Mono/poly needing advice

[Hippoqueen]

Hi there,

I’m very new to a mono-poly relationship and could really use some advice. My long-term partner recently met someone new and wants to open our relationship after 12 years together. We were each other’s first partners, and while he mentioned this possibility over the years, we never really discussed it before he actually met this person. I’ve been okay with flirts and casual encounters, but I was clear that I didn’t want emotions involved. This is clearly not the case here anymore. Now, I feel somewhat forced into this open relationship.

He says he shares a lot in common with this new woman and loves her passionately, whereas he sees me more like family or a sister. He’s very much in the NRE phase. From what I understand, she’s also new to polyamory; her last long-term relationship was monogamous, and she only began exploring multiple relationships simultaneously about six months ago. But she has sex exclusively with my partner for the time being. She seems to be starting to get very attached to my partner and I’m not sure if she’ll stick with polyamory.

I love my partner deeply and can’t imagine losing him. For the past few weeks, I’ve been strongly opposed to him seeing her, which has led him to consider breaking up or de-escalating our relationship to pursue his new love interest.

This situation has taken a toll on my mental health, and I’m struggling to function. I know he doesn’t intend to hurt me, but our communication hasn’t been very good as we navigate this unfamiliar territory.

After reading some articles on the subject, I decided to try giving this mono-poly dynamic a chance. However, I’m finding it difficult to cope with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, inferiority and betrayal. I’ve communicated my needs to him, and he believes he can meet them, but the anxiety is overwhelming.

Does anyone have tips or experiences to share?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

If your partner feels like he has a familial relationship with you, like siblings, the relationship has likely run its course.

 

[dingedheart]

Yeah, it’s another way of saying, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore."

 

[Hippoqueen]

We were still intimate and doing couple things until he got intimate with this new person though… which was like… a month ago? We were still physically close, like, we'd hold each other to sleep, kiss and such, just not in a passionate way. We'd plan all our activities together when he was home. (He’s often away due to work.) We would cuddle to read or watch a movie. We were still very affectionate towards each other.

 

[dingedheart]

Are you married? Are you living together?

 

[Hippoqueen]

We aren’t married, but living together. He’s away maybe half of the month. When he’s home he would try not to go see his friends or parents when I’m also home, to spend more time together.

 

[LoveBunny]

Don't you want to be with someone who is passionate about you?

 

[Hippoqueen]

I like this kind and calm love I feel. It feels warm and comforting to me. I don’t think I need passion.

 

[MoPoly]

I sympathise if you’re feeling polybombed as polyamory works so much better when both parties spend lots of time talking and preparing before others get involved. But you are where you are, so you need to determine very quickly what your own needs and boundaries are - and communicate them.

For example, do you want a dedicated date night for yourself? How much are you comfortable with him texting her when with you? Is he oversharing and triggering neg insecurity / jealousy? Make sure he realises his responsibility to be a good communicator and a ‘good hinge’ if you decide to keep on going. There’s so much to think about and you’re having to think on your feet now.

Read lots of the resources on this forum. People are good here and won’t diss you for asking anything. Above all, don’t agree to do things or put up with things that harm you, or your mental health, just out of fear of loss. Keep your agency… and good luck!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Hippoqueen,

It sounds like the two of you could use some professional counseling -- most likely with a poly-friendly therapist. You need help coping with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, inferiority, and betrayal. He needs help learning how to not exacerbate those feelings. Often when someone is in NRE, they neglect their original partner and gush about their new partner. He needs to learn to be conscientious about that.

I hope you guys can work things out,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I like this kind and calm love I feel. It feels warm and comforting to me. I don’t think I need passion.

What DO you need? Do you need polyamory?

I love my partner deeply and can’t imagine losing him. For the past few weeks, I’ve been strongly opposed to him seeing her, which has led him to consider breaking up or de-escalating our relationship to pursue his new love interest.

Are you just doing poly to avoid a break-up, since partner said he was thinking of de-escalating or breaking up with you?

