few weeks, they both agreed to date. With this, I couldn't be more thrilled. Nyla was one of the girls Kate used to mention when she'd discuss her feelings about girls she could see herself being with so this felt very natural.

This is a very new development and the two of them haven't spent near as much time together as a couple as Kate and Lori or Kate and I have. I look forward to seeing what sort of relationship they end up developing though as Nyla has always been an important friend to us for the last 10 years.

Wow. That was a lot and I'm sure there was some of it I didn't do justice. For the sake of reading, I'll continue in the next post. I want to talk a little bit about why I'm finally starting to consider stepping out some myself.
 
Last edited:
Hiya, would you mind editing to use nicknames rather than initials? It's a lot easier to track with nicknames.
 
Kate and I have always had a good relationship. I can't say we've ever really been in many "bad fights". We've certainly had our disagreements and we've both fucked up on many an occasion, but overall, I'd say our relationship has always been pretty smooth. We've always been very open in our communication and we discuss issues without fighting.

One area that we've struggled in for the last 5 years or so though, is our mismatched libidos. I frequently want more sex than K does. This challenge has waxed and waned throughout the last five years, even prior to talking about exploring polyamory. It actually got a lot better during the pandemic and the first year after opening our relationship. This was only temporary though and around the time Lori moved in, we hit another low point. This was challenging at first because, from what I could tell, this issue only affected one of Kate's relationships - ours. I did a lot of soul-searching and learned to define my relationship with Kate through other avenues. Sex did not have to be a priority for us.

Within the last year though, the nature of this mismatch seems to have changed. While I was concerned this was a one-sided mismatch, it's become clear that Kate & Lori have similar issues. Even Kate & Nyla, who initially talked about just hooking up and not actually starting a relationship, have not actually copulated. In discussing this with Kate, she's not sure what's going on. I've always wondered if her sexuality isn't just changing but she insists that's not it. She insists that she's still sexually attracted to each of her partners but that the very thought of sex right now just stresses her the fuck out.

Through no fault of anyone person, I have needs in this relationship that just aren't being filled. My wife and I have tried to work on them, we've even done a little bit of counseling, but I think at this point, it's clear we're just sort of in different places right now. I think there's a huge part of our relationship that we both still need. I'm still her anchor in a lot of ways and she's still mine. I don't have any interest in ending our relationship but I do think it's time for me to try explore finding other ways to meet those needs.

I think a part of the reason it's taken me so long to potentially explore polyamory for myself, is because I'm very unsure of how to really meet people anymore. It's always seemed like an awfully big hill to climb and I haven't really seen the point prior to this. Now though, things are a little different. I'm interested in a least trying to see if there's ways for me to find more fulfillment in other relationships out there. I'm just not really sure where to begin.

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8. Despite being almost the perfect age for online dating, I have zero experience with it. Prior to meeting my wife, I didn't date a bunch but any dating I did was with folks I met through school or work; or in the case of my wife, through mutual friends. Unfortunately, none of those avenues really are open to me anymore. I don't go to school anymore, my job isn't the kind of place where my peers are looking for relationships, and mutual friends are really just our friends and none of them are people I'm interested in. Beyond that, due to having built a whole life around time with my wife, I don't really have a ton of other communal places I could meet people.

And after all that, this brings us to the actual question I want to propose:

Any thoughts on how a man in his late 30s goes about meeting people open to a non-traditional, non-monogamous relationship in this day in age?
 
Hello Rob,

You can start by signing up for a couple of dating sites/apps; OKCupid and Feeld are often used. Next, see if there is a local poly group in your area. Google "polyamory" with the name of your state and/or the major city closest to you. Next, try some fringe events/get-togethers, such as Ren Faires, indie concerts, BDSM munches, sci-fi cons, that sort of thing. Whatever interests you. Meeting up with people (in real life) who have fringe interests, means meeting up with people who are more likely to be open to the concept of polyamory. Finally, just get out there and meet people, whether poly or otherwise. Take a class, join a club, do something that interests you. Get to know people as platonic friends. Discuss polyamory with them if there's an opening for it in the conversation. A platonic friendship may eventually lead to something more romantic. Have lots of patience.

Anyway those are some ideas,
Kevin T.
 
Wow, this was a lovely blog to read. Your care in composing it really shows.

It sounds like you and Kate negotiated opening your relationship really well. You also seem gifted with compersion, which is a huge bonus. Not all polyamorists develop that.

As far as differing libidos being a catalyst for branching out into poly-dating, I can relate. My long-term nesting partner Pixi's libido is quite low. Like Kate, she'd rather think about it than do it! During our first NRE she was a lot more into sex, and as a younger person, a teen/20s (before we met, but she's told me stories), she had more drive. Over the years (partly due to hormone changes, her anti-anxiety meds, and her ADHD), she's content with a quickie once a month.

Thank goddess we've been poly the whole time. One requirement I have in other partners is a good strong sex drive. Luckily I am pansexual, and most men/masc-identifying people have strong sex drives (at least younger men). My current male partner Aries is my match and it helps me so much. I can kiss and cuddle, talk, and have adventures with Pixi. She is perfect for me emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, politically (mostly), artistically; she is loyal, kind and supportive, perceptive and savvy in life skills. We also like certain femme girly things most guys wouldn't enjoy (except for some gays haha). Then, on the other hand, Aries and I are a great match in many ways, we have quite a few hobbies in common, he is strong, protective, helpful and romantic, and our sex/kink life is off the hook.

I hope you find what you're looking for!
 
I like to think we've handled the whole thing pretty well. It was certainly an adjustment at first but my initial reaction has kind of been my grounding point this whole time and that was "If she's in love this with person, who am I to deny her that?". I just can't imagine denying her this opportunity would have done anyone any good. I've struggled with jealousy a bit here and there. It can be easy to feel like one partner is getting more attention than me but I think we've developed a pretty strong habit of discussing these issues when they come up.

I greatly appreciate the support and encouragement. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm looking for and what that will be. It'll be a slow process that I'm going to very slowly wade into but I'm definitely going to be using Kevin's advice to look at potential opportunities in my area.

I'll be sure to keep you all updated! I'm sure I'll be back for plenty more advice!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top