Mentoring and Dating ENM Folks

Ostrich

Active member
This is me working on not assuming anything by asking questions.

I have seen a few posts online on a few social media sites about people mentoring and dating the same ENM folks. In other words, they are mentoring the same people they are dating in ENM/polyam.

From those posts, I gather that it's a no-no from an ethics standpoint, but I have not seen anyone go into details about why it's unethical. I am assuming (see?) that it's considered to be similar to a teacher dating a student (let's use a university setting as an example) or a lawyer/doctor dating one of their clients.

I had not considered this to be an issue until I saw those posts, so I thought I would ask folks on this board about their thoughts on mentoring while dating folks practicing ENM.
 
Hi Ostrich,

My personal opinion (and I could be wrong) is that mentoring/dating in ENM is not necessarily unethical, however it may cause problems. Such as, what if conflict arises between the mentor and the person they're dating? then the person they're dating will need to talk to someone about the conflict, but the person they would talk to first -- their mentor -- is involved in the conflict and as such can't be a disinterested third party. So the person being mentored could find a friend or therapist they could talk to when there's conflict. But if they're going to do that, do they really need the person they're dating to be their mentor? I hope I'm making sense.

I assume this theoretical issue is affecting you in some way. I hope my thoughts on the matter are of some help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
My opinion? Measured against my own personal ethics? No, thank you. I don't want any of that. I would not be into it for exactly that reason -- like teacher dating a student. It can create an unbalanced and unhealthy power dynamic.

I'm not talking about healthy power exchange like kink. There things are "unbalanced" on purpose not unbalanced for real. There's a wanted scene or a wanted dynamic that's actually been negotiated first. (And even in kink things can be unbalanced and unhealthy -- it is not immune to weirdos. )

Also not talking like learning from each other in relationship. It's ok to take a page from someone's book if you like how they handle themselves. But some kind of big deal teaching mentoring thing? Nope. Not someone's free therapist. Not someone's free mentor.

Say two spouses have relationship issues. Even if one of them WAS a legit marriage counselor, it's conflict of interest, best they go see a separate one, right? Not the one trying to coach the other one?

I'd be wondering why the person wants want ME to be their coach. Aren't there enough resources out there? Books, websites, support groups? Why aren't they doing their own education / personal work?

Like people who try to make the partner or spouse be like the new "mommy" or "daddy" rather than working on their own issues or doing their own thinking.... it's a total turn off to me.

Too weird. Like the newbie is all "teach me the ways" and the unethical partner (who they don't realize is unethical during NRE) is doing things to take advantage. How would the newbie know?

Or maybe the "teacher partner" is perfectly nice, but then the newbie is lazy in relating. They try to offload a bunch of inappropriate stuff on the teacher like "teach me the ways" but it's more like "I'm lazy, I want you to carry me, I'll feign ignorance so I can be coddled." If the teacher is blinded by NRE, how would they know this is not "teach me" but "let me be lazy?"

I think it is ok to be APPROPRIATELY supportive from the side like a partner. "Yay, you read a communications book to help you!" or "Yay! You did your group therapy this week!" or something.

But mentor the same person I am dating?

No, thanks. Not when it is about relationshipping. I'm IN the relationship.

Want me to teach you to knit? Alright. You can teach me how to bake GF bread. That's about sharing our hobbies then. Both sides are contributing something. Might not be the same things, but both contribute.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
So long as the "mentor" isn't the only influence on the person new to ENM then I honestly don't think it's realistic to tut-tut or worse, end the relationship over it. We (humans) naturally learn from the people we associate with, and if we're learning about relationship structure from them while dating them, it's because it's convenient. Sure, there's risks regarding power and control, but there's that in every relationship and I'd rather judge the relationship on it's own merits rather than on principle. Furthermore, it's quite easy in this day and age to not be isolated in the how to's of anything - the internet is a wealth of information and there are places where you can go for free (e.g. here, reddit, FL) or paid (there's quite a few "peer support" ENM services out there) that can add perspective and balance.

