Going with what you said, me and my girlfriend are both women. I probably should’ve prefaced that at the beginning, so that’s my bad.
Okay. It makes a bit of a difference, given our culture, but relationships are relationships, no matter the gender.
We want to do a sperm donor to have our kids.
If you're going to go to the trouble and expense to do that, you want to make sure you are both on the same page, as far as relationship form, and what kind of parenting you want to do. Most straight couples can have kids at the drop of a hat, but going into a gay parenting situation takes more consideration, right?
No, she didn’t spit out her desires at me during an argument, per se. There’s been a lot of stuff going on with her life as of right now-- constant deaths...
I am sorry for that stress!
There was a girl at the hospital she was at that she was talking about. I brought it up and said, "It seems like you want her." She kinda got upset, and was trying to deny it to herself. Once everything calmed down, she told me that I basically was right, that she did want someone else, and that she responded the way she did because she's never truly been able to go through with anything in the poly world because she's always seen herself as a “whore” for wanting more than one person.
Sadly, in our culture, there is so much pressure on us to find "The One." Anything else can be seen as morally corrupt, evil, even. This is becoming less so. The ideal of being married and mono forever, given our long lives, given that alternative love styles, being queer, loving more than one, especially if we are bi or pansexual, is seeming less relevant to many. Lots of people feel this way (that they
must be mono, no matter what), and suppress and deny their true desires, even to themselves. The result of this suppression can be ugly, even deadly.
A very interesting book on this topic is
Sex at Dawn. Check it out on Amazon. It's an anthropological look at humans' promiscuous natures, which have been pushed down by "civilization."
When we first got together, she kinda suppressed those feelings so she wouldn’t hurt me. But now that the conversation is here and clear, she wants to try it out. The main reason that this is completely messing with me is because she’s supposed to move in soon with me, and I wanted to propose to her in like 6 months to a year. And then shortly after, we were wanting to start with the sperm donors for her to get pregnant and bear the first kid.
Okay, these plans might be jumping the gun a little. I am glad her polyamorous feelings were revealed before moving in together, getting married and starting a family! I'd suggest putting the brakes on all of that. You've only been dating six months? One doesn't really get to know someone until at least a year, more like two, after you've been through some ups and downs together. Right now, you're really still in the infatuation phase, or what polyamorists call the "new relationship energy" (NRE) phase. You're still riding the high of hormones.
Maybe you're both getting into your 30s and feeling your bio-clocks ticking? But still, do not rush bringing the whole TTC and newborn thing into it yet, as you two still do not know, understand, accept and
celebrate joyfully each other's sexualities and relationship preferences.
I know that polyamory can be even less accepted in the lesbian community than it is in the hetero world, not to mention the gay male world. So take your time with dealing with all this. (I'm AFAB, non-binary, and my one partner is MtoF trans. We've been accepted by older lesbians as lesbians, but been looked at askance when people find out we both have boyfriends too. But this depends on geographic areas, how progressive they are.)
I just don’t want our son/daughter to see their other mom out with a guy/girl and see them kissing and her [hear?] the wrong ideology of it.
We do have threads here on this. Just search "kids and poly," or "children and poly." Most kids accept their parents' relationship choices, as long as the parents are on the same page, be it polyamory, swinging, having close queer platonic partners, D/s power dynamics, or whatever. Of course, coming out and being out as ethical non-monogamists is just as tricky as coming out as gay/queer/bi. That topic is discussed here all the time.
Older kids and teens today are well-exposed, through social media, to the concept of open relationships and polyamory, as well as queer topics. So I wouldn't really worry too much about that.
I would prefer her to wait on acting on anything, but that’s also not my choice.
What does this mean? Wait until you've been together a whole year, two years? Until you're living together, or married? Until you've had a couple kids and they are school age?
Try reading some articles and books from our resource list here:
When I was first talking abt this with her and some other friends, she had said, “I want to leave you, so you don’t have to go through this, because I feel bad for making you do this for me.”
Maybe she would be better off with someone who is also polyamorous or polysexual, yes. This is going to be a big struggle. She is not really okay with her love style/nature/preferences, so how can you be? And ultimately, you
should not "do it for her." Polyamory should be approached with the full and joyful knowledge and consent of all involved. There has to be something in it for you, too. If there isn't, after giving it a good try, it is not recommended to "bend yourself into pretzels" just to hold on to her. That will just mean constant pain.
“I just can’t see my future without you in it."
But on the other hand, maybe you two can work it out, if you have the strength and desire. However, sometimes love is not enough.
All the people i was asking were telling me to leave... At first I had thought about breaking up with her, but we’ve been together awhile. I want to try this out with her, because, as she said, I can’t look 15 years into the future and not see her with me... We’ve imagined so much of our life together, that I can’t see myself being monogamous for another person but her.
Again, it's only been six months. That is really not long at all.
And "imagining a future" is just fantasy. Reality is something else. I can see you feel very strongly for each other. Trying to make this work is your (shared) choice. I recommend lots of reading, here on the board, plus the articles and books and podcast from our resources. You have a lot of desires to take into consideration. Hard choices and life-altering changes are coming.
