Might be starting a poly relationship soon, but need advice

T

TheBIGgrizz

New member
My bf and I have discussed it for a while. We're not really the "casual encounter" type, like we'd only consider a friend to join us. And so we did. The thought of the 3 of us cuddling and being in love makes my heart soar.

However, I'm not wanting to let my feelings get the best of me. Respect is utmost, and foremost on top of that? I care about her and want her to be happy. It's not a yes yet. She's assured me that the offer makes her feel special and loved. Even if it's a no, I'd hope we can remain friends. I prefer friendship over no relationship, you know? I think she's hesitant cause she's been monogamous, and I'd imagine she's equally worried about our friendships.

It's just been a particular silence. Not entirely, we still have small talks. But I feel like the three of us should discuss it to make things more clear, yet I fear that stating that would make me seem too pushy. For context, she'd broke up with a guy and because we'd waited before, my bf didn't want to wait. So I wasn't really there for the initial offer. I did talk to her and let her know that it was from both of us, as I'd worried it might have come across like him volunteering me or something? That's when she assured me she felt loved.

I realize this isn't very pointed, but... Does anyone have any advice? I don't know why I'm so worried and uneasy. Maybe I dislike this anticipatory state of not knowing, or as well, I just fear losing someone I care about. Is there a way to suggest the conversation without coming across pushy? I just want to do what's respectful, and it's hard when I'm worrying like this. Mind wants to shoot off into meaningless directions and ammo is limited, so it just goes nowhere and stresses me out more...
 
Hello TheBIGgrizz,

Actually I think it's a good idea to have regular (say, once a month, or once a week) discussions about what the relationship is, and how it is going. Talk about what if any needs have been going unmet, things like that. There's nothing pushy about wanting a little clarity. Is this a triad the three of you have? Are the three of you "an item?" These are things you need to know. Sit down with the other two, and have a talk about where things are, and what lies in the future.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
We recently had a thread where we discussed newly poly couples starting triads (and other types of poly). I recommend you read it and all the links people put in there for some idea about what your friend might be thinking about.


What exactly did you offer?
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I'll give it a look, thanks!
We basically just said that we were interested in her romantically, and if she wanted to become our gf, we'd be down. As well, if she wasn't, we're cool with staying friends. I did tell her as well that if she had any questions, we're available
 
TheBIGgrizz said:
I'll give it a look, thanks!
We basically just said that we were interested in her romantically, and if she wanted to become our gf, we'd be down. As well, if she wasn't, we're cool with staying friends. I did tell her as well that if she had any questions, we're available
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See for most people, there would be immediate questions like what is and isn't on the table. Marriage? Kids? Will you be in or out of the closet. These are just general poly questions but when you're in a triad, these things are arguably relevant a lot sooner.

When you and your boyfriend met each other, it would have been easier. You knew that one can generally assume there will be some sort of escalation towards living together, marriage and kids and stuff, unless either of you don't want some or all of those things. You'd have matched with each other based on being compatible in those areas.

That's what dating is about.

Maybe you're not saying but it doesn't seem like you've covered any of this ground with your friend. You have just had some physical intimacy than asked her to be your girlfriend.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
See for most people, there would be immediate questions like what is and isn't on the table. Marriage? Kids? Will you be in or out of the closet. These are just general poly questions but when you're in a triad, these things are arguably relevant a lot sooner.

When you and your boyfriend met each other, it would have been easier. You knew that one can generally assume there will be some sort of escalation towards living together, marriage and kids and stuff, unless either of you don't want some or all of those things. You'd have matched with each other based on being compatible in those areas.

That's what dating is about.

Maybe you're not saying but it doesn't seem like you've covered any of this ground with your friend. You have just had some physical intimacy than asked her to be your girlfriend.
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Oh no, we haven't had sex with her. We've been friends with her for years. We just thought she was sweet and cool, kinda just agreed to see if she might be interested.

I've already set about reading what you've sent, and I sent my bf a message saying that maybe we should talk about this. Basically how it would work. And once we've got that figured out, we can let her know that we're here if she has any questions. I think she's been asking another friend of ours who is already in a polycule, cause yea, we just kinda put the offer out there and didn't elaborate much. Probably why I've been so troubled, just needed some direction 😅

Edit: ah, and I mean for us to get our ideas collected while giving her some time to process. Again, I don't want to seem pressuring to someone who's been monogamous
 
TheBIGgrizz said:
Oh no, we haven't had sex with her. We've been friends with her for years. We just thought she was sweet and cool, kinda just agreed to see if she might be interested.

I've already set about reading what you've sent, and I sent my bf a message saying that maybe we should talk about this. Basically how it would work. And once we've got that figured out, we can let her know that we're here if she has any questions. I think she's been asking another friend of ours who is already in a polycule, cause yea, we just kinda put the offer out there and didn't elaborate much. Probably why I've been so troubled, just needed some direction 😅

Edit: ah, and I mean for us to get our ideas collected while giving her some time to process. Again, I don't want to seem pressuring to someone who's been monogamous
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Oh I originally read it as you'd had some "cuddling". I misread.

