Mono/poly relationship

M

Monofeelinlovepoly

New member
Hello everyone,

I am in search of advice. I am dating a man who is polyamorous. I am very monogamous. It is still a new relationship, but I am trying to decide whether it has a chance of working before I risk his heart (and mine) too much.

He has a secondary partner (forgive me if I mess up terms) and a couple more casual relationships. I'm apparently the primary?. He says that means he wants to build a life with me (live together, kids).

I struggle with it, but am open to trying to make it work. I've heard of writing up a contract, and I like the idea of defined boundries. But I want to be reasonable - well I have to be. If you have suggestions for things to think about I would be grateful.

How do you have a discussion about rules when you don't know what will happen in the future? What if he meets someone and likes them more or wants to spend more time with them? How can I ensure both of our needs are met? How do I feel secure? I worry he won't have enough time for me.

Also, information sharing. He tells his secondary partner a lot of information and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I would prefer she knows nothing about me or our relationship but that may not be reasonable. He would really like us to be friends or at least on ok terms. I really struggle with that part. What in your opinion is reasonable? Any tips for how to make that work?

He is very open about it and really wants me to feel secure. I know it will take compromise on both sides.

Any advice?
 
Mono-poly can work, but it has to be the right fit, and the people have to share similar values and life goals.

Do you have that here?

First off, what do you mean by "monogamous?" Do you mean you want to love one sweetie, and be in a relationship model that has only 2 people in it... just you and your sweetie? Like strict monogamy?

If so...

What are you doing dating a guy who is polyamorous and already has a secondary relationship and a couple more casual relationships? That's a dude that comes with at least 3 other partners. He isn't going to give you want you want -- strict monogamy. Rather than bend into pretzels, it might be easier to call it quits before either of you gets deeply attached. :(

Part of feeling secure in a relationship is picking someone with similar relationships wants, values, and goals in the first place. I'm not sure you have that here. :(

Right now you already struggle being here.

You are not comfortable with how much info he tells his secondary partner about you. (With or without your consent?)

You struggle with the idea of being on ok terms with his secondary partner.

You are worried about him adding even more partners and not having enough time for you.

Plus if you married him and had kids like he wants... are you just there to get stuck with that load while he goes off to fun with his other partners?

Is he going to have kids with other partners?

Is he going to have commitment ceremonies and legal paperwork with other partners?

Those are reasonable concerns.

If this relationship is new... what's the rush to make you primary? He wants the fast track to marriage and kids?

I'd tread VERY carefully here. No matter how handsome or great he is... some things one just cannot compromise on.

One person wanting monogamy and the other wanting polyamory -- these things are at odds.

It might be different if you were monoamorous (wanting to love 1 sweetie) and something like "relationship shape flexible." Where you KNOW you can do well in either monogamous relationship models or in open/poly models as and end point.

And even then, just how flexible? Like you are maybe ok as the end point in a "V" model or "N model." But not excited about being in a very large poly constellation. Right now his poly network comes with the 3 people... do they have other partners also? How big is this network? Are you ok with the size of it?

And the kids and marriage issues are a big ones. I'm poly and my spouse considers himself poly-friendly, but neither one of us wanted/wants kids with other people. We agreed on "genetic monogamy" a long time ago and want to get to empty nest and retirement. We're not starting over with kids now!

I don't know if these might help you think on things for making agreements.


Remember that not everyone you date will be a runner though.

Reasonable boundaries around safer sex practices, information management, being "basic polite" if you bump into one of his other partners on the street somewhere... Those are ok.

But don't bother doing all that work if you know deep down this one just isn't a runner. And the main reason for the boundaries and agreement making is just to make it so you can keep going with this dude while ignoring that it just isn't a runner. Sometimes I see people making all these agreements to "protect" themselves from listening to the smoke alarm that this isn't a runner... when it's just easier to shake hands and go "Thanks. I enjoyed knowing you. This isn't a match for me, but I wish you well and hope you find someone who is."

So I encourage you to do your soul searching.

Would you be excited about doing mono-poly with another guy? Cuz you love doing mono-poly? Or are you trying to make it work just so you can keep going with THIS guy? And are you going against your own grain if you do that?

