mono/poly relationship

Kniqo

New member
Hi! Long story short, my husband and I have been trying to deal with my being poly for almost 3 years now. We have been married for 15+ years, we have 2 kids and no desire to divorce.

His ability to deal with my involvement with another person comes and goes. He’s basically decided that the only poly “relationship” he’s comfortable with is a virtual one. I went on an actual date with a real life person, (yay!!!) only to have the kiss be not great and my husband say he couldn’t handle anymore.

My husband is fine with me sexting, sharing pics, ect but no real life encounters. I think the only reason he’s fine is because he knows it turns me on and then what else am I to do but have sex with him.

Hubs wants one date and sexting to be enough for the rest of our lives. I’m just so angry and frustrated. He sees poly as a necrosis in our relationship. I see it as magical, strengthening and natural. He sees it as a problem that need to be gotten over. His insecurities through out the years of our relationship are all he can see whenever we’ve tried to open up. I love him and have been open and honest about my feelings. I just want things to be different. He just wants to blame polyamory, me and his ex girlfriends for his pain.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just needed a place to put some of my thoughts.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry. I hope you feel better for the vent.

If you don't want to divorce him? Then I suppose you accept this is all he is willing/able to do. Could accept the "one date and sexting" thing. Hopefully that's enough for you.

If you are mad because you want things to be different? But you are not actually willing to change anything yourself by breaking up with him? Then that is your choice. You work to accept this situation you pick for yourself and let go of your anger.

Because you cannot do his personal work FOR him.
  • Only he can do the personal work to stop blaming polyamory, you and his ex girlfriends for his pain.
  • Only he can work on his insecurities.
  • Only he can change his mind about poly being a "necrosis"
And even if he DOES do some work on himself to heal his pain? It doesn't mean he's going to ultimately land on
  • I want poly. I am willing and able to participate in an mono/poly marriage or a poly marriage.
The best he might be able to get to being more secure in himself and maybe "Ok. Poly is fine for others but I don't want it for me."

Then what? Whether or not he does his personal work?

You are still in the same place you are in now facing this question...

  • Are you happy being in this marriage even if nothing changes? How do you reconcile or accept the incompatibility issue of you wanting poly and him not wanting poly?

Only you can answer that. It all comes back to how you want to be living your life. If it's been 3 years already this is not a new thing. There has been time to think and consider. If you still feel mad or upset about it? And it isn't going to change or progress to anything else? Maybe it is time to accept this IS all you will get here for mono-poly if you choose to stick with this partner. Mostly just sexting.

I suppose you could wait some more and see if anything changes with him. Maybe even out to an even 5 years? Maybe he does some work. Maybe you only get madder. But you aren't going to wait 10, 20, 30 years right? Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

If you are stuck, you can decide to move things forward for yourself by making your own changes.

Galagirl
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi! Long story short, my husband and I have been trying to deal with my being poly for almost 3 years now. We have been married for 15+ years, we have 2 kids and no desire to divorce.
how specifically have you both been trying to deal with your new poly identity ?



His ability to deal with my involvement with another person comes and goes. He’s basically decided that the only poly “relationship” he’s comfortable with is a virtual one. I went on an actual date with a real life person, (yay!!!) only to have the kiss be not great and my husband say he couldn’t handle anymore.

WAS this date and kiss just recently or just in the 3 yr historical record ?

My husband is fine with me sexting, sharing pics, ect but no real life encounters. I think the only reason he’s fine is because he knows it turns me on and then what else am I to do but have sex with him.

IF confronted do you think he’d admit that, ?

Hubs wants one date and sexting to be enough for the rest of our lives. I’m just so angry and frustrated. He sees poly as a necrosis in our relationship. I see it as magical, strengthening and natural. He sees it as a problem that need to be gotten over. His insecurities through out the years of our relationship are all he can see whenever we’ve tried to open up. I love him and have been open and honest about my feelings. I just want things to be different. He just wants to blame polyamory, me and his ex girlfriends for his pain.

SO to be clear he thinks one date ans sexting for the rest of your lives as NOT being technical open and or poly is that correct ? AND that being physically open and dating however that would occur would be a necrosis that would eat your relationship. OR is he subtly suggesting that the last 3 yrs is slowly killing the relationship ?