Absolutely you guys should have some talks together about how you want to open your relationship. But you have to be careful about presenting it too much as this "offer" she has to take or leave rather than her being an active part of the negotiations.

This is a blurry area because to some extent, we all present our availabilities as a "take or leave" situation to new partners. But it's wise to be mindful of how restrictive that can feel to other people.

What can be helpful for you to think about is what things you and your boyfriend cannot offer her that you could offer each other. For example, you might feel like you don't want to all live together because maybe your family will never understand or you want to keep that for "just you". But you also know that if you met your boyfriend and he said that you can never live together, you'd not be with him now.

This is particularly relevant where you envisage that you are in a closed triad, and she won't be dating other people.
 
An update here.

I've spoken with my bf and have calmed down a fair bit. You see, um... We had a conversation at one point. He brought up being interested in her, and I agreed it would be cool if she joined us. The conversation was "okay we're both interested" and "damn it's cool to be in a relationship where we can just discuss this". So when he went ahead and expressed our interest to her, it wasn't entirely unexpected... Just mostly? Like, I didn't know he was going to express interest just then. I get why, he wanted to put it out there lest we wait and she gets into another relationship. So that made my brain freak out. Like what does this mean? How do I feel about it? Why? Him? Her? And what does this even look like? Which just made my mind a fish out of water, if it was on cocaine and had brain damage. Super not functional. So I'm grateful that I finally decided to ask and do research, cause I wasn't getting anywhere trying to worry my way out of this.

So my bf and I finally spoke about what we're down for. It's not entirely a closed triad, we basically just agreed that not everyone has to be romantically interested in everyone - but everyone being friends and trusting one another is pretty important. More beyond that, but it's just so good actually having some picture to work with. However, the conversation has yet to happen with her. We basically just assured her that it isn't a "take it or leave it" or "our way or no way" thing, and if she has questions or wants to talk about it, we're here. Part of not wanting to come across pressuring. However as well, I think it's kinda hard to picture it fully without all 3 of us discussing things. Like I get the impression she thinks it's a closed triad or that it has to be both of us (we discussed a V if she only likes one of us and agreed that it would be fine). That's why she's been talking to our friend, I feel like she's trying to get an idea of how poly relationships work without really knowing what our thoughts are vs how his setup works.

So like, I guess while I've calmed down a good fair bit, I'm still worried on a level. Now I'm just questioning if I should bring up wanting to talk about it or still just let it be in her court.

Ah, and we've agreed its okay if she's not interested. We'll still be a bit hurt of course. But I'm fine so long as the friendship survives, and really, I just want her to be happy.

Edit: I know I said in the OP that we waited cause she got into a relationship, and then with it being unexpected now, that might need context? Like, I knew when and how with that one. We were on the same page. But I didn't expect it this time, I wasn't really there for him putting it out there. It went from "she's in a relationship" to "Hey babe btw, I told her we're interested" a bit out of nowhere, lol
 
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So you read the thread that I started about the dynamics of a triad? How there are seven relationships, both lovers and metamours. You're experiencing being your husband's metamour right now.

Couples often tend to think in "we" terms, and they think the unicorn will be "joining our relationship." Maybe it's becoming clearer that in this situation, there's less of a "we" couple-blob-think going on. Bf just "jumped the gun," and offered "both of us" (you were afraid it sounded too much like he was offering YOU) to Friend, and it surprised you and blew your mind.

This kind of thing will happen on a daily basis if he starts dating friend in a romantic way. He is interested in Friend. If she reciprocates, he and she will probably become infatuated and go through the intense interest in each other called New Relationship Energy. Even if Friend also has romantic or sexual interest in you, you will have to negotiate her NRE for Bf, your NRE for her, Bf's NRE for her, and her NRE for you. It gets real complicated, real fast. Each dyad needs its own space to grow.

There is no "we feel," "we think" this or that. It's much more realistic to think in terms of "me," "her," and "him," What do you want out of this? One evening date every other week? What does Bf want? A threesome date all weekend every weekend? What does Friend want? To date others and see Bf once a month and you once every other month? Or maybe she is short on rent, infatuated, and thinks moving in will help her financially, and (also infatuated) Bf says, Let's just move you in! And what if she and you remain platonic friends, but Bf and she want to have sex every night, and share a sleeping space often, as well?

If she's not into women, or just not into you, you will have to deal with feeling rejected as you watch her r'ship with your Bf grow and bloom. How will that feel? How will you feel about seeing them cuddle and kiss if you're not included?

Do you want kitchen table poly or parallel poly? What does Bf want? What does she want?

