Mono/poly new member

[Rose2647]

Hello, just so people know I cant stay on one topic at a time. Sorry if gumbled. I (F) is married to (M).

We got together knowing that (M) is poly. But, I told him I was not interested in a open relationship. But, he's stepped out of the relationship behind my back many times, only because I can't give him what he wants/needs. Or he gets upset at me.

I have nothing against anyone who is LGBT. But he's known that I'm mono and wanted a mono relationship.

We have two kids together. I love him, but he doesn't understand that I feel very uncomfortable with it. Over the years we wanted to open the relationship. But he always shut me down about dating men. He wants to date and have multi wives/girlfriends.

I want us to work, but I told him if he turns or wants to turn polygamy, that is a deal breaker.

What do I do? How do I go about it? Do I leave and be the bad guy, or stay and work it out? He doesn't understand that I feel... used if he starts to date outside the relationship. Since I'm the sole income, and knowing he will try to bring his... dates over to our home turns my stomach.

Am I wrong? Is he wrong? He says he is poly. But, he wants the sexual aspect more than emotional in the relationships he plans to make.

 

[LoveBunny]

Leave. You aren't being treated well. You're being cheated on. He "understands" damn well that you don't want him fucking other people. He doesn't care about what you want. He wants you to pay for him & be in his harem while you devote yourself only him. Fuck that. Get out quickly & don't look back. There's better men.

 

[Tinwen]

You leave, not because you are bad, but because you are incompatible. You want mono, he wants a harem. You leave because he has little respect for you, he cheats on agreements and he has a double standard. It's not like it's impossible to cheat in poly.

Or you stay and stand your ground on your boundaries - no home visits from his girlfriends, and no polygamy - you're also free to date men.

However, poly only works if both people can agree on the desired shape of the relationship and exercise basic human respect, decency and good judgement. It doesn't sound like you're getting that.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like you and he are not compatible. It's not being a "bad guy" to take care of yourself.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry this is happening like this.

You seem to see clearly enough that this is NOT okay.

We have two kids together. I love him, but he doesn't understand that I feel very uncomfortable with it.

I think he probably DOES understand you are not comfortable with it, but he just doesn't care.

But he's stepped out of the relationship behind my back many times, only because I can't give him what he wants/needs. Or he gets upset at me.

Nah. He just cheated cuz he chose to cheat. And he's done it many times because he's learned that he CAN. You might complain in the moment, but you keep staying. So... what's he really got to change? Nothing.

If you don't give him what he wants/needs in a relationship he could break up with you decently rather than cheat.

One doesn't use sex with other people as a "weapon" to "get back at you" because you "upset" them, or like a "coping tool" because you "upset" them. That is using people like objects, along with treating you poorly.

NONE of this is consenting, ethical polyamory. NONE of this is kind or loving treatment towards you.

I could be wrong, but to me, it sounds like what he cares most about is what HE gets, so he tells you whatever to get access to you, then says/does whatever behind your back to get access to those folks. When caught out, makes up excuses or blame-shifts to get himself out the spotlight so he can skip being held accountable and skip taking personal responsibility for how his choices/behaviors affect other people.

He says he is poly. But, he wants the sexual aspect more than emotional in the relationships he plans to make.

Cool. He can go do that with OTHER people. It doesn't have to be with YOU.

I don't think he even knows what the word "polyamory" means. "Poly" means "many" and "amory" means "loves." Sharing love is the main point of practicing polyamory. You have more than one GF, BF, partner-type person, not just casual sex. He's not treating you especially lovingly here.

There is nothing wrong with other forms of non-monogamy, including casual no-strings-attached sex, provided all participants are aware and consent, but you do NOT consent to this, and you do not have to. If he wants this and you don't, it's okay to be at the dealbreaker point.

You could end things as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances. Break the deal. Then you each get to heal and then move on to date OTHER people when you are ready to do so.

But he always shut me down about dating men. He wants to date and have multi wives/girlfriends.

He basically wants "open" for him, but not for you. Maybe he's even harem building, where all his partners are loyal to him and only see him, but he gets lots of partners, along with a one-penis policy, where his penis is the only one allowed.

If you prefer monogamy, there is nothing wrong with that. If you prefer consenting ethical polyamory, you already know that HE cannot provide this. He has no such inclination. He wants a one-sided relationship, where it is open for just him on his side and he gets the most receiving.

