My partner wants to be poly during temporary long distance

S

surprise2352

New member
My partner and I have been acquaintances for several years and in a serious relationship for 1 year. We are long distance and actively making plans for job moves, to be able to live in the same city. During the remaining portion of our long distance, which is likely 1-2 years, due to the nature of our jobs, he wants to have a girlfriend. He wants to explore relationships and dating before he settles down with me. Before we started dating, he was dating someone long distance. (In that case they lived together, but a new job made them long distance and then it didn't work out.). Also, he has not had many relationships before. Because of these two things combined, he wants to explore more. He sees himself as being dedicated to me as a primary and that it would be okay if we discussed the terms and made an agreement about having a local girlfriend.

Its challenging to give all the backstory, but I both think he should pursue poly (just without me) because it has come up in ways that I can tell it's a real thing for him. It's not going away. And yet, he says he is happy with me and what we have and he doesn't want any of that to change.

I do no believe myself to be a polyamorous person. So I'm feeling all the similar things that I have read in other posts: the phase where you try to explore the idea, think through why you feel certain emotions. I can see the freedom and the wonderful world it opens up. I can see how is something that I could participate in, as well. But this type of relationship doesn't sustain my interest. At this particular moment in my life, I want my relationship to be more secure, more stable. We've talked about having children (we both want that soon), and I feel guilty about it, but I'm feeling a certain desire to be more restrained in my sexual partners.

I find his notion of wanting to explore during a certain time period to throw a wrench into my decision-making, but I'm not sure if I am thinking about it correctly. If he only wants to try having a girlfriend while we are long distance, is that within the polyamorous realm? He says it's poly, but I'm not sure, and I don't know what to ask.

Are there any people who have relationships that vary by distance? i.e. you can pursue sexual and/or romantic partners when we are away from each other? My mind is blown and I literally don't know how to process.
 
Let me try to sum up what I understand in my own words. You correct me if I get it wrong, okay?

I have trouble with no names, so I'm going to give your partner a generic color name, "Red." If you want to use something else I'll go with that.

  • You and Red have been dating long-distance for a year.
  • The plan is to adjust jobs and move to be in the same city eventually, but it's going to be another 1-2 years of LDR before that can happen.
  • He has suggested a primary-secondary poly model to you. You would be his primary.
  • You would both be free to date other people as secondaries.
    • You aren't especially interested in using that option for yourself.
    • He wants to use that option to explore more since he hasn't had many relationships before.
  • After you move in together, the poly would continue.
    • You find his notion of wanting to explore poly to be a wrench in your decision-making. (Like... "Do I even want to continue here if I am not into poly? Do I even want to move jobs/cities then, or bother with another 1-2 years of LDR?)
    • You both want to have children soon. (How soon? And if you aren't into poly all that much... do you want to have them with him?)
Is that about it, the things you're grappling with? If so, I think you already answered it and are just maybe dealing with some sadness.

There are several people here who have a mix of both local and LDR poly partners.


I do no believe myself to be a polyamorous person. So I'm feeling all the similar things that I have read in other posts. the phase where you try to explore the idea, think through why I feel certain emotions. I can see the freedom and the wonderful world it opens up. I can see how is something that I could participate in as well. But this type of relationship doesn't sustain my interest.
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and
I both think he should pursue poly (just without me) because it has come up in ways that I can tell its a real thing for him. It's not going away.
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If the main issue is that you aren't especially into poly (it's fine for other people, but not something you want), I think you could be up front and honest with him about that. You could say, "Thanks, but no thanks. I think poly could be great for you. But that's not something I want for myself. So I think it's best if we break up, and you go pursue poly on your own without me."

Honor YOUR values and wants first. If this is not your cup of tea, it's just not. You don't have to force yourself to be in things you are not into just to keep hanging around his orbit.

You've only been dating a year. The NRE is wearing off. It usually wears off 6 mos - 2 years into a new relationship. Reality kicks in when that happens.

If you are just not interested in participating in a poly thing, even if you were the primary partner? It's ok not to want it. You can prefer your romantic relationships to be how you want them to be. There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy.