What if someone gets pregnant?

Etc. There are infinite ways it could work out. That's just the merest tip of the iceberg.

Has she even recovered from her breakup yet? Maybe she's not interested in dating anyone for a while, much less trying to date two members of a long-term couple right now.

Keep reading those links from the other thread. Get a hold of some poly books such as Opening Up, Designer Relationships, Polysecure. Do your research and have Husband do his, before this escalates further.
 
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Magdlyn said:
So you read the thread that I started about the dynamics of a triad? How there are seven relationships, both lovers and metamours. You're experiencing being your husband's metamour right now.

Couples often tend to think in "we" terms, and they think the unicorn will be "joining our relationship." Maybe it's becoming clearer that in this situation, there's less of a "we" couple-blob-think going on. Your husband "jumped the gun," and offered "both of us" (you were afraid it sounded too much like he was offering YOU) to Friend, and it surprised you and blew your mind.

This kind of thing will happen on a daily basis if he starts dating friend in a romantic way. He is interested in Friend. If she reciprocates, he and she will probably become infatuated and go through the intense interest in each other called New Relationship Energy. Even if Friend also has romantic or sexual interest in you, you will have to negotiate her NRE for your husband, your NRE for her, husband's NRE for her, and her NRE for you. It gets real complicated, real fast. Each dyad needs its own space to grow.

There is no "we feel," "we think" this or that. It's much more realistic to think in terms of "me," "her," and "him," What do you want out of this? One evening date every other week? What does Husband want? A threesome date all weekend every weekend? What does Friend want? To date others and see Husband once a month and you once every other month? Or maybe she is short on rent, infatuated, and thinks moving in will help her financially, and (also infatuated) Husband says, Let's just move you in! And what if she and you remain platonic friends, but Husband and she want to have sex every night, and share a sleeping space often as well?

If she's not into women or just not into you, you will have to deal with feeling rejected as you watch her r'ship with Husband grow and bloom. How will that feel? How will you feel about seeing them cuddle and kiss if you're not included?

Do you want kitchen table poly or parallel poly? What does Husband want? What does she want?

What if someone gets pregnant?

Etc. There are infinite ways it could work out. That's just the merest tip of the iceberg.

Has she even recovered from her breakup yet? Maybe she's not interested in dating anyone for a while, much less trying to date two members of a long term couple right now.

Keep reading those links from the other thread. Get a hold of some poly books such as Opening Up, Designer Relationships, Polysecure. Do your research and have Husband do his, before this escalates further.
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Yeah, this is why I've been hoping to have a group chat. I'm not wanting to push that the relationships have to happen, but us being aware of one another's boundaries and feelings seems really important. Like, communication and consideration come foremost, it seems like. And my bf and I went a decent while, where our interest was expressed by him, while not even he nor I had really gone into details with one another.

And yea, I just fear that she might have assumptions about what we mean by what's an undefined poly relationship (and we are too, a bit) and I truthfully don't know if she's over her relationship, or not.

That's why it's been so hard. None of us have really been communicating. My bf insists that "we'll talk to her when she expresses interest" and seems to assume her hesitation right now means she's probably not interested. But then how can she be interested if she doesn't know how open or closed it is, whether it's a triad or a V? We just haven't discussed anything.

It's just hard when I value my relationships and I know that communication is important, but the 3 of us just haven't talked things out.
 
Yes, and all that is why doing your research is so important. Tell Bf about this thread. Do more reading. Think about all the ways this could go.

Communication is key, as you understand. Bf isn't into communicating. He just went ahead and told Friend he (and you) were interested in a romantic r'ship. Now he refuses to find out more, and is just speculating. What if it's this? What if it's that?

That's no good and won't get you anywhere.
 
Just popped in to highlight that she might very well want to keep dating outside of you and/or him.

I get why, he wanted to put it out there lest we wait and she gets into another relationship.
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If this is so she would be able to let any other potential relationship partners know that she is practicing polyamory, sure. But I suspect he (and you) probably imagined that telling her this would "take her off the market". Have you and he talked about if he is wanting to be the only man she dates? This is known as a one penis policy, and it generally considered a sign of insecurity.
 
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Evie said:
Just popped in to highlight that she might very well want to keep dating outside of you and/or him.



If this is so she would be able to let any other potential relationship partners know that she is practicing polyamory, sure. But I suspect he (and you) probably imagined that telling her this would "take her off the market". Have you and he talked about if he is wanting to be the only man she dates? This is known as a one penis policy, and it generally considered a sign on insecurity.
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I think maybe he had that idea when he said it? I did advise him that while shes in the relationship to not say that kinda thing, as i figured it would be disrespectful. But then we again hadn't really discussed what we'd be down for yet. Part of why I freaked out, I wasn't sure of the details. It became a reality unexpectedly and a truckload of questions came at me. We've since spoken and said we're open about that. So like, if she wanted to date someone outside of either of us, I think we'd be alright with it? His general policy was that we get to know them too, but idk if she'd be into that. I can't really speak for my bf but I know getting into a poly relationship is a bit of a process & I'm not against a slow burn. It'll require a good bit of time and testing of waters anyway. So like, if she just wanted to continue seeking relationships or sex outside of us whilst still considering it, I'd understand.
 