Just to play devil’s advocate or his advocate for a second why would he be wrong for identifying things or people that have caused him pain ? He‘s the source of your anger and frustration and you blame him for that what the difference ?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Kniqo,

Unless your husband magically changes his mind about polyamory, I think you have no choice but to be monogamous. I hear you say you have no desire to divorce. This then means that you are stuck doing whatever he consents to. Of course, you can keep talking to him about poly, hoping you'll convince him perhaps after a long time. At the very least, you are going to have to have the patience of Job. Of course, you can vent on this forum whenever you need to, and that will probably help. For the record, I agree with you that polyamory is magical, strengthening, and natural. I do not think it is a necrosis in your relationship, rather it is your husband's attitude that is the necrosis. Do you think this conflict would ever lead to a divorce in the distant future? I hope not.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Kniqo

New member
Thank you all for your comments. Therapy (again) is definitely next up. Uggg there are just so many facets to this situation. I just wish it could be easier. It frustrating because we’ve been poly before. I just don’t understand why he’d get involved with me while I was with and loved someone else if it was something he was so opposed to. Until all this became an issue I had no idea he was so hurt during the first several months of our relationship. It’s so unfair for him to have hidden this for so long.
 

Kniqo

New member
A little more explanation... I was with my bf who I’d been with since high school when my husband and I started dating. Bf and I had an open relationship, kind of a don’t ask don’t tell. We were kids and had no idea polyamory was a thing. My husband (not at the time) was completely aware and knew how I felt about my bf. My bf wasn’t aware of my relationship with my husband. This dynamic went on for almost a year before I broke up with my bf. My husband assumed it was for him even though I told him it wasn’t and all the reasons why. He never told me how hurt and lonely he had felt during this time until 3 or so years ago. He tells me the situation also turned him on and was happy about how turned on I was. He’s used it as a fantasy story a lot, even having all of us sleep together. He tells me as a fantasy it’s fine but as a reality he just can’t deal. Which is a total mind fuck for me. Thanks for reading. Sorry this is such a mess 😞
 

LoveBunny

Member
Hubs wants one date and sexting to be enough for the rest of our lives. I’m just so angry and frustrated. He sees poly as a necrosis in our relationship. I see it as magical, strengthening and natural. He sees it as a problem that need to be gotten over. His insecurities through out the years of our relationship are all he can see whenever we’ve tried to open up. I love him and have been open and honest about my feelings. I just want things to be different. He just wants to blame polyamory, me and his ex girlfriends for his pain.
Hi Kniqo,

Magical, strengthening and natural for whom? For you as an individual, perhaps. Maybe for your husband, it's hellish, weakening and unnatural (for him.)

Can one argue that poly strengthens a marriage? Possibly, if both partners support each other and communicate and grow and individuals AND together. But it can just as easily be a thing that presses in on the vulnerable parts of a relationship until it falls apart, or poly can be used as an excuse to not work on a failing marriage, or a way to "soft exit" an existing relationship. In some ways, it can be harder than monogamy, in that there's not much societal support, etc.. But all this has been discussed in other threads...

At one point, he was able to overlook or talk himself out of the fact that you were a married woman. He had fantasies, but bumped up against the reality. I wonder at what point he realized he wasn't as open to poly as he thought. It happens, just as often as someone agrees to monogamy before realizing they'd be happier poly. Both situations suck for the people involved.

Possibly, his fears should not be written off as knee-jerk insecurity, possessiveness and monogamous programming. Do you know what's his specific objection? For example, he might feel he gets less time with you, less of your attention and energy if you're out building and maintaining other relationships. Sure, he's then free to get attention and sex from someone else, but someone more monogamous, or who has been through poly hell, might easily view having multiple partners as a complication at best, or worse, as "necrosis" (what a brutally descriptive word) to the already-established relationship.

Poly argument aside, if your marriage is otherwise passionate, supportive and low-conflict, maybe there's room for negotiation, something that might satisfy you that he might allow. Full on cybersex with a long-distance partner? A twice a year "hall pass?" where you can date your online lover in person? Idk, just brainstorming. Only you can decide if that would be satisfying or frustrating.

Ultimately, if negotiations still leave a wide gap between your desires and your reality, you have to figure out which is your greater need: Keep your marriage, or have your freedom. It's a tough decision for sure! Thank you for the interesting thread!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thanks for more info.

A little more explanation... I was with my bf who I’d been with since high school when my husband and I started dating. Bf and I had an open relationship, kind of a don’t ask don’t tell. We were kids and had no idea polyamory was a thing. My husband (not at the time) was completely aware and knew how I felt about my bf. My bf wasn’t aware of my relationship with my husband. This dynamic went on for almost a year before I broke up with my bf.

Is that the fear? That you will have partners he doesn't know about? And ned up dumping him for them?

My husband assumed it was for him even though I told him it wasn’t and all the reasons why. He never told me how hurt and lonely he had felt during this time until 3 or so years ago.

Have you asked him why emotional honesty is hard for him?

He tells me the situation also turned him on and was happy about how turned on I was. He’s used it as a fantasy story a lot, even having all of us sleep together. He tells me as a fantasy it’s fine but as a reality he just can’t deal.

