Mono needing advice

[ElleInOntario]

Background - I'm mono, Mr is poly(ish). We opened our relationship a few years ago so he could meet new people and play. I wasn't thrilled with the idea but I've gotten through it and things have been good.

My only rules were..

1) Family First (we have kids)
2) use protection (we're fluid bonded and don't want to change that)

I know rules aren't popular here but these didn't seem too outrageous, and he agreed.

Here we go...

1) The Camping Trip
He was invited out west on an all-expenses paid camping trip by an ex of his who's obsessed with him. He's had to block her from social media and can't give her his cell # because she'll message him 30 times a day. I thought he was insane for going and told him so, he laughed it off and said he was only going for the free vacation, he wasn't going to be intimate with her (riiiight).

The day after he gets back he tells me they had unprotected sex. Unprotected sex with a woman who's been in love with him for 10+ years and is emotionally unstable. Stupid.

2) His job
He's on a few dating sites and chats with a lot of people. It's annoying but I can ignore it. The main problem is that it became a distraction at work, his boss and customers noticed, and 2 weeks ago he was fired (75k/yr w/benefits). Now he's concerned that he might not be able to find work in the same field and we'll have to move. Really f*cking Stupid.

3) Our Son
Last Friday after supper Mr and our 4 y/o were playing in the backyard. Kiddo tripped and hurt his arm. Seemed to be in a lot of pain so I took him to the hospital. I took him because Mr had a date and didn't want to cancel his plans. I was pissed (WTF your kid is hurt!) but didn't want to fight so I told him to go. Ended up being a broken elbow. Text Mr at 10:30pm to tell him kiddo will need surgery can he come home/whats his ETA. Tells me he'll let me know and then gets home at 3am.

4) Not a UTI
Mr and I haven't been intimate because he thinks he has a UTI. Hahahah nope! Gets checked out and its an STI from either Camping Chick or the woman he's been seeing for the past month or so (they've been having unprotected oral ). Normally I'd roll my eyes, maybe be grumpy at having to waste a day getting checked out, but right now with everything else going on I AM PISSED. Why the hell did he wait? It's been almost a month since he has unprotected sex with Camping Chick!

I've been trying to be supportive because he's upset about his job and worried about finances, but I'm so incredibly frustrated. I feel like he needs to take a break from dating until he gets his sh*t together and our relationship is stronger but I know it's going to be a huge argument.

Has anyone gone from open/poly to mono? Has the relationship survived? How do I go about this without sounding like I'm his mother and he's in a Time-Out for misbehaving?

I don't think our relationship can handle another big hit.

(*** This has all been within the past 4 weeks ***)

 

[breathemusic]

Holy shit!

I think it's completely fair to say "You are out of control and have no idea how to respect and stick to agreements that we set, so I'm not willing to continue a relationship with you unless you stop dating for a while so that we can rebuild trust and you can learn how to not let the excitement of dating blind you to hurting your family and breaking agreements!"

I'd be livid and dropping the hammer by now....

 

[Dagferi]

Holy shit!

I think it's completely fair to say "You are out of control and have no idea how to respect and stick to agreements that we set, so I'm not willing to continue a relationship with you unless you stop dating for a while so that we can rebuild trust and you can learn how to not let the excitement of dating blind you to hurting your family and breaking agreements!"

I'd be livid and dropping the hammer by now....

This.

 

[opalescent]

I don't think the rules you two set were unreasonable. And good on you for being open minded.

Sometimes people can't handle the freedom and options polyamory can offer. It can be intoxicating to suddenly be able to see other people, have sex with other people, flirt etc. Sometimes this is a temporary thing as people adjust and learn to make better decisions.

So this HUGE lack of judgment may not be permanent. I hope he can look around at the burning crater he's created and fix things. But wow, that's a whole lot of spectacular fucking up all in a short time.

Is he is willing to really take a hard look at himself and identify exactly what went wrong? Maybe go to counseling? Has he apologized? Does he show poor judgment just in general? Do you tend to make the decisions in the family? (I'm asking seriously - not being snarky. If you do, there's nothing wrong with that if it works for everyone. Some families have this dynamic. If a person who makes no real decisions is suddenly allowed to make all kinds of important ones, well, sometimes they can choose poorly out of lack of experience and good judgment. And I do include making no decisions as a decision.)

The other reality is that polyamory is sometimes used as an excuse to blow up an existing relationship. Sometimes that is not consciously done. If he isn't willing to really work on his poor decision making, that may be what is going on.