I agree with Kevin that issues around conflict need someone else to vent to and provide advice - preferably someone else who personally knows about ENM or at the minimum someone who is sympathetic to the situation rather than a knee jerk reaction against it.

But sure, date and learn from the same person so long as it's not actually abusive (and I don't believe abusive is the default setting).
 
Thank you Kevin, GG and Evie, I appreciate the feedback.

GG:
I'd be wondering why the person wants want ME to be their coach. Aren't there enough resources out there? Books, websites, support groups? Why aren't they doing their own education / personal work?
Or on the other side of the coin, the person meets a noob who could be a potential partner and then decides to be the mentor. Not only getting romantically involved with the 'student' but deciding they might need help practicing poly. And yes, I see the opportunity for the mentor to abuse the situation by indoctrinating a 'poly only works in the way I practice it, other ways are wrong, so you need to do as I do and say.'

This helps and I appreciate the insight and POV on other issues which could rise from mentoring and dating the same person.
 
You have the right idea Ostrich.

I want to add that every relationship is different and unique -- what works for one relationship, doesn't work for another. This is certainly true in ENM, and I would not rule out the mentoring thing for any one ENM relationship at least until I had a thorough understanding of how that particular relationship worked.
 
I would have to ask what you actually meant by "mentor"...

Like, is this a mutually agreed upon relationship structure or just a descriptor of how it worked out? Someone might refer to someone with more experiences as being their "mentor" in that they were educated and informed by their experiences interacting with that person and incorporated their ideas into their practice of "whatever" (poly, art, business, medicine, etc.) vs. a more officialy role in being assigned or choosing a mentor by an educational institution or other organization.

Is any experienced poly person interacting with any inexperienced poly person a "mentor"? I think NOT. Is it better for someone new to the idea of poly to only date other clueless newbies - so they can make ALL OF THE MISTAKES together? I don't think that is ideal either. Some of us have learned a thing or two as we have been around the block. The (theoretical, unethical) more experienced poly person MAY present themselves as an "expert" and take advantage of their supposed position of authority - but that is true in literally ALL relationships (and just as reprehensible). OR they may be able to bring prior experience into the mix (as may any mono) and try to navigate impending tranwrecks with less damage.

My opinion? NONE of us has figured this shit out enough to be a "polyamory expert". I don't care that you are 90 years old and have been practicing poly for 75 years, there is a 105 year old out there that has been poly since the beginning of time that thinks that you are "doing it wrong" ( you young whippersnapper!).

I don't think it is the "mentorship" that is the problem - it is manipulating vulnerable people for your own gain that makes you a bad person - in poly ... and EVERYTHING ELSE. If a "poly mentor" dissuades the "mentee" from seeking outside opinions, or coerces them into relationships that they don't want, or tells them that everyone else is "doing it wrong", or isolates them from accesss to other resources - THAT is abusive behavior (poly or not). Sharing your own experiences as cautionary tales? - informative and bond-building.
 
Jane:
Like, is this a mutually agreed upon relationship structure or just a descriptor of how it worked out? Someone might refer to someone with more experiences as being their "mentor" in that they were educated and informed by their experiences interacting with that person and incorporated their ideas into their practice of "whatever" (poly, art, business, medicine, etc.) vs. a more officialy role in being assigned or choosing a mentor by an educational institution or other organization.
In this case, it would be an informal arrangement, vs a formal agreed upon interaction. And thanks for parsing out the actual mentor-ship from the ulterior motives of said mentor. Not sure if you were actually requesting a response from me, but thought I would fill in the blanks and hope it helps.
 
While there is nothing wrong with teaching or learning from the person(s) you are involved with, but I think that for effective mentorship a certain "emotional distance" is necessary. GalaGirl raises a good point about the conflict of interest.
 
Back
Top