It is okay to decide this is not what you want and that you two are not compatible. You can end it. Then he'd be free to do as he pleases with other people -- even weird and wonky stuff, and you get to be free of this unnecessary drama. You get to move on to date more compatible people who want to share the things you want, people who are more honest and do not cheat on agreements.

If you DID want polyamory (which you don't, you sound like you want monogamy)... why would you take up with a known multiple cheater? Wouldn't you pick BETTER poly partners than that?

What do I do? How do I go about it? Do I leave and be the bad guy, or stay and work it out?

Sometimes breaking up IS how people work it out. They can't be happy together, so they end it. Then they can be happy separately.

I don't see how you leaving a thing that is incompatible and not what you want is you being a "bad guy." I don't see how you not wanting any cheating is you being "a bad guy."

Is it the soon-to-be-ex calling you a "bad guy," talking mean about you, so you stay so the name-calling will stop? Is it some weird bully thing? Or like them seeing you getting ready to go and getting their last digs in because they won't get access to you any more?

You don't have to care about what a STBX or ex thinks.

This is what you want to model for your kids, right? To NOT put up with shenanigans like cheating? To LEAVE things that are not compatible?

 Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Rose2647,

Is there a way you can work it out? It doesn't seem fair that he shuts you down about dating men, while he wants to have multiple wives/girlfriends (and has stepped out of the relationship behind your back many times). It would be different if he wanted a marriage that was open for both of you, but that's not what he wants.

Since he is already dating other women without your consent, you already have the mono/poly polygamy that he wants, that you don't want. It doesn't seem to me like he'll stop doing that. So the question that remains is, will you be okay with his actions? Is it even possible to be okay with that? How long will you endure it before it becomes the deal breaker of which you warned him?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Rose2647]

Thank you all for your support and thoughts. I... we have talked a little, or tried to. He wants me to date. But I only know how to love one person. He wants to make rules for both of us and our partners, if I have or get one.

I been mono all my life. I grew up that way. He says he loves me and I can see it. He stayed with me through our fights and pregnancies. I love him and want to work it out. But I feel used, lost, unloved. You know. But he keeps making sure to tell me he loves me. I want to work it out. I do. But, he's my husband and it's hard to think about sharing him. I feel like I'll lose him. (He wasn't dating anyone. He was sexting/talking.)

 

[Rose2647]

Sorry, and to add, we are high school sweethearts and have been together for almost 8 years, married 2 years. And... to be honest, I always put him down. I knew he was poly and made him suppress who he is. He's tried to talk to me about it. But... I always told him no.

 

[Rose2647]

I am sorry this is happening like this.

You seem to see clearly enough that this is NOT ok.



I think he prob DOES understand you are not comfortable with it. And he just doesn't care.


Nah. He just cheated cuz he chose to cheat. And he does it many times because he's learned that he CAN. You might complain in the moment, but you keep staying. So... what's he really got to change? Nothing.

If you don't give him what he wants/needs in a relationship he could break up with you decently rather than cheat.

And one doesn't use sex with other people as a "weapon" to "get back at you" because you "upset" them. Or like a "coping tool" because you "upset" them. That is using people like objects along with treating you poorly.

NONE of this is consenting, ethical polyamory. NONE of this is kind or loving treatment towards you.

I could be wrong but to me? It sounds like what he cares most about is what HE gets. So he told you whatever to get access to you. Then says/does whatever behind your back to get access to those folks. When caught out, makes up excuses or blame shifts to get himself out the spotlight so he can skip being held accountable and skip taking personal responsibility for how his choices/behaviors affect other people.



Cool. He can go do that with OTHER people. It doesn't have to be with YOU.

I don't think he even knows what the word "polyamory" means. "Poly" means "many" and "amory" means "loves." Sharing love is the main point of practicing polyamory. Like you have more than one GF, BF, partner type person. Not just casual sex. He's not treating you esp lovingly here.

There is nothing wrong with other forms of non-monogamy including casual no-strings-attached sex provided all participants are aware and consent. But you do NOT consent to this. And you do not have to. If he wants this and you don't? It's ok to be at the dealbreaker point.

Can end things as peacefully as possible in the circumstances. Break the deal. Then you each get to heal and then move on to date OTHER people when you each are ready to do so.



He basically wants "open" for him but not for you. Maybe even harem building where all his partners are loyal to him and only see him. But he gets lots of partners along with a One Penis Policy where his is the only one allowed.


If you prefer monogamy there is nothing wrong with that. If you prefer consenting ethical polyamory, you already know that HE cannot provide this. He has no such inclination. He wants a one sided relationship where it is open for just him on his side and he gets the most receiving.