TheBIGgrizz said:
I think maybe he had that idea when he said it? I did advise him that while she was in the relationship to not say that kinda thing, as i figured it would be disrespectful. But then again, we hadn't really discussed what we'd be down for yet.
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TheBIGgrizz said:
Part of why I freaked out was because I wasn't sure about the details. It became a reality unexpectedly and a truckload of questions came at me.
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TheBIGgrizz said:
We've since spoken and said we're open about that. Like, if she wanted to date someone outside of either of us, I think we'd be alright with it?
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You don't sound sure. The thing is, you can't proscribe a relationship shape, to anyone, just because you're a couple and planning all this out together. It takes three to tango, in this case. You can express your preferences, but Friend has every right to express hers, as well.

If you do want a unicorn who will promise to only date the two of you, and no one else, for the rest of time, well, all I can say is, good luck. And remember, people break promises around ideas that are too restrictive. Sometimes NRE can make us feel committed early on, but once it wanes, we realize we really aren't totally fulfilled. In this case, she's never dated a couple before (I guess?). So she doesn't understand what it would be like. Just like you two don't understand what it would be like to "share" one woman between you.

Again, before you even start negotiating with her, do a bunch more reading so you know what you're talking about and what you can actually reasonably offer her.
TheBIGgrizz said:
His general policy was that we get to know them too, but idk if she'd be into that.
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He doesn't get to set a "policy" for another autonomous human being. And yeah, he doesn't get to tell her he'd have to meet any of her other future lovers. A future lover might not WANT to meet him. They will have preferences too.

You both can say, "We prefer KTP. Does that appeal to you?" and she what she says.

If bf is insecure about her dating other men, it's on him to get over the jealousy hump (which often is NOT easy).
TheBIGgrizz said:
I can't really speak for my bf, but I know getting into a poly relationship is a bit of a process. I'm not against a slow burn. It'll require a good bit of time and testing of waters anyway. So like, if she just wanted to continue seeking relationships or sex outside of us, whilst still considering it, I'd understand.
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Magdlyn said:
You don't sound sure. The thing is, you can't proscribe a relationship shape, to anyone, just because you're a couple and planning all this out together. It takes three to tango, in this case. You can express your preferences, but Friend has every right to express hers, as well.
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I think the issue is that I keep talking and thinking in terms of "we"? Cause I'm really not sure I can state my bf's intentions or what he is/isn't okay with. I assume he'd be okay with her dating outside of us cause that's what we agreed for one another, but yea, I do think we need to talk more & that she be involved as well. Us expressing these things is what I kinda want rn, cause I've been wondering these things all at once. And I know we likely won't get into nitty-gritty details right away. Like I don't want to sit her down, in this situation, and ask if she wants marriage and kids and so on? That's good stuff to know, I mean, I just don't know about rushing things.

Lots of decent points in this thread. I may have to apologize to both of them for putting out my assumptions or speaking on their behalf? But I do think us talking about these details over time & researching into poly relationships would be wise before we ever plan on getting carried away. One step at a time kinda deal? But I might just make them aware of this thread, or the things brought up therein.
 
Yeah. I think I'll just suggest that we look into poly relationships and determine more individually if it's for us or not. Cause yea, this thread has been a bit messy and that's because there's still so much to read about and consider. Theres so much that i dont know and stuff im still considering/processing. Like, the expression of interest really seems premature atm with just how much I don't know and need to consider.

I mean, I'd maybe even just put it out there that we could just try being closer friends first. Cause all this concern over love and sex and dynamics and just so many things, I think it's just gonna require time. And I really need to stop assuming on their behalfs. I'll again thank all who've posted with their advice and questions, even if I kinda feel there's been some lapses in communication.
 
TheBIGgrizz said:
I can't really speak for my bf but I know getting into a poly relationship is a bit of a process & I'm not against a slow burn.
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Yeah, lean into this. There’s no emergency. You don’t really want your interest to be the thing that keeps someone from finding an amazing relationship with someone else — so don’t worry about jumping while she’s single.

Explore your wants while you learn about real-life relationship options, and do that reading so you don’t have to reinvent the wheels everyone else has already been run over by.

By all means talk to your partner and close friends about what “family” looks like to you — how it may have changed, or what you can imagine ten years from now. But if it’s gonna put pressure on this particular friend, and you can’t find a way to dial back from bf’s disclosure/offer/whatever, then talk to her about other stuff instead.
 
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