Hey, y'all. I'm Kes.
I'm a pansexual polyamorous person. I've been dating my high school sweetheart, Zero, for about ten years now. (For privacy purposes, imma use throwaway names.) About a year into our relationship, I told him I was polyamorous and wanted an open relationship. He didn't take kindly to that. Apparently, all his girlfriends up until that point had either cheated behind his back or asked for an open relationship and left him behind for another person. So when I asked him for an open relationship, the only reason he tried was because I was different from his exes.
At this time, I ran into an old crush from middle school and reconnected with him. Tony was every bit as cool as I remembered him. We were both happy that he was available this time. But this relationship only lasted a few months, as Zero got jealous and started arguments with me, claiming I'd leave him for Tony, even though what I wanted wasn't even a tangible thought at the time. I just wanted to learn what an ENM felt like, rather than just read about it.
I wanted to cherish my own chosen family and share love with people who'd actually appreciate me. I never wanted Zero to think I didn't care about him or was trying to leave him for anyone. So I broke up with Tony and stayed with Zero to repair his trust in me and our relationship, and also remind him I AM polyamorous and want ENM and he needs to seriously consider that if he wants to stay with me.
It's been nine years since that hiccup. I would like to believe that Zero's and my relationship has strengthened. I find myself constantly having to remind myself that he still loves me and cares for me, even though my loneliness has added to my depression.
I've stopped cooking, cleaning, and caring for myself, but he hasn't noticed because he loves to take care of me. I've been blaming it on school as it got worse, because I don't want him to feel bad if what I think is happening is actually happening...
Last time I told him I'd start to get depressed feeling trapped like this, it felt like I was manipulating him rather than warning him. But, at least we talk more openly about polyamory now. At least I get to express my feelings and thoughts with him. I still hold back because I fear my feelings may make him feel unwanted again, but if I find myself thinking too hard I actually speak up about it so as not to worry him.
So, close to our ten year anniversary, Tony comes back into my life. He's had his hardships without me and is possibly traumatized from a past relationship. I still care for him, so when he reached out looking for a friend, I provided. We had ended things very awkwardly and angrily, so talking again was, at first, weird. But I was drawn to his trauma, and I wanted to heal him somehow, so I pried and pried. I ended up discovering he still had feelings for me. It shocked me because I was still attracted to him.
I actually didn't figure out until a couple months later that I still liked him, until Zero mentioned I could have a threesome for my birthday. I don't just sleep around. I like to open up to people I've gotten to know. So when Zero mentioned this, I knew he knew something I didn't quite know yet-- that I was still head over heels for Tony.
Since then, I've confessed to Tony that I have feelings for him, but I also love and care for Zero and am still dating him. I've told Zero about this. We've been talking even more about my polyamory and how to start a non-monogamous relationship, with no current plans to include Tony. Tony has stated that he's learned from the past and wants nothing more than to be in my life, as just a friend with a complicated past.
But things have gotten a little complicated now. Last year, Tony wanted to make a thanksgiving meal for Zero and me, as a thank you for allowing him back into my life. I was so excited, I called my best friend (who's also poly) and talked about my joy in a callous manner. I said things like, "It feels like a dream I've always had," and "I'm so excited, I could have his baby!" (I should note here, I'm afraid of hospitals and birth) His girlfriend told me that I was going to cheat on Zero thinking like that, and I should just end it now since he had me trapped. I didn't like hearing that, so I've gone low contact with them both and started talking to Tony more.
After that, I slipped up. I had to tell Zero that Tony and I sometimes flirt. But it's never "Oh, I'm so bad! I shouldn't~" *wink wink flirt* but rather, "Oh, you want to make an inappropriate joke? I mean, it's not bad, right? ... Oh, yeah. Never..." *blushes* "Never say that again, okay?"
I told him it got bad once, and we haven't flirted since, but I wanted to tell him cuz I thought it was funny how it happened, and couldn't because I knew I cheated somehow. He wasn't mad, but relieved (?). I still don't get it.
Plus, when Zero and I tried shrooms together recently, and I spent half the time crying and apologizing for being polyamorous and in love with "other people," he just patted my head and kissed me and said "It's fine," over and over again, and told me how much he loves me.
Whenever I look at Zero, I see a giant cuddly teddy bear that saved me from my life and allowed me the freedom to breathe and discover myself and my polyamorous dreams. When I think of Tony, I'm so jealous of his nomad style and I want to learn more from him and consume his respect for life. Having these two men in my life as my chosen family would bring me so much peace. Sometimes it feels wrong lying in bed with Zero while thinking about Tony, but it's unintentional.
Even when I'm just doing normal things with Tony, I wish Zero would sit next to him as pals, rather than across the room, as cautious as possible. They both say they're just being respectful of each other, but I'm the only one who wants to be in the same room as the two. I always question them individually if they're pushing themselves, and they say no, but I see these things. It's like they're waiting for the other to ask or say something pertaining to claiming me.
But when Zero winks at me, or when Tony smirks at me, when either one of them call me by my pet name, it sends chills down my spine and spearmint to my chest. It feels like I can't breathe. I love Zero's laugh, and his mane and beard, his hugs. I love Tony's wisdom and peace, his comforting kisses. I love everything about these guys. They make my heart swoon.
I wish I could choose one or the other, if it wouldn't leave me heartbroken.