It is okay to decide this is not what you want and that you two are not compatible. You can end it.

Then he is free to do as he pleases with other people -- even doing weird and wonky stuff.

And you get to be free of this unnecessary drama. You get to move on to date more compatible people who want to share the things you want. People who are more honest and do not cheat on agreements.

If you DID want polyamory (which you don't, you sound like you want monogamy)... why would you take up with a known multiple cheater? Wouldn't you pick BETTER poly partners than that?



Sometimes breaking up IS how people work it out. They can't be happy together so end it. Then they can be happy separately.

I don't see how you leaving a thing that is incompatible and not what you want is you being a "bad guy." I don't see how you not wanting any cheating is you being "a bad guy."

Is it the soon-to-be-ex calling you a "bad guy" like talking mean about you so you stay so the name calling stops? Some weird bully thing? Or like them seeing you getting ready to go and getting their last digs in because they won't get access to you any more?

You don't have to care about what a STBX or ex thinks.

This is what you want to model for your kids, right? To NOT put up with shenanigans like cheating? To LEAVE things that are not compatible?

 Galagirl

No, I'm calling myself the bad guy. I'm pro-LGBTQ, but I never thought I would be mixed in it, you know. And I know it's wrong for me to try to change him and who he is.

 

[Bobbi]

But I feel used, lost, unloved.

Why would you want to be with a person who makes you feel that way? You are young. You were HS sweethearts, which means you got together before the end of your 20s, a time when you find yourself, complete your brain development and begin to really learn what you want. You have so much life left to live. You are only 1/3 of the way through. Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling this way?

I'm pro-LGBTQ but I never thought I would be mixed in it, you know. And I know it's wrong for me to try to change him and who he is.

LGBTQ+ has NOTHING to do with poly. Monogamy and polyamory are types of relationship structures. He chose to create a monogamous structure with you. It's up to him to honor it. He didn't. He has cheated, lied and deceived you again and again.

Your relationship is over. You have no relationship without trust, and he has thrown that away.

At this point, the only question is-- how long will you allow yourself to stay in a relationship that's over, is harmful to you, and messes with your mental health? This behavior is part of battered-wife syndrome... You will stay until your self esteem is gone, and you are left as a shell of a person so deeply damaged that suicide might look like the only option. I don't want you to wait that long. Please get a therapist to help you through this and come up with an end date.... a date you choose to end it if things don't make a 180.

This is not about his sexual identity. Don't let him feed you that bullshit as an excuse to cheat. He is a cheater, plain and simple.

He wants to make rules for both of us and our partners, if I have or get one.

He wants to cheat and dictate the rules to control you AND any partners you both have!? This is so alarming to me. I would run as fast and hard as I could do get as far away from this man as possible.

- He's a cheater
- He's controlling
- He's manipulative
- He gaslights you into believing you are the one that's at fault, and even to feel like the bad guy.

These things are not love! He might be obsessed, but he definitely is not in love. Love doesn't have these things in it. You are abused, but you cannot see it because you are in it. Please get a good therapist to help you.

 

[GalaGirl]

He wants me to date. But I only know how to love one person.

And he only wants you to date other women, but you prefer dating men?

But he always shut me down about dating men. He wants to date and have multiple wives/girlfriends.

How do those two sentences reconcile? Does he want you to date women so you bring them around for him to date, or share sex with, like you are the honey bait?

If you only know how to love one person, and if he's no longer interested in monogamy, and cheats, then he's not the right spouse for you anymore. Is that what you are struggling to digest or accept? Like, "How can someone I love treat me so bad?"

He wants to make rules for both of us and our partners.

Nope, he doesn't get to make unilateral decisions for you, or for the group of people who aren't even there yet.

You do not have to agree to his suggestions. You get to say "No, thank you. I do not agree to do that."

I been mono all my life. I grew up that way.

There's nothing wrong with monogamy, if that is what you like best. You get to pick what YOU like.

He says he loves me and I can see it. He stayed with me through our fights and pregnancies. I love him and want to work it out.

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to gently LET GO. What's wrong with that? Then you can move on to date someone who wants to share monogamy with you. And he can move on to date people who want to share polyamory.

Then you two can stop fighting, stop with the cheating, and relax. Perhaps you'll become decent exes and coparents instead. Would that be terrible?

Families come in all shapes. What's wrong with becoming a healthy divorced coparenting family, no longer doing all this wonky and unhappy stuff?

But I feel used, lost, unloved. You know. But, he keeps making sure to tell me he loves me.