Those are things only you can answer for yourself.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Monofeelinlovepoly,

A mono/poly relationship can work -- for some people. Not for all people. You have to decide if a mono/poly relationship is right for you. As for rules, I think that for the most part, it is better for both of you to understand that rules may be established in the future as situations arise that make the need for this or that rule apparent. Right now, I think you need to make a rule that he will not share private information about you with his other (his secondary) partner. You want parallel poly, and he should respect that.

Another rule to make at this time would be, he has to commit to meeting your needs even if at some time in the future he meets someone else he is very interested in. You are his primary partner. He needs to promise that his primary is what you'll always be. If he's not willing to promise that, you may want to rethink the relationship. Make a rule that he will always give you the amount of time that you need from him. He has to figure out how to also make time for his other partners, it's not your job to figure that out for him.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
Mono-poly can work, but it has to be the right fit, and the people have to share similar values and life goals.

Do you have that here?

First off, what do you mean by "monogamous?" Do you mean you want to love one sweetie, and be in a relationship model that has only 2 people in it... just you and your sweetie? Like strict monogamy?

If so...

What are you doing dating a guy who is polyamorous and already has a secondary relationship and a couple more casual relationships? That's a dude that comes with at least 3 other partners. He isn't going to give you want you want -- strict monogamy. Rather than bend into pretzels, it might be easier to call it quits before either of you gets deeply attached. :(

Part of feeling secure in a relationship is picking someone with similar relationships wants, values, and goals in the first place. I'm not sure you have that here. :(

Right now you already struggle being here.

You are not comfortable with how much info he tells his secondary partner about you. (With or without your consent?)

You struggle with the idea of being on ok terms with his secondary partner.

You are worried about him adding even more partners and not having enough time for you.

Plus if you married him and had kids like he wants... are you just there to get stuck with that load while he goes off to fun with his other partners?

Is he going to have kids with other partners?

Is he going to have commitment ceremonies and legal paperwork with other partners?

Those are reasonable concerns.

If this relationship is new... what's the rush to make you primary? He wants the fast track to marriage and kids?

I'd tread VERY carefully here. No matter how handsome or great he is... some things one just cannot compromise on.

One person wanting monogamy and the other wanting polyamory -- these things are at odds.

It might be different if you were monoamorous (wanting to love 1 sweetie) and something like "relationship shape flexible." Where you KNOW you can do well in either monogamous relationship models or in open/poly models as and end point.

And even then, just how flexible? Like you are maybe ok as the end point in a "V" model or "N model." But not excited about being in a very large poly constellation. Right now his poly network comes with the 3 people... do they have other partners also? How big is this network? Are you ok with the size of it?

And the kids and marriage issues are a big ones. I'm poly and my spouse considers himself poly-friendly, but neither one of us wanted/wants kids with other people. We agreed on "genetic monogamy" a long time ago and want to get to empty nest and retirement. We're not starting over with kids now!

I don't know if these might help you think on things for making agreements.


Remember that not everyone you date will be a runner though.

Reasonable boundaries around safer sex practices, information management, being "basic polite" if you bump into one of his other partners on the street somewhere... Those are ok.

But don't bother doing all that work if you know deep down this one just isn't a runner. And the main reason for the boundaries and agreement making is just to make it so you can keep going with this dude while ignoring that it just isn't a runner. Sometimes I see people making all these agreements to "protect" themselves from listening to the smoke alarm that this isn't a runner... when it's just easier to shake hands and go "Thanks. I enjoyed knowing you. This isn't a match for me, but I wish you well and hope you find someone who is."

So I encourage you to do your soul searching.

Would you be excited about doing mono-poly with another guy? Cuz you love doing mono-poly? Or are you trying to make it work just so you can keep going with THIS guy? And are you going against your own grain if you do that?

Those are things only you can answer for yourself.

Galagirl
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Thank you so much for the advice.

To answer your questions:

By monogamous, I do mean my preference would be strict monogamy. I've never tried anything else though.

Dating him was not intentional on either side. It started off as a sex thing but both of us realized we wanted more.

I don't deny it would be easier to walk away, but we want to try and see if we can work it out. I'm being cautious about it though and learning more about it helps me to make informed decisions.

He does not want kids or marriage with anyone but his primary partner. I guess the reason I'm primary is because he doesn't want that with the others. The seconday knows about me and is supportive of us dating. She thinks we would be good together. She is happy with her relationship with him and doesn't want more. They don't go on dates. They hang out. She sees him about once a week for a sleepover and maybe one other hangout session. They text regulary.