People do make mono/poly relationships work. But any relationship with a partner making self-destructive decisions is in trouble.

 

[icesong]

Wow. Between ignoring his kid and losing his job I'd be done. Poly or not, is this the kind of co-parent/partner you want?

 

[ElleInOntario]

I don't know what's going on with him lately. We've been open for 3+ years and now all of a sudden things are blowing up.

It's like Spring is in the air and he can't stop thinking with his d*ck.

 

[PinkPig]

Is this totally out of character for him? Or just a little more extreme than usual? If it's totally out of character for him, then I'd be considering whether there may be something else going on...mental health issues, physical health issues, mid-life crisis, or like opalescent said, a way to coerce you into divorce?

If it's not out of character, just maybe more extreme than usual, then unless he's willing to change his behavior and work on rebuilding trust with you, then you may want to look at your options. Honestly, I'm with icesong. The kid and the job would be deal breakers for me.

As for what to say, I think what you've said to us works: "Our relationship can not handle another hit." Then state what you want. Is that a temporarily or permanently closed relationship until he's rebuilt trust with you and started another job? If it's a temporarily closed relationship, state a time period to consider reopening (3 months, 6 months, a year, ___?) If he isn't willing to do that, and you can't reach a compromise that works for you, then you could consider your options: divorce, separation, ___?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ElleInOntario,

I'm sorry Mr has been acting so ridiculous, I have a hard time extending him any sympathy. He really does need a time-out for misbehavior. No need to sugarcoat that.

I hope it doesn't come to a breakup, but like you said the relationship can't sustain another big hit.

With commiseration,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

How do I go about this without sounding like I'm his mother and he's in a Time-Out for misbehaving?

Don't think of him as a child whose behavior you are in charge of. Though, unless I'm missing my mark, you already think he's a child and that he needs you to take charge of his behavior.

You two don't seem like you're in the same relationship. He's 'just kind of hanging out, like, doing his thing' and you are 'working your fingers to the bone, being the responsible one'. This would be a terrible way to have a relationship if you two weren't also trying to be nesting, co-parenting, life-partners... but it's a special kind of nightmare if you are.

You two have WILDLY different expectations of how this association should look.

Has anyone gone from open/poly to mono? Has the relationship survived?

Is this an open/poly problem? What you've described sounds like a relationship that is boiling in white hot resentment. I'm fairly certain any relationship configuration wouldn't last for long like this (mercifully).

 

[ElleInOntario]

I don't think living up to his promises and responsibilities is too much to ask. Neither does anyone else here so far.

And up until a month or so ago he was.

You sound like you have a mighty big chip on your shoulder, and your opinion isn't helpful at all. It sounds like your advice boils down to "don't be a resentful b*tch, let him do what he wants"

I've been accepting of what he wants for the past 4 years and things have been good. Now they aren't and I'm asking for helpful advice.

We're supposed to have a partnership, I don't need another child. I don't *want* another child. I want my partner/lover/best friend back.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Never mind Marcus. He's a relationship anarchist and doesn't think anyone has any responsibility to anyone else. Don't let him draw you in.

Your situation SUCKS. If you still have the means, I would demand counseling. Good luck!

 

[Marcus]

I don't think living up to his promises and responsibilities is too much to ask. Neither does anyone else here so far.

I never said that his not living up to his promises is a good thing. I was simply responding to the veritable torrent of resentment pouring out of your post.

It is powerfully unlikely that this level of resentment suddenly sprung forth from a few dumb decisions by your beloved. My guess is, there's something underneath that has been simmering for quite some time and this recent behavior is merely the extra bit of heat to get it to boil over.

You sound like you have a mighty big chip on your shoulder, and your opinion isn't helpful at all.

You are the receiver of the message, so you get to decide that for yourself.

It sounds like your advice boils down to "don't be a resentful b*tch, let him do what he wants"

That's what you heard? Interesting.

 

[Marcus]

Never mind Marcus. He's a relationship anarchist and doesn't think anyone has any responsibility to anyone else. Don't let him draw you in.

Aw calm down. Just because we don't practice relationships exactly the same way is no reason to be dismissive and attempt to put arguments in my mouth.

I can speak for myself just fine and I have no doubt our new poster can disagree with me without your direction.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Never mind Marcus. He's a relationship anarchist and doesn't think anyone has any responsibility to anyone else.

Actually, I interpret Marcus to be saying exactly the opposite - that the OP and her husband have taken on parent-child relationship roles that predate the additional partners and that they need to focus on that, not blame the presence of the new partners. He's encouraging the OP to take responsibility for herself and to ask that her husband do the same. Relationship anarchy is actually about taking responsibility in every relationship and not relying on social assumptions and roles to do it for you.

