Single Mom Still In Love
New member
Hi, I am V. I posted an intro just now in Introductions.
I'll first tell the story of me and A, which is crucial to understand my actions in the present context.
When I met A online, I was a 36-year old trans woman with a 3-year old child, and A was 19.5 and still in college. I was really skeptical of the age gap, but I saw that she was worried about being rejected for her age, just like I was worried about being rejected for being trans. She said she was clearly lesbian, not bisexual, but she accepted me for who I was. We gave it a shot, and hit it off very quickly. She was much nicer and more mature than others in their 20s and 30s that I had tried talking to at that time.
We did long-distance for 17 months, and in the first 4 months, I flew across the country twice to meet her, for a few days each time. We kept in touch through video calls and texts through the initial Covid lockdowns. About 17 months in, she suddenly said one day that she was dropping out of college and wanted to come stay with me. She explained her reasons. I was convinced, and helped her move. She came from a conservative environment into a big city suddenly, where she was completely dependent on me.
For about 2.5 years after her move, I supported her in every way, not just the basics, but also helping her pursue interests and figuring out a career path she could take without having finished college. She earns a bit on her own now, but her standard of living would be very different if she hadn't lived with me, or with the woman she is with now.
In the last 1.5 years, I saw growing signs of her being disengaged. It wasn't consistent, though, and if I got too distressed or inquisitive, she reassured me with her love and gestures and actions. Over these last 2-3 years, I became more engrossed with just working, running the household and then retreating into my own online world, totally disconnected from her online presence. The only thing we shared with each other on Insta was funny reels through DM, but otherwise I didn't even check her posts or stories, nor anyone else's, nor posted on my own.
Psychologically, I looked up attachment theory recently and now realize that she's always been a dismissive-avoidant type, while I became more and more anxious-preoccupied due to this, instead of my earlier stable and secure type which existed with my ex-spouse and still exists in the co-parenting relationship. Our different natures put us in a vicious cycle where we were never able to resolve conflicts. We just hugged it out after some time, but never talked it out.
A and I had some shared interests, e.g., group biking rides once a month or so, but due to work and money issues, I agreed after a point that she could go on her own, even if I couldn't. On one such ride 1.5 years ago, she met T.
A never told me anything, but she began seeing T, indicating to her that she was living with me, but saying that our relationship hadn't worked out. She took my kid along too a few times, so that she could play with T's daughter (slightly older), until I asked too many questions. So she stopped taking my kid along. T is about a decade older than A, and a few years younger than me.
A kept giving me vague half-facts about her 'friends' all around the city, but was increasingly evasive about specifics. We had known most of each others' friends until early 2023, but I knew nothing about her life outside the home from around late 2023 onwards. I was troubled by this increasingly dysfunctional relationship, but kept hoping against hope.
A went home for about 5 weeks over Christmas this time (her first visit home in 3.5 years) and on the night before her flight back, she informed me that on returning here, she would 'stay with friends for a month' because she wanted to figure out independent living as an adult. I was hurt but agreed, and supported the idea in principle. She assured me that we will meet daily and go out on dates, etc., but what actually happened was that once back in the same city, she contacted me much less than she did from across the country.
A month went by, and she still kept saying she'd return after 'some more days', without any specifics. Valentine's Day went by and one of my friends who follows her on Insta saw a story where some other woman was being gifted flowers. (This was T, who I didn't know until now.) I confronted A, but she still did not come clean. She'd been living with T (not with any other friends) for about 6 weeks, but through texts she kept reassuring me that she was thinking of coming back and being with us for good.
Since A wasn't coming clean, but I had strong suspicions now, I went and reclaimed a mobile number used by A for all these years. When she first came to this city, she didn't have anything here by herself, so I got her this number, but it was in my name all along. The mobile phone company gave it to me easily after verifying my ID. I put the number in a new phone, verified WhatsApp through SMS, and got the evidence I needed. I couldn't access contacts or old chats, but just the existence of a few mysterious groups was enough. I messaged the woman in one of these groups who seemed like A's new partner, and she mistook me for A and confirmed my suspicions immediately. My kid also came over and saw what I was doing that day, and immediately recognized that this was the woman whose house she had visited a few times last year.
The next two days were full of drama and anger from both sides. I was cordial with T, seeing her as a woman who had also been wronged. Two days later, I kept my anger aside and started to talk calmly about exchanging stuff - my stuff which A has, her stuff which I have, etc. We met a couple of days later for a 'closure conversation,' but A just sobbed and sobbed for two hours while I talked it out from both sides. She hugged me and said she didn't want to lose me. She said she had thought of living with T for some time and then never seeing her again, and coming back to us. Her moral sense seemed to be really twisted at this point, but seeing her so broken, I melted too.
I had treated her only as a friend that evening, but from the parting hug that evening till yesterday, a pattern has emerged-- we have met about 5 more times since then for some logistics, or to let my kid and T's kid play with each other. Every time, if T's kid or her nanny are around, A is pretty clammed up. But when she met us alone, there was again some limited affection, e.g., hugs which are a bit more than friendly, or her holding my arm as we walk down a flight of stairs, or her telling me that she misses me, and me saying the same, etc.