She's offered to speak with me, and he thinks it would be good for us to at least meet. But truthfully, I'm terrified of her. It's clear they are both happy with what they have and they don't want more but I'm threatened by it. Problem is, I know some of those feelings are due to PTSD and I am trying to distinguish.

He does not tell her everything but seeks her advice a lot. She knows who I am and what he wants with me and I'm ok with that. But we had a disagreement about the poly stuff, I was really upset and wasn't sure it would work kinda thing. We were texting, he was screenshoting our messages to send to her for advice. I'm not cool with that and we have addressed that.

He says once we live together the sleepovers will mostly stop because right now they are filling his need for cuddles at night. If we lived to together he would have me. Kids would be the priority, and I trust he is being truthfully about that. He actually would like to explore being a stay at home dad and homeschooling the kids.

He's military and moves sometimes. He says that a distinction between the primary partner and the others is that I would move with him.

The network is rather complicated. He had to draw a diagram. The other partners have partners too (both are poly).

If it wasn't for the difference in poly/mono we would be wonderful for eachother. So we want to at least see if I can be comfortable because I don't really know. I think it will take some compromise on both sides though.
 
Bf (he needs a nickname) seems to be torn between being conventional (marriage, kids, military career/moves, while being a committed dad) and alternative (quitting military to stay at home with kids long term and homeschooling, while remaining poly).

How do those 2 lifestyles co-exist in his head? How would he make that work? Would he expect you to carry his children and then go right back to work while he was the main caregiver to the kids? Would you want that? What if you want to breastfeed exclusively for at least several months? Do you make plenty of money to support a husband and at least one kid, plus all the other expenses?

I just don't understand his mindset and how this could work.
 
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Monofeelinlovepoly said:
He says once we live together the sleepovers will mostly stop because right now they are filling his need for cuddles at night. If we lived to together he would have me.
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Is his other lover fine with being suddenly dropped from the intimacy of overnight sex, cuddling and sleeping? That seems to be an outrageously cruel plan, assuming that she is currenty enjoying the overnights and all associated emotional intimacy. "Secondary" does not mean less important. Her needs must absolutely be part of the planning here. Right now, this man's plan treats both you and this woman like interchangeable stuffed animals.



How much experience does this man have with polyamory? So far, he's fallen into some big potholes:

1. Shares communication and intimate details without consent.
2. Assigns hierarchy roles to partners very early in the relationships.
3. Moves partners into his own need filling slots rather than respecting the needs of all partners and allowing relationships to unfold respectfully and naturally.
4. Pressures you to have interaction with your metamor (his other lover) that you clearly are not ready for.
5. ??
 
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Monofeelinlovepoly said:
She's offered to speak with me, and he thinks it would be good for us to at least meet. But truthfully, I'm terrified of her. It's clear they are both happy with what they have and they don't want more but I'm threatened by it. Problem is, I know some of those feelings are due to PTSD and I am trying to distinguish.
Click to expand...


It's great that you're working on yourself and past traumas. Do that for yourself. You'll have that work no matter what and you'll feel so much better for it. Do trauma work for yourself. Don't do trauma work for him. Don't try to get over something thinking that will clear the way for whatever he's recommending should happen. If you're not ready to meet this woman, then you are not ready. End of story. Respect that about yourself. You may eventually feel interested in speaking with her, but you may never be ready - and that is just fine. The important thing here is not to follow along with what he or she thinks is best, the important thing is for you to develop a more accurately tuned ear to your own inner voice. Whether a meetup with her is good or not completely depends on whether both you and she want that, not on what this man thinks should happen. Getting better at honoring your inner voice is the only change that needs to happen here.
 
If you and he move forward, I feel really sorry for her. She's done nothing wrong but it will effectively end their relationship on every level.

Thought experiment time... you've been the legal spouse for a while and something unforseen happens to him. Would you bar her from the hospital? Would you bar her from the funeral? Truthfully now.
 
Thank you for more info.

I don't think my advice really changes any -- if you are going to try this on to see if you can even do poly? Do your soul searching. And tread carefully with this guy. Slow WAY down.

It's a new relationship. Too soon to be talking marriage and kids. You started by hooking up. You are just barely starting to think about dating more seriously than hook ups.

