My new partner talks too much

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ewn1108

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Hi all, I'm married to Nick (together for almost 20 years) and in a new relationship with Kai (together for two months). I'm the hinge. As Kai and I start to grow in our relationship together, something that I've noticed is that our communication styles are very different. Specifically, Kai talks a lot and doesn't seem to have learned how to have a reciprocal conversation with someone. They will tell these long stories and doesn't seem to notice when I'm tuning out. They are also not very good at asking me questions about my life in a way of getting to know me. I often have to volunteer or interrupt so that I can add to the conversation. I spoke to Kai about this right in the beginning, after our first date actually, when it felt like there wasn't as much time on their part in asking me questions about who I am, and they received the feedback really well and made some corrections.

But I think I need to be a bit more specific about how having one-sided conversations and lopsided interest feels to me. I just don't know how to do it. I really care for Kai and see a future with them. But not feeling like I have space (or interest) to tell Kai about myself is the one thing that is making me feel nervous about moving forward. I should also mention that Kai is neurodivergent and I suspect that that might have something to do with their communication style, which is something I want to be sensitive to.

What advice would you give me here? I know to a certain extent, we communicate how we communicate, but I feel like it's possible for Kai to learn how to do this better, to develop this skill to be with me, specifically.

How might I bring this up to Kai in a way that creates space for deeper understanding, learning, and intimacy? Have you dealt with anything similar? I did some searching on the internet about this, but I was curious about your take from a poly perspective. Thanks!
 
I agree there is no "poly perspective" on this. I'll try a neurodivergent one though.

You could have a go at communicating in the same style. Your interjecting or volunteering information is likely to be perfectly fine (or very welcome) to them. As you said, they are ND, so there's a good chance they think you're weirdly unforthcoming and they have to carry the conversation. So, perhaps it's possible for you to learn how to do this better, develop this skill to be with them specifically. (Just using your words to highlight that there is possibly a similar perspective, reversed, from them.)

Also, it is quite possible that asking questions in a conversation is something they will learn in time, given enough opportunities to understand that it's not rude to ask. It will probably always be uncomfortable to them though. Depending on the type of ND, there's a chance that after you are through the "getting to know you" conversations, their communication style will relax into something more manageable for you; that you'll naturally begin to meet each other halfway. But right now, they are probably excited to share a lot of themselves with you and that's coming across as disinterested in you. Yet they could be trying to offer up a lot of information to see what you resonate with and share something similar. The information they are providing is your prompt, rather than a direct question (which, again, could feel very rude to them).

Since it sounds like they have disclosed their neurodivergence to you, then if you want to discuss the communication style mismatch, you could lead with asking them about what their particular flavour of ND means for their preferred conversation style (note, for some of us it's rude to ask questions but not to be asked questions). They may or may not be able to articulate it, depending on how much they have been taught about different communication styles. But you could explain how your NT style is more like a one-for-one question (or whatever would work for you.)

Or, if it's just too annoying for you, then just don't see them anymore.

I read this out to my husband and he has a quite different take on it. He broke up with someone a few years ago who never showed any interest in anything outside her personal sphere of interest. It wasn't the only reason they broke up. To everyone's knowledge she was NT, but it became draining after a while. The relationship couldn't be sustained with one-way conversations. He pointed out that if something is annoying now, it will only be worse in six months.
 
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I once dated an autistic man. Actually, we had a 2 1/2 year relationship. He would go on and on in monologues about his own interests. But if something about my interests, say, looking at a portfolio of my artwork, piqued his interest, he would gladly dive into it. He liked to geek out about various kinds of information. I learned how to communicate with him. But I do recall one time when I was trying to explain an aspect of a certain topic that interested me, and after I typed out some stuff, he got all angry with me at going on for too long. The pot called the kettle black.

I gave this guy a lot of leeway, because many things about him were very attractive and appealing, but eventually I realized he was not just autistic, he was a narcissist and was just mirroring me to get me to give him his narc supply. He was an energy vampire, and toxic.

But that is just my own experience. I really try to stay away from people who hog all the space in a conversation though, even more after that guy. It can start to seem too much like mansplaining too, and I can't tolerate that.

As a mod, since this isn't a polyamory subject, I am going to move this to Fireplace.
 
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Hello ewn1108,

I suppose the thing to say to Kai is, "When you dominate the conversation, I feel _____. When you don't ask me any questions about me, I feel _____. I appreciate the efforts you've made in those areas, and I hope you'll keep trying. Is there anything I can do to help?" Something to that effect. This is a conversation that might work best in an email (or smail) format, if you're worried that K will interrupt you.

Hopefully this thread has been helpful to you so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and my apologies for putting this in the wrong room. I appreciate you!
 
Thanks, I'm glad if we could help.
 
I know it's from last year, but having worked in the ND sector, sometimes agreeing a visual cue to allow the individual to know they are going on a bit is really useful. Further explanation upon request👩‍🏫👩‍🏫
 

ewn1108 -

Has the situation improved?​

 
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