I agree with Marcus that there have had to have been some pretty deep preexisting conditions for things to get to this point in the OP's marriage. Opening a relationship generally doesn't change it so much as illuminates and exacerbates the existing problems - and strengths. It's highly improbable that everything was going along great before this, even though undoubtedly things were going smoothly. Something was unearthed in the process of opening the relationship. It perhaps wasn't very visible before, but it was certainly there.

 

[Marcus]

I agree with Marcus that there have had to have been some pretty deep preexisting conditions for things to get to this point in the OP's marriage.

And over a tidy period of 4 weeks? Profoundly unlikely.

More likely that there has been a lot unsaid due to conflict avoidance, storing up resentments as ammunition, ignoring the presence and importance of personality mis-matches, and "sacrificing" for the sake of "the relationship". This has probably been done by all participants and they are just responding to the final blow-up differently.

It's a pretty standard way to have an unhappy relationship and it has nothing to do with a mono/poly configuration.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling. I am sorry you deal in this.

FWIW, I did not think the agreements were unreasonable. Besides, he agreed to them, so presumably he was ok with upholding them. He didn't ask to renegotiate them if he found them to pinching.

Now you find that he broke the agreements. He's not holding up his end of the various sticks and he's making bad decisions that affect you and the family. You are in the line of fire.

Has anyone gone from open/poly to mono? Has the relationship survived? How do I go about this without sounding like I'm his mother and he's in a Time-Out for misbehaving?

You could make REQUESTS like adult to adult:

"I am frustrated with this situation. Could you please be willing to Close and take a break from dating, work on our relationship, and get the rest of stuff together? The STD, the job hunt, and so on? And go back to Open marriage when those things are resolved and restabilized?"​

He says yes, he is willing? You both Close for now, work on the stuff, then Open again later.

He says no, he is not willing? And he's just going to carry on like this?

Were those agreements deal breaker things to you? And he didn't hold them up? End of deal then. You could start thinking about bowing out and removing yourself from the line of fire. If he is hell bent on going to Wacky Town, you could choose to get off the Bus. You don't have to go there with him. Not fun to think about, but you could think about it all the same.

I don't think our relationship can handle another big hit.

You don't have to wait until you are PAST your limit of tolerance to make changes in your life to alleviate major stress. You could decide this is hot enough and make changes before you get to that boiling over point.

Galagirl

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Well, maybe it's just me, but I'm kind of in the camp that, no matter WHAT preexisting conditions were in the relationship before things completely went off the rails, losing your job because you can't control your outside romantic/sexual interests is completely irresponsible.

This is a grown man we're talking about, regardless of any dynamic they have; healthy or unhealthy. While this mess that has been created may be the culmination of history that we were not presented with, or that the OP doesn't even think to add at this time, is irrelevant. He is NOT handling himself responsibly, and needs to own up to his behavior.

 

[dingedheart]

Preexisting conditions ??? Aren't we arguing facts not found in evidence. All the facts seem pretty straight forward. This seems like a classic case of someone chasing the NRE high.

To me this is less about a parent child relationship and more about judgement and decsions. To me it looks like addict behavior ....getting high or getting drunk is all that matters and so what if people get hurt along the way.

My advice is save yourself. IMO you and child/ children deserve much better.
What's the big value add to be tethered to this guy and hooked into a poly marriage???

 

[FallenAngelina]

To me it looks like addict behavior ....getting high or getting drunk is all that matters and so what if people get hurt along the way.

My advice is save yourself.

The thing you learn in Al-Anon (for people who love an alcoholic) is that one first step in saving yourself is through owning up to your own part in the relationship. We have a strong tendency on this forum to blame the almighty NRE (which is usually blaming the other partner) for wreaking havoc on the relationship, when in truth there are always two people involved - two people who are actively contributing to the direction the relationship is going in. It's essential for a person who feels that "NRE" has hurricaned through his/her life to take a few steps back and evaluate his/her part in the relationship and try to see how things got to where they are. It is never one person's "fault." Never.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Is this totally out of character for him? Or just a little more extreme than usual? If it's totally out of character for him, then I'd be considering whether there may be something else going on...mental health issues, physical health issues, mid-life crisis, or like opalescent said, a way to coerce you into divorce?

PinkPig asks an excellent question as to whether this behavior is totally out of character. If so - it certainly sounds like this could be a manic episode due to underlying bipolar disorder.