Maybe because he's the main partner now. See above about fear of getting dumped for the New Shiny. Because maybe he thinks that's kinda what happened with him.

Which is a total mind fuck for me. Thanks for reading. Sorry this is such a mess 😞

Well, of course it is. When you find out your spouse has NOT been forthright and honest with you? It's a double load. Like...
  • I am your spouse. If you can't be up front and honest with me... who can you be honest with? are you even honest with yourself?
  • I thought you were a person like THIS. Now I find you keep secrets from me for years. Who ARE you?
I hope therapy helps if you decide to remain monogamous with this partner. Or perhaps it helps him be ok with mono-poly.

But if after therapy nothing really changes and you aren't happy in a monogamous marriage? You might have to decide you've given it a fair shake, but it's just not enough and you bow out and start over.

It's a very hard place to be in. I'm so sorry. :(

Galagirl
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
A little more explanation... I was with my bf who I’d been with since high school when my husband and I started dating. Bf and I had an open relationship, kind of a don’t ask don’t tell. We were kids and had no idea polyamory was a thing. My husband (not at the time) was completely aware and knew how I felt about my bf. My bf wasn’t aware of my relationship with my husband. This dynamic went on for almost a year before I broke up with my bf. My husband assumed it was for him even though I told him it wasn’t and all the reasons why. He never told me how hurt and lonely he had felt during this time until 3 or so years ago.
clearly he has issues being vulnerable around you or in front of you.
He tells me the situation also turned him on and was happy about how turned on I was. He’s used it as a fantasy story a lot, even having all of us sleep together. He tells me as a fantasy it’s fine but as a reality he just can’t deal.

and this was right about the time you got him to green light the on line stuff or being poly in theory ?? Sound to me if he’s holding these things in for as long as he’s been holding them there’s significant amounts of shame he feels surrounding them. Maybe in his cuckhold/ hot wife fantasy world you weren’t so willing or enthusiastic....more reluctant and cautious. You being out front carrying the flag has him worried and scared.

Which is a total mind fuck for me. Thanks for reading. Sorry this is such a mess 😞
I think you need to let him know it’s OK have these thoughts and feelings and instead of hiding them for yrs and now you both should lean into them. Start small and build up and see he’s NOT going to die from a momentary bad feeling. PLUS once he knows some of the shame he expected form you is gone is all could look completely different to him.
 

Kniqo

New member
Thanks for more info.



Is that the fear? That you will have partners he doesn't know about? And ned up dumping him for them?



Have you asked him why emotional honesty is hard for him?



Maybe because he's the main partner now. See above about fear of getting dumped for the New Shiny. Because maybe he thinks that's kinda what happened with him.



Well, of course it is. When you find out your spouse has NOT been forthright and honest with you? It's a double load. Like...
  • I am your spouse. If you can't be up front and honest with me... who can you be honest with? are you even honest with yourself?
  • I thought you were a person like THIS. Now I find you keep secrets from me for years. Who ARE you?
I hope therapy helps if you decide to remain monogamous with this partner. Or perhaps it helps him be ok with mono-poly.

But if after therapy nothing really changes and you aren't happy in a monogamous marriage? You might have to decide you've given it a fair shake, but it's just not enough and you bow out and start over.

It's a very hard place to be in. I'm so sorry. :(

Galagirl
Thank you for your questions. It helps to have a thoughtful conversation and not just one laced with fear.
He’s not afraid of me having partners he doesn’t know about. I can’t lie or keep my own secrets very well. We’ve been married for 15+ yrs. He knows I don’t want to marry someone else. He’s the father of our children. He’s the person I want to live with. I’m not opposed if something more serious were to develop between me and someone else but he is. He’s afraid I’ll ask for more then he can give. The current situation (virtual poly) is all he can give me without having major anxiety. He’s scared I’m going to want more and our relationship will be over because he wouldn’t be able to function. He’s still feeling anxiety now about it. He obsesses about things and just rolls things around in his mind over and over and over. His thoughts are very visual too. When he thinks about me with someone else, he’s actually seeing it. I know this must be very painful but it’s not up to me to make that stop. I wish he’d acknowledge and take responsibility for his obsessive nature. I hope therapy helps too. I want more but my priority right now is keeping our family intact.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
We’ve been married for 15+ yrs. He knows I don’t want to marry someone else.
you mean today with silhouette figures on a whiteboard with a question mark over them?? NO one is truly threatening because it’s all hypothetical or virtual ?

He’s the father of our children. He’s the person I want to live with. I’m not opposed if something more serious were to develop between me and someone else but he is. He’s afraid I’ll ask for more then he can give.
LIKE WHAT ? 50/50 time split or moving some guy into your home or having another guys child....things way way down the road or something else?