Talk is cheap if not backed up by matching actions. People can lie and say they love you and then turn around and treat you poorly. When you get mixed messages, you believe the ACTIONS, not the words.

You are the one actually there.

Do his loving words and actions toward you MATCH? Are both his words and actions loving to you, or not so much?

How does the cheating reconcile with all that?

We are high school sweet hearts and have been together for almost 8 years and 2 years married.

Is this the problem? You two got together young and married young. Now, you've finished growing up and discovered you've grown apart in different directions, outgrown each other.

And... to be honest I always put him down. I knew he was poly and made him suppress who he is. He's tried to talk to me about it. But I always told him no.

You were the one actually there.

If you put him down, apologize.

If you wanted him to hide who he was, apologize. Don't make him hide now. Don't hide who YOU are, either.

(Plus... remember he didn't have to go along with it. He could have told you "No, thanks. I see you want me to hide who I am, but I'm not going to do that.")

If you were telling him, "Poly is fine for other people, but I don't want it for me," that's telling him YOU don't want to practice polyamory. That's not telling him he has to hide who he is or putting down his preference. You simply don't have the same preference. You are different people. It's okay if you want different things.

No, I'm calling myself the bad guy. I'm pro LGBTQ, but I never thought I would be mixed in it, you know. And I know it's wrong for me to try to change him and who he is.

Who in this is LGBT+? How does that apply here? Has he figured out he's bisexual, gay, transgender? Did I miss context somewhere? ("Polyamory" is a relationship model, not an LGBT+ orientation.) Or is it that he is pushing YOU to be "bisexual" for his jollies and for group sex, when you don't want that, and you are straight?

• You don't have to change him or who he is.
• You don't have to change yourself or who you are.
• You don't have to keep dating him or stay married if you two are not compatible any more.
• You don't have to keep dating him or stay married if he cheats and you don't like that behavior.

It's like you are mixing stuff up that doesn't need to mix.

Maybe this helps you discern:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

Galagirl

 

[Rose2647]

For whom it may concern and such, we are going to work on each other and ourselves. We want to stay together and keep our family together.(Divorced/complete but toxic households.) He has his issues, and I'm not rainbows and sunshine myself. He has more mental issues than I do.

Yes, what he's been doing is wrong. I've done wrong, as well. Mentally than physically. Before we even open the relationship, or consider it, we are going to talk and plan.

He wasn't trying to make it fit only his needs, but our needs about the rules. The rules are just guidelines. He and I will always come first. We are going to try counseling or therapy (financial issues).

We want us to work. We know it will take time. But if it does come to us splitting, we are going to co-parent in the same household. He loves his children more than his whole life. (Absent father.)

He loves me and the fact I gave him the one thing we always wanted. We have realized that we have battered each other emotionally over the years. We want it to be better and a more healthy home for our children.

So please, I read all the comments-- the ones who want me to leave, the ones who say he's taking advantage, the ones who say that he's being controlling and manipulative. I read every single one. But, we are all we know, to be honest. That's why we can't leave each other. We hang on to each other emotionally and physically in more than one way. We've both came from bad relationships. Worse than others (abuse, leaving, cheating, etc.)

So, thank you. I'll be coming back to read more. And I'll be answering any questions as best as I can. Thank you.

 

[Rose2647]

And he only wants you to date other women but you prefer dating men?

Specifically him? And if he's no longer interested in monogamy, then he's not the right spouse for you any more. Is that what you are struggling to digest or accept?



Nope. He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions for you or the group or for people who aren't even here yet.

You do not have to agree to his proposals.


Nothing wrong with monogamy if that is what you like best. You get to pick what YOU like.




Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to gently LET GO. What's wrong with that?

Then you can move on to date someone who wants to share monogamy with you. And he can move on to date people who want to share polyamory.

And you two can stop fighting and relax and be decent exes and coparents instead. Would that be terrible?

Family comes in all shapes. What's wrong with being a healthy divorced coparenting family?



Well, talk is cheap if not backed up by matching actions. People can lie and say they love you and then turn around and treat you poorly. When it's mixed messages? You believe the ACTIONS and not the words.

You are the one actually there.

Do his loving words and his actions towards you MATCH? Both are loving? Or not so much?



Is this the problem? You two got together young and married young. And have now finished grown up and discovered you grew in different directions or have outgrown each other?


If you put him down? Apologize.

If you wanted him to hide who he was? Apologize. Don't make him hide now. Plus... remember he didn't have to go along with it. He could have told you "No, thanks. I see you want me to hide who I am but I'm not going to do that."