It's okay to bow out. "Initially compatible" doesn't always translate to "deeply compatible" in dating. Even though no break-up is FUN, sometimes it is needed.

In your shoes, I would part ways peacefully and wish him well, then go back to dating to find someone more in line with the things I want and value. I definitely would not have kids with him.

Galagirl
 
Thanks for the breakdown of my post!

The only clarification is to this line: "After you move in together, the poly would continue." The poly would stop after we move. Red thinks this is temporary, as in, if today we were local, he wouldn't even pursue a polyarmorous relationship. But I don't think it's the kind of thing that turns on or off easily. I have asked him to learn more, because I'm confused about what type of relationship he is seeking. Is it sexual only, or romantic and sexual?
 
surprise2352 said:
Red thinks this is temporary, as in if today we were local he wouldn't even pursue a polyamorous relationship. I don't think its the kind of thing that turns or off easily.
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Hi, and welcome to the board! :)

Speaking for myself and no one else in the room, in my case, no, it is not a switch that can be flipped. It is what it is. And, also strictly speaking form myself and no one else in the room, I have also noticed that a LOT of things seem temporary until that particular chicken comes home to roost. And what then? Has your BF thought past that or is this a case of "I will cross that bridge when I get to it?". If it's Door #2, I would ask him to at least think about what he would do if he got the point where the both of you are in the same city and now the relationship is closed due to prior agreements. IMO, if he balks at that, then you have your answer.

Although, I will be honest. I agree with @GalaGirl. It's ok to not want poly and to be mono and want the things you want in life. This is a very difficult relationship structure and it is not for everyone and that's ok.
 
Thank you for more info.

The only clarification is to this line "After you move in together, the poly would continue." The poly would stop after we move. Red thinks this is temporary, as in if today we were local he wouldn't even pursue a polyarmorous relationship.
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So... why isn't he just calling this "we can date other people?" Like agreeing "We aren't going steady because it's LDR right now" or something? Like what's so special to him about the poly word being in there?

And say it takes 1-2 years of more LDR. Is he planning on telling potentials it would only be a short term relationship with them of 1-2 years max? And that he has an LDR partner -- you? So the relationship with them will end when you move to town and are local?

What happens if you move, and then he says wants to keep going with poly because he formed deep feelings with the new partner(s)? Then what?

Would that pull the rug out from under you? Mess you your own plans?

Maybe if/when you move to be in the same city, you don't plan to live together right away. Like put a step in between there? You could spend a year's lease each with their own apartment, but this time dating in the same city.

So it's closer, but not rushing into the living together part so this poly thing can finish sorting out?

It would really stink to move across states, set up a home together with him, have it not work out and break up, and then end up stuck having to find a new flat so soon an incur even more moving expenses.

Or worse... be stuck living with an ex til the end of a lease due to tight finances. All while he's pursuing new poly people and bringing them to the flat.

I'd go slow and think this out carefully.

I don't think its the kind of thing that turns or off easily. I have asked him to learn more because I'm confused about what type of relationship he is seeking. Is it sexual only or romantic and sexual.
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Well, if he's saying "polyamory?" It means "many loves." So romantic and possibly also sexual.

Def slow things down some if he's not being super clear about what he's offering you here.

You don't HAVE to accept wonky sounding offers.

And if you just are not into poly, that's ok. You don't have to do it all.

I'll be honest... he sounds a little naive about it.

Galagirl
 
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I didn't see where she said they'd be living together as soon as they moved to be in the same city. Of COURSE it's better to live in separate residences and just do normal dating for at least a year, after having had only a LDR prior to meeting in real life.

I think your bf wants to explore dating. He's not sure he's poly. He has no idea if he can sustain your LDR while actually having real gfs in the flesh to date and have sex with. He's just fantasizing at this point. I'd say he's not a person to settle down with and have kids with. Many poly people do not date others when their kids are small and needy. It's very hard to have energy for new romantic/sexual relationships when your kids can't dress themselves, aren't sleeping through the night, and it's hard to find trustworthy babysitters.

I kind of lost my sex drive when I had 3 kids in 5 years, personally. I was ready to go to sleep once the kids were in bed asleep. Their dad and I were hardly able to have a conversation, much less have much sex or go on dates, until our youngest was 4 years old!

I'd say you wish bf well, but don't expect him to not prioritize the new gfs he is actually dating in the flesh. I may be jaded, but that's a pretty darn common scenario. See how it goes with him dating, and reconsider moving if he starts getting distracted and less communicative with you.
 
Hi and welcome!

What has caught my eye in your post is that the "poly" would stop once you two are not long distance.

That suggests to me that he's not looking for polyamory, just the ability to date/sleep around for a while. In polyamory, the main premise is having multiple loving relationships...and with modern communication and (post pandemic) travel options, you wouldn't end a deep, loving relationship because you're moving cities. You might redefine it, but not tell a person you have gotten to know intimately, "times up, I'm moving back to be with my real girlfriend now and we have to stop because she said so." That's not kind, loving behaviour...that's using someone for sex for a while. Which could be absolutely consensual and suited to both Red and whomever he's seeing, but caught under the wider umbrella of consensual non monogamy rather than polyamory.

Thing also is, when people share sex, it's possible to "catch feels". Common, even. Those feelings don't have to lead to a full blown relationship, but it would be a bit of a big expectation that these two people who have been having sex and feeling things would want to switch that off because one is moving away.

Just some food for thought :)
 
Evie said:
Hi and welcome!

What has caught my eye in your post is that the "poly" would stop once you two are not long distance.

That suggests to me that he's not looking for polyamory, just the ability to date/sleep around for a while. In polyamory, the main premise is having multiple loving relationships...and with modern communication and (post pandemic) travel options, you wouldn't end a deep, loving relationship because you're moving cities. You might redefine it, but not tell a person you have gotten to know intimately, "times up, I'm moving back to be with my real girlfriend now and we have to stop because she said so." That's not kind, loving behaviour...that's using someone for sex for a while. Which could be absolutely consensual and suited to both Red and whomever he's seeing, but caught under the wider umbrella of consensual non monogamy rather than polyamory.

Thing also is, when people share sex, it's possible to "catch feels". Common, even. Those feelings doing have to lead to a full blown relationship, but it would be a bit of a big expectation that these two people who have been having sex and feeling thing would want to switch that off because one is moving away.

Just some food for thought :)
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Thanks for your advice. This is what I was thinking and concerned about. The realist in me think this is a valid point.

A thing I have noticed is that people in the poly community seem to really value boundaries, communication, openness but also living your truth. It's refreshing after a lifetime of "you have to struggle to make things work" relationship mentalities.

I wish my situation had a painfree solution. But I know that's not how adulting works.
 
Hello surprise2352,

It seems to me that long distance has led your partner to show you his true colors. He does not want to be loyal to you, he wants to sleep around. And while he says he will stop being poly once you live in the same city as him, you have to wonder if he can be trusted to keep his word? Would it even be fair to the other women if he did keep his word? "Sorry, surprise2352 now lives in the same city as me, so you and I will have to break up." Would that maybe be a little heartless on his part? It almost sounds like he just wants to use these other women for sex, for as long as it is convenient for him and for no longer. Does he have real feelings for you or are you just another sex machine for him, to be valued whenever you can actually deliver sex, but at no other time? I know I am judging him harshly, perhaps I am just imagining the very worst in human nature. I admit I am not a big fan of long-distance relationships.

You say it'll be another year or two before you can eliminate the long-distance factor. Maybe in that much time, he will mature a little. Maybe he won't objectify people so much. Although that does potentially mean he will change his mind about breaking up with the other women. I don't see much choice here except for you to prepare yourself for the unexpected: that poly will *not* end once the long distance ends. I know he's saying it will and maybe he sincerely believes it will. But he could change his mind later on, changing one's mind sometimes is a part of human nature.

I don't have any advice for you, just I guess some of my perspective to share. I don't necessarily think your partner is a terrible person, long distance is hard and he is just trying to find a way to get through it. The thing is, that the poly solution is a can of worms that can't be closed once it's been opened. I don't know if he realizes that.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I know this is 3 years old but it definitely hit true within what I'm currently experiencing. It's opened my eyes and I appreciate everyone's answers
 
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