I asked her for clarity yesterday and she said that 'it's not in my hands anymore' 'what can I do now?' 'I don't want to be squeezed between both sides,' and so on. I told her that if she can just say clearly that 'it's over,' then both of us can truly move on. She loves my kid and wants to keep meeting her, but has told me as well that she wants me in her life.
We had been intimate a few times this year (when she was already living with T but sometimes visiting me) and she's said that everything she felt and said and did was real, contrary to my initial suspicions that she had just been faking interest in me in recent months.
Meanwhile, T has been asked to vacate her house due to some homophobic neighbours noticing A's presence. T's office is also shifting within the city, so she'll have a longer commute after a few months. She's still figuring out the house hunt, etc. But from what I can tell, T must be increasingly suspicious of A regularly meeting me (4 meetings within last one week). I know I would be very suspicious if I was in T's place, knowing everything that has happened.
T and I have been cordial with each other, and she's also mentioned that she would like to meet once everything settles down. A also asked me last week if I would like to be friends with T, and I said yes. But A has asked me not to contact T on my own, and not tell her that A has told me about the house-hunt problem.
After the most recent incident of affection initiated by A, when I asked her for clarity, she said that T might seem nice to me, but she won't understand or accept, and A doesn't want to get into a bigger mess. But from what I can see, we are all in a big mess already, and the only way out is open communication.
Also, I have offered that A can come with me and get that mobile number transferred in her name (the one which led to the big revelation) but she's avoided it, and keeps asking me for details if any SMS gets mistakenly sent on it. I have also told her that she can collect her important stuff from my house any time, and the remaining stuff as and when she has time and space, but she hasn't acted on any of that yet.
On my own, I can only cut off contact after a point, maybe after a few weeks, if all this becomes too much for my sanity. But if A initiates the conversation, it is possible that we could come up with something (i guess it's called a v-polycule?) which could work for everyone. I know that T may not take it well initially, but this is the only way forward I see, based on open communication, where we could prevent lingering unresolved emotions and heartbreaks from casting a long shadow into our futures. Otherwise, the way I see it now, I could just cut off and deal with my heartbreak alone, but A will most likely enter into the same dysfunctional pattern again. Given these recent instances of affection, I find it very difficult to consider a path where we could have been just friends. Knowing what I do now, I just don't see how that would be any good for my own sanity.
What should I do? Should I just wait for A to do something here? Should I cut off completely? I considered reaching out to T on my own - as I said above, we have been cordial with each other - but will that be ethical if A has asked me not to?
I'll first tell the story of me and A, which is crucial to understand my actions in the present context.
When I met A online, I was a 36-year old trans woman with a 3-year old child, and A was 19.5 and still in college. I was really skeptical of the age gap, but I saw that she was worried about being rejected for her age, just like I was worried about being rejected for being trans. She said she was clearly lesbian, not bisexual, but she accepted me for who I was. We gave it a shot, and hit it off very quickly. She was much nicer and more mature than others in their 20s and 30s that I had tried talking to at that time.
We did long-distance for 17 months, and in the first 4 months, I flew across the country twice to meet her, for a few days each time. We kept in touch through video calls and texts through the initial Covid lockdowns. About 17 months in, she suddenly said one day that she was dropping out of college and wanted to come stay with me. She explained her reasons. I was convinced, and helped her move. She came from a conservative environment into a big city suddenly, where she was completely dependent on me.
For about 2.5 years after her move, I supported her in every way, not just the basics, but also helping her pursue interests and figuring out a career path she could take without having finished college. She earns a bit on her own now, but her standard of living would be very different if she hadn't lived with me, or with the woman she is with now.
In the last 1.5 years, I saw growing signs of her being disengaged. It wasn't consistent, though, and if I got too distressed or inquisitive, she reassured me with her love and gestures and actions. Over these last 2-3 years, I became more engrossed with just working, running the household and then retreating into my own online world, totally disconnected from her online presence. The only thing we shared with each other on Insta was funny reels through DM, but otherwise I didn't even check her posts or stories, nor anyone else's, nor posted on my own.
Psychologically, I looked up attachment theory recently and now realize that she's always been a dismissive-avoidant type, while I became more and more anxious-preoccupied due to this, instead of my earlier stable and secure type which existed with my ex-spouse and still exists in the co-parenting relationship. Our different natures put us in a vicious cycle where we were never able to resolve conflicts. We just hugged it out after some time, but never talked it out.
A and I had some shared interests, e.g., group biking rides once a month or so, but due to work and money issues, I agreed after a point that she could go on her own, even if I couldn't. On one such ride 1.5 years ago, she met T.
A never told me anything, but she began seeing T, indicating to her that she was living with me, but saying that our relationship hadn't worked out. She took my kid along too a few times, so that she could play with T's daughter (slightly older), until I asked too many questions. So she stopped taking my kid along. T is about a decade older than A, and a few years younger than me.
A kept giving me vague half-facts about her 'friends' all around the city, but was increasingly evasive about specifics. We had known most of each others' friends until early 2023, but I knew nothing about her life outside the home from around late 2023 onwards. I was troubled by this increasingly dysfunctional relationship, but kept hoping against hope.