If you were telling him "Poly is fine for other people but I don't want any for me?" That's telling him YOU don't want to practice polyamory. That's not telling him he has to hide who he is or putting down his preference. You simply don't have the same preference. You are different people. It's ok if you want different things.



But who in this is even LGBT? And how does it apply here? Did he figure out he is bisexual or gay or LGBT+? Did I miss context somewhere?

"Polyamory" is a relationship model not an LGBT+ orientation.

• You don't have to change him or who he is.
• You also don't have to keep dating him if you two are not compatible any more.
• You also don't have to keep dating him if he cheats and you don't like that behavior.

It's like you are mixing stuff up that doesn't need to mix?

Maybe this helps you discern.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

Galagirl

He is bi, and I get a lot of things mixed up. Sorry to all if I offended.

I explored, but found myself straight. And he's always expressed that he is poly. I just couldn't accept it and forced him to be mono, for my sake. And he wasn't meaning for forcing the group or partners. More of guidelines we both need to follow to have a healthy relationship with our new and old partners. He wants us to come first, before our partners.

 

[GalaGirl]

We are going to work on each other and ourselves.

Fair enough.

The rules are just guidelines. But he and I will always come first.

Gently... I think the dependent children need to come first, which means the parents need to be fit and healthy because they have dependents to care for.

He wants us to come first, before our partners.

Do you even want polyamory? Because you want monogamy, you don't have to be part of his new poly-dating network. He can go practice polyamory with OTHER people. You do not have to agree to be his primary in a new poly-model thing.

It sounds like he wants a primary-secondary model. But what happens when that model is outgrown?

Models of Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola

We are going to try counseling or therapy. (Financial issues).

In case it helps you:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

You might also consider Recovery International:

Home - Recovery International

Recovery International offers a lifeline for those seeking help with mental health. Learn about our self-help techniques & find local meetings

www.recoveryinternational.org

The local NAMI chapter:

Home - Recovery International

Recovery International offers a lifeline for those seeking help with mental health. Learn about our self-help techniques & find local meetings

www.recoveryinternational.org

Or getting counseling referrals from your regular doc.

You could check local universities and colleges. Sometimes grad students provide free or low-cost mental health care under the supervision of a professional. The students get college credit and the community gets more helpers.

You could also check your LGBT+ center in case there are workshops or group counseling or support groups. You aren't the first people to wind up in these shoes. You won't be the last.

But if it does come to us splitting, we are going to co-parent in the same household.

If/when it gets to that, you might consider flats in the same apartment complex, houses on the same street, a duplex, a house with a cottage out back, or with an apartment over the garage, so you're close enough to make coparenting easier, but have SOME separateness.

If you two split up eventually, you both may want to date new people, so you don't need to be hearing the ex sharing sex through a common wall, or seeing them come and go on their dates, inside or outside of your shared home. A little bit of separateness would be better.

Your dates come and go from your home. They do NOT go into his home.

His dates come and go from his home. They do NOT go into your home.

And the kids freely go between the parents' homes.

He loves his children more than his whole life. (Absent father.) He loves me and the fact I gave him the one thing we always wanted.

Please don't burden kids with that kind of love. It can become suffocating and impede their development and their individuation.

Loving one's kids appropriately is fine, and appreciating one's coparent is fine. But don't go over the top with it.

But, we are all we know, to be honest. That's why we can't leave each other. We hang on to each other emotionally and physically, in more than one way. We've both came from bad relationships, worse than others (abuse, leaving, cheating, etc.).

Are you two trauma-bonded and/or codependent? Perhaps www.coda.org is something else to look at.

If he is bisexual and wants polyamory, ad you are straight and want monogamy, there is NOTHING wrong with either of those. But the "new agreements" might be about how to be together as a divorced coparenting family, and NOT about poly-dating with you in his poly network. You do not need to be involved in it, definitely not if you want monogamy.

If you need to remain legally married for now, because of money or health insurance or other reasons, the "new agreements" might be for how to be "married on paper" but leading your own separate dating lives.

I encourage you to talk to a counselor about making REALISTIC and REASONABLE new agreements for the next six months, and then UPDATE them as you go along, rather than trying to make and follow some kind of "forever agreement."

I see you want to try to work it out before thinking about splitting. I get wanting to "turn over all the rocks and leave no stone unturned before considering a divorce." But please put the dependent kids first in all this. They did not ask to be here. They also cannot LEAVE. They are kids.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I hear you saying that you both come from families where there was lying, cheating, abuse and abandonment. That sounds really hard.