I'm a pansexual polyamorous person. I've been dating my high school sweetheart, Zero, for about ten years now. (For privacy purposes, imma use throwaway names.) About a year into our relationship, I told him I was polyamorous and wanted an open relationship. He didn't take kindly to that. Apparently, all his girlfriends up until that point had either cheated behind his back or asked for an open relationship and left him behind for another person. So when I asked him for an open relationship, the only reason he tried was because I was different from his exes.
At this time, I ran into an old crush from middle school and reconnected with him. Tony was every bit as cool as I remembered him. We were both happy that he was available this time. But this relationship only lasted a few months, as Zero got jealous and started arguments with me, claiming I'd leave him for Tony, even though what I wanted wasn't even a tangible thought at the time. I just wanted to learn what an ENM felt like, rather than just read about it.
I wanted to cherish my own chosen family and share love with people who'd actually appreciate me. I never wanted Zero to think I didn't care about him or was trying to leave him for anyone. So I broke up with Tony and stayed with Zero to repair his trust in me and our relationship, and also remind him I AM polyamorous and want ENM and he needs to seriously consider that if he wants to stay with me.
It's been nine years since that hiccup. I would like to believe that Zero's and my relationship has strengthened. I find myself constantly having to remind myself that he still loves me and cares for me, even though my loneliness has added to my depression.
I've stopped cooking, cleaning, and caring for myself, but he hasn't noticed because he loves to take care of me. I've been blaming it on school as it got worse, because I don't want him to feel bad if what I think is happening is actually happening...
Last time I told him I'd start to get depressed feeling trapped like this, it felt like I was manipulating him rather than warning him. But, at least we talk more openly about polyamory now. At least I get to express my feelings and thoughts with him. I still hold back because I fear my feelings may make him feel unwanted again, but if I find myself thinking too hard I actually speak up about it so as not to worry him.
So, close to our ten year anniversary, Tony comes back into my life. He's had his hardships without me and is possibly traumatized from a past relationship. I still care for him, so when he reached out looking for a friend, I provided. We had ended things very awkwardly and angrily, so talking again was, at first, weird. But I was drawn to his trauma, and I wanted to heal him somehow, so I pried and pried. I ended up discovering he still had feelings for me. It shocked me because I was still attracted to him.
I actually didn't figure out until a couple months later that I still liked him, until Zero mentioned I could have a threesome for my birthday. I don't just sleep around. I like to open up to people I've gotten to know. So when Zero mentioned this, I knew he knew something I didn't quite know yet-- that I was still head over heels for Tony.
Since then, I've confessed to Tony that I have feelings for him, but I also love and care for Zero and am still dating him. I've told Zero about this. We've been talking even more about my polyamory and how to start a non-monogamous relationship, with no current plans to include Tony. Tony has stated that he's learned from the past and wants nothing more than to be in my life, as just a friend with a complicated past.
But things have gotten a little complicated now. Last year, Tony wanted to make a thanksgiving meal for Zero and me, as a thank you for allowing him back into my life. I was so excited, I called my best friend (who's also poly) and talked about my joy in a callous manner. I said things like, "It feels like a dream I've always had," and "I'm so excited, I could have his baby!" (I should note here, I'm afraid of hospitals and birth) His girlfriend told me that I was going to cheat on Zero thinking like that, and I should just end it now since he had me trapped. I didn't like hearing that, so I've gone low contact with them both and started talking to Tony more.
After that, I slipped up. I had to tell Zero that Tony and I sometimes flirt. But it's never "Oh, I'm so bad! I shouldn't~" *wink wink flirt* but rather, "Oh, you want to make an inappropriate joke? I mean, it's not bad, right? ... Oh, yeah. Never..." *blushes* "Never say that again, okay?"
I told him it got bad once, and we haven't flirted since, but I wanted to tell him cuz I thought it was funny how it happened, and couldn't because I knew I cheated somehow. He wasn't mad, but relieved (?). I still don't get it.
Plus, when Zero and I tried shrooms together recently, and I spent half the time crying and apologizing for being polyamorous and in love with "other people," he just patted my head and kissed me and said "It's fine," over and over again, and told me how much he loves me.
Whenever I look at Zero, I see a giant cuddly teddy bear that saved me from my life and allowed me the freedom to breathe and discover myself and my polyamorous dreams. When I think of Tony, I'm so jealous of his nomad style and I want to learn more from him and consume his respect for life. Having these two men in my life as my chosen family would bring me so much peace. Sometimes it feels wrong lying in bed with Zero while thinking about Tony, but it's unintentional.
Even when I'm just doing normal things with Tony, I wish Zero would sit next to him as pals, rather than across the room, as cautious as possible. They both say they're just being respectful of each other, but I'm the only one who wants to be in the same room as the two. I always question them individually if they're pushing themselves, and they say no, but I see these things. It's like they're waiting for the other to ask or say something pertaining to claiming me.
But when Zero winks at me, or when Tony smirks at me, when either one of them call me by my pet name, it sends chills down my spine and spearmint to my chest. It feels like I can't breathe. I love Zero's laugh, and his mane and beard, his hugs. I love Tony's wisdom and peace, his comforting kisses. I love everything about these guys. They make my heart swoon.
I wish I could choose one or the other, if it wouldn't leave me heartbroken.