A went home for about 5 weeks over Christmas this time (her first visit home in 3.5 years) and on the night before her flight back, she informed me that on returning here, she would 'stay with friends for a month' because she wanted to figure out independent living as an adult. I was hurt but agreed, and supported the idea in principle. She assured me that we will meet daily and go out on dates, etc., but what actually happened was that once back in the same city, she contacted me much less than she did from across the country.
A month went by, and she still kept saying she'd return after 'some more days', without any specifics. Valentine's Day went by and one of my friends who follows her on Insta saw a story where some other woman was being gifted flowers. (This was T, who I didn't know until now.) I confronted A, but she still did not come clean. She'd been living with T (not with any other friends) for about 6 weeks, but through texts she kept reassuring me that she was thinking of coming back and being with us for good.
Since A wasn't coming clean, but I had strong suspicions now, I went and reclaimed a mobile number used by A for all these years. When she first came to this city, she didn't have anything here by herself, so I got her this number, but it was in my name all along. The mobile phone company gave it to me easily after verifying my ID. I put the number in a new phone, verified WhatsApp through SMS, and got the evidence I needed. I couldn't access contacts or old chats, but just the existence of a few mysterious groups was enough. I messaged the woman in one of these groups who seemed like A's new partner, and she mistook me for A and confirmed my suspicions immediately. My kid also came over and saw what I was doing that day, and immediately recognized that this was the woman whose house she had visited a few times last year.
The next two days were full of drama and anger from both sides. I was cordial with T, seeing her as a woman who had also been wronged. Two days later, I kept my anger aside and started to talk calmly about exchanging stuff - my stuff which A has, her stuff which I have, etc. We met a couple of days later for a 'closure conversation,' but A just sobbed and sobbed for two hours while I talked it out from both sides. She hugged me and said she didn't want to lose me. She said she had thought of living with T for some time and then never seeing her again, and coming back to us. Her moral sense seemed to be really twisted at this point, but seeing her so broken, I melted too.
I had treated her only as a friend that evening, but from the parting hug that evening till yesterday, a pattern has emerged-- we have met about 5 more times since then for some logistics, or to let my kid and T's kid play with each other. Every time, if T's kid or her nanny are around, A is pretty clammed up. But when she met us alone, there was again some limited affection, e.g., hugs which are a bit more than friendly, or her holding my arm as we walk down a flight of stairs, or her telling me that she misses me, and me saying the same, etc.
I asked her for clarity yesterday and she said that 'it's not in my hands anymore' 'what can I do now?' 'I don't want to be squeezed between both sides,' and so on. I told her that if she can just say clearly that 'it's over,' then both of us can truly move on. She loves my kid and wants to keep meeting her, but has told me as well that she wants me in her life.
We had been intimate a few times this year (when she was already living with T but sometimes visiting me) and she's said that everything she felt and said and did was real, contrary to my initial suspicions that she had just been faking interest in me in recent months.
Meanwhile, T has been asked to vacate her house due to some homophobic neighbours noticing A's presence. T's office is also shifting within the city, so she'll have a longer commute after a few months. She's still figuring out the house hunt, etc. But from what I can tell, T must be increasingly suspicious of A regularly meeting me (4 meetings within last one week). I know I would be very suspicious if I was in T's place, knowing everything that has happened.
T and I have been cordial with each other, and she's also mentioned that she would like to meet once everything settles down. A also asked me last week if I would like to be friends with T, and I said yes. But A has asked me not to contact T on my own, and not tell her that A has told me about the house-hunt problem.
After the most recent incident of affection initiated by A, when I asked her for clarity, she said that T might seem nice to me, but she won't understand or accept, and A doesn't want to get into a bigger mess. But from what I can see, we are all in a big mess already, and the only way out is open communication.
Also, I have offered that A can come with me and get that mobile number transferred in her name (the one which led to the big revelation) but she's avoided it, and keeps asking me for details if any SMS gets mistakenly sent on it. I have also told her that she can collect her important stuff from my house any time, and the remaining stuff as and when she has time and space, but she hasn't acted on any of that yet.
On my own, I can only cut off contact after a point, maybe after a few weeks, if all this becomes too much for my sanity. But if A initiates the conversation, it is possible that we could come up with something (i guess it's called a v-polycule?) which could work for everyone. I know that T may not take it well initially, but this is the only way forward I see, based on open communication, where we could prevent lingering unresolved emotions and heartbreaks from casting a long shadow into our futures. Otherwise, the way I see it now, I could just cut off and deal with my heartbreak alone, but A will most likely enter into the same dysfunctional pattern again. Given these recent instances of affection, I find it very difficult to consider a path where we could have been just friends. Knowing what I do now, I just don't see how that would be any good for my own sanity.
What should I do? Should I just wait for A to do something here? Should I cut off completely? I considered reaching out to T on my own - as I said above, we have been cordial with each other - but will that be ethical if A has asked me not to?
Everyone has to work this out as they deem best. sigh... I can feel the heartbreaks in this whole thing from here.