I hear you saying you and husband met in high school and trauma bonded (as GG seems to have noticed). He has been your only lover, boyfriend, spouse, and vice versa.

You are loyal to each other because you feel like you saved each other's lives. But, at the same time, your husband has realized he's bisexual and also that he missed out on dating multiple people in his late teens and 20s. It appears he has FOMO and is compelled to explore dating more people, both men and women. He has been chatting and sexting with others (maybe both women and men).

He wants you to agree to opening the relationship so he can stay married, get the benefits of a wife, and keep the family stable so the kids won't have to deal with changes. But it appears he wants to control YOU. He wants you to have group sex with him and other people (even with other women, despite you being straight). He doesn't want you to pick out partners of your own to date.

You two have grown apart.

I understand. I met my ex-husband in college, when I was 19 and he was 21. I married him when I was 22 and he was 24. We still had a lot of growing up to do. But we remained together. We remained loyal. We had three kids in five years. We raised them. The last 10 years of our marriage were hell on earth. We tried to do polyamory. He met and fell in love with someone and I didn't. I was too invested in being a mother to want to date others. We got counseling over the years, with four different therapists, giving it a try again and again. But we were NOT compatible.

I am poly. He is mono. When we opened, he fell in love with his gf and out of love with me.

We didn't need polyamory. We needed to split. We did split in 2008, when I was 53. I regret staying with him the last 10 years I did, when he didn't love me anymore. I did it "for the kids." Anyway. Here we are. We moved on. He is still with that same gf. I met a new poly partner within months of our split. She and I are still together. I was never loved and accepted for who I am before. My ex kept trying to change and control me.

My current partner and I also both date others, because we are both truly polyamorous.

When I was finally ready to leave me ex-h, I felt SUCH a huge sense of relief. You are obviously not there yet. I hope you find a good LGBT+ and poly-friendly therapist to work with, and find relief, whether you stay with husband, or split and go on to be your authentic selves, growing, learning, finding joy, finding your own inner strength.

Meanwhile, please check out our list of resources here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

You could start with the basic and thorough ENM book, Opening Up, or listen to the Multiamory podcast from the beginning, if you prefer listening to reading.

 

[Tinwen]

Let me repeat what I hear now, and please correct me, I'm not sure I understand everything.

- You met in high-school
- You've know he's bi and possibly poly for a very long time, maybe all along, but you two did monogamous marriage wovs.
- Over the years he's had crushes and sexual cravings that resulted in sexting with others, but not an actual real-life affair. (This does not make his behavior ok, but it's betrayal on a much lesser scale.)
- He has approached you about being poly recently again
- You view his bi and possibly poly orientation as legit, don't want to change him, but find the idea of him dating / having sex with others very hard
- Thinking about him dating others, you feel used. (Where does this feeling come from? Is it like "I'll have to do all the domestic work anyway, but won't get the fun"? Some other expected unfair treatment? Ongoing unfair treatment?)
- You are mono-romantic, so you don't really want other romantic partners yourself -- granting you the freedom is 'fair', but doesn't do anything really to mitigate your discomfort
- Divorce is not an option for you at this time, so you want to head down the difficult poly-mono relationship route, but you don't know how to approach it since it feels so yucky.
- While there is major incompatibility, you feel there is willingness to work on the relationship and be considerate from both sides.

You don't say, but I'd add:
- You come from abusive backgrounds, so you didn't have great relationship role-models at home. You are more prone to tolerate crappy treatment, but also to behave poorly, because you see that as the way relationships work. You are also more prone to expect poor treatment and bad intentions in people, possibly including your spouse.
- You are new to this, maybe both of you, so you are not even sure which model of non-monogamy would be the best fit

If you really want to try, go slowly and inform yourselves. You could start by reading, getting counselling, but also finding a local sex-positive community, just show up for social events and talk to actual people (like polyamorous meet-ups, a queer support group, and more courageously swingers or bdsm community). Seeing how other non-monogamous people go about their relationships will help you shift your normal.

Aside from that, if you are going down the poly-mono route, you have to find something that is a benefit for you in this arrangement. This may be an opportunity to explore intimacy beyond strict monogamy for yourself, this could be an improved relationship with your spouse (if he puts just as much effort in dating you as he puts into dating the new guy), but also, more autonomy and alone time for you to pursue hobbies and friends of yourself. Make sure to make the agreements fair - if you watch the kids during his dates, he should also watch the kids on your evenings and days off.