However, I’m finding it difficult to cope with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, inferiority and betrayal. I’ve communicated my needs to him, and he believes he can meet them, but the anxiety is overwhelming.

You sound like you don't want this, but are going along with it, anyway. Is that true?

Who is doing the betraying? Is it you, in going against your core values/what you actually want in your relationships, or is it your partner, or both of you?

I don't know if this helps you discern:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

Galagirl

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

If you choose to stay for the time being, you really need to tell your partner what you need from him. The jealousy part is hard to deal with. I so understand that. He needs to help you with that by reassuring you and giving you quality time. I have told my partner to not tell me anything about his secondary relationship. That’s how I deal with the jealousy. I try to put it out of my head and focus on the quality time together. Feel free to talk to me any time you need a sounding board.

 

[Bobbi]

My long-term partner recently met someone new and wants to open our relationship after 12 years together. We were each other’s first partners, and while he mentioned this possibility over the years, we never really discussed it before he actually met this person. I’ve been okay with flirts and casual encounters, but I was clear that I didn’t want emotions involved. This is clearly not the case here anymore. Now, I feel somewhat forced into this open relationship

This entire paragraph makes me feel uneasy for you.

Red flags

1. You are opening up for a specific person. Are you okay that your partner developed feelings for someone instead of honoring his vows to be monogamous to you? Cheating breaks trust and you have to trust your partner fully in polyamory.

2. You are each other's first, so neither of you have any clue what it's like to be with others. Now he's experiencing it and you aren't.

3. You were clear you didn't want emotions involved and now they are, another violation. Are you prepared for him to fall in love with this woman, make her the priority? He may say it won't happen, but he's already done things he said he wouldn't do.

4. You feel forced into this. Here's the thing: you have a monogamous marriage agreement. He cannot change that without your permission. If YOU want polyamory with a big "hell yes!" then it's right. If it's not a "hell yes," then it's a no. Although I can try to be supportive, the truth is all of these first things alone don't bode well for your marriage. You need to think about what you want and what you need and decide where the line is for divorce. Decide it now, so when you reach it you can enforce it. Otherwise you might stay too long and do more harm than good to yourself.

He loves her passionately, whereas he sees me more like family or a sister.

I feel this for my nesting partner. Know that he won't feel differently. If you want to agree to poly with him, you should date and find someone who loves you passionately. Don't put yourself on the back burner romantically for someone who sees you like a sister. Your romantic relationship is over. Grieve it, let it go, and move on.

I’m not sure if she’ll stick with polyamory.

Given that everyone was monogamous and opened for this relationship, it's likely, if things work out with them, they will want to be monogamous together. A sister/brother-like bond won't be enough to keep your marriage together. A plus is, it sounds like you two will be in each other's lives regardless.

I’ve been strongly opposed to him seeing her, which has led him to consider breaking up or de-escalating our relationship to pursue his new love interest.

This supports what I'm saying.

With how he feels about you, the broken promises and forced poly and this revelation, it appears he is monkey branching, finding a new partner before ending the relationship with the old partner. You should consider obtaining an attorney to protect yourself. You don't want to be blindsided. The signs are there. Don't ignore them.

I know he doesn’t intend to hurt me, but our communication hasn’t been very good as we navigate this unfamiliar territory.

Nobody wants to hurt others, but you will be hurt, badly. Start preparing now, so you can either take the initiative of ending it, or at least be ready for when he does.

However, I’m finding it difficult to cope with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, inferiority and betrayal. I’ve communicated my needs to him, and he believes he can meet them, but the anxiety is overwhelming.

Yeah, that's normal. Polyamory takes hard work. More work is needed to watch your partner fall in love with others. Being the mono partner is the hardest of all because YOU have to do all the hard work so your partner can have ALL the fun. There's no benefit for you. The only way this can work is if you are happy being like a sister to him and you choose to move on and date others too.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Magdlyn]

I like this kind and calm love I feel. It feels warm and comforting to me. I don’t think I need passion.

You like non-sexual touch and quality time. But you don't want passion, by which I think you mean sex. Maybe you and Partner used to have sex, but you've lost desire, become asexual. But perhaps Partner still desires sex? Maybe he was making do with that "kind, calm love," but his libido was reawakened by the new person.