And it is a big think, because he's asking you to go outside your usual dating framework into poly dating.

And he's running down the path of marriage and kids and following him from base to base already?

And you are like "Hold up. Stop showing your other partner my private texts?"

There's a gap there if you are sorting out basics and he's on weddings. What's his rush? I don't hear that you have even agreed to BE his primary... though he's certainly recruiting you for the job.

He does not want kids or marriage with anyone but his primary partner.
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So what's your plan if after dating a while and getting to know each other better....

You turn out NOT to be the right person for primary partner because you want different things than he does? Or you don't like poly? You break up with him? He wants to keep you on as a secondary? Or tertiary?

She's offered to speak with me, and he thinks it would be good for us to at least meet. But truthfully, I'm terrified of her. It's clear they are both happy with what they have and they don't want more but I'm threatened by it. Problem is, I know some of those feelings are due to PTSD and I am trying to distinguish.
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"Thanks! I'll let you know if/when I'm ready."

Deal with one thing at time. It's ok to back burner meeting her. You have a lot going on without that.

He does not tell her everything but seeks her advice a lot. She knows who I am and what he wants with me and I'm ok with that. But we had a disagreement about the poly stuff, I was really upset and wasn't sure it would work kinda thing. We were texting, he was screenshoting our messages to send to her for advice. I'm not cool with that and we have addressed that.
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I certainly hope you sorted that out. Sending private texts to another dating partner or another person without your consent is not respectful.

But did the disagreement about poly stuff get sorted? Or is it still up in the air?

Sounds like he's been depending on her for a lot of stuff that will change once he starts dating you more seriously, again if you become his primary, and again if he gets married to you.

He says once we live together the sleepovers will mostly stop because right now they are filling his need for cuddles at night. If we lived to together he would have me. Kids would be the priority, and I trust he is being truthfully about that. He actually would like to explore being a stay at home dad and homeschooling the kids.
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Dang, you just agreed to think about poly dating and now he wants to live together?

DO NOT AGREE. Be on the lookout for love bombing. Coming on too strong and too fast.

Then he wants be a SAHD? When's his military retirement?

He's military and moves sometimes. He says that a distinction between the primary partner and the others is that I would move with him.
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Do you even WANT to move around places following a military BF to and fro? How would that affect your own career and dreams? Do you want to deal in poly LDR?

Can can he even be married with all these partners while in active service? He can be single dating lots of partners, but not married. The US Military is very strict about "adultery" and he could be punished with jail, lose his pay/pension, and get a dishonorable discharge if they go for max punishment. Are you both aware of that? (And if not US military, then check the rules for your military.)

Be REALLY careful you don't get yourself involved in a mess there.

If it wasn't for the difference in poly/mono we would be wonderful for each other. So we want to at least see if I can be comfortable because I don't really know. I think it will take some compromise on both sides though.
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That's a pretty big difference. It is not a "small thing."

Trying on "dating a poly dude" to see if you can handle poly is one thing. You can try for a while and see if it's ok for you or not.

And keep in mind that you might be able to handle poly just fine... with someone ELSE and not this guy. Because he comes with complications like a lot of other partners, military, sounding like he wants to be on the fast track to cohabitation, marriage, kids etc.

Just like not everyone is automatically compatible just because both want monogamy? Not everyone is automatically compatible just because both want poly. And in your case, you don't sound like you want poly per se. You are wiling to try it on to see if you can deal with it so you can be with this dude.

So have the experiment if you want. Just don't rush into the cohabitation, marriage or kids part. Get to know each other better.

Date for at least 2+ years so the NRE wears off because making any big decisions like living together.

Galagirl
 
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One of the biggest hurdles to mono/poly is searching your heart and deciding if the idea of someone else making him as happy as you do is something you can live with. There will be constant sharing, both time and affections. Be able to stand on your own.
 
Magdlyn said:
Bf (he needs a nickname) seems to be torn between being conventional (marriage, kids, military career/moves, while being a committed dad) and alternative (quitting military to stay at home with kids long term and homeschooling, while remaining poly).

How do those 2 lifestyles co-exist in his head? How would he make that work? Would he expect you to carry his children and then go right back to work while he was the main caregiver to the kids? Would you want that? What if you want to breastfeed exclusively for at least several months? Do you make plenty of money to support a husband and at least one kid, plus all the other expenses?

