Czeverny90
New member
Hello, everyone. I am in a gay (male) open relationship, where we are sexually non-exclusive. The relationship was complicated from the start, as we were living on two different continents. However, after one year we decided to finally live together and he moved to where I was living. While we had talked in the past about monogamy and his sexual drive, he came completely clean only when we moved together (although it was not a permanent move yet). He said he had the need to sleep with other people and that he didn't believe that monogamy equaled love (I knew this is what he thought, but I didn't realize he wanted an open relationship until then). In principle, I believe that monogamy isn't fit for most people, and considering my previous experiences where I myself had had virtual flings and even one hook-up (i.e. I cheated) during relationships, I believe it isn't a good fit for me either. However, I have never been that much into meaningless hook-ups and I realized that most of my virtual flings were mostly related to self-esteem issues (but partly, also the desire to flirt with other people just for the sake of it I guess).
So, long story short, we decided to start an open relationship with an agreement based on being honest with each other and restricting frequency, as the latter would make me feel more comfortable. He said he wanted to do that as a commitment to the relationship but also to himself.
Anyway, during lockdown it became increasingly clear that not sleeping with other people causes him to suffer. On about three occasions during lockdown this April/May he was suffering because he was also feeling guilty for being the way he is that he couldn't even speak to me much, or hug me. Fortunately, those days are now gone and even when we were still stuck at home he found a way to accept himself and act normally (speaking, interacting, laughing). After that, he has met with two guys just for NSAs. However, now that a month has passed from the last hook-up he feels the need again. I understand that, but he says sometimes he gets obsessed with these thoughts and I think it'd be good if he knew how to process them differently but he likes to deal with things his own way. Anyway, the real problem for me is that I still feel a bit jealous/angry when I hear these things (although I show him understanding and I voice my jealousy only as a statement, as I want to own my emotions and manage them myself), but I also feel rejected because when he starts feeling like that he doesn't want to have sex with me. While I know (and he confirmed multiple times) that it has nothing to do with me, this rejection still hurts me a little and I start wondering if this relationship is good for me. In a way, it makes me grow even more in terms of self-esteem because I don't want it to depend on anyone but myself. But on the other hand, we are very different. I have had one or two very brief virtual exchanges of hot messages with other guys and then I also had sex with another guy. I know this doesn't change my feelings for him and I know it's the same for him too, but some things still bother me. Another thing it's that he uses grindr quite often apparently to check out guys or exchange hot pics, but sometimes he also posts flirty/sexual-like tweets on his account (like asking if his contacts have masturbated already, or expressing in sexual-jokey way with other guys. He doesn't have many followers and he doesn't post nudes, but still sometimes when I read these things I get jealous and irritated but I don't feel like it's my place as I don't think he's actually doing something bad.
I have been having therapy for mild anxiety and mild depression already way before him, and now that I am with him my main topics in therapy are my relationship and my work (my therapist says that it's simply because these are the two most important things for me at the moment). I suggested we could do couple therapy but we only had a session once when we started talking about the agreement and for him that was enough, so he's not open to the idea of keeping that.
I don't know why I am writing here, I guess because I don't have any friends who are in an open relationship and I wanted to seek some opinions. I hope this is a safe space and to not receive any judgments. Thank you for reading and responding.
So, long story short, we decided to start an open relationship with an agreement based on being honest with each other and restricting frequency, as the latter would make me feel more comfortable. He said he wanted to do that as a commitment to the relationship but also to himself.
Anyway, during lockdown it became increasingly clear that not sleeping with other people causes him to suffer. On about three occasions during lockdown this April/May he was suffering because he was also feeling guilty for being the way he is that he couldn't even speak to me much, or hug me. Fortunately, those days are now gone and even when we were still stuck at home he found a way to accept himself and act normally (speaking, interacting, laughing). After that, he has met with two guys just for NSAs. However, now that a month has passed from the last hook-up he feels the need again. I understand that, but he says sometimes he gets obsessed with these thoughts and I think it'd be good if he knew how to process them differently but he likes to deal with things his own way. Anyway, the real problem for me is that I still feel a bit jealous/angry when I hear these things (although I show him understanding and I voice my jealousy only as a statement, as I want to own my emotions and manage them myself), but I also feel rejected because when he starts feeling like that he doesn't want to have sex with me. While I know (and he confirmed multiple times) that it has nothing to do with me, this rejection still hurts me a little and I start wondering if this relationship is good for me. In a way, it makes me grow even more in terms of self-esteem because I don't want it to depend on anyone but myself. But on the other hand, we are very different. I have had one or two very brief virtual exchanges of hot messages with other guys and then I also had sex with another guy. I know this doesn't change my feelings for him and I know it's the same for him too, but some things still bother me. Another thing it's that he uses grindr quite often apparently to check out guys or exchange hot pics, but sometimes he also posts flirty/sexual-like tweets on his account (like asking if his contacts have masturbated already, or expressing in sexual-jokey way with other guys. He doesn't have many followers and he doesn't post nudes, but still sometimes when I read these things I get jealous and irritated but I don't feel like it's my place as I don't think he's actually doing something bad.
I have been having therapy for mild anxiety and mild depression already way before him, and now that I am with him my main topics in therapy are my relationship and my work (my therapist says that it's simply because these are the two most important things for me at the moment). I suggested we could do couple therapy but we only had a session once when we started talking about the agreement and for him that was enough, so he's not open to the idea of keeping that.
I don't know why I am writing here, I guess because I don't have any friends who are in an open relationship and I wanted to seek some opinions. I hope this is a safe space and to not receive any judgments. Thank you for reading and responding.