Mono partner not okay with me being poly unless triad

C

curiouslyundefined

New member
Look, I love my partner of 6 years, but I'm always crushing on other people. It's frustrating the hell out of me, because he is not okay with me being polyamorous unless it's an almost impossible triad situation with another woman.

My issue is that I am pansexual and I'll always be curious about relationships with other people. I can't guarantee I'll only ever love one other woman. He goes away for weeks at a time for work. I never cheat on him, but I'm always frustrated that he doesn't seem to get my sexuality and/or natural curiosity. Not that any of this matters anyway. I'm probably just being a selfish cow. 🤣 I just really wanted to vent!
 
You're not a selfish cow.

Your partner needs to work on his jealousy issues. And if he wants sex with another woman, he should get his own damn woman and not assume he is welcome (by you OR her) to glom onto yours.
 
Sounds like he's looking for polyfidelity and you're not. That might be a good place to start some intense discussions.
 
So he's demanding that you join him in a unicorn hunt if you want to be poly. Bleh bleh bleh! There are a ton of writings here and online about why this is not necessarily the best approach to polyamory. Maybe you could find some and share them with him. Why does he insist it has to be that way? To prevent jealousy? It absolutely will not do that.
 
For the record, I have nothing against poly-fidelity or FMF triads. I just hate the insistence on a particular relationship structure when you haven't even met a person or persons you might be interested in yet. It just leads to so many painful and frankly, silly situations. For instance, what if you guys do meet an awesome woman who likes you both a lot, and you start dating, but then in the bedroom she clicks more with you, not with him particularly, and she wants to date you, but just be platonic friends with him? Since it's not his magical triad-of-sharing ideal, does that mean you and she have to break up?
 
You might want him to read here on "unicorns," "triads" and other like terms. It sounds like he doesn't quite get it. Time to educate?
 
It sounds like he simply doesn't want a partner who shares themselves with someone else. He's given you the almost-possible-to-achieve situation because he knows it's almost impossible. It looks like a compromise, but he's probably just saying "No."
 
I didn't realise this topic had been done to death, having only just even realised that there is an alternative to traditional monoamorous relationships. Before I started thinking about all of this, I mainly just had a feeling of sadness that I could never share an intimate relationship with more than one person.

I do still feel guilty for feeling this way because he's thinking that he's not enough for me, which in some ways is true, but in other ways isn't. But in my particular situation, I'm pretty sure it would be the same with anybody. I seem to be the type of person who is happy being single forever, and than suddenly falling in love with two or three people at the same time.

The way the society is built around the traditional model of straight monoamorous couples is doing little to alleviate my feelings of guilt and selfishness.

I am trying to do my best, being honest, yet still patient and compassionate for my partner, but these feelings seem to be growing as I get older, and I'm worried there will come a time when I'm tired of feeling caged. I'm not sure where to go from here. Thanks for reading.
 
This is not exactly my situation, but my husband and I have some differences of opinion that we are working through, and I found the latest episode (16) of the podcast Pedestrian Polyamory to be helpful for tackling it from a new angle.
http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/category/pp-hub/

Basically, he's set a rule (it must be a triad) because he sees it as a solution to a problem. But it's probably not the only solution. He needs to figure out exactly what the problem is that he's trying to solve, so you can think of other options.
 
Keep reading here. There is much to learn. There is hope that you will eventually see that perhaps you were born this way, and identify as polyamorous (some take on a poly dating style). There is nothing to feel guilty or selfish about. To some poly people, it would seem like you are saying should feel guilty for being born with black hair or lefthanded. It is what it is.

Once you have learned what polyamory is to you, then hopefully you will be able to present yourself to the world with that incorporated into your character. Maybe you will be able to fully represent yourself if you learn and educate yourself and others.
 
I'm with Mono on this. It's not necessarily that he needs to deal with his jealousy, it's that he just doesn't want to share.

When I have an ice cream cone and some stranger is eyeing up my ice cream, it's not because of "insecurity" that I don't want to share. It's that they can go get their own damn ice cream. This one's mine. Of course, ice cream cones don't have feelings, so it doesn't mind that I'm being possessive of it, because I actually do possess it. Your boyfriend does not possess you.

One thing I will tell you is that you're not being a selfish cow. Everyone has the right to attempt to live their life the way they want to (as long as it's legal). Circumstances don't always allow those attempts to be successful, but that doesn't mean you can't try.

Your feelings are very natural and valid for a poly-wired person. Really, the only problem here is that you happen to be in a relationship with a mono-wired person.

What you'll need to decide, one day, is whether you can live with yourself if you keep repressing these feelings. There's nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend that you need to explore this side of yourself. Just be prepared that he may not stick around to see how it works out. But if it were me, I would have to be true to myself and do what I feel I need to do. If he's not a part of that, then it's not meant to be.
 
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