 

[Sisilisko]

We were each other’s first partners, and while he mentioned this possibility over the years, we never really discussed it before he actually met this person.

Maybe he was trying to open the discussion but you did not seem to be welcoming it?

I’ve been okay with flirts and casual encounters, but I was clear that I didn’t want emotions involved. This is clearly not the case here anymore.

In my opinion, it's somewhat naive to "allow" someone to have flirts and casual encounters but require them not to develop emotions. As most monogamous folk experience at some point in their lives, people in long-term relationships do develop emotions for other people; it's normal, it's to be expected, it doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over and it doesn't even mean that there's anything extraordinarily wrong with the original relationship. It's the nature of our subconscious to become attracted towards that which we deeply miss in our current relationship.

When I've been married, I've developed a crush on a co-worker; despite fighting my feelings, I couldn't overcome those feelings for the following two years, but instead woke up early, lost weight, had really bad acid reflux etc.

Later on, I've genuinely thought my and Fasaani's relationship would be of the "friends-with-benefits" kind, until it became something much deeper within like... eight weeks? It wasn't fair towards Hiiri, to whom we've promised to stay within boundaries which we then couldn't maintain, but it wasn't the result of ours recklessly ignoring our promises: it was the result of making a promise without having enough experience with what we were getting ourselves into. I'm happy that Hiiri was able to forgive/move beyond it, and I'm certain she was able to do that only out of her very deep love for Fasaani.

My advice to anyone who doesn't want to develop emotions outside of their current relationship: run as soon as you notice the first hint of a budding emotion. Change jobs, move to a different town, leave behind the social circles that led you together. ... Except that you usually won't want to sacrifice so much for the sake of clipping the budding emotion early enough.

She seems to be starting to get very attached to my partner and I’m not sure if she’ll stick with polyamory.

Depending on her personality, this also might somewhat depend on your behaviour towards her. If you try to push her out of your partner's life, what reason will she have not to do the same to you? If, instead, you try to get to know her and try to search for ways to accommodate her and your partner's needs as well as your own, she's likely to feel much more obliged to reciprocate. The same works in the opposite direction, of course: maybe you feel she's not taking your feelings into account as much as she should and that doesn't make you feel particularly inclined to be benevolent towards her. Here, I would suggest Bert Hellinger's advice: when we love, we reciprocate good with slightly more good, and we reciprocate the bad with slightly less bad. Then the relationship is moving in an upward spiral. If, on the other hand, we reciprocate the bad with good, or if we return too much good in exchange for a little good, we're putting ourselves above the other person and in order to maintain their self-respect, they must reject the good we're trying to give them.

BTW, don't take your partner's word as a measure of how much your meta considers your needs; I've found out that Fasaani is a very bad interpreter of Hiiri's attitude towards me.

I love my partner deeply and can’t imagine losing him. For the past few weeks, I’ve been strongly opposed to him seeing her, which has led him to consider breaking up or de-escalating our relationship to pursue his new love interest.

Well, how does your behaviour prove to him that his best interest is on your mind?

I’ve communicated my needs to him, and he believes he can meet them, but the anxiety is overwhelming.

I am definitely biased here, but I imagine your partner is trying to save your relationship, as most unfaithful partners are hoping they'll not have to break off the original relationship. He wants to be with you, but not at the price of losing that other lover. Under the influence of NRE, he's likely to cause you a lot of pain which he'll regret later, but that does not mean that he doesn't have the intention to maintain whatever has been good in your relationship so far. It's not easy, but maybe the two of you can work together on making this hurt less? Make particular agreements about him making more effort to hide the strength of his feelings for the other person. Discuss financial and time-management aspects. Agree that every evening, he reminds you about what he loves about you and what he is grateful for that you did that day so that your anxiety is lessened.

P.S. I know I'm replying two months too late. I hope that others in a similar situation may come here. I'm also curious how your story has developed further. I wish you a lot of strength at this time.