I just don't understand his mindset and how this could work.
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I did not explain myself properly. He has another 8 years of military service before he can retire with a full pension (50% of his payrate). I am currently in school and plan to qualify as a lawyer in about 4 years. He would like to retire in 8-10 years and be a stay at home dad. I would be done school by then. I have a child (2) so I am aware of how taxing it is. However, I hated maternity leave. I would probably take a few month off and then go back.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Is his other lover fine with being suddenly dropped from the intimacy of overnight sex, cuddling and sleeping? That seems to be an outrageously cruel plan, assuming that she is currenty enjoying the overnights and all associated emotional intimacy. "Secondary" does not mean less important. Her needs must absolutely be part of the planning here. Right now, this man's plan treats both you and this woman like interchangeable stuffed animals.



How much experience does this man have with polyamory? So far, he's fallen into some big potholes:

1. Shares communication and intimate details without consent.
2. Assigns hierarchy roles to partners very early in the relationships.
3. Moves partners into his own need filling slots rather than respecting the needs of all partners and allowing relationships to unfold respectfully and naturally.
4. Pressures you to have interaction with your metamor (his other lover) that you clearly are not ready for.
5. ??
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She knows, and is seemly supportive of that plan. (I haven't spoken to her directly yet). She seems to sleep over more to meet his needs of cuddling more than her own. She had multiple other partners as weel.

1) He's been poly his entire life. With regards to sharing the messages, he states that he thought he was losing me. So I guess he was looking for support, more than advice. He's promised not to do that again.

2) His distinction between primary and secondary is that the primary partner he wants to build a life with. He doesn't have that with her so she is by that definition not a primary.

3) I really don't think I am explaining it right.

4) I agree. I think it just hurts him to see her presence affect me and he wants to fix that.
 
FallenAngelina said:
It's great that you're working on yourself and past traumas. Do that for yourself. You'll have that work no matter what and you'll feel so much better for it. Do trauma work for yourself. Don't do trauma work for him. Don't try to get over something thinking that will clear the way for whatever he's recommending should happen. If you're not ready to meet this woman, then you are not ready. End of story. Respect that about yourself. You may eventually feel interested in speaking with her, but you may never be ready - and that is just fine. The important thing here is not to follow along with what he or she thinks is best, the important thing is for you to develop a more accurately tuned ear to your own inner voice. Whether a meetup with her is good or not completely depends on whether both you and she want that, not on what this man thinks should happen. Getting better at honoring your inner voice is the only change that needs to happen here.
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Thank you for this advice. I will consider it. I will continue with therapy regardless of what happens with him.
 
Evie said:
If you and he move forward, I feel really sorry for her. She's done nothing wrong but it will effectively end their relationship on every level.

Thought experiment time... you've been the legal spouse for a while and something unforseen happens to him. Would you bar her from the hospital? Would you bar her from the funeral? Truthfully now.
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She's supportive of us moving forward because she thinks I would make him happy. I do agree it would in the long run alter their relationship. It feels very foreign to me to have to consider that.

I assume you are talking critical condition kinda thing not a broken arm. I would not bar her from the funeral but I think the hospital is more tricky and it would depend a lot on circumstance. I honestly don't know but thank you for the thought material.
 
Monofeelinlovepoly said:
Known each other 8 months. Been dating just over 6.
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OK, dating for 6 months, and some of that time was just thought of as casually hooking up. It's far too soon to be seriously thinking about marriage and kids yet. It's fine he wants marriage and kids, and to retire young(ish) and become a stay at home dad in 8-10 years. If you would like more kids, fine. However, you've got one kid, and you're going to law school right now, so it sounds like that child and your career aspirations are on your front burner now; more kids (with this guy or another one) is less of a priority.

I'm not sure how he can "homeschool" in 8-10 years, unless he has a wife/gf who is of a decent childbearing age at around that time. Otherwise, you'd be yanking the kid(s) out of school after they were already accustomed to it. Even your present child, who is 2, would be 10 in 8 years. Some kids hate school, or are struggling emotionally/socially and are glad to become homeschooled at a later age. But many have a nice group of friends by then. And at 10 they are on the cusp of adolescence, and generally want to fit in with their school peers at that point. It would be something they'd have a say in.
 
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