The current situation (virtual poly) is all he can give me without having major anxiety. He’s scared I’m going to want more and our relationship will be over because he wouldn’t be able to function. He’s still feeling anxiety now about it. He obsesses about things and just rolls things around in his mind over and over and over.
DOES he have a history with anxiety in other areas or should I say all areas in his life. Or is this something new ?


His thoughts are very visual too. When he thinks about me with someone else, he’s actually seeing it.
I’m confused I thought you said it turned him on . And that he visualized / had fantasies about 3somes ??
I know this must be very painful but it’s not up to me to make that stop. I wish he’d acknowledge and take responsibility for his obsessive nature. I hope therapy helps too. I want more but my priority right now is keeping our family intact.
Is this couples therapy or his individual therapy ?? Because if you’re involved you might want to lightly open the door to the topics of cuckolding and hotwifing.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
He’s afraid I’ll ask for more then he can give.

You can ask for anything. Even flying elephants. He still has a voice. He can tell you "No thanks. I am not into that." Then the ball's in your court. Or is that the problem? He's not good at saying "No" to you?

The current situation (virtual poly) is all he can give me without having major anxiety. He’s scared I’m going to want more and our relationship will be over because he wouldn’t be able to function.

How well is he functioning NOW?

He’s still feeling anxiety now about it. He obsesses about things and just rolls things around in his mind over and over and over. His thoughts are very visual too. When he thinks about me with someone else, he’s actually seeing it. I know this must be very painful but it’s not up to me to make that stop.

Up to him to work with a therapist if he has distorted thinking or obsessions or whatever and he wants to stick around.

Alternately he can let things go with you and not have to deal in it as much.

I wish he’d acknowledge and take responsibility for his obsessive nature. I hope therapy helps too.

What does he do? Deny it is happening or something? Is he willing to go to therapy and do the work?

I want more but my priority right now is keeping our family intact.

Do you value "intact family" more than "health of the people?" Like if it was in order it would go...

  1. Keep the family intact
  2. Health of the people
  3. Wanting more relationships/poly

Just wondering why health of the people is not first.

Galagirl
 

Denden44

New member
Hi! Long story short, my husband and I have been trying to deal with my being poly for almost 3 years now. We have been married for 15+ years, we have 2 kids and no desire to divorce.

His ability to deal with my involvement with another person comes and goes. He’s basically decided that the only poly “relationship” he’s comfortable with is a virtual one. I went on an actual date with a real life person, (yay!!!) only to have the kiss be not great and my husband say he couldn’t handle anymore.

My husband is fine with me sexting, sharing pics, ect but no real life encounters. I think the only reason he’s fine is because he knows it turns me on and then what else am I to do but have sex with him.

Hubs wants one date and sexting to be enough for the rest of our lives. I’m just so angry and frustrated. He sees poly as a necrosis in our relationship. I see it as magical, strengthening and natural. He sees it as a problem that need to be gotten over. His insecurities through out the years of our relationship are all he can see whenever we’ve tried to open up. I love him and have been open and honest about my feelings. I just want things to be different. He just wants to blame polyamory, me and his ex girlfriends for his pain.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just needed a place to put some of my thoughts.
Hi oh well at least is let's u texting and post pics it's a start never know he might change is mind someday
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Hi! Long story short, my husband and I have been trying to deal with my being poly for almost 3 years now. We have been married for 15+ years, we have 2 kids and no desire to divorce.

His ability to deal with my involvement with another person comes and goes. He’s basically decided that the only poly “relationship” he’s comfortable with is a virtual one. I went on an actual date with a real life person, (yay!!!) only to have the kiss be not great and my husband say he couldn’t handle anymore.

My husband is fine with me sexting, sharing pics, ect but no real life encounters. I think the only reason he’s fine is because he knows it turns me on and then what else am I to do but have sex with him.

Hubs wants one date and sexting to be enough for the rest of our lives. I’m just so angry and frustrated. He sees poly as a necrosis in our relationship. I see it as magical, strengthening and natural. He sees it as a problem that need to be gotten over. His insecurities through out the years of our relationship are all he can see whenever we’ve tried to open up. I love him and have been open and honest about my feelings. I just want things to be different. He just wants to blame polyamory, me and his ex girlfriends for his pain.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just needed a place to put some of my thoughts.
I don't know about your husband, but for me the hardest part was feeling like I've been replaced and don't matter anymore. Watching some other guy laugh and giggle and have inside jokes with her like we used to. Watching this after all the work we've put into our relationship but having our relationship weighed down by all the shit we've had to survive together. Doesn't mean we're done but doesn't make it easier to watch other people get what you wish you could have. Maybe your husband's like me. Having my own partner for sure made things easier. Hope everything works out for